635 thoughts on “Humpty Dumpty can live Happily Ever After”

1. The whole-ness that comes from our innate essences or inner-most, remains the most amazing aspect of us when we start to re-connect and understand the wisdom that has always been within and open to everyone equally.

2. Reading this article brings me to appreciate the potential that relationships has of grow and evolve together. I love what you shared about these moments in which it seems the relationship is broken but they are actually gold because offers us the opportunity to discard what no longer is working and to step up to a new level of Love.
   How a relationships would sustains itself if there wouldn’t be these raw moments of Truth?

3. What you shared about connecting with the wholeness of who we are before start a new relationship feels very key Joel. Not many people in this world speaks about how important this is. Instead of that the ideal pictures of being in a relationship are everywhere, from Tv series, films, songs…taking us far away of what a true relationship is about, making us feel not good enough if we are single, sending us messages like you just can have love if you are with someone…
   This article changes this whole created perception about relationships. It’s about taking responsibility for our choices. It’s about purpose and evolution. This makes sense. It feels the way to have a solid and honest relationship, starting with ourselves and others.

4. ‘At a Universal Medicine workshop many years ago, we were presented with a simple truth… we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within. When we connect to that wholeness we can then choose to be in a relationship or not. This meant no longer needing to be with the other person but appreciating what they brought to our life so deeply that the choice to be in a relationship with them was a no-brainer. More importantly, we also brought an appreciation of what we offered, because we knew more about who we were!’
   Joel what you have shared here is not something you would hear at a couples counseling, we are not taught the basics of life; how to be, so is it any wonder we end up becoming very needy and expecting another to fill the neediness within us which puts a huge strain on any relationship as it is so one sided to start with.

   1. A person being needy in a relationship feels terrible, why would you then want to be in a relationship, ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.’

5. When we understand the magnificence of who we are, then live in the glorious Joy that is there for us to live, absolutely nothing can crack our ability to live that level of appreciation of our divinity.

6. “…because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.” And this goes for all parts of our life, our work relationships, friendships and so on. I see it as us being a sphere with little holes in it and by developing a relationship with ourselves we are closing all the little holes that are in the sphere at the start. Then when something happens it can’t come in through the holes anymore and we can more clearly deal with a problem because it is only outside of our sphere and not in and through it.

   1. I like the example of us healing ourselves and closing the entry points first, ‘by developing a relationship with ourselves we are closing all the little holes that are in the sphere at the start’

7. The more I appreciate who I am the more I’m at ease with others. I once crippled myself with a barrage of critique and with this yuckiness going on inside me, questioned why anyone would want to be with me. Let’s face it,I didn’t want to be with me.

   But the other day I got to appreciate how there have been people in my life I’ve just wanted to be around. (They didn’t have to say or do anything, I just found their presence reassuring as they were communicating the love of God and that everything is ok, like really ok, there’s a universal order grander than any rubbish the world might throw up.) And that maybe I was this person for a few people I knew. A beautiful responsibility to work on being settled and let go of anything that can get in the way of this.

   1. Your comment touches me very deeply Karin. What if we are the one who desperately seek to be with? What if we are the caring, loving person to adore? What if we give ourselves the Love we have craved for eons? Perhaps our presence becomes so nurturing and valuable that people feels at home with us. We have the potential within us to bring Heaven wherever we go. So yes, it’s a beautiful responsibility to work with, the purpose that makes my life so joyful and complete.

8. “…we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole.” This is a fundamental truth that we need to be made aware of from the year dot. We invest so much need in our relationships with others without realising the most important one is the one with ourselves first.

   1. If our relationship is based on need then it does not have a solid foundation, ‘The very foundation of our relationship was based on a needed security, which meant that any proposed (or needed) change to that foundation would end up as a defensive battle’.

9. There’s something really lovely about being in relationships and not needing the other to be a certain way for me to accept that I am OK. There’s more space in these relationships and people often surprise me in what they do with that space as I am not bearing down on them to conform to something.

   1. Space is an amazing additive to any relationship and also comes with the deep Love and appreciative-ness that we hold everyone in.

      1. Giving space to another in a relationship is very beautiful for both to feel, and could be akin to true love.

10. I love this ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole’ that completely put the phrase ‘my other half’ out of kilt. Not to say it is not a beautifull thing having a partner. The truth is we are in relationships the whole time. Living in a world of 7 billion people we cannot escape them and are learning about them the whole time .. or er not learning about them? Are they evolving or stuck in a rut and becoming stagnant. Since knowing Universal Medicine my relationship with both myself and others has healed and instead started to blossom. It has been pretty cool and keeps getting better ✨

11. “But if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well.” This is so worth looking into as we may forget that the person has many beautiful qualities and we may not relate to their inner essence, especially if they are at times buried in their patterns.

12. The fall of humpty dumpty is a fabulous analogy of how shattered we feel when we the imposed expectations we put on others and the world around us come crashing down. Great blog Joel, I loved your honesty.

    1. It is a great point that what shatters is our pictures and expectations, not necessarily ourselves or the relationship and it’s potential, even though that can be the perception.

       1. It is always great to expose pictures and expectations, so we can then let them go, as who wants to have these limitations imposed on themselves, or indeed be the imposer.

13. Beautifully said Elizabeth for by loving ourselves from within it allows the emanation of that love to be shared outside ourselves with all others equally. No seeking necessary.

14. “ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” Thank you for this re-frame and for offering a more true way of seeing and understanding relationships. We do not need to be a catastrophist, or in fact I much prefer your Humpty Dumpty image, and we also do not need to harden so when we ‘fall’ we don’t break because we have hardened up. There is in fact a way of living without the hard shell but with the delicateness of the film around the egg that feels everything but can be strong and not break, moving like the branches of a tree with the wind. So many analogies but today they are all making sense!

15. I also used to be a Humpty Dumpty and believe that if I spoke my truth or rocked the boat then that was the end of the relationship and I would be devastated, but at the same time, I knew that I am a very strong person and could face anything. So, what we are sold about how a relationship should be is all dependant on how needy we can be with each other and how we have to please the other person, continually sacrificing ourselves for others. Is it any wonder the divorce statistics are growing when we are suffocating each other.

    1. How come we are not taught from an early age to love and cherish ourselves, so we have no neediness and are complete, ‘Having someone not need you anymore is both confronting and liberating. For me this was the end of the relationship.’

16. I used to use the saying when introducing my partner “this is my other half”. I no longer use this saying because I know that another person does not make me whole. That is often the perception though, that we are not whole without another to share our lives with. No wonder we struggle when our “other half” dies. We are back to viewing ourselves as no longer whole. Relationships as they stand are asking loudly for a new model of how we approach our relationships and to ask what is the purpose of this particular relationship.

17. “If something went wrong in a relationship, it meant it was the end of the relationship” – I can so relate to this. And I am getting a sense that it is never about the relationship itself or the other person, but there’s this kind of stubbornness that simply would not allow more, or another way to be there, and like, I would do anything to prove that there cannot be – and this applies to how I am with myself first and foremost.

18. I loved reading this, relationships are about people, whether we like it or not. Everyone of them are offering something, it’s whether we are willing to see this or not.
    I know in the past I have stayed in relationship with a previous partner for many reasons then one, and I have to say I had got into a rut and I wouldn’t know how I would cope without this person.

    Like any thing in life, we manage and we do make it. I have learnt what you can’t do yourself, then you invite people to assist you, in other words, ask for support or you pay someone – because there is a skill in everyone.

    Happiness is within us all, are you prepared to look within, before you look for it outside of yourself?

19. How we are in life is up to us….if we break or we do not. Your blog shows us it is possible ‘no longer break when (you) fall’.

20. One of the most beautiful insights in a loving, fulfilling relationship is when you realise that you can live alone and that you are together by choice and not out of need.

21. Yes, sometimes I catch myself thinking that person isn’t giving me what I need and even getting quite hurt when really it’s me not loving me, bringing myself back to love and loving me in full. When I do I can see I’ve not been love with them either and seeing where they’re at and why they are unable to bring whatever it was I was hoping for.

    1. We really are responsible for loving and nurturing ourselves; if we have an expectation on another to bring something it can feel quite imposing.

22. This is amazing to re-read, especially the part about ending a particular way of relating to a person one is in a relationship with need not be the end of that relationship. The person may seek the old way or relating and perhaps seek this is another, or the relationship changes in terms of becoming solely friends, but what I’m feeling is, nothing has to compromise the relationship one has with oneself.

    1. Yes, that is what I am realising. Relationships should not ask another to compromise their relationship with themselves and therefore we need to live that in ourselves to know when that is being asked of us and when we are asking that of another. Otherwise we will not recognise the impositions either way.

    2. Changing ways of behaving /relating that no longer serve does not mean the end of the relationship, ‘ At times it feels like the pattern is all there is and we become fixated on fixing the other person. But if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well.’

23. “This meant no longer needing to be with the other person but appreciating what they brought to our life so deeply that the choice to be in a relationship with them was a no-brainer.” I love this view on relationships. Bringing a whole version of you (to the best of your ability) and then appreciating what the other person is bringing to your life. #appreicationisthekey

    1. Yes appreciation can move mountains in relationship….relationship with ourselves and others

       1. Appreciation can change relationship dynamics, both with self, and another/others.

24. I have needed people in my life before and when I stopped needing something from them, the whole dynamic changed. Like you, we had to work out what our relationship was without this needing. Some stayed and re-shaped and others fell away.

    1. I’m feeling it’s about what do we want to have a relationship with- the beauty of a person and the divinity that comes through them. Or do we just want a relationship with a way of relating that suits our needs, that has nothing to do with who the other person actually is?

       1. A relationship based on needs feels horrible for all concerned, building a foundation of love for self can start to change these dynamics.

25. This means that an end of a relationship is not really the end but it can be the beginning of a new way of relating to each other. In truth we are always in relationship with people all around us, it is pretty amazing when we understand that relationships are about evolution.

    1. Making the relationship about evolution is the way forward.

26. It is quite the thing, to want more and to be willing to explore it with another person. To allow the depths of that relationship to flourish, and to surrender oneself to your deepest heart of love so that it may be shared with another.

27. Honouring the truth in any relationship is what allows us to end the momentums that are unloving and opens to the door for deeper loving and evolving relationship to be initiated and explored.

    1. Yes, we can learn with one and then apply with many others.

28. I loved reading this blog. A wise person recently shared that my partner and I didn’t need to do everything together. When we have this picture that we need to be best friends etc, then what is the relationship based on….images and expectations that have been handed down somewhere along the way, whether through families, media, films etc. but it has had a significant impact on expectations..

    Relationships are about evolving one another instead of being comfortable all the time and needing each other.

29. A True relationship with ourselves sees the fall well before, and handles the situation as a simple part of our daily rhythm, thus taking responsibility to not get caught in any situation that lessens us, causing a separation from our essence. When in our essence we are power-full, and thus ‘NOT’ vulnerable to crack at any moment.

30. Beautifully said Elizabeth – the need to be loved by another reduces and eventually ceases once we learn to love ourselves more and more till we completely love ourselves. Then there is not a relationship based on need, but a relationship based upon purpose and true love.

31. “we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole” – this is very powerful indeed for very often in life we get told another will fill us up or fullfill our needs – BUT imagine if we were whole before we entered into a relationship with another who also came along whole, and imagine how much more rich the relationship would be with two wholes coming together to compliment each other rather than two halves coming together.

    1. This is what I called a power couple, two people coming together to reflect absolute love to the world.

32. What is interesting I find is how I grew up being around so many people yet feeling like I was alone and not quite able to fit in. I got really good at playing roles that others wanted me to be so as to get a feeling of fitting in, but in reality I was fitting ‘out’ in otherwords learning to not be myself. Thankfully I now understand this better and though I still find myself falling into old patterns of wanting to fit in, I am getting much better at accepting myself for who I am and sticking with that with an appreciation of myself.

33. “So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person.” This is such a refreshing approach to any relationship. An opportunity to really look at what works and what doesn’t for both parties, and to find a new way forward that can only deepen our understanding and appreciation of one another.

34. Need in a relationship is never wrong. However the key is to make sure the growth of your love together is working at letting the need go. Otherwise you are stuck and not evolving. And there is nothing worse than being comfortable in an arrangement like this.

35. Awesome sharing Joel, there is nothing worse than being in a relationship where you can feel totally bound by a need, and that is what keeps you together. You have reminded us how we have a choice in situations be it with our partners, family, friends, colleagues and strangers, that a true relationship starts with one with ourselves first, then we have space to be with all those around us.

36. Joel you make sense of what I feel happens in so many relationships. We can be stubborn when it comes to letting go of old patterns and just bury our head in the sand. To know we are evolving all the time and things that may have worked for us in a relationship in the past may no longer be needed is often difficult to see, it is as if we choose to have blinkers on and want to doggedly stay where we are as the other moves on.

37. It’s crazy how we hang on to being smashed by words and circumstance when it’s totally possible to observe it all. We have the capacity to rewrite those old stories: “humpty dumpty watched what occurred, held steady and kept bringing Love to the world”. Now that’s a children’s story worth reading.

    1. A children’s story showing the importance of observing, consistently being love, with a steadiness and joy could be an amazing children’s story.

38. Thanks Joel for your insights and presenting them in their true light. In any relationship you have there is up and down aspects as each person or partner grows along their way. In the past I have always felt the best thing to do here is leave and get on with my life. However what life am I talking about if you don’t see the fullness of what is being offered. For me allowing time and honest expression is the way through it all, even though at the time it feels like a way backwards, as I move within to a new level of understanding, And then I tend to say what was all that about….really!

39. It’s such a beautiful read, thank you Joel. This is such an interesting point about appreciation and how when we hold ourselves as complete we don’t have the neediness of others – “This meant no longer needing to be with the other person but appreciating what they brought to our life so deeply that the choice to be in a relationship with them was a no-brainer.” I’m feeling to examine this more deeply because I still have neediness come up at times in different relationships, and after reading your line I feel that both appreciation of myself and others is called for in these moments. Appreciation really confirms the completeness of who we are.

40. I love how you say that not ‘needing’ someone doesn’t mean that you don’t appreciate them and dearly love having them in your life, and in fact you may in many ways appreciate them more.

41. Seeing the spirit play it’s ugly game of self and individuality in any relationship is confronting and yet very liberating to feel. You see how utterly irresponsible and harm-full you have been in how you have treated the other person, but this is also very empowering as it enables you to truly move on and not choose it again.

42. Letting go of old and unsupportive ways of relating opens up more space to relate truly and lovingly. It happens first because we have allowed this space to love ourselves.

43. Yes, ingrained patterns become stifling and harsh and a blowup can be a useful pointer that something needs to be adjusted.

44. A relationship is usually a good reflection of where we are at. If there is a blow-up it means in many cases that there is something to find out. Once found out and dealt with there is the potential for more harmony, a process that can lead to deeper and deeper harmony.

    1. There is always something to appreciate in any deepening of a relationship even though sometimes it could look messy, raw and vulnerable.

45. “Ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” – There are times when I have felt a monumental shift in how I am in a relationship and sometimes it feels like I am in the middle of a divorce – not in the sense of wanting to divorce from the person but in the sense of realising that I must let go of the way that I have been in the relationship and hence divorce an old way of being to allow a ‘new’ way (which really is not new, but a more natural way of being). This can be quite a confronting time as it asks of me to review and revise everything and really look at what works and what does not and discard that which does not work and embrace that which does. This then offers so much more growth in any relationship.

46. “we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.” – How different and amazing would it be if all our relationships began with all of us being whole and bringing that wholeness and fullness to ourselves and then each other?

47. Most reflections around me of people in relationships is that you have to fit each other and complement each other and that when it does not work or ‘fit’ or when one of the partners changes you have to move on and the relationship does not work. But what if indeed we can work through these changes when we make it about the relationship and commitment to love first and not about the patterns you have together and feel familiar with?

48. When we become aware of the ‘arrangements’ we have been settling for in relationships and friendships, we can begin to discover how beautiful it is to be transparent, open and truly loving with another – some may not like it, but most will embrace the offer of a true relationship.

49. We do not ‘need’ another to make us whole but when we appreciate each other for all that we are it offers a whole new dimension to a relationship.

50. The more solid we can be in ourselves the better our foundation will be to be in any relationship, as a relationship based on need is so very tainted.

    1. Spot on Kevin, relationships based on needs are very limited in what they can bring on a larger scale and for the benefit of our society and communities.

51. ..’if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well. It is the more that I want the relationship with, so that is what is offered.’ When we are honest with ourselves, looking at our patterns without any judgement we are able to see throught the patterns of our partner or friend, colleague or any of the relationships we have, and let go of how we ourselves or others should be to fullfill a need.

52. Society has setup the ideal that if we are ‘ok’ then we will be part of a relationship with another person and so often people hold on to this picture no matter the what patterns and control are woven into it. Magic happens when a relationship is open to true movement, expression and love and this begins with being in true relationship with ourselves first. I love your statement Joel – ‘Which means I no longer need ‘all the kings’ men’, because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.

53. I suspect that many people find relationships ‘scary’, needing to be in one but not wanting to be in one. This scariness can lead to all sorts of behaviours that are far from the love we actually feel. We end up trying to control people and situations so we feel safe rather than allowing whatever is possible to flourish.

    1. And, being in any relationship can be scary if we are avoiding evolution because it is through being in relationships with people that we learn and grow.

54. We need to ‘dare’ something in relationship and that is being who we are instead of protecting the hurts of the past – leaving one´s comfort zone is a must to have truly fulfilling and purposeful relationship.

55. This is great Joel, and may I suggest that the falls not only become less and less, that when we do fall they also feel some-what-cushioned as we accept the openness to the Love we all are and the increasing levels of Love that come from all around.

    1. And also, when we are more open to learning, the stumbles and falls are an opportunity for us to evolve.

       1. Yes we learn so much from when we slip up and not that they are looked for but are welcomed for the healing that can take place from the understanding we have allowed a lesser energy or ill energy in, that is an opening, that needs attending to.

56. No matter what is happening for the other person, you are only ever responsible for the quality of how you hold yourself. Going into sympathy might feel good in the moment but it is in no way honouring of yourself as it is giving your power away.

57. Very insightful point Joel that people are more dedicated to their patterns of being in relationship than they are to the actual relationship. I feel this is where a lot of relationships go off track, as despite the love that may be there, our patterns used to cover up hurts often take priority.

58. The last time I visited this piece and now, I’ve too grown stronger and steadier in my relationships. They are such an amazing playground to keep steadying myself and to keep expressing and observing.

59. In relationships and in life in general, if we have the same issues repeating themselves constantly I have found it is wise to stop and consider why this is happening. This then allows us to make the needed changes, and learn and grow…increment by increment.

60. Awesome sharing Joel, thank you! And I can share that there are times when I have felt a very large shift happening in my relationships, to the point where I am thinking that it is time to get ‘divorced’ – that strong an urge! And yet when I sit with it and allow myself to feel it deeply, I get to realise that it is time for me to indeed ‘divorce’ but not from the person I love, but simply from my old way of being in that relationship. And so a huge shift takes place with an adjustment in how I relate to myself and to my loved one.

61. Joel, I love this; ‘This meant no longer needing to be with the other person but appreciating what they brought to our life so deeply that the choice to be in a relationship with them was a no-brainer.’ I can feel how so often we stay in relationships for security and through fear of not wanting to things to change and fear of the unknown if we were not in a relationship. So it is very beautiful to make the choice to be in a relationship because we want to be with the other person because of everything they bring to our lives.

62. The problem is not just that we may be committed first and foremost to a pattern but also that the people we choose to relate with fits it as well. So, the choice of patterns and people cannot always get disentangled.

63. Relating between partners is an amazing learning ground. I’m learning every day and being aware of growing my own wings and the resistance to fly at times, the devastation felt and the returning to holding myself and repeat all over again until a true stop to this pattern. I’m giving myself lots of patience and acceptance and always allowing myself to feel.

64. It’s quite a process uncovering the need we have of people, instead of living from the fullness of who we are and the love we have within ourselves. I find this in all kinds of relationships, there are areas where I believe I need another to be or act a certain way, and then also feeling the fullness of me at other times which places no demand on others and let’s them be, because I am allowing me to be all that I am. It’s a really honest enquiry we can make of ourselves to feel where we are in need, or allowing others the space to be themselves and offering all we are without expectations.

65. “I felt that if something went wrong in a relationship, it meant it was the end of the relationship… “couldn’t put Humpty together again.” ” – no matter how long the length of relationship, 8 days, 8 weeks, 8 months or 8 years, being with another human being and irrespective of what happens in it during that time i.e great or not so great, when we have the essence of understanding through being an observer of ourselves we realise the relationship has allowed us one of the greatest opportunities in which to grow, to grow in love and to evolve as a person. Then we see there is never a “wrong or bad relationship”, only a relationship and its contributing quality we are to learn from to support who we truly are.

66. My experience is that in a true relationship you can go through many changes and it may take (many) years before the upheaval settles without needing to enter into an arrangement. However, eventually it can settle and the relationship gets more and more joyous and the upheavals shorter and shorter.

67. Wow, how far away from relationships are we. We live in a world where everything is telling us that relationships are about fulfilling each other’s needs, yet a true connection with another is based on a connection with our essences – there are absolutely no problems when we are in our essence. So for us to stay stuck in the idea that we are “angels with one wing” is just a lie to keep us small and stuck in problems.

68. Much like Humpty Dumpty, sometimes I do not know if I am ‘cracking up’ or ‘cracking open’, such is the feeling when you let go of all that you thought was true but you now know is not truly true now that you have reconnected to what truly is.

69. Very cool Joel – it shows how there is a possibility of being with someone in a different way. And I love what you share here about a relationship being about appreciating the other person, not needing them.

    1. That is a game changer HM, when we appreciate people in our lives it can change our relationship from one of blame to love.

70. I would say I have been the opposite, running away from relationships and not needing them. Yet recently I have found yes I may not need to be in a partner-style relationship with another but it does bring a different reflection to life that I wouldn’t have if single. Sometimes this Humpty Dumpty jumps off the wall to get smashed to avoid being whole, preferring to moan in a broken state but this is changing the more I appreciate being whole and hate being that smashed, bitty mess I choose to go into.

71. Eggs are designed to crack so that all that gooey goodness inside can spill forth 😉

    1. Yup without that cracking it’s just a cold hard shell.

72. We often think of completion as the end instead of a new beginning and expansion. A true relationship is constantly expanding and evolving so that means we need to let go of old ways of being as we grow – this is something gorgeous even if at times confronting!

73. I have a great image of two humpty dumpty’s happily sitting on a wall, with their wings stretched out, smiling at each other, each their own person, being their own amazingness, and then appreciating each other and their connection.

74. Amazing Joel. What you have shared really asks us to be honest about what it is we are ‘in love’ with in our relationships. Is it that we love in being left alone to in a sense, allowing unloving behaviours to play out to avoid the responsibility of being honest with how we are with ourselves, or do we love who we are and bring this truth and honesty as such a relationship with evolution to our relationships? Either way we are always in a relationship with something, however the quality of the relationship with ourselves is what determines the quality of relationship we share with everything and everyone else.

75. The belief that we need to be in a relationship to be or feel whole is a big one, permeating through many a ‘romantic’ movie! But what I can see now is how that really sets us up to be needy and imposing on one another, rather than coming together from a place of co-operation, love and togetherness that is founded on already being complete and full in our essence…

    1. My experience is that we may well be a mixture of need and love and in a relationship we have many choices to move away from need and to be love.

    2. That is one of the biggest lies about love and relationships is that we are not already full and complete in our essence. We see this when people refer to their spouse as their “other half”, and even that we won’t be “complete” until we have children. It’s an enormous pressure to place on others.

       1. It certainly is Melinda and I fell for this in the past and what a breath of fresh air and weight lifted off my shoulders when I finally understood what love is and who we are.

76. What a honest account of when our foundations of relationship are based on getting our needs met outside of ourself. Indeed change the pattern of relating first not the person and see what alchemy is possible.

    1. It is incredible to discover just how evolving, liberating and empowering every relationship can be when we are open to being honest and to deepening our connection to love, both with ourselves and each other.

77. Reading this makes me realise that I used to think this; ‘I felt that if something went wrong in a relationship, it meant it was the end of the relationship’. I had an idea that everything should be lovely all of the time – probably from watching too many romantic films. What I have learnt is that things come up and that this is okay, it is being willing to work on these that is important and that often if we can do this, it allows the relationship to go deeper with more understanding and love.

78. ‘We had to keep having issues to deal with; we had to have a reason to hold on tightly to each other’. Wow, what a moment to stop and ponder on, how much of our relationships are based on issues? It’s crazy to think we fill our time with each other up with issues instead of enjoying each other.

    1. It’s become a very comfortable place as often in can be an unquestioned stance – “Why is there a constant focus on all my/their issues?” It’s like we are scared of appreciating and loving each other but then we did get it forced out of us as a child by “Be a big boy now/don’t cry” and other such lessons we learn that being sensitive isn’t acceptable.

79. When we are honest about our needs and patterns and be honest with them, we can choose if we want to stay in a relationship or not and that is when the relationship starts being true. This is the case with people, with work, with family—all relationships.

80. It is great to name some of the things that happen in relationships, like the neediness, creating issues so you have something to work on and the inability to ‘fly’ without each other. It is not actually humpty dumpty that is smashed when we start to appreciate rather than need our partner. It is the images and ideals of how a ‘perfect’ relationship should be, which give a sense of control and security. Letting go of these sounds incredibly liberating and opens up the relationship to be so much richer.

81. Love the analogy Joel, and may I add that not only no “breakage” but we provide all the ‘materials’ to deliver us from the evils that would push us while our backs are turned, so sitting on the fence is probably not a good idea. So not only can we heal our ills, which is an energy, we can when we become re-connected to our essence, thus staying whole. This whole-ness can also then be a way of living that can deliver us away from that energy and also how that energy can be deleted from our life.

82. it is so interesting how when something does go the way we think it should in a relationship we want to be look at it as if we have failed, and when it seems to be a big thing that there is no return. Calling patterns and needs out and expressing how we feel is essential for all relationships to go to the full potential that they can go to.

83. We need to deconstruct consciousnesses to get to the honesty and truth of the matter – but that doesn’t mean throwing the baby out with the the bathwater.

84. ” we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, ”
    This is so important , for the whole world tells the opposite , in that you are a failure if you are not in a relationship, thank you for sharing.

85. Sometimes we have to get a bit dismantled in order to get reconfigured to a new way of being.

86. This is gold Joel, that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship. If we started taking responsibility for some of our own relating styles and hurts, our relationships would be transformed.

87. I love the way you have used Humpty Dumpty to illustrate your story. It’s true, many of our relationships start out in need and it’s those long term relationships that we have spent so long in, developing ways of reacting to each other from need, that can be the hardest to change, but the beauty is that we can change, and as you say developing that love and security within ourselves, then allows us to be with another person with less need, and as we strengthen this connection the needs gradually dissipate.

88. Most of my past relationships were built on need and security with no room for growth. I am now in a relationship where I have a husband who is not at all needy, this was very confronting at first because of my patterns but slowly I started to look after my own needs and develop a relationship with myself which offers us both freedom to grow.

    1. Very beautiful Jill, so great to let go of any neediness as it offers the space for true love.

89. Beautiful article Joel. You’ve shared some really interesting and important lessons that will no doubt support many people in their relationships, but can also support us all in building an amazing and steady relationship with ourselves that will provide a solid foundation for us to be in relationship with anyone without becoming completely reliant on them as a ‘pick me up’ or to keep us ‘happy’.

90. I love the wisdom offered here. So frequently a pointed finger and blame is thrown at others when we are feeling out of sorts. This perception of being a victim is also too readily endorsed by society. Whilst all along if we had an inner solid foundation of a loving, caring and honouring relationship with ourselves our experience of life would be radically different.

91. I always had an idea that there had to be issues in relationships, that we could not have relationships that were void of issues. I am humbly now learning that there is another way.

92. I am learning now to not personalise things so much and to read situations and to give people the grace to make mistakes and go through things. When I do this I am not reactive or burnt by things but able to bring more understanding.

93. ‘ ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.’ oooh this is such an obvious yet unseen, how evolving can a relationship be when this is truly considered?

94. Relationships in life are just a mirror to our relationship with ourself. This in turn is about our relationship with the all. So life spins in this cycle of interdependence and connectedness – which we miss when we make it about what others do – thank you dear Joel.

95. How willing am I to let go the patterns, to step into a new way of relating … for as noted here, it’s easy to fixate on fixing another but it’s about our part in any patterns we may have together, and in addressing our part and bringing understanding to both us and them we allow the space for a new way of relating to unfold and be.

96. “The hard part can be that some people are more committed to that pattern of relating than they are to the relationship.” This is gold Joel and makes sense why we struggle to deepen our relationships, because the pattern we have built the relationship on is stronger than the will to change what we do know is not working. I am learning this in my relationship and am allowing old patterns to be exposed knowing that they are holding me back and keeping the relationship stuck in a certain way of being, that is neither evolving or growing. I can certainly relate to Humpty Dumpty affect.

97. There are old patterns of relating that I am very comfortable with, the question is that you so beautifully highlight, do I cling onto them or allow my own two wings to grow and be 100% present? with me dealing with my hurts and insecurities no matter how those around me respond – even if they also choose to be more intimate and expose more of my old patterns and hurts!

98. When we consider that a relationship never truly ends it is only patterns of behaviour that do, our whole approach to relationships change for the true better. Distinguishing between these two aspects is critical otherwise we can go down a hole thinking things that are simply not true to the detriment of ourselves and the relationship.

99. ” This Humpty Dumpy handles himself with more care now and has grown his own set of wings.”
    This is for sure and the writings show this to be true , thank you Joel.

100. ‘when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.’ and this can be in all areas of life I have found, with learning to respond rather than react as I go.

101. After several years of learning to apply the Universal Medicine principles in my daily life I have recently started a relationship which is nothing less than absolutely exquisite. Never in all my imagination would I have envisaged being in a relationship like this, it is so completely pure and wholesome yet totally sexy and hot in every way. Equally our relationship is all about purpose and a true commitment to supporting others…OMG.

102. We can use others as props in a relationship, or we can see that we can be wholly ourselves and relate to them from this space, being willing to see and engage with all that may arise and to allow the continual expansion of who we and the other are. There is no set way of relating and letting go and allowing ourselves to more deeply surrender to all we are, and of course in allowing that with ourselves we allow it with others.

103. I have been in a relationship with man for over 16 years and there are still so many patterns and habits that we are exposing, we are not complacent about the fact that there is always more to learn, we resist sometimes, but in truth we are together to live and explore this level of evolution in our relationship. I can remember when I lived relationships from point of view of security and need, they were much less rich and rewarding, more shallow and flimsy…big changes have occurred and it is through a choice to be more observant and honest.

104. “until I realised that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” A great realisation and one that a lot of us could take great benefit by heeding these words of wisdom.

105. “… we were each angels with only one wing and could only fly by holding each other…” This is a clear example how advice to manage a situation, that is given with the best of intentions rather than solving the cause of the problem, can be hugely debilitating and harmful.

106. “… we were each angels with only one wing and could only fly by holding each other…” This is a clear example how advice to manage a situation, that is given with the of intentions rather than solving the cause of the problem, can be hugely debilitating and harmful.

107. We cannot grow when we hold onto ways of relating that keep us in comfort. Whilst it can be challenging to let go of the familiar it is always worth it as life truly opens up in ways we could not ever imagine, this has been my experience.

     1. This is what I am experiencing too Thomas. Letting go of these familiarities that are not supportive aren’t always easy at first but once I do, life seems to be so much easier, simpler and more loving.

108. ‘In the past relationships were a security blanket and a way of belonging – in fact a need to belong.’ It is interesting how we feel we need to belong, and that a relationship would give us that feeling of belonging, when in truth all we need to do is be connected to who we truly are, to express and feel our essence, when we know ourselves there is no feeling of needing to belong because we already are everything we need to be.

109. It’s great how you share the difference between deeply appreciating someone and the quality they bring to our life, versus needing or thinking that we have to be with them in order to be complete or fulfilled…

     1. Yes, I agree Fiona, the consequence of the difference between the two approaches results in two completely different relationships – one is debilitating and inward while the other is expansive, deepens in love and evolves.

110. oh my gosh I needed this. Thank you, I feel only whole when I was with someone else, but learning to let go is the hardest part to be honest. I almost felt like I have to have him in order to feel good about myself but thank you for the reminder

111. ‘In the past relationships were a security blanket and a way of belonging – in fact a need to belong.’ I can relate to this. For me it wasn’t just my need in relationships with a partner, but a need also in all my relationships from family to friends to colleagues. What I really needed is to develop was a stronger relationship with myself. In the process of doing this I have watched that need and deep investments melt away. Quite miraculous.

112. How we relate to others can always change, yet many of us are stuck on how we relate more than the relationship … and yet when we are offered something more than the pattern, it’s an invitation to deepen and a great reminder that when a pattern or old way of relating dies, it leaves space for more of us and for another, and we peel back another layer and let the world see more.

113. Thank you Joel. I love it when it is a ‘no-brainer’ to be in a relationship with someone because all that they bring is so very much appreciated.

114. It astounds me that a counsellor would suggest that you are only half a person in a relationship. I’m aware of this idea being fed to us as we grow up, but even when I was younger I found it absurd that so much pressure was put on finding your ‘other half’. How damaging is the advice to be in a co-dependant relationship. Here is further proof that being true to yourself and being your own person allows for a much richer and deeper relationship when the need and expectation is eliminated.

115. “This Humpty Dumpy handles himself with more care now and has grown his own set of wings. Which means I no longer need ‘all the kings’ men’, because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.” A beautiful sharing – thankyou Joel. I found when I stopped behaving in a victim role myself I was able to come out of my broken state, with the support of other people. Reconnecting with ourselves is crucial in this regard.

116. No matter how broken we may feel we can always turn it around and put ourselves together again because the truth is we are never broken, just not connected with ourselves.

     1. Very true Elizabeth, we are always whole but sometimes we can forget this and it can lead us to think we are broken when in fact we are perfectly intact, and when we understand how amazing we are it is then very easy to reconnect to ourselves.

117. “we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole” – This is an amazing reminder that it’s impossible to have pictures about what feeling ‘whole’, content or joyful looks like, because it is established as a quality within us first and foremost, which can then be expressed in relationships with anyone, not just a partner.

118. “…Whilst we all have patterns of behaviour, these patterns or ways of relating CAN change but it doesn’t mean it is the end of the relationship. ..” A great statement that shatters an unconscious construct of putting up with the way things are.

119. A True relationship recognises the essence or yoke and if we do not bring a focus to that tender area of our life you could end up with scrambled egg. Then when we stay true it is as if the yoke is hard boiled but at the same time is tender and fragile. So holding our tenderness and fragility has nothing to do with hardening but it bring a solidness that allows us to build True relationships.

120. ‘…ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.’ this is brilliant and allows us to evolve our relationships with the understanding of what is truly happening.

121. “Having someone not need you anymore is both confronting and liberating.”
     This is something that every parent goes through when their child grows up and eventually leaves the home and many parents find themselves feeling un-needed so they tend to try to foster codependent type relationships with their kids leading up to their kid’s departure. But this feeling of emptiness or need to be needed really is sometimes based on a lack of self appreciation for not only who they are without having to do anything to prove how good they are as a parent, but also for all the ways that they have supported their children to develop in a way that enables them to be themselves fully and be able to be self sufficient too. This way of appreciation can liberate one from that co-dependent state that does not honour either person involved.

     1. It also shows that we have filled our lives up with things but never truly with ourselves and brought all of who we are to life, instead waiting for life to deliver us something and when those things go – we are left to feel the void of what we have held back.

122. What a beautiful understanding of the importance and natural relationship with ourself first and foremost and from there a deep love and knowing in relationships with others is our natural and fully loving way. “we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.” is very beautiful to know.

123. Joel great what you share, many relationships are based on need and security rather then than building one’s own self and appreciation of what we each bring to a relationship. I used to have relationships on need and security, it was so suffocating. Now my relationship with my partner is based on truth and what we both bring to it. There is more depth of love and appreciation.

     1. What I have noticed is that when I bring need to my relationships it is very suffocating and I also disempower myself because I am focused on needing things to be a certain way and investing everything into that instead of staying true to myself and being prepared to observe, pull things up, express everything regardless of the outcome.

124. Great point about us sometimes we are more identified with the pattern than to the truth of who we are.

125. ‘So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person’. This is a transformative teaching; an invitation to stay steady and focused (no throwing the baby out with the bathwater), embracing the opportunity and responsibility we have to turn things around within and for ourselves, which then changes everything in our lives.

     1. This is a big learning- to let go of the pattern but not the person.

126. We may never know the true beauty two people can experience together and reflect to the world in their relationship until we clear those needs and allow ourselves to fully embody our true essence. It’s so worth doing though. I had a session today with my Esoteric Practitioner and that’s exactly what came up for me, how many needs, conditions, and expectations I had placed in others and on my own love. Having the support to clear this through counselling and Universal Medicine Therapies means I have a very different view now of relationships and people and feel more free to express my love to all without condition. I’m a work in progress but it feels amazing to have cleared this.

127. As it’s natural to grow, then we do need to allow for different ways to relate without it being the dramatic fall of the relationship (or the Humpty Dumpty) into pieces. I can very much relate to everything shared, to clinging onto patterns for security, both within myself and with others. There is a real trust needed to take the next step into something that feels unknown but true and loving, versus what feels familiar, even if what feels familiar is restrictive and not supportive, we still may cling to it.

128. ‘…it was a model of codependence’ this feels totally out of sync with how relationships can be once you have experienced the alternative of being to complete people choosing to live in harmony in a relationship together.

129. Today I was appreciating the relationship with a couple of people I’ve known many years and how it’s unrecognisable to how it used to be. Since I’ve stopped demanding they meet my needs in the way I want and I’ve taken responsibility for myself, there is understanding, a deep love and appreciation for them. Our relationship used to be very volatile- hurts bouncing off more hurts and wounding ourselves even deeper – and I certainly blamed the other person because I was the one who was right! I know many relationships where people dearly love each other but hurts get in the way, so this really is amazing to put into practice and love people whether they choose to relate person to person, or if they want to limit the relationship and relate from their hurt.

130. We are in relationship all of the time, with ourselves, others, our work etc…. Confining ourselves to a ‘twosome relationship’ being the be all and end all, is simply not how it works.

131. There is so much delivered in this- one that when we develop relationships based on need and security it caps us and can be suffocating and secondly, looking at how much we rely on patterns and put these above relationships themselves. I can feel that I have something within me, an anxiety and that I always need to have a tension within my life, this is really coming to the surface at the moment to be let go of, but I can feel that I have so often held onto the issue or tension instead of valuing the person and relationship enough to let it go.

132. Seeing a pattern for what it really is and saying no to it and not accepting it any longer can be difficult for someone else involved but what I am learning is it is the way that I share how it is no longer what I am going to accept. That we deserve so much more and that is what we can have.

     1. I’ve often held back from pointing out an unloving pattern which involves me and another because I’ve mis-interpreted the ‘those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’. I know pointing out unloving patterns with love is love. To not say anything is allowing what’s not love to continue unabated. And in pointing out unloving behaviours I know I am setting an example for others’ to do likewise which is great. I have many patterns of behaviours that are unloving and someone taking the care, actually no matter how it is delivered, supports me to know being unloving is not ok either and I cannot continue being irresponsible.

133. It’s interesting learning a new way of relating that is more true. I have been consciously learning true relationship with the people who are close to me. It feels healthy to drop the need and focus on building a stronger connection with myself from which to relate to others.

134. It is clear to me as I have been building a relationship with myself how my relationships/friendships were built from need. From connection and relationship with myself brings a foundation of this to my relationships and a steadiness rather than need.

135. “we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole”. If I had had this wisdom presented to me many years ago I know that life would have been so very different. I would not have been walking around convinced that I needed another to make me a whole person, that I needed another’s wing so I could ‘fly’ and that I would break into a thousand pieces if the other person left me. To understand that my first and most important relationship is the one I have with me has certainly shattered all those destructive beliefs.

136. Love the reality you bring here Joel…” that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” How many of us believe that changing the way we relate to another/others has to be the end of a relationship – which is so not true if both parties are willing to take responsibility and to change.

137. “It is the more that I want the relationship with, so that is what is offered.” I love this we don’t want to have a relationship that is based on the patterns we have because ultimately this is not who we are. The thing is that we are often thinking we are our patterns and from there we look for a partner with their patterns and seek matching ones, yet all this is never a true relationship with each other, the more that we innately and constantly are.

     1. So true Lieke… that we think of ourselves as the patterns, and seek another with matching patterns – when in essence we are innately the same, and when we connect to that essence, there are no patterns – we are all equal.

138. It is strange to think that the person we have committed our life to is the one that we end up claiming we do not love like we used to when we first met them. I have found that when this is the case there has already been judgement thrown on the fire that has long ago dulled the flames of love that were burning strongly.

     1. It’s a great comment Joshua because we begin with love, then the needs and demands come in and if they are not met we may cut the love. Then we expect the other to the deliver the love we have cut ourselves off from. What a complicated game!

139. Such wisdom, Joel, to take into life and relationships – “if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well.” If we constantly bear this in mind, it supports us to be more expansive and meet with one another from our essence.

140. Joel, thanks for sharing this; ‘Whilst we all have patterns of behaviour, these patterns or ways of relating CAN change but it doesn’t mean it is the end of the relationship’, it is beautiful to have this understanding, openness and flexibility in a relationship so that it can grow and develop rather than stay stuck and the same.

     1. Very true – there is such a richness on offer when we realise that we can change the way we relate as opposed to ending the relationship.

141. We are all so much more that our ‘patterns’ is such a profound realisation. Patterns are so constricting and limited, like being shackled and when we let these go there seems to be no limit to the possibilities. This is a choice we make, no-one else can free us of what binds us.

142. I just love how you have written this Joel and how it all comes back to our steady and consistent relationship with ourselves and how this is what sees us through any unstable situations and we can handle pretty much anything.

143. I recently recognise a behaviour that plays out in all my relationships, it is not supportive or loving. It is related to having expectations and then feeling very frustrated, let down and even angry when they are not met. I realise it is like I create these expectations so I can have a tantrum when I don’t get what I want, it pushes people away, cuts off any form of connection and leaves everyone around me feeling tensed, awful and wanting to run a mile. I am beginning to see that these expectations in relationships is like a setup I create to deliberately destroy any potential of evolution in my relationships. This is one behaviour I have now become aware of and it has been playing out for years, but I am working on letting it go, to stop sabotaging and delaying my and other’s evolution.

144. We become secure in what we know, but what we know and are comfortable with is not the all life could be, and in holding on we are missing out on the grandness of life

     1. It’s true Rebecca, the equivalent would be planting seeds and watching plants grow but at a point they stop growing and refuse to come to full maturity and blossom. We would all be missing out on so much if every plant in the world stunted its growth, yet that’s what we do, we reach a point of comfort and stunt our growth and the whole world misses out on the shared beauty of who we are. We could be a garden of 7 billion plus human beings filled with love and emanating the beauty of the Universe together. Let’s keep growing.

        1. I agree – or a bud that is just ready to burst into full and beautiful bloom, holding itself back because all it has ever known is being a bud and being a flower feels different and unknown – and yet while it will be different, it might just be more glorious

145. Making our relationships about patterns is an arrangement, a contract with comfort, function and in turn stagnancy, what’s so crazy is that by choosing this cloudiness we are unable to see one anothers true colours, avoiding our unique qualities that when lived side by side make life so full of shared learning & appreciation, the activity and flow of two glorious angels.

146. I love this… “I no longer break when I fall.” Yes, building a solid foundation for ourselves means that we don’t crumble when we have a crisis, and we are totally capable of putting ourselves together again if we do.

     1. Awesome Rebecca. Being able to stay solid and hold our steadiness in any situation is a blessing for everyone.

147. It certainly should be a well known fact that we don’t have to be in a relationship to feel whole but instead we get caught up in ideals and beliefs and get the true purpose of relationships so wrong.

148. “The very foundation of our relationship was based on a needed security,” like you Joel the relationships I had were all based on a false premise and a need to get something for myself. Finding my own way in life so I do not have a need from another has made all the difference so that my relationships are solid and building from an honest platform.

149. “For the longest time, relationships were a scary thing for me. I didn’t want to be alone… but found it hard to be with others”. I suspect most of us if we are really honest have this uncomfortable alliance in our relationships. We fear being lonely but don’t relate to each other very well. This seems to set up a melting pot of needs, compromise and unresolved tensions. First we have to want to be with ourselves before we can really want to be with anyone else for genuine reasons.

150. ‘Having someone not need you anymore is both confronting and liberating.’ yes it allows you to feel where your part has been in it, the part that met the need and where this came from within you.. And then liberating in allowing this to be released and for you to be you, setting a new foundation for the relationship.

151. “In the past relationships were a security blanket and a way of belonging – in fact a need to belong. My wife and I had even attended couples counselling workshops and sessions where we were told, and fully accepted, that we were each angels with only one wing and could only fly by holding each other.” I recall observing so many couples over my life that were totally dependant on each other, even though I could not feel there was any true love between them. This always seemed odd to me, as I could not understand how two people could stay together if there was no true love present. But this is exactly how we have been conditioned to be as your example so clearly shows Joel, that we are only complete if we have a partner by our side. Thank goodness for Serge Benhayon who has shown so many that we are enough just as we are, and that to be in a relationship just allows us the reflection that we can be ‘more’ of who we are, and even more by virtue of the union of the relationship, but that we dont ‘need’ another to complete us.

152. I saw so clearly from reading this today how patterns can blind us from seeing the truth and that sometimes these patterns bind us so deeply that the truth feels like a planet far far away. Hats off to you both for looking at your patterns and returning to the truth.

153. I love the analogy Joel, of how when we are solid in our relationships with ourselves there is no need for a whole lot of emotional cushioning from others. Rather instead of condemning ourselves in our mistakes we can choose to hold ourselves in a tenderness.

154. “Ending a way of relating is different than ending a relationship” How often do we confuse the two or don’ even realise that there is a distinct difference. This can be said for any relationship, not just our partners. I have rarely had the experience of being in a fight or an argument. I recently experienced this and it really knocked me sideways. I didn’t know how to be with this person afterward. But as I reflect on what has been shared here is that this was highlighting the way we had been relating and the offering here (and still is) for us to evolve this. Not necessarily to end this.

155. “Whilst we all have patterns of behaviour, these patterns or ways of relating CAN change but it doesn’t mean it is the end of the relationship.“ I was one to think that when some patterns in the relationships I have get exposed to not be true love, that the only way out is to end the relationship but I am learning this is not true and it’s very evolving to work on letting go of the patterns and what is not true by and whilst staying in the relationship.

156. “we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within” This is such a beautiful knowing that changes everything allowing a deep sense of contentment inside and a settlement that cannot be truly rocked and is more easily restored.

157. I find with clients that when they grow and expand to be more of their true selves quite often their partners and families will have a reaction to this or go through a period of adjustment. They may even feel threatened by the changes and feel the relationship is on the rocks. Your words, Joel, ring so true with regards to this – “ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship”.

158. “Having someone not need you anymore is both confronting and liberating.” Anything that is liberating is usually confronting at first. It means a change of perspective and understanding, coming out of old familiar patterns and learning something new. Confronting and liberating.

159. It is an interesting part of learning to being in relationships, where there can be this deep sense of vulnerability and yet not feel the need to be protected. I am learning that the more open and honest I am with the vulnerability that I feel – either just with myself or with the other person – this can give a sense of great space for that relationship to be supportive and caring without being co-dependent and needy. Because somehow the protection that we can put up as barriers against getting hurt due to feeling vulnerable actually seem to be what brings most situations of hurt towards us, and in the sometimes desperate attempts to avoid that impending hurt we can become very needy of the other person to act in certain ways. This has been my observation anyway, and it all seems to lead to the fact that we can be openly vulnerable with each other without needing anything from the other person because vulnerability is not a state to be avoided or condemned, it is actually a place of honesty and thus of great strength – where no protection is required.
     So, to be openly vulnerable is actually to be safe.

160. It is so amazing to be able to look at and highlight patterns in relationships and if in the relationship we are willing to let go of patterns that do not support us or each other, it is one of the most beautiful and intimate experiences.

161. It is so amazing to be able to look at and highlight patterns in relationships and if in the relationship we are willing to let go of patterns that do not support us or each other, it is one of the most beautiful and intimate experiences.

162. Letting go of the idea that we can only be whole when we are with someone in a relationship is very empowering and loving. It allows us to expose another level of lie we/society have held around being in a relationships.

163. I agree – it is truly liberating to let go of any need we may have of another.

164. Sometimes it is a setup – we sit as Humpty on the edge of a ledge and wait for something to wobble us. Then when it does we quite happily fall down. We then complain but we are the ones who sat on the ledge waiting.

165. You bring a great insight into relationships Joel. It is beautiful to appreciate someone and choose to be in relationship with them without the emotional neediness that keeps the relationship stuck and non-evolving.

166. ‘Whilst we all have patterns of behaviour, these patterns or ways of relating CAN change but it doesn’t mean it is the end of the relationship. At times it feels like the pattern is all there is and we become fixated on fixing the other person.’ – We are so used to identifying with our patterns that most of the time we don’t even question it but take it for granted that we don’t have a choice but to succumb to our reactions.

167. When we rediscover that our relationship with ourselves is paramount and the foundation of any other relationships we have with others that never requires us to sit on a wall and choose to be less.

168. ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole’ – This is very true, yet there is a common understanding that if we are not married or in an intimate relationship we have somehow failed or we are missing out. Speaking of experience, I have often had sympathy expressed towards me because I have for many years chosen to be single.

     1. It is so interesting exposing the beliefs we hold so strongly in society. When I come across a tightly held belief in me, there is fear or protection lying behind it.

169. This has been a pattern of mine, “I felt that if something went wrong in a relationship, it meant it was the end of the relationship… “couldn’t put Humpty together again.””, and it has contributed to me being wary of going into relationships, holding on to a belief of what was going to inevitably happen. This is the most brilliant blog that shows what we perceive as hiccups or bumps in the road can actually be an opportunity to relate in a different more loving way…supporting a relationship with ourselves and others to grow and evolve.

     1. Yes, our unresolved hurts make us shut down and protect ourselves, which is quite the opposite to the openness and loving support we truly long for.

170. ‘The very foundation of our relationship was based on a needed security,’ – You are describing the reality of many relationships here Joel.

     1. Security is responsible for a lot of ill choices and the them consequences to health and well being. We are taught by society from day one to seek security over growth and truth.

171. A simple line hidden away jumped out at me this morning.. “When we connect to that wholeness we can then choose to be in a relationship or not.” This feels so important that this is where we start, our relationship with connecting to all of ourselves, before entering into a relationship with another. Our first choice is to know we have everything within us and not seek anything from the outside or another person.

172. The beauty about being in greater relationship with self is that it brings an inner strength… a knowing that can hold those all-important, tricky, uncomfortable reflections from another in relationship that is forever asking us to grow, expand and be more love. Without this, we let our relationships fail and end up walking away.

173. Thank you Joel for this revealing sharing . I feel you are very clear and connected with the way relationships
     work and the need for us not to be set in our beliefs, but rather open to looking within for the answers.

     1. Yes. What I love about Joel’s writing is how inspiring and inviting he makes taking responsibility feel.

174. I think this is really important for all of us to understand ‘But if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well.’ That is although we may have them (patterns) in truth we are not them therefore this can change with awareness and willingness. A great sharing especially in showing even if you have been in a relationship for years and may think it is ending this too can be completely turned around and changed. This also highlights the importance of having a solid, true and loving relationship with ourselves first to provide the foundation for all of our other relationships.

     1. Once the relationship with ourselves is solid every other relationship benefits – makes sense!

175. Its interesting to ponder on how we can be more committed to a pattern of living than being ourselves in a relationship. Patterns provide us with something familiar, something safe, even though they may not be healing or evolving for the person. A true relationship opens us up to the possibility that we are more than what we are currently living. We all have patterns of living life, to varying degrees. Making a commitment to see them more clearly is only going to bring more openness to any relationship.

176. “At a Universal Medicine workshop many years ago, we were presented with a simple truth… we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.” This absolutely blows the more accepted idea of relationships and that we need a partner ‘to complete us’ out of the water. To know that we are enough just as we are, and to take this into a relationship literally transforms the way we are with each other and allows the other the space to be who they are without judgement. If we all lived this way, I wonder how differently divorce statistics would read today.

177. I totally get this, about needing a relationship as a security blanket. I used to use the relationships I was in as a way to feel safe, a place to hide away in – including all the dramas and conflicts that I would equally create and hide in as well. Relationships used to be nothing short of a battle ground in one way or another… Until I met with Serge Benhayon and began to attend Universal Medicine presentations, where I have begun to learn the value of integrity in relationship, of true intimacy in relationship of vulnerability and transparency, that is – letting all your faults been seen and accepted. Relationships now have a depth to them that I never imagined possible, as well as a level of care and love for which I am constantly in wonderment and awe.

178. I have had experiences where I suddenly feel like the relationship I am in is not working at all and so I will get thoughts of wanting to end it – but when I get to realise that it is the way that I am in the relationship that needs to change (and not that it is about getting rid of the relationship), then I get the learning and the growth, which indeed is very powerful. What a blessing to realise this and not end something that holds such immense potential for growth all of the time.

179. I have a bit of a habit of “throwing the baby out with the bathwater” – in other words, when I feel something is not working then I ditch the whole thing rather than stopping to see what parts of it are ok to ‘keep’ and what parts are the parts that need to go. If the foundation is solid, then there is much that can still be ‘salvaged’, and if the foundation is not solid then it is something that reveals itself with time.

180. Could it be our so called weakness are actually or strengths when we understand how energy works and why words have been misinterpreted to keep us from our true power?

181. It is complete irresponsibility to place our issues on the shoulders of another. The growth of my relationship with my wife has been in tune and secondary to the growth within myself.

182. The relationship that begins with our first breath is that with ourself, and it is the relationship that stays with us through every breath, but is strangely often the one not fostered, or perhaps even recognised. Serge Benhayon offers a deep understanding of this relationship and through that development all of our relationships can blossom.

183. Luckily enough we are no Humpty Dumpty as we can be put together or actually it is our process of healing and evolution to come back to the completeness that we are. As long as we choose to be a Humpty Dumpty we are simply playing a game of being less.

184. It is immense to take the ‘need’ out of a relationship and to approach being with someone else from a place of wholeness. Wholeness is very different to perfection which I understand to be an always out of reach ideal… wholeness is a quality of relationship with oneself that is steady, developing, respectful and complete in any moment, whilst always open to the next step and all the learning on offer. This takes the need for someone else to fix anything for us and the being in a relationship is simply another beautiful opportunity to learn more.

185. You make an important distinction between ending a relationship and ending a set way to relate because it no longer serves and supports us. The latter means that we can move on and rebuild as long as both partners are willing.

186. ‘I didn’t want to be alone… but found it hard to be with others.’ – I am pretty sure you are speaking for a very large group of people here Joel, I certainly used to have this issue over a long period of my life.

187. Yes, Joel, I used to crave being on my own, but when I was I felt lonely, such is the case when we do not firstly have a deep and consistent relationship with ourselves that we feel settled in.

188. ‘For the longest time, relationships were a scary thing for me. I didn’t want to be alone… but found it hard to be with others.’ I find it interesting that in our lack of relationship with ourselves we struggle in relationship with all others. The tension in what you are sharing here is intensely palpable. How remarkable and inspiring therefore that you have come to a point in life where you have healed all of that and are enjoying not only a much more rewarding and intimate relationship with yourself, but no doubt as a consequence, a much more rewarding and intimate relationship with all others too.

189. We are led to believe that we are ‘alone’ because we are seen as one person with no-one else around or living with us… and yet we are never alone because everything we ever need is within us – everything we could possibly need or want is innately within for us to connect or re-connect with.

190. Isn’t it ironic that many of us don’t want to be ‘alone’ but find it a challenge being with others, especially intimately with another… and yet our natural and innate way of being is to be in relationship – with people, nature, the Universe.

     1. Yes, we have managed to completely twist our innate qualities and turned something simple and natural into something that a lot of people find very complicated and challenging.

     2. Isn’t it ironic that many of us don’t want to be ‘alone’ but find it very challenging to be in relationship with ourselves, artfully avoiding quiet, intimate, reflective moments with ourselves when we get to know the whys and wherefores of our choices and behaviour.

191. I didn’t have that attitude towards relationships specifically, but that was my general attitude towards life… if I did something wrong my whole world would come crashing down and depression would kick in.

192. Could it be possible that when we find our true wings we prefer to have the small odd crack or Two so we fit in with the rest of eggs?

     1. Or maybe we like to be like an easter egg that everyone is searching for but we stay hidden and out of sight instead being in our shining shell and living with our emanation that reflects the Light and Love we all are.

193. Changing relationships from being ‘security blankets’ to ones of expansion, growth, intimacy and development brings freedom, light, love and joy to living.

194. I agree that sometimes it feels like the pattern is all there is, because it is all we’ve lived for so long, but to know whilst we all have patterns of behaviour, these patterns CAN change, it just needs commitment to switching our priorities and going where it is not initially comfortable.

195. Stepping away from the patterns we have created in our relationship with ourselves means we are free to start again, without the hindrances that kept us away from a truly fuller life, a life where love is the foundation. As we build a steady flow for ourselves we naturally bring this to our other relationships, although there may still be old ways wanting to draw us back. Coming back to true love and not comfort or security in these moments supports us to evolve.

196. When we develop a solid relationship with our self, there is nowhere to fall from or too.

197. Today I’m aware reading this how I have patterns of relating to me which no longer fit and at times I can feel like it will be the end of me to let them go, slightly dramatic but in fact it’s not true. So I’m here considering where are those parts where I am not being the whole me I can be and where I have a way in how I am which is old and no longer fits (if it ever did), now I can see that letting and them go will not in fact be the ‘death of me’ but a new and deeper more solid way of being and relating to myself.

198. ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.’ We are wholly responsible for our own evolution.

     1. Realising and living this and we then have true confidence, which is presence.

199. What you are offering is truly valuable, knowing the difference between the end of a relationship and the end of a way of relating can be tricky at times but when you know you have much more to learn and evolve with a person, it only seems right to continue to explore that.

200. I am realising more and more the solidness and stability in life of our true relationship with ourselves firstly, and the building of this is the foundation for all relationships and purpose in our life, with the responsibility we all hold with one another in the oneness of us all in full.

201. When we connect to ourselves in full we not only appreciate and honour who we are by the choices and movements we make, but we also then have the opportunity to share this joy with other people and that then takes the needs and or reliance on another person and brings a true connection of what love, community and relationships can really be.

202. We can do both, keeping safe by being in a relationship or by being on our own. In both cases I am avoiding being in a true relationship with myself first, the rest is just the logical consequence. Hence it is about our commitment to deepen within ourselves, that naturally transforms the quality of being in relationship with others. While we are reacting to others, we have the perfect distraction from attending to ourselves with the love and understanding we are actually longing for.

203. ‘ But if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well. It is the more that I want the relationship with, so that is what is offered.’ We are more than our patterns and we can break out of them at any time, especially when someone offers this so openly. There’s nothing stopping us from offering this to ourselves too.

204. ‘We do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole’, This teaching by Serge Benhayon changed my life as I had always thought that I needed another to full fill me, whether that be a partner or best friend. I now realize that all I need is the whole me and then my relationships form from a very different foundation, not one of need, they constellate for a purpose.

205. The more solid and settled we feel in ourselves, and the less we look outside for attention, the easier it is to walk steady through changes, issues or rocky patches in relationships, and be able to see a change in the way a relationship expresses or looks like does not mean an end to love.

206. A beautiful understanding of true relationships opposed to the arrangements based on security and need. What an amazing loving difference this makes and allows us so much growth, expansion and love with ourselves and each other, thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine bringing ground breaking honesty to us all, with absolute lived love and support.

207. This is a simple truth that I would love every single one of my young clients to embrace – ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within’. I observe such desperate seeking of acceptance and approval by young people from their peers, especially online nowadays, that they seem to not even consider that everything they require to feel whole is already there inside them.

208. Thank you Joel, when I zoom out of life and see the bigger picture – I wonder with all of me why on earth do I get upset? Why do I get uptight? When everything is just a small part of this magnificent play? Why do I get serious, when I can enjoy and smile and receive life’s latest lessons about being a guy? Yes we are sensitive, and feel things so intently, but there’s no need to focus on specks of dirt and pin pricks when you are a 24 carat diamond. It’s time we saw ourselves as the gems we are and stopped getting things scrambled.

209. Something so fundamental like confirming to someone that THEY are enough, amazing, incredible regardless of whether or not they have a relationship can make a seismic shift in that person’s life. We don’t appreciate the power of simply expressing…

     1. Well said, Susie. We don’t appreciate the power of simply expressing and appreciating… honestly, respectfully and openly with ourselves and others.

210. I love what you share here Joel, that ‘ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.’ We shed our old patterns (like a butterfly shedding the case of its chrysalis) at our own rate, and sometimes that is different from the timing of our partner.As we develop at different stages, it can be confronting, but when we know we are not better or worse than our partner, we can support each other with the love we are as we change our way of relating to each other by holding each other in love. The relationship can only deepen with love.

211. Joel, this is really lovely, actually wanting to be with other person and not being with them out of need and security or familiarity; ‘no longer needing to be with the other person but appreciating what they brought to our life so deeply that the choice to be in a relationship with them was a no-brainer’.

212. Being dependent in a relationship (aka being an angel with only one wing that needs the other to fly) makes it impossible for a true relationship to unfold. When two whole beings come together to share life – that’s a whole other story.

213. “So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person. The hard part can be that some people are more committed to that pattern of relating than they are to the relationship.” There is such wisdom in this sentence Joel, and it offers such a fresh and honest way of approaching any relationship. If we are willing to look at how we relate to each other, rather than putting all our expectations into any outcome, this could change the face of our relationships and with everyone we meet.

214. Changing a pattern of behaviour can sometimes feel like a death because we have so identified ourselves as the pattern, to let go of the pattern and realise we are much more than the pattern which is just a behaviour, as you say it can be confronting but also liberating.

215. Yes, Joel, I used to live in protection because it felt like if a relationship went wrong it would be the end of the world, and I wasn’t prepared to risk that. Universal Medicine is the best medicine of all, as it supports us to deal with our hurts and re-establish a steady sense of self that is not reliant on the outside world, but on the connection to our soulful essence.

216. Gone is the ‘throwing all the toys out of the pram’ every time anything doesn’t go quite right… knowing the opportunity to learn and grow from challenges that come up, we get to deepen and enrich our relationships.

217. ‘So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person’. If we are forever in a relationship with everyone then what you have shared is an incredible truth. We never stop being in relationship but the way we are in a relationship can stop and a new way of being can begin.  

218. “My relationship with me is so solid I no longer break when I fall”. Appreciating this constantly is key for me and the other aspect is permission to ‘fall’ so to speak because I also have wings and the landing will be supported if I’m loving and appreciating me and my humanness.

219. By and large, we have a primary relationship with our patterns, which we bring into every relationship and we call them us. We find comfort in a way or relating to others that is deeply familiar to us. And, yet, we are not truly in relationship with us.

     1. Yes, Eduardo, I agree and this is why the teachings of Universal Medicine are so important but not always popular – they help us to relinquish the hold of our old patterns and become our true selves again in full.

220. Yes just like when something goes wrong in our life it is not the end of our life, just the end of that kind of life we were living and so too it is with relationships. Even though it can be challenging I find these moments always bring the most growth.

221. Eggs are funny things when we press from the sides they crack and break easily, but when you press from end to end the strength required to break them is astronomical. This is a lot like us when we tap into our Inner-Most nothing can crack us but when we loose our way we become very easily broken down!

222. I like how you express the end of a behaviour is not the end of a relationship, and I agree many problems in relationships stem from the fact that we are not solid and firm in our relationships with ourselves first and foremost, it’s such a vital ingredient for us to be able to hold steady during periods of change and in the many lessons relationships provide us with.

223. We may all be fragile and delicate but so is a puzzle with all its interlocking pieces and like us, we can never lose a single piece for we are all complete, we just occasionally think we fall into pieces.

     1. And may I add Steve that our Fragility and Delicateness are our strengths and support us endlessly, which is why it is imperative to understand the True meaning of words.

224. Very beautiful!

225. It can be very uncomfortable and confronting when things come up in relationships and there is a change to the dynamic or foundation. But it can be a great time of healing and growth and despite the challenges I definitely prefer this to living in stagnant relationships that are locked in their patterns and arrangements and not growing or deepening.

226. “…I was Humpty Dumpty laying shattered on the ground, until I realised that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” This is super cute! And very inspiring. We often think that it’s the end of the world when something familiar changes, but ultimately it’s an open door for greater things. greater awareness and an opportunity for something different that may just be so much better than our current reality.

227. It is beautiful to reflect on how I have been in relationships and where I am today, especially in my relationship with my husband. I realise that I had placed my relationship with my husband before my relationship with myself and so if anything happened I felt as though my whole world fell apart! I can feel today how extremely suffocating and detrimental it is to any relationship to live in this way and I would still be living this way if I hadn’t come across Universal Medicine. The changes have been incredible, all because of the choices I have aligned to in taking responsibility for myself and the way I choose to live.

228. When a relationship ends the reality of what it was is typically more acutely felt, that is, what the foundation of the relationship was/is becomes more obvious.

229. “…I realised that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship…” This is a great statement, as it brings one to realise just how much relationships are held together by patterns. An ending of a pattern does not mean the end of a relationship, but an opportunity to evolve for each person and their relationship.

     1. Yes it can mean the ‘end of the relationship’ as we know it or as it was before but if the knowing of the deep connection and potential is felt and honoured and both people are committed to that, then another more loving, more raw and more honest relationship is revealed and born out of the ashes of the old.

230. I’m wondering what’s led me to believe that humpty dumpty couldn’t be put back together again – is that when I’ve seen people react to things said that they feel are hurtful they’ve shut down and stayed in reaction? What if I don’t shut down when I’ve felt hurt but stayed willing to remain in relationship? Sometimes it’s felt painful and vulnerable and there have been thoughts there saying why should I be the one who’s open to love, but ultimately I’m seeing how hurts don’t completely rule me when I am open, that I can see beyond them to a bigger picture and the beauty of others.

231. I always found this tale of Humpty Dumpty so disturbing as a child. Firstly why was there a person who was an egg and why was he sitting on a wall? Not to mention the horrific subsequent and unalterable smashing that swiftly occurred soon after. On the one hand it seems to send us a message that it not ‘safe’ to leave the security of the confines we have constructed around us as symbolised by the wall, the climbing of it to sit on it and seeing what lies beyond it, and the seeming disaster awaiting on ‘the other side’, yet on the other hand it speaks to us about our fragility and the strength that lives within us when we allow ourselves to scale to new heights. The smashed egg being a symbol for the change on offer when we allow one cycle of expression or way of relating to the world to complete so we can embrace the next. I’m going with your version Joel, far less nightmarish and much more empowering!

232. ‘At times it feels like the pattern is all there is….’ I know this one. To be able to change oneself rather than fixating on wanting the other person to change – would be good to have been aware of this earlier in my life!

233. “…..ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.”
     History repeating itself, I assumed that it was acceptable for me to hold my relationships to ransom, to expect to have my needs met and regularly tussle with what my partner was not.
     Unearthing and developing a more honest & loving relationship with myself has offered me the space to observe and appreciate the unending love and learning of self responsibility, the opportunity to relate from love.

234. Love is unconditional – it does not carry one ounce of need. We are attracted to a certain type of person / relationship from need, a completely different type of person / relationship is pulled towards us from love.

235. Relationships provide the most awesome reflections when we are open to exploring our own reactions and not seeking to change anybody else.

     1. Brilliantly said. Wonderful to note that love allows us to stay present and observe the lessons that are there before us even though many times I want to ignore and dismiss or run away.

236. I love reading this Joel and there is so much you can take away from what you are sharing and implement into our own lives. I know that one where we want to hold onto the pattern for dear life but when you cut it free you are blown away by the freedom it gives you. Super empowering. I totally agree that this comes from a solid foundation and relationship within.

237. I was feeling that the protection we use often makes us harden just like the egg – in dropping protection it’s like we become an egg which will bounce and not break.

238. Deep appreciation of ourselves and each other invites us to recognise and accept how amazing we truly are, making it easier to identify and let go of the behaviours and patterns that we are not, that have burdened us for far too long.

239. ‘The hard part can be that some people are more committed to that pattern of relating than they are to the relationship.’ …. we always have a choice in each and every movement to choose love, or not. Everyone has the same opportunity to decide for themselves ….. if someone’s choice is to cling to their known pattern of relating and resist the opportunity to ‘be more’ of who they truly are, that is their choice and our responsibility to allow them the grace to choose, without judgment and it’s then our choice as to how we move forward from there …..

240. It has been such a game changer for me to realize I do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole. The searching outside myself could stop after this realization. On my own I am whole and I can share that and deepen that but nothing or no-one outside is needed.

241. That’s the thing, we are by nature very sensitive and even minute forms of disharmony disturb us, so yes it can feel like we are being cracked open when things don’t quite fit the picture, but the fullness of our essence within is never touched by such such unfavoured events.

242. “Having someone not need you anymore is both confronting and liberating.” – So true Joel. We like to identify ourselves with roles and the fact that people ‘need us’, but in a way this makes all of our love, time and support conditional, which is in fact a huge reduction of what we can offer in our relationships.

243. We may not be physically fragile as Humpty Dumpty, our fragility is emotionally. Build a loving, solid relationship with oneself and then, as you say Joel, we will grow our own wings and we will “no longer need ‘all the kings’ men’”.

244. Learning to appreciate each other for who they are and what each one brings to the relationship stops all the the neediness and issues that we can use to justify a relationship and make it look like we are making changes and moving on. It is not always easy to appreciate each other when we get caught in an issue but this is all part of the learning in building a true and loving relationship.

245. Joel, this is beautiful; ‘More importantly, we also brought an appreciation of what we offered, because we knew more about who we were!’ I used to be very insecure when starting a new relationship, I can feel that this is because I did not know and appreciate all that I bring.

246. “I didn’t want to be alone… but found it hard to be with others.” That’s an interesting dilemma Joel that highlights the key ingredient; connection to oneself – never alone, and always at ease with others.

247. We are not our patterns and when we can see past this in ourselves and in others, we allow for true healing.

248. There are endless opportunities to re-define our relationships, put a stop to what is not working and focus on what is.

249. I love how you say relating differently to each other does not need to be the end of the relationship, in fact this is not possible anyway, because we still relate, and as you say simply differently, then.

250. Because Universal Medicine comes from the Ancient Wisdom, it has a way of bringing truth to all those half truths and semi truths that are there to keep us off track and in a muddled state of separation.

251. ‘Having someone not need you anymore is both confronting and liberating’ …. it’s also exposing, when someone gives you the space to just be who you are in a relationship, it’s like being naked, the cloth that has kept so much covered for so long is removed, lovingly revealing the truth of all that is there, underneath.

252. It’s great to let go of the ‘security blanket’ and re-instate the real deal – our connection with ourselves. The security blanket isn’t a cute look once past a certain age and stage in life – and becomes so tattered and worn it actually stops offering the imagined support it was imbued with.

253. ‘This meant no longer needing to be with the other person but appreciating what they brought to our life so deeply that the choice to be in a relationship with them was a no-brainer.’ ….. it feels so divine reading this, Joel. How beautiful to be in a relationship with someone who treasures you for who you are, with no expectations or needs, just an appreciation of you and the joy felt in being together.

254. How Egg-sighting when we re-connect we become solid but not in a ridged or hard boiled way we stay open and can respond to situations when confronted so our inner foundation is solid.

255. It is an amazing shift to make from taking every thing so personally and so to heart, to knowing and feeling a deep contentment inside that doesn’t rest on anyone else’s opinion, approval or agreement. Re-connecting to this contentment enables us to bring all of our selves to a relationship, not in search of a co-dependent deal, but full of fun, wisdom and grace to share.

256. I can relate to your: ‘I felt that if something went wrong in a relationship, it meant it was the end of the relationship…’ I had exactly the same, like everything changed when something went wrong and I had my radar on for that, waiting for it to happen. Whereas is was just an opportunity to look at things and let go of old hurts.

257. The co-dependency model, and tightly holding on to each other, only ends up being suffocating – there is no freedom and space for honesty and to express who we truly are.

258. Relationships ask us to grow constantly, and this happens through the challenges and the seeming difficulties that we face, but also the more subtle ways that we can be inspired by another and how they are and the qualities they bring… in fact when there is no longer a growth being offered then that is the time to begin worrying about things as it is likely that one has ‘switched off’ from self and the relationship with another that is on offer!

259. When we feel like we ‘break’, in other words when something goes ‘wrong’, we can be quick to blame another or others. But yet if we come to realise that we play an important part in what has constellated, then this openness alone offers us the path to handling the situation in the first place.

260. ‘…that pattern of relating…’ is what keeps us from being truly loving and thus truly connecting and relating from and with the fullness of what that actually means. It is self over us.

261. There will always be moments where something is not right by the virtue that we are not perfect. It is then how we deal with and approach that that we either grow and expand or be owned by the situation.

     1. The acceptance of imperfection and the always opportunity to learn and expand has been one of the greatest liberations in my life!

262. So true Joel, it is like we are cushioned and what once was a crisis is now handle by a simple honest response!

263. I find the explanation of inter dependency as being an angel with only one wing very revealing, and it opens up for me a deeper understanding of my relationship with my late husband. We did begin to work together with this before he died, but when I then met someone else I discovered the parts of me that were not resolved were there to be worked on again. We have to go through the whole journey whether we are in an intimate relationship or not. With any friendship the same tendencies will still be there. Are we depending on each other to fly, or do we come with both our wings open and so bring an equalness and lack of dependency?

264. All the talks I went to on relationships never truly made a difference until I listened to a presentation by Serge Benhayon who explained about our needs and how an ‘arrangement’ is where we fulfil each other’s needs but if one person develops a more loving relationship with themselves, the dynamic changes and people will either adjust and deepen their live or resist and run away.

265. We are meant to be in relationships and it isn’t as disastrous as Humpty Dumpty when we trust and allow.

266. “At a Universal Medicine workshop many years ago, we were presented with a simple truth… we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.” This was a revelation to me when I first heard it Joel, as although I had always felt I knew this on some level, I still looked for another to confirm me to make me feel whole. But to be that first, and then for two people to bring that to thier relationship offers a whole different opportunity for understanding, growth and expansion together.

267. ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.’ such a pearl of wisdom and the opposite to what the majority of us seem to be living, yet possible for us all to embrace.

268. We have learnt to become so reliant on those around us and our relationships with them to get a feeling for who we are, if we are liked, popular, funny, caring etc and they give us the love or attention we feel we need from the outside – and so when we feel a disturbance in these relationships and we feel them changing or breaking it can feel devastating, but in truth we do not need anything from anyone and can learn to love ourselves first and foremost, which means we are no longer at the mercy of anything outside of us

269. Jane I too can relate to this now, with a solid foundation with myself, I feel more solid than ever before.

270. ‘…because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.’ I love the honesty here about lack of perfection but that the first part of this statement confirms the potential for us all in being able to handle that lack of perfection with grace, equanimity, love and authority.

271. Appreciation of what we bring to the world and to every relationship is so important to the health of our relationships and definitely for me opens up more appreciation of others.

272. Joel absolutely love what you share in this blog about relationships. When we build a solid relationship with self first, then this foundation supports us with all our relationships. We can say no to abusive patterns and behaviors allowing ourselves and others to grow and expand.

273. ‘…ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.’ and this is so beautiful to realise and truly would support in so many other relationships so that we do not automatically move to the same old behaviours to hide from what may feel difficult at first.

274. Thank you Joel. I can see, and very much so in my own life, how there can be thoughts that come in to the mind which are focussed on blaming the other person, and then there can be a more responsible approach which is not only about resolving one’s issues, but also in feeling full of love for yourself and this seems to be the pure gold that awaits us when we re-connect to our soul when we are in relationships because when love is brought to a relationship and not needed from it, this gives room or space to grow together.

275. “we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within” – how liberating is that?

276. ‘because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall”. A precious quality to embody, one I can relate to and appreciate in myself for the first time.

277. When we have a need we are clinging to a picture and or belief held, this not only stalls our evolution but also holds others back too. Letting go of needs brings a greater opportunity to value who we are from our essence and then share this joy with all others, which holds everyone equally in this quality and it allows everyone to be just as they are, bringing expansion and ease to living.

278. Joel, this is a very empowering article, and how beautiful to be in a relationship because we see the qualities in another and want to be in this relationship, rather than being in a relationship for security. It makes sense that in order to have a true relationship with another we need to have a true and loving relationship with ourselves first.

279. How liberating it can be if we stop having a relationship with the patterns of someone and instead relate to one another from an inner strength that does not need anything but is open for more and take the opportunity of the relationship to grow and evolve instead of keeping one another imprisoned in the patterns we otherwise would have a relationship with.

280. What you share so beautifully Joel is the security that we have created in relationships and how this is what fuels them and as you say suffocates them. Freeing ourselves from this insecurity and building the love within ourselves is a game changer for all relationships.

281. ‘ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.’ – we know when something is not working, yet our fear of what we may loose if we let go can stop us from taking any action. However, this fear is not true, it’s a trap to keep us exactly where we are, incapacitated, knowing things are not working, but too scared to make a change. Nothing can be worse than living in a way that does not feel true and supportive. Allowing ourselves to share how we are feeling is the first step and this is often all it takes for shifts to take place that completely change the dynamic of the relationship.

282. ‘In the past relationships were a security blanket and a way of belonging – in fact a need to belong.’ … I know this feeling, yet, when we re-connect with our inner heart and allow ourselves to feel the fullness of all that we already are and all that we are a part of, we know we already belong, that we are a part of heaven on earth.

283. It’s amazing how many counselling sessions revolve around false models of what a relationship is or should be in order to work. Interesting I remember an analogy I heard years ago regarding people being ‘c ‘shapes or ‘o’ shapes and that to be complete we are a ‘o’ however if we need another to make us whole we are a ‘c’ shape. This represents how people are attracted if they need another or if they don’t that a relationship can be about choice.

284. What you are sharing is that we dont have to be at the mercy of the ups and downs of others or even our own lives when we build a solid platform or foundation of love within ourselves

285. I remember feeling completely shattered when my expectation in a relationship was not met and I realised it was an old pattern I kept replaying in all my relationships. This experience revealed to me a deep hurt I had not allowed myself to heal and this shattering moment was actually a blessing for me to see what I was doing. Allowing myself to see what was going on was a deeply healing process.

286. When things go ‘wrong’ or need to change in a relationship, we tend to blame the relationship, rather than looking at our part in it and how we are relating not only to ourselves but to others.

287. Appreciating what we bring to a relationship is one of the most important foundations, with that there is much more appreciation for what the other person brings, who we both are in our own unique ways. Shifts the focus 180 on thinking what we get out of a relationship, aka needing someone.

288. How great that unlike Humpty Dumpty, you could be put back together again! But instead of needing all the Kings Horses and All the Kings Men to do the job for you, you did it yourself through your own choices.

289. No person, object, task or level of success can give us what we are truly seeking – no matter how much we try the contentment that lays within our very bodies is everything we could ever want, it’s just a matter of realising that and stopping the search for external fixes.

290. I spent many years where I thought the relationship I was in defined my worth, and the degree in which I was love determined how I valued myself as a woman. As such there was a constant underlying need for the relationship to deliver all that I was not already feeling for myself, yet at the same time seeking an arrangement where I was not challenged to evolve from this. Through understanding the value of embracing a loving relationship with myself first, today I am in a relationship where I firstly know and adore who I am, appreciate what I bring and am confident to share the ‘real me’ with my partner without compromise. Our relationship feels more like a coming together of two Souls, in appreciation of our equalness and in awe of the love that is there to share, explore and deepen for ourselves and each other, with everyday feeling like the beginning of something truly, deeply sacred and beautiful.

     1. I can relate completely with this Carola. Not only did I need to be in a relationship to feel I was of value but also my partner at the time was like a prize reflecting my level of achievement by how beautiful, intelligent etc. she was. Like you, through the loving reflection of the Benhayon family and other students of The Way of The Livingness, I am in a relationship that the foundation of which is “understanding the value of embracing a loving relationship with myself first” and it is glorious.

291. How empowering it is to grow one’s own set of wings founded upon a solid and steady inner foundation and relationship with oneself.
     “This Humpty Dumpty handles himself with more care now and has grown his own set of wings. Which means I no longer need ‘all the king’s men’, because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall”.

292. Being in a relationship asks you to appreciate the constellation and the opportunity for learning and growth this offers every day so that it can keep deepening.

     1. Being in a relationship offers an absolute great reflection for us to learn and grow.

293. If only I had known that ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole’ at the beginning of life how different this life would have been. However, it is amazing to now realise that we can change the way we are in our relationships as we learn to become more transparent and allow the world to know us ‘inside out’. It feels like a wonderful new beginning for my next life as I continue to let go of all the patterns that have held me back in the past and consequently unable to expand and enjoy life to the full.

     1. So beautifully said Susan – for when we are growing up we are conditioned to feel complete only when we are with another in a relationship – in fact women who are single are often seen as ‘defective’, as if something were wrong with that. And with that approach we often head for relationships with needs and wants and feeling incomplete seeking someone to complete the other half, as opposed to ensuring we are feeling full and whole and then bringing this to another to share and celebrate and support with each others growth. What completely different ways to approach things!

294. ‘Security blanket’ is an apt term for how I used to consider relationships for most of my life. The insidiousness of this is clearly shown by the concept offered by the counseller of “two angels with only one wing each who can only fly by holding each other”. A complete dependency where the other person is in effect used as a ‘security’ crutch.
     In contrast how amazing to deepen our awareness of our own ability to shine and be whole, so we the choice to be with the other has nothing to do with need and is because of our appreciation of who they are.

295. It is as if you used to see relationships as good or bad – so when something happened, it was coined as bad and everything was over. But when we bring truth into a relationship, it totally changes it, and asks us to be true to ourselves and true to others by living the love that we all know.

296. To have to keep having issues in a relationship to keep up that way of relating because another way isn’t known is something I have observed in myself and many others. This pattern of drama then make up the drama that is seen all around us, in TV soaps, politics etc. It’s rare to see role modelled relationships that are about each person evolving, allowing more of who they are to express through. There’s a tension it seems in relationships and I wonder what that is for myself. I know there’s a belief that when life is harmonious something will rudely disrupt this so I am on constant alert. So for me it’s about trusting to breathe my own breath in relationships including with myself, to not put on a blanket fear that something will just erupt for no reason but know I can see what’s going on when I choose to and respond – I do not have to be victim to unseen forces!

297. It’s a good point to reflect on the fact that like you for many of us we feel the same in that we “didn’t want to be alone… but found it hard to be with others.” What I am starting to feel in this is that we are all wanting something and then it’s only when we are faced with the fact that someone else does not have the answer we then face that when we deepen our relationship with ourselves then we not only don’t need to have another but we actually find relationships with everyone else get much simpler.

298. This is super powerful, Joel – “we were presented with a simple truth… we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within”. Once we feel our inner gold we are rich beyond measure and nothing else is needed. Relationships are then a sharing of that gold with joy, for all to grow in love.

299. ‘The very foundation of our relationship was based on a needed security, which meant that any proposed (or needed) change to that foundation would end up as a defensive battle.’ Yes when we don’t have a foundation of love in ourselves any movement away from the security, of dependancy and need, can cause much disturbance, arguments and a tighter grip to what is already established as secure.

300. “But if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well. It is the more that I want the relationship with, so that is what is offered.” Pure gold Joel. How often do we get entrenched in the patterns and loose sight of each other? When we are given a space to decifer the two, we give our selves an opportunity to re-connect to our inner grace, a tender sweet quality that when allowed the freedom to express, steadily dissolves those niggling patterns that attempt to trip us up and restores intimacy, the real ‘cherry’ in all relationships.

301. I love the focus that our patterns are not who we are, Joel, simply how we have chosen to behave. And I love again the knowing that these patterns can change but it doesn’t mean the end of the relationship. ..” if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well.” It can feel very easy to throw the towel in, but we all have a great opportunity to change relationships without a crash like Humpty Dumpty. It is a huge learning.

302. ‘when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall’. Beautiful Joel, when we build this quality of relationship within ourself ‘all the kings men’, as you say, are no longer needed.

303. A very real honest and amazing understanding of relationships and the appreciation of each other without needs being based on our own solid foundation with ourselves first. A very beautiful realisation for all relationships and marriages with the true way forward for all.

     1. Absolutely a true “realisation for all relationships and marriages with the true way forward.” a moment to truly stop and appreciate the solid foundation built within oneself.

304. With health and safety becoming a nanny state have we done the same with relationships? Have put a safety harness on and erected fall netting to stop us from falling off the wall? What happens when we just get off the wall and be ourselves, that is the start of a great relationship to build upon?

305. Being in a relationship by choice is like renewing vows, not just every day but in every moment. It is a continual renewal and reseeding of its true values, a way of relating that far exceeds, indeed cannot even be compared to a relationship based on needing each other and being joined at the hips.

     1. I love the sense of renewing our vows in every moment, as a perpetual commitment to love and truth.

        1. Yes, and by doing so it is like the fact that everyday is a new day and with that brings a sense of wonderment, exploration and purpose.

     2. What a gorgeous way of putting it Gabriele: continual renewal and reseeding of the true values of a relationship in every moment. I am accepting and appreciating the gift of the relationships every day and every moment and that changed what can unfold between us.

306. “simple truth… we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within. ” We need more fairy tales that reflect this truth. This would be very empowering growing up , knowing this.

307. I found that the moment we compromise truth or love in a relationship we endanger that relationship even though it is easier to compromise and hope.

     1. I agree Christoph, if at point we compromise truth or love in a relationship, we endanger the relationnship and it is often hard to recover as now there are hurts/patterns loaded.

308. Very true Doug, I have seen many examples of this when people are struggling with their relationships with people, I notice this is because they are struggling with the relationship with themselves. The common pattern is they are often addicted to drama, blame and creating issues. It can be like taking drugs, we can get a kick out of creating issues and dramas but in truth life is naturally free of issues. We have to actually create issues for them to exist. Imagine, how much time we have for ourselves and others when life is free of issues and dramas?

309. The quality of our relationship with people is a great indication of how we are with ourselves.

310. There is no such thing s ‘it’s too late’. We live in cycles and are always given the opportunity to re-visit, re-imprint and so Return to the completeness of who we truly are.

311. So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person. – I love this line Joel, and we have to keep looking at ways of refining the way we relate to people as we are all growing and changing so if we relate to someone how we did 5 years ago, it is not respecting or appreciating the changes they have made or vice versa.

     1. The falling apart can be great as it is an opportunity to shift things that are comfortable but not truly supporting anyone.

312. Absolute gold here. If we are willing to let go of patterns that do not serve us we have an opportunity to develop a truly loving way of being with ourselves and others.

313. Being in a relationship because of choice rather than need brings a deep appreciation to it.

     1. Well said Michael – there is so much more space to be ourselves and for the relationship to actually be of purpose to the greater all instead of just meeting the carnal needs we think we have.

     2. I can relate to what you say Michael, to really choose for a relationship instead of coming from a need is so much more honouring to the divine beings that we are.

314. This realisation is revolutionary Joel “… I realised that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” I wonder how many people would still be in their relationships if they had known this, and if the divorce rates would decrease with this knowledge.

315. Although it is confronting when someone doesn’t ‘need’ you anymore, it is liberating because when there is no need in a relationship, there is so much more space and freedom to just be yourself… how honouring is that of everyone!

     1. Paula this is beautifull what you have shared and expressed here I can really feel what you are saying.

     2. Yes so freeing for other people for they can feel when we don’t put that needy energy on them.

     3. And in doing so, one can then truly love and support another to also no longer need to be dependent, if they so choose, by your empowered and loving reflection.

316. The only way we can be in relationship with anyone or anything without any need or expectation, is to be full of our gorgeous self first, through choosing to live in connection with our inner heart. From this place we know we are already everything that we need to be and can then allow the other person the space to be all of who they are too.

317. Perhaps the addiction to drama saves us from looking at the deeper issues. Relationships offer great opportunities for evolving but we have to be willing to face some uncomfortable truths about ourselves and open to making different choices.

318. ‘We do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole’, this simple truth presented by Serge Benhayon has revolutionized thousands of peoples lives including my own.

319. This one simple blog holds more worth and truth then a whole row of relationship advice books. Thank you Joel.

320. I love the simplicity of this Elizabeth.

321. Oh what joy to be single and feel whole inside.

322. ‘The hard part can be that some people are more committed to that pattern of relating than they are to the relationship’. I can relate to this both on my part and other people. It takes maturity and deep understanding to commit to the relationship and not the pattern.

323. It is very refreshing and empowering to realise that changes in relationship are never about falling out of caring about the other person, but it is about having outgrown the patterns that held the relationship together. So instead of pointing fingers it would be wiser to observe and call out the dynamics and patterns at play.

324. Need is not love. Plain and simple. So any need in the relationship with another or with oneself is not love either.

325. Joel when you share “The very foundation of our relationship was based on a needed security, which meant that any proposed (or needed) change to that foundation would end up as a defensive battle.” it resonates with how I grew up making all relationships about need and security for me, for what did I get out of it. How different is my relationship in and with relationships both with me and others when I make it about evolution and growth first.

326. What if when we feel we have fallen and shattered, our life is changing beyond our comfort, under the broken shell is something else, something beautiful and true and whole that can never be broken, only covered over with a shell that we can become to familiar with we think it is who we are and feel a loss of fear if it seems we need to let it go, when in truth it is a release.

327. And if we do break we have to look at what caused the breakage, thus building the true power of who we are towards our own healing.

328. I’ve noticed that when I am looking for/wanting a certain response from a person close to me, I feel vulnerable and uncertain and this leads me to act differently towards that person as I am holding an image of what I need for an outcome. There are many variations of this but how it ultimately plays out is that the other person senses the demands/conditions I am imposing on them and the results fall far short of what I was seeking in the first place. This can lead me to trying harder and the other person withdrawing further and so the cycle continues. Yet, when I am settled within myself and let go of the expectations etc. there is so much more space between myself and the other person and wow – then the magic flows with ease. Thank you Joel for reminding me of the importance of firstly being in a sound relationship with myself and then the foundation is set solidly for entering into other relationships.

     1. It can take a lot of practice, though, until we are truly able to give the other (whether a close or distant relationship) a true choice without feeling hurt at times.

329. “I felt that if something went wrong in a relationship, it meant it was the end of the relationship”. I believe that a lot of us feel like this, which is why we compromise, put our heads in the sand, deny and ignore any problems. We avoid expressing what needs to be said because we fear we will lose everything. Yet this doesn’t need to be the case, and meanwhile the reality is that we are losing everything – true love. A relationship built on safety is not one that will ever fulfil us or allow us to grow.

330. This is an awesome sharing and offers me a lot to learn from. Thank you as it shows how we can change and evolve out of patterns at different times but still maintain a loving relationship.

331. In life and especially in relationships, we’re so afraid to fall and get hurt that we don’t actually realise when we’re flying.

332. I love the simplicity of the teachings of Universal Medicine they always make absolute sense. To know that we do not need to a relationship to be or feel whole, is in it’s self a simple teaching but when we start to live this we can feel all the areas we have not been living it and how this then plays out in our relationships.

333. Thank you, Joel. It is beautiful to feel the deep level of integrity that you and your partner both have, in continuing to hold out for the truth rather than settling for a life not seeing beyond the entrenching patterns under the guise of security and comfort.

334. Joel, this is great to read and makes complete sense; ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.’ In society it is rarely discussed that we can be single and feel whole, there is much focus on finding ‘the one’ and being in a relationship with another that this can distract us away from building a loving relationship with ourselves.

335. Agreed. We can feel so threatened when our partners start to step up and worry that it is about to be over, but take a step back and look at the bigger picture and from this wider perspective, we can see the potential if we were to simply let go of our need, meeting the other as a complete equal – full and empowered on our own terms. Two full and empowered individuals meeting each other on a foundation of love through choice and living that love daily is one very powerful reflection.

336. “At a Universal Medicine workshop many years ago, we were presented with a simple truth… we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.” It can be a wobbly moment for many relationships, the realization that the co-dependency is not real but an agreed arrangement propped up by a mutual disregard. It is a moment when we need to realize that it is the quality of our self worth, love and tenderness that are our true assets and then begins the magical journey of building a relationship that nurtures, appreciates and expresses nothing less.

337. ‘Until I realised that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.’ I have just realised that I am not letting go of relating with another in a certain way for fear of the relationship ending. I can feel I still have a need for the relationship to be a certain way because I morph myself and change when we are together. I can feel how it is time to drop this self created lie and be myself, all of me and in that if I bring all of me to the relationship I give the other person the space the to be all of themselves too.

338. “So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person.” What a revelation this is, and how revolutionary it could be if we all approached our relationships in this way by being open to change.

339. ‘The very foundation of our relationship was based on a needed security, which meant that any proposed (or needed) change to that foundation would end up as a defensive battle.’ … isn’t it interesting how we create these situations for ourselves, so whatever happens we are fulfilling the prophesy that we are trying to avoid. Change is inevitable, therefore, if we crave security, we are inevitably going to be in a fairly constant state of ‘challenge’, confirming to us how important security is and heightening our perceived need for it. Through our connection with our inner heart we understand how there is nothing to fear, we are already everything we need to be – a magnificently divine being who has the choice to live in the fullness of the love that we are and share this with everyone without any need or expectation for anything in return.

340. When our relationships are based on need and security there are bound to be difficulties, complications and potentially dramas as the foundation is insecurity which can never be satisfied or fixed by another… we need to be secure within ourselves – self-confidence and self-worth come from our connection to our innate essence that is equally within us all.

341. The key is that we are actually never broken but that we have learnt to see things in parts and thus miss out on the whole.

     1. True, when we don’t see nor feel the whole and we go looking outside ourselves to become whole, whereas we are never not whole.

342. ‘The very foundation of our relationship was based on a needed security…’ This is so revealing in regard to so many relationships and I recognise this from many of my own previous relationships and it has also been something I have worked on recently in other areas of my life. Such as my relationship with myself, my work and time.

343. ‘…we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, …’ hearing this has supported me both in and out of relationships with partners and friends. Though I often never felt I was whole or complete and had the universe within and could never want for more, I do allow for this truth to be. And with it I stopped the toxic way I can be in relationships which is to want from another what I can give myself. Not lacing relationships with expectations (you are my mother you should act like this, you are my partner you should act like so etc.) I allowed us both the space to be and to relate from who we are rather than who we think we should be for the other to accept us, or in reaction to these expectations that don’t see where we are at or who we are.

344. ‘when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.’… this the art of being in a relationship, having a great one with ourselves first.

345. The vulnerability of expanding beyond the security-seeking confirmation of the known is unavoidable when we seek to be in true relationships and explore love in its unlimited, unconditional nature.

346. Joel you have clearly shown how we are not our patterns and behaviours, and that when we learn to love and value ourselves our relationships will change and expand with us.

347. Beautiful Joel. Often relationships are there to fulfil parts of us and complete us in areas we are lacking. But none of this is possible and the pressure it puts on a relationship is toxic and not sustainable. True relationship is possible when two people know that they are (or can be) complete on their own and that their coming together is simply that – a coming together of two whole beings.

348. It is so true – we sometimes are more committed to our patterns than we are to our relationship. Hence, this is an interesting reveal where we can work with.. To start paying more attention to what is important and less to the disturbing behaviors we at times can use to defend ourselves from a hurt. Powerful revelation.

349. It is very interesting how relationships that are based on security need the world to be dangerous and hard so there is something to fight against together. This creates a total isolation from the world and other people which then creates the need for someone to trust so there is a vicious cycle. Instead it is indeed way more truly loving to be whole in a relationship without the other so you can be open to the world and therefor also bring more love to your partner.

350. How often can we react to true changes in our lives, as things shift away from the attachments/comforts and even at times discomforts towards more love – it can seem like we are losing something when in fact what we are gaining is beyond our understanding.

351. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again, yet even if we think a relationship is broken, there is always the possibility to re-build when we bring the focus back to ourselves rather than the blame or the undealt with needs.

352. Absolutely Shirley-Ann. If you are not free to leave a relationship, are you free to stay? Freedom to choose is fundamental to any true relationship.

353. This level of co-dependency / need is so evident in a break up, where the devastation felt can be overwhelming, even traumatic because so much is being exposed as to areas within ourselves we neglected.

354. Perceiving changes in behaviour in relationships as “ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship” opens the door to a constantly evolving relationship that leads to deepening of intimacy and an expansion of the relationship.

355. Yes there are many misconceptions we hold about relationships that we ought to review, for they set us up for great misery when we subscribe to them.

     1. I agree, this is very much needed Thomas. Joel’s blog and many other comments are exposing the misconceptions we hold about relationships and people sharing examples of how they break away from them is very supportive to read.

356. Yet another brilliant blog Joel. I used to see this co dependency so clearly in other peoples relationships when I was married, and being a very ‘independent’ woman on many levels could not understand how these relationships could work as they did not feel true to me. And although in truth they were more of ‘arrangements’ than true realtionships, what I hadn’t appreciated was although I was fiercly independent in many ways, I was very also ‘dependant’ in others, and only really realised this once my own marriage broke down. I am now learning to fly in full on my own, with both wings larger than ever, and what a difference it has made to my realtionship with myself and to all those I have a realtionship with.

357. “Each time one of us started to grow and develop in a different direction, we would claw the other back into an embrace that we thought was security; but in reality, it was suffocating.” This sentence feels like it explains so much about why we find it hard when another person starts to develop and why we don’t want that to happen – even though on the outside we might appear quite encouraging of it. When the need for security overtakes what is true for the individual and for the couple. And this can apply across all of our relationships – friends, family, work colleagues etc….

358. It is life changing to realise that for a true relationship, being whole with-in ourselves is a very solid part of the foundation between two people and not coming together to try and make a whole. There is a lot of proof that this second option doesn’t work very often.

359. When we can see and or feel the true person behind their behaviours it takes away all our reactions… because we no longer identify the person as those behaviours.

360. This blog breaks so many ideals we have about relating to one another. We are sold the soulmate ideal so we cling to each other no matter what and expect all of our needs to be met. It is to be celebrated that you came through letting go of the need and discovering you don’t need to let go of the relationship.

     1. and it is purely because we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for the salvation that we all so desperately crave, that the feeling of being ‘really ok’ remains a frustratingly illusive concept. It is through our connection with ourselves that we are given all and everything that we could possibly imagine. We move from a world of constant lack to a bountiful world of plenty.

361. “This Humpty Dumpy handles himself with more care now and has grown his own set of wings.” How awesome is that… taking responsibility for self, and in the process inspiring so many others.

362. When the need drops from anything, it changes the whole energetic feel from being stuck to a positive flow. We have so much to learn from relationships.

363. ‘In the past relationships were a security blanket and a way of belonging – in fact a need to belong.’ how loaded our relationships can be when we do not have a solid relationship with ourself first.

364. ‘In the past relationships were a security blanket and a way of belonging – in fact a need to belong.’ I have known this way of being in relationship which always left me feeling anxious and more needy. It is very beautiful to be deepening my relationship with myself so that the neediness once felt has been replaced with a connection and love for me first.

365. The simple and honest way in which you share your experience is beautiful. We get it, because so many of us have been through something similar, judged a relationship to be failing but did not have the awareness or support see it as an opportunity to change the nature of the relationship. After reading this, many will be inspired to understand more, look for solutions first, before pressing the ejector button.

366. I can so relate to what you say about patterns being clung to like a life raft and the person preferring to float away than step onto dry land. If we have carried these patterns for life times they can be hard to let go of because of the unknown if we let go. I used to have the feeling that I was hanging onto the edge of a deep precipice by my finger nails and when I finally plucked up the courage to let go there was no deep falling into the unknown at all I was standing on firm ground all along held up by the illusion of falling. This showed me my mind can play the most horrible tricks with me.

367. It’s crazy that society sets us up to feel like a bit of a loser if we are single but if we are to feel totally at home with ourselves before we enter a relationship how much stronger and more loving would that relationship be?

     1. Yet, if we are not ‘at home’ with ourselves first, will will never feel at home with anyone else, we may think we do, but there is already a need and an expectation lurking there waiting to be filled.

368. I love what you share here Joel, as I see how it relates to other relationships. Working in aged care I’ve found not needing to be in a caring mode in relationship with a client, but choosing to, brings a whole different quality to it. The moment neediness and attachment is part of the equation, it is like a sticky glue forms and the carer and the cared for are trapped in co-dependency. To care for someone lovingly and without investment allows space for both to grow in their own way.

369. The quality of actually truly choosing something – and the commitment and willingness to dedicate that comes with that – is totally life changing.

370. This article is offering such a huge and beautiful shift in the way we approach relationships; freeing us from a projection of some kind of perfect and offering up the transformative opportunities in all our relationships to start from the inside out in the way we relate to ourselves and others.

371. When we no longer require anything from another to make us complete the magic of the relationship with our self, blossoms and can be felt by all.

     1. No bric-brats hear Steve, as this is full of roses that are fully blossomed. And may I add that this reflection is so simple as we re-connect to our Inner-Most!

372. Joel, this is really interesting to read; ‘Each time one of us started to grow and develop in a different direction, we would claw the other back into an embrace that we thought was security; but in reality, it was suffocating.’ I can feel how it is accepted in relationships that both people stay the same and stay where they are at, rather than their being freedom in the relationship for both people to grow and develop at their own pace.

373. Oh my goodness, Joel, I very much appreciate the candour with which you deliver universal truths that hit you between the eyes – “Each time one of us started to grow and develop in a different direction, we would claw the other back into an embrace that we thought was security; but in reality, it was suffocating”.

374. When our relationships are based on needs we need to find new ways to relate that do not come from needs but allow us to be ourselves in full and this can be a difficult pattern to break as it may be a pattern we have lived for years.

375. ‘It was a model of co-dependence that meant for our relationship to grow, we had to keep having issues to deal with;’ Apart from anything else this model of relationship sounds truly exhausting and many other things besides! Getting to the point where you can hold the other in love without reactions based on your own hurts is something that isn’t modelled too widely out there and so isn’t on the radar of most. To simply be bringing this up in conversation as a possibility, let alone hearing that it is already lived is a true support to shifting our consciousness around relationships.

376. It is a huge step up when we seek to fill up our emptiness within a relationship. The withdrawal of the neediness feels strange at first, because we have learnt to identify the neediness as love, which it is not. We have to re-calibrate the quality of our relationship not only to the other person, but to Love itself, a beholding energy that does not tug or pull on us, but allows us the space to make our own choices, appreciate, express and confirm our selves and each other, without one inkling of needing to drag each other in to prop up our lack of self worth.

     1. I love what you’re sharing here, Rowena, about ‘re-calibrating the quality of our relationships, not only to the other person, but to Love itself’ – allowing the space for each person to be themselves and to be met free from any need, expectation or judgment. To be able to observe the other person when they are expressing more openly and freely than maybe we are, without feeling any jealousy, rather a deep appreciation for the blessing they are offering us and everyone else.

377. What you are writing about is that there is a need to grow even in a solid marriage otherwise it can become a not so obvious trap. Perhaps that is one reason why marriages get be divorced . . .

378. The way I approach relationships has changed since attending Universal Medicine Workshops where it was presented that all relationships begin with our relationship with our self. To be able to have an intimate and loving relationship with another we need to be having an intimate and loving relationship with our self first. This made perfect sense to me and it supported me to see why none of my previous relationships worked as I had not been willing to develop a loving relationship with myself, I wanted someone else to bring the love to me.

     1. Agreed Mary-Louise, until we Re-Connect to our Inner-Most we are lost and confused about relationships. And may I add that for most of us we start out by being Gentle as Love is an unknown quantity from where most of us were at<

379. We are so conditioned to fight for a relationship (especially if kids are involved) that it becomes impossible for us to be honest, transparent or fragile. One of the biggest milestones in my relationship with my wife was when we started to talk about, and be OK with the fact that we could split up. We actually really worked it through, what life would be like, how we could deal with the children etc. For us, it was once the shackles of this consciousness had been shed that we were able to start truly evolving and expanding ourselves and our relationship.

380. We are in relationship with everything in life, to have more understanding on how to be are true selves, full of the love that we all are, to bring to each relationship, is such a blessing, thank you Joel.

381. So many people feel safe when they are in a relationship but the only true safety that is ever offered to us, is in our relationship with ourselves .

382. ‘if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well. It is the more that I want the relationship with, so that is what is offered.’ – It’s so very empowering what you are sharing here Joel. When we ‘let go’ of these patterns of behaviour that have been ‘running’ us, we get to appreciate the true beauty in ourselves, and each other.

383. I can relate to this deeply and I can see that if I were Humpty Dumpty getting stronger in a few short months not from not falling, but from falling and not giving up going deeper to understand myself and my partner. The relationship with oneself is to never give it up and never hold it back because ultimately love is who we are.

     1. This is so true. I may shy away from my relationship with myself but when I do, beneath all the hurt is a beautiful essence I can enjoy and cherish; and daring to share this with great openness with another is just beautiful – even more so when they melt and be the love they are too.

384. Loving the cyclical nature you present about relationships Joel.. the fact that the end is never the end, though only the end of a certain once beginning that has had its time to be present another beginning…

385. To me what matters in a relationship is love. If there is love, there are very few things that can’t be worked out. If there is no love, does anything else matter? Yes, it does, but can it ever be better than an arrangement?

386. Oh my goodness Joel – this brought some old memories to the surface of the posters and courses that proclaimed we could not live without the other angel who also had only one wing.How absurd and manipulative these feels to me now.
     “we were each angels with only one wing and could only fly by holding each other”.

387. Beautiful sharing Joel – the power of relationships not only with others but with and in our own connection to ourselves.

388. Brilliantly said Joel! It’s a true paradigm shift to realise that we don’t ‘need’ to be with another but can come together in a relationship to let out more the love we already are.

389. Joel – I love how you say ‘ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.’ – wow we totally forget this, we seem to ignore that we are people who make choices and there is always an opportunity to explore why we have made those choices. So to get truly honest about this is a huge healing and I love your openness here because it is so real and relatable.

390. So gorgeous Joel. When you see a young child trip and fall down, they often don’t do much at all, except register they have slipped and get up and move on. The drama and noise, stories and hurts we let out seem to be something we pick up as an adult. Like a play we have learnt our part in, we are the damsel in distress, yet the whole time we are truly masters of life who just momentarily forgotten this. All we need is to get up and connect to ourselves and move on.

391. It’s so easy to indulge in giving ourselves a hard time when we have a fall. But it’s such a waste of time and energy. Most likely there is a reason for the fall, and there is much that we can learn.

     1. So True Rebecca, some of our deepest learning come from when we lose sight of our connection and run of the rails. When we learn through out our life we can become master to a certain degree in an area where we have experienced and learnt and thus we can move on to a deeper level of evolution.

392. This is groundbreaking stuff. I spent almost 20 years single as an adult as I was terrified of falling apart if a relationship ‘failed’. I now feel so solid within myself that I no longer see the end of a relationship as a failure and this has supported me to open my heart.

393. Great example Susan, and in that the other person in the relationship also gets to feel their stuff and if their breathing their own breath or not. Some hang on believing their hurting the partner or friend but giving each other space is the most loving.

394. You have made a very valid point Joel, that when one person lets go of the need it is not the end of the relationship, just that way of being. Relationships of any kind become simpler when we look at what we can bring rather than what we get.

395. In any relationship, if we choose to hold the other person in their patterns and behaviours it is like an invisible wall that stops us from truly connecting with them, essentially stopping us from connecting to their essence.

396. Ending patterns can take a while as they do their best to claw us back in. It takes commitment and a real love and honouring of ourselves to do this but how liberating and we get to realise we don’t need all the kings horses and all the kings men because we are more than enough in ourselves.

397. Advising couples that they each have one wing and can only function in unison is a sure fire recipe for creating and perpetuating co-dependency.

     1. Unfortunately a majority of the population believe this is true and this I feel is why there are huge divorce rates.

     2. It’s interesting too Gabriele our language used often confirms this, such as my “other half” or even ‘better half’.

398. All of our relationships are their to expose out patterns and behaviours, some of which are very hard to see and some relationships expose more than others. Our relationships are a ginormous opportunity to understand ourselves and others at a much deeper level.

     1. Yes, Jennifer, and what you have described is the opposite of what a lot of relationships end up as, an arrangement of comfort and hiding, rather than continually growing and expanding together.

     2. When going into a relationship this understanding is a sure foundation for one that will grow and deepen, however, how many relationships do?

     3. So True Jennifer, and may I add that the reflection we get from others at times can be extremely confronting.

        1. absolutely. I couldn’t agree more Greg.

        2. As our awareness increases we will simply connect to others on a deeper level so we get the reflection that can not be denied.

399. ‘…we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole’. A truly profound understanding to get to – very liberating! To know that you are in a relationship not because you need to be, but because you choose to be is a huge game changer.

400. Many relationships start through meeting each others needs and with that comes the patterns. Going through the same process with my partner, I can totally relate to that unknowing and missing emotional bond you once had and called love. It is a constant adjusting and freeing of pictures of how love in a relationship looks like. It needs courage, as the familiarity is always something that is giving us security and control, which however avoids deepening and letting go of individuality.

     1. Yes Steffi and what you share here is so true for all relationships, when we stay clutching onto familiarity we are avoiding intimacy and evolving our relationships.

     2. Exposing the consciousness of needing ‘security and control’ is key to a deeper level of
        re- connection with our Divine Essence, the often well-hidden hidden gem that lies WITHIN every person on this planet.

401. Whoa, this is such a beautiful and inspiring sharing. Thank you Joel. I have been dating for the last year and it has been awesome but at times if anything comes up I feel like humpty dumpty as I go into fear that it is all over so I have been looking at all my patterns and why do I do this. I had an Esoteric Healing session the other day and what I discovered was it was all about my Dad leaving when I was really young and how now as an adult, I can still go back to that unhealed hurt. It is fascinating when we are willing to go deeper, and work through our behaviours rather than just run away.

402. I love this understanding Joel, it takes away the myth that if we fall we break- aka have made a mistake. There are no mistakes just lessons and learnings so we can choose to re-connect back to the fullness of our selves. Eggs are pretty full when intact.

403. “The hard part can be that some people are more committed to that pattern of relating than they are to the relationship.” Such patterns offer comfort and security but no evolution for either the individual or the couple. Thanks for your honest sharing Joel.

     1. Through Joel’s honesty and awesome sharing, he has exposed some ideals and beliefs we hold that are not allowing us to evolve. Interestingly I notice how we seem to all have similar experiences, fears and challenges around relationships. It is like we have all signed an invisible contract to not evolve.

404. Such a beautiful blog Joel, you share something so needed to hear – when we choose love and truth it can at times feel like that which wasnt not true is ending, but in reality it is simply that it is changing, stepping forward into a foundation that can support true love

405. Whenever I am not appreciating myself or a little needy with someone who is not needy of me but simply loving, I can feel vulnerable. Sometimes I can react and try to make myself feel better by getting competitive which is super ugly. Competition is a defence from feeling how I’ve not appreciated or got to know my qualities. It wants something outside of myself to measure I’m ok by being ‘better’ than another rather than feeling I’m ok from the inside.

406. When we put truth, evolution and love ahead of security, the whole picture and our experience of relationships starts to look very different.

     1. Very true Golnaz and that applies to everything in life.

     2. Absolutely, if we come from anything less than this it leaves a gap for what is not love. As well as if we have need in a relationship. Like you say make it about love and truth first and foremost and not about what we or another wants then everything is automatically taken care of in a way we could never have even imagined!

407. I can relate to this a lot “I was Humpty Dumpty laying shattered on the ground, until I realised that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” I have felt this in my relationship with my husband and friends and the one with myself. If I did something that didn’t fit my picture then I would give up on myself (be shattered) instead of holding myself with understanding and the same with relating to others.

     1. Yes, Aimee, it is great to nominate how easily shattered we can feel when we do not have a strong sense of ourselves, a robust foundation based on consistency and self love.

408. This is a crucial point you make: not needing each other for any emotional deficiency, emptiness or hurt.
     Unless we are willing to take responsibility for one´s own ‘past of being incomplete with oneself’ relationships will mainly be a surrogate for what we miss within ourselves and of course we will be dependant on that surrogate drug.

     1. Relationships for most of us are places to hide out in order to avoid looking at our relationship with ourselves.

        1. When we do not look at relationships with ourselves, we absolutely use relationships to hide in and this we can avoid taking responsibility.

409. I agree we need to be the one breaking down what is not us, as in habits and behaviours that do not support us, and rebuilding and reclaiming what feels true, this is a natural part of the process in the relationship we have with ourselves and with all others.

410. Identifying that relationships are not about maintaining the status quo but rather about expansion and forever evolving is life changing.

411. Another superb blog and insight to living life, Joel, thank you. With the first model you give of couple counselling what is striking to me is not only is it delivered with the best of intentions, believed to be beneficial yet achieving the very opposite of what is desired it is a conceptual approach that is general practice. This all goes to show that what Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine offer an approach which is different that truly works if applied.

412. ‘ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship’. This is pure gold Joel. If this truth was applied many a relationship would have evolved into some thing new and respectful, rather than disintegrate and lead to separation.

413. And then I learned that relationships are multi-dimensioal: it is never about a single person, we are in relationship all day long. How can we can ever feel lonely or single, when connected to the all that we are,everyone is our brother and sister.

414. ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole’ and by this relationship means a single person partner, husband, wife or friend. The realisation we can be at one with ourselves without any appendage was life transforming. For the first time in my life, I feel whole again.

415. Ending a way of relating that is not true can herald the start of truly relating. Not the ending of the relationship but a deepening.

416. Wow I can really relate to all shared and how, when someone hasn’t needed me I’ve felt all my insecurities and it’s been very confronting. But it’s been a wonderful opportunity to come back to myself and have to appreciate who I am regardless of how other people relate to me. I’ve also been the one who hasn’t needed another and they’ve felt at a loss but I’ve held them in love and more often than not they’ve chosen to be themselves more and enjoy who they are which is a lovely relationship to share.

417. Such great wisdom shared here Joel and indeed our relationships can never be ended per se and it is an illusion to think that is the way out. I am not saying divorce is not the answer per se but rather anything left undealt with in one relationship is there in all our interactions and connections as these are relationships too, perhaps not making the same issue obvious.

418. ‘… we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within’ – this simple truth teaches us that it’s our dis-connection from our self which causes a feeling of emptiness, of something missing. Therefore, we are the only ones who can fix this, when we do, we meet everyone in the fullness of who we truly are, not needing anything from anyone, simply enjoying being with the other person – how divine.

419. ‘I no longer need ‘all the kings’ men’, because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall’ – Beautifully put Joel. Our foundations support us to stay steady, even when the boat is rocked.

     1. This is so true Susie, when we are solid within ourselves no matter how rocky our boat is, we are able to stabilise ourselves and therefore be able to support others. We sometimes can trip and fall but the difference between when we fall and shatter into pieces compared to falling and not breaking but bouncing back up is massive. When we shatter into pieces we are so confused on picking up the pieces we sometimes miss the lesson being presented but when we fall and bounce back up we are more likely to see clearly what we tripped over.

420. Wow, what a divine blog, there is such enormity in what you are sharing here, so simply, Joel, such a gift to us all, since life is all about relationships. I have never considered what ‘pattern’ I may be in, in my relationships, it certainly varies from one to the other, or indeed what pattern the other person/people are in …… something well worth exploring.

421. ‘…ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.’ Absolutely, Joel. To get out of our stuck patterns and behaviours, if both parties are willing, expands and grows the relationship. It doesn’t have to mean the end.

422. What is beautiful about this new way of relating is that each other is offered the space, opportunity and support to change the patterns, and not, as we so often want to do (because of our own patterns) hold the other in the past or ‘to ransom’. It offers true liberation from what we once would have called a good relationship.

423. Joel, I adore what you are saying because you are one of the very few men who are actually expressing in writing for all to read what is going on for you. Your honesty is like a breath of fresh air that stirs up a stagnate and airless room. It’s brilliant that you can write in such a way and may be this will encourage more men to write about how they feel too so that we can get a honest conversation going between us all.

424. When we build the relationship with ourselves we let go of our neediness in other relationships and allow them to expand and support us to be more of ourselves. Sharing this with children could save them a lot of lawyers fees later on.

425. Bouncing back in life is such an important skill, there are always challenges in life and if we fall apart then it takes time to rebuild ourselves, whereas if we bounce back and know we’re here to learn and take challenges in our stride then life is much simpler.

426. “In the past relationships were a security blanket and a way of belonging – in fact a need to belong.” I so recognise this in myself. Observing the patterns we have in our relationships can be a first step to stopping collusion.

427. Your writing is so descriptive Joel, it feel like this is the true story of Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme.. to tell children to rely on the love they have inside themselves and they do not need anyone else to depend on, they have it all within.. as we all do.

428. Another gem of a piece Joel. ‘when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.’ having a foundation of relationship with ourself holds us steady when change in relationships with others comes around.

429. This is a revealing sharing Joel! In a marriage this can be quite a shift in the way you relate to each other. I have found that in family, relationships it is almost as big. There are a lot of difficulties until one realizes we need to let go and let others live their own lives and in their own time make choices that are right for themselves.

430. Thank you Joel for writing what I feel many have experienced in relationships.The ups and downs of a relationship do feel like Humpty Dumpty and I have found it can be easy to create issues to keep the scenario going. We build relationships out of need and security but if anything happens to stir or dismantle what we have built it can feel like the world is crashing down around us.To be in a relationship without need or security can be super exposing as it can hi-light all the areas that are not true in a relationship, but if we can stay on the wall and not fall off with a willingness to change old patterns and heal old hurts then magic begins to happen as the relationship is built from the strength of who we are and the relationship we have with ourselves and not from the needs we demand from our partner. “This Humpty Dumpy handles himself with more care now and has grown his own set of wings. Which means I no longer need ‘all the kings’ men’, because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall. “

431. From the security that the patterns offer,True Love seems to be risky and insecure. However when we bet on and commit with it, nothing is more secure, estable, consistent and divine.

432. Great blog Joel, ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole’ is so true. I know for myself it has taken ages to get over my last relationship as I have been clinging onto it rather than allowing what is next to come. So often I hear how people stay in the past, whether it be clinging onto a person, house, job etc.. the common phrase I used to have this or that etc.. and trying to recreate it. But something I am seeing is why would we want to re-create something when we know we are so much more, and after all the Universe is constantly expanding as are we. So what is now can be far greater than what was before but only when we let go of what was not so we can flourish.

433. This sharing brings up how many relationships I live with patterns and behaviours and how hard sometimes it is to let them go because they seem to be so familiar when in truth they are hurting and destructive to truth and love. I love your honesty and sharing that this process took you several years and it is the not giving up on it which leads to success. In your case the letting go of needeness has been leading to equality. This is amazing.

434. Thank you Joel. Having come from a very intensely needy place too around people and relationships I appreciate all you say here about realising that “ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” It can take a little while to re-orientate our selves but what a glorious feeling it is when we recognise our own fullness, true freedom from the emtional hooks and bonds that tug us in all directions and seek to diminish our power.

435. Not only are so many relationships based on the mutual needs you describe here Joel, they are championed and encouraged to be this way. That a relationship’s purpose is to fulfill each other’s needs is one of the greatest evils we have as a society sold out to.
     The first and most important relationship is the one with self. That relationship needs to be constantly nurtured and nourished so that we know we are the wholeness you talk about Joel. When two people come together from that wholeness, their relationship is sacred – and hugely inspiring for the rest of the world.

436. The most important relationship we can have is with evolution, as it is then that we know we are already everything and if we choose to be in an intimate relationship is with purpose and for the good of all and not out of need.

437. When we clip the wings of ourselves or another in a relationship we just fly around in a downward spiral but when we give each other space to spread our wings we can fly in our fullness together.

     1. ..and we fly for everybody- not only for us .

438. “…ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” This is so key. And it exposes our need of security through patterns of relating. If we are open to true growth we will embrace change and expansion into other ways of relating that feel less familiar.

439. Joel, great article, reading this I can feel how accepted it is that in order to feel complete we need to be in a relationship and even possibly have children, it is very lovely and feels very true to read that we can be complete and full if we are not married or with a partner.

440. A beautiful journey Joel, I love the description of the angels with only one wing, it makes so much sense. When we are ourselves in full then we naturally flourish and shine.

441. You’ve done it again, Joel! I can very much relate to your Humpty Dumpty description in terms of relationships being high stakes for fear of being shattered and rejected. But thanks to Universal Medicine, I too feel the steadiness now of loving myself and others equally, so that sense of vulnerability and need is no longer there.

442. So much wisdom Joel, how many people think they have to be in a relationship to feel whole, or have a family to feel whole, but when the whole comes before the relationship and the family everything is so much stronger and millions times more loving.

443. Until we can have a loving relationship with ourselves, anything less becomes a constant balancing act that is forever fragile with others, like Mr Dumpty.

444. When I have true understanding in my relationships which comes from a deepening of the relationship to self I know what is going on and I can hold steady. Allowing another to hold onto behaviours is absolute love, a beautiful lesson for me but I do not have to be in the same boat and join them. This Humpty Dumpty (me) aligns to true love and makes it about energy and evolution.

445. I admire beyond words those that transform their relationships from the inside out, rather than throwing in the towel… a huge inspiration for us all about commitment, willingness to learn and the power of transparency and vulnerability. Thank you, Joel.

     1. What you have to learn you have to learn – you can’t escape it, although you can avoid it as long as you want. So why give in when you find someone who wants to get rid of the chains of habits, security and control in the same way like you. Not saying that it is easy, but a journey worth taking.

446. Thank you Joel, you have shared some very powerful pearls of wisdom. I can relate to life feeling like it has shattered when relationships don’t meet the picture, and also appreciated your lived wisdom of knowing when you are solid with you then that’s your foundation, not how another is or how we may need them to be. Enjoy your two wings!

447. By ending patterns in a relationship we are opening up to so much more that a relationship can offer us compared to stick to the old ways of relating to one another ever would bring, or maybe will never be able to bring, in our evolution back to Soul.

448. Joel, I love the clarity that you have brought around the fact that ‘people are more committed to that pattern of relating than they are to the relationship‘, which is why so many relationships end when the patterns within the relationships start to fail.

449. By clinging to another we completely miss out on our self .

450. So many of us have come to believe that ‘ upheaval and dispute’ within relationships is either something to be avoided or a sign that the relationship isn’t working. But what I have come to realise from my own relationships is that a certain amount of upheaval can often indicate that the relationship is undergoing the necessary adjustments required to take it to truer and deeper levels.

451. Joel this is a brilliant blog, simple in its delivery yet poignant in the message – really it begs us all to look at relationships and what we want to have a relationship with – the person or the behaviour! Awesome to be given this awareness!

452. Joel, this is Gold (as is the rest of your blog too!): “ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.”

453. Relationships and life really, can be challenging and so it should be, as this is a blessing – for through challenges we grow – when faced with difficulties we have the opportunity to make changes that support us and others enormously.

     1. All difficulties in relationships are actually golden opportunities to go deeper in our relationship with ourselves.

454. Gorgeous Joel… “Which means I no longer need ‘all the kings’ men’, because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall” –

455. “… So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person …” This clearly identifies just how much relationships are held together by patterns of behaviour, which eventually brings relationships to a plateau, whereas in the true sense of relationships, the union between two people is ultimately there to support evolution for each other.

     1. Yes and what a gift it is when two people are supporting each other to evolve because they naturally reflect the same to all others.

456. “…Whilst we all have patterns of behaviour, these patterns or ways of relating CAN change but it doesn’t mean it is the end of the relationship…” This is a pivotal realisation that offers expansion in both the relationship with a partner and within oneself too.

457. I remember clearly the moment when I knew it was time to end need in the relationships with close ones. It was an unmistakable call from my body and only from my body—that I did not want to heed and in fact fought back and did not surrender to. But everything in me knew that was what was on offer. My mind could not make sense of how this relationship can become closer to being more far apart, but my body knew. Only with dropping needs can we truly be love to each other, and this deepening of relationship with myself has deepened the intimacy between us as people.

458. “At times it feels like the pattern is all there is and we become fixated on fixing the other person. But if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well. It is the more that I want the relationship with, so that is what is offered.” I have fallen for this one many a time. Fixation on changing another is a great way of avoiding my own patterns and behaviors, but if we don’t consider ourselves within the equation we also don’t get to appreciate the blessing we are and what we do offer, that is gold to another.
     Taking responsibility for our own stuff can bring much greater rewards.

459. “Ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” – this is pure gold and one that most people need to hear. It can be applied in all relationships, whether that is with a partner, a child, a work colleague or friends.

460. Very true Joel, co-dependance in relationships as far as I have seen, heard and experienced, leads nowhere but in to things just falling apart, even though it is a model that is based on holding everything together.

461. What interests me is what happens when one of us in a relationship begins to evolve at a quicker pace than, or in a different direction from the other. The tension or pull that ensues can come both from the one evolving who wants to get on and fly and from the one not flying who can sabotage the other in an attempt to maintain the comfort of the known, familiar status quo. When we feel whole in a relationship, there is no insecurity, no need for comfort blankets and instead of feeling anxious and exposed, we welcome the pull from the inspiration our partner can offer us to be more.

462. “Ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship” – wow. Our relationship with evolution is what founds every other relationship we have with others – are they about evolution, or just a mutual agreement based on needs?

463. Love this Joel, that the more we take care of ourselves, the less we need to be with another out of neediness, to tell us and remind us who we are, and to validate us and make us feel safe. We simply just ‘are’ ourselves, and relationships become a confirmation, an extension of what we’re already feeling inside – and not a substitute for it.

464. Once we are willing to let go of patterns of behaviour that have kept us trapped on an emotional rollercoaster then we can start to build a true relationship with ourselves and others. No more Humpty Dumpty and the dramas that go with him – love the analogy Joel which is still the reality for so many who look outside of themselves for security and thus feel devastated if they think their relationship might be on the rocks.

465. Wow Joel, I love your blog. This is exposing a harmful belief I have seen many people fall for, I certainly fell for this in the past and we tend to think we are not complete if we do not have a partner. The common term ‘your other half’ when referring to our partner communicates that we are only half complete, how crazy is that? It also makes me wonder how many more of these ideals and beliefs do we hold onto that is actually stopping us from evolving, I am guessing loads.

466. Joel another diamond blog that has so much inspiration, practicality and real life lived that it is so relatable. I’m not in a relationship per say with a partner but what you share is for all relationships. I can see how I have kept my distance and not expressed in full because I allow a pattern or behaviour to rule at that time. But what I am also starting to experience is the steadiness within me and not letting this effect and debase me which feels super empowering, confirming and accepting how awesome I am.

467. Joel when I read this “we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole” it reminds me just how far I have come with my understanding of relationships from the point where I thought i needed the other person to be who I am, that I was empty without them. Today and thanks to Serge and Universal Medicine I know without a doubt that its the love I am in myself first that means everything, as without that I cannot hold another in love and therefore what is the quality of the relationship?

468. The power of appreciation of who we are and how that then confirms all others from the one movement is not only empowering but also beholding of all that we are connected too. Thank you Joel.

469. A great teaching here for me with what is being said about relationship and how things change, what that change feels like and what it means next. So often I have seen myself almost stuck in patterns of behaviour that then when you work through them and see the other side you realise what was going on. Now it’s not so unfamiliar and you are more aware of what is going on as described here. One thing is for sure you feel a lot less weighted and more free in how you move when you move through and let go of these patterns.

     1. I have been doing a detox program that is not based around food or exercise but around letting go of patterns and emotional baggage. The Practitioner I have been seeing for treatments actually commented that it looked like I had lost weight when I went and saw him the other day, I hadn’t lost weight but because I have moved through and let go of so much, I appeared much more light and free. So, I have to agree, it is freer to live being you, rather than playing out patterns.

        1. Sounds like a great de-tox program, which as you know is Esoteric Chakra-Puncture http://www.chakra-puncture.com/
           “It is a health-care modality that is complementary to medicine in which needles, applied very lightly, offer a deep foundational energetic and physical support for the body.” We can get locked into many things, which include the belief that to lose weight you would need to diet and exercise- I guess another myth busted.

470. Wow Joel Levin – what a true master you are of delivering the truth with such profound simplicity –
     “I was Humpty Dumpty laying shattered on the ground, until I realised that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship”.

471. It was the oddest feeling for me when I realised I didn’t need my then partner, now husband. So entrenched and ingrained was the pattern of need, I thought there must be something wrong with the relationship because of the lack of it.

     1. … and great to know that Love remains and doesn’t have to do with arrangements but with this freedom that we sometimes are not so used to feel

472. Appreciation is so important in our lives, more than I feel we often realise… appreciation of ourselves – of who we are and what we bring in relationships, and appreciation of who others truly are and what they bring … so much love and healing can come with appreciation.

473. An awesome read Joel… this line really stood out for me… “….that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” How many relationships fall apart because the way of relating needs to change or changes? Obviously some people are willing to go there and some aren’t… its always our choice.

     1. Yes I agree. And I deeply admire and am inspired by those that do not throw in the towel and open themselves up to the learning on offer in all relationships.

474. What a great way of expressing what commonly occurs in most relationships. Realising you don’t need someone, may sound callus but is the exact opposite of that, for once you connect to the fact that you are fine on your own and that there is no need or person forcing you into the relationship, then you are more likely to actually take responsibility that it is you that wants to be there. In this space, you are less likely to feel resentment and more likely to make an effort when things may fall off walls and brake. Marriages can be a challenge when you are trying to manage issues and have a huge staff of animals and humans, meaning All the Kings horses and men on hand. Getting off the wall to avoid falling apart all the time and firing unneeded employees what a great move for my marriage too!

     1. When we realise we don’t need someone any more, we open the door to love.

475. This is a gem that has never occurred to me before “. . . ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” This is very worth bringing to the absolute forefront of my awareness because I know when there has been something that needs discussing, sorting out etc. I’ve held back worried in case it means ‘the end’. But in truth it can also mean the beginning of growth.

476. I know this to be true too Joel, “we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.” From this connection there is an abundance to share with others without the unnecessary complications, and relationships have a purpose greater than our own. Thank you for sharing Joel.

477. [applause, applause]. Yet another brilliant article to clarify what to me, always feels like the truth of the matter. I’m forever shocked by some of the advice I’ve heard counsellors impart with their clients. Whilst I understand why and how they came to that, it saddens me that so few of us are willing to really step outside our comfort bubble and take a proper look at the mechanics of the life we’ve chosen and see that it’s not in fact working whilst we’re forcing it to look a certain way. It is as clear as day to me that when we feel whole and complete within ourselves and we don’t feel the need to change or judge who we are, we don’t feel the need to impose any ideals onto another.

478. “I realised that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” Absolute gold Joel.

479. Love love love this Joel. Here you talk about patterns of behaviours in terms of a relationship, but this story can travel far and wide across many aspects of our lives. Fascinating insights into how patterns can rule our lives and how we can cling to them like out-of-date security blankets. And I particularly loved this line – “but if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well” – as it offers the reader much; that we are more than our patterns, and so are other people. It invites us to bring understanding to ourselves and others, and realise that we have choices to cling or to let go.

     1. I agree and how much more understanding comes with just that one line, it’s something to truly appreciate. We often find ourselves trying to change what goes on around us and in that almost confirm things as being what you are trying to change in them. In place of this and as this line brings us to,“but if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well” so you flip the focus or dedication. In place of trying to change something you appreciate what you do see is true, appreciate the value and qualities that will then confirm the person in who you truly see they are. In this way there is growth and expansion that then leaves anything less in the rear view mirror.

480. I can feel you soaring the heavens, checking out what’s on offer.

     Again I love how you write Joel and am super impressed with the strength and courage you show, so lovely….

     Enjoy revelling in the Love your relationship now inspires in each other.

     Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it’s Joel and his beautiful whole wings…….

     1. Love this appreciation of Joel that you share here Toni, as he spreads his beautiful whole wings far and wide for all to appreciate what he brings.

481. ‘ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship’ Well said Joel , a new beginning. We often find change within a relationship so confronting, even if it is the most obvious step that we need to take. It is so beautiful to embrace ourselves, the completeness and openness we truly are, and discover how that naturally brings the dysfunctional relationship dance, where we are continually vying for a ‘position,’ to a stop.

482. Yes nailed it Joel. Most often our relationships are not truly with the other but instead playing out between different patterns of behaviour; changing this to a relationship based on connection is a major shift of pace as the arrangement to hide and secure certain forms of comfort gets completely upset as the ‘real’ in us has to step forward and relate directly to the ‘real’ in the other.

483. I am pleased you put this bit in bold “ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” It shows how marriages can work through old patterns of behaviour to a fresh level of freedom.

484. If only we could look at all our relationships like this, without a need of another because we all feel the whole that we are, therefore taking the suffocation out of the relationship giving it the room to blossom into the wonder that is possible.

485. I suddenly have an image of an egg with wings in my mind now 😉 but it works particularly as eggs are symbolic of new beginnings, new ways of relating to ourselves, each other and the world in which we live. It also means that the egg won’t crack when it falls or is pushed and it contains all the necessary lightness to arise itself. It is so true that when we base our life and relationships with each other on security, we adopt a way of living that keeps us bound to a way of relating to each other that is not founded on the fullness of the love we are.

     1. Absolutely, Liane, bound by the need for security we actually clip our wings and restrict our potential… this is a madness of our own making.

     2. It seems to me that a relationship built on the need for security is itself insecure. In fact when we live in pursuit of anything, we are in truth declaring that we do not have it – otherwise, why would we pursue it?

        1. Very true – we feel the ‘less’ and seek the ‘more’. It is a self-perpetuating cycle of futility set in place when we do not accept, honour and appreciate the depth of who we truly are.

486. I love your Humpty Dumpty story, Joel and this realisation alone: “we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole” is groundbreaking, in a world where we learn that we are nothing or not complete unless we have xyz.

     1. That is true to my experience too Ester, that we tend to make our lives dependent on that of our partner. If our partner is not doing well, we too are not doing well and visa versa. That kind of dependency is actually making ourselves and our relationship so much less compared to when we come from our independent fullness. Then one plus one is not two, it is much, much more.

487. What a great way of describing the devastation that can come with choosing to hold on a pattern when everything in life is lovingly indicating that it is time for it to go. ‘Humpty Dumpty shattered on the floor’ I so relate to how real the self created angst and drama of it can seem.

     Yet at the end of the day it all comes down to learning that we are so much more than those patterns. In fact as you say “when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall” and the end of any pattern means the new start of a more loving, open and joyful relationship in life.

488. Finally a joy-full ending for Humpty Dumpty. History rewritten. The belief that a relationship is 50/50 is flawed. In truth, relationships are 100/100 – with both parties in completely, with all that they are from a foundation of their own self love and fulfilment.

     1. Well said Richard – relationships are 100%/100%. So obvious now but when we believe that we are incomplete without our soul-mate we so think 50/50 is what it’s all about. What a hugely damaging, evil belief.

        1. And if we believe we are 50% responsible for our relationships, what happens to the other 50%? Responsibility is always 100%. If it isn’t it is irresponsibility.

        2. So very true Richard, “Responsibility is always 100%.” It shows how we twist and bent things to our own liking = irresponsibility.

     2. Brilliant Richard, I agree with what you’ve shared and no wonder so many people struggle with relationships, especially if we take on the belief that we are not complete without the other person/partner.

     3. We can be so invested in each other and enmeshed due to the 50/50 belief, that we may even believe we can’t move forward until the other does because our life depends so much on them.

489. When we feel that point in a relationship where ‘this isn’t working’ it’s important to recognise just what you share Joel; that “ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship”. In fact I would say that changing those patterns which no longer feel OK is the START of a true relationship – and not the end, whichever way it goes.

     1. Yes, yes. Love what you highlight here Rosanna. When we end a ‘way’ of relating which was based on insecurity it opens the door to the possibility of a true relationship.

490. Thank you Joel, awesomely expressed. This story has to me, always carried a sense of absurdity to it, like what a ridiculous drama!. It relates well to life and as you say the seeming ease with which we are disturbed. But are we really? The more I’ve explored this in my own life, the more I see the ‘falling off’ is a self inflicted distraction to sabotage and undermine how stunning and powerful we actually are.

491. If we are not happy in our relationship, rather than try to change the other, (which is a pointless exercise), all we have to do is deepen the connection with ourselves and it starts with getting honest and exposing all the ways we dishonour and disempower ourselves.

     1. I agree, this then becomes about us taking charge and taking full responsibility for our own patterns and behaviors, movements and actions. This can only be evolutionary for the person and for their relationship.

492. It’s a great way to put it Joel – it’s the end of a way of relating in a relationship. Communicating in this way brings a fuller understanding especially and very importantly when both agree.

493. “When my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.” – beautifully said Joel and so true.

494. So much addressed here. How needing another or how we put ‘our’ needs with another so are needs or theirs are fulfilled. How patterns can become ingrained and harmful to relationships not allowing true love, unfolding and expansion and also the most important .. if we do not have a solid foundation and relationship with ourselves then it is impossible to have the same with another. It is insidious to be told that we cannot survive without another and a complete lie. Ultimately yes we are all one and relationships are the basis of our life throughout all we do but we certainly do not need another person to be whole. Awesome to hear how so much has changed for you and your relationships.

495. Thank you Joel, your blog has brought me some important insights.. When something is going on in the relationship that we may think is difficult, its not a bad thing. We are being offered a way to see our patterns more clearly and then let them go so that we can relate more intimately with one another.

496. Joel – I absolutely love this blog. I am sure most, if not all of us can relate to this. Ultimately the despair of heartbreak is us feeling an emptiness within we have not been filling for ourselves (hence relying on others to do for us). Ending ways of relating that are based on need, wants and desires opens the doorway for a deeper relationship to be.. the questions then becomes, are we willing to connect with and appreciate everything that is gorgeous, sweet, strong and loving within ourselves and to share this with others unconditionally, everyday? Ultimately this is where committing to relationships deliver us.

497. Love it as always Joel…”ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship”. Developing a relationship with evolving ourselves is essential when it comes to relationships, and from there it is easy with one another.

498. Very inspiring Joel true change from within.

499. “ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.” – This simple line and this blog has changed my life, no joke here as I came to the end of relating to someone in a certain way I became aware more of the attachment to relating to patterns of behaviour than to the essence of the person (in both of us). It was not without it’s beautiful movements and a sense of deep connection but with every relationship we have to grow beyond our behaviours and patterns and end those we feel are not fostering or leading to true love.

     1. It still an amazing point Leigh that we can differentiate between ending a pattern of relating within a relationship, and not necessarily the actual relationship itself. It makes sense that relationships are also ever evolving and therefore they move in cycles of new beginnings and endings too.

500. This is lovely Joel and a great inspiration of the truth ” Which means I no longer need ‘all the kings’ men’, because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall. “

     1. No we don’t need all the kings men but we can choose to be with men and women precisely because we don’t need to be with them. We can choose to be with people because we don’t need anything back from them. When there is need, then this freedom is gone.

     2. I loved this too John, it is a very sweet and playful take on our hurts which just exposes how we can heal that which holds us back. The relationship to God and love is what is important and as that deepens hurts can be melted away.

501. So many gems of wisdom here, that we can change our way of relating without having a relationship end is huge and that we can relate to the person or the pattern – this one is a show stopper, as it clearly illustrates that we have a choice to relate to the whole person, or those suitable patterns we’ve created together. How amazing that there is an opportunity if we choose to let go the pattern and meet the person; Whole relationships, not ones based on patterns And it starts with how we relate to ourselves.

     1. When there is no need in how an outside relationship has to be but a forever commitment to deepen the relationship with ourselves, it changes the quality and deepens the intimacy of all our relationships, so simple and beautiful.

     2. Hello Monica – and so beautifully said in your comment – I agree with the “show stopper” as Joel has expressed things so clearly that it begs us all to look at our relationships (with self and others) and see how we are choosing to see things there and in life in general too…

     3. Yes it is huge we can change the ways of relating without ending the relationship. And what you say at the end about it starting with the relationship with ourselves I’m realising how possible it is because the way I’m relating with myself is changing and has changed so I can’t buy into the erroneous belief that that person is their patterns and will always be the same. Yes, sometimes there is a lot of work to be done but I can’t give up on myself; or offer others opportunity to relate with me differently because I’ve let go of patterns and introducing new way of relating that’s based on appreciation.

502. ‘I felt that if something went wrong in a relationship, it meant it was the end of the relationship’ – I can relate to the feeling of being devastated when things weren’t going well in my relationship. These days this is no longer the case (thankfully), and I put this down to having attended courses run by Universal Medicine and by looking at the patterns which I was holding onto personally and patterns playing out within our relationship, and heaps of appreciation.

503. I can remember many “Humpty Dumpty” moments when the sound of me falling to pieces must have been audible to those around me. But to now know that we can make the choice to get up again leaving the destructive patterns of the past behind is so very wonderful and healing. And I was delighted to read that Humpty Dumpty now has wings – that is very cool!

     1. We will never give up on any relationship when we do not give up on our relationship with ourselves. Beautiful Ingrid.

     2. Love it. Humpty Dumpty with wings never hits the ground and has all he needs to find higher and higher spots to sit.

     3. It is very cool that ‘Humpty Dumpty now has wings’. Why we do crash and destroy ourselves when really there is no need. It shows me how attached we can get to pictures and the way we want things to be rather than simply accepting the reality of our choices and where we are at, then no matter what happens we have an opportunity to learn, and evolve from rather than staying on the incessant merri-go-round of pain and anguish so many of us cling onto!

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