Being Gay

I grew up in a Catholic environment and at the age of 4 (yes, as early as that), I knew I was gay and that if I were to ever be in an intimate relationship with another, my natural expression was to do so with a woman. There was nothing sexual in this knowing as a young girl, just a simple knowing and that it felt super OK and natural, from inside of me. This was a beautiful time for I allowed myself to simply feel and be me for me.

Within a couple of years though, as I started to look outside of me and become indoctrinated into Catholicism some more, I began to hear messages that such a choice was a sin, that it was not normal or natural and that I would make God and everyone else very unhappy if I chose to be with a woman. There was even the message that having a same sex partner was inhuman, and if this was your expression, that there was something deeply wrong and even evil with you. This meant that you needed to be prayed for and healed so as to return to ‘God’s way’, the Church’s way. There was also of course, the nasty and very false threat that you could end up burning in hell.

This was all contra to everything I felt within. For me, my connection with God was already innate and I felt the holding of his deep love, available to everyone equally without any such discrimination or injustice. The rules of the Church felt incredibly hard and not of God’s words at all. The Church dictating that it represented God’s views and had the right to pass judgement did not feel OK. Two same sex partners building a loving relationship with themselves and others in their lives did not feel like any issue: the only issue with it seemed to be what others had created.

However, without fully claiming, accepting and expressing what I knew on the inside, I allowed outside ideals and beliefs to hide and bury this innate connection and, from a need of wanting to fit in, I complied with the mould of the Catholic Church. Moulding myself to something I am not has not been very pleasant I must say, for it has shut down firstly the fullness of who I am and secondly, the knowing that I am a divine Soul first and foremost, and that my expression here on Earth is to be honoured for what it naturally is because it forms part of a much larger divine jigsaw puzzle that I am not in control of. In choosing to comply with the Catholic Church I took a bigger step away from God than if I had honoured my true expression.

For many years, this has left me living as a shadow of myself and not fully committing and bringing all of me to life, with impacts to my wellbeing, work and personal relationships. For a significant period between my teens and early thirties, I was so caught in the external ideals that I tried being in relationships with men and would curse myself every time any inclination or thought towards being in a relationship with a woman was presented. I was super hard and harsh on myself, carrying huge guilt and the erroneous belief that I was unworthy in God’s eyes for potentially making the choice to love a woman.

A few years ago I attended a Universal Medicine workshop on relationships where two amazing women who had been in a long-term relationship presented on stage about how they had developed deeply loving and committed foundations with one another. This was shared from their lived experience. The way they related with each other and everyone in the room was incredibly tender, open, loving and encompassing of all in a way that I had not observed to the same depth, even in the heterosexual relationships that I was surrounded by growing up. There was nothing at all wrong with this true expression of love and it was in this moment that I woke up again to the truth within and felt the stirring of living the call of my natural expression with no holding back.

It has been a process since then to begin unpacking all the layers that I have taken on and to feel what it means to live being a woman of gay expression in full. Re-building my connection to myself, and learning to love, live and appreciate everything I am (not just being gay), is where I have begun. There is a glorious freedom to be returning to a connection with myself and God in a way that does not need to appeal or be recognised by outer rules and expectations. This applies to all aspects of my life and, with much more to continue to expand and deepen, is a forever unfoldment to which I am now the willing student.

In closing, I offer a huge heart felt thank you to Serge Benhayon, founder of Universal Medicine, for never giving up on presenting truth and love. The way he consistently meets everyone equally has allowed me to feel what I, and we, are all worthy of. Serge’s open support and public appreciation of those who have established true relationships in their lives, whether they be heterosexual or same sex, has also allowed me to feel that being gay is not in any way wrong or evil, and that any relationship based on true love and connection can be celebrated. What this man offers is the real deal and is nothing short of amazing.

By Susan Hayes, Wendouree, Victoria

Further Reading:
Expressing love in same sex relationships
Knowing I was gay
There is no Right and Wrong in God

514 thoughts on “Being Gay

  1. Absolutely love reading this blog. It offers a profound insight into how religious judgments and dogmas are designed to seperate people from God rather than remind people of their divine nature and innate connection with God.

  2. The celebration of true love and togetherness in relationships is to be adored in all it offers us of simply being ourselves and I love how you knew from a very young age. The knowing and honouring of “This beautiful time for I allowed myself to simply feel and be me, for me.” is a real celebration we all deserve at any time and clearing and healing ourselves allows this. Again how absolutely beautiful.

  3. You know you are in the presence of true love when you feel there is freedom to be yourself in every way shape and form.

  4. What a super blog. And also very exposing how religion imposes on the true ways of somebody’s being. To proclaim that you will end up in hell if you live as a gay person is false and crushing.

    1. To say you will end up in hell if you live as a gay person is completely ridiculous. What if we were told that we’d end up living in a hell if we didn’t live the truth of who we are?

  5. The effects of such indoctrination extend to all fascists of society including those like me who are not gay. It shaped my perception of gay couples into thinking they were wrong and I cast judgement on them for this. All I was really taught was to judge another and not truly how to be love with them.

  6. Serge Benhayon presents that being gay should not be a big deal – and that as a heterosexual we don’t ‘come out’ so why do we need to if we are gay? It is simply who we are – who we are attracted too.

  7. When we deny any part of ourselves we are but a shadow of who we are in truth and this is a very empty place to be. Accepting all of who we are brings fullness and grace.

  8. When we experience this kind of deep love and connection between two people, it clearly exposes where we do not have it/see it/feel it in our own lives. There is no room for any kind of indoctrination, ‘damning’ or squashing of anothers true expression when real love is present.

  9. A gay colleague of mine has recently got engaged to his male partner. They are both totally claimed in this. It is a joy to witness their joy and commitment to each other. It is their normal. Very inspiring.

  10. A real sharing on the truth of who we are and the expression of this with honouring and love is everything. Very beautiful to feel and read thank you .

  11. I look forward to the day where a blog like this will have the title “Being” and where the “gay” is not needed. Where being gay is no different to being heterosexual in that it’s not of importance and doesn’t need to be announced. As a heterosexual I have never felt the need to announce it so, yet with people who are gay, society does expect it of them.

    1. Yes Nikki, I couldn’t agree more. I have never announced myself in that way, they are all terms that separate us. Yet hot on the heels how great would it be to not have to announce our nationality or religious beliefs. We are so used to separating ourselves from each other that we have to find which ‘group’ we sit with!

  12. I remember witnessing homophobia first as a child and recall being absolutely baffled by it. One person in particular got so angry; it seemed to me they’d lost themselves inside some kind of thinking and emotions that wasn’t them and they’d stepped away from the caring person they really were. For them it was like they’d taken being gay as some kind of personal affront which made no sense. Indeed, any homophobia didn’t make any sense – how could people be so emotional around this? I remember doubting what I felt, so I checked in with myself and nothing hit my radar of being untoward in anyway. From what I had seen I concluded that it was their thoughts that must be off track and it saddened me to see the prejudice and persecution that was there that they’d justify to themselves.

    I still cant’ quite believe the atrocities inflicted on people who are gay but a good 30 years later I’m going to answer, perhaps only in part, why it is that someone’s sexuality is targeted in this way, and also honour a knowing I felt as a child and hence the bewilderment as to why people were being targeted for this so intensely and with such force. The expression of intimacy through physical touch can be one of the most intimate expressions we have in this human form, it asks for a surrender and transparency perhaps not embraced or seen in everyday life. So to make it wrong or for someone to fear expressing love in this way is an effective way of shutting down people who are not just gay but others who may not want to register they do love people who may happen to be of the same gender. What if homophobia is an effective ruse for us all to love less, express less and be confined to the belief that you can only love your close family and partner and no-one else? As far as intimate partners go, for me monogamy is the only way, but I’m not talking about sexual relationships, I’m talking about seeing and appreciating the beauty within us all.

    1. I watched a similar transformation in someone I love and can really relate to recently – suddenly the beautiful and fun person I knew was letting words of stone drop from their mouth and the judgment and hardness of the expression was palpable. As soon as we veer away from love the rocks of separation appear and a crash is nearly always around the corner.

    2. I too was baffled at why some were so upset and aggressive about same sex relationships, it just didn’t make sense to me. I’m sure though that if love was just allowed to drop in and take the space of ‘hate’ for just a moment, the person would feel their essence and therefore the essence of all others, and this staunchly held belief would simply unravel and be seen for what it is.

  13. This a story worth reading in the paper or magazines. Whilst society in general accepts same sex relationships, your story would resonate with so many people who have been brought up in a similar indoctrination. Giving yourself permission to simply be who you know yourself to be is not easy when the support is not there. But to come out the other side and tell the story, is the first step of support for anyone else who may have experienced the same.

  14. “any relationship based on true love and connection can be celebrated” beautifully put Susan, as others have said love is what is key.

  15. ‘and that any relationship based on true love and connection can be celebrated.’ yes true love starts with a loving connection and relationship with ourselves first then with others. It is not about gender just love.. to be shared with another.

  16. I also grew up as a Catholic but by the age of 15 really had had enough of the intrinsic lack of love, lack of equality, full of judgement and harshness emanating out of most teachings. I was aware enough to know that God was love and so was Jesus and everything the Catholic Church stood for seemed in complete contradiction with that.

  17. ‘This was a beautiful time for I allowed myself to simply feel and be me for me.’ I can feel the acceptance of you, of life and of you in the world with these words. It’s beautiful, and it actually feels like criminal behaviour to me that we take this away from people as they grow up. There’s nothing stopping us from bringing this back to ourselves and others once we realise and acknowledge the other way is false.

  18. Going against the indoctrination of the Catholic faith, and knowing that our parents and friends will be hurt if we follow our truth can be difficult, yet parents often surprise us with their understanding and if family and friends don’t accept our choices, then it is their choice and we cannot live a life that is untrue to us only to please others.

  19. When we give ourselves permission to be all the love that we are, we give ourselves permission to return to our true and authentic selves and allow this to express in all facets of our life without any borders, divides or pictures of how this should look according to a self-created or adopted ‘rule book’ that would only seek to crush such an expression.

  20. The beliefs we can adopt that restrict who we can/can’t love are crippling and they all start with the beliefs around accepting and loving ourselves or not based on our characteristics/behaviours/mental pictures- the list goes on!

  21. Love is love and commitment is commitment, whether that be in a heterosexual or same sex relationship. Everything else is just man-made dogma and a desperate attempt to maintain a forceful hold over a flock of followers who listen to intermediaries rather than honour their innate connection with God.

  22. The very living experience of your life is to be openly shared on many platforms. There are many people who have chosen to live “a shadow” of themselves, gay or not. Reading this article offers all the reality of choice, something many don’t realise they have.

  23. How could a relationship based on love ever be judged for being less because of its gender. Love is love, regardless of whether we are female, male, gay, straight or anything in between. Judgement and critique of one’s expression is not love.

  24. So true, how can any relationships based on true love and respectful interactions be deemed by another as wrong? Perhaps we need to change the lens with which we view the ‘rightness’ of relationships using the quality of love and decency within the relationship, rather than the combination of genders.

  25. Reading this has reminded me that when we are young, we do have the absolute knowing that we love. I remembered wanting to be with my teacher all of the time. All I wanted to do was stroke her face because she had a very fine downy layer of hair and I Just loved being with her. I also remember her being very sweet and gentle with us.

  26. Thank you for this blog which illustrates the evil that comes through anyone that tells us God judges, that we are sinners and that we have to conform to a doctrine in order to be loved by God. As children we know who we are and if we stay with that knowing and honour that relationship with who we are, we would not consider harming another through word, thought or deed and therefore would not need to even consider pleasing or appeasing God. I love that you have been offered a true reflection of love in your life so you can embrace the love that we are.

  27. It is far better and so very healing to live our truth than by overriding and taking on the ideals and beliefs of what deep within does not feel true for ourselves.

  28. As a child we have an innate knowing of who we are, we can feel the beauty that lies within and an inner strength that knows what is true for us. As we get older we start to listen to the ideals and beliefs of others including the Church, who have strong beliefs on right or wrong, but not what is true, and we fall for these beliefs to the detriment of who we know ourselves to be.

  29. Judgement is such a dangerous thing in society. No matter what someone’s choices in life or lifestyle or behaviours we can connect to the quality of who they are and celebrate and honour that.

  30. It is really quite insidious how people and institutions such as the Catholic Church feel they can impose on others their beliefs and say it is ‘God’s’. I feel slowly we are starting to tolerate this less and less however it will be awesome when we do not tolerate this at all. Great to hear you have now claimed yourself in full including your sexuality.

  31. So many are living lives not truly expressing themselves as who they naturally are, whether that be fully claiming and living the gender they are or having an intimate relationship with someone they love. Do we realise the tension and sadness that grows that eventually lead to illness and disease? I absolutely agree with this, “There was nothing at all wrong with this true expression of love and it was in this moment that I woke up again to the truth within and felt the stirring of living the call of my natural expression with no holding back.”

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