in - Self Care, WELLBEING | HEALTHY LIFESTYLE 381 Words

A 43yr Old Man Goes On A Secret Mission

by Joel L, Australia.

A couple of years ago, on my way to a Universal Medicine workshop, a conversation started with the friend I was staying with.

The conversation moved to women’s beauty routines and the effort they make to pamper themselves. I noticed a reaction in me when it came to thinking about me doing ‘that stuff’. I never saw Dad do it, surely Men are tougher than that, a bit of cream after sunburn is okay, but anything more and you were a ‘nancy’ (sorry to anyone called Nancy).

I made a choice in that moment to feel what might be behind my reaction rather than just run with the reaction. What I found brought me to tears – a life-time of wanting, yearning to be touched that tenderly, to be held with that much love, to be allowed to ‘pamper’ myself. A lifetime of choosing rough and tumble over caring and gentle.

That was when the secret mission was launched… I was a bit embarrassed at not knowing where to start, so I did what any self-respecting man would do in this situation… I called my wife. After a couple of pointers, I headed out on my own to the ‘girly sections’ of a department store and to those ‘smelly’ shops with soaps and stuff.

It was a bit overwhelming – lots of smells, lots of choice…I stayed away from anything pink (of course), and if something said ‘for men’ it must be safe to test! I got a bit overwhelmed by people trying to spray stuff on me… it was obvious that they had no idea how serious this situation was.

Stage one complete. I walked away with body scrub, bath oil, moisturiser, my first bathrobe since I was a child (not too fluffy of course), and one of those brushy things. NB: no rubber ducks or toy boats.

Back at my friend’s house… no kids, no wife, just me, my bounty and my ‘not too’ fluffy robe. I sank into the bath… first miracle… I didn’t want to leave my wife and join a ‘Kylie Minogue’ tribute group… second miracle… It was AWESOME… third miracle… realising that maybe a rubber duck could have been a nice touch. Stage two complete.

Stage three… repeat often.

287 thoughts on “A 43yr Old Man Goes On A Secret Mission”

  2. I have read quite a few of Joel’s blogs, each and everyone inspires and touches me at a deep level, leaving me wanting to read more of his writings.

  4. Caring for our body with love and tenderness is not ‘pampering’ it is honouring the body we live with every day.

  5. The body thrives when its is loved and cared for, regardless of gender.

  6. ‘What I found brought me to tears – a life-time of wanting, yearning to be touched that tenderly, to be held with that much love, to be allowed to ‘pamper’ myself. ‘ This honesty with yourself is inspiring me to be honest about what it is that I yearn for that I’m not giving myself and from which I then try to distract and overcompensate for later – treats that I’ve ‘earned’ rather than consistently being loving with myself. What is it I’m not allowing in myself?

  7. Making your secret mission public, invites other men to go on their own, if they haven’t already. Beautiful.

  8. Reading your comment Richard, made me smile – I won’t tell anyone :).

    Hey journalists, the men that attend Universal Medicine, take baths.

  9. I loved reading this, the light heartiness, the humour, the wanting to try things out, in stealth.

    What I loved the most, is you noticing that ‘reaction’ in you and you inquired about it, you questioned it, researched and put it into “action”. And you tried it out, and you enjoyed it.

    What’s the difference between a man and a woman, except their genitals? So, why do we have certain things only for men, and certain things only for women? It’s worth pondering on.

    There is nothing wrong with a man being pampered, in whatever form it may be. It just goes to show you that we are conditioned to be in a certain way. And it is okay to take care of ourselves, whether we are a man or whether we are a woman.

  10. Suffering from a lack of Joy certainly holds us in a place of discomfort. So lived Joy is exuding from our essences when we reconnect to the divine quality of our essence and what greater purpose could we have than to be connected?

  11. As we take our life and present our way of living, whatever stage it is at, there will always be a deeper way of pampering and Loving ways that support our evolution.

  12. Loving and taking care of ourselves is fun. If it becomes daunting and too serious and burdensome, there’s no love in it.

    1. Love what you say her Fumiyo, bringing gorgeousness and fun to nurturing rather than seriousness is way more inviting.

    2. The point is, regardless of what society dictates we can or can’t do for ourselves, we are either choosing love or not.

  13. Awesome! Love your sense of humour … very funny 🤣🤣 I would have loved to have heard how this unfolded for you more and being a woman and reading this was like ‘oh I should do that more for me!!!’ …. sink into a bath. So from being a man who has scoffed at having a beauty routine you have inspired a woman who has a bit of one.

  14. ´Nancying´ is a very highly charged word that governs the imagination of many. If you become more tender, more affectionate, and you give yourself permission to treat you well, you get closer to the truth of yourself. What they say is pretty irrelevant., It just speaks about them and how governed they are by images and how reluctant they are to give themselves permission to loosening up the cast they are wearing. They may not ´nance´, but they dance a music that guarantees moving against themselves.

  15. Men and women are equally tender, gorgeous, deeply caring and super loving since our day birth. So why do we have so much sterotypes in our society that dicates what is for boys and girls? All of these are just images that separate us from each other and from who we really are. So let’s brake these rules by celebrating the beauty in us and letting what we feel inside is true lead our way.

  16. This is so funny to read Joel. A playful invitation to go on a secret mission like this more often, to experience the tenderness and care that we deserve.

  17. All men should embark on a secret mission like you Joel – and as you say repeat often for that quality of care builds us from within.

  18. I love your sense of humour Joel.. Nothing like that to explore and enjoy new ways of caring yourself much more.

  19. We talk about how tough men are, but I would have never imagined that an experience like that would be tough for men. The detail you go into is astonishing, just the fact that you wouldn’t get a robe that is too soft is quite telling of how far we have disconnected, not just men, but us women for not realising the state at play either.

  20. The ideals of what a man is are so restricting and imposing, they set up a system of rules that do not allow men to be who they naturally are. There seems to be this attitude that if they step out of the ideals of hardness, toughness and being stoic they will automatically lose all identity and become something they are not, something flimsy and unmanly, when they are actually already something that is many steps away from the essence of who they naturally are. Joel it was lovely that you could allow yourself to do what you wanted to, to nurture and care for yourself.

  22. “I got a bit overwhelmed by people trying to spray stuff on me… it was obvious that they had no idea how serious this situation was.” mmmmh at least you told them how serious this situation was with your awesome blog.

    1. People trying to spray stuff on us is very off putting, and can send us running in the opposite direction, great that you didn’t let that imposition stop you Joel.

  23. This secret mission shows clearly how much we accept images of how it has to be (to be a man) and hence, the boundaries that are not to be crossed if you want to remain in the ‘safe’ zone. That is why by following images we miss out on the beauty of life.

    1. That’s exact it Eduardo, not crossing the “safe zone”. Women have that also in terms of images of being there for everyone and not themselves, having a certain body image, having kids, and not speaking with power, as some examples.

  24. Rubber ducks are essential and a lot of fun to play with. I trust you have since then aded them to your repertoire. In the shop you can always pretend it’s for the kids, okay?

  25. Having been a pink lover (not the band) all my life it is hard not to think of pink as being a normal colour for anyone including guys! It says a lot about society and how much we are damaging men in their expression of their tenderness when they do not feel safe to wear or do anything associated with pink.

  26. I find it hard to see the lack of care men have for themselves, the hardness they go into to protect themselves and the cuts and bruises that get ignored as they soldier on, men are equally worth caring for in just the same way as women and I love that you went and bought a fluffy bath robe. A fluffy bath robe is currently in my shopping list as I realise that I also haven’t had one for about 20 years and can feel how supportive it would be to put one on after long soaks or in the mornings when the house is cold.

  27. I have to say it is not just men but also many women too that have forsaken their innateness and actually fought against it and have shoved that ‘yearning to be touched that tenderly, to be held with that much love’ into the bottom pit, and can actually freeze in the face of being met with the deep tenderness, especially from men.

  28. So so gorgeous, simple, deeply profound and funny too. And what you share about reaction here is priceless, to choose in the moment to feel what is underneath that rather than just run with it … that is pure gold.

  29. Joel I always love reading your blogs, they are light-hearted yet down to earth, having a bath with bubbles, or scent is always a great way to connect and wind down, and to nurture yourself if that is what the body is asking for, and I love how you have embraced a new self-nurturing way into your life.

  30. Women are clearly not the only people who deserved to be pampered, nourished and cared for and this is a great blog Joel reminding us of this fact.

  31. Hilarious – showing us that love is never too serious and that there much be playfulness too. An interesting blog writing about this subject – that does raise awareness for us all.

  32. Playful but revealing how much unsaid pressure is put on men to act a certain way. These imposed rules of what it is to be a man are acutely felt when a man dares to live his own way and hence not succumb to the rules he has been told to live.

  33. LOL this is funny but so relevant to where most men are at is to allow themselves permission to pamper themselves in what ever format it is.

    This ‘toughness’ imposition is really imposing. I see my male family members in such disarray and soon as tenderness is presented to them, they love it but don’t know how to sustain it and soon return to their hard routine.

    Go Joel…..Set the way for others

  34. Your secret mission Joel is a beautiful reminder that men too deserve to pamper and nurture themselves – I look forward to reading about stage 4.

  35. Haha and classic article about a subject close to my heart. People that know me know I love to smell great and look the same. I have always, since I was in my teens bought face care products and colognes to use to start and end my day. My father always used to use an aftershave lotion that had a smell after he shaved and also to put on if he was ever going somewhere special. Growing up I would always let him splash some on me as well for a bit of fun. Now my draw has all the necessary things, face wash, scrub, moisturisers etc etc. It’s not strange or even a stretch for me and when men talk to me about it I don’t rub it in their face (haha) I just speak of how much I love using these things, how they feel and what they do next is entirely up to them, my routine won’t change.

    1. This is so lovely to read Ray, I give good quality shower wash, shampoos and conditioner to my father and he absolutely loves it because otherwise he is left with the dregs. We have this attitude that when it comes to caring, men aren’t worth it which is so far from true. We all need to deeply care for ourselves however that may look.

  36. In the world of ours, things are clearly demarcated. This is what a man does, and that is what a woman does. And we play along until you discovered that there are some things the other side is doing that feel lovely and you ‘dare’ one day to try it. It takes courage but it is worth it.

  37. Beautiful Joel, Stage 4 may even include stronger scents and fluffier fluff . . . never discount anything! This is inspiring me to pamper myself more.

  38. I love your humour Joel and the gorgeous feeling of you pampering you in the bath.

  39. Such a sweet little secret confession, I often wondered what it would be like for boys and men and if they ever wanted all the things that we as women are allowed to just have without feeling any guilt or shame, it is beautiful to hear we are not so different but men certainly do have more obstacles to overcome to get to the pamper room.

  40. Ha, brilliant! The reaction in some men is huge when a woman is showing any ‘pampering’ towards themselves so I take my hat off to Joel allowing himself to feel what was behind the reaction. Every reaction, subtle or obvious offers an opportunity for growth so being aware of changes in my body when I am presented with something that I may find uncomfortable is certainly a moment to take stock and address and not to simply ignore.

  41. This is such a profound example of how ideas and beliefs of what a man or a woman should or should not be, this consciousness that preside over our society today, cap us from living and loving the realness of who we are and the richness of life we can experience and enjoy when we allow ourselves to surrender to be in connection to our tenderness, our love, our essence within. We also greatly miss out on sharing these gorgeous qualities with each other. There is nothing quite like being met by a man who walks embracing his tenderness – truly heart-melting every time.

  42. We don’t care for our infant boys any differently to our infant girls and if we didn’t allow ourselves to be influenced by the picture we have of boys as they grow up we would all still treat ourselves with the same tender loving care whoever we are.

  43. Joel it was delightful to read this blog again. I used to think all the fuss women made with their beauty products was a waste of time. I prided myself on being a soap and water girl with no frills. This all changed when I had my first facial, which was done as a favour to my daughter who needed someone to practice on as she was training to be a beauty therapist. The time and care she took was something I had never done for myself and she explained why I should bother with cleansing, exfoliating, toning and moisturizing. From them I started my own daily beauty routine. It is definitely linked to feeling that I am worth it, and of course we all are. I hope you are repeating your self-care activities often.

  44. Amongst the fast-pace of today’s world and the stress it induces for both men and woman equally, launching your secret mission Joel after ‘a lifetime of choosing rough and tumble over caring and gentle’ is a worthy undertaking for all men to nurture and commit to. But, in no way should it be ever secret, hidden or ever stealth guided as do we all honestly think women are the only ones that feel the pressures and need to be nurtured and honored with some regular TLC in this day and age? Go for it men, you deserve to be appreciated and appreciate yourselves equally to that any woman ever can be.

  45. Joel I love your sharing and sent it to my husband . . . I am curious what will happen!

  46. Oh the pure Joy of shedding the ludicrousness of what our societies (currently) demand of men, and embracing yourself Joel L.
    p.s. My husband bought a women’s scent not so long ago – loves it. And the care he takes in choosing such things for himself and his own routine, can at times put me to shame… I learn a lot as a woman from him – as it should rightly be.

  49. Congratulations, your mission accomplished! I am so impressed you didn’t wait till you went home to start. You make it so light-hearted but I can totally understand how big a deal this must have been. And now 4 years after this sharing was first published, I hope you are continuing this often and perhaps got over your reservation about pink.

  50. I just realised Joel, you wrote this now nearly 4 years ago. I would love to hear how you’re pampering yourself these days? Have you upped the ante or come up with any other rituals?

  51. Absolutely LOVE this Joel! Hilarious, warm and so so honest. Thanks again for another ripper!

  53. Thank you Joel for another great sharing, I would have to say as a woman pampering has not come easy for me, but just like you I am opening up to explore nurturing me in my body.

  56. You are a crack-up Joel Levine and your observations of our human ways are very astute. The first steps into ‘unchartered territory’ can be nerve racking but when all that awaits is a warm bath with not a shark in sight, it makes us realise the absurdity of not making this our norm much sooner. Bring on the rubber ducks I say – a celebration of a new beginning.

  57. Mission accomplished with humour and grace. Well done Joel I hope you are keeping up stage 3. And as this is some years down the track I image you have moved onto stage 4 and 5 by now. Great stuff.

  58. You mean it’s ok for men to take care and love and nurture themselves the same way women do? That is seriously cool – I loved reading about your men-olution – this has got to be the way forward 🙂

  59. I am glad Joel that you did not keep this a true secret, even as a woman, I never pampered and cared for myself in this way for much of my life. I would do stage one and two, but stage three, repeatedly often would be the one missed. Your blog has me now pondering how this has affected how I live and care for myself today, and just how much the lack of committing to this care of my body has affected so many aspects of how I live, a pondering that is taking me to a deeper level of understanding and a greater commitment to caring for my body in every aspect of my life.

  60. Hilarious and very touching Joel, I love it. Why wouldn’t a man want to pamper himself just as much as a woman does? We all deserve nothing less.

  61. Joel, I love what you have shared here! The experience of being a novice to self care and self pampering is a similar thing I too have experienced on some level as a woman. I used to pride myself for being a ‘low maintenance woman’ – I would get up and get dressed in less than 5 minutes, brush my hair real quick and that was it. To do anything more than this was seen by me as a waste of time.
    Boy how things have changed since then and especially since attending some workshops with Universal Medicine – the self care and self adoration has opened up its doors very wide for me indeed.
    I have been in shops fumbled with new products and asked trusted friends about how to use some makeups or creams or hair products…and it has been well worth it, and so much has changed over the years…
    These days, in fact I can say most mornings, I take my time to shower and then choose what I will wear (sometimes trying on a few different outfits), to put put on make up (but really take me time for this too – I sit down at my make up table and choose what I feel like wearing that day), and instead of washing my hair and just tying it up in a bun (without drying it), I take the time to put some product in it, to dry my hair and then to style it for the day with curls or a wave or whatever I feel like for the day. And guess what – it feels amazing to then start the day with this as a background. It feels like I have pampered myself completely before even heading out the door to work.

  62. How gorgeous you are Joel. How strange it is that we resist caring for ourselves and how lovely it is when we quit resisting and simply begin to treat ourselves with the love, care and attention that we deserve.

  63. Joel I know women who would even resist this. Come to think of it, I was at that stage myself. No fluffy robes, very little moisturiser, definitely no smell soaps. Letting go of this stubbornness was one of the loveliest things I have done for myself. As well as embracing pink.

  64. Whoever said a man can’t enjoy a nurturing bath as much as a woman is totally not true….

  65. I hope you have repeated Stage 3 over and over and are still enjoying it Joel…and I am assuming that by now stage 4 has involved the purchase of that rubber ducky?

  66. A stunning story of reconnecting to, honouring and embracing the tender man you are. A delight to read.

  67. No doubt about it, the world would be a very very different place if we all tenderly nurtured and loved ourselves (and each other)

  68. I really enjoyed reading this Joel and how you made the start to tenderly nurturing yourself by allowing yourself to feel what it was that you’d been missing. I love that more and more men are beginning to care for, nurture and be tender with themselves in this way.

  69. Love it Joel thank you. Don’t tell anybody but I actually used a nail file for the first time recently. This was a miracle in itself because I have bitten my nails for many years and they have never been long enough before. By the way, what moisturiser do you use? ☺

  70. I gave my dad hand and body lotion for father’s day last year. He loved them! And I felt that he was touched that I had seen his true tenderness and honoured it my gift.

  72. A lovely blog about looking after yourself as a man. I still dip in and out of pampering myself, I might apply some massage cream every now and then but it isn’t a set routine. It is great though to see and feel that men looking after themselves in this way has started to become more acceptable.

  73. Nice one Joel, I was very much from your old school ‘real man’ background in fact my dad would probably turn in his grave if he knew how much I splashed out on some moisturiser, but I am totally sold. I work outside in most weather so it is not only loving to apply a bit of quality gear but also almost an act of mercy.

  74. The vulnerability shown in this blog by a man is a rare juxtaposition of many of the typical beliefs society holds and imposes upon boys and men about being tough.
    I was struck by this admission ‘What I found brought me to tears – a life-time of wanting, yearning to be touched that tenderly, to be held with that much love, to be allowed to ‘pamper’ myself’ – for the honesty, courage and willingness to not just follow through with this new level of tenderness in privacy but to write about it and share it publicly.

  75. Well done Joel and and man who is secure enough to nurture and care for themselves. It is a very nice thing to do and should be totally normal. Having said that I appreciate that this is more extraordinary than not and fully appreciate the courage it took to brave the beauty section and the overwhelm of the spray experience.

  77. Thank you for the level of honesty you’ve presented here about ‘a life-time of wanting, yearning to be touched that tenderly, to be held with that much love, to be allowed to ‘pamper’ myself.’ It is so rare to see behind the ‘rough and tumble’ presented by men to men for men and to be allowed through it and beyond, to the deeply caring and gentle side that so often remains unmanifested in most men’s lives.

  78. “Stage three… repeat often.” Love it Joel. Indeed why shouldn’t men spend time honouring their faces and bodies, as some women do?

  79. It really is beautiful and is to be celebrated that you have felt to take care of yourself on a deeper level Joel and explore and play around with how you can do that. I heard a colleague say today that he didn’t think that men and women should be treated as binary – meaning that they shouldn’t be treated as dual/differently. I really got what he meant as I know without a shadow of a doubt that at our core, both men and women are just as sensitive and as sweet as each other, no matter the cloak and mask we’ve put on, or how we’ve chosen to live our lives.

  80. This almost sounds like mission impossible… but it is not! The letting go of idealistic imprisonments of how to be as a man finds its beautiful expression in this cleansing ritual.

    1. Beautifully said Felix, why should men miss out on all the nourishing rituals of self-care and self-love just because they are men.

  81. Shouldn’t stage three be: rinse and repeat? 😉

    I totally agree with what you have said Joel, and it is a huge liberation to take off the ‘I’m tough armour’.

    While we are in the ‘I’m tough armour’ we are not aware of how many wonderful supportive things we are truly missing out on.

    There is a great analogy to describe with taking off the armour however I’m lost for words at this point in time.

    In any case it is well worth the effort to explore this side of manhood that has been sorely been void in many men’s lives.

  82. Ahhhh Joel this is fabulous! I know this is a big step for many men, to admit they miss that tender loving care, let alone take action and then write about it. Thank YOU on behalf all men and women. As a woman you remind me that men are just as beautifully sensitive and tender and crave Love. A Brilliant Blog!

  83. Joel your secret mission is a joy to be shared amongst all men and women. Thank you for the wisdom and beautiful humour you continually grace us with and the reminder to bring tenderness to ourselves always.

  84. It is so true that deep down we do want to be met with love and touched tenderly. That when we allow ourselves to be honest with what we truly feel within, regardless of what conditions society imposes on us, we can begin to make choices that honor the tenderness and love that we are within and enjoy it.

  87. Hi Joel, this is a beautifully cheeky, playful, romp of a blog with an important message about giving ourselves the permission to love and nurture ourselves. No matter who we are, it is incredibly healing to allow time out to connect to our own love and tenderness, we are always the richer for it and so too are those around us. Stage 3 going well….next up…. stage 4.

  88. Thanks for your open sharing on how you have started to nurture yourself more Joel. I like the playful way you have written it, but on a serious note, it is something lots of men and women are not making time for in their busy lives, me included. Great that we are opening up the conversation about ‘A lifetime of choosing rough and tumble over caring and gentle.’

  89. I love what you share with us Joel – it is so important to nurture ourselves and to make loving choices towards ourselves. Thanks for your inspiration.

  90. Thank you for sharing your unfolding with such lightness and humour. I hope stage 3 is going well!

  91. The love, humor and tenderness in this blog is palpable. Thank you for sharing. The world would be a different place if all men (and women, not to forget) would allow themselves to sink into their tenderness (and have a rubber duck in their bath). By building this inside it becomes harder, maybe even too hard, to be rough with ourselves and with others. It would lessen abuse, for our bodies would start recognizing the truth of our delicateness and not wanting to give up on this.

  92. Wonderful Joel that you’ve taken us with you on your secret mission, which is now not that secret anymore but a great inspiration for us all. I have been tough myself, inside longing for more ‘girly’ attention of me, to touch myself in a more tender and loving way, to really nurturing myself. ‘To be allowed to ‘pamper’ myself’. I was definitely not caring and tender with myself.How delicate and tender we all are men and women equally. I wonder how is stage three going or has there been a stage four already.

  93. I love the humour and tenderness with which you write Joel. It’s wonderful to see men honouring their tenderness and doing things which are self loving and supportive for them.

  94. I adored reading this blog Joel. The beauty in that preciousness and tenderness that is within all of us, a quality that is ageless and something we all in truth seek if we are not living it in our lives. There is definitely nothing wrong with honouring ourselves as you have done here. An inspiration for all I say!

  95. I love your blog Joel, so beautiful, funny and deeply tender. I also felt the sadness coming up for me in realizing how much pressure we put on men to be a certain way, we are all the same but we’ve lived and accepted this huge divide and separation. What you have shared is so beautiful and it inspires us to not choose separation but unity and equality. To honour and appreciate that we are all the same regardless of our age, gender, skin colour and so on.

  96. Oh Joel – what a delightful blog you have written! But seriously, as much as what you have written was from a male perspective, I could equally apply the content to myself as a woman. It has taken me some time to realise that there is a tenderness within which deserves to be nurtured and therefore taking time with caring for my body through beauty routines etc is actually a strength worth cultivating.

    1. Yes, I can relate to what you’ve shared Gilesch. I too have taken a while to realise the tenderness within me. I am still learning, developing a routine to love and care for body the same way that you shared. I know that I am still not making this a priority in my everyday rhythm. Like you said: ‘taking time with caring for my body through beauty routines etc. is actually a strength worth cultivating.’ Thank you for this awesome reminder Gilesch.

  97. That was gorgeous Joel – so light and fun – and also tender. It’s not only men who do not connect to that deep inner tenderness – as a woman I am beginning to learn again that at whatever age (I use to reserve tenderness for babies) tenderness can be part of our lives both in how we treat ourselves and how we treat others. Sharing tender moments with a friend is just like enveloping myself in love and allowing that love to reach every part of me from the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes.

  98. Joel I just love your writing – it made me laugh and cry in equal measure. You and the tenderness your bring to your self-discovery and self-development is an inspiration to men and women alike. Gorgeous.

    1. I was the same Samantha. I laughed while at the same time wanted to cry at Joel’s willingness to connect to his tenderness. It’s such a beautiful inspiration of self care, not only for men, but for women as well.

  100. Haha, such a fun to read as always, Joel!! Its crazy how the little boy who loves the bathtub and the bubble water turns into the tough guy who then needs to re-learn to be loving and tender with himself. What a diversion, but so beautiful to read and so easy to choose!! Thank you for sharing!

  101. What could be more blokey than a man in a bath with a rubber ducky? What a story men have been sold with these notions of toughness being the only way to get through this life. Thank God for the men like yourself Joel who are willing to break not so much the mould but the complete internment camp called “male behaviour”.
    We all miss out with the way this camp has made men … men miss the fact they can melt and the world doesn’t end. They can have a moment that is for them and they can drop the protective stance and pick up the rubber ducky.
    And women miss out too on men who outwardly live the sweetness inside….yes we know it is there…..we always do.

  102. This is inspiring to hear a man speak about nurturing himself like this. Many women don’t even nurture like this and I have only truly understood the need for this since participating in Universal Medicine and Esoteric Women’s Health workshops. When done from the right intent it is deeply nourishing for my inner being and my self worth.

  103. ‘A life-time of wanting, yearning to be touched that tenderly, to be held with that much love, to be allowed to ‘pamper’ myself.’ This is gorgeous and I love it and how very honouring of yourself that you put everything right into action.

  104. Hilarious, Joel! I have been called a ‘sissy’ (sorry to anyone called Sissy) and have been bathing with a rubber duck during my adult years and it is an utter joy to have never totally lost that tenderness and sweetness that all boys bring, when they are born. Beautiful how you reclaim it!

  105. This is amazing Joel, I love how openly you’ve shared your experience, you’ve made it so fun and simple while respecting that this is a huge topic, I’ve noticed so so many men who feel the same as you but simply do not allow themselves to go there. Men definitely deserve the same care, attention and pampering as women.

  107. Love it. Love it, Love it – What the world needs now is …………..(Love, Sweet Love) and more of this 🙂

  108. SO much fun!! this is awesome and a must read for men and women alike. The next rubber ducky I see may well be coming home with me!

  109. This is so gorgeous Joel. I loved reading about your secret mission. Being truly nurturing with ourselves, whether man or woman, is a great thing to do.

  110. Love, love, love it Joel! It is so gorgeous to see men taking care of themselves and it actually feels very horrible when they don’t.

  111. Joel you are so beautiful. I loved reading your story. Great to hear you are loving and honouring the real man you are.

  112. Joel that was so inspiring! Men taking care and nurturing themselves. How awesome and vital is that for us all.

  113. Beautiful Joel. Keep up the stage 3. Women love a man who cares enough about himself to take care of himself – it might even inspire some of us women to appreciate that if a man can take such great care of himself perhaps we can do the same!!

    1. Very true Mary, I know I have learnt a huge amount from my partner about being tender with myself, and true care – inspiration works both ways 🙂

  114. I love your playful blog Joel, but what I realise in reading it, is that it has only been in the last 5 years… and I am now 36 that I have gone into the aisles and purchased nice soaps or bath bombs or creams to take care of my body. It still is something new to me and I love and enjoy it. What I see from this is that I grew up denying myself this too, and how I championed being tough and not needing all these ways to care for myself. I championed being “low maintenance” and I was the one missing out the whole time. Coming to this realisation makes me want to go out shopping and pamper myself some more.

  116. Lovely and humorous blog Joel thank you, we are so conditioned as men as to what is acceptable. I recently bought a “Hot pink” coloured mobile phone cable and have had some interesting reactions, more from women than men.
    With them trying to justify a man having a pink phone cable. Saying things like “oh well you won’t loose it”, rather than accepting I really liked the colour and wasn’t buying into the ideas we have been fed of what are acceptable colours for a man to have.

    1. Great addition to this blog Thomas, it seems completely ridiculous that we would think that we are only allowed to like certain colours based on our gender. I like hot pink too, and I love it when men wear pink, it seems to bring out their subtle strengths.

    2. Thomas that is so true, we all have so many ideals and beliefs and we just have to not buy into them.

  117. It is so great to hear how life is from a man’s perspective in regards to self-care. It is even better to hear from a man who has embraced his own tenderness.

  118. Another superb blog Joel keep them coming. Did you eventually get a rubber duck? I do like a rubber duck. Self care for me was slow in coming but I have to admit I do love a good facial moisturiser.

  119. Joel, exquisite, I feel the yearning for that care, that tenderness with you (and we all crave that) and I love that you found your way with it. And something you said on reactions was priceless to feel what’s behind them and not just them, for me reading that, it takes the edge out of it and suddenly you can feel how a reaction can be gift to explore and that you did.

    1. Yes, it is great when I stop and see the reaction as an opportunity rather than something I did wrong. It is an opportunity to learn from and then make different choices next time.

  120. I love it Joel it feels very gorgeous that you set this secret mission for yourself. So great to be breaking the moulds that have been Imposed. I would love to hear more about your daily pampering routine.

  121. I love the way you realised your reaction and then decided to act immediately Joel and your openness to do so. Your writing is a joy to read, every time.

  122. Very Inspiring Joel, this is such an important topic for every man to read. I can feel how taking more and more time for myself to really care for me, is such an important and beautiful experience.

  123. Very funny Joel! You would have to be an expert by now 😀 what a lovely blog. I really appreciated your reflection on when you looked deeper into why you were reacting, and came to the realisation that you wanted to be pampered and tenderly touched, and why wasn’t it okay for men to do that too?

  124. This is great I could just imagine my dad at the smelly counter undercover of course, trench coat dark glasses.

  125. Hi Joel, I really enjoyed your article – I couldn’t get the smile off my face while reading it. Well done for breaking through that consciousness that would have men believe they do not need to look after themselves a little more tenderly – how inspiring while presenting your secret mission so playfully.

  126. What a beautiful and inspiring mission for men and women Joel, a commitment to exploring self care and to discovering your tenderness.
    This is a mission worth celebrating, and I am glad that it is no longer a secret!

  127. Brilliant Joel, self-care and nurturing are something every man deserves. Its feels awesome to read you enjoying you. Yours, suitably inspired and looking forward to reading phase two of operation pamper.

  129. Joel what a beautiful post, it had me smiling throughout. So awesome when we connect to the preciousness of ourselves and take a valued interest in nurturing this; there is no gender in this activity.

  130. Loved this, laughed my way through it, especially calling your wife for pampering tips!

  131. Joel thank you for sharing your secret mission with us all. No more rough and tumble but a gentle, loving hot bath…what a wonderful way to end your day.

  132. Absolutely gorgeous your writing Joel. I love the light and playful way you present this topic where I haven’t heard a lot of men speak about. I observe how men (from all ages) love to be treated with tenderness by women, but don’t give this easily to themselves. Just like you described: as a man you have to be tough and creams, moisturizers, bath oils and scents are often seen as exclusive for women. Hair-gel being an exception. I was at the airport yesterday and witnessed a male friend buy his first facial cream for himself (and one for his girlfriend) and the joy and intention to take care for himself made me smile. I love it when men allow themselves to be tender and make self-loving choices.

  133. Well the name of this article had me curious from the start. Joel, I can feel how much fun you had with this secret mission and I bet this is just one of many!

  134. Very funny Joel you had me laughing. On the serious side you helped me feel just how much tenderness a man truly wants. Great blog.

    1. Well said Kim, for it is a tenderness that every man deserves to feel and live – it is such an unfortunate situation that in today’s world that men are not actively encouraged to embrace it. But I have no doubt that in time awareness of how important it is to nourish ourselves regardless if we are a man or a woman, will come to light and be lived as the norm.

  135. Joel this is beautiful. And maybe when more men start to honour their tenderness like you have, it can inspire not only other men, but more women (like me!) to give more space and honouring to themselves also..and then who knows where that could lead ?!

  136. This is so quirky and so fun. I can feel how much fun you had in writting this Joel and how playful you are in essence. I love how much it took to explore this new way of being with yourselves and how much you were willing to go there AND how much benifit you got from it all.

    1. Thank you Natasha, I agree, the more we come from our essence the more ‘playful’ we naturally are. Also bringing those tender self-loving touchs, adds so much to my ability to nurture myself.

      1. Absolutely gorgeous gregbarnes888, and it’s your level of tenderness that makes your healing work and sessions so incredible powerful for all that you treat.

  137. What a great story,Joel. I had a few chuckles while reading your blog because I could relate to it. Once upon a time, no, this is not a Cinderella story, I wouldn’t have bothered with the smelly stuff, I didn’t have time for that! I didn’t want to primp and paint my body, but, like you Joel, I have discovered the joys of pampering and a bath is the perfect place for stillness on a deeper level. Well done.

  139. Oh Joel, so gorgeous. I’m so glad you are pampering yourself. This will be a shining light for other men. I’ve been in many conversations with women wanting this for the men in their life and being rejected on it. We’ve been waiting to buy all those lovely things for men. Woohoo!

  140. It is great to read of a man taking care of himself, it paves the way for more men to do likewise, ‘the nancy’ comments would be a typical reaction of many men, though I know of many who are open to looking after themselves with greater care and having a role model who does so can only be a good thing. It makes perfect sense that as a man we would wish to be touched and treated with the same tenderness as women and looking after ourselves is the perfect first step.

  141. ha ha Joel I absolutely love the blog, so lovely and a joy to read, I love the light heartedness and playfulness of it too, I can feel how much you enjoyed yourself. On a more serious note though, its awesome you felt to do this for yourself and blow all those myths out the water then men cannot honour, nurture and deeply care for themselves in this way. Thank you.

  142. Little boys are naturally gentle, self-loving and caring until we shame them into abiding by socially constructed masculine norms that squash their true nature into guilt and inactivity. What a tragedy, because we women miss out on everything we long for in our men. Of course this does not apply to all men but it is the ‘norm’. Good on you Joel for breaking the mould and role modelling a more natural ‘norm’ for men.

  143. It is beautiful to feel that another man is able to connect to what he, and all men, naturally feel inside. I know I enjoy taking time to have a bath, buy products to use – yet there are so many times I put the “doing” ahead of celebrating my being. Your blog lets men know that its not only ok to connect to the sensitivity and tenderness we are but that you can do this anywhere. I also enjoyed the last part about the rubber duck – playfulness in learning to be a true man is a must.

    1. I agree David playfulness is key in reclaiming that super tender little boy inside us that we have walked away from, an integral part of the true man.

  144. What a delightful blog. I loved reading your story of how you witnessed your reaction and chose to unravel what was beanath it and to open yourself up to explore, and how glorious the results. What a great way to support ourself whenever we have a reaction which shows something within us is not in harmony and needs attention.

  145. Thanks so much for inviting me along on your secret mission! Making time for a bath is the next best thing to going to bed early, and when both can be coordinated on the one day, its bliss!

    1. I love the fun approach Joel has in this blog. If I see a cloaked figure in the perfumerie department I will know who it is! But seriously, I look forward to the day when I rub shoulders with men in the ‘beauty’ departments, openly buying soap creams and lotions for themselves, as well as their partners.

  146. I love reading your blogs, Joel! So much fun you bring to exploring new things with humor and enthusiasm of the child! Simply awesome! Thank you.

  147. I love the man pampering. I actually get into trouble for taking longer than my wife to get ready. To be honest, a few years ago I bought my wife some perfume while travelling back from the UK in duty free. I choose the scent based on how it made me feel, but also what I felt she would like, it was a really beautiful smell. Needless to say she did love it and became her favourite. The thing is I liked it too, so began to wear it occasionally until I owned up that I was secretly wearing it… Nothing better than honouring my femininity.

    2. Joel, what a beautiful blog, so joyous to read, I laughed much, and even though I am a woman I know exactly what you are saying. For most of my life I have not pampered or nurtured myself in this way. I do now and yes I do repeat it often.

    3. I love this Matthew and I can relate to owning up to doing something secretly. I have always loved doing my hair and started at some point to put these little rollers in (not quite sure what you call them in English) to make my hair curly or wavy but I didn’t want anyone to see me in this ‘outfit’ but little by little owned up to it and nowadays do not shy away from letting myself be seen this way should this be the case.

    4. What a gorgeous Man you are Matthew. Now isn’t it strange that the favourite fragrance I wear is a man’s cologne – very delicate and with a subtle woody essence, as clean as a forest after rain. No one turns a hair when they find out that is for men.
      But for a man to wear his wife’s beautiful perfume invites censure and comment. This makes no sense. A beautiful fragrance is beautiful regardless of whether it is worn by a man or a woman.

    5. Great Matthew, I did the same and bought a scent for my husband for fathers day recently. I bought it because I loved the smell and new he would like it. He does, but I have secretly been wearing it as well.

  148. Love what you share Joel, it’s great you have been able to connect to the tenderness, with the simple things, not to fussy. The playfulness in your writing is inspiring.

  149. Thank you Joel for this humorous take on men pampering themselves. There does seem to be a belief out there that real men don’t pamper, which makes no sense. I am glad you have found how lovely it can be to buy some smellies and spoil yourself.

  150. How awesome to take the plunge and enjoy the type of nurturing you surely deserve Joel. I love the way you write about your experience Joel, light playful and fun!

  151. wJoel how gorgeous to read your embracing of your own tenderness.
    It highlights to me how I think men don’t need to pamper and care for themselves like women do. I can feel this is not true from what you have shared and will be now including some pamper products as gifts for the men in my life!

  152. Such a joy to read your blog Joel. I love how you expressed so open and light about this, indeed why should man not care for and nurture themselves?

  153. Thank you Joel. So beautiful to hear you honouring your tenderness this way. On the inside I can feel how we’re all as tender as each other, man or woman and honouring this feels like a development in letting go of the hard exterior. Yes please.

  154. Joel, I just love the gentle, honest and humorous way that you express .. although I’m sure you were being deadly serious when you said of course the robe wasn’t ‘too’ fluffy! In all of my realness, you brought the most beautiful sense of truth and goosebumps to my body when you shared the longing in you to be touched with such love, what a miracle indeed that you gave yourself the permission to explore this and not just stay in reaction from that initial moment. Thank you.

  155. What a gorgeous read Joel, it’s like a breath of fresh air, all light and lovely. I laughed out loud, ‘a bit of cream after sunburn is okay’ and felt deeply moved by what was revealed to you from your reaction, ‘A lifetime of choosing rough and tumble over caring and gentle.’ It’s beautiful to feel a man in his tenderness, so deeply inspiring.

  156. Ahhh love it Joel. I like how you stop and ponder after a reaction you have… Got me thinking about my reactions and maybe I need to stop more and give myself a moment to feel what’s actually going on.

  157. Joel – this is fantastic!! I never really thought about how men may not feel they can care for themselves in these ways, but of course that makes total sense. I love the humorous yet strong way you presented your experience. It opened my eyes to things I had not been really seeing or feeling for the men around me.

  159. I read this with a smile on my face. It makes absolute sense that men would want to pamper themselves as much as women do. I am glad you honoured the tenderness that is you Joel.

  160. It’s great to expose the idea that it’s too prissy to moisturise because you’re a man. Society and advertising can have a huge subliminal influence on us and how we behave, and our upbringing can be very strong to tell us what is acceptable and what isn’t. But when we observe what the body wants, it’s so lovely to go with that feeling, and the body so loves to be pampered.

  161. Love to read this! Many men indeed talk about pampering as something only for females, like oh they are doing their thing. It feels so joyful when men also take care of themselves like that!

  162. I do love your blogs Joel, so light and full of humour. How lovely to allow yourself to connect with your tenderness and to really care for yourself.

  164. Fabulous Joel, this made me smile at your discovery of how lovely it is to take care of yourself and let go of any beliefs that it’s not for men. So inspiring. Thank you.

  166. Thank you Joel, a beautiful read and inspiration… as a woman I can feel where I too have held back in my ability to nurture and tenderly care for myself – only going so far. Your blog has inspired me to play further and to allow myself the space to feel and embrace the yumminess we can all welcome into our lives – because we’re worth it!!

  167. So playful and funny, a joy to read. Lovely to read of your experience, thank you. When you write of being touched tenderly, I can feel the need for this in men and women, it is something we all seek. Thank you.

  168. Hilarious, thank you so much and p.s. I love my rubber duck with red hearts on it in my bathroom.

  169. A beautiful read Joel – thank you for sharing your awesome experience in such open and deeply honoring way.

  170. Awesome blog Joel! Your sense of humour and also your sensitivity are exquisite! And it was refreshing to feel how you explored the whole experience. Interestingly I could say that my experience over the years, as a woman, re-discovering tender care and pampering has been somewhat similar in the sense of deep within craving for more of that tenderness whilst for a long long time fighting it. My now-husband used to call me the ‘low maintenance girlfriend’ – as I did not pamper myself much nor wear much make-up and could be ready for a date within 30 seconds.
    Having said that, I have always offered myself a morning and night routine of washing my face and moisturising and have loved my baths too. But over the years this has become more refined in how I go about it, and also I am spending more time with it too (can’t call me ‘low maintenance’ any more! He is finally having to wait for me to get ready for a date). And recently, for the first time in my life, I got a ‘dressing table’ – a beautiful timber one where I can keep my moisturisers, make-up and nail polish etc. I cried when I sat down at it for the first time – like you Joel, I felt the sadness of having missed giving this tenderness and loving pampering to myself…But lookout, there is not a day that goes by without me enjoying myself with that now!

  171. How beautiful Joel. I love it. What affected me a lot was the yearning you speak of to be touched tenderly. Realising that is amazing and then taking responsibility to be tender with yourself is also incredibly amazing.

  172. I loved this blog too, and the humour. Men and women aren’t so different after all, are they? We’re all tender and sensitive and appreciate the same things – feeling warm, cared for, nurtured and yummy. The divide between the genders is a false one – men are no more ‘rough and tumble’ than women, but somehow we’ve all run with the myth that they are and held men to ransom accordingly.

  173. Joel what a beautiful heartfelt connection you have made to yourself with the way you have chosen to care for yourself in this way. It also sounds like fun!

  174. What fun you have allowed yourself, simply by choosing to connect very deeply and lovingly to yourself. allowing your tenderness to re emerge – this is a blessing for us all, to see a man let go of the false ways of being that keep them in the hardness, aloofness, and open up to the truth that the tenderness you know as a little boy is still there just waiting for you to let it out…. yes keep repeating !

  175. Beautiful blog Joel, thank you for your honesty and humor! It reminds me of my own “stage one” of allowing me to grace me as a woman, instead of clothing “pure”. It happened, when I bought some nice Sandals with leathery butterflies on it. My first thought was: “I will cut them off!”. Then something happened with me, I looked at my feet with the butterflies and suddenly I realized how I always have cut off my femaleness, in the same way, I wanted to cut off the butterflies. This was like an initiation to me, my stage one. Do you have a rubber dog meanwhile?

  176. Another amazing lighthearted, but much needed, expose on the way we care for ourselves. To read…” a life-time of wanting, yearning to be touched that tenderly, to be held with that much love, to be allowed to ‘pamper’ myself. A lifetime of choosing rough and tumble over caring and gentle…” speaks volumes to me as a woman too. For although it is much more socially acceptable for women to look after themselves there is a huge gap between doing something you are allowed to do and doing something for yourself with the utmost love and tenderness.

  177. I love it Joel. A lot of younger men these days are pampering themselves but there is a big difference in what you are describing. From what I have noticed with the men is that whilst it may appear that they are caring more for themselves, a great deal of the attention they give themselves is purely for looks. The deep care and nurturing you have described is not even thought about amongst the majority of us, we mainly do these self caring activities for the benefits it can give to our appearance.

  180. Good on you Joel. Why not enjoy the pleasure and tenderness of looking after yourself the way women do.

  181. Thanks Joel. To me it’s sad how society dresses it up so that you cannot do that essential caring for a man and that we simply are ‘too tough’

  182. I am smiling from ear to ear (not sure if this is an expression used in English but I guess you know what I mean : -) while reading your blog. It feels awesome that men claim their tenderness and fragility and share this process with us all. It is beautiful to feel this deepening level of care that men are choosing for themselves and let this side come out more and more.

  184. Classic Joel, thank you for sharing this, I totally love it and I love your humor. I know from my own experience with men, just how much they love the more delicate and tender aspects of taking good care of oneself. I feel greatly the effect of what ‘can’t express affection, pampering, self nurturing or a tender relationship with oneself because it’s not manly’ does to a man. From my own experience and what I have seen in the men I know and love is that without having this relationship with oneself, it contributes to an unhealthy desperation to seek intimacy and affection from another and or dull oneself in some way to escape the sadness of not ‘allowed’ and not accepting oneself as the tender loving caring being that so naturally wishes to enjoy this relationship with oneself as they do others.

  185. What humour, yet how true about wanting to feel tenderness and be nurturing with yourself. Plus smelling great! Many men would not consider caring for themselves in this way, not knowing what they were missing out on. Self-love and tenderness, so beautiful in a man.

  186. Joel, I absolutely adore your writings (and you of course) they are witty, fun and oh so relative and real.
    Always simple, while also offering depth.

  187. I love your secret mission, Francis. Imagine the world when such missions no longer have to be secret, or even a mission at all. I have a rubber bath fish that Mum proudly brought out of storage for me a few years ago, and I would not be too embarassed to float it in my bath. Besides, it smells lovely, from all the baby scent things it was exposed to during my childhood. Pity the plastic bath yachts were lost. My brother and I each had one and used to play in the bath together having yacht races (and studying turbulence, wave refraction, bouyancy and centre of gravity of course). No reason why 43 year-old men can’t also play in the bath like kids, or even just appreciate the wonders of bath ducks. If ducks don’t quite cut it and the feeling is more meditative, there’s the joy of floating candles to explore…. And here’s a cool one: a floating neck support for those long self-nurturing soaks. I once bought a kid’s half-circular neck pillow for myself in Los Angeles airport for a trans-Pacific flight. All the ‘adult’ ones were full of lumpy beads that squeaked and rustled with every movement, but the kid’s ones were soft and quiet, full of springy polyester fibre. My ‘critter piller’ is a golden velvet lion with its face and mane on my right shoulder. People laugh, but let ‘em, I say. The beautiful thing about my neck pillow is, it also floats enough to support the weight of my head. So I can fall asleep in the bath with total trust that my nose won’t slip below the surface!

  188. Joel it is very beautiful to feel the discovery and honouring of the tenderness and care you felt within you. Why is it that pampering is often seen as a woman’s domain, or worse, as something selfish?

  189. Hi Joel – How lovely to read about a man who is proud to admit that he loves to care for himself and is not embarrassed about letting others know how he does it.

  190. I laughed out loud reading this blog Joel – just GOLD! Gold in the way that you delivered a much needed conversation with such humour and lightness. The honesty you graced yourself with to feel sadness of not living & loving the tender and loving man that you are, then allowed you to then set about changing that. I would imagine there are many men who would like to do the same. Did you end up buying the rubber duck ;-)?

  191. Joel, I so love how you express – with lightness, humour and downright honesty, and somehow it makes my heart warm. Thank you. What a joy to read.

  192. What a great post Joel. To hear a man admit and commit to being more caring and nurturing of himself is just beautiful.

  193. I loved the humour in this blog as I come back to re-read it. And thank you Joel for the reminder that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be touched tenderly, and cared for gently. And we can do this for ourselves if and when we choose to.

  194. A truly delightful blog Joel, but I know there is a serious side to this experiment too. I didn’t really know just how much Men miss out on the gentler side of life and their nature, such as gently caring for their bodies using creams after a lingering bath and the soft wrap to snuggle up in. I will see my sons in a different light from now on as well and not be afraid to give self nurturing gifts not just the old after shave lotions, soap on a rope all a bit past it ! Thank you Joel and enjoy your nurturing and I’m sure many men will follow suite.

    1. So true Roslyn, this is something we can bring to our sons at an early age. Looking back, my son has often wanted to be a part of my beauty routine, I have never stopped him but I have not encouraged him either.

  195. Hello Joel, maybe you should start a club?

    I have for years washed, toned and moisturised my face and skin not for any other reason but for how it made me feel. I loved how clean, soft and fresh your face feels after shaving and treating yourself. A bath is a great place and like a sanctuary to me. I have always loved going into Myer and trying all the new products and enjoying how they felt. A few men have had a little swipe or sly remark at me but on a whole most accepted it because of how they saw me. I wasn’t soft and like your ‘Nancy’ comment, I was a strong powerful man that took care of himself and most respected me. Don’t get me started on men’s fragrances, I was addicted and had about 25 at one time, I still have about 10 and why do I have them, because I love to smell good. Thanks Joel, let’s go shopping for clothes next.

    3. Awesome Raymond, I love how you claim this with strength, tenderness and fun. A true inspiration for men and a beautiful reflection for women.

  196. Thank you Joel for sharing. It is amazing how much tenderness and care there is inside of us, we just have to choose to connect to it, let it out and feel the incredible beauty and inspiration of being tender.

    1. It is deeply touching and inspiring to see that men are connecting to their natural beauty and tenderness.

  197. Very joyfull to read 🙂 and how beautiful to allow this caring and tenderness for yourself, especially in men I often find such a deep tenderness that it is awesome when they start to honour it deeply!

  198. I so enjoyed this blog Joel, lovely and touching to hear about your process of reclaiming your tenderness and fragility. I love it when men allow their tenderness and take care of themselves like this. We need more of this in our world.

  199. Thank you Joel, also great to be having a quiet laugh, and to be exploring what can be a really lovely experience for us men. I love my baths, and now even buy Epsom salts and sodium bicarbonate in bulk, I love mixing essential oils and having them in my baths, even when I travel making sure I at least have eucalyptus and lavender. I also love massaging myself after each bath with a gorgeous mixture of Arnica, Chamomile and Lavender Essential Oils combined into a massage cream by friends of mine. I love how my friends at the shop Papillion in Brighton in the UK picked out a range of colognes and perfumes for me so I have a choice now. It’s great. I love looking after me.

  200. I love this Joel – simple, tender, funny and gorgeous all rolled into one blog! I think all men should go on secret missions like this more often 😉

  201. Your blog made me laugh Joel and I can completely relate to secretly wanting to be more tender with myself but not feeling allowed to be as a man. And here’s another secret – men are just as sensitive as women. We all know it so why do we go to such lengths to hide the bleeding obvious?

  202. I am back reading your blog again, it is even better than I remember. I also love your comment Katerina.

  203. I have a big black dog, he is really solid, strong, with a loud bark, and he is ‘entire’. He is butch, always on alert for any sort of threat, very territorial and quite the ‘alpha male type dog’. Yet, it takes so little for him to roll on his back inviting a tummy rub, will look at me with ‘those eyes’ that say ‘come on dad, give me some loving pats and cuddles’. He’s actually a really big softie, loves sprawling out in the sun, splashing around in water, having fun chasing rabbits (not fun for them) and absolutely loves playing with little white dogs, those really little ‘toy dogs’, quite a laugh to watch a big black 40kg lab-cross being ever so gentle with a 5kg yapper. So, Joel, if men are anything like my Benji then they can still definitely be ‘real men’ and still have a huge ‘soft spot’ and a natural way of ‘pampering’ themselves, rubber duckies included.

  205. Joel, what a delicate and fragile sharing from the tenderness and sweetness of the man you are. One of the must-reads for all men. Rubber duckies and fluffy robes included 🙂

  208. Beautiful Joel! Only recently, I have ventured into the world of caring for myself. In this journey I have discovered some things, I have acknowledged others, and in other instances I have accepted that doing things differently made a huge difference. The way I care for myself today has nothing to do with how I did not do it in the past.

  209. hahah this is gorgeous! so light and fun as well the way you have written this blog. It made me giggle with your humour but gorgeous that you persisted with your stages and went for it Joel!

  212. Great blog, thanks Joel. What is not great is telling everyone about our secrets. Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone that some men don’t like football!!

  213. Joel I loved your secret mission! It’s inspiring and deeply touching to hear about a man caring and nurturing himself, why do we pretend this is just for women! It’s crazy!

  214. Awesome Joel, how beautiful that you gave yourself permission to feel and how this choice allowed you the freedom go on a secret mission and begin tenderly taking care of yourself. I love that this tender loving care is a quality you always wanted and now it is part of your self care routine. Very inspiring.

    1. Exactly Jonathan, this sentence really stood out to me too because it was a moment that could have so easily been brushed over and instead revealed a treasure; the honest sharing of a man who discovered he longed to tenderly care for and pamper himself. This is something we hear very little about and it strikes me that a lot more needs to be said around this area, so that men can ‘come out’ about their sensitivity and gradually we as a society come to accept this aspect of a man and stop imposing the rough and tumble on our young boys.

  216. What an amazing adventure that can come from looking underneath one’s reactions and feeling what is there. Very inspiring playful and fun. Thanks Joel.

  217. What this blog shows me is that there is a lot that can open up if I am willing to feel what is underneath my reactions.

  221. This made me laugh so much! Just fantastic! As men we are told to “be brave” and do what it takes to do whatever it is that we’re supposed to do. But it is so amazing that when it comes to taking care of ourselves, we use that wall of “manliness” to disguise the fact that we can be a bit scared to do that! Thank you for being brave in the truest sense!

    …and I hope that you have found a good name for your rubber duck.

  222. Ahh, thankyou so much for this sharing which brought me instantly to tears and simultaneous beaming smile and light heart. Very very lovely.

  229. Ha ha great Joel. Love your sense of humour. I felt touched to read how you opened up to your own tenderness and how you have encouraged this to be/continue….to stage 3.

  230. Thanks Joel. I giggled reading this imagining you secretly buying products for your own exploration of self caring and nurturing. Go for it and spread the word to all your guy friends too. I also feel to share that my partner recently used some of my shower creme as his had run out. When I commented on how gorgeous he smelt he explained what he had used and said he liked it best as “it feels so lovely and soft on his skin”. It was in a lovely pink tube too. Welcome to the new era of gentle guys. Awesome.

  231. Super fun to read your account of ‘man care’ and the three stages that worked for you. You sure have ‘come up roses’ by the sound of it :).

    P.S. I was wondering if you realise those ‘girly sections’ in department store and ‘smelly’ shops can be a bit overpowering for some of the females of this world at times…

  232. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…loved your story Joel. Made me remember the time I put on some lipstick and from watching my mother and sisters did the whole smacking my lips together (in gentleness I might add) to get the lippy right.

  233. Joel thank you for bringing up such a delicate and important subject in such a lighthearted and funny way. I enjoyed reading it so much. Did you get that rubber duck allready?

  236. Beautifully expressed Joel. I can see you having fun with your ‘bounty’. So what have you discovered on your secret mission? How does it feel to treat yourself in this way after your reaction to it all in the beginning? Would love to hear more!

  237. So beautifully expressed. I can totally see you having fun with your ‘bounty’. It is certainly lovely to care for yourself in this way and what an example to other men who may feel the same as you once did. Have you come out of the closet yet about what you have discovered, how it makes you feel? Love to hear more.

  238. Wow I Love your humour in your mission to discover your true tenderness within, I’d say mission complete and mission successful and I shall be sharing your mission report with your colleagues in arms, my son and husband.

    Thank you for your inspiration and true bravery, society is in need of more men living with tenderness you are a true role model, totally awesome, your the best….

  240. You made me laugh out loud and I can really feel your joy. Congratulations on taking a huge step towards loving yourself and thank you for your candid honesty. It is such a privilege to be witnessing these gorgeous men claiming their tenderness, and that includes my beautiful husband. It is what we all need in the world today, men and women who are being tender and loving towards themselves and consequently, towards each other.

  241. That brought a smile to my face. Great to see a man allowing himself time to self nurture.. what a great role model you are to your boys and to all our boys. There really is nothing better than a relaxing bath followed by snuggling in a fluffy bathrobe…not too fluffy of course for the men.

  242. Joel I loved reading this! I am glad you got to the realisation that a rubby ducky would be a good addition! Unfortunately I can relate too well to avoiding pampering. I have been inspired by your mission and shall under take my own mission.

  243. What a Joy this post is…First you had my eyes briefly swell up with tears – guess which para that was – here is a give away – what comes after two but before four?
    Secondly, you had me laugh out loud.
    And thirdly, you had me laugh out even louder.
    Duck is in the post 😉
    As well as a huge THANK YOU note 🙂

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