2004 was one of my most disastrous years. My marriage had broken down. I had no real job. Financially I was totally dependent on my husband. Emotionally I was unstable and did not feel either like a woman or a good mother. On top of this, a friend of mine died at the age of 30 after ‘a simple operation’ to her knee and left behind a husband and two little kids.
I did try to fix all the things on the outside by doing sports and having affairs to fill my lack of self-love, trying to confirm that I was ‘functioning’ as a woman. I started to smoke cigarettes (and the occasional joint). I was involved in as much emotional drama as I could create. And also I looked at some spiritual pursuits, healers and NLP. This made me feel ‘alive’.
I threw myself into caring for my friend’s two children and their alcohol-dependent father. This made me feel useful and gave me recognition and the feeling I was doing something good.
In 2004 I also had my first healing session with an esoteric practitioner, a student from Universal Medicine, who came from Australia to Germany. For the first time in my life I felt ME. I felt the deep sadness which I carry with me and the release in that session. I felt like coming home. No imposing and no demands – just simply myself. What a beautiful experience.
I continued with the sessions which helped me enormously to live my daily life in a more respectful manner towards myself and also to others. Life got more ordered and less extreme in the sense of stress and emotional dramas.
In 2005 I went for the first time to a Universal Medicine course and I met Serge Benhayon. Who is that man I thought? For a long time I had a fear that I would be hurt again so I was very discerning. But I was pulled by the truth of what Serge presented (and still presents) which confirms what I do feel inside of me but never dared to express.
Since then I have become a student of Universal Medicine and a student of my soul. My life has changed slowly. My husband and I started to live together again. We had a more loving approach to each other and became open to what our relationship was about – that it is not always about love, but about needs which have to be met: he was the knight who protects me from the outside world and I was the home he needs to come back to. Today I know that how we live together is still not as loving as it could be but a lot of things have changed and we both know that until the end of this life we will not choose to live like that (lacking of love) again. We gave our relationship a chance and discovered that while it was not functioning on a level as husband and wife, we are now living together as friends and are learning to support each other with new and more loving foundations.
Regarding the caring of the two kids and their father – I recognised that after two years I was exhausted. There was a need for me to help, but I never asked if that help was wanted! I also saw how alcohol brings down families, including my own family.
The more self-loving I got, the less need there was to fill myself with affairs and cigarettes and I stopped both habits. I became aware of how food influences my body and my mood. I stopped eating gluten and dairy three years after attending that first healing course, and nobody imposes on me what to do. I keep to a certain sleep rhythm which helps me to be more vital and present during the day.
Today I feel deep appreciation for Serge Benhayon, his family and Universal Medicine. I have got a job in an office and also have started to work as an esoteric practitioner myself.
Is my life perfect? No. But it is more true and I am more ME. I still have a lot to resolve. But now I can and do feel joy. So all in all, through attending the courses and healing sessions and through my own daily choices, I have been brought back to life, and no longer keep myself hidden.
By Sonja, Germany