Most of us go through life with varying relationships with family members, friends, colleagues or neighbours. And most likely we all have, or had, at least one best friend, be it mother, father, a playmate, school friend or lover. With them we feel at ease; we trust them with our deepest thoughts and feelings; we reveal much more to them than to anybody else.
I had two such friends in my life. As a small child I had a ‘best friend’ that I spent my pre-school years with. We were exploring ourselves and life together with uninhibited curiosity and joy.
That ended when our parents sent us to different schools. Apparently I was a ‘bad influence’ on my friend – too wild and free. I was heartbroken and withdrew into a previously unknown shyness that I found difficult to let go of for a long, long time. It still holds me in shackles from time to time, even though I have healed most of the hurts from my childhood.
After that hurtful experience, I never had another friend, let alone a best friend – until I met my loving partner many years later.
With him I started opening up and trusting again, slowly and carefully letting myself be seen. And after many years of testing the waters with him, I learned to open up to more and more people.
My story is probably familiar to many people. We start off as an open, joyful child with free expression and no fear of consequences, then we experience rejection and judgement, grow up and build up walls of protection around us. We then feel separated from everybody, except from our best friends, if we have them. And even those best friends will most likely not get the full version of our true being any more, as we have learned to adjust to the ‘adult’ way of behaviour, which is measured and tainted by all the hurts and disappointments of our childhood and teenage years.
The ‘adult’ way of life – being very reserved with people we don’t know, smiling only to our neighbours or people that fit our criteria of what good people should look like, but looking away when strangers look at us, being very polite and friendly but showing no honest interest in the other person, being uncomfortable at parties or gatherings where we don’t know most of the people, where they are all friendly and familiar with each other and we feel like an outsider. All this is not the connection we really want, but we pretend that all is good when inside we feel disconnected, protective and lonely.
But what we all crave deep within is that intimate connection to others that we had as a child. We don’t want to be held back by our self-consciousness and fears. It feels like a prison; it makes us sad and lonely. Our own holding back actually hurts much more than a negative reaction of another towards us. That is just one moment, but our holding back is with us all of the time. It’s a structure that holds us in a certain energy even when we are alone.
So why are we so afraid to let our guard down? What does it do to us when somebody doesn’t like what we do or say, or what we look like? Apart from pressing all the buttons and reminding us of past experiences and bringing up those hurts again, it then reaffirms the held belief that we are not good enough just as we are.
I had that belief for so long that, even when I had addressed those old hurts, I still found it hard to believe that I am actually a lovable person; that the sweetness, goodness and love that I feel inside is good enough and of value for others.
So many of us feel that way, but what do we do about it? Mostly, we wait for others to first prove to us that they will not hurt us. Do we really expect that other people, those strangers that we hold so far away from us, will come to us and tell us that they like us and they would love to see and hear the true version of ourselves, and that we don’t need to feel afraid because they will love us no matter what? We all know that that will not happen, but somehow we still hope. So why don’t we give what we hope to come from others to ourselves, love ourselves no matter what, then make the first step towards the other – by just being open, not holding back – and offer our true sweet nature and see what happens?
For me, the only way out of that deeply held belief in the lack of self-worth, the shyness and sometimes crippling self-consciousness, is to come out of my perceived safe haven.
Step by step, I do what feels possible, trying out different avenues to meet and connect to people and open up more and more. With that comes the experience of how people respond or react to me and it has been the most wonderful journey. People are actually all pretty much the same. They all have a goodness and loveliness inside them and most of them love to share it. I never had so many friends before, even if it is just for a moment.
We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly. We just have to hold ourselves in our natural essence, just be who we truly are deep inside – whether there is a sweetness, tenderness, joyfulness or just a willingness to be present within us – and then keep our hearts and minds open, welcoming the other into our presence and receiving theirs. There is no need to perform, or do or say anything in particular, just allowing ourselves to express what comes naturally in any situation. Sometimes just a smile or simple “hello” opens the door to another heart. You can see it in their eyes – it’s a wonderful light, so beautiful equally in everybody.
I often feel like a child; simple, innocent, joyful and filled with love. And with the experience, wisdom and awareness of the grown woman that I am now, there is an understanding that we are all very similar inside. Everyone is love and has their own way of expressing it. And if they don’t show it, it is no reason for me to feel inhibited in any way, but to understand that everybody is on their own chosen path in life.
If we would only allow ourselves to be what we deep inside know to be true, we can live and connect with each other in this free and intimate way that we secretly all crave for. It’s the easiest, most natural thing in the world.
By Regina Perlwitz, housewife, 60, Mullumbimby, Australia
Further Reading:
The Science of Hurts
Self-worth and self-development – does it work?
What is a True Relationship and How Does that Feel?
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
Shirley-Ann, I agree with what you are sharing that adults have all these different barriers around them so that they don’t always understand that a child is very sensitive and should be honoured in their sensitivity and we can avoid incidents if we bring understanding to the fore.
I had a similar experience as a child that I too was
‘a ‘bad influence’ on my friend – too wild and free.’
It’s not until I met Serge Benhayon and started to understand energy and how there is an energy that constantly works against us for ever trying to stop our awareness and thwarting all possibilities to return to our soul that it dawned on me, that actually my best friend was a ‘bad’ influence on me because when I was with this friend or their family I would behave in a way that was not me, just to fit in and to be liked as I could feel just how much the parent disliked me. Looking back I should have stayed away so that I could trust what I knew to be true rather than giving all that away just to be liked and accepted. When I was young to be accepted was so strong in me I would do almost anything to be recognised as just being alive.
Our Inner-most is a relationship that never leaves us, it is that we let it go as the impositions seem too much, but once we re-connect and understand it is our choice to live from our Essence, Inner-most-heart/Soul and the amazing Joy and ensuing Appreciation of our divinity as normal. It is the Truest feeling in the world.
Building a relationship with self, connecting to our essence, ‘to hold ourselves in our natural essence, just be who we truly are deep inside – whether there is a sweetness, tenderness, joyfulness or just a willingness to be present within us ‘.
Absolutely, so lets do it 🙌✨❤️. I am appreciating more and more just how I am allowing this and starting to truly live this 😍 ‘If we would only allow ourselves to be what we deep inside know to be true, we can live and connect with each other in this free and intimate way that we secretly all crave for. It’s the easiest, most natural thing in the world.’
We all love being connected, ‘what we all crave deep within is that intimate connection to others that we had as a child.’
If we are cherished right from the beginning and taught to hold ourselves in absolute love and know ourselves then less and less is likely to rock our boat. So if someone doesn’t like us or rejects us it is like water off a ducks back and doesn’t affect us as it did with you for a long time as it did with you ‘I was heartbroken and withdrew into a previously unknown shyness that I found difficult to let go of for a long, long time.’
This just shows how hurtful experiences can affect people for years!
And so people build walls of protection to try and not be hurt, We start off as an open, joyful child with free expression and no fear of consequences, then we experience rejection and judgement, grow up and build up walls of protection around us.’
‘If we would only allow ourselves to be what we deep inside know to be true, we can live and connect with each other in this free and intimate way that we secretly all crave for. It’s the easiest, most natural thing in the world.’ Sounds good to me ✨
Regina what you have shared one day will be re-established as a truth once again, and that is, our bodies are structured to, or aligned to a certain energy and until we heal the hurts that we carry with us from past lives and this lifetime, we are unable to break this structure down so that we can once again move freely in our movements and feel what it is to be our true selves once again.
That will definitely be a moment to celebrate when true truth is fully re-established in our society and we understand and know not only who we are but also the truth about energy, our origins and also our purpose.
That will be worth celebrating, when truth is what is lived and embodied by all.
So rather than focus on the fear, which is the emotion that feeds the behaviours what we deem to keep ourselves ‘safe’, instead we focus on building a relationship with who we are and learn to appreciate that in full. That sounds like a foundational approach to living life.
When we don’t let our guard down and don’t let anyone in we miss out on so much of life.
I agree LE. Life is designed to flow in, out and through us and so putting up a guard is liking constructing a damn, it interferes with the natural flow of things.
Alexis Stewart when I read your comment I immediately had this vision of the tide and the pull of the moon that allows the in and the out breath of the tide on our shores. Heavens breath.
Reading this blog has reminded me of how much we want others to show us that we are worth being friends with. Maybe it’s worthwhile being friends with ourselves first and the rest will come naturally but I know we don’t necessarily tell ourselves this when we are teenagers.
As teenagers, and even adults, parties can be challenging for some, ‘being uncomfortable at parties or gatherings where we don’t know most of the people, where they are all friendly and familiar with each other and we feel like an outsider. All this is not the connection we really want, but we pretend that all is good when inside we feel disconnected, protective and lonely.’
I’ve been wondering about the guard I put up. There are still only certain angles I show to certain people at certain times. It’s an effort and I still get anxious about spending long periods of time with people in case the guard falls. What I’m realising is that when the guard falls, there may be a momentary upset, a hurt released, a vulnerability shown, but underneath that is always a loveliness to be shared and enjoyed with others.
Yep its crazy how we put so much effort and energy in keeping up a guard when it is so easy to let this go and feel the sweetness and loveliness that we are and allow others to feel this as well. The awesome thing is this, the loveliness within, never goes it is always there and can never be tarnished ✨
I had an experience of this recently Vicky, to me it feels as though there are veils that keep us in the separation to God. it seemed to be that I could feel the power of someone’s words and it was as though a sword had slashed through the veil to expose the joy that was locked away. My whole body feels different. There is a grandness that is God that we are deliberately kept away from. We have allowed false religions to come between us and God; this is the grief we carry with us for lifetimes until we reconnect back to the essence of God again.
Embracing our sweetness, and sharing it with others, then allows other people to share who they are, ‘it is so easy to let this go and feel the sweetness and loveliness that we are and allow others to feel this as well.’
Putting up a wall of protection, stops our love going out, and equally us receiving love,’Our own holding back actually hurts much more than a negative reaction of another towards us. That is just one moment, but our holding back is with us all of the time. It’s a structure that holds us in a certain energy even when we are alone.’
Regina, what you have shared is very interesing as most of us walk around with some form of guard or protection however subtle it might be. I get to feel how I can let this go, how I can drop it, in sessions or events on the weekends with Universal Medicine, but then I find myself taking back the guard soon afterwards and holding people at a distance – perhaps not obviously so to everyone else, but I can feel like a mistrust that creeps in little by little and the openness that is reduced. Thankfully I am aware of this and can choose to keep coming back to the trust and openness. It is a work in progress.
Yes, there are clearly certain situations, places and people, where we feel we can ‘let our guard down’ where we feel we can trust, and other situations, places and people, with whom and where we do not feel safe and therefore keep our guard firmly up. This awareness is medicine!
Our hurts are indeed like shackles that hold us back from walking and moving with the potential of our grace until we heal and let them go.
Suse I’m really feeling the self made shackles this morning, It’s as though there is a part of me that is determined to stay stuck in misery. I can feel how this other part of me is having a hissy fit as it has been exposed as not being it.
“If we would only allow ourselves to be what we deep inside know to be true, we can live and connect with each other in this free and intimate way that we secretly all crave for. It’s the easiest, most natural thing in the world.” So true Regina – if only…..
‘love ourselves no matter what, then make the first step towards the other – by just being open, not holding back – and offer our true sweet nature and see what happens?’ I love this. When I do offer this some people jump feet first into being open and friendly – I remember waiting in hospital and soon a whole row of people were talking as if we’d known each other for years. It was a very beautiful experience. What scuppers it is whenever I go into self-doubt and become self-consciousness, then the other person picks up on this and we can both go back into the usual restrictive norms most of us live by. I don’t often do this and opt for, worst case scenario, feeling an open hearted fool.
Self doubt is such a killer. Appreciation supports me when I go into this. Also forgetting about self and concentrating on what’s needed in the moment.
‘But what we all crave deep within is that intimate connection to others that we had as a child. We don’t want to be held back by our self-consciousness and fears.’ Reading this makes me realise how open and loving young children are – there is a joy and a trust and a love that is very beautiful to feel. As adults we usually don’t have this same openness and unconditional love for others.
I agree Rebecca watching children go up to complete strangers and start chatting to them about everything that’s going on in their world, who wouldn’t open up to such unconditional love. I have watched how the older person responds back with the same love… we are love, we come from love and when love is expressed it comes back.
Toddlers and young children are naturally open, joyful and fun, it is very beautiful to feel.
It can be devastating to lose friends when you’re younger and being in the army this was very common for me. I got to the point where I thought there was no point because either my friend would have to leave or I would. I’ve never forgotten that first day at school feeling and the awkwardness that comes with not knowing anyone.
My parents moved around the UK a lot, so by the time I had some new friends we would be moving again; yes, I hated going to new schools not knowing anyone, yet that happened with each school I attended.
It’s like we don’t really know what it would truly be like to be with others if we allowed ourselves to just be who we are, that we haven’t quite given that a full go yet. A part of me wants to say that it feels like I have only been living the after effects of having my true essence crushed, and I do not actually have clear memory of pure joy of just being me. No wonder it has been very hard to regain trust in others and in myself, to feel that it is okay to just be me. Then another part does know that the true light was never lost and how simple it actually might be to just surrender if I allow it.
I related to this blog as I have had similar experiences growing up as a child. I had a younger sibling I got on very well with. And then something changed over the years and both were going through something at the same time and our hurts got in the way of being with each other. At times I wonder if we were coping with what life was throwing at us and didn’t know how to handle it.
Now it’s bringing that understanding and I find myself responding differently to what life has been sending me, by connecting to myself more. It can be that simple, if we choose it.
I haven’t thought about this for many years but I remember being devastated by a childhood friend moving to a different county. I had finally found a friend I felt at ease with and with whom I felt I could open my heart up to. I was so angry with God, with life that this chance to be me with someone was taken away. I felt pretty rubbish about myself so retreated more from being honest about what I thought or felt, always looking for that same feeling I had had with my friend with someone else. I felt very uncomfortable with people I felt didn’t have issues, and attracted to those who did. It’s taken a fair few years to realise all the stuff I felt awful about that I could feel inside wasn’t actually who I am but emotions I’d taken on board.
Connecting to my essence and how lovely I actually am means that I can share who I am with people, I can also share any stuff that doesn’t feel great because I know it isn’t me and sharing does support me in letting it go. I can still fall into feeling ashamed for choices that aren’t loving, but I then look at myself from love and get the understanding needed to heal. Writing this I can see how much I pushed people away when I wasn’t ready to accept myself.
I have pushed people away too, now I am learning to stop doing that, ‘ love ourselves no matter what, then make the first step towards the other – by just being open, not holding back – and offer our true sweet nature and see what happens?’
I feel like letting our guard down and holding back are two completely different things it feels like letting our (or not letting our guard is) is because we are afraid to be or feel vulnerable .. maybe think we will get hurt. And holding back is not expressing all there is to express .. it is like not letting ourselves be all that we truly are but staying in a very small box. Neither are love and neither are natural yet we seem to currently live this way more then allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and allowing ourselves to be all that we are. My understanding of being vulnerable is not completely different from when I was younger. When I was younger I would think being vulnerable was being weak even stupid but now I see being vulnerable is not being afraid to be all who we truly are and so on reflection maybe the two are very similar and interlinked after all?
It is such a freedom to express our love without depending ourselves by the behaving of others.
To just love and let others deal with their own issues and being open to learn.