Depression, Worthlessness & the Truth about God

SUFFERING WITH DEPRESSION

At the age of 20 I was suffering with depression. Life seemed very dark and my thoughts were not helpful: on reflection I had withdrawn from life. It was a time when I had my first ‘semi-serious’ relationship with a woman. Far from being a joyful experience, the relationship was part of the problem.

If I am honest, I have probably been living with depression for much of my life but have learned to cope with it by using various techniques, distractions, alternative thinking strategies and to a degree, in some sense at least, I dragged myself out of it.

ATTENDING CHURCH… FEELING WORTHLESS

In dealing with the depression, one of the things I learned to do was to look at my belief systems. What had I learned to believe and in particular, what had I learned to believe about myself? This reflective practice took me back specifically to the religious belief systems I was raised with and to my youth, when as a family we attended an Anglican church every Sunday. I began to get a sense of what messages I had taken on from being in church and became aware of one line from the service that the whole congregation repeated together every week. It was this:

“I am not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs from under Thy table.”

This one line from the church service summed up how I felt about myself – feeling worthless – a rotten sinner who needed to spend his whole life being sorry for existing and paying the price for his awfulness.

Looking back I am now aware that there was always a sense of inner conflict when I attended church as a child, and then later even when I stopped attending church as a teenager. I didn’t pay much attention to it then because I trusted that the Anglican church was the authority and my parents were clearly supportive of the Anglican teachings. But even more so, who was I to question? I ‘knew’ in feeling worthless that I was an awful person so couldn’t trust myself and I just had to place my faith in those outside me.

If I had paid more attention to the inner conflict I might have acknowledged the feeling that a truly loving God would not wish his children to live life feeling worthless. I might have actually dared to question whether this was a true reflection of God.

TRUSTING MY TRUE FEELINGS… THE TRUTH ABOUT GOD

Clearly there was a part of me that felt that the truth about God was not what was being expressed in church. I recall one day talking to an ‘undercover’ priest at a health club. I say ‘undercover’ because he presented as one of the regular staff but in truth was there as a ‘spiritual counsellor’ of sorts. We had a very interesting conversation for about an hour until I expressed my sense that the heart was the centre of the Truth about God in the body, not the head. He ‘corrected’ me, but then when I persisted he practically jumped off the chair and hid behind it as if I was the devil incarnate!

The truth was and is, that in my heart I know that God does not want us feeling worthless or to suffer and spend our lives paying for our sins. He is a loving Father who invites us to join him with open arms. There is no judgement of us. We all know that a truly loving being does not castigate his children. He may lovingly guide them but not punish – not cast them out. This is what I felt from a very young age but disavowed my feelings because everything around me appeared to say it is not so and not only that, there was a feeling that it was wrong and maybe even evil to listen to such feelings.

Being older and hopefully wiser now, I can say that my true feelings were not wrong or evil. In fact I can say that now I know and trust my true, innermost feelings do not lie to me – it is my thoughts and emotions that can lie. My true feelings tell me that far from wanting us to feel worthless and scramble under the table begging for scraps, our true loving Father invites us to take a place at the table with Him. He might be more likely to say, “Come and sit at the table with Me!”

This new awareness – the truth about God – makes much more sense to me.

That a truly loving God is within us all and knows us to be His equal sons. For me, this is one of the true messages of the Master Jesus. He did not come to ‘big himself up’ as the one true son, but to show us that we are all the Sons of God equally so. We only need to realise ourselves as a son of God so as to take full responsibility for ourselves and stop relying on others to save us. It is said that the Master Jesus thought it not robbery to be equal with God. We therefore need to realise and then trust our own Divine nature in order to truly connect with Him. On an energetic level this makes perfect sense. The only way to know God is to claim who you are to be one with Him.

I am able to come to this realisation in my life today, and am no longer suffering from depression and feeling worthless, due in no small part to the loving expression and teachings of the Ageless Wisdom through Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Serge Benhayon is a man of extraordinary integrity who has never shied away from expressing the truth about God, and the fact that we are all equal sons of God, and I for one now know it is absolute truth and that it makes absolute sense!

By Richard Mills, UK

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517 thoughts on “Depression, Worthlessness & the Truth about God

  1. I hadn’t realised that I too could feel the worthlessness of the teaching that we are not worthy to eat the crumbs off his table till you wrote it here and I could feel the response in my body. If we don’t question all the time what we have taken as our normal, we will never free ourselves from some of the biggest caps we put on our own lives.

  2. We only have to look at ourselves as parents, and know that we would want to treat our children in the most loving way possible, so how could we accept and believe that God who is infinite love not treat us with the utmost love as worthy sons who are invited to “Come sit at the table with me. “

    1. Absolutely so Jill. This abhorrent image of God we have created as an angry and vengeful being has utterly undermined our awareness of his abundant love. Thankfully along with infinite love he also has infinite patience…our place at the table awaits us all equally.

  3. The fact that you were depressed and the church in no way supported you to truly come out of it and embrace the gorgeous man you truly are exposes how love-less it truly is. This may sound a bit harsh but it is the truth.

  4. When we see ourselves as lesser as a child and religion continues to confirm that, it is no surprise that depression and worthlessness sets in, true religion never makes another feel lesser, always equal and always humbled by the love we are.

  5. It’s interesting that you looked for religion but you just looked outwards instead of inwards – the direction we place our focus in is everything.

    1. Wise teachers have been telling us for eons ‘The Kingdom of God is Within You’. Perhaps we should take them more literally.

  6. I don’t want to repeat that line you had to say at congregation but what an effective way to create underdog followers. And who wouldn’t in the end get depressed affirming these messages into their mind?

  7. I grew up with a very similar relationship with the church, God and religion, which never really made sense to what I could feel: there was a mismatch that like you, I chose to not pay much attention to. What I am discovering now is that religion i.e having a relationship with the innermost part of ourselves, our soul, is so much broader and richer than I’d ever considered it to be. It is expansive and limitless and our relationship with it changes how we relate to everything else.

  8. ‘I ‘knew’ in feeling worthless that I was an awful person so couldn’t trust myself and I just had to place my faith in those outside me.’ Very interesting and awful to read at the same time. How do you keep someone away from the divine power that is innate, make them feel worthless without any trust in themselves and they will follow you as sheeps.

  9. If we are Divine and we are depressed or feel worthless, wouldn’t that be simply a misinterpretation of who we are?

    1. There is a lovely simplicity in what you share here Christoph. If we are naturally Divine, then anything that is not Divine is not us. The question then arises – what do we do about what is not us? Observe it perhaps, and allow it to fade away.

  10. Today I feel that God constantly ‘communicates’ his love for us and holds us in his ‘loving embrace’. This understanding of God is much more true to the awareness of him as our truly loving Father.

  11. Being bought up a Catholic I never felt comfortable with the dogma of this religion, I could not understand why it was constantly being drummed into us that we were sinners. Stepping away from this religion when I was old enough was the most empowering and loving choice I ever made, and now discovering a true religion – The Way of the Livingness has bought a deeper understanding and simplicity to my life and to all my relationships.

    1. ‘The Way of The Livingness’ is the way I always wanted religion to be. It does not shy away from the difficult questions, it embraces the loving essence of every one of us, no matter who we are or where we come from and understands that in that essence we are all equally loved by God and are love ourselves.

      1. Yes, The Way of the Livingness has offered a freedom to explore without doctrine but through the relationship with our body and letting that body lead the way. When the cells of our body are aligned to the essence of what we are made of there is a natural pull to truth and honesty.

  12. This makes me realise how we are all basically acting out this worthlessness to have the world as it is now – some use it to withdraw, some use it to push and drive – in all kinds of ways and intensity. If we all knew who we truly were, and there was no such thing as worthlessness, the world would be a completely different place.

  13. I have read this blog before but even on the second reading I got a shock and sick feeling reading this line: “I am not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs from under Thy table” – it is such an awful thing to say to anyone let alone a child it is really sad. It is not only deeply harmful for those who take it in but equally for those who say it and what it must do to them. We know that God is love and love would never speak like that so who is saying it and why?

    1. I agree Nicola, I have read this blog before and yet that line really struck me this time round. I feel there is a ‘I am better than you’ feeling, it feels reminiscent of supremacist energy that says ‘don’t you dare question what I am saying’. I do not believe God, when God is Love, would ask us not to question or tell us we are less.

  14. “But even more so, who was I to question?” What a curse it is put upon children to not support them to question.

      1. I don’t feel the word worth even comes into it in terms of our unfathomable Divinity!

      2. Yes Nicola, worth is a relative term that does not make sense in an ‘unfathomable’ Oneness.

    1. We are free to consider what we are being told as truth but are then in trouble if it is not true.

  15. Giving up on life may be labeled differently according to the situations. An extreme case is depression. In that case, we do not even try. Our body does not allow us to do so. In other cases, giving up may not have an obvious physical outplay, when for example we have given up on asking life more than asking it to move freely in the jail we have chosen for ourselves.

  16. We are super sensitive beings that can feel everything. Being honest and paying attention to the tension we feel as children in church or as adults in every day life we get to call out what is going on for us. We get to know ourselves, who we truly are and also what we allow to enter that is not who we are becomes much more obvious and clear.

  17. I can relate well to the inner-conflict you share, Richard, as I’m sure many people do as children innately know the truth and are confused when everything around them seems to say the opposite.

  18. It is pure evil to teach someone that their inner feelings are not true. Whilst what we can feel can come from our spirit and hence not be true, we also have feelings that come from our soul and these are always true and never ever should be denied.

  19. An inspiring blog Richard. I can relate to much of what you write of childhood and that sense of being unworthy in the eyes of God from the instilled ideals and beliefs, to the choice to take the steps along the Path of Return, home to the truth of God, since attending Universal Medicine presentations.

  20. It is very interesting that adopting false ideals and beliefs in our life can make us feel depressed and that it is not just something that comes over us but something we can change by disregarding these false beliefs we took on. There is nothing more revitalising than hearing the truth.

  21. There is nothing that makes sense about being worthless in order to reach God; it makes no sense and yet is’ prevalent in so many of our religions … which begs the questions are many of our religions true in what they propagate and present … for why would a loving God want those around them to be less?

    1. Well said Monicag2. I wonder if this is why so many who believe in such religions put walls up when they are questioned – because if you truly look at it, it doesn’t stack up.

      1. The only way it would stack up, is if we or someone else gets something out of us being less that the magnificence that we naturally are if not interfered with.

  22. I can so relate to what you have shared Richard, I grew up in the catholic religion and felt this unworthiness you speak of throughout most of my life. Since now coming to know the truth that God lives within me, and that I am worthy of his love, my life has changed so much. I love the recent song by Michael, (and sing it often) that invites us with the words “come sit at his table”. We are worthy of God’s love just as we are.

    1. It’s a good question Michael. He would have to be a pretty messed-up deity wouldn’t he. It seems to me that anything that comes from God would be ‘of his nature’ – perhaps this is the truth of what ‘made in his image’ means. I conclude that he is not ‘to blame’ for our choices. We are however, responsible for them.

      1. Spot on Richard. To ‘blame’ God for the mess in the world or to say one has been abandoned by him is just an excuse to not take responsibility for and acknowledge the consequences of our poor and harmful choices.

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