For most of my life I have used my mind to plan, organise and arrange every detail of the day-to-day. This calculation was mostly time based, as in when I would do things and what order I would do them in. Not only was each day planned to the minute, I would have things in place for months ahead.
To a large extent this really worked for me. I have been able to create a successful career, travel, become a homeowner, all the while managing family, work and relationships. Often I felt like a juggler with a lot of balls in the air – or one of those ‘plate spinners’ who would have a set of plates balancing on sticks where the aim was to keep all of the plates spinning so they wouldn’t fall to the ground. So yes, although this worked for me to a point – it was exhausting. All of the mental energy that went into this planning and calculation would sometimes leave me lying awake at night, allowing the same thoughts to swirl in my head, thinking that this was the way to be on top of everything and be in control of everything and everyone around me.
Reflecting back on this way of living now, I can see how it gave me a sense of control over my surroundings and with that, a sense of being safe in a world that had shown me it could be anything but safe. If I allowed myself to let my guard down, there might be some incident or experience that would come along and throw me off track, and at the time I really questioned whether I had the resources within myself to be able to deal with what had or would come my way. It was me against the world.
Throughout my childhood there had been experiences where I hadn’t felt safe, safe to be myself, safe to express what I was feeling and sometimes physically safe in a turbulent family environment.
Yet, there was always something deep inside me that also knew that I was constantly supported and held in a way that was far beyond the level of control and safety that was offered by my own calculation of life, down to the smallest detail. There was a sense and knowing that there was something more to life, more to me than just the details of the day-to-day and all that the world had told me that life was about. There was an inner part of me that felt more subtle and, when connecting to a sensitivity that I held deep within, I knew that there was more to life than the constant stream of thoughts and the worries about life that I’d made my exclusive focus.
Recognising the hold my mind has had over me, gradually and incrementally surrendering to the wisdom of my body and my own innate knowing, has awakened in me the connection I have to my own Soul – the body of love that is ever present and connects me not only to the deeper part of me, but also to God, the inner sense of something that we all connect to.
Something as simple as seeing a rainbow at the end of day where I felt I had been fully present in my work or a kookaburra sitting on a branch in the garden when I was feeling joyful after a phone call with a friend. Even as a child I had shared with my family that the rays coming from behind a cloud as the sun went down, to me represented God and something that I could connect with; it was something I could feel and know beyond what I had been taught.
When I accept that there is something greater than me that I am an integral part of and I let go of the control I have been exerting over my life, things begin to flow. When I go into calculation, I can feel that I am ahead of myself and not deeply connected to my body. I’ve observed this often leads to a sense of frustration when things don’t play out the way I have so carefully and meticulously imagined they should. However, when I am fully present with my body, there is a deep sense of presence and a connection to a well of wisdom that resides within, informing me of my next movement, a movement in line with what’s needed, not just for myself, but for everyone around me in that moment.
This gives way to a feeling of spaciousness where there is no rush, drive or push to attain and my body feels at ease and free of tension. This space and flow of movement in my body offers me the opportunity to respond to the next moment in the same way. This establishes a foundation of movement for responding to a flow of true impulses. There is a sense of detachment from outcomes and results, and I have the ability to more fully observe what is playing out around me.
Everything that needs to be attended to on a day-to-day basis is completed with more ease and a deep appreciation that my value is not in what I do or achieve, it is in the qualities that I am able to access when connected to a body of love that is innately within me. With that I bring a quality to every interaction and activity. It is these Soul based qualities of steadiness, integrity and a deep sense of harmony, that I connect to within that I unwaveringly know will support me and others. I have also come to accept and appreciate that my sensitivity is my greatest strength in that it allows me to read life and bring understanding to people and situations. Letting go of control and calculation and accepting that I can surrender to the Love of my Soul, instead of the thought processes from my head, is the unfolding foundation upon which I now live and move on a daily basis.
Observing the moments when I go into planning and calculation, I ask myself is this how my Soul would handle things? Developing a deeper relationship with my body, caring for it through the loving choices I make with food, exercise and sleep, has given me a foundation where I am able to more fully connect with my own inner knowing – the voice of my Soul. In this surrender I have found a deep sense of settlement that is far beyond the temporal safety of seeming control I had so dearly clung to – profoundly changing the way I live and move through life.