Relationships, Me and God

Relationships had never been my strong point. I had them, was in them, did not need them, but still managed to end up in them.

They were unavoidable… relationships were and are everywhere. We have relationships with everyone we meet: big, small, long term or short, we are all in one in one way or another.

However for me it was how I was in and around people that determined the kinds of relationships I had. For the most they were ‘good’ – they were reasonably safe. We had an exchange, we supported each other in what was needed: company, conversation, support in times of struggle and drama.

All these things most of us want and seek in a relationship, but is it what a true relationship is or should be? Or is it a level of comfort, an opportunity for us to continue along in life, not being asked to go deeper, to be transparent, completely open and surrendered to another, willing to reveal or live in our true state of tenderness and vulnerability?

There was no way I was prepared to allow myself to be totally transparent, tender, vulnerable or gentle, totally surrendering to another in all that was me and fully letting them in. I harboured way too many hurts of the past and pictures and images of how I wanted things to be, forever shifting the goal posts so that even if another got close to ticking the boxes, I would shift the goal and add a few more restrictions and demands into the mix. Meaning I would never have to fully let them in because they would never be able to live up to my ideal of how they and the relationship should be.

Expectations were high, their love for me always having to be proven – an unrealistic but safe way to play the relationship game.

This was a game I was very good at – one that, if I allowed it, could go on for my entire life, entering into relationships of convenience, arrangements that allowed me to stay where I was, holding others out, never letting them in to see just how vulnerable and tender I am.

Building my exterior armour, forever in the fear of being hurt, let down or disappointed. Brilliant really, what a great excuse I had set up, lived and played out my entire life. With friends, partners and family, no one was exempt from the standards I had set. Relationships of convenience, we both got what we wanted without having to let ourselves get too intimate, too seen or exposed.

I thought I was being loving, open, honest and supportive of others, but all the while I was forever gauging how I could keep them at a safe distance, protecting myself from the possibility of being hurt. The only true hurt that was occurring was me keeping myself held so tightly, so hard and withdrawn that I ached for true love, to allow myself to just be.

Clever and cunning are we, setting up ourselves and another in a game, you can almost see the pieces being moved by another hand, manipulation at its best, and we are the big-time players, all in the name of perceived protection. Demanding the love and support of another and yet not prepared to give that ourselves.

This is a game that no-one can win.

I have been observing myself in relationships, and it has been exposing, challenging a new level of responsibility I have not allowed myself to go to before.

The manipulation… how I set my partner up to fail in a deliberate attempt to justify the images I hold, the expectations I have of him. Doing things that I know will get a reaction from him, setting him up so when he does react I have an “I told you so” that justifies why I don’t open up and surrender in full. If he reacts, gets angry, doesn’t do something I’ve asked him to do, I’m justified in my actions and thoughts. Absurd, ridiculous, cunning and sneaky, knowing exactly what I am doing, setting the board, making the moves, then calling the shots.

The more I observe my behaviour the more I see how it plays out – excuses, justifications, deliberate sabotage. Asking myself: do I really want to be loved, what am I so afraid of, what is it I am really keeping at bay? I have spent many years keeping people at what I thought was a safe distance, entering into relationships that are safe, that allow and support me to continue playing my game of denial and protection.

Recently I became aware that the demands I have placed on my partner were all to avoid and hold back my own connection, not allowing the love to pour in and through me from my one love.

God’s love, it pours in and through all of us, and it is us who at any cost will hold that back, keep it at bay.

My partner was the perfect distraction and point of focus with me, demanding he love me and prove his love and dedication to me, all the while knowing that no matter what he did, I would continue to avoid the love on offer from above.

God’s love is forever running through my veins: it is felt and cannot be ignored. We can attempt to override it with the many distraction, addictions and games we play, but never does it stop knocking.

For some of us that knock becomes louder, more obvious, unavoidable. It is here we have a choice –– do we bring our focus to that which is within, allow that out, to truly love ourselves and others? No games, no pawns, no more moving of the goal posts, instead surrendering to the love that is on offer, putting an end to the need of love from another?

Simplicity is revealed: God’s love is stronger than, and can hold us deeper than, any emotional love from another. To surrender to and allow this brings a whole new dimension and understanding to relationships as I had known them to be.

In the past we were like pieces of a puzzle that fitted together, filling each other’s gaps and needs. Once I realised I had to fill my own gaps by loving and appreciating myself, allowing the Love of God in, my relationships changed dramatically. There was no longer a need; the expectations and pictures of how it should all be fell away, there was now an allowing of myself and others I had never had before.

As I become more allowing of the love on offer, surrendering to the will of God, Heaven that is knocking on my door, I can feel my levels of protection fall away and I am opening up to the potential of true relationships, to be seen warts and all, no judgement or criticism of self or others.

The spark we carry within burns bright: avoidance can only dim the spark, but never can we extinguish the love that pours in and through us.

By Nicole Serafin, 46, NSW, Australia

Published with permission of my partner.

Further Reading:
Appreciation in relationships
Relationships – Around and Around We Go
Relationships are always about evolving – the key to making relationships work

772 thoughts on “Relationships, Me and God

  1. I got to feel how we are always in relationship, I was in an aircraft being looked after by the steward and we had a chat about aviation etc., Because we are both in the industry of aviation. I came to realise it was not so much what I said but holding myself in a space that allows another to feel that they can open up and be heard. He was very open and friendly. As I was leaving the plane his professionalism kicked in and the open friendly man had vanished behind the mask of the company protocol. However the connection had been made.

  2. In my experience healing the hurt of being rejected and not met for who I am is a precious opportunity to consider the possibility that there is much more about me than I thought. Holding myself lovingly in this process, asking for help when it’s needed to make me realize how deeply loved we actually are. And how much we have to share as human beings about the beliefs around love and its true meaning.

  3. Nicole your honesty shows us that it’s possible to let go of protection and control and opening up to a new level of intimacy in the relationships we have. This starts with ourselves when we connect and realize that our first relationship is with God’s love within us.

  4. I came back to this blog and to read it again totally mirrors how I played the game of life too, I can so relate to this
    “…doesn’t do something I’ve asked him to do, I’m justified in my actions and thoughts. Absurd, ridiculous, cunning and sneaky, knowing exactly what I am doing, setting the board, making the moves, then calling the shots.”
    As you say Nicole we know exactly what we are doing and why we are behaving this way, to stop ourselves from feeling any potential for love. I have come to the understanding that I must know the love of God inside out otherwise I wouldn’t be able to reject it as I do.

  5. “I ached for true love, to allow myself to just be.” The Love of God is a constant flow and it is for us to reflect this Love from within us with every person and in every move we make.

  6. My relationship with me is my relationship with God; I have spent most of my life rejecting me and so rejected God. The first step was to put down the cudgel so that I could actually stop hitting myself, that gave me some space. From there it has been a journey of getting to know me from all the ideals and beliefs that I had absorbed growing up thinking they were my thoughts without once stopping to consider if I actually believed them or not.

  7. Nicole, the word that stood out for me today is the word ‘seen’. That’s huge because how many of us actually allow ourselves to be ‘seen’ in full, completely open, not many. What is it about being ‘seen’ or being transparent that we shy right away from?

  8. So true, even if we try ‘never can we extinguish the love that pours in and through us.’ ….. so why fight love? ✨

  9. Moving those goal posts is exhausting, playng the game is exhausting. Afterall, the love is pouring in from every angle so I need to make minute adjustments to the goal posts all the time. And it’s all for the sake of not being love; the most precious thing in the world to me and everyone. An elaborate and devastating game; when we are every bit of love we have ever wanted and all the while God has always been around us and pouring through us.

  10. Reading this ‘Recently I became aware that the demands I have placed on my partner’ reminded me of something I felt really clearly last week which is how do I ‘see’ people and also what do I hold them as. Meaning what projections or assumptions do I make on a person. If there has been an argument do I hold them (even on a subtle level) to that energy and being that way or ‘that’ person or do I not put anything on them and give them the space to be all that they are. It is great when we knuckle out the nitty gritty of our ill behaviours and ways turning the finger lovingly on ourselves to see how we are rather than pointing it at others.

  11. This is a great blog to be asking such questions because I feel it is asking us all to look deeper into our relationships so that they are not just an arrangement, comfort or support in times of struggle. We are all missing the vital ingredient which is self love. When we can love ourselves it becomes natural that we love others easily so.

  12. Gosh the games we play are exhausting!!!!!!! When we let go of these and actually allow love to flow both in and out from our being it is so much easier. I can still feel there is part of me that is holding onto some kind of protection .. time to let this go as it actually hurts us more when we don’t love and instead hold onto hurts and protection, when we fully let go of all of these there is no hurt.

  13. “The spark we carry within burns bright: avoidance can only dim the spark, but never can we extinguish the love that pours in and through us.” Once we start fuelling this spark all sorts of previously unimaginable magic occurs.

    1. Life can be utterly magical, totally marvellous and unbelievably majestic, how telling is it then that most of us have made it bland, unimaginative and repetitive to the point of tedium.

  14. We are so much more powerful than we give ourselves credit for and the pull back to truth is forever achingly reminding us through the unease in our body. What a gift – long may our soul hold us in so much love that it will not allow less than truth to be our lived way.

    1. My goodness – how supported are we that we can find out way back from such waywardness! Knowing how lost I have been myself I am constantly humbled when I connect with the level of detail that supports us to return.

      1. Me too, When I reconnect and feel the Love that is holding us and how much less stress and tension it is to surrender to that Love, I start to understand a smidgen of the Love that holds us on our return.

  15. The demanding of another of the love we’re not able to give ourselves is something I can relate to! What’s great is that every time I become aware of this I can let go of looking outside of myself and bring myself back to my connection with me and the love that I am.

  16. “Once I realised I had to fill my own gaps by loving and appreciating myself, allowing the Love of God in, my relationships changed dramatically.” Initially ‘to fill my own gaps’ seemed very daunting, however, with the loving support of Serge Benhayon and his family this has not been the case. Instead it is an ever unfolding joy.

    1. My question would be why do we have gaps in the first place? If we truly lived responsibly and lovingly, loving ourselves to the max which would then reflect to all those around us, including our children and families, then there would be no gaps that would need to be filled. It is possible all we need to do is change the way we are currently living.

  17. It is interesting how we can ‘think’ we are something ‘I thought I was being loving, open, honest and supportive of others, but all the while I was forever gauging how I could keep them at a safe distance, protecting myself from the possibility of being hurt.’ but when we allow ourselves to be honest and dig a little deeper more is revealed until eventually after much self-love, healing and willing to look at energetically what has been stored in our body (hurts, frustration, sadness, anger, resentment, wanting to control .. to name a few) we actually are loving, open, honest and supportive of others.

    1. Yes, we can live in illusion for so long in order to protect ourselves from feeling our hurts etc. Once we are willing to take down the defences and to be in Truth we discover there are layers, like an onion, that we have to keep peeling away. However there may be many layers but if we do the ‘peeling ‘ with love, love is always there to take us deeper and the Truth keeps expanding.

      1. Yes, love is always at the core but once we feel the layers we can think that it is scary because they have been our normal for such a long period of time. In fact, the scary bit should be the fact we have those layers in the first place, they are what should feel incredibly uncomfortable.

    2. Vicky that sentence struck a chord with me as well. It reminded me of the many things that over the years I have thought of as being me, all of which turned out to be ‘not me’. In fact not me at all.

  18. How can we expect another to be loving with us when it is us that has shut down our connection from divine love from God. I know if every movement, every breath of life was lived with this divine love there would be no need of emotional love from another but an open communication allowing a depth of beauty to be shared with all.

    1. And it is so gorgeous in those moments when we do manage to express from and with this divine love.

    2. “If every movement, every breath of life was lived with this divine love” then not only would there be no need to have emotional love but we would feel very clearly that emotional love acts like a barrier to divine love as it comes from a completely different energetic source. One is true, the other is not, one is divine the other is not, one represents God and the other one doesn’t. There are no similarities what so ever between the two.

    3. Christopher being around people whose every breath is one of divine love, wisdom and pure joy, shows humanity what is possible, rather than the humdrum of life that the majority of us have accepted, while all the time hating the what we have become a lesser version of the greatness we all are.

  19. Its interesting for me in reading this blog to see how I criticise my partner for not being loving but the more I uncover the truth of the situation, I can see how much protection I’ve been holding, making me right and her wrong, to justify my stance on why I’m not letting the protection down and the love out.

    1. Christopher we can justify our way out of any situation, the dawning of my understanding is that we are fed the thoughts that pour through our minds. The biggest lesson in life for me was that we do not think, thoughts are fed to us by an energy that controls us via our thoughts. So all of our justifications, projections, ideals, beliefs etc., are given to us. Is it possible we try to protect ourselves against the onslaught of the energy, rather than just allowing it to pass through us and not take it on as ownership to the thoughts, Because while we think we own the thoughts we are deaf by distraction to feeling the true energy of our soul that is with us always.

  20. What a gorgeous piece of writing Nicole, and at this point very valuable for me to reflect on what you offer.
    The game of protection can be deeply ingrained and a game nobody wins.

    1. I feel this question could be a wiggle around uncomfortably in your chair question for some! ‘How are we living if we can’t have loving relationships?’ All the same, a great one to ask because if we are honest we have the opportunity to let go of so much that does not support or evolve us in our relationships so they can truly develop, deepen, blossom and evolve ❤️

  21. We have so much to learn when it comes to relationships. Universal Medicine have truly supported me in having more awareness with this, starting with the relationship with myself ✨

  22. Some of the past ways of relationships you have described, felt very similar to how I felt about relationships too. And that behaviour of who I let in, how much I let in, still plays out now a days. However, as my relationship with God has evolved, so has my love for people, evolved too.

    Every single person I hold back from, is a reflection of what needs to be explored within me. When I am holding back from another, then I am holding back from another level of God too.

  23. ‘God’s love, it pours in and through all of us, and it is us who at any cost will hold that back, keep it at bay.’
    I for one am exhausted at keeping it at bay but it’s coming through me – how am I even thinking this is possible? Could it be that I’m filling up my body with all sorts of other energy that is toxic to my body and then I’m so full of rubbish I don’t get to feel the fact I am divine and there is a constant communication of this going on?

    1. Exactly Karin, we have put the emphasis on our thoughts we think we think when actually we are given the thoughts from a pool of energy that surrounds us. This is toxic to our bodies as we do not get to feel the fact that we are divine, because the toxicity blocks that flow deliberately as it is the polar opposite to the divine we all come from.

  24. Sometimes we may feel we are at a crossroads but we know which way to go. Keep deepening the love and appreciation for self and the reflection of a greater love begins to flow and comes our way.

  25. “Recently I became aware that the demands I have placed on my partner were all to avoid and hold back my own connection, not allowing the love to pour in and through me from my one love.” What an awesome realisation Nicole, one that evidently confirms that the quality of relationship is very clearly in our hands and hence exposes the games we play to avoid taking responsibility for the quality of our interactions.

    1. Knowing we cannot be or ask of another what we are not prepared to walk ourselves is very sobering. It is so much easier to blame and pretend to keep us in the illusion, but that never feels ‘quite right’ and the tension often needs medicating with something – hence the sobering aspect when honesty finally comes to call.

  26. ‘God’s love is forever running through my veins: it is felt and cannot be ignored.’ I love reading this and saying to myself, just let go, just be, life is so simple if I drop all the resistance.

  27. God’s love not only embraces us 24/7, but it is always at the ready to flow through us and touch everyone and everything in our path – if we just let it. Considering this fact brings a whole deeper understanding of insidiousness of the protection, games and strategies we engage in life.

  28. Healing one’s unresolved hurts is the greatest medicine to be able to be transparent in relationships.

      1. Very true Leigh, for without that honesty one is playing with smoking mirrors which resolve nothing.

      2. Absolutely being willing to be honest about how we are rather than pointing a finger at another.

  29. We are responsible for filling our own gaps and getting ourselves into ‘love’. That way its a responsibility for each and every one of us to be there. And if we all meet in this pool of ‘love’ then we meet each other in full, as was intended, and not in need.

  30. I used to think that being transparent “warts and all” was the hard part but actually it’s being transparent “Glory and all” that is the seeming greater challenge at the moment.

    1. That I can understand Leigh, accepting the beauty and Glory of who we are does seem a challenge that we are clearly up for.

    2. So true Leigh yet it seems so ironic that the greatest challenge is to express oneself in one’s fullness..

    3. Yes, being transparent is an incredible freedom, no more hiding, pretending, protecting just surrendering, living, breathing, serving… the list goes on!

  31. It’s a huge stop moment to consider all the hurts we focus on outside of ourselves can be alleviated from accepting the love within, and by letting go of the pictures and expectations we place on others. I am working through pictures at the moment and now I’m becoming aware of them I’m floored by just how many I’ve subscribed to and given my power to. The problem with pictures is that they simply are not real and they often don’t eventuate, and so the set up is perfect to continue being hurt and feeling emotional by life not meeting our expectations. Even if we live the picture we have it doesn’t have any true substance, so it will fall apart at some point as life has many variables that don’t play ball with how we prefer life to be.

    1. Melinda I totally agree with you that we are all riddled with pictures of how we want life to be, with all the justifications of why, because we have been let down, hurt, crushed as children. This is the time when we start to fantasize about how life could be. As adults we do not realise just how imposing and crushing we can be to a child when we don’t appreciate them fully for all that they are and bring to the world.

  32. “God’s love is stronger than, and can hold us deeper than, any emotional love from another”. It may take a while to get this, but once we do, relationships are changed for ever.

  33. Its only through relationships that we truly grow, relationships with our work colleagues, relationships with our family, relationships with the shop attendant, opening up, being who we are and allowing love in and out can sometimes feel super hard but is in truth the only way for us to go if we want to truly evolve.

    1. Yes, and I’ve felt it happen so naturally when I’ve dropped my protection – my judgement and comparison and started appreciating who I am and who we all are. Then gold happens naturally. We know what to do and say.

  34. Knowing how relationships of convenience of arrangements don’t work, we have something to work on, we can feel and express our vulnerability and tenderness instead. Relationships bring us an opportunity for constant reflection for us to learn.

  35. To be open to fully letting another in, is to drop the protection and see them for who they truly are, to either be inspired or to have no judgement in the choices they make, or have made and where they are at.

    1. Caroline absolutely we should not judge others in the choices they make. As we have no idea about what has come previously for them and how that is influencing how they are living today.

  36. I have recently come to realise that I have had a relationship with God most of my life. That relationship is my religion. I’ve never held with intermediaries between me and God, I like the direct approach.

  37. In relationships, we are constantly reflected back how we are behaving, whether we are reacting, whether we are judging or comparing, or whether we are holding someone where they are, I find it can change in a split second, but the knowing of God’s love pouring in and through all of us, is a huge support to feel how we behave is not who we are.

    1. It supports me to know the quality of relationships are more about myself than others. They reveal the truth of our relationship with self and willingness (or not) to respond lovingly to people regardless of how they present. It is always about us.

  38. To me God is the space that makes up our universe and that space has an intelligence that surpass anything our minds can know. What if our minds create what has already been created and it is just copying as a child copies from their parent. But it is just a copy; what if we stopped copying and instead tapped into the universal mind of space that constantly passes through us and lived from there? We seem to have tried everything else, have we tried living from the universal mind rather than our mind?

  39. I love feeling space, love, God, sparkle, truth, sureness and/or clarity in my body, flowing through my veins, in every cell. It not only makes like super inspiring but also super simple.

  40. All the relationships we ever have stay with us on some level – even if we choose not to see those people – and never can they not. If we choose to live love lovingly then everyone can feel that love if they choose to be open to feeling. It is the illusions of separation or severance that can be so challenging once we know the truth.

    1. That can be really obvious to most by being wary now after feeling burnt in a previous relationship. If there’s repetition then it’s within us that needs looking at and not them. But if there’s love in the relationship then it grows as we have love in more than that first relationship.

      1. There is nothing but relationships, relationships are quite literally all there is. Everything that we can see, hear and touch comes from our relationship with something. And so a really key question is what are we in relationship with?

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