ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY!

Angry? Who Me? NO WAY! Or that is what I thought. I would run a mile from anger, even from myself. I went into pandering as a way of life to keep myself safe by attending to other people’s needs, keeping myself hidden and hoping thereby to keep everything peaceful.

Anger was not something I permitted in myself. There was supposedly a righteous anger where you were justified in being angry because you were upholding the good and the right. I did not get into that, because anger in any form did not fit my picture of how a Christian life should be.

When one of my sons would ask me, “Are you angry, Mum?” I would reply, “No, I am just a little annoyed.” I would have sworn on the Bible that I was not angry. I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.

When I look back into my early life with honesty, I remember situations where I was frustrated and angry. Strangely enough, and conveniently, I totally forgot and buried those experiences. So this denial was the way I lived a large part of my life. All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.

One day about four years ago, Universal Medicine came into my life. At one of the workshops that I attended I came to understand, that apart from the physical aspects of gall bladder and liver disease, there were also energetic causes. These were explained to be frustration, bitterness, resentment, rage and anger.

This seemed strange, but interesting to me at the time, because I thought, “I don’t feel any of those emotions at all.” Here I was, a woman in her seventies who had had her gall bladder removed some 45 years ago and I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.

This was a puzzle to me at the time. How could these emotions be there and I not feel them? Over time, as I accepted that there must be some truth in what was said, I chose to open up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, they were lurking somewhere deep inside.

Over the course of the next four years, through many healing sessions and workshops and opening up to being much more loving with myself, I got to feel some of these deeply buried emotions as they surfaced, finally admitting that I did feel anger.

All that aside, this morning was to bring up a deeper experience for me. I was reading a blog about commitment, a word I was uncomfortable with, feeling that this was somehow lacking in my life. I had thought I was very committed in my Christian life but commitment in my life now seemed to be so hard. It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.

As I was reading the words about commitment, I felt tears of sadness welling inside of me. I started to write down what I was feeling, and as I was writing I suddenly noticed the way I was writing had changed. I could feel a strange energy coming down my arm and into my writing hand, making my writing scrawled. As the energy of rage and anger was being felt I had the urge to push the pen and the full stop right through the page.

I felt angry – very, very angry – and it was directed at God: all those feelings that I never knew were there came rushing to the surface.

At this moment I could feel my jaws clenched so tight that my teeth were hurting. What I now felt was a deep hatred and anger at myself for deserting me, for making myself feel worthless by taking on beliefs that were not true and that denied the preciousness of who, as I have now come to know, I truly am.

In the past I had heard people rail against God, saying how God had deserted them. Back then, in my self-righteous way I would think, “I don’t feel like that about God.” But here I was doing the same railing against Him for supposedly letting me down. All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing. I had been sold a lie.

As I observed what my body was experiencing, I could feel the energy of past beliefs being cleared from my body. This left me with a sense of freedom, allowing more of the true me to be felt.

Feeling into with more understanding of the energy of the so called ‘good,’ I can now feel its disgusting nature, this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak, with the biggest one being, “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.

How dreadfully evil is that!

I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. But this time around I have been truly blessed and deeply appreciate the opportunity to now come to know the truth of the Ageless Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon, to be re-awakened once more. I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…

For this I am worthy.

By Jill Steiner, Tweed Heads South, NS, Australia

Further Reading:
Living religion: in every moment
Being The Son of God
God’s Waiting Room

742 thoughts on “ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY!

  1. True Jill the Way of the Livingness is not about ‘being good and doing good’ yet when i started to come to Universal Medicine the first thing i did when it came to taking it back into my life was being a good esoteric student and making rules where there were no rules. I first had to build more love in my body to be more of me, loving and delicate me.

  2. Yes we are worthy, it is not God that tells us we are not worthy, it is a religion that wants us to consider ourselves less than we are. I would now choose not to subscribe to that version of religion now. It took me to realise that I would not want that for my children, therefore I cannot want that for myself.

  3. We all carry something, be it Anger, Frustration, Arrogance, Stubbornness, Pride etc., the list is long. What Universal Medicine offers is a way to pick apart why we have these conditions, and to heal them so that we can enjoy life and not be consumed by the effects these types of energies have on our bodies.

  4. How often do we deny our anger? For whatever reason we do not want to admit that we harbour it or even feel it – we can never be free when we don’t allow ourselves to see the prison walls we have created around ourselves to keep us in the illusion that everything is ok. We might fool our mind but then there is our body – the cells of our body pick up the vibrations of our emotions and turn the poison into something else which manifests as illness or disease..It could be a mild bout of diarrhoea if we have not built up a lot of toxicity but over years more serious ailments like arthritis or Parkinson’s or cancer can develop.

  5. That’s the deceptive thing about anger – we think it has to be overt and loud but just think of the word seethe and you will get a version of anger that is still anger.

  6. I’ve read this before but it never fails to fascinate how the body can store these emotions and then when we ask the right questions it can release the energy and clear itself. It makes you wonder why we choose to hold onto it all in the first place – what purpose does it serve?

  7. We are all very good at suppressing emotions that we don’t want to feel. This strategy however doesn’t work because eventually we will have to deal with the undealt with emotion, as well as the affects that occur in the body from denying it in the first place.

  8. In truth we are never angry at God but actually at ourselves. For it is nothing God has done that has led us to where ever we are at but purely our own choices and their subsequent consequences which we then often blame God for.

  9. ‘I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love.’ My body tells me the same Jill and I appreciate i am now on the path of return by making self loving choices with more understanding for myself and others. We know our body reflect to us what needs to be healed, for me last weeks I wake up with my jaws clinging together, something to look at where the anger is coming from and then letting go of this build up tension.

    1. There is also the tension of the world we live in which does not talk about energy as a real thing and yet we are feeling what is going on around us in the micro and the macro all of the time. That denial is a great tension for the body because it is then less well equipped to deal with what is in front of it.

  10. I am now observing that if I become angry for whatever reason, my body does not cope and I am often left feeling smashed afterwards. Its as if it is unnatural for my body to go into anger and that I am made of more than this, it no longer belongs in my space.

  11. This word really resonates with me, angry. I spent much of my childhood and adult life being permanently angry and blamed everybody else about my ill choices. I basically did not want to take responsibility for my own actions.

    Then I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine workshops and saw Esoteric Healing Practitioners and over the years the anger started to ooze and fly out of my body and it wasn’t all pretty either.

    Now I don’t feel like I’m Miss Angry anymore and beginning to discover who I truely am, the gentleness within me is there more than ever.

  12. Oh anger. I have anger from time to time. I once called it frustration and my three year-old called me out. Ouch! At least he was being more honest than me and pulled me up. Being honest with ourselves is a choice and it serves no one if we’re not being honest with ourselves or others.

  13. Jill, it’s pretty inspiring that someone in her 70s is open to make changes in her life…and to address such a huge, once buried issue. It must have been tough at the time but I’m sure it equally felt amazing to address. Very inspiring.

  14. ‘So this denial was the way I lived a large part of my life. All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.’ Until I came across Universal Medicine I hadn’t considered the false ideal of ‘good’ because being good was my major investment too, along with being right. What I hadn’t appreciated that being ‘good’ comes nowhere in relation to being ‘true’. Being good is the most successful deviation away from truth because it’s so believable.

    1. ‘Being good is the most successful deviation away from truth because it’s so believable.’ Absolutely Rachel, you cannot fault anyone who is ‘being good’ althought underneath this ‘being good’ there is the martyr offering his life for his or her faith.

  15. Brilliant blog Jill Steiner. Buried emotions quite literally condemned us to living life in separation from the glorious and divine essence we all are naturally and equally so within. These emotions cause serious problems with the circulatory system in the body (and in life) leaving us with hardness, deep tension, fear, anxiousness, low self worth, self doubt, judgment, self loathing, critique, jealousy, rage to name but a few.
    The stage is then set as the precursor to illness and disease.

  16. I also kept anger deep inside of me and was always putting a smile on.
    The anger was kept so deep that I hid it in my bones, which gave me Arthritis in my cartilage.
    Lately I was confronted by something in my family and I drove home and needed to put my car at the side of the road….I felt so much anger from deep within coming up, I felt it through whole my body and then behind that there came a lot of tears which I’d kept away for so long…
    All universal medicine offers, made those deep healings possible, as they support you to re-connect within your body and face not just the hidden hurts, but also the love we are.

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