Depression, Worthlessness & the Truth about God

SUFFERING WITH DEPRESSION

At the age of 20 I was suffering with depression. Life seemed very dark and my thoughts were not helpful: on reflection I had withdrawn from life. It was a time when I had my first ‘semi-serious’ relationship with a woman. Far from being a joyful experience, the relationship was part of the problem.

If I am honest, I have probably been living with depression for much of my life but have learned to cope with it by using various techniques, distractions, alternative thinking strategies and to a degree, in some sense at least, I dragged myself out of it.

ATTENDING CHURCH… FEELING WORTHLESS

In dealing with the depression, one of the things I learned to do was to look at my belief systems. What had I learned to believe and in particular, what had I learned to believe about myself? This reflective practice took me back specifically to the religious belief systems I was raised with and to my youth, when as a family we attended an Anglican church every Sunday. I began to get a sense of what messages I had taken on from being in church and became aware of one line from the service that the whole congregation repeated together every week. It was this:

“I am not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs from under Thy table.”

This one line from the church service summed up how I felt about myself – feeling worthless – a rotten sinner who needed to spend his whole life being sorry for existing and paying the price for his awfulness.

Looking back I am now aware that there was always a sense of inner conflict when I attended church as a child, and then later even when I stopped attending church as a teenager. I didn’t pay much attention to it then because I trusted that the Anglican church was the authority and my parents were clearly supportive of the Anglican teachings. But even more so, who was I to question? I ‘knew’ in feeling worthless that I was an awful person so couldn’t trust myself and I just had to place my faith in those outside me.

If I had paid more attention to the inner conflict I might have acknowledged the feeling that a truly loving God would not wish his children to live life feeling worthless. I might have actually dared to question whether this was a true reflection of God.

TRUSTING MY TRUE FEELINGS… THE TRUTH ABOUT GOD

Clearly there was a part of me that felt that the truth about God was not what was being expressed in church. I recall one day talking to an ‘undercover’ priest at a health club. I say ‘undercover’ because he presented as one of the regular staff but in truth was there as a ‘spiritual counsellor’ of sorts. We had a very interesting conversation for about an hour until I expressed my sense that the heart was the centre of the Truth about God in the body, not the head. He ‘corrected’ me, but then when I persisted he practically jumped off the chair and hid behind it as if I was the devil incarnate!

The truth was and is, that in my heart I know that God does not want us feeling worthless or to suffer and spend our lives paying for our sins. He is a loving Father who invites us to join him with open arms. There is no judgement of us. We all know that a truly loving being does not castigate his children. He may lovingly guide them but not punish – not cast them out. This is what I felt from a very young age but disavowed my feelings because everything around me appeared to say it is not so and not only that, there was a feeling that it was wrong and maybe even evil to listen to such feelings.

Being older and hopefully wiser now, I can say that my true feelings were not wrong or evil. In fact I can say that now I know and trust my true, innermost feelings do not lie to me – it is my thoughts and emotions that can lie. My true feelings tell me that far from wanting us to feel worthless and scramble under the table begging for scraps, our true loving Father invites us to take a place at the table with Him. He might be more likely to say, “Come and sit at the table with Me!”

This new awareness – the truth about God – makes much more sense to me.

That a truly loving God is within us all and knows us to be His equal sons. For me, this is one of the true messages of the Master Jesus. He did not come to ‘big himself up’ as the one true son, but to show us that we are all the Sons of God equally so. We only need to realise ourselves as a son of God so as to take full responsibility for ourselves and stop relying on others to save us. It is said that the Master Jesus thought it not robbery to be equal with God. We therefore need to realise and then trust our own Divine nature in order to truly connect with Him. On an energetic level this makes perfect sense. The only way to know God is to claim who you are to be one with Him.

I am able to come to this realisation in my life today, and am no longer suffering from depression and feeling worthless, due in no small part to the loving expression and teachings of the Ageless Wisdom through Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Serge Benhayon is a man of extraordinary integrity who has never shied away from expressing the truth about God, and the fact that we are all equal sons of God, and I for one now know it is absolute truth and that it makes absolute sense!

By Richard Mills, UK

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445 thoughts on “Depression, Worthlessness & the Truth about God

  1. For as long as we hold onto ideals, beliefs, pictures and investments we are denying and delaying the fact that we are a son of God and it is our responsibility to cast away that which is not who we truly are.

  2. I have witnessed enough with my own children as a parent to know that being superior or judging them never works in terms of bringing them back but only pushes them further away, so I know that this is not true love to do so. So why would God be any different in his love for all of us?

    1. Brilliant question Andrew. I also see how judging children seeps into any openings they may have of lack of self worth, self loathing or feelings of rejection… and it just confirms the already warped perceived image of themselves….. much like what the main world religions do to their congregations.

  3. By knowing that we are one with God supports us on our journey through life to share the Divine qualities we were born with. It would be truly beneficial if, from a very young age, children were taught this truth, the truth of who they are and where they come from. If this were the case, life in our world would be very different from the angst that most of us live with today through no knowing or doubting who we are.

  4. I have just realised the connection between de-pression (as in to press, put down, be depressed) which is an inward movement ie. from the outside in, and ex-pression which is and outward movement from the inside out. They are opposites, so in order to heal from de-pression we need to choose ex-pression.
    Thank You Richard, deeply so.

    1. I love your explanation of depression here Lucy, it makes so much sense and it is exactly what happens, it is a constant pressing down, pressing down/holding back what wants to be expressed, what lives within us.

    2. This understanding has been vital to my relationship with depression. I am certain that shutting down my expression was a major factor in becoming depressed in the first place. Today, learning to be ever more self-expressed is truly a joyful experience and I know for a fact that there is a relationship between the expression of truth and connecting with the joy that is innate within us.

      1. Beautifully expressed Richard, your ability to express truth is deeply healing for us all. When we choose not to express we can always feel the tension in our entire body, and one of the things that hurts us the most is holding back expressing truth, and the sadness of this choice can be debilitating which is compounded by continuously holding our true expression back.

    3. Beautifully said Lucy, the key to getting out of depression is right there in the word expression, something to take forward certainly, and has a wonderful simplicity to go with it.

    4. Thank you, Lucy, that is a great way to look at de-pression and ex-pression, letting the love, truth and joy of who we are out, or pressing the true self down and holding it in. We are vehicles of expression meant to express.

  5. It is palpable that you have always had a deep relationship with God. And you bring poignantly to the fore what happens if we do not express what we feel. It shows how much any institution with its rules and regulations restricts us in our true expression.

  6. Very beautiful account thank you Richard, re-claiming what we know is true within us is such an important step in restoring something in ourselves that is endlessly supportive and strengthening in life. We would never associate depression with a lack of connection to that part of ourselves, and hence to God… but you show here exactly how that connection makes perfect sense.

  7. It is a crime that we are made to believe that we are not worthy and are sinners. How could this even possibly be said when we look at a new born baby, they are so very precious, and this preciousness can never be taken away from us but we have allowed a system that grinds us down in our self worth from day one forming us into something that we are not.

  8. I just reread this for the first time in a while – and it brought me to tears. Tears that reflect the truth of the love that God holds us all in, the complete absence of judgment in Him and the place at the table waiting for us to claim it. If we truly want to live harmonious and love-filled lives, we have to start honouring our feelings once more, feelings that we knew as a child were true – not emotions – just the purity of our feelings.

  9. A non-specific sense of Guilt, shame, and worthlessness has indeed permeated society in a huge way. I was in a singing workshop looking at my facial expression and feeling the purity and innocence in my face when I recognised the crippling force that “being a sinner” had held over me by my buying into it. My heart and my essence is pure and untouched, that is the truth, and everything else is just illusion piled around that truth deep inside me. Needless to say such recognition was very healing for me.

    1. ‘Crippling’ is a good description Shirley-Ann. I too have felt paralysed at times by this sense of worthlessness.

  10. Richard, thank you for this amazing, amazing blog. It never made sense to me why God would judge us because in truth He is all loving. This part you’ve shared is absolutely gorgeous, so true and feels very confirming of my understanding of our relationship with God, ‘our true loving Father invites us to take a place at the table with Him.’ and not see himself as above or superior to us. The teachings from organised religion that people are worthless, sinners and below God, I feel is a great blanket of evil that is suppressing the grandness and divine being that we all are.

    1. It seems to me that evil does not have the power to change the truth but just to reinterpret it, or cloud it as you suggest here. If evil can convince us that we are worthless sinners then it has done its work. But we can always return to the power of our own choices to claim back the truth of our beingness, the love that we are and is our ‘birthright’, given us in full and without reservation by our loving Father.

  11. I was quite struck by this line – “If I had paid more attention to the inner conflict I might have acknowledged the feeling that a truly loving God would not wish his children to live life feeling worthless.” – by your honesty and got me thinking, how many other people could be open to considering the same. It pays to take the time to check in and discern with what is being presented. And the joy of being an adult when you can stand firm by what you know as this is rarely encouraged as children.

    1. When we feel tension there are by default two opposing energies, thoughts or feelings we are entertaining. Which is the truth is the question? Is it what we think with our minds or feel in our hearts? Something well worth pondering and exploring.

    2. Yes Sarah, what a gift age is, we deny it, fight it and moan about it but look where it can be amazing! We find we can stand firm when we hear something we know in our hearts to be wrong – God does not, and never has, wanted us to feel worthless. We are from love, we are love, that can never be worth less than love – which is the all!

  12. There is much presented in many Religions that is detrimental to our self esteem. Its almost as though we are encouraged to be dependent on the scripture and not grow into independent Adults. To have the knowledge through the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom presented by Serge Benhayon, that we are all equal Sons of God frees us up to be whole again.

  13. It is in trusting our inner sense that we truly get to see the true way that life is here for us to grow. And god is one that encourages this true growth through the endless pull up, to the equal grandness that we are.

    1. I agree, there is an endless pull which feels like a tension we cannot ignore. We develop coping mechanisms but I find that when they don’t work that is when the depression kicks in. A feeling that “I am doing all of this to not feel that tension and it is still not working – what more can I do?” The irony is, the less searching outside we do and the more we embrace what is inside the less we feel the tension!

  14. Reading this blog makes me ponder on the number of people who are depressed but don’t recognise or are unwilling to admit they are as it has become so normal to feel low. I would say I too have been depressed and like Richard I managed it, constantly looking on the outside to make me feel better. I feel that the statistics for people suffering from some form of depression is far from the truth, in fact how many of us are truly content within ourselves without having to rely on something to pick us up?

  15. I’ve enjoyed what this article is saying about God, our relationship to him and also Jesus. I for one and I can see there are many others from different ‘faiths’ have been sold a complete lie on what these three are. As the article truly states, “The only way to know God is to claim who you are to be one with Him.” This makes sense and is so so simple and freeing and yet it’s not the mainstream. We would rather at this point believe and foster the lie, why? This is a momentum, a long term held belief that we take for granted must be truly merely because we have said it over and over again. We need to continually question things that don’t make sense and not be silent because we think it’s wrong. The more we come back to how things feel it will support us to see the things, like this that we have taken on word alone and not feeling. We can see from how people are that we are on the wrong track and as I have already quoted from the article, we are the way.

    1. If ‘everything is energy’ then God is energy and to know God is to align our energy with his. That’s how I see it anyway. When I allow myself to feel rather than think, there are not true barriers to what I can feel and hence I can feel God, just as I can feel anything else.

      1. When we see human life as just a physical existence we already lose sight of energy. If we are held in a perception that everything is just physical, then we will look for God as a human being would. So if we said the ‘second coming of Christ’, we would look for a man to come from the clouds and do something, maybe save us? I’m not sure where these thoughts or perceptions would have gone to next but it is like God would definitely need to come from the clouds for us to take him seriously. Would we rely on just a part of life to explain all of life because as we know life is much much more than physical. So why when it comes to God don’t we apply the whole picture to him? Maybe from not applying all of life to God, opening up to all, then this, in turn, filters what we see which also, in turn, filters what returns to us. We are in control of this whole thing more then we care to imagine or even entertain. Nothing that comes to you is by accident and what’s more, if you open up to the ‘whole’ world then this by choice allows you to see everything; only open to a part and you only see that, it is by choice.

  16. That line from church is very interesting: “I am not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs from under Thy table.” If we all believed that, we’d all be walking around in depression. That’s a great example of the bastardisation of religion. God has nothing but love for us and to be told otherwise is utter lies and is evil.

  17. I find it quite insidious that an institution that represents God repeatedly offers a teaching that holds all away from the true connection with God that we all deserve. Each of us senses as did Richard that God is all encompassing and that to know God is to know ourselves innately so as truly divine beings, until, one by one, we again claim and live this fact, unfortunately the denegrating constructs that hide such truths will continue.

  18. I absolutely agree Richard that “a truly loving God would not wish his children to live life feeling worthless.”, but it appears that this is what some mainstream religions set out to do, which is not only totally shocking but raises the question as to why; why would anyone want to set out to make others feel lesser than what they truly are? It feels to me that it is simply about power and control, a way to keep a huge majority of humanity from knowing how amazing and how glorious they actually are, something that will not only benefit them but also the whole world; surely, at the end of the day, that is all anyone wants?

    1. There certainly seems to be some force at work here that does not want us to know and embrace our true sense of worth – but it is not God – of that I am absolutely certain.

  19. Some of what the Church spouts is enough to lead anyone to depression. Can you imagine saying to a child: “You are not worthy”…what kind of life are they likely to lead if they take this on? Certainly not one where they walk in their power, glory and amazingness.

  20. Richard thank you for your blog, it really reminded me how our struggle in life is based on expectations which make us feel lesser than another, when in truth we are all equal with one another, and God stands beside us, not judging in any way.

  21. “I am not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs from under Thy table.” How is this line any different from the dictionary meaning of oppress – “keep (someone) in subservience and hardship, especially by the unjust exercise of authority.”? For someone who didn’t go to church other than for weddings and funerals reading about what many main world religions say leaves me gobsmacked, that 1 they believe it and 2 that they can get away with it. It shows how far away we have walked from our inner essence and the all we are from.

  22. Realisation is a word that is often taken rather lightly. We use it in relation to a mental process of seeing something that was unclear beforehand. However, there is a much deeper essence to this word. It is one where to realise means to ‘make a reality’ or to fully embody something. When we realise our true nature, the latter applies – it is more than a mental shift and is a physical and energetic embodiment of who we are.

  23. Thank you Richard. Your blog reminds me that there is a huge amount of energy placed into organisations, companies, groups and institutions that have a vested interest in people feeling worthless. Our advertising and marketing strategies reflect the truth back to us whenever our eyes or ears are available. We can only be affected by this bombardment from outside if we have not connected to our own divine nature – and what kind of God would want anything less?

  24. I find it so interesting to see how I have come back to openly love God and have a relationship with God when I would not even say the word for years! I could not understand how religion could be representing love and deep down I have always known God to be love but this was what I heard in the subtext of church – I was “a rotten sinner who needed to spend his whole life being sorry for existing and paying the price for his awfulness.” The Way of The Livingness is the simplest religion I have ever come across because it asks us to live love – as simple as that.

  25. “I …. disavowed my feelings because everything around me appeared to say it is not so and not only that, there was a feeling that it was wrong and maybe even evil to listen to such feelings.” It is so ironic because our parents are coming from the best of intentions and by doing so believe they are loving us but they are shackled as they have disavowed their feelings, too. Living by not disavowing our feelings but instead honouring them we not only break free the shackles of ‘everything appearing to say not to’ but also become a living example for others to do likewise.

    1. You hit on something here jstewart51 and that is the word ‘living’. Yes, true religion is a living way and a living relationship with God, not something we attempt to live through images, pictures, symbols and words alone. And yes, it is true that my parents had the best of intentions too, I agree – but they too had learned to dismiss the wisdom of their own hearts, their own feelings and their bodies.

      1. Yes, Richard, and it is from the wisdom of our inner-hearts that we know true love and can then truly love, guide and support not only our children but all others. Good intentions are never enough.

  26. If we focus too much or only our sins and imperfections, we do not leave enough space to build ourselves up, confirm our strengths, our value or our potential. There needs to be a balance.

    1. Absolutely Suse, I have also found that the focusing on the imperfections and ‘sins’ is like feeding the monster within. It keeps growing larger, gaining more strength and adds to the fog of illusion that keeps us from feeling God.

  27. There was a deep settling in my body, down to my bones when I read this – “The only way to know God is to claim who you are to be one with Him.” Truth is felt right down to our bones.

  28. “The only way to know God is to claim who you are to be one with Him.” I love this sentence as I can feel the responsibility of claiming me through the quality of my movements which leave no space for anything that is not divine.

  29. Thank you for your blog Richard, it got me considering how much we give our power away to something when enough other people also do the same. Often I have felt something in myself as true, and then looked at how many people confirm the opposite of what I’m feeling, and subsequently overridden my feeling because a “majority must be right” – what a harmful belief. Trusting ourselves and living connected to the truth we do absolutely know within is so vital for the restoration of the societies we live in.

  30. One cannot but wonder as to the extent of the impact of such debilitating beliefs upon our wellbeing and health, mental health and otherwise…
    To live our every day as ‘worthless sinners’ – to breath, move and interact with this as a foundation in one’s own body and being… this is already illness in my book at the very outset.

  31. I couldn’t agree more with this blog; we can only save ourselves. The idea that someone will come to save us, is not just an idea that has not just been sold by Religions but by Hollywood movies, books and popular culture. The reason it is such an appealing belief is because it requires us to take little or no responsibility. The reason people don’t like hearing the fact that they are an equal son of god, is because that sentence alone begs a bigger question…..if we are, then why are we not behaving like one?

  32. An interesting reaction from the undercover priest at the gym – makes sense though as there is no right/wrong in the heart and the mind cannot win its argument against it.

  33. Thank you Richard for sharing your experience , one that I could relate to having been bought up in the Catholic religion, I would say that the belief that I was a sinner was imbeded in my body for most of my sixty years of life even though I left the church in my late teens, the feeling of unworthiness pervaded every aspect of my life, but what an amazing awakening that was presented to me by the Ageless Wisdom through Serge that I am indeed a beloved son of God knowing now that God lives within me and within everyone.

  34. I wonder if depression is about depressing the truth about who we are – Glorious Son’s of God. Your comment Richard – ‘What had I learned to believe and in particular, what had I learned to believe about myself?’ exposes the lies we have been told and guides us all deeply to the truth that we are ‘Love’ first and by claiming this we release the innate tender, precious and loving person we are.

  35. What are you raised to believe, including the beliefs about yourself, is crucial to shape your way of moving through life. The movement, on the other hand, cements those beliefs in your body.

  36. It is interesting how many mainstream religions try to crush you and confirm to you you’re a sinner all the time and you need to work hard to try and recover from this. Going to church as a child was a very unpleasant experience for me as every cell in my body knew that the way the church spoke of God was false, they would never have let you believe you were a Son of God or equal to God in anyway – that’s why I deeply appreciate The Way of The Livingness because it is a true religion in every way and allows you to reconnect to the immense love of God and the truth that we are all in fact the Son of God.

  37. Richard this is a powerful revelation to share. It clearly shows how we are the ones that persecute and condemn ourselves. It is us that hold ourselves to ransom, keeping ourselves separate and in the illusion of being less, choosing not to connect to our inner truth that knows all to be equal to God.

  38. If God is Love, then he does not punish his children and nor does he seek vengeance on them. If we believe he does, then we have very perverse idea of Love in my view.

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