From Apologist to Confident

When I was younger I used to apologise for everything. I used to say sorry to people at work before I asked them a question – like my manager, even if it was to do with my job! I used to say sorry to people if we bumped into each other on the street, even if they bumped into me. Sorry was a word that would automatically jump out of my mouth if I wasn’t sure about anything.

I had totally forgotten about this until I remembered the other day how much I used to apologise for just being me.

I knew this felt horrible in my body and my posture would also reflect this: my shoulders would be tense and curled inwards, my chest would feel caved in and a bit hollow and my back would be a bit slouched.

At the time, I would think to myself, “but why am I apologising for asking a question?” or “why do I see myself less than others so much?” In truth it would make me feel a bit pathetic, but I felt I just had to accept it as I thought that was the way I was and I didn’t know how to change.

Looking at this now, I can also see that it had to do with confidence as well, or lack of confidence in myself.

However, the other day something happened that made me remember this – how I used to apologise for everything – and I could appreciate how much I have changed since this time.

I now know and feel I am equal to everyone, which is massive in itself as a lot of the time I felt less than others. I no longer say sorry before asking a question and I feel a lot more claimed within me. When I say claimed it is a strength from within, a part of me I have re-connected to that I had forgotten about or didn’t feel I could connect to.

I feel stronger within my body, more confident, more present and am not afraid to ask questions or answer them. Also my body posture has changed a lot. My shoulders are not up by my ears anymore, they have dropped, feel more relaxed and are not hunched forward, my chest feels more open instead of feeling hollow and my spine feels stronger and my back straighter.

I am not afraid to stand in front of another and be open with vulnerability – and I feel I am able to connect to a lot more people in a much deeper way.

So what has changed in between forever apologising, with little confidence, to now?

The biggest and main support in my life, when I reflect on each moment and change, is the Sacred Esoteric Healing Courses presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I have been attending over the last 9 years.

Through the teachings of Universal Medicine I have not only gained a deeper and clearer understanding of energy, the Universe and life, but also of myself.

With the healing modalities I have been able to feel and see what I have been holding onto within my body that was not truly me, or did not serve me in how I was living and expressing with others – from ill ideals and beliefs to patterns and behaviours I was living every day, like seeing myself less than others, or apologising for being me.

Through this, as well as making other choices in my life such as committing to life and what I am doing / job I am in (I used to continually want to run away from everything I was doing and not fully commit), these changes have come about.

Another really important subject that has been presented by Universal Medicine is movement and the way we move; if we are purposeful and present (body and mind together) with each move we make, to the best of our ability, be it filling up the kettle to make a cup of tea or walking to a door, this can bring about a true confidence and commitment that is felt deep within the body, giving us something tangible we can build from.

For me this is such a big step and change from how I used to be. It is still a work in progress and at times I may fall into old patterns, but this is very rare and I know there will always be an opportunity to evolve and be more of me if I am willing to let go of what I know is not me.

I am continually inspired by the teachings and presentations of Serge Benhayon, the Benhayon family, Universal Medicine and Universal Medicine Practitioners: they are true role models, living and walking what they talk and present – showing us all there is a more fulfilling and loving way to live and be.

By Vicky, Youth Worker, London

Further Reading:
In the Picture: Universal Medicine, Confidence and Knowing I Matter
Developing Confidence in Myself and My Business
What is the ‘Sacred’ in ‘Sacred Esoteric Healing’?

979 thoughts on “From Apologist to Confident

  1. We are all One and self worth at the heart of this, there is no lesser or more than, only what we create in our heads.

  2. It was great to come across this blog again and appreciate just how far I have come and also to appreciate Universal Medicine and the Sacred Esoteric Healing modalities.

  3. Our lack of confidence is very eroding to us on multiple levels and plays out in so many different ways in our day to day lives – and yes Vicky thinking you have to apologize for being you is an ideal example of this.

    1. Lack of confidence corrodes us from the inside out, we can paint over it as many times as we like but over time it becomes less and less structurally sound.

  4. Confidence is an innate way of being for us, one that we are all born with. It is only when we shut down our connection to who we are in essence, that we begin to lose sense of our magnificence and the power of living guided by our connection to our Soul.

  5. It’s a really good topic Vicky because if people are reactive to us when we shine, and are perhaps even jealous or disapproving, we can develop a habit of being apologetic for who we are. It’s an awful feeling and so many people carry it, some even feel apologetic for even existing. Thanks for sharing so honestly, it’s something I’ve had to work through to let go of also.

  6. This made me think of the fact that we all have our own flavour of how we make ourselves separate. One makes themselves small and invisible, another uses this to make themselves bigger, yet another is rebelling against this, then we have the one who apologises, and there’s the one who likes to be pandered to, and so on… we fit like a puzzle, so it can seem it is our true way to be, but it is not. Because we are actually all the same inside, we do bring different qualities but it is never gaining from another in the way described above .

  7. Yes, no apology for who we are. As I write that I can feel it could be open to abuse, but is that not the case with all our behaviour? If we respect others and have a sense of decency and respect as our foundation then we would not abuse another by bringing arrogance and separation into our behaviour. Then, as we walk with no apology, we also walk with the livingness of no separation.

  8. To stand tall in this world and on solid ground not by bracing ourself but by being open and transparent is a gift for us all.

  9. In this way of living lays the key to our health. For how can the way we live be excluded out of our health care system – when in truth the way we live results in our health responsibility?

  10. A great article Vicky, I can so relate to what you have shared about always apologising, I always felt not enough and with that wanted to hide, all that is changing as I am coming to claim who I am and what I bring in my livingness, I now feel an expansion in my body a sense that I can hold and occupy a space that is me.

  11. Apology is an interesting gesture actually. I have clocked some people who look like they apologise for anything, but they actually do not like admitting that they actually made a mistake, and their ‘sorry’ is pretty empty. It’s interesting how we think we are less when we apologise, and also use that gesture to make ourselves small and feel protected, but really, it’s us manipulating a situation.

    1. So true, there are those who see apologising as a form of weakness and not apologising as a show of strength. I am always willing to learn from every situation but apologising in advance is a pattern well worth knocking on the head!

  12. Very beautiful to read how your body feels so different now, Vicky. We formulate our behaviour to feel safe in the world, and we confirm and ingrain a pattern by repeating it and often become that, but it is possible to undo all that. And confidence is that knowing that we are being ourselves.

  13. Gosh Vicky, you have reminded me of how I also used to apologise to everyone, and I hadnt realised it until someone pointed it out to me. It is extraordinary how so many of us do feel so inadequate with who we are and that apologising so often seems to be accpeted as normal. It is a wonderful feeling to not feel this inadequacy anymore, and that it is absolutley ok, and lovely in fact to simply be oneself.

  14. It is very delightful seeing a man or a woman walking very present and confident. Feels very beautiful and ignites in me something within that says ‘Yes, this is who we are, pure greatness’. When someone allows to emanate from this inner confidence invites me to do the same, very lovingly so.

    1. It is so true Inma – being with our confidence is being at one with who we are. The reflection that this offers is healing for us all, as we are simply representing the power of being in connection to our essence and the truth of who we all are.

  15. Presence builds trust and a confidence within that feels so steady and powerful. I didn’t know that before coming across Universal Medicine and I deeply appreciate being part of it. For the amazing life that I have today and the support and inspiration that I daily receive of being more of me and let go the beliefs that I held onto during many time about being less than others. Living in this way is definitely a very freeing experience, a very worthy choice that makes my days very rich and joyful.

  16. This has been my experience as well Vicky ‘Through the teachings of Universal Medicine I have not only gained a deeper and clearer understanding of energy, the Universe and life, but also of myself.’ How is it that we had to wait to discover these rich teachings, the ancient wisdom should be made available to us from young in the education system, for the absolute gold it brings us all.

  17. ‘I used to continually want to run away from everything I was doing and not fully commit’ This is already a form of escape and checking out which, if it were allowed to run its course, could easily become dementia later in life.

  18. We can choose to move in life as if something is missing in us and we constantly apologize for simply being. Lack of self worth in expression. Healing this is not that easy but accepting who you are and finding beauty in you and allowing others to observe it makes an enormous difference in how you move.

  19. What does an apology actually truely do? I am wondering. As a sorry is often a word more than an action of not repeating that behavior or action ever again.. Often we apologize more to make us feel small in comparison of the other so that we show another that we are willing to compromise to make another feel better. This is interesting to observe in our own ways.

  20. It is amazing how often we apologise for things that there is nothing to apologise over, as we connect deeper within ourselves we become more confident in our own knowing, and there is never any need to apologise for being ourselves.

  21. And the beautiful thing I hear in reading your story Vicky, is you reconnected to you and expressed more of you, no fixing or betterment, just a greater unfoldment of who you naturally are.

  22. Being an apologist is a bit like being nice. It looks ‘lovely’, like you are being polite and considerate of others, yet being on the giving and receiving end I can see how controlling these behaviours are. There is nothing nice or apologetic about the grandness of who we really are, so anything else is just a tactic to get through this life in safety and comfort.

  23. The Sacred Esoteric Healing Courses have also been an amazing support for myself as I have changed so much in the last 7 years since I started attending them. I feel tons lighter, and I look much younger too! And things that used to bother or agitate me, don’t touch me now, as my life has direction with connecting to and understanding purpose. And life makes so much more sense.

  24. “I am continually inspired by the teachings and presentation of Serge Benhayon, the Benhayon family, Universal Medicine and Universal Medicine Practitioners: they are true models, living and walking what they talk and present – showing us all there is more fulfilling and living way to live and be” – I and many others could not have agreed with you more Vicky.

    My life has and continually changed the deeper I go within myself and become more acquainted to myself. The reality is we are not who we represent, we are more and equal to all.

  25. The amount of time that I have apologised for someone else bumping into me….I can not count…I am from the UK and I think we have a big habit of this…I used to be infuriated by it but still say sorry and then be annoyed that I had said sorry. I also have stopped playing small, we are here to shine, every one of us and we do not need to hide or compromise who we are. Yes Universal Medicine is inspiring and inspires this empowerment. Love It.

  26. “Through the teachings of Universal Medicine I have not only gained a deeper and clearer understanding of energy, the Universe and life, but also of myself.” And now you are a role model for others.

  27. ‘I am not afraid to stand in front of another and be open with vulnerability – and I feel I am able to connect to a lot more people in a much deeper way.’ Vicky You are such an amazing present for all the people you meet, work with, live with, meet on the street etc. I am looking forward to your before and after captured in pictures.

  28. Isn’t it interesting when we realise that what we think is being ‘polite’ is in fact a really ugly way of being, toward ourselves. So many of us apologise for being who we are, not wanting to upset people, or to avoid jealousy we apologise for being good at something or for simply even being OK in the world when we know others around us are not. But there is no support for others when we shy away from being who we are, when we apologise, we basically say to the other person that they too should apologise for being themselves, and so the cycle continues.

    1. Also when we do this, apologise for just being ourselves, either in words, ways or body language, what is it reflecting to others? It is certainly not saying ‘shine and be all that you are’.

  29. Sacred Esoteric Healing is a deeply supportive modality offering the space to be much more aware of our whole body and energetically what we may be holding onto that isn’t actually true to who we are in essence, and from that we have the opportunity to let go of harming behaviours we may have been holding and let out more of who we truly are instead.

  30. Allowing ourselves to feel that natural presence and that true graceful authority that comes from that connection within and the knowing of who we truly are, this is what brings truth and a foundation of true connection in our lives.

  31. What is profound that by simply being honest we can shift things around completely. We think that high and heavy changes occur when big things happen.. but actually it is the small things that make it big. I love how simple it is to reflect at your own behaviors and choices in life and how we can do this by simply observing ourselves.

  32. When we say sorry we actually do not claim ourselves and the abundance of love that we, equally to all others, are.

      1. Indeed Jacqueline, saying sorry is not who we are, it is learned behavior.

  33. It’s amazing what we can realise by reconnecting back with our body and innermost and with that give ourselves the opportunity to let go of behaviours that actually don’t feel true to who we are in essence. Sacred Esoteric Healing is a beautiful modality that helps facilitate this reconnection and discarding of what isn’t truly from who we are in our innermost.

  34. When someone is living who they truly are and being real to all that is them in what they feel and don’t feel, it is a blessing and refreshing to be with them because you can feel them. These people put a smile on my face just thinking about them. You know .. pondering on this – is everyone being who they are as far as they are aware of? How can we judge or not have understanding? And it does a full circle to not judge or have understanding for yourself – its the reflection we receive when we do not like in another because of something. That something is what we do not like about ourselves – it’s our judgement on ourselves. I see it as we must admire who we are before we set out to do something as this carries into what we are ‘doing’. Basically to not hold back what you feel. The world is our playground for us to discover and then admire who we truly are.

  35. I have loved re-reading this blog Vicky. In my late thirties I can remember realising that from my early teens, the trust in myself was unknown and it was if I was constantly apologising to everyone and everything for even breathing. Thankfully, this is no longer true today, thanks to being deeply inspired to breathe my own breath and value myself from attending presentations by Universal Medicine.

  36. Being apologetic is a common behaviour for women. As you have shared, we apologise even when there is nothing to apologise for. It is feels like part of the role we play as women of the submissive, ‘good’ person. It was lovely to read about the changes you have found and how powerful conscious presence and changes in your posture can be to let go of the ‘less than’ patterns of behaviour.

  37. ‘At the time, I would think to myself, “but why am I apologising for asking a question?” or “why do I see myself less than others so much?” In truth it would make me feel a bit pathetic, but I felt I just had to accept it as I thought that was the way I was and I didn’t know how to change’. I can relate to this pathetic feeling and also feel how much there has changed in my life since meeting Serge Benhayon and applying the wisdom he lives and brings through in all he shares with the world. Now and then I hear myself apologising and then I just have to smile in myself about slipping into this old movement, joyfully change my movement and accept the opportunity to move on.

  38. I notice so many people apologise almost constantly! It is most often women as well, it is great to read how you turned this around and now have a real appreciation for yourself and how you are equal to all.

  39. Only this morning (whilst ironing!) I was reflecting on everything I have been given to date, and continue to be given by Universal Medicine. The modalities I have both learnt and had access to via practitioners have supported me to literally clear everything out of my body and being that is not me, ill ideals, beliefs, patterns, resentment, blame and have been an absolute blessing. When we have access to such gold it is never just for us but for all and I could feel the responsibility I have to make sure every single person has the same access to true healing as I have had.

    1. That is really beautiful to read Vicky, it is true we need to appreciate fully what we have had offered to us and how much it has positively impacted our lives.

  40. What an amazing transformation Vicky. I feel your deep connection and solidness with you and how you living this has allowing you to be clearer and more present in your day to day life. And you note movement, how we move, how we are with ourselves and within ourselves sets us up for how we are with others and the world around us, the more we can be present in each moment the more we have that solidness behind us in the world.

  41. How awesome, Vicky, to have made these changes in your life and to keep making them, to keep appreciating how much things have shifted. It’s appreciating all of the little things we do – the way we walk, move, make a cup of tea or type an email.. when we bring presence and purpose to what we do, it totally changes how we feel in that moment, and the more we do it, the more that feeling of connection and enjoyment builds.

  42. A gorgeous appreciation Vicky, of your reclaiming and returning to who you are. It is empowering to feel our connection to who we are as we realise that there is absolutely nothing to apologise for when we bring our loving presence to the lives we live. It is in fact a blessing for us all and there is nothing more healing in this world than our loving movements and imprints.

  43. Reading this Vicky took me back to how I used to constantly apologise a well. Making myself less and playing small was a game I used to hide from the world, learning to let go of this pattern and to live and move in a way that is more honouring of me has been an absolute blessing and a game changer in many ways.

  44. I can relate to all you have mentioned about apologising Vicky and being with Universal Medicine with courses, books and retreats has changed my life and my movements. The way in which we move is super important. Every movement done in presence is a commitment to life and is felt in the body.. work in progress as my mind is always very willing to take over and leave the body behind but I know how to come back by just changing my movements.

  45. Thank you Vicky, one of the greatest realizations for me too since attending Universal Medicine is the power that we all hold through movement of our bodies, it is amazing as something so simple has the power to shift and dispel so much in our lives, which is not done in truth. This is a constant exploration and the more I commit to develop such a quality within myself the more life just opens up and flows like never before.

    1. Beautifully said Francisco – ‘This is a constant exploration and the more I commit to develop such a quality within myself the more life just opens up and flows like never before.’ The more we are guided by our connection to who we are, our Soul, the more we are moved by a quality that is in accordance to the pulse of the universe… and what an exquisite quality to explore.

  46. This is such a brilliant blog Vicky, as you have named a ‘disease’ that affects a huge proportion of the population, especially women – ‘sorry for being me and daring to say anything’. It affects our expression hugely and thus will end in throat and head disease. Our whole society has been stratified in a way that there are ‘the most important’ people at the top, going down in scale until we hit ‘the least important’ – this occurs in our work situations, in the wider community, in politics, and in our personal relationships.
    I have a friend who is in her nineties and when she rings up she says’ It’s only me’ in an apologetic sort of way. This is a strong amazing woman and it is painful to hear her say that.

  47. “Sorry, I am only me” is a very strong statement presiding over a pattern of movement. It means, this who you are seeing has said no to be Divine and hence what you get is a reduced version of myself which will not provide any reflection that may disturb you by asking to be more.

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