Coming to the Truth about how I was Living…

After finding out about Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I read one of his books – The Way It Is – which made a lot of sense to me as I could feel the truth that was there.

As I started to attend presentations, so began the process of feeling how I was living and the truth of who I am.

Initially I felt so uncomfortable at being there; my unloving way of living was being exposed and it felt like everyone could see what I was experiencing. Really though, it was me that was feeling how I had been living – I was becoming acutely aware of the choices I had been making.

There wasn’t anyone telling me what to do, where I was going wrong or anything like that, it was all in my head… I was giving myself false reasons of why I should not be there. I was feeling how much disregard I had for myself – eating anything to fill up the void I felt inside, using alcohol, porn, watching hours and hours of TV – especially sport, sleeping in, etc… all the things I was doing to not feel this emptiness. I spent a lot of time hiding in my cave; the destructive thoughts I allowed kept me stuck in unloving choices.

Sometimes I would drive to the Universal Medicine events, sit in my car and just feel so anxious about going in that I couldn’t do it, so I would just go home again. Other times I didn’t even get out of my home, or if I did, I would just return home before I got to the event. Sometimes I would go inside, sit down, but before Serge got up to present, I would leave.

I’m not sure how long it took for me to be able to stay for the whole event, but I would then not really talk to anyone and leave as soon as it finished. There was always that feeling of discomfort in being there… I felt completely alone in the crowd; I didn’t fit in and I didn’t belong.

Although all I could feel at that time was the discomfort, I felt so out of place it eventually became clear that it was because of my own judgment on myself about how I was living.

Hearing the truth that Serge Benhayon presented connected with the deepest part of me and I knew I couldn’t stay away. 

So gradually I started to attend more Universal Medicine presentations and workshops and throughout this time, Serge would always say “Hi Mark” if he saw me. I could feel that he saw all of me and accepted me as I am, almost certainly for the first time in my life. Serge was able to see the light in me, well before I could feel it within myself, because I was identifying with all the things I was doing that harmed others and myself.

I have no doubt that it was my first experience of being truly loved for who I am, before I was even able to begin loving myself.

What a healing that is.

I was being supported, being called to be more and I had no awareness of what lay ahead for me; understanding at last the truth of who we are, the truth about love and how that is what we are and feeling the absolute joy of just being me. For the first time in my life I felt that I belonged.

It was beautiful to feel the fullness of me at the event, but then to bring that way of being into my every day?. . . Well, that was another story. It became very clear that it wasn’t just about attending the events:

I had to develop how I lived every moment, caring for myself in every little choice I made.

For a long time I was always hard on myself and therefore, hard on others as well. Although this had dropped away before I became a Universal Medicine student, it remained in the form of not being able to appreciate others or how far I had come. Appreciation became a focus and as I deepened this awareness I was able to feel the beauty in others – they are just like me. This made it easier for me to see how I had been isolating myself, so choosing to connect with friends, going out more and socialising made a significant difference.

I have been able to let go of the behaviours that didn’t support me, mostly through the support of friends and practitioners. Being able to honestly talk about how I am feeling, the harming thoughts I am having etc., begins the process of deconstructing those old patterns. The perspective that is offered by others, the loving reflections of what they feel when I share, help me to gain perspective and understanding of how I am being.

I was searching for truth all my life. I now know that truth without love does not work very well because I was trying to be ‘right’ and this was just empty words that actually harm others… Truth has been central to my transformation over recent years. What is presented by Serge Benhayon resonates with the deepest part of me and it is through truth that I return to love.

by Mark Payne

Further Reading:
Universal Medicine Retreat….and Advance!
Sacred Esoteric Healing
My Life After Serge Benhayon’s Presentation Only Confirmed And Refined What I Had Connected To Before

916 thoughts on “Coming to the Truth about how I was Living…

  1. Wow Mark, amazing to read about your struggle to come or to stay at Universal Medicine events, your soul has been very determined with you and you knew. How deeply to appreciate where you have come to; ‘What is presented by Serge Benhayon resonates with the deepest part of me and it is through truth that I return to love.’

  2. I had attended many courses and workshops before I came across Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine but it was during the events held by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I got to feel the love within me, within everyone and everything. It made sense what was being presented; that we are love because I could feel it. It was the start to wanting to know more and the start to developing a relationship with self which continues to unfold.

  3. Whenever I read this it moves me deeply, because it shows the power of true love. When we are held in love we come to our senses by ourselves as we are able to start to feel ourselves, to feel what lies beneath all these layers of self-doubt and critique and judgment. And with every step more we move with this knowing of ourselves the inner warmth growth and we are able to face the world we created around us and dismantle it step by step with the growing love we hold for ourself.

  4. I can so relate to feeling uncomfortable coming to Universal Medicine workshops and presentations. I cannot attend them on a regular basis, so for me it is a big deal, it already puts me out of my ‘everyday’ thing. And I totally agree that even though no one has ever or would judge me, I feel exposed and uncomfortable because what gets presented is all about livingness and I do know how I have been living and to feel how much I have been holding back and how much more there is to be lived and expressed.

  5. It’s funny to watch the things we do, the choices we make and then at some point we can see those choices weren’t truly supporting us. I use to live life critical of myself when this awareness kicked in, I was always trying to perfect how I was, with everything. This placed a huge pressure on any point I was in the world, whether talking, walking, anything. Now I can look at these choices without the pressure and realise that was just where things were, where I was and now my awareness has changed and so embrace where I am now. It’s not about shutting out where we have walked but just being more settled with how I learn. I often find it funny or more I am light hearted about how I was and from there appreciate where I stand now. Always knowing at some point I will stand again and look at my current point and possibly thinks it’s funny in the same way. We are always learning, always expanding our awareness and so no perfection and no end point and in that way there is always more to see. This for me is a free way to live, no pressure just another moment in time to appreciate.

  6. Appreciation – one powerful word that can change lives, starting with ours first. Choosing to appreciate ourselves for who we are begins the process of dismantling the negative self talk that most of us have lived with for most of our lives. This destructive talk does not have a place to burrow into once appreciation is welcomed in and made a constant companion.

  7. I just love this story about something pulling you to these events and then backing out at the last minute and then coming to the acceptance that perhaps there was something there that you weren’t prepared to deal with, and then choosing to deal with it. What an unfolding!

  8. I am learning to accept that I am a student of The Way of the Livingness and will always be and there is no such thing as perfection, that as I face and feel the choices that are not supporting me to not be hard on myself and compare myself to others but to embrace and appreciate the awareness and to choose to deeply love and honour me while I process what is there on offer to be healed.

  9. Choosing to become more open in our sharing with others allows the truth to be revealed to us and then we have the opportunity to make different choices that support us on our return to who we truly are.

  10. It is very confronting to look at the truth of how we have been living and I know that in the early days of attending Universal Medicine events I would assume that other attendees would not want anything to do with me because of my negative energy. I was becoming acutely aware of the many habits that had cemented a way of living that was untrue and deeply damaging for myself and others and felt unworthy to associate with others who were making choices that were still too challenging for me. Like you I felt drawn to the events and knew that that was where I needed to be and persevered despite the discomfort of being confronted by my choices and gradually started to make different, more self-loving choices. Being held in love and accepted allows us the space to start to love and appreciate ourselves and is such a gift as is the honesty in your writing, thank you Mark.

  11. A very honest accessible account of a journey back to Love with truth as your guide Mark. It’s amazing when we start on this journey we come to understand that there is the harm we do to ourselves and others in itself but far worse is the judgement we place on ourselves due to that harm – when we can let that judgement go we hugely empower ourselves to see and feel what truly supports us and how there is no perfection just the willingness to get back up and continue; to never give up on ourselves and to back ourselves to the hilt and find the support we need when we need it – we deserve it and it hugely impacts us and all we meet.

  12. How can we not feel as Mark has shared here, the tension between being shown who we really are and the vast difference we have lived in our lives? I know I felt it for years (and to be honest still feel it, though now I understand it), but was unable to stay away also, as I knew from deep within, the absolute truth that was being presented by Serge Benhayon. How did I know. I felt it, deep within my body, and even when my head wanted to discard it, I couldn’t ignore what I had felt.

  13. Such a beautiful and honest sharing Mark, you raise a great point about appreciation. It has also been a game changer for me as well and key to deepening the relationship with myself, and has supported all my relationships to strengthen and evolve as well.

  14. “I had to develop how I lived every moment, caring for myself in every little choice I made.” True for so many of us. It is one thing to attend the amazing workshops and courses and be inspired – but the real work comes in living our daily lives – with love and truth at its core.

  15. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine from day one has and still supports me in my livingness, the way I choose to be with myself and others, in fact everything; it is not just about attending the events and workshops. As I walk out of the door that’s when the ‘real’ learning begins putting into practice what I have felt to be true from what has been presented.

  16. It is gorgeous to feel the honesty in your sharing showing the vulnerable part of you. That is giving us all the opportunity to connect to this too, and see that we all come in a different way to feeling the truth in the words of Serge Benhayon, knowing it to be, and coming to live it for ourselves.

  17. Thank you Mark for so honestly sharing your experience, I too have had the same amazing experience with meeting Serge as you have expressed here “I have no doubt that it was my first experience of being truly loved for who I am, before I was even able to begin loving myself. What a healing that is.”

  18. Thank you Mark, this is so true, so true. Feels in a sense like we are stuck in this pattern all in one. There is a lot of judgement that comes with constantly right or wrongdoing, what we see, hear, choose and believe. And so all that is in this blog is showing us that we can return and deconstruct truly this old way of being that keeps us narrow, and choose to be free and understanding of where we are at. Love it Mark, thank you.

  19. Great blog Mark, your honesty, openness and willingness to connect to truth is amazing.The transformation you have chosen is very inspiring. Your commitment to truth and love is what our world needs. Thank you.

  20. The emptiness that you describe is so common in all of us. How sad is that, that despite all the accumulated knowledge and wisdom of the ages that so many of us are still making it into adulthood with this slightly secretive, empty, lack of self worth.. and no real understanding of what to do about it – instead trying to fill it from the outside. How blessed are we then, to have someone like Serge Benhayon come along and show us another way.

  21. This blog is immense, the honesty and rawness you share is real, it’s not all rose-ie glasses and plain sailing, at times the water can get a bit rough when stuff we have buried or chosen to not feel comes up to be cleared. I remember going to my first Universal Medicine retreat and having a feeling like I shouldn’t be there – lack of self worth, I am not perfect by all means and to be honest struggle with negative thoughts, being truly loving to myself and living this love accordingly. But I do know that its the absolute truth and my life has changed beyond belief since meeting Serge Benhayon. There is not a day that goes by that I am not blown away or aware of this fact. I have never been held, to this day, or met in such absolute love as Serge Benhayon holds me in. This is one of the most beautiful lines I have read; “Serge was able to see the light in me, well before I could feel it within myself, because I was identifying with all the things I was doing that harmed others and myself.” It’s true, Serge always meets you for who you are never what you are not or what you may choose unlovingly to do. He sees you for you.

  22. We can resist, we can walk the other way, we can say no. But what is remarkable to me in what you share Mark is not that this process is hard or difficult in some way, but that there is some thing, some essence, some part of us that actually ignores all this and goes ahead still. Without understanding the role and power of our Soul you can’t explain why we keep coming back to these courses and presentations that can make life quite uncomfortable. How beautiful is the magnetic pull we experience to keep returning! This process means it is only a matter of time till we see we are divine.

    1. So true Joseph, and I feel that with honesty and understanding of why we are feeling uncomfortable when we are presented with truth, this supports us to learn and grow.

  23. Great sharing Mark. I also had a similar experience when attending Universal Medicine events, I felt challenged but at the same time joy full. Attending events where there are a lot of people you don’t know and discussing the everyday things about life is sometimes daunting but totally refreshing as there aren’t many places that give you this opportunity for such an open and non reserved sharing of truth.

  24. Very cool to hear your personal process Mark, I know that I relate to it very much. Every now and again I will still react about going to an event but I know that I am really just struggling with the way I have been living up until that point and being at an event allows me the space to feel my choices. I also enjoy hearing Serge Benhayon presentations as they are such an expansive Philosophy of life and the Universe we all live in

  25. Gorgeous to feel how your willingness to embrace a loving relationship with truth deepened and developed a loving relationship with yourself, all that you truly are, through which you have shown how it is possible for us all to heal and let go off all that we are not. It is a forever unfolding journey, as the Love we are within is immeasurable, eternally calling us to surrender and live the truth of who we are to no end.

  26. Thank you Mark for sharing your experience with Universal Medicine. There are two comments that deeply resonate with me “I was becoming acutely aware of the choices I had been making. For the first time in my life I felt that I belonged.”

  27. Thank you Mark for so honestly sharing, a coming back to accept, love, appreciate and care for the beautiful being you are. I too have felt the immense beholding love from Serge Benhayon and in that moment know that I too am love, a true turning point in our lives by accepting the truth that has been presented.

  28. I love your consistency, your willingness to not give up but simply to take each step as you could and as far as you could every time, simply restoring your trust in the world and you with every step more.

  29. Mark, reading your blog I am reminded of how important appreciation is in our lives. It builds a solid foundation which supports us to hold steady through the challenges that life presents us with. What I am learning now is the importance of appreciating the small step I take in life which in the past I often overlooked, or I simply dismissed them as not being important. This is very much a work in progress…

  30. ‘it is through truth I return to love’ – beautifully said Mark. And I love your insights about hardness and appreciation, that while we may drop the hardness or the coarse forms of it, our lack of appreciation is a more subtle form of the same thing, when we appreciate we build on the beauty we are.

  31. “I was searching for truth all my life. I now know that truth without love does not work very well because I was trying to be ‘right’ and this was just empty words that actually harm others…”

    You really expose something for me in this line. If I could talk about my life being a recipe, this missing ingredient is often not enough love and way to heavy handed on the being right. I am exploring this currently and this article is another part of supporting me to unlock this, thank you, I really enjoyed hearing your story.

  32. Your honesty shines so beautifully. It’s just amazing to read how you would feel so uncomfortable that you would just sit in the car and not attend the event, yet you kept returning. How strong the pull must have been in recognising the love that you so yearned.

  33. It is through truth that I return to love. Thank you for those words Mark, they sum up truth for me too. I had no idea what truth really was until Universal Medicine, in fact I thought that it was something that science could bring me and I looked for it in science for around 30 years, but I found no truth in science and I now understand why I never will. Science tries to freeze its version of truth into a snapshot in time, but truth does not stand still, it is constantly expanding.

  34. Mark, it’s great to read your blog today and be reminded of how key appreciation is, and how much it’s a big support to all of us as we live our lives, without it we can easily loose context and forget how far we’ve come. We often excel at giving ourselves a hard time, but do not give the same focus to appreciating and confirming ourselves in all the amazingness that we are, and that is something I am learning more of daily, to appreciate.

  35. The deepest part of me is also what brought me to Universal Medicine. How amazing is this, that the power we hold within leads us to The Way Of The Livingness. A way we already know innately, but didn’t know how to live it. Beyond amazing I say.

  36. All those beliefs and ideals that we take on are not us. Anything that is not love, like being critical or hard on ourselves, is not us. We find all sorts of thoughts that come in telling us lies and trying to keep us from knowing who we are because we have been aligned to things that were not love, but deep down we know the truth. We are love and we come from love, even if that is not what we have lived, and we can come back to love anytime.

  37. Your whole blog is gold Mark but I especially loved this line “I now know that truth without love does not work very well because I was trying to be ‘right’ and this was just empty words that actually harm others…” Serge Benhayon has always presented that you cannot have truth without love and I have experienced this to be true countless times.

  38. Appreciating myself especially my inner qualities and not what I do, I am finding to be incredibly powerful. Appreciating myself even though it may seem small and trivial is having an impact on how I feel about myself and therefore others because in that moment I am confirming myself and that is setting a foundation that I can build on.

  39. It is so beautiful to read about your journey back to truth, being held in love gives us the opportunity to choose this love for ourselves.

  40. I have been pondering recently on the uncomfortable feeling I get when I feel exposed. Sometimes it has felt so raw that to hide has certainly been an option for me too but allowing myself to feel the truth that is on offer is something well worth appreciating that so often goes amiss. To not be judgemental on myself when confronted with truth is key and very apt for me to read this morning.

  41. Mark, what I love about your journey with Universal Medicine, is how this is another perfect example of how it can not possibly be a cult. You clearly were free to come and go to presentations as you liked, and the only thing pulling you back was the truth you could hear and feel. You had a tug of war within yourself about how you were living that you already knew was not working for you….no one gave you any instructions to do anything….you made every choice yourself for yourself.

  42. Your journey back to truth and love is just awe-some to read Mark. I admire your absolute commitment to push through and face the truth regardless of how it would challenge you so that you could return to the love to which you belong. Amazing.

  43. If Serge Benhayon can meet someone in their entirety and bring them a sense of fullness within, then we too all have that power to connect to each other on a level that does not get stuck on behaviours or outside judgments. I feel like that is the sense of belonging that we are all searching for, the belonging to ourselves and knowing we are more then meets the eye. Although, meeting someone with the eyes can be enough to initiate that person into feeling their true selves more – pretty cool!

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