Being Gay

I grew up in a Catholic environment and at the age of 4 (yes, as early as that), I knew I was gay and that if I were to ever be in an intimate relationship with another, my natural expression was to do so with a woman. There was nothing sexual in this knowing as a young girl, just a simple knowing and that it felt super OK and natural, from inside of me. This was a beautiful time for I allowed myself to simply feel and be me for me.

Within a couple of years though, as I started to look outside of me and become indoctrinated into Catholicism some more, I began to hear messages that such a choice was a sin, that it was not normal or natural and that I would make God and everyone else very unhappy if I chose to be with a woman. There was even the message that having a same sex partner was inhuman, and if this was your expression, that there was something deeply wrong and even evil with you. This meant that you needed to be prayed for and healed so as to return to ‘God’s way’, the Church’s way. There was also of course, the nasty and very false threat that you could end up burning in hell.

This was all contra to everything I felt within. For me, my connection with God was already innate and I felt the holding of his deep love, available to everyone equally without any such discrimination or injustice. The rules of the Church felt incredibly hard and not of God’s words at all. The Church dictating that it represented God’s views and had the right to pass judgement did not feel OK. Two same sex partners building a loving relationship with themselves and others in their lives did not feel like any issue: the only issue with it seemed to be what others had created.

However, without fully claiming, accepting and expressing what I knew on the inside, I allowed outside ideals and beliefs to hide and bury this innate connection and, from a need of wanting to fit in, I complied with the mould of the Catholic Church. Moulding myself to something I am not has not been very pleasant I must say, for it has shut down firstly the fullness of who I am and secondly, the knowing that I am a divine Soul first and foremost, and that my expression here on Earth is to be honoured for what it naturally is because it forms part of a much larger divine jigsaw puzzle that I am not in control of. In choosing to comply with the Catholic Church I took a bigger step away from God than if I had honoured my true expression.

For many years, this has left me living as a shadow of myself and not fully committing and bringing all of me to life, with impacts to my wellbeing, work and personal relationships. For a significant period between my teens and early thirties, I was so caught in the external ideals that I tried being in relationships with men and would curse myself every time any inclination or thought towards being in a relationship with a woman was presented. I was super hard and harsh on myself, carrying huge guilt and the erroneous belief that I was unworthy in God’s eyes for potentially making the choice to love a woman.

A few years ago I attended a Universal Medicine workshop on relationships where two amazing women who had been in a long-term relationship presented on stage about how they had developed deeply loving and committed foundations with one another. This was shared from their lived experience. The way they related with each other and everyone in the room was incredibly tender, open, loving and encompassing of all in a way that I had not observed to the same depth, even in the heterosexual relationships that I was surrounded by growing up. There was nothing at all wrong with this true expression of love and it was in this moment that I woke up again to the truth within and felt the stirring of living the call of my natural expression with no holding back.

It has been a process since then to begin unpacking all the layers that I have taken on and to feel what it means to live being a woman of gay expression in full. Re-building my connection to myself, and learning to love, live and appreciate everything I am (not just being gay), is where I have begun. There is a glorious freedom to be returning to a connection with myself and God in a way that does not need to appeal or be recognised by outer rules and expectations. This applies to all aspects of my life and, with much more to continue to expand and deepen, is a forever unfoldment to which I am now the willing student.

In closing, I offer a huge heart felt thank you to Serge Benhayon, founder of Universal Medicine, for never giving up on presenting truth and love. The way he consistently meets everyone equally has allowed me to feel what I, and we, are all worthy of. Serge’s open support and public appreciation of those who have established true relationships in their lives, whether they be heterosexual or same sex, has also allowed me to feel that being gay is not in any way wrong or evil, and that any relationship based on true love and connection can be celebrated. What this man offers is the real deal and is nothing short of amazing.

By Susan Hayes, Wendouree, Victoria

Further Reading:
Expressing love in same sex relationships
Knowing I was gay
There is no Right and Wrong in God

601 thoughts on “Being Gay

  1. There is something seriously wrong with the way we look at life if we end up accepting and sanctioning as ‘normal’ so much abusive and loveless behaviour (as see in our media, on the internet and in general society) and yet we can make life difficult for those who are committed to loving relationships because they have the same gender. Even more preposterous when we attempt to pin this abusive response to our fellow brothers & sisters on God.

  2. Race, religion, sexual orientation – what do any of these things really mean or matter when it comes down to the fact that the same red river runs in our veins and we are all from the same source? Susan your sharing is beautiful and truly does show that “any relationship based on true love and connection can be celebrated.”

  3. When we mold ourselves to fit in and get approval, when we hide who we are, we show and live only a shadow of who we are. This is not a natural way of being and hence takes its toll on us. Any form of natural expression that is repressed will eventually come out in a way that is not natural. Hence our best medicine is to express ourselves naturally to the best of our capacity and not hold back what we know to be true for ourselves. This of course is easier said than done in a world where natural expression is often not supported, and also with our ingrained habit of seeking approval over and above letting our natural expression come out.

  4. To me this really shows how easily we can give our power away to situations outside of ourselves to bring us what we want, like going to church to have relationship with God even though we do not need the church to have this as it is innately in us.

  5. What right do we have to judge another on the type of relationship we choose? When we come from God there is not one ounce of judgement in our body. God does not judge so why should we exposing an arrogance that simply comes from ideals and beliefs we have taken on for us to heal.

  6. ‘Serge’s open support and public appreciation of those who have established true relationships in their lives, whether they be heterosexual or same sex, has also allowed me to feel that being gay is not in any way wrong or evil.’ As a heterosexual woman, myself, I was always hurt and dismayed by the Church’s views on homosexuality and in general, some of the prejudice that society held against gay men and women. Personally, I never saw anything wrong with it and felt the injustice acutely. It was such a breath of fresh air hearing Serge talk about all relationships publicly and supporting gay couples. Love is love and can break all cultural, societal and prejudiced barriers.

  7. We are told that God will punish us for being attracted to the same sex person, there are such taboos in many religions not just the Catholic. God doesn’t discriminate, he/she just loves us for who we truly are, its people who discriminate and we inherit these beliefs and behaviours if we allow it.

    Love is Love, it does not differ for a dark skinned person to a white skinned person, for a woman to man, woman to woman or man to man – it is the same and from the one source – GOD.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s