My first self-help book was titled ‘Feel the Fear and do it Anyway’ and it was the start of a path of self-development in trying to be a better person. I was not in any particular state of turmoil at the time I purchased the book, but I did not like how I felt about myself or about where I was at in life. So I found this book and hoped it would show me how I was meant to be so that I could feel better.
This was the first of many self-help and religious books. It was my launching pad into new-age courses, tarot reading, reiki, yoga, Buddhism, Dao, meditation, university studies and anything else I could find that would help me develop myself into the person I wanted to be. The problem was, I couldn’t decide what or whom I wanted to be like!
There was the hippy phase, the professional woman, the beach/surfie look, party girl, the blokey don’t-touch-me image, I am a mother, yoga girl, ‘partner of ______’ and other identities that I think I’ll deny. Some would call this an identity crisis, but what I discovered was that it was so much more than that.
The phase would fit with whatever image I wanted to portray – whether it be rebellious, cool, tough, controlled, glamorous, powerful, intelligent, easy going, nurturing, bad-girl, homemaker, carefree – all in an effort to find the best image that would move me closer to feeling better about myself and OK in life. But I didn’t feel OK; in fact, life became more dysfunctional.
Whilst there is a touch of playfulness in what I have written so far, and I can now even smile to myself, in truth what lay beneath was a deep-seated self-loathing program. I was so incredibly lost in life, so desperate to find a place where I felt that I fitted in, where my relationships were loving, where the workplace was harmonious, where I could feel love and stillness in my body instead of continual anxiety, and where there was no longer abuse in my life.
After about 20 years living so very lost like this, I came to a Universal Medicine presentation and did so thinking it would be another thing to try. What I heard was that it was about ‘being myself’. But gosh, who was I?
Serge Benhayon introduced the path of unfolding into who you truly are – a return to love, and this was a far cry from those years of striving to develop myself into something else, some ideal of what I should be like.
What inspired me about this teaching was the notion that we are already everything, and that all we had to do was to make life about returning to the love that we already are and be ourselves… simple in essence but maybe a bit tricky in practice.
I had become so lost in my sadness and despair, and my life was in such an emotional state, that being love and being myself was often a difficult task. During this period my head was filled with all I had learned from text-books and self-development courses which ingrained even more ideals and beliefs into my life and kept me stuck in my head and not feeling my body. In fact, I was numb to my body and did not like to feel it at all, for my body held the truth of the choices that I had made that were not from love.
For me then, the first few years was about calming the momentum of the emotional tornado that I had created by bringing gentleness into my life and my body – making self-care and love my new marker.
Along the way I noticed that snippets of life were themed to where I was at in my unfolding path. Life would show me truths about control, love, anxiety, frustration, holding back, vulnerability, acceptance, hurt, control, joy – whatever it was that I needed to feel and understand at the time.
Living like this, observing what life was showing me next, and travelling down the unfolding path, has allowed me to feel how beautiful my life has become. Life is not about achievement or driving myself to fulfill a particular goal or about gaining an identity, nor does it require the approval and acceptance of another.
It really does feel like a path that is gently moving any obstructions out of the way, each step bringing me closer to feeling more and being more of my amazing self.
Being me, the true me, brings love to all that I do in my day; it honours me and it honours others. There is a flow, a rhythm, steadiness, commitment, playfulness, responsibility, delicateness, an innate knowing of what is needed next, and there is joy and vitality too.
Facing the reality of my choices along this unfolding path has certainly brought moments of sadness to the surface, but these moments are insignificant compared to the joy that I now feel in myself, and the love of others that I feel in my heart. I no longer embrace the notion that I need to develop into something to feel better about myself, but what I do know is that each day offers me a chance to live more of my true self and to love even more than I did yesterday.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and the commitment and love he emanates to us all.
by Maree Savins, Engineering Project Officer, Tertiary Education, Australia