by Joel L, Western Australia
These pages are filled with some amazing stories, all with a common theme: people talking about a new found sense of self that appears to have stemmed from taking a deeper level of responsibility for, and commitment to, themselves. The term given for this way of living has been called the ‘Way of the Livingness’.
I am also a student of the Way of the Livingness and can say that the ‘me’ I am re-discovering is, without a question, the real me. In fact, it is that part of me I have wanted to connect to for most of my life. The simplest part about the Way of the Livingness is that it didn’t ask me to follow a set diet or regime. All it asked was for me to pay attention to the choices I was making and the effect they had on me. Over time, I noticed it made a difference when I slept, what I ate and how I exercised; in fact there was very little that I did, that did not make a difference to how I felt.
In the past some of these choices became ‘needs’ or ‘demands’ – they became a regime I had to follow. As such, I was adding stress to try to improve well-being. With the ‘Way of the Livingness’, each choice I make connects me to a part of me that feels so amazing, so solid, so true, that making all those choices does not feel like a chore, a sacrifice or a drain. In fact, eight years on and I am more relaxed, I have more energy, time and productivity – yet I am more dedicated to the detail of my life than ever before.
However, I have noticed a limit in what I can ‘improve’ in my life through these lifestyle and diet choices, and that the intention I have with any given task is what makes a profound difference. This means at some point I needed to move the focus from what I am doing in each moment, to how I am in each moment. In fact, ‘how I am’ comes before anything I do, and the ‘how’ often determines the ‘what’.
Sit with that for a moment, as there is a huge difference – there is a real possibility that there has been a difference between ‘who I have been’ in all my actions and ‘who I really am’ in my essence.
The wonderful part is the possibility that I might be able to stop wasting energy with all those things I have chosen so that the world would see me a certain way. It has been huge for me to realise I made a contract with the world many, many years ago: the contract was that if I act in a certain way, the world would leave me alone. If I worked hard, was a good dad, a good husband and a nice guy, other people would accept me… in fact people might even praise me.
This is not to say that the ‘real me’ is not all those things, but that when I do them to hide or because I think I should do them, to gain the acceptance, or to fly ‘under the radar’, it feels very different to when I do them because I choose to. The reality is, the only reason the choice to show ‘me’ feels scary is because I have spent so much time living behind the ‘front’ that the world has come to expect.
What makes the contract I bought into ridiculous, is that it hasn’t been all roses and caviar. Some of the roles I agreed to play included giving my power away to others, feeling despondent at times, being the provider (for others, but not for myself), and putting a lot of effort into hiding behind Mr Nice.
In truth, the contract was a bum deal, yet I signed up to it and paid my dues every day with every action and every breath… my payoff was I got to keep hiding. So if I was out and people were drinking heavily and I felt tired, Mr Nice would match their drinking so as to not be left out or stand out – while the real me wanted to thank them for the evening and excuse myself. Hiding was also joining in when a group of guys started talking about sports, cars, or denigrating women – while the real me wanted to say ‘I’m not that into sports’, and offer another topic.
By being ‘the same’ I can hide, by being ‘me’ it sometimes feels like I am very visible in that moment. Even though being visible feels true, real and lovely, the temptation to blend in was, and to a degree still is, very strong.
So on one hand there is a love so true that it asks nothing but for me to be with it (be with me): on the other, a contract so draining that it hurts to feel the fatigue in my body from trying to live up to it.
You would think the choice to stand as me, with all the joy and vitality that brings, would be a no-brainer, but I still feel the tug of that contract niggling at me to not buck the system. At times others don’t like the fact that I am changing the rules I live by… but maybe it’s because they have been hiding too, and need me to not change. At times I don’t want to feel all the joy that is there to feel because it reminds me of the time I have wasted.
I am still finding ‘clauses’ in the contract that I didn’t realise I had signed up for, but regardless of this fact, the ‘Way of the Livingness’ is a new deal I am making with myself.
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
The Way of the Livingness asks us to pay attention to the choices we are making, ‘All it asked was for me to pay attention to the choices I was making and the effect they had on me.’ Very wise, to be aware of the consequences of our choices.
I agree Elizabeth, and definitely time to cancel and stop those contracts, ‘I feel sure the contracts we signed to be less than who we truly are, came from an evil source that is devoid of love and who did not want us to live as the divine beings that we truly are.’
Universal Medicine brings an understanding of energy and the choice we all have as to which energy we align to in the way we live.
I used to hide myself a lot in my life. By doing so, I was negating the qualities that I bring to the community and this is not loving to myself, but also it is a great loss to the whole I’m part of. Being aware of that, takes me back to connect with the responsibility of my contribution to society and how important it is to feel and honour the blessing that I am, when I share fully and transparently who I am.
It’s a fascinating process how every detail of the previous deal gets unpicked one by one as we deepen our commitment to a new deal, and how we can deepen our own understanding about why we chose what we chose, with no guilt/shame/regret.
“All it asked was for me to pay attention to the choices I was making and the effect they had on me.” The Way of the Livingness is very simple, and once we recognise the effects of our choices on ourselves, we begin to see the effects of our choices on others, which brings an even greater purpose to our lives.
Our choices have such a knock-on effect, being aware of these effects brings in more responsibility.
So True Joel, and the undoing of our love-less ways changes the way we move and this also has an amazing effect on our lives especially when we bring a focus to our movements as a part of our Livingness.
There is such a simplicity to life when we can be ourselves, but I always feel the incredible tension and a sense like a burden or a huge weight inside myself when I step away from me and take on a role, or live something that is not true to me. It really does feel like I’m going against myself.
We sign a contract without reading the T’s & C’s and then wonder why we’re in the mess we are in!
“So on one hand there is a love so true that it asks nothing but for me to be with it (be with me): on the other, a contract so draining that it hurts to feel the fatigue in my body from trying to live up to it.” So interesting how we can still opt for the latter, even though we know and feel to our bones the truth of the former…
Love what you have said here Joel – The Way of The Livingness never tells a person what to do. As you have beautifully said “All it asked was for me to pay attention to the choices I was making and the effect they had on me.” and from here we can then make changes as we choose to.
“At times I don’t want to feel all the joy that is there to feel because it reminds me of the time I have wasted.” I love your honesty here Joel – but if we go into regret we can dwell on that and actually it then becomes an indulgence. Instead we can start to deeply appreciate the choices that we are making to no longer do that and then we get to feel the joy, and so does everyone else!
Reading the small print on this contract we have all signed takes some doing and requires us to hone in on the details. In fact, some details are so minute that it takes some time for them to come to the surface as if etched invisibly into the paper but ultimately all has to come to the surface to reveal itself.
I know what you mean. When signing the contract with hiding Life seemed easier. When I decided not to hide, there is pressure from everywhere to go back to that hiding for comfort. But there is a way which we live consistently despite this pressure in joy.
We certainly could do with a ‘New Deal’ as the old deal of not upsetting the status quo is failing us…we are failing ourselves and each other when we live less than the essential beings we are.
Thank you for this honest insightful article Joel. Written in 2012 the principles do not change though as our awareness grows our experiences reflect the same. This for me ever remains true, “In fact, ‘how I am’ comes before anything I do, and the ‘how’ often determines the ‘what’.”
Beautifully said Victoria – this article has not dated and all that Joel has shared is still relevant today. How we are is the quality that we bring to the what we do, and this is a wonderful revelation for anyone and has been super important for me to remind myself of all of the time.
Yes, the quality of energy we bring in everything we do is always important.
When we make the facade on the outside of us the priority, we can tend to disregard the depth and potential of who we and others really are in essence.
Great to read this again Joel, it’s very true about the effort it takes to live an untrue version of ourselves, we are literally fighting against being the natural essence of who we are with each move we make. How much more energy must we have when we let all of who we naturally are out, including all of our love?
We are constantly making contracts by what we choose to jump into, think about, talk about or desire, and these arrangements can be incredibly tricky to get out of. The question is – what do we truly want from life – and what do we want to jump with both feet into?
I think people need people that can be themselves, so that we can get out of this mess we have created for ourselves, us humans. If you look at it we don’t have much true joy in our lives. We have things that makes us happy for a moment or two but it doesn’t last. And considering the huge amount of illness and disease that we are facing as a human species we have to admit that something is disturbingly wrong. And that could be that we have been living to ideals and beliefs of how we should be instead of living the true version of us. That might rock the boat as you say but boy do we miss that, I miss that, and feel more and more how important it is to live what is true, what else can there be?
I know how important it’s been for me to have people in my life that live the fullness of who they are, so I can understand the importance of your comment Matts of how we too can be that for others.
So true, and that is also a reminder to appreciate who we are and what we have to inspire others with and by.
Before getting in contact with Universal Medicine, what we call me and the part of us we are in touch with is truly limited and not even the best one.
“I am still finding ‘clauses’ in the contract that I didn’t realise I had signed up for” The more I live The Way of The Livingness the more clauses I discover I had not realised I had signed up for and hence the more I discover the truth of myself.
I have not allowed myself to feel joy because another wasn’t feeling it! Why wait when I know it is screaming to be let out?! It is not my responsibility if another is not feeling the same as me… my purpose is to be true to me.
Life for adults is not very different to the school yard, there is cool group apparently which is just a majority, and people feeling they want to be accepted and changing themselves to fit in. There seems to be this huge weight on us all to not be ourselves, and perhaps it could be said that we have developed a culture that doesn’t readily accept others as they are. Why else would we all be playing the game of contracts? This is a great line too Joel, “the ‘Way of the Livingness’, each choice I make connects me to a part of me that feels so amazing.” In its most simple explanation we could say that The Way of the Livingness is being (and living) who we truly are in every part of life.
I so agree that the choice to stand as our true self with all the joy and vitality really is a no-brainer, yet I can feel how I am still shying away from going all the way in full throttle and instead leave a little margin.
‘by being ‘me’ it sometimes feels like I am very visible in that moment’ and that for me (and many others!) is often the crux of it … that we’ve made a deal to blend in, to not stand out. To be us we need to undo that deal.
What I love so much about reading blogs like is I find perfect gems to read at exactly the right time. I’ve become very aware of how much I can sell out to the world all as part of a deal that says if I do this, you’ll leave me alone and my part in it to choose to hide, and fit in, and as I’m increasingly uncomfortable with this and noticing how much it hurts my body, I’m beginning to stand me in what I feel and let people see me and just be me … there’s lots of old habits and indeed comforts to break in this, but as I unravel more of them, I get to see and feel how I am and that in fact Increasingly I want to be me, and not the facade I’ve bought into. There’s lots of adjustment with this and there will be more but I couldn’t imagine being on any journey other than this one … back to living more and more who I am.
This is so so true and there is a growing awareness of how much time and energy we can waste looking and walking in the wrong direction. The wrong direction being further away from who we truly are. When we put life back on track or back into flow it becomes simple and dare I say easier because firstly you aren’t fighting yourself, you actually own feelings which already takes up an enormous amount of time and energy and secondly you aren’t fighting the world around you. The Way of The Livingness awakes us back to the fact of what we are truly feeling and we can use all our energy to fight this fact or we can surrender ourselves back to this fact and allow ourselves to be true be in all, that is our power.
Joel your words “yet I am more dedicated to the detail of my life than ever before” really resonated with me, since I have started to really take responsibility for my choices and feel far more connected with myself, I find that I enjoy the detail, and it keeps me focused on what I’m doing at the time.
The attention to ‘what I am doing’ in each moment to ‘how I am’ in each moment is to be present in everything we do or are. How often do we easily switch off and not be responsible for our actions?
I loved reading this blog, it’s dissected everything and no stone is left unturned, nothing can be missed and there’s always more to explore. Something I used to think was just to do with life – what a turn around……
Very inspiring Joel to read your blog and the process for you of living the real and true self, not the one that moulds and compromises to fit in. “So on one hand there is a love so true that it asks nothing but for me to be with it (be with me): on the other, a contract so draining that it hurts to feel the fatigue in my body from trying to live up to it.” Thank you for this line, it’s exactly what I’m experiencing at the moment – awesome!
The truth is the contracts we make keep us small, exhausted and always searching for more, making a new deal with The Way of The Livingness is a powerful choice that feels expansive, more loving and supports us every step of the way… and this new deal is the reflection humanity needs to pull them towards this truth and this grandness of love that everyone is deeply craving.
The beautiful thing is the love is always there and always has been, it’s who we are, so as we begin to live the love we are, it’s becomes about letting go of living to conditions and compromises.
It was us who walked away from the Love, from God, we can choose to return to who we are and to that Love, to God.
I love your playfulness, Joel, around this very seriously damaging contract that you, me and many others have signed up to. What on earth were we thinking? It took The Way of The Livingness to show me there is a different way to live . . . a way where there is no need to sign our self away . . . a way the in fact does the polar opposite and signs us in to committing to be all that ‘we are’ instead of all that ‘we are not’.
I too have ripped up the ‘old deal’ that I had made with life, one where I pretended to be someone that I was not, someone who ended up struggling through life, not really enjoying it for much of the time. The ‘new deal’, that I have chosen to live these days is also The Way of The Livingness, a way of living which asks nothing of me but to be all that I am; no pretending, no struggling, just a very joy-filled and truth-filled way of being.
Thank you Ingrid, lovely to read your comment and this line “The Way of The Livingness, a way of living which asks nothing of me but to be all that I am…”
‘All it asked was for me to pay attention to the choices I was making and the effect they had on me.’ By taking an increasingly more honest look at ourselves and our behaviours we can see how we are keeping ourselves back from living at full capacity. We begin to feel our potential as we dare to let go of some of our former restrictive patterns. As we express more of ourselves, our new found selves, we find there is even more to us than we had imagined and we begin to feel the joy of these discoveries and begin to live with that joy instead of the highs and lows of the existence we had formerly been in.
“the ‘how’ often determines the ‘what’” so true. When I am the real and amazing me in every move I make then I do not choose to do something that dulls that shine.
The greatest illusion is to live convinced that a false and restricted version of oneself is the real and true one.
It really does rock the boat when what the world expects of us we no longer do but the real me comes from me, comes from within me, my essence and not from any belief, ideal or picture of what I should do or how I should be.
“By being ‘the same’ I can hide, by being ‘me’ it sometimes feels like I am very visible in that moment.” And with that visibility we can change the world as the other can feel that there is an other way to life – to fit in and be not visible is a role most of us like to play so that we do not rock the boat so to speak – it is more comfortable.
This is such a clever and cute expression, you have a way with words Joel, a way that touches me deeply. I am being tugged at the moment, I am struggling to hold myself and not just go into the blending pot that makes up most of what I see around me. Why you might ask am I struggling to remain me? One of the reasons is the fear of makings others uncomfortable but when I read inspiring blogs like this, it makes me remember that life is about reflecting truth.
When I have felt the discomfort in another because I have not behaved in a way that was expected I have gone into feeling guilty for upsetting them. I would worry because of what I had created blaming myself but I am beginning to realise and become aware of what is important – putting them first and their needs or choosing love and being true to me?
Maybe it is supportive for others to feel un-comfort-able, as it can offer an opportunity to be inspired to live in a new way, one that doesn’t mean dancing to a contract, but simply being ourselves. There is a comfort in allowing life to stay the same, to not change, to enjoin, or more succinctly to not return to who we each truly are. From this perspective it could be said that to be un-comfort-able is s very good thing!
Me too. How I see and experience myself and my life has completely changed since I encountered The Way of The Livingness. It’s not that I started giving myself a set of new rules to live by, but just one simple choice to come back and connect to my inner-most, that is all it takes, then other choices follow. If I wobble, whoops, I keep coming back soon or later.
An honest and poignant sharing, thank-you Joel. I’m with you, with all that I have embraced today in living The Way of The Livingness, as my religious way… In this, there are no contracts, zilch. And as we deepen in our return to all that we truly are (the ‘real us’ as you say…), we meet those areas of life where we have signed ourselves over to a contract, however seemingly unconsciously so…
What liberation it (truly) is to be able to break these things down – drop the role of ‘nice’, of ‘provider’, of ‘good daughter’, ‘looking after everyone else first’… or whatever we have donned, and realise that beneath all of this is a greatness of being that has never ever dimmed or gone anywhere, but simply been blanketed by the falsity we’ve wilfully chosen.
I love what you are saying here Joel about The Way of The Livingness. It has also been my experience that it is not a set of rules or tenets that you have to follow in order to find yourself (as many self-help techniques claim to offer) but rather it says stop and connect to who you are and actually feel the quality of your essence and then apply that to your life and you will know the changes that need to be made to sustain that connection with yourself and everyone else. A very different philosophy for me and it makes all the difference.
The Way of the Livingness keeps living simple, ‘ connect to who you are and actually feel the quality of your essence and then apply that to your life’.
We become masters of ‘fitting in’ to avoid reaction from others. Even though reactions don’t feel very nice, they are actually a confirmation that we are doing well and reflecting a point of difference that can make people feel uncomfortable about their own choices to not live and reflect their true quality also.
“I am still finding ‘clauses’ in the contract that I didn’t realise I had signed up for, but regardless of this fact, ‘The Way of The Livingness’ is a new deal I am making with myself.” A beautiful conclusion showing that there is always more to explore and uncover about ourselves.
So awesome Joel! You are a shining example of what it means to be a human in this world. I love how open you are to being vulnerable, and appreciating yourself as a man that is who he is and not what he does. I love that you don’t have any quick fixes and that you share it being a work in progress. That’s real!! It’s a breath of fresh air to read that life is a continuing experiment and evolution and no one thing is going to make it perfect.
Thank you Joel. It is always great to be reminded of the past deals we have made and the changes and challenges we have had since then that we have overcome.
Like it Joel, making a new deal with yourself. Definitely and it can be very uncomfortable to start to stand out and to say what you truly feel and then other times it can be really awesome and no one bats an eyelid. The terrible shame of it all is so many of us live in the fear of what others will say or do the ‘reaction’ that we just give up and join in, BUT it is our projection of what we think will happen that inhibits us from naturally expressing, we just accept this idea rather than challenge it and express.
It is certainly worth looking at the contract we signed up for especially the small print, those finer details in the contract that can be easily overlooked. The (what may seem insignificant to most) ill-choices are so ingrained that it requires a dedicated commitment to oneself to call them out and by doing so naturally affects the status quo but what this brings through ourselves and as a reflection for humanity is love, true love which is greater than any excuse that keeps us in our comfort and in hiding.
The contract we sign up for being born opens us to the many lesser and indulgent ways of being. As Joel claims “This means at some point I needed to move the focus from what I am doing in each moment, to how I am in each moment.” to break the cycle.
Religions tend to be pretty prescriptive regarding things. You cannot do this or that because this or that contradicts the tenets of this religion and if you want to belong to it you have to conform. So, the realm of choices is always limited and always ‘looking up’. How many religions ask you how the choices you make affect you? How many religions have as part of its tenets that how you feel in your body matters a great deal? How many religions give you the total freedom to make choices and are open to you learning the consequences in your own body of what you choose? Not many. In some religions you learn to avoid things in the name of this is against my faith. In The Way of The Livingness, it is not a matter of faith, but of evolution.
Yes an ever-expanding way, the Way of the Livingness when actually walked can challenge every ideal and belief we may have previously subscribed to and why. A natural unfolding that we choose by our movements, the quality we live.
It seems to me that so many of us signed up to this same “contract with the world”, but we signed it without reading the small print that said one of the conditions is that you agree to no long be your true self; that you will not live by what you inherently know to be true, but by the ideals, beliefs and lies that you will be fed, and most importantly, you will not question all of the above. Like you Joel, I’m ripping up the contract but at times that small print still keeps tripping me up; it’s a work in progress but one that has my total commitment.
As I move away from the contract of the past, the space I feel within for more love continues to astound me. It astounds me how much my old contract took up space within me. Contract being a great word for it felt very contracted. My deal was I fill myself with so much of what is not me, I leave no space to feel the great expansion that I am. My new contact is I feel what is not of the love I am and clear it out to make space for all the love I am.
Ah yes the word exposes itself, ‘contract’, certainly not a wise deal to make. I love how you have dropped the ‘r’ and now it reads contact… the words have very different feels, one of reduction and the other of expansion and space.
It is both simple and logical – the quality and way that we live every moment in every day accumulates and determines the quality of our life.
Fitting in, doing good, hiding ourselves from the world in our work or other role. Sounds like most people I know. It’s not about being disrespectful at all but recognising in ourselves that we have a range of tools up our sleeves that we pull out at the drop of a hat so that we are not truly seen. I certainly do. But these tools are well used and so used that most of the time we don’t even know we are using them or that we have them in the first place.
That is a great starting point you make Joel, The Way of The Livingness is a lived religion, a lived way which really works. Everybody can try that out for themselves, there is no need to argue or prove anything as it is available to all and can be lived by everyone. And it supports us to discover who we truly are and that is still only the beginning as there is so much more.
When I consider ‘The Way of The Livingness’ I feel faced with what the alternative is. What are we if we are not truly living? To me this reconnection to the self is common sense – although as Joel shares here, that doesn’t guarantee we will choose it of course. There’s some to-ing and fro-ing in my experience but The Livingness consistently offers itself as a real option and one which it is my intention to choose more and more.
It is empowering to know that the rules of the contract can change at any moment through our choices and every movement we make, a work in progress for me as there are times when I slip back into the comfort of the contract and notice that choice doesn’t support or evolve me in anyway.
“At times others don’t like the fact that I am changing the rules I live by…” often a true reflection can bring up a lot for people, as it shines the light on all that has not been chosen. We always have a choice to either be inspired to be what we know to be true, or react to the exposure.
Well said Victoria for in every experience we have we can learn and grow in response to it, or we can emotionally react. There is nothing in between.
Thank you Joel. “I am still finding ‘clauses’ in the contract that I didn’t realise I had signed up for”… yes quite amazing really when we start to unravel all the ways, the behaviours we have adopted that are not true. This is the real deal.
Thank you Joel for another great article, I especially relate to the hiding and the being nice, the nice identified me as a good person and the good identified me as worth while, all an illusion of what we do is who we are. When the real me is in my essence and connecting to this love i can live the real me.
I sometimes feel like I slip back into old patterns or ways of being and feel a little off centre, but because I have started to make more and more choices to let the real me out into the world the easier it is to connect right back. Signing the contract to live from who I really am was a great deal to sign and one available for continual exploration and loving discoveries always.
The more I am me it’s true, the more I stand out. But I’m starting to get more used to this and although I can still hide, the pull to be myself is getting stronger so I am becoming more of me every day.
I can reread you blogs Joel and feel that I have never read them before. Maybe this is because you pack so much wisdom into each one. I love the way you make ‘being yourself ‘not such a big deal as it is as simple as owning your truth at any given moment and yet you also make it clear that it is a great deal and the only deal to make!
Joel has a beautiful way of sharing wisdom, ‘on one hand there is a love so true that it asks nothing but for me to be with it (be with me): on the other, a contract so draining that it hurts to feel the fatigue in my body from trying to live up to it.’
‘I am still finding ‘clauses’ in the contract that I didn’t realise I had signed up for,…’ Ha!! brilliant. I too seem to be finding these clauses, but on we get with it.
I love this Joel . . .”So on one hand there is a love so true that it asks nothing but for me to be with it (be with me): on the other, a contract so draining that it hurts to feel the fatigue in my body from trying to live up to it.” . . Ah . . . the deals we have made that drain us . . .Ms Nice is such hard work also! But hey the new deal is IT and I have signed up but just like you the old deal has been hard to shake off as it has been going for so long. I never mind though it is still so worth sticking with the new deal and eventually all that is not me will fall away!
The me I am discovering is much more aware that she is a part of everything, so even though the face I was putting on for the world was so I would fit in, it was also so I would remain an individual separate from my equal brothers and in effect separate from myself. The true me comes with connection with everyone, a knowing that I am not separate and that separation is just an illusion, as we all live in the same space with the same atoms running through us. When I know this, why feel separate?
“I am also a student of The Way of The Livingness and can say that the ‘me’ I am re-discovering is, without a question, the real me.” I would have to agree with this for myself as well. It feels awesome to finally come to realise my true self. This is an ever unfolding, authentic connection with my soul.
If I strip away the who I have been…all the roles, the good person, the kind friend, the efficient, hard worker, and all, and bring it back to who I am…the essence of me…what happens? Have I been playing someone that is not truly me? Was I hiding in these roles? So does this mean I was not living the truth of myself and not showing my true face to the world? I am begining to realise how exhausting it is putting energy into this functional version of myself. I’ve been putting energy into a picture I hold of how things should look.
The Way of The Livingness has given me a pause, it has helped me question this path and has shone a light on another, truer possibility. The Way of The Livingness allows me to truly look at how I am in the world and the truth of that.
I think most of us made a contract with the world that would leave us alone and where we could hide. I became very good at hiding, became almost invisible, so easily done when you stop expressing and withdraw from life. There are still aspects of that contract that I made that try and draw me back, but what I am finding is that I have built a momentum of consistent loving choices that truly support me to stay on track and not fall back. And The Way of The Livingness is my chosen way.
I started a new job recently and that ‘contract’ you speak of is exactly what I was pondering on – what is my contract based on? The way I work is very different from how it used to be, but I am also noticing how I would abandon myself to fill the demand and be neglecting of how I am feeling, which makes me question whether what is propelling me to work with what appears to be a very high level of integrity and responsibility could actually be not that different from before – i.e. the insecurity, in other words, the lack of trust in All that is.
Great to return to this sharing Joel. I can see the difference in myself since the last visit thanks to the New deal you shared with us! I am not hiding behind the old deals doing but rather looking more at what is happening in this moment and where I am in that.
” to move the focus from what I am doing in each moment, to how I am in each moment. In fact, ‘how I am’ comes before anything I do, and the ‘how’ often determines the ‘what’.” From operating on auto pilot to considering how, what, before the movement is such a responsible place to live from, but the body is lovingly guiding us with Divine connection on our path, which makes life a simple choice. To live love or not!
It’s uncomfortable for those around to witness the loving choices I have made in my life, my relationships, in where I live, with food and alcohol. It bought up so much, because a comfortable way of living can mask so much that we are not prepared to admit is not working. But full circle and I have continued to live in such joy and my friends have settled back but our relationship have deepened and a lovely connection continues to blossom.
I love this way of seeing The Way of The livingness as a new deal to live from. I can see so many parts of the old deal of fitting in in my life, but feel what a great support it is to have made this new deal and feeling what is in the way to live this new deal in full.
Through living in a ‘ new deal’ with myself to discover my essence, the what that makes me ‘me’! I have come to appreciate the quality I uniquely bring, no different to everyone of us, we all have a contribution to share equally. I now live in accordance to the impulses I feel rather than in the ‘old deal’ just wanting to belong and feel accepted by everyone else. Trouble with that was no one knew who they were either, so there was never any true connection just a lot of lost Souls grabbing onto a commonality that gave a sense of a belonging. This ‘new deal’ is the ‘ real deal’.
Moving from what I am doing in each moment to how I am in each moment is huge. It changes everything and really helps focus on what is essential to a quality of not hiding. I know when I go into this because my body tenses and I am no longer breathing the same way as before. I have changed to accommodate a learned way of being, but not a true one. Focusing on how I am in each moment changes this and brings me back to me.
As a serial ‘hider’ who has mastered the art of flying under the radar I can totally relate to your blog Joel. I too have discovered the changes that a shift in focus from what I am doing to who I am in what I do reaps a completely different way of being. Living my truest self takes responsibility but the rewards do not make this an onerous task.
What lurks behind the veneer of Mr and Ms nice is not always that nice at all and this is something we all need to be very aware of.
When it comes to true integrity and quality the how definitely becomes before the what Joel – well said.
As always a stellar blog Joel.
Joel has a way of writing that always keeps me wanting to read more, he shares immense wisdom in simple and light ways.
I’m often amazed at what I signed up for to be able to hide the real me. Every day I’m discovering how awesome the real me is and that it’s so worth not hiding or pretending to be someone I’m not, who I really don’t want to be any way. I’m so glad I’ve discovered the Way of The Livingness to find the way back to the true me.
Brilliant blog Joel. I can so relate to everything you’ve shared. ‘By being ‘the same’ I can hide, by being ‘me’ it sometimes feels like I am very visible in that moment.’ This is so, true and to me hiding who I am is going against how I truly feel to be with myself and others. This often causes me to be exhausted, feeling dull and heavy. To be myself feels so much lighter, easy and joyful, so it make sense to choose to be myself all of the time. Holding back feels very unnatural.
It is true, the deal we made does not work for anyone but only brought the comfort of blending in. This is in expense of our body, because holding back is very draining on our body.
Its a great perspective when we look at our life and actually realize that we have made a deal to be accepted in a certain way. This exposes very clearly how much we try to control and how little control we actually have, when subscribing to control.
I too feel the struggle within the comfort that the contract provides… through hiding our true selves and not asking us to shine and be seen to be and live our true selves … in the comfort nobody reflects that we are all so much more than we allow ourselves to be and without those willing to step into the light, we all suffer.
On reflection I can see so clearly that all the groups and organisations I connected with over many years, in the “hope” that I would find all the answers I was looking for, all had a “regime I had to follow”, and follow them I did for a while until thankfully waking up one day and going, this is not it. And then along came Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and the Way of the Livingness and suddenly no one was telling me what to do but simply offering me another way of living, the one that I instantly knew I had been searching for the whole time. There were moments when I wanted to be told what to do but slowly came to the realisation that any changes in my life were solely my responsibility – it was up to me to save me. That was the day I began to rip up all those contracts I had ever made that had me living a lesser version of the one that I actually was.
“At times others don’t like the fact that I am changing the rules I live by… but maybe it’s because they have been hiding too, and need me to not change.” I find it fascinating that so many don’t like the way I am now choosing to live and try to draw me back in to old ways – to sabotage myself. Understanding that it is all about the energy we choose to align to has enabled me to let go of judgement – against them and also myself when I stuff up.
“…at some point I needed to move the focus from what I am doing in each moment, to how I am in each moment. In fact, ‘how I am’ comes before anything I do, and the ‘how’ often determines the ‘what’.” This is gold Joel. The quality in which we do things is of the utmost importance.
I agree Linda, I love how Joel said: ‘By being ‘the same’ I can hide, by being ‘me’ it sometimes feels like I am very visible in that moment.’ There comes a time when we have to make a choice between being safe and comfortable or staying true to who we are and also to everything we know is true and worth standing up for.
“So on one hand there is a love so true that it asks nothing but for me to be with it (be with me): on the other, a contract so draining that it hurts to feel the fatigue in my body from trying to live up to it.” And in doing this Joel – choosing the contract – we are causing untold harm to ourselves and not being helpful to others in the process whereas if we choose love there is the possibility of inspiring another.
I’m not sure it’s possible to describe in words how massive the shift is from focusing on ‘what we do’ to ‘how I am in what I do’. Focusing on how I am in what I do, for me means bringing more attention to my body, and to these amazing, delicious qualities that are inside me, so rather than just focusing on the task I am doing, I am also focusing on the quality that I feel inside me, and wow that task gets done with so much more care and attention!
Awesome blog Joel, I have made many deals in the past that have been detrimental to my health and well-being. The greatest and most life-changing deal I have ever made is to be a student of ‘The Way of the Livingness’ a Religion that supports everyone to re-connect to their inner heart and to experience and live what true love and true brotherhood is.
“the ‘how’ often determines the ‘what” a profound observation Joel. When we feel how we are and how we feel as we move it gives a clear message to ask if what we are doing feels true.
The new deal (The Way of the Livingness) is much more honouring of self why do we continue to choose less? Is it for fear of the unknown, which in truth is the all knowing when we are willing to connect to our true feelings and let go of those insidious patterns we have taken on to hide who we really are for the sake of fitting in and/or for recognition or for fear of rejection? The fact is we are not only hiding our true self from others we are more importantly losing out on knowing ourself in full and thus everyone is missing out. For myself at this time, I am still working on learning to express honestly.
Time to tear up the deal.
Thank you Joel and Ryan, “thinking we are doing good’ is not what I consider a healthy choice for my evolution.
Thank you Joel and Jane, many thanks to you both for being great reflections for me as a student of the Livingness.
Sign me up Joel I also will make the deal with the Way of the Livingness to be the truth that is there for me on my path of return.
This a great account of choosing the way of the livingness Joel, I can relate to much of what you have said here. I appreciate your honesty in acknowledging how persistent old patterns can be and the fact that many of them still try to assert themselves in various ways.
So true Joel. There are ways that we are that we have strangely negotiated to be without an awareness of the consequences, the quick fix was taken at the time. For me, The Way Of The Livingness feels like an unravelling of the things I got myself into and ways of being that weren’t me but I took them on. A bit like a character in a play…they needed someone for this role…and I put myself in it. Not anymore, my way has to be true for me.
Thanks Joel, for finding new clauses in the contract is really at the order of the day for me, because the contracts were not questioned for such a long time, and hiding behind Mr. or Mrs. Nice feels like an automatic reflex that has to be overcome like any other addiction. And like any other addiction it is a substitute for being connected with myself. Yes you are right it seems to be a no-brainer, but as we have subscribed the contracts it is a question of becoming aware, self-loving and responsible as a work in progress.
Hey Joel, great article. This resonates with me; I played giving my power away to others, feeling despondent at times, being the provider (for others, but not for myself), and putting a lot of effort into hiding behind Mr Nice. Who does not know someone nice who would not ever say the truth because it can sometimes feel very uncomfortable to the person it is directed to. To be nice is giving away what we feel is true, what can offer a learning and together growing. In holding this what we feel is right back in being just nice, we sell ourselves away to a system that is abusing us along the path. This path is one of delay and comfort and suffer at the end, our body is the one that has to suffer because the ignorance.
The true way of livingness challenges niceness, in a very solid but true and loving way.
Joel, this paragraph stood out for me when reading your blog today – ‘By being ‘the same’ I can hide, by being ‘me’ it sometimes feels like I am very visible in that moment. Even though being visible feels true, real and lovely, the temptation to blend in was, and to a degree still is, very strong.’ I can really relate. Not being me is painful and draining. Being me feels strange because I am used to hiding and not being seen. I feel very uncomfortable being visible, however I am getting used to it. Fear of being judged is one of the things that has held me back.
Joel I LOVE this article, and it is one I will read again and again. I can feel every ounce of the truth you have written here in how we make these contracts when we are young to blend in, and then when we try to come out of them it feels weird and foreign because we have not been the true us for so long. We can perceive that weird feeling as it being ‘wrong’ to come out of our shell, but more and more I am discovering how oppressive that shell really is, and much of a trick it is to try and keep me in there. The Way of the Livingness for me too has been allowing me to feel more of who I am without the shell day by day. It has allowed me to slowly but surely feel like that shell is no longer my home, and step out to being the free me once more, in my own time and by my own choices. Thank you once again for your writing Joel, it is a blessing to read as always.
What your awesome blog has highlighted for me Joel is that although we may sign up for a new contract which is life changing and liberating, there is a humbleness and incredible honesty you share around understanding there is no perfection. Sub-clauses arise, and unpeeling the layers of ‘niceness’ and areas we need to further commit too is simply ongoing. This is so hugely supportive for me to read and all to understand.
That is true, I love the blogs very much, and the learning each time with each blog. Everyone has so much to bring on experiences and stories about not being perfect in what we do but allowing ourselves to feel our own truth by connecting back to our body and soul. This is so endless to write about in each others qualities. Very beautiful.
I liked reading this one Joel… So many great points. I particularly liked this one – “each choice I make connects me to a part of me that feels so amazing, so solid, so true, that making all those choices does not feel like a chore, a sacrifice or a drain. ” even the seemingly chore like chores (housework) doesn’t seem as bad now haha. And this part – “At times I don’t want to feel all the joy that is there to feel because it reminds me of the time I have wasted.” this one is a great one because often I find it hard to look back at choices I’ve made, though as you make different ones its also easier to understand why you did things before hand as well.
I love the blog it presents so beautifully how we all made a contract with the what is not and all the issues we are having is around letting go of this false contract and that we need “to move the focus from what I am doing in each moment, to how I am in each moment. In fact, ‘how I am’ comes before anything I do, and the ‘how’ often determines the ‘what’.” The whole world is about the what and not the how. To change this is a great first step in undoing the contract and committing to the Way of the Livingness.
Aghhhhh the contract! I can’t believe I signed it also. I’m still looking for the orginal copy so I can tear it up. I’m doing my best at rebelling against it, but like you Joel, there are times where I just want to fit in and not stand out. But I know that is only due to so many years of not living the true me, so it can feel uncomfortable to just be that, but I know with more practice I’ll be even better at my own version of myself than any other character I have played until now.
There is so much expectation in the way we are expected to be in our daily lives that it is exhausting trying to meet these expectations. My daily contract is with myself -to bring all me to the world in truth, love ,harmony and joy. I am certainly not there yet but I know by connecting to me and listening to my body I don’t need the expectations and I am enough.
Hear, hear Joel! I, like everyone else, have made lots of contracts in my life to accept comfort, hide etc. However, since coming in contact with Universal Medicine I have been busy tearing up these old contracts and writing a new contract for myself and am growing more confident and radiant as each day passes as I learn to live more of my natural self. I’ve found this is definitely the best ‘deal’ by far!
It seems I have made a contract with the same company, Joel, and the longer I walk the Way of the Livingness the more I feel how deeply entangled I am in this contract. It is a pain to feel that I am the only responsible for saying yes to that contract.
Connecting to your inner essence is not only an amazing feeling it also serves as a positive reflection to others who may also be craving that feeling.
Joel, beautifully expressed and written. I find when I am being all of me that life is wonderfully simple, and when I get caught in the doing, is the time I am fulfilling that contract which in truth is everything I am not.
Joel I love the line about how you still finding clauses in your contract that you didn’t realise you had signed up for as I can so relate to that. I am also discovering that maybe I did sign up for them in my bid to not stand out and just to be part of crowd. Like you lots of contracting breaking happening in my life with the support of all I have embraced through the teachings of Universal Medicine.
Brilliant analogy Joel. I feel I have signed MANY of these contracts, and they seem to keep popping up. I feel the exact same way, about knowing what feels true, and then feeling pulled into overiding that feeling, so that I fit in. So scared, am I too stand out, that I give my power away to make sure I fall under the radar. For what purpose, I do not know. I have experienced people stand up straight and be who they are, and it is refreshing to say the least, a joy to be around and furthermore, inspiring. So why not join that group – in choosing to just be me, rather than conform to a group that I, in fact, don’t fit in to in anyway. The choice is there it seems.
Thanks Joel, great blog. I can so relate to having signed a contract in life to be nice, not express what I am feeling in case someone gets upset and to be a good person. This contract has helped me hide in life but more and more I am accepting that this is a bum deal. I have torn up the contract and allowing myself to live my life from connection to what is inside of me. I am finding when I am connected and expressing from this place I always know what to say or do – this connection is supporting me to have true confidence .
Thank you Joel, your blog is great, I loved it. I can relate to this part so well: ‘putting a lot of effort into hiding behind Mr Nice.’ I have certainly done this myself. Hiding behind Miss Nice and to blend in. I do love being a nice person as in being none aggressive or rude, to be caring, considerate and loving towards people etc, ect. But by hiding behind a facade of how others expect me to be and sometimes seeking recognition from the things that I do seems so wrong because when I feel the recognition coming into my head it feels horrible. So, why and where do these thoughts come from and why do I feel the need to seek recognition from time to time? What I can make of it is that from most of the choices I have made, they have left me feeling flat and don’t allow me to feel the real ‘ME’, because of that I then have the need to elevate myself through recognition. But if I make choices that supports me lovingly to live and express who I am consistently, I wouldn’t feel the need to seek recognition from others or have the need to hide. I am learning every day to be more aware, to build and refine my rhythm to support me to live with truth and love consistently.
I’d been searching for years for something out there in the world – wasn’t sure what but when The Way of The Livingness came into my life the piece of the puzzle I was looking for was found. Constantly looking outside of myself when, all the time the answers were held hidden deep within. Covered with all past choices of me not living in the love that I am. Realising now through each and every self loving choice I bring into my day affects not just myself but everyone around me. A very inspiring blog Joel. Thank you.
Joel I can relate to an “old deal” that I have made in the past now you mention it, I find it very hard to get out of it. My old deal certainly has some of the ‘Mrs Nice’ in it and can’t say ‘no it might hurt some ones feelings’, or ‘I am not really doing anything important’ (just felt like some of my own company) what will they think, if I do say no! So here’s to the New Contract that is more gentle, loving and nurturing of me. Not to be mistaken for selfishness or anti social but just being the true honest me.
I know what you mean Joel. It is weird how we have made a contract to not shake the boat, to not say the king has no clothes on, to agree to be less than we are and stay in the superficial. Why is it so confronting when someone steps out of all that and speaks the truth and expresses their natural joy? Sometimes it seems to be because we don’t want to leave others behind, we want to stay part of the group – but everyone is naturally joyful and if we claim and live this other way of life then it is an invitation for everyone else to also do so – a permission for us all the express the truth we ALL know and come from.
Perfectly said Nicola. Love the way you have wrote it… Without those people willing to rock the boat we’d all be completely lost. Being yourself and telling the emperor he’s not wearing clothes is the inspiration others need to be themself too.
Why is it so confronting when someone speaks the truth? This is such a great question, perhaps because deep down we know for a long time we’ve been ignoring and denying the truth we innately know inside us, and its super uncomfortable to be reminded of this choice we made.
‘I am still finding ‘clauses’ in the contract that I didn’t realise I had signed up for, but regardless of this fact, the ‘Way of the Livingness’ is a new deal I am making with myself.’, I can relate to this Joel, still finding aspects of contracts I have made and how they impact the body on all levels. It is awesome to know that we can also make a new deal with ourselves to be love, live love, express love…
Great insights here Joel, your line here very apt: “At times I don’t want to feel all the joy that is there to feel because it reminds me of the time I have wasted” – so true and comes back to acceptance – of not just what is currently great, but also what has not been great as a result of choices, to land us the position we then arrive at. Through self-love we develop ease with self, to dissolve the pain of judgement which allows us to appreciate that every choice has value, and with this feel the joy in full.
Awesome comment Zofia, what you have shared is very insightful and powerful. Acceptance, appreciation and allow ourselves to feel the joy. Thank you
Wow Joel this blog was beautiful and very inspiring to read. The contract I made with the world was to be nice and to not rock the boat – forever hiding and not being seen. I too have made a new deal as this old contract does not serve me or anyone anymore, my new deal is also The Way of the Livingness – it’s super power-full and truly loving and equally available for us all.
A very powerful blog, again, Joel! I will have a deep look into my contract, that I started to change the rules already a long time ago.My hiding was in a different way than you, and I am sure, some details of the contract still have power over me..To look at it as a contract is very cool, because it shows it is something created, not being actually real.
I agree, if we call it our ‘contract’ we are beginning to take responsibility for the fact we created it and signed it, and so at any moment we can choose to end the contract and choose something different.
I love what you say Joel: “In the past some of these choices became ‘needs’ or ‘demands’ – they became a regime I had to follow. As such, I was adding stress to try to improve well-being. With the ‘Way of the Livingness’, each choice I make connects me to a part of me that feels so amazing, so solid, so true, that making all those choices does not feel like a chore, a sacrifice or a drain. In fact, eight years on and I am more relaxed, I have more energy, time and productivity – yet I am more dedicated to the detail of my life than ever before.” – and it’s the same for me too. I myself did try and make it about rules for a while, but then realised that rules have no part in The Way of the Livingness. There is so much more on offer here: The re-discovery and deeply loving acceptance of my true essence, and everything else follows on simply from that re-connection to that inner source.
I find it quite amazing how many clauses there are in the contract – no wonder I am ‘a forever student’.
Great analogy Joel! Yes it’s a crazy contract you describe about how we agree to play a role in exchange for the supposed safety of ‘fitting in.’
Crazy.
Yes I too am creating a new contract for me in my life – I find some people love my new deal so much they are reconsidering their own contracts and what they have signed up for in a whole new light!
I can remember thinking that if I didn’t conform, my family would be ostracised in some way. This is no way to live a life. Who are these imaginary arbiters of the way I should be? It was an exhausting exercise to second guess the me that might be acceptable. It didn’t work and left me depleted and feeling hollow.
Much smarter and more truthful to gently allow myself to express my truth and for this I have to admit I was inspired by Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon. It took a lot of unravelling of learned ways and deep appraisal of how I had been living. The support of the healing modalities was crucial as it was through the initial healings that I began to feel that I was coming back to myself. So I felt it first, before any other intellectual decision, and the feeling was awesome.
Love what you present here Joel. I too have many sneaky clauses in my outmoded contract that keep me on my toes, but I too say the The Way of the Livingness is my way now.
I can totally relate to what you are saying here Joel about doing a deal with the world to hide and to be accepted. It seemed like a good deal at the time but now I know otherwise. You are right there are many terms and conditions that I did not read properly when I signed it which I am only still just discovering to this day along with the impact that these have on my body.
I can completely relate to your comment Andrew and Joel’s blog. It is so awesome that we can choose to no longer live by the rules of this contract we have created. We can choose to live another way, The Way of the Livingness. A way that is empowering, loving, inspiring, harmonious and unites humanity.
Another awesome blog, Joel. When is your book coming out?
I love your description of the process of getting awareness of the contract we signed, how draining this contract is and the other options we have. This line stood out for me:
‘By being ‘the same’ I can hide, by being ‘me’ it sometimes feels like I am very visible in that moment. Even though being visible feels true, real and lovely, the temptation to blend in was, and to a degree still is, very strong.’
Agree Monika, I am also waiting for the book of all those beautiful sharings on the practicality of The Way of The Livingness! Bring it on Joel!!
Wow Joel taking that deeper level of responsibility really does ask us to develop our own lives but also to look deeper at what contracts we have for ‘not rocking the boat’. The moment we don’t want to rock the boat we squash something inside. It might be something so simple like not telling your sister that she should have asked before taking your coat or bigger like staying out late when you really just want to be in bed! Either way overriding what you want to say to keep the peace keeps us bound in that contract and can affect our psychological and physical Wellbeing.
Another amazing blog that moves us to reflect upon a life lived not dedicated to truly being ourselves in it, when love asks us to be only that… whilst simultaneously inspiring us to commit to live this love for ourselves. Love your work ☺
Joel how familiar this contract of yours is to one I myself signed long ago. It feels timely to read of your contract and to know that like you I have the choice to no longer play nice or to hide, but actually reclaim the truth of who I am. While the tearing up of this contract feels easy, some days it feels I have so many copies of it just lying around to show me that I still have not completely claimed who I am. What I’m starting to see is this is a process the more I choose to live the truth of me, supporting myself with loving choices the less these contracts have any hold. It’s just a matter of taking one moment and choice at a time and treating myself with tender loving care.
Once again a thought provoking sharing Joel. I too feel that I signed up to be the nice person who didn’t rock the boat and always the agreeable one who couldn’t understand why others weren’t as accommodating ( and made a fuss,) wouldn’t life be easier? But NO! I have realised finally that I am not sharing my truth, who I am and what I have to offer the world, my unique piece of the puzzle! I will say that I didn’t just blindly follow others if I strongly felt for instance that smoking or taking drugs and drinking to excess were detrimental to me then I didn’t join in so I did stand up for what was right for myself and what I considered the truth.
A beautiful article Joel and an inspiration to be who we truly are in all that we do. I can certainly relate to hiding behind being ‘Little Miss Nice’ and then ‘Little Mrs Nice’ and knowing that this wasn’t very nice to feel. We don’t read the small print when we sign the contract to try and be what we think others expect from us and how harmful this is and difficult to let go of. So freeing to tear up the contract and just be me and feel the beauty of living in a way that is true.
Wonderful blog Joel. I agree that the choice between being with me and the love that I am, and the contract, is a no-brainer. It can be difficult however to stand out in the group as being ‘different’ and to feel as though you don’t ‘fit in’, and to not “..feel the tug of that contract niggling at me to not buck the system.”
Recently I have torn up a contract I signed long ago. It was I deal a made to play nice with people who show aggressive and abusive behaviours…you know, don’t upset them, tiptoe around, be really nice and maybe they will change!!??
Yeah, well I have finally acknowledged it does not work for me, for them, and for everyone else affected by the behaviour.
It is uncomfortable to playing that nice game. It was a very safe refuge to hide in. To not be nice and not be liked means that I am seen, the real me who is not particularly nice, but gee am I powerful and loving.
There are plenty of clauses and subclauses to work through, but so far this new deal is opening my life to incredible possibilities and a greater love for myself and everyone around me.
For some reason I seem to have more than one copy of a similar deal I too have signed dentistryinharmony, I tear up one and find another (considering investing in a shredder), however meanwhile, each time I stand in me and not the pandering version to make ‘sweet’ for another, the interaction is worlds apart from that superficial realm of ‘niceness’ that actually has no place in real communication.
Well said Giselle, ‘niceness has no real place in real communication’.
I did a similar deal Rachel and yes Giselle there seems to be multiple copies around! Or maybe it is because I did not really tear up the original completely but was only prepared to tear a couple of pages (and dip a toe to see what it might be like to not play the nice hiding game anymore) rather than the whole thing? The problem with nice is it is not honest. It does not truly honour what is happening or what we are all aware of in the moment. Honesty can be blunt and direct sometimes but we all learn from it.
True andrewmooney26, nothing beats the absoluteness of honesty, without it everything feels just not quite right.
I don’t feel I tore up all of my deal either andrewmooney26, but ‘hedged my bets’ so people would still like me. But like is not what I want, I’d rather be trusted for telling the truth.
I agree andrewmooney26. ‘Honesty can be blunt and direct sometimes but we all learn from it.’ I will often feel that urge to be very honest and blunt, but hold back for fear of the reaction I might get. I am learning that I cannot control the reaction of others, and holding back my expression hurts me more than I realise.
You’ve made a great point here dentistryinharmony, that our deal to ‘not’ be ourselves not only affects us individually but all others we are in relationship with while making the deal to be nice, hard working, pleasing etc. And so while we’re all making these deals with ourselves and each other, we keep going around in circles and keep staying in the same trapped cycle of pretending to be something we’re not – crazy! I’m all for making a new deal that is focussed on being myself (to the best of my ability) which offers an opportunity to break this pattern of behaviour and allows others the opportunity to do the same.
I can so relate to this part Rachel, ‘It was a deal I made to play nice with people who show aggressive and abusive behaviours…you know, don’t upset them, tiptoe around, be really nice and maybe they will change!!??’ This is exactly what I have been doing and also sad for me to realised that I didn’t actually stand up to this awful behaviour. I now realise how unloving that is and it doesn’t serve anyone to be nice, to tiptoe around people in fear of rocking the boat because it doesn’t bring awareness or attend to that fact that abusive behaviours are definitely not acceptable. By staying silent and being nice I was in fact agreeing to the abusive behaviour.
I love this Rachel. The ‘nice’ deal is the complete anti-thesis to true love and harmony. As you clearly depict, the ‘niceness’ allows abuse to go on unreckoned, and what effect is that having on everyone else? Stepping out of the ‘nice’ bubble can indeed ruffle feathers, but that may indeed be what is needed in that moment to be truly loving to that person, and therefore the whole of humanity also. We need to support ourselves to break these contracts we have made that are not in true love. My new contract is equal true love for all, whatever that entails, so let’s see and get rid of all the others that now become null and void!
That is super cool – what better contract to tear up than the contract of being nice to others. It feels so much better to be true, even if at times this can feel uncomfortable, like you say, niceness is a safety net that we can for sure live without.
Mmm, I get that too Joel, the thought that it’s hard to go against the crowd sometimes. Which, really it’s not.. But I have found that I have still bought into that contract which had a clause that means I still like to fit in at times. Doesn’t make sense to me sometimes because what I’m trying to fit into doesn’t nearly feel as lovely as how I feel being myself..
So honest and profound, Joel. What stuns me is, the more honestly we express – how similar our experiences all are. We might not be that different to each other in the end…
Yea wow, great point felixschumacher8.. It might just take that one person to spark the rest too.
I love the ‘symbolism’ of the contract and the exposing of the fine print as you unfolded who you truly are. What a blessing for those around you that are still choosing to hide but deep down wanting to step out of the the way of being they have locked into. Well contracts are being broken all the time and your ‘New Deal’ is the deal breaker. Great blog Joel, let your light shine and many others will then be able to see more clearly the way to go.
Beautifully expressed Joel, you have a way of articulating exactly what is going on with great clarity. I too have made a contract that was a bum deal, and my goodness, the many clauses in it are still being revealed. Hiding is a game that serves who?
I feel like I have had all these behaviours of hiding, blending in and doing what everyone else wanted to do where the ‘real me’ didn’t actually want to – I wonder if it might be possible that “everyone” could actually be feeling like I was/am – i.e. not actually wanting to do what “everyone” was doing. If so, who/what are we actually trying to be like ?
Mr NIce, Mr Blend in, and the I just want to hide and be like everyone else of Mr Same, has a very attractive but empty pull. In contrast, Mr I am being my true myself is far more real, honest, joyful and powerful than any of those other aliases. This analogy also obviously applies to women in exactly the same sense….Great blog Joel.
Joel you wrote: “The way of the Livingness asked for me to pay attention to the choices I was making and the effect they had on me. Over time, I noticed it made a difference when I slept . . . ” It is wunderbar that you offer this important choice to the world and I am curious if the world is curious to find out for themselves too.
Going with the majority is definitely a bum deal as you have shared Joel I have experienced many a time where I felt to do the opposite of ‘what is expected’ as per the instruction of whatever I have adopted or signed up to from outside of me. Going with my feelings is a gradual building process but when I do I don’t feel as drained or flustered or emotional as I would from fighting myself. I am also finding that this new contract can be super simple if applied to my life as it has been shared from Universal Medicine, any other way is just the reems of small print that the old contract has.
Such a recognisable thing this contract of yours, and as I am building on choosing the things I actually am I realise how hard it seems to let go of this contract. But actually it is not that hard and a joy to let go.
Joel, thanks for your insightful blog that has made me aware of the many contracts I have made with myself to stay small and unnoticed. “..at some point I needed to move the focus from what I am doing in each moment, to how I am in each moment.” This sentence stood out for me. This is something I am currently working on. Before I would just be glad to get lots of things done from my to-do list. Never mind that I was doing it in anxiousness, anger, resentment, rushing or a myriad of other emotions. Now I can feel the difference in doing the same things in connection to my body and how it feels. One of my new contracts is about staying present in the moment. It has changed how I view time and helped me deal with my anxiousness.
Great realizations Joel, I can so relate to signing up to deals that cause me to give my power away, my hiding was through silence,the Mrs Nice/good roles. Which does not work in the long run and it showed in my life as a deep lacking.
I love this analogy Joel, I can feel that I too have signed many different contracts for different areas or people in my life – feels exhausting just trying to keep on top of all of them! Yet at times when I go into a role/contract it seems easier, like the path of least resistance, but in the long run I can feel that working on just being me is the best way forward – less exhausting, and I get to be me!!
Great blog Joel, so much insight you have offered. I have certainly paid my dues with this contract that I made long ago. Having a sense of who I am yet not knowing how to trust and live this, left me feeling like I was always selling myself short. Well in fact I was. I was living in hiding, hiding the truth, the love, the wisdom, the grace and the power that I naturally am when I connect to the stillness within me. And instead I was trying to measure myself from everything that I was doing, all the while overriding my feelings and sense of what I truly felt. Through being a student of The Way of the Livingness I have discovered a way to develop my connection to me and to trust what I feel. From here I have been able to make loving choices that support this relationship with myself as I live, work and connect with the world. A way that I love developing as I continue to explore how much more of me there is to live and share every day. I love what you say here as this feel true for me too – ‘I am still finding ‘clauses’ in the contract that I didn’t realise I had signed up for, but regardless of this fact, the ‘Way of the Livingness’ is a new deal I am making with myself.’
“I am also a student of the Way of the Livingness and can say that the ‘me’ I am re-discovering is, without a question, the real me. In fact, it is that part of me I have wanted to connect to for most of my life.” This was the case for me, I had been wanting to connect with and get to know me and not feel so separate and disengaged from life. The Way of the Livingness, living the real me and learning, is the change that took place which means I do not feel separate anymore, I am connected. Your blog, holds the reader with such tenderness, care and joy of life, thank you for sharing.
Letting people in is a great part for me with the new deal. And also to make consequent choices, which is not always easy, because I am breaking the rules of the ‘old deal’.
To love and not be attached to love, is also in the contract I gladly made with myself.
Not easy, but worth the work.
All my life was about trying to connect to others and being frustrated and hurt in that front so I retrenched inside me. Given that I have not given any major consideration to establish and deepen a relationship with myself, I became merely a refuge for myself, a refuge where I could create my own world (so to speak). A world where no one could access. A world without appreciation and self-worth. Renouncing such a way of living has not been easy. For me this entailed changing my relationship with me and with others. Although this is work in progress, I am writing a new deal with myself (and others).
I love the way you have expressed here Joel, I too am a student of ” The Way of Liivngness” and am committed to keep undoing those clauses that have pushed me down for most of my life. I now enjoy more love in my life and relationships than ever before as a result of it. Thank you!
“At times I don’t want to feel all the joy that is there to feel because it reminds me of the time I have wasted.”
This is such an important and absurd concept to bring to the table Joel. I can very much relate to having fear, dread and resistance at the prospect of having to feel the hurt of not having been choosing love and joy, once I remember what it feels like and feel the contrast of how horrible it feels to live without it…but all my evading is only a delay and I can say it is worth every tear to face and feel the Joy that is just waiting there to be lived…and I can say this when I am of yet, only having glimpses of the lovely joy that live inside me!
I can relate to this blog in so many ways. What I am finding is that giving myself a hard time for agreeing to override my feelings is in fact overriding the feeling that I don’t have to give myself a hard time at all.
It sounds crazy but it is a reality I am learning to accept as well as accepting the realitly that my feelings have never left me. The more I choose to be gentle with, feel and appreciate myself just as I am, I have felt those moments of craziness becoming less in length.
What a great analogy. I too lived to the rules of the contract I made with life, not to stand out, speak truth or shine. Conform, play the game don’t let others see your grandness for fear they may realise the greatness in them. It seems this contract we have with life is set up to keep us small, mistrusting, hurting and blaming, abdicating responsibility and trapped in a life where we are only a part of who we really are. 10 years ago I began crossing out clauses in my contract that I was no longer going to play ball with and now I have created a new way to life inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine to connect to the real me and the greatness within. The only contract I live to now is the one I have with my soul.
I am really noticing lately how I do things. And you put it so clearly here in your sentence – “This means at some point I needed to move the focus from what I am doing in each moment, to how I am in each moment. In fact, ‘how I am’ comes before anything I do, and the ‘how’ often determines the ‘what’.” Thanks Joel, great blog.
A great blog Joel. It’s like ‘one can’t see one’s own nose’ – what you have written is so obvious but until it is nominated, expressed, it is not acknowledged, at least by me. And the difference between ‘what I am doing’ and ‘how I am’ is huge.
Joel, great blog. Yes I’ve definitely signed a contract, to hide and yet increasingly I’m now stepping out and being more real, less affected (that contract produced a very false me), and honestly so much more fun and easy to be around. The thing is I didn’t read the small print when I signed and actually the idea that hiding would make things better has turned out to be untrue, so now it’s a case of ignore that contract, and let’s be true, let’s be real. And you know the surprising thing most people are fine with it, they love it as it gives them the remit to be themselves too; the most reaction I’ve had has been from people close to me, where we’ve colluded with each other to both sign similar contracts to hide and now they’re annoyed to see there is another way, an ouch for me as my hiding has enabled another to do the same. So we actually contribute to the rot we see in the world by hiding from it – nothing changes until we’re all us, truly.
I have been “doing” for so long, that when i hear that all i need to do is “be” me, i ask, well what do i need to “do”? i have found that being around children is a good way to remember what it is like to just be. I have to remember that i do not have give them anything just allow them to be themselves. Thank you Serge Benhayon for supporting me in being myself.
Top blog Joel, I think we signed the same contract. And like you, I still find the occasional clause that puts its head above the parapet but because I started to crawl my way out of ‘my contract’ and started to be the ‘real me’, when these clauses show themselves they don’t have the same power over me and I can deal with them so much easier.
Another really amazing blog from you Joel and I love the bit about you saying you moved your focus from what you are doing in each moment to how you are. That is huge in itself and confirms to me that the doing is not it but the quality of your being is. Being the real you is what really matters. The Way of the Livingness for me is now a true way to live everyday and I live a self connecting life to the best of my ability and what I mean by that is I make choices everyday to stay true to myself and not harm myself or accept harm which may come to me from others. Learning to say No to anything that does not feel true for me has been huge. The main thing is I do not do ‘nice and polite’ instead I do real and more and more people have said to me its like ‘fresh air’ being around me as I just say it as it is and don’t hold back what I feel. My body feels free and spacious inside and I no longer feel empty or needy.
As Bina says she does not do “nice and polite”, she does real and honest. I know from experience that this comes from her love for herself and for humanity and so is delivered with love which makes it possible to hear and consider what she has to say even when it is not what I want to hear; not the “nice keep you feeling OK thing”.
I learn SO much in light of this honesty and I am less and less comfortable with the surface niceness all the time as it is not showing what is underneath, be it from me or another person.
Thank you Joel for expressing so beautifully the contract that I have been signed up to for most of my life. I love your last sentence which explains why this is still an ongoing process of unravelling for me ‘I am still finding ‘clauses’ in the contract that I didn’t realise I had signed up for, but regardless of this fact, the ‘Way of the Livingness’ is a new deal I am making with myself.’
Thank you Joel for sharing so beautifully and simply your new way “The way of The Livingness” very inspiring.
Hi Joel, I really love your article and can relate to what you have said because for much of my life I have been trying to figure out the rules of how to live, to blend in, to be accepted. But I always seemed to be one step behind, never quite getting it right. I realise now that none of that was me just being myself, so of course it was never going to work or feel true.
Hi Joel. I loved reading your blog. I agree, it is exhausting living up to expectations and trying to fit in.
Hear hear Ariana, bring it on!
Great article Joel thank you. I can relate to this – being nice, not wanting to be seen, trying to fit in and more… and too have now chosen The Way Of The Livingness and like Jane it has had a profound effect on my life.
Awesome Joel. I love the honesty with which you write and it is most inspirational to hear you express. Thank you. There is much here to ponder on and re-read.
Awesome Joel, I love how you spoke about what energy you are in when you choose to do loving things for yourself. I have recently discovered that you can ‘perform’ loving tasks from emptiness, and not truly in an energy that is you simply confirming you – the real you. This was a beautiful way of putting it – thank you!
As always, Joel, true joy in reading your reflections on The Livingness. Thank you and please keep writing. You express it so beautifully that it helps the rest of us focus on what we know but haven’t given words to.
I also signed a similar contract – it is amazing the roles we sign up for even though as a child we clearly state “when I grow up I am not going to be like that”. Thanks Joel.
Awesome Joel. I really enjoyed reading this.
Thanks Joel – I am enjoying the reflections and confirmations from your heart-felt writing.
Great analogy Joel, I am wondering what the small print in the termination clause says. Or perhaps more accurately, if the termination clause was intentionally omitted.
Hi Joel – Yep, I can feel I had made a contract long ago to only give so much, to blend in, to not make waves, to hide. How crazy is that when it is so much easier to just be all of me without a measuring cup in one hand deciding how much to give. Thank you Joel for putting into words what I have been realising about myself.
This is great Joel. Thank you for expressing this so clearly and simply.
Thank you Joel – it’s lovely to read about other people’s stories that feel so relative in ways to my own.
This is a brilliant and incredibly clear exposé of that contract we have all made to ‘contract’. In your use of words such as ‘deal’ it so well highlights the sinister nature of the grip of the force to not be the truth we already know we are. The words ‘contract’ and ‘deal’ also highlight the simple fact of freewill. Do we allow what we really feel (‘I’m not that into sports’) or do we make the deal with Mr Nice Guy – a choice I am constantly faced with.
This amazing piece of writing feels like a ‘brother’ piece to Rebekah’s also amazing blog yesterday. Thank you!
Thank you Joel.
Hi Joel, I love the way you wrote this… it makes a lot of sense. Thank you. Enjoy your new deal!
Great point made Joel about making a shift from what you do in your life to how you are being in your life. How we are being with ourselves and others allows us to slow down and look at what is going on and why, rather than continuously pushing to do things regardless of where we are at.