For as long as I can remember I’ve been fearful.
As a child I feared anyone wielding authority and the dark of the night. As a teen I feared rejection and as an adult I’ve feared many things such as being a passenger in the car, flying, losing money, the dire consequences of global warming and conspiracy theories …
When I became a mum, I feared for my children’s safety and whether I was doing things ‘right’ as a parent. We were in and out of the Emergency Department a few times, and it didn’t get much easier as they grew up and made decisions that might have put them in danger.
But it never occurred to me just how much fear formed the foundation of my expression and what impact it had on how I raised my kids and how it would affect them. I can see the symptoms of it now as I look back; the over controlling, pandering, over thinking, the need for validation and the resulting lack of discipline for fear that I’d end up ruffling feathers.
And even though security and safety feel so comfortable, when I look back at my life, there is no evidence that security and safety were EVER there. My children were still in danger when they went out and drank alcohol and we still ended up homeless, losing most of our possessions and having to start over – no worry or control could change that!
But all that is yesterday – what about now?
Today I see myself in a world where fear is all around me. My fear has always been focused on personal issues; my children, family, work and health, etc. but now I am witnessing how far reaching fear is and how it is dividing us and distracting us from what is really important in life – our connection with one another.
Rather than feeling fear, I’m disgusted by what fear can do.
I can now see the lie that is fear – how it disempowers us and causes us to stay small. What’s playing out in the world right now is actually so exaggerated that it’s impossible to ignore – it’s all around us – how can we not see it?
And I still react by worrying and going into the fear like some old drama that’s always enticing me in, but I’m also noticing that I’m becoming more settled with it … as long as I live with a consistent connection to my inner heart by remaining consciously present in all my day to day activities, while bringing a gentle quality to all my movements and expression.
So, when I go into fear around my children’s choices, I realise that I have a choice too. Rather than succumbing to that fear and allowing it to be my expression, I can align to the magnificence of my Soul that we can all access and express from.
And I look at my life and realise that this was the case all along.
For example, when my newly born child spent the first night home from the hospital crying because I didn’t have enough milk and I feared my baby would die of starvation, I was shown that actually I could trust my body, our tender bond, and the way that I could naturally nurture this child. It was not something that I needed to try to do as my body just responded to the call.
When I feared that I wasn’t being a good parent or doing things the right way, there was something within me all the time that knew intuitively what to do, and when I surrendered to that wisdom, there was no fear, but instead, harmony and flow. Even when others were telling me the opposite, I felt the strength in that knowing.
There was also the fear that my children weren’t going to love me – and yet when I gave them space to be all of who they are rather than wanting them to need me, love was just there – no trying and no need to work on our connection.
And when I feared that I was less than them because they were expressing so much light compared to the fear that I felt within myself (a tough one to nominate), I could look at them and marvel at their light and feel it reflected within myself.
I could probably think of hundreds of examples like this when I had a choice of whether fear would dominate an otherwise possible evolving moment with my children.
When fear is my expression, I can observe that I feel the need to try to control situations. I realise that this connection between fear and control, even though it’s manifesting itself around all of us right now, is another disgusting game of creation that is aimed at dividing, separating and weakening our connection to the magnificence we all are and that we can all access.
When I become very still and connected to my body, I can let go of and renounce control and accept that at each moment I have the choice to be all of me and deepen my Livingness, bring more purpose to everything and hold that solid reflection for my family, friends and anybody else I meet.
I can allow everyone the space to choose while holding the truth that I feel.
And isn’t this what we need in this world? As I observe the world around me, I can see that reactions and fear can result in disruption, distraction, and division between families, friends, states and countries on a micro and macro scale …
But what would happen if we really let go of fear?
Perhaps we would have to look more closely at what we are really living and what we have called for.
Fear is what makes us rush into poor choices. Letting go of fear brings clarity and a steadiness that allows us to access wisdom that we can then live from day to day. We can only do that when we move and express in absolute love by giving space to everyone to make their choices freely whilst being steadfast in our own.