Coming to the Truth about how I was Living…

After finding out about Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I read one of his books – The Way It Is – which made a lot of sense to me as I could feel the truth that was there.

As I started to attend presentations, so began the process of feeling how I was living and the truth of who I am.

Initially I felt so uncomfortable at being there; my unloving way of living was being exposed and it felt like everyone could see what I was experiencing. Really though, it was me that was feeling how I had been living – I was becoming acutely aware of the choices I had been making.

There wasn’t anyone telling me what to do, where I was going wrong or anything like that, it was all in my head… I was giving myself false reasons of why I should not be there. I was feeling how much disregard I had for myself – eating anything to fill up the void I felt inside, using alcohol, porn, watching hours and hours of TV – especially sport, sleeping in, etc… all the things I was doing to not feel this emptiness. I spent a lot of time hiding in my cave; the destructive thoughts I allowed kept me stuck in unloving choices.

Sometimes I would drive to the Universal Medicine events, sit in my car and just feel so anxious about going in that I couldn’t do it, so I would just go home again. Other times I didn’t even get out of my home, or if I did, I would just return home before I got to the event. Sometimes I would go inside, sit down, but before Serge got up to present, I would leave.

I’m not sure how long it took for me to be able to stay for the whole event, but I would then not really talk to anyone and leave as soon as it finished. There was always that feeling of discomfort in being there… I felt completely alone in the crowd; I didn’t fit in and I didn’t belong.

Although all I could feel at that time was the discomfort, I felt so out of place it eventually became clear that it was because of my own judgment on myself about how I was living.

Hearing the truth that Serge Benhayon presented connected with the deepest part of me and I knew I couldn’t stay away. 

So gradually I started to attend more Universal Medicine presentations and workshops and throughout this time, Serge would always say “Hi Mark” if he saw me. I could feel that he saw all of me and accepted me as I am, almost certainly for the first time in my life. Serge was able to see the light in me, well before I could feel it within myself, because I was identifying with all the things I was doing that harmed others and myself.

I have no doubt that it was my first experience of being truly loved for who I am, before I was even able to begin loving myself.

What a healing that is.

I was being supported, being called to be more and I had no awareness of what lay ahead for me; understanding at last the truth of who we are, the truth about love and how that is what we are and feeling the absolute joy of just being me. For the first time in my life I felt that I belonged.

It was beautiful to feel the fullness of me at the event, but then to bring that way of being into my every day?. . . Well, that was another story. It became very clear that it wasn’t just about attending the events:

I had to develop how I lived every moment, caring for myself in every little choice I made.

For a long time I was always hard on myself and therefore, hard on others as well. Although this had dropped away before I became a Universal Medicine student, it remained in the form of not being able to appreciate others or how far I had come. Appreciation became a focus and as I deepened this awareness I was able to feel the beauty in others – they are just like me. This made it easier for me to see how I had been isolating myself, so choosing to connect with friends, going out more and socialising made a significant difference.

I have been able to let go of the behaviours that didn’t support me, mostly through the support of friends and practitioners. Being able to honestly talk about how I am feeling, the harming thoughts I am having etc., begins the process of deconstructing those old patterns. The perspective that is offered by others, the loving reflections of what they feel when I share, help me to gain perspective and understanding of how I am being.

I was searching for truth all my life. I now know that truth without love does not work very well because I was trying to be ‘right’ and this was just empty words that actually harm others… Truth has been central to my transformation over recent years. What is presented by Serge Benhayon resonates with the deepest part of me and it is through truth that I return to love.

by Mark Payne

Further Reading:
Universal Medicine Retreat….and Advance!
Sacred Esoteric Healing
My Life After Serge Benhayon’s Presentation Only Confirmed And Refined What I Had Connected To Before

925 thoughts on “Coming to the Truth about how I was Living…

  1. Mark I so appreciate what you are sharing with us because so many of us do not know what true love is or feels like. We have instead been brought up on a diet of emotional love, which is not the same thing at all.
    I am still struggling with truly loving and appreciating myself and others as I have wrapped myself in seemingly endless layers of self protection against the ravages of the world. At least now I know that true love exists and that it is so worth connecting to, as I can appreciate others around me that have made that choice of connection and the love pours out of them.

  2. Thank you Mark, great to read how honesty has shifted the feelings you have had and we can all learn to appreciate our essences as energetic appreciation deepens the understanding that we are more than this physicality.

  3. More and more I appreciate having an awareness to see the things that I do which are not loving. Yes, when I realise it I also can get into “damn, it Viktoria what are you doing/thinking?”, but when we begin to realise that only though awareness we can change unloving behaviours, only when we are willing to see them & acknowledge them as unloving can we make a difference to ourselves & others, we will begin to appreciate the magnitude of being able to see. Because otherwise, we remain stuck and contracted in our beliefs that how we are living is true, remaining completely oblivious to what we are actually doing.

  4. Have you ever felt like a fraud? Like when you say one thing, but the way you actually live your life shows differently? The only way to feel steady on our own two feet is to actually live what we preach, go through it all & experience it through our own bodies – then the words that come out of our mouths have a weight of tangible, lived experience.

  5. Who is there to tell us discomfort is a healthy place to be? It signals something we need to look at and suggests there is more to life, even if we can’t feel it fully yet. The moment all seems lost and hopeless is often the threshold that leads to more honesty and openness. Impossible to move on without this stage.

  6. Thanks Mark for sharing your story, I noted in particular your words about appreciation and how this changed how you were with people and you stopped isolating yourself. Appreciation is very powerful, practised on ourselves it highlights our own inner beauty which I have found automatically opens my awareness to others’ inner qualities. Appreciation is very supportive for how we feel about ourselves, and for our relationships.

      1. I agree Lorraine, and it is an important foundation as there is much in life that is designed to make us question ourselves, not feel good enough, feel less, or compare ourselves, when we can feel held by our own self love via our appreciation of what qualities we bring to others.

  7. It is hard to understand that we see each other through pictures till you meet someone who doesn’t do that. There are no expectations from Serge Benhayon, he has no investment in you getting it and it is clear he offers space to feel the divinity we are all from.

    1. Beautifully said Lucy, Serge Benhayon sees the all that we are and not what we have become. What we have become is just a mask that we wear to cope with life.

    2. Yes, Serge Benhayon offers us all space, no investments, no judgements, just holds us all in love, ‘I have no doubt that it was my first experience of being truly loved for who I am, before I was even able to begin loving myself.’

  8. To be more aware of how we’re living and making a commitment to bring more love into our lives is a huge first step. Often previous behaviours start to drop away with little effort and we no longer want to live the life we previously lived, and appreciation replaces judgement.

  9. “I could feel that he saw all of me and accepted me as I am,” To be met and truly loved is rare and profoundly beautiful. But there is more, Inspired by Serge Benhayon, we get to feel the same about ourselves when we finally come home and accept ourselves. For many of us this is a miracle in itself.

  10. “I could feel that he saw all of me and accepted me as I am,” This resonates very clearly with me. I remember the first Universal Medicine presentation I attended I had the feeling that Serge could see right through me and there was nowhere or nothing I could hide. So gradually I too have got to feel and know who I am.

  11. ‘Serge was able to see the light in me, well before I could feel it within myself, because I was identifying with all the things I was doing that harmed others and myself.’ This is so true for you, me and thousands of other people that know Serge. The beautiful thing is once we have been completely accepted and truly seen by another for who we are it starts the gentle and magical process of healing and us accepting ourselves ✨

      1. Lucy I agree with you. From my own experience of being hard on myself and therefore not accepting that I am part of God and the universe. I can feel that I have had many lives within a religious gathering, and it has brutalized my perception of God and of myself. That the way to God is through hardship, self flagellation and endeavor. This is completely opposite to the presentations of Serge Benhayon and there is a part of me that is saying but surely it cannot be that easy? And of course, it is when we let go of the ideals and beliefs we have lived with for lifetimes.

  12. Becoming aware of harmful patterns is one step away from committing to let them go. When we truly love ourselves, this becomes the natural choice to make.

  13. That’s the tricky thing when we feel empty within ourselves, we tend to fill that gap with whatever and drop our standards instead of what is actually loving and building for us.

  14. It’s a beautiful insight into your return to your essence (or true self) and how your relationship with yourself unfolded and developed to become more accepting and self loving. Your words about the effect of Serge loving and accepting you really highlighted how we don’t do this journey alone, that there is tremendous power in the reflections of others. There was so much more communicated in the simple “Hello Mark” by Serge to you because of the unconditional love and acceptance he held you in. It also is a wonderful point of inspiration as it’s a reminder that the power of loving and accepting others is something we can all do and is as simple as “Hello”.

    1. When we meet people for the truth of who they truly are there is a settlement in their bodies. I have noticed with children the negative behaviour they go into is because they are wanting to be met, and if they cannot have this they then resort to unruly behaviour to get attention because it’s better than no attention. I remember doing this as a child too, I was always in trouble but at least my parents knew I was there because they were always telling me off.

  15. The beauty in what you share is that in all your struggles the deep love and care you hold for the world was always there.

  16. It stands to reason that if we live a life of lack of self-worth then it will take a while for us to accept that we are Love and that Love is our natural expression. It’s still in us but hidden and dulled by the layers of hurts we hang onto.

    1. We make a prison for ourselves and throw away the key, the prison is to keep the world out. So that when someone such as Serge Benhayon comes along and offers the world true unconditional love, we do not know how to handle this gift because we are so starved of what is actually our birthright. We are so used to the struggle that when an easier way is presented we can resist because it is so alien to us.

    1. Yes, it can take a while to returning to fully accepting and loving ourselves, ‘I had to develop how I lived every moment, caring for myself in every little choice I made.’

  17. With the support of the beholding love of Serge Benhayon, so many including myself, have re-connected to the love we are, which is the love we all come from. Mark it is very beautiful to read of your home- coming, back to who you truly are in essence.

    1. It’s an amazing appreciation Elizabeth to reflect upon, I know for myself I have received so much healing from the beholding love of Serge via many years of constant support, love and acceptance. In addition there is now the appreciation for the beholding love we can all bring to the world as we too live connected to our soul.

      1. Melinda, what you have shared here rings true with me because of the years of Support that Serge Benhayon has given to humanity. We can appreciate the beholding love we are all held in that brings us back to our soul, which is such a precious feeling to hold in our bodies one again. This is the great gift of all the re-connection back to the soul.

    2. Letting go of the judgements and hardness, returning to loving ourselves, ‘For a long time I was always hard on myself and therefore, hard on others as well.’

  18. “… it is through truth that I return to love.” Any falsehood or deceit in our expression of love, then it is not love.

  19. Actually, as a follow on from my last comment, I feel to add that turning away is fine if that is what you truly want. Yet, is it what we truly want or are we simply afraid and don’t feel we will cope without the addictive behaviours that have been our coping mechanism?? Making a choice for yourself is, just like every other choice totally your prerogative. Blaming someone else for your turning away, or blaming the reflection that is highlighting your addiction and inability to address that addiction is not OK.

    1. Lucy I feel that many do turn away because what is being offered is so far removed from their experience. It’s as though we don’t want to be caught out again and so stay in our misery and then resent the reflection being offered so much so we become resentful and want to destroy the offerings because in the destroying we don’t have to deal with our hurts. If we look back at the history of humanity it is possible to understand why people are so hurt and scarred by life as we are so abusive and destructive towards each other.

  20. When we come to the fact that it is us who are making the choices we are making that are resulting in the behaviours we are doing, the shame of the addictive nature of the coping mechanisms can mean we turn away from listening, because it is simply too confronting and we are not ready to let go of the addictions.

  21. “Truth without love does not work very well because I was trying to be ‘right’ and this was just empty words that actually harm others…” – I agree. And this is what I am becoming more aware of in how I talk to myself.

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