I grew up in a Catholic environment and at the age of 4 (yes, as early as that), I knew I was gay and that if I were to ever be in an intimate relationship with another, my natural expression was to do so with a woman. There was nothing sexual in this knowing as a young girl, just a simple knowing and that it felt super OK and natural, from inside of me. This was a beautiful time for I allowed myself to simply feel and be me for me.
Within a couple of years though, as I started to look outside of me and become indoctrinated into Catholicism some more, I began to hear messages that such a choice was a sin, that it was not normal or natural and that I would make God and everyone else very unhappy if I chose to be with a woman. There was even the message that having a same sex partner was inhuman, and if this was your expression, that there was something deeply wrong and even evil with you. This meant that you needed to be prayed for and healed so as to return to ‘God’s way’, the Church’s way. There was also of course, the nasty and very false threat that you could end up burning in hell.
This was all contra to everything I felt within. For me, my connection with God was already innate and I felt the holding of his deep love, available to everyone equally without any such discrimination or injustice. The rules of the Church felt incredibly hard and not of God’s words at all. The Church dictating that it represented God’s views and had the right to pass judgement did not feel OK. Two same sex partners building a loving relationship with themselves and others in their lives did not feel like any issue: the only issue with it seemed to be what others had created.
However, without fully claiming, accepting and expressing what I knew on the inside, I allowed outside ideals and beliefs to hide and bury this innate connection and, from a need of wanting to fit in, I complied with the mould of the Catholic Church. Moulding myself to something I am not has not been very pleasant I must say, for it has shut down firstly the fullness of who I am and secondly, the knowing that I am a divine Soul first and foremost, and that my expression here on Earth is to be honoured for what it naturally is because it forms part of a much larger divine jigsaw puzzle that I am not in control of. In choosing to comply with the Catholic Church I took a bigger step away from God than if I had honoured my true expression.
For many years, this has left me living as a shadow of myself and not fully committing and bringing all of me to life, with impacts to my wellbeing, work and personal relationships. For a significant period between my teens and early thirties, I was so caught in the external ideals that I tried being in relationships with men and would curse myself every time any inclination or thought towards being in a relationship with a woman was presented. I was super hard and harsh on myself, carrying huge guilt and the erroneous belief that I was unworthy in God’s eyes for potentially making the choice to love a woman.
A few years ago I attended a Universal Medicine workshop on relationships where two amazing women who had been in a long-term relationship presented on stage about how they had developed deeply loving and committed foundations with one another. This was shared from their lived experience. The way they related with each other and everyone in the room was incredibly tender, open, loving and encompassing of all in a way that I had not observed to the same depth, even in the heterosexual relationships that I was surrounded by growing up. There was nothing at all wrong with this true expression of love and it was in this moment that I woke up again to the truth within and felt the stirring of living the call of my natural expression with no holding back.
It has been a process since then to begin unpacking all the layers that I have taken on and to feel what it means to live being a woman of gay expression in full. Re-building my connection to myself, and learning to love, live and appreciate everything I am (not just being gay), is where I have begun. There is a glorious freedom to be returning to a connection with myself and God in a way that does not need to appeal or be recognised by outer rules and expectations. This applies to all aspects of my life and, with much more to continue to expand and deepen, is a forever unfoldment to which I am now the willing student.
In closing, I offer a huge heart felt thank you to Serge Benhayon, founder of Universal Medicine, for never giving up on presenting truth and love. The way he consistently meets everyone equally has allowed me to feel what I, and we, are all worthy of. Serge’s open support and public appreciation of those who have established true relationships in their lives, whether they be heterosexual or same sex, has also allowed me to feel that being gay is not in any way wrong or evil, and that any relationship based on true love and connection can be celebrated. What this man offers is the real deal and is nothing short of amazing.
By Susan Hayes, Wendouree, Victoria
Further Reading:
Expressing love in same sex relationships
Knowing I was gay
There is no Right and Wrong in God
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
This is pure indoctrination and to me pure evil
‘There was even the message that having a same sex partner was inhuman, and if this was your expression, that there was something deeply wrong and even evil with you. This meant that you needed to be prayed for and healed so as to return to ‘God’s way’, the Church’s way. There was also of course, the nasty and very false threat that you could end up burning in hell.’
This is not God’s way but the church’s way the church has a knack of suggesting that God is all about fire and brimstone, hell and fury when actually from my own experience he is the complete opposite.
‘For me, my connection with God was already innate and I felt the holding of his deep love, available to everyone equally without any such discrimination or injustice.’ The contrast between this and the teachings of the Catholic Church (‘there was even the message that having a same sex partner was inhuman, and if this was your expression, that there was something deeply wrong and even evil with you. This meant that you needed to be prayed for and healed so as to return to ‘God’s way’, the Church’s way. There was also of course, the nasty and very false threat that you could end up burning in hell’) is so palpable and when juxtaposed together exposes completely the lack of love and manipulation within the church.
‘In choosing to comply with the Catholic Church I took a bigger step away from God than if I had honoured my true expression.’ This says so much about the corruption of the church and how it can manipulate if we allow it to.
This is another example of the corruption and lack of true love in the Catholic Church.
Exposing the evil of the catholic church or anything for that matter that says we cannot be true to ourselves and what we feel. Also the sheer arrogance of lying to another. God/The Divine, Heaven is within us all equally, so that connection is for us to feel, deepen and behold as we feel too that no one else can give us this or tell us what to do with it or dictate to us what we should be and how we should live. Lies are built on and from fear, fear that a person, religion or group will and can no longer have a hold on or over others. So awesome to hear that you are re-building your connection to yourself, and learning to love, live and appreciate everything you are ✨
Vicky I definitely feel that the the religion of the Roman Catholic Church is evil that this religion feels it has the ear of God and that we are all sinners in one way or another. The extent of their control over the world population is enormous, the institution is the biggest in the world, no one really knows the extent of the wealth of this religion. They are a law unto themselves this has been proven time and time again. Priests can be found guilty of pedophilia and nothing happens to them. Yet if that was somebody else they would face a jail sentence. Which shows the group is so powerful it considers itself above common law.
It does seem that the Catholic Church are a law unto themselves, their priests commit the most heinous crimes, and yet are never held to account; in fact they are moved to another area of the country where they commit these crimes yet again.
Religion peddling beliefs without any love (i.e., without God) to me should really not call itself religion. I feel it’s inhumane to tell gay people they are evil or faulty in any way. Jesus never spoke about gay people, but he did share about love and brotherhood. If the Catholic Church is promoting division and judgement we do know deep down it has nothing to do with God. They would be better off talking about the evils of pedophilia, torture and genocide, all very dark marks on both the catholic church’s history and present activity.
The two presenters you mentioned blow me away – not because they are in a same-sex relationship but the sheer connection between them is awe-inspiring. And that isn’t as a result of what gender they physically are.
I wonder if in the ancient days, being gay was actually judged as wrong. Not in the near history, but thousands of years ago. Or was it just as normal as being heterosexual?
Many of us claim that we’re open, that we don’t think that there’s anything wrong with being gay, but how many of us are truly accepting of others’ sexuality – regardless of their orientation. We say the words and believe it in our heads, but I find that unless we really understand that being gay is just the same as being heterosexual, that nobody needs to come out as gay, just like nobody needs to come out as “straight”, we are not truly embracing of everybody and there is still a judgement or a perception which is held against another based on their preference.
This idea that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us, and that we need to be fixed, it is something so many of us get sold. It is totally crippling, and it is the best way to incubate the consumers that will be very obliging to be part of this House of Lies as it inhabitants.
It is totally atrocious that we are fed to believe that there is something wrong with ourselves, such a lie and corruption, that has kept many on the wheel of trying to make themselves better.
“This was beautiful time for I allowed myself to simply feel and be me for me’ – I love this statement. It feels so pure and loving and a sense of innocence in that this is a “normal” feeling. And then the imposition comes in and we lose what we allowed to feel.
Thank life that we have someone who brings that back to us, it’s within us all and has been for a long time, it just needs us to remove that which isn’t ours.
I felt joy reading your blog Susan, thank you for writing and expressing here. As you share,” any relationship based on true love and connection can be celebrated.” 100%.
There is something seriously wrong with the way we look at life if we end up accepting and sanctioning as ‘normal’ so much abusive and loveless behaviour (as see in our media, on the internet and in general society) and yet we can make life difficult for those who are committed to loving relationships because they have the same gender. Even more preposterous when we attempt to pin this abusive response to our fellow brothers & sisters on God.
Golnaz humanity is starting to question the media and the role it plays to ensure that the information that is given is what the establishment want us to know, which often is not the truth of a situation. It seems so easy to pin the blame on God so then we do not have to take any responsibility for the society we have all had a hand in building.
Yes, it’s back to front, certain behaviours that are in fact abuse are allowed, whereas loving behaviour has been condemned by certain judging religious institutions.
Race, religion, sexual orientation – what do any of these things really mean or matter when it comes down to the fact that the same red river runs in our veins and we are all from the same source? Susan your sharing is beautiful and truly does show that “any relationship based on true love and connection can be celebrated.”
When we mold ourselves to fit in and get approval, when we hide who we are, we show and live only a shadow of who we are. This is not a natural way of being and hence takes its toll on us. Any form of natural expression that is repressed will eventually come out in a way that is not natural. Hence our best medicine is to express ourselves naturally to the best of our capacity and not hold back what we know to be true for ourselves. This of course is easier said than done in a world where natural expression is often not supported, and also with our ingrained habit of seeking approval over and above letting our natural expression come out.
To me this really shows how easily we can give our power away to situations outside of ourselves to bring us what we want, like going to church to have relationship with God even though we do not need the church to have this as it is innately in us.
What right do we have to judge another on the type of relationship we choose? When we come from God there is not one ounce of judgement in our body. God does not judge so why should we exposing an arrogance that simply comes from ideals and beliefs we have taken on for us to heal.
‘Serge’s open support and public appreciation of those who have established true relationships in their lives, whether they be heterosexual or same sex, has also allowed me to feel that being gay is not in any way wrong or evil.’ As a heterosexual woman, myself, I was always hurt and dismayed by the Church’s views on homosexuality and in general, some of the prejudice that society held against gay men and women. Personally, I never saw anything wrong with it and felt the injustice acutely. It was such a breath of fresh air hearing Serge talk about all relationships publicly and supporting gay couples. Love is love and can break all cultural, societal and prejudiced barriers.
Subscribing to the ideals and beliefs of a religion that discriminates against others is choosing to hate our fellow humans.
If there is separative dogma with a ‘religion’ it is man made, that is created.
We are told that God will punish us for being attracted to the same sex person, there are such taboos in many religions not just the Catholic. God doesn’t discriminate, he/she just loves us for who we truly are, its people who discriminate and we inherit these beliefs and behaviours if we allow it.
Love is Love, it does not differ for a dark skinned person to a white skinned person, for a woman to man, woman to woman or man to man – it is the same and from the one source – GOD.
God does not judge or discriminate, he just loves, a lesson for us all to learn and live by.
Love does not play ball with any sort of discrimination so if there is any form of discrimination then there is no love – it is that simple.
From whom came all those rules on how we Should live? Not from God. For God is love and does not make rules? So what unloving forces try to impact us with lies that try to own us because we give our power away.
It does not matter who we share the bed with. The Question is more if we make it about love or not, and this has nothing to do with gender.
Yes, where did all those rules come from, certainly not from God.
This path of yours is one that so many of us are on at the moment – knowing our truth and our connection to God innately as a young child, for whatever reason our truth (yours being gay here) is not supported in this world (and often condemned) and then we shut it down, and then seek externally to fill the gap/tension of it not being there. It naught works (despite our best efforts) until we restore our connection to God and our truth.
The harm done by this church and others in regards specifically to same sex relationships and society in general, has been influenced for thousands of years is so damaging and I would imagine many lives have been ended due to the The suppression and being outcast. It’s criminal and I am so glad that we are now in an era where that is losing its grip in most parts of the western world. We can change very quickly when we want, it only takes a generation.
The way the church behaves is criminal, yet they have never been held to account for their behaviours.
Never doubt for one second our inner knowing of what love is. This truth will be the foundation to life.
There are so many holes in religion as we know it today, holes that have no answers or explanations. Energetic laws however don’t have that, they are simply facts and we can all feel it, we all know it.
No matter the circumstance, when we override truth we learn to live a lie. We then must carry this weight with us until such a time that the lie can be renounced and the truth is restored and lived once again.
When we don’t claim, accept and express what is on the inside it diminishes us and we are not able to commit ourselves fully because we are not fully with ourselves. Being who we truly are brings back the joy to life, it brings back the spring in our step and the loving connection with others.
Elaine what you write is very beauti-ful, ‘When we don’t claim, accept and express what is on the inside it diminishes us and we are not able to commit ourselves fully because we are not fully with ourselves.’ For many people they cannot express themselves in full for fear of retribution and so live life in the shadows. But now there is a way to live that actually brings back the joy to life and our loving connection to others, this way is called The Way of The livingness and those people who chose to live this way are in the joy of life.
Love is love, it is beautiful Susan how you unpacked the beliefs, ideals and pictures that the church and society carry around being gay.
Love is love, and so, ‘any relationship based on true love and connection can be celebrated.’
The freedom to be and live who you are is to know the ever deepening love within.
The reflection and inspiration we can offer one another simply through the way we live and openly expressing what is true for us can be so powerful, like you share here from seeing the presentation from the two amazing women who spoke from their lived experience and what this then sparked off in you…
The amount of suppression that occurs because of ideals and beliefs from institutions is vast.
Michael I agree with you I do not feel that humanity is aware of the extent of the suppression we are all controlled by.
Many people do not know, or want to know, how much we are suppressed and controlled, like sheep, by fear and corruption.
The Catholic Church certainly has a lot to answer for in terms of how it has treated people. The whole concept of sin is pure evil and needs to be seen as that to address the poison that it has put into people’s bodies through subscribing to this false concept.
Hear hear, and indoctrination at such an early age, when the natural expression of love and unity is simply present.
We know that God is all loving, fair and just with no discrimination, bias or judgement on anyone regardless of sexual orientation, culture, colour or creed. It is only humans that place judgement on another and organisations, such as the Catholic Church that express their bias and discrimination are showing themselves up for where they are at!
Developing an understanding that we are all Love and our way of living can never be condemned or ridiculed, as it is up to us all in our own time to return to the nurturing sacredness of the Love we all are. One also has to understand the boundaries in life through true principles shared through Loving discipline and the consequences of not being Love from a young age.
To know from such an early age what was true for you and then have it thwarted and denied by the Catholic Church and made to feel sinful and not ‘normal’ is the evil that exists within the Church.
“Two same sex partners building a loving relationship with themselves and others in their lives did not feel like any issue: the only issue with it seemed to be what others had created.” – Absolutely agree with you, there are many false beliefs around whether it is okay to be gay or not, that to me are simply exposed in the light of respecting and honouring true love.
“In choosing to comply with the Catholic Church I took a bigger step away from God than if I had honoured my true expression”. This is the absolute truth. Any moulding of ourselves to fit to any religious, cultural, sexual etc norms is a denying of who we actually are and must mean stepping away from God. If we are made in Gods’ image, why would he create defective beings? We are by essence as was intended to be and we need to embrace that.
Can you really imagine God with all his love and wisdom that he would discriminate because people are gay or want to express love to another of the same sex? It is so sad to see that the bastardisation of religion or Gods words have done so much damage to many the sons of God on earth. Its really like an act of extreme criminality and evil as such bastardisation has a long damaging effect on people to feel lesser, rather than rejoice in love with another. Thanks, Susan for sharing your story.
This vey honest account of self re-discovery is one that very openly exposes the harm that some ‘religious’ beliefs have on people. This is one life that has been turned around and re-discovered from within, but there are so so many people who have given themselves over to a doctrine or belief system that has robbed them of their innate sense of true self and not one that is approved by someone in self-acclaimed power over others.
In Serge you have experienced the truth of religion – a relationship based on love and openness that does not judge. This is a very powerful sharing as it shows how many things are set up in society to not let us be who we truly are.
Love as the foundation puts all our beliefs, stereotypes and judgements to bed, leaving us free to be ourselves and make true choices.
Absolutely, true love exposes and dissolves the harming prison of ideals, beliefs and judgements.
True love gives another space, space to be who they are in truth, no impositions, no judgements.
Simple and true and so natural to us, love is at our essence.
We learn to judge ourselves, to criticize ourselves, to change ourselves for others, to put ourselves down, to not value who we are, etc etc. But where does this come from? It cannot come from within for when we are born with the essence of who we are there is none of this self-judging talk…so it must come from the outside, sourced from an energy that is not who we originally are…
True, we do learn all these abusive ways of being towards self; and now some people are letting go of these far from loving ways of being with ourselves, and other people.
Gorgeous sharing Susan, and I feel this is something we can all relate to – so it is that there is a conditioning that happens when we are very young, and continues on in life till such point where we realise that we do not have to play ball with fitting into the box, and that no one should fit into the box. It is about letting out who we are. Simpe but not always easy as we let go of the layers as you have shared in your deeply heartfelt blog.
There is such a truly beautiful simplicity in love and in opposition to that many ‘boxes’ that we can think we need to tick or fit into, rather than as you say simply express from who we are in our innermost.
If God is not love and loving to all our choices, then he is not God and the religion that bestows such a God is not a religion based on love.
There are so many lies that have been let run wild in this world, we have our hands full weeding them out. But we should never forget to stunning delicacy we all innately possess, which just becomes so much clearer as we flower.
Very beautifully said Susan, We have allowed institutionalised religions to suppress much of our true expression. As a “heterosexual” I have lived with the crushing belief that being sexually intimate is only for conception otherwise it is dirty and shameful and that it needs to be hidden. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and how he has helped us all see through these lies.
I am with you Susan in that, what Serge Benhayon offers is the real deal and is absolutely amazing. Serge is exposing the lies we live in and with, he has an endless love for humanity. Our society is not based on love and truth, Serge is shining his light ,which is very needed, on all aspects of life and inspires us to live in the same way, I feel very blessed to know him and his family.
Hear! Hear! Annelies, Love has never had a more glorious advocate.
When God gets humanized, He gets attributed one way, the rest being ill deviations and if you happen to be ‘deviated’ it is divinely ok to get demonized … in the name of God.
I love this article Susan. Any reason we have in being harsh and unloving to ourselves is another opportunity to hold ourselves deeper.