SUFFERING WITH DEPRESSION
At the age of 20 I was suffering with depression. Life seemed very dark and my thoughts were not helpful: on reflection I had withdrawn from life. It was a time when I had my first ‘semi-serious’ relationship with a woman. Far from being a joyful experience, the relationship was part of the problem.
If I am honest, I have probably been living with depression for much of my life but have learned to cope with it by using various techniques, distractions, alternative thinking strategies and to a degree, in some sense at least, I dragged myself out of it.
ATTENDING CHURCH… FEELING WORTHLESS
In dealing with the depression, one of the things I learned to do was to look at my belief systems. What had I learned to believe and in particular, what had I learned to believe about myself? This reflective practice took me back specifically to the religious belief systems I was raised with and to my youth, when as a family we attended an Anglican church every Sunday. I began to get a sense of what messages I had taken on from being in church and became aware of one line from the service that the whole congregation repeated together every week. It was this:
“I am not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs from under Thy table.”
This one line from the church service summed up how I felt about myself – feeling worthless – a rotten sinner who needed to spend his whole life being sorry for existing and paying the price for his awfulness.
Looking back I am now aware that there was always a sense of inner conflict when I attended church as a child, and then later even when I stopped attending church as a teenager. I didn’t pay much attention to it then because I trusted that the Anglican church was the authority and my parents were clearly supportive of the Anglican teachings. But even more so, who was I to question? I ‘knew’ in feeling worthless that I was an awful person so couldn’t trust myself and I just had to place my faith in those outside me.
If I had paid more attention to the inner conflict I might have acknowledged the feeling that a truly loving God would not wish his children to live life feeling worthless. I might have actually dared to question whether this was a true reflection of God.
TRUSTING MY TRUE FEELINGS… THE TRUTH ABOUT GOD
Clearly there was a part of me that felt that the truth about God was not what was being expressed in church. I recall one day talking to an ‘undercover’ priest at a health club. I say ‘undercover’ because he presented as one of the regular staff but in truth was there as a ‘spiritual counsellor’ of sorts. We had a very interesting conversation for about an hour until I expressed my sense that the heart was the centre of the Truth about God in the body, not the head. He ‘corrected’ me, but then when I persisted he practically jumped off the chair and hid behind it as if I was the devil incarnate!
The truth was and is, that in my heart I know that God does not want us feeling worthless or to suffer and spend our lives paying for our sins. He is a loving Father who invites us to join him with open arms. There is no judgement of us. We all know that a truly loving being does not castigate his children. He may lovingly guide them but not punish – not cast them out. This is what I felt from a very young age but disavowed my feelings because everything around me appeared to say it is not so and not only that, there was a feeling that it was wrong and maybe even evil to listen to such feelings.
Being older and hopefully wiser now, I can say that my true feelings were not wrong or evil. In fact I can say that now I know and trust my true, innermost feelings do not lie to me – it is my thoughts and emotions that can lie. My true feelings tell me that far from wanting us to feel worthless and scramble under the table begging for scraps, our true loving Father invites us to take a place at the table with Him. He might be more likely to say, “Come and sit at the table with Me!”
This new awareness – the truth about God – makes much more sense to me.
That a truly loving God is within us all and knows us to be His equal sons. For me, this is one of the true messages of the Master Jesus. He did not come to ‘big himself up’ as the one true son, but to show us that we are all the Sons of God equally so. We only need to realise ourselves as a son of God so as to take full responsibility for ourselves and stop relying on others to save us. It is said that the Master Jesus thought it not robbery to be equal with God. We therefore need to realise and then trust our own Divine nature in order to truly connect with Him. On an energetic level this makes perfect sense. The only way to know God is to claim who you are to be one with Him.
I am able to come to this realisation in my life today, and am no longer suffering from depression and feeling worthless, due in no small part to the loving expression and teachings of the Ageless Wisdom through Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Serge Benhayon is a man of extraordinary integrity who has never shied away from expressing the truth about God, and the fact that we are all equal sons of God, and I for one now know it is absolute truth and that it makes absolute sense!
By Richard Mills, UK
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