Being Gay

I grew up in a Catholic environment and at the age of 4 (yes, as early as that), I knew I was gay and that if I were to ever be in an intimate relationship with another, my natural expression was to do so with a woman. There was nothing sexual in this knowing as a young girl, just a simple knowing and that it felt super OK and natural, from inside of me. This was a beautiful time for I allowed myself to simply feel and be me for me.

Within a couple of years though, as I started to look outside of me and become indoctrinated into Catholicism some more, I began to hear messages that such a choice was a sin, that it was not normal or natural and that I would make God and everyone else very unhappy if I chose to be with a woman. There was even the message that having a same sex partner was inhuman, and if this was your expression, that there was something deeply wrong and even evil with you. This meant that you needed to be prayed for and healed so as to return to ‘God’s way’, the Church’s way. There was also of course, the nasty and very false threat that you could end up burning in hell.

This was all contra to everything I felt within. For me, my connection with God was already innate and I felt the holding of his deep love, available to everyone equally without any such discrimination or injustice. The rules of the Church felt incredibly hard and not of God’s words at all. The Church dictating that it represented God’s views and had the right to pass judgement did not feel OK. Two same sex partners building a loving relationship with themselves and others in their lives did not feel like any issue: the only issue with it seemed to be what others had created.

However, without fully claiming, accepting and expressing what I knew on the inside, I allowed outside ideals and beliefs to hide and bury this innate connection and, from a need of wanting to fit in, I complied with the mould of the Catholic Church. Moulding myself to something I am not has not been very pleasant I must say, for it has shut down firstly the fullness of who I am and secondly, the knowing that I am a divine Soul first and foremost, and that my expression here on Earth is to be honoured for what it naturally is because it forms part of a much larger divine jigsaw puzzle that I am not in control of. In choosing to comply with the Catholic Church I took a bigger step away from God than if I had honoured my true expression.

For many years, this has left me living as a shadow of myself and not fully committing and bringing all of me to life, with impacts to my wellbeing, work and personal relationships. For a significant period between my teens and early thirties, I was so caught in the external ideals that I tried being in relationships with men and would curse myself every time any inclination or thought towards being in a relationship with a woman was presented. I was super hard and harsh on myself, carrying huge guilt and the erroneous belief that I was unworthy in God’s eyes for potentially making the choice to love a woman.

A few years ago I attended a Universal Medicine workshop on relationships where two amazing women who had been in a long-term relationship presented on stage about how they had developed deeply loving and committed foundations with one another. This was shared from their lived experience. The way they related with each other and everyone in the room was incredibly tender, open, loving and encompassing of all in a way that I had not observed to the same depth, even in the heterosexual relationships that I was surrounded by growing up. There was nothing at all wrong with this true expression of love and it was in this moment that I woke up again to the truth within and felt the stirring of living the call of my natural expression with no holding back.

It has been a process since then to begin unpacking all the layers that I have taken on and to feel what it means to live being a woman of gay expression in full. Re-building my connection to myself, and learning to love, live and appreciate everything I am (not just being gay), is where I have begun. There is a glorious freedom to be returning to a connection with myself and God in a way that does not need to appeal or be recognised by outer rules and expectations. This applies to all aspects of my life and, with much more to continue to expand and deepen, is a forever unfoldment to which I am now the willing student.

In closing, I offer a huge heart felt thank you to Serge Benhayon, founder of Universal Medicine, for never giving up on presenting truth and love. The way he consistently meets everyone equally has allowed me to feel what I, and we, are all worthy of. Serge’s open support and public appreciation of those who have established true relationships in their lives, whether they be heterosexual or same sex, has also allowed me to feel that being gay is not in any way wrong or evil, and that any relationship based on true love and connection can be celebrated. What this man offers is the real deal and is nothing short of amazing.

By Susan Hayes, Wendouree, Victoria

Further Reading:
Expressing love in same sex relationships
Knowing I was gay
There is no Right and Wrong in God

584 thoughts on “Being Gay

  1. There are so many holes in religion as we know it today, holes that have no answers or explanations. Energetic laws however don’t have that, they are simply facts and we can all feel it, we all know it.

  2. No matter the circumstance, when we override truth we learn to live a lie. We then must carry this weight with us until such a time that the lie can be renounced and the truth is restored and lived once again.

  3. When we don’t claim, accept and express what is on the inside it diminishes us and we are not able to commit ourselves fully because we are not fully with ourselves. Being who we truly are brings back the joy to life, it brings back the spring in our step and the loving connection with others.

  4. The reflection and inspiration we can offer one another simply through the way we live and openly expressing what is true for us can be so powerful, like you share here from seeing the presentation from the two amazing women who spoke from their lived experience and what this then sparked off in you…

  5. The Catholic Church certainly has a lot to answer for in terms of how it has treated people. The whole concept of sin is pure evil and needs to be seen as that to address the poison that it has put into people’s bodies through subscribing to this false concept.

  6. We know that God is all loving, fair and just with no discrimination, bias or judgement on anyone regardless of sexual orientation, culture, colour or creed. It is only humans that place judgement on another and organisations, such as the Catholic Church that express their bias and discrimination are showing themselves up for where they are at!

  7. Developing an understanding that we are all Love and our way of living can never be condemned or ridiculed, as it is up to us all in our own time to return to the nurturing sacredness of the Love we all are. One also has to understand the boundaries in life through true principles shared through Loving discipline and the consequences of not being Love from a young age.

  8. To know from such an early age what was true for you and then have it thwarted and denied by the Catholic Church and made to feel sinful and not ‘normal’ is the evil that exists within the Church.

  9. “Two same sex partners building a loving relationship with themselves and others in their lives did not feel like any issue: the only issue with it seemed to be what others had created.” – Absolutely agree with you, there are many false beliefs around whether it is okay to be gay or not, that to me are simply exposed in the light of respecting and honouring true love.

  10. “In choosing to comply with the Catholic Church I took a bigger step away from God than if I had honoured my true expression”. This is the absolute truth. Any moulding of ourselves to fit to any religious, cultural, sexual etc norms is a denying of who we actually are and must mean stepping away from God. If we are made in Gods’ image, why would he create defective beings? We are by essence as was intended to be and we need to embrace that.

  11. Can you really imagine God with all his love and wisdom that he would discriminate because people are gay or want to express love to another of the same sex? It is so sad to see that the bastardisation of religion or Gods words have done so much damage to many the sons of God on earth. Its really like an act of extreme criminality and evil as such bastardisation has a long damaging effect on people to feel lesser, rather than rejoice in love with another. Thanks, Susan for sharing your story.

  12. This vey honest account of self re-discovery is one that very openly exposes the harm that some ‘religious’ beliefs have on people. This is one life that has been turned around and re-discovered from within, but there are so so many people who have given themselves over to a doctrine or belief system that has robbed them of their innate sense of true self and not one that is approved by someone in self-acclaimed power over others.

  13. In Serge you have experienced the truth of religion – a relationship based on love and openness that does not judge. This is a very powerful sharing as it shows how many things are set up in society to not let us be who we truly are.

  14. We learn to judge ourselves, to criticize ourselves, to change ourselves for others, to put ourselves down, to not value who we are, etc etc. But where does this come from? It cannot come from within for when we are born with the essence of who we are there is none of this self-judging talk…so it must come from the outside, sourced from an energy that is not who we originally are…

  15. Gorgeous sharing Susan, and I feel this is something we can all relate to – so it is that there is a conditioning that happens when we are very young, and continues on in life till such point where we realise that we do not have to play ball with fitting into the box, and that no one should fit into the box. It is about letting out who we are. Simpe but not always easy as we let go of the layers as you have shared in your deeply heartfelt blog.

    1. There is such a truly beautiful simplicity in love and in opposition to that many ‘boxes’ that we can think we need to tick or fit into, rather than as you say simply express from who we are in our innermost.

  16. There are so many lies that have been let run wild in this world, we have our hands full weeding them out. But we should never forget to stunning delicacy we all innately possess, which just becomes so much clearer as we flower.

  17. Very beautifully said Susan, We have allowed institutionalised religions to suppress much of our true expression. As a “heterosexual” I have lived with the crushing belief that being sexually intimate is only for conception otherwise it is dirty and shameful and that it needs to be hidden. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and how he has helped us all see through these lies.

  18. I am with you Susan in that, what Serge Benhayon offers is the real deal and is absolutely amazing. Serge is exposing the lies we live in and with, he has an endless love for humanity. Our society is not based on love and truth, Serge is shining his light ,which is very needed, on all aspects of life and inspires us to live in the same way, I feel very blessed to know him and his family.

  19. When God gets humanized, He gets attributed one way, the rest being ill deviations and if you happen to be ‘deviated’ it is divinely ok to get demonized … in the name of God.

  20. I don’t reckon that God would really mind what sexual orientation a person has, as this is all just human level world affairs and I am pretty sure that God would be far more concerned with the quality of the relationship rather than the gender of the people, because if God is indeed a God, then wouldn’t he prefer to hold a bigger universal view of life rather than be tied up in the dynamics of what is politically correct in same sex relations?

  21. How gorgeous that you have come to this beautiful place within yourself where you can celebrate yourself for all that you are and totally accept and appreciate your natural expression.

  22. Great to read Susan you find your way to open to be you in full and to let the issues where they belong… with the people with the narrow view of life.

  23. How devastating is it to know in the body of our cells truth, but to dismiss it in order to fit into societal beliefs?

  24. ‘I offer a huge heart felt thank you to Serge Benhayon, founder of Universal Medicine, for never giving up on presenting truth and love.’ Susan, I share your heart felt thank you. In re-revealing the truth about life with so much understanding as to why we deviate from it, we can begin to live, once more, with a backing of ourselves and all the choices we make. There then becomes a lessening of our reactions to the outside that says we are wrong and we can live what is true for us being less encumbered.

  25. True relationships and love, beyond the many and varied ‘rules’ we impose (different ones depending on social, cultural and/or familial conditions) represent the simplicity and magic of God.

  26. ‘This was a beautiful time for I allowed myself to simply feel and be me for me.’ How you express how you were when you were 4 is so beautiful, I can feel how the outer stuff that is not love can corrupt us and how pure we truly are. What you’ve written is a beautiful call to return to the loveliness of who we truly are whatever is going on in the world around us. I have glimpses of this in my day where usually I would have felt very intimidated by strong forces around me and coming at me, and feeling like I don’t have to lose myself to them.

  27. How can we ever be evil if we live to that what we feel from within. It is the human thinking in disconnection with who we are that made the rules and call something that is natural evil. No I know what true evil is, as it is everything that comes from living in this disconnection.

    1. Yes, everything that comes from living in this disconnection brings more disconnection and the evil compounds until we return to what we feel from within – even if that is the honesty of feeling the ugliness that the disconnection allowed through.

      1. Yes Karin, we have to become honest of our own choices and face the true ugliness WE have allowed into our lives by choosing to disconnect from that universal love we all belong to.

  28. After recently reading a great blog on this same site on self-doubt, I can see now just how much ‘self-doubt’ is a paramount factor that the Catholic church has instilled in millions of people across the globe for thousands of years- taking young children who already have a deep connection with God, know, appreciate, and accept themselves and others, and can express from that space, and inserting self-doubt into their minds to the point that they give all that up to believe in numerous lies that are used to control people and gain wealth for the Church.

    1. Yes Michael, self doubt is not natural to us and is massively planted into the minds of people by the religious institutions like the catholic church in their pursuit to have power over the people, instead of to unite them as a true religion would do.

  29. As a child, we do not see anything wrong with being gay and it is perfectly natural to us. It is only when we pick up from the adults around us and older children that something does not fit with how we feel about things.

  30. We all have a right to feel at ease in our own skin. Society is an interesting mish-mash of ideals and beliefs that can often be so judgemental that it squashes that ability to live that simply.

  31. A while back I was having a discussion with an older person of the faith you mention and she was saying that this certain celebrity was not right and all these bad things about her and I said that I thought she was ok and why did she think these things about her and was it because she was gay, which was the reason. I said that by saying being gay was wrong it was like saying God had made a mistake or God was wrong, for which she had no reply.

    1. It is very cool when we can have these discussions with each other and if, without judgement and reaction, we can explore our beliefs and where they have come from. When I have done this I usually find the quick sand my beliefs are based on quite quickly.

  32. When we try and fit into outside ideals, we in fact take ourselves further away from ourselves and thus from God. The cruelty of the rules we set up and the prisons it creates for us is atrocious, and feeling it this morning, I feel the utter evil of it …. these rules are deliberately designed to crush us and in being crushed, we do not live the joy and beauty of who we truly are, gay, straight, black or white etc. We’re all an equal part of the puzzle and our unique expression is needed by all.

  33. Being heterosexual is not the guarantee for a loving relationship that it is made out to be; love is love and love does not care whether it is from man to man, woman to woman or between a woman and a man. Only institutions and authorities have made it complicated and used it to cement their forceful hold.

    1. So true, the only guarantee to being in a loving relationship is to be you, be what we are made of, be love. If we lived that love, then we would know God intimately and see there is not a smidgen of judgement about who we love.

    2. Allowing love to be our leading light in relationships is the ‘guarantee’ of true relationships and this does not fit any paradigm about length, gender and/or being endlessly cosy.

  34. The catholic church has a lot to answer for! The damage this church has spread across the globe is enormous.

  35. Truth is known in our heart, not in abstract rules, ideals and beliefs. As a rule of thumb it’s clear to say that any statement that makes another wrong or less is coming from a judgemental place – Love has nothing to do with this. Thank you Susan for sharing here.

  36. This just goes to show how important it is for each and every one of us to fully claim our truth and the truth of who we are ‘However, without fully claiming, accepting and expressing what I knew on the inside, I allowed outside ideals and beliefs to hide and bury this innate connection and, from a need of wanting to fit in’

  37. To be simply who we truly are comes with no pictures, expectations or gauges – it just simply and powerfully is.

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