My Vulnerability was the Key

by Joan Calder, Frome, Somerset, UK, my home is my work now

I have just experienced something that shows me how much, and in what way, Serge Benhayon’s presentations and the sessions I have had and courses I have attended with Universal Medicine, are helping me to change deep internal patterns I thought I was stuck in for life.

My first memories are fearful ones; I was terrified of the world and everything in it. I have spent a lot of my life in panic about the possibilities of harmful events occurring – phobias, threats and invasions that could happen to me – and I was always on alert and worried about any weird sensations I felt from inside my body.

I became protective and numbed myself by throwing myself into activities in a very driven way, and eventually trained and then worked in body and therapy modalities to relieve the pressure that this built up, as well as searching for the “ideal” healing for my ills from many, many different alternative therapies. Some of these seemed to work at the time, but ultimately the problems were still there underneath… ready to pop up when any crisis came along.

And come they did! I built layers to try to protect myself, to no avail, and ended up really ill because I could not express how I was truly feeling. Then I met Universal Medicine and started to work with myself from the inside out, rather than from the outside in. I began also to realise how much I had blamed myself for my reactions and the hard shell I had created. The panics grew less, my reactions to everything became less emotional and dramatic, and yet I was still missing the key that could change my approach to life at a very deep level.

Then recently something happened that gave me that key. Walking up a hillside with my partner, Noel, who is country born and bred, we met a small herd of interested young cows. I panicked… they sensed my fear and came closer. I felt powerless. Noel gave me the choice of going on past them or turning round, there was nowhere to run to. After one single definite gesture and word from Noel had stopped them in their tracks, I chose to go on and we passed them without trouble.

I pondered deeply about this incident. We sat in the sun and I talked it through, and remembered a story about the Indian prince who eventually had to face a tiger after years of avoiding the confrontation, only to discover that when he did it purred like a kitten!

I then connected to something big! I was now allowing a connection to my vulnerability! Before this moment I hadn’t been allowing myself to feel my own vulnerability and fragility, or my own humanness. I sat there for a long time and felt what it would be like to honour that feeling. When I got up to go back I had no idea whether anything had changed or not. We walked purposefully towards the cows… I was on the side nearest them, I did not feel like trying to hide behind Noel. I knew I could not hang on to my old ways anymore, I kept talking to myself about how I have felt, that I can be, and am, full of Love, and that I am glorious inside, and at the same time I allowed myself to feel my vulnerability.

I was very near the herd. They all looked up and stared, but not one moved. I walked past them confidently and felt this great expansion in my chest, and a wonderful feeling of being joyful and connected to everything. My body was light and free, and the cows and the world were no longer a threat to me. I did not feel the relief I had felt the first time after I had passed them, there was no need. I had embraced my tiger – or rather cows!

Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.

I am no longer under the illusion that my emotions are going to disappear, but I have understood in myself my own reaction to them and felt a fundamental change of attitude. It could not have happened without the five years of encouragement to continually observe my choices and where they come from, and learning to feel my body and take more responsibility for myself.

And all this was possible because of the sure, steady loving support of Serge Benhayon, his clarity, and the continual inspiration of how he lives a life of truth, integrity and love – and from the support of the other practitioners, and many students of Universal Medicine.

Thank you all for the opportunity to experience my connection with myself and all that is around me in a new and loving way.

524 thoughts on “My Vulnerability was the Key

  1. Thank you Joan, it’s a moo-ving story! 🙂 There is a lot of wisdom that can come from situations and sharing these can be a learning for us all. This is a real gem “I kept talking to myself about how I have felt, that I can be, and am, full of Love, and that I am glorious inside, and at the same time I allowed myself to feel my vulnerability.” We can experience our issues but not let them overtake or cloud the presence of our love, this is something I am learning at the moment.

  2. Sometimes it feels like our feelings and sensitivities are too much and too overwhelming, but it’s our reaction to it that makes it bigger and worse than what it is. I have learnt that coming back and staying with the body helps me a lot.

  3. Vulnerability allows us to be open to feeling the support that is there for us all the time. Support we are held in but have often denied or been too busy to connect back to. When I stop to understand what changed and why I can allow myself to be vulnerable now, I realise it is founded on the way I have been moving and the trust I have built through the consistency of those movements that remind me I am more than this physical body and if I move with that awareness then there is great strength in vulnerability. The more we build a relationship with this way of moving the more we realise we are jus scratching the surface of what is available to us.

    1. Thank you Lucy for sharing your view on vulnerability, it has supported me to understand that recently while taking part in a group sacred movement session, I allowed myself to feel the whole group as one family and even though we were scattered all around the world; together we were one. This allowed me to feel my vulnerability of coming back once again, back into the fold of brotherhood and all that this means. I am not an individual as society would have it; I am very much a part of the whole.

  4. I have to thank Serge Benhayon for that as well, he showed me that emotions are not wrong, they are conversations and very important conversation starters. Why are they there? what are they telling us? They offer an opportunity to see patterns that have been ‘running’ us and dictating our choices for many years, often reducing the way we could be living and the support we could be experiencing.

    1. That’s a great learning to share Leigh, thank you, and it simplifies things. Often when I am unsettled I take a moment to ask myself ‘how am I really feeling, what’s there to be expressed?”, and once I have allowed myself to feel and express to myself I am able to settle down again.

  5. If we cover up our feelings and instead meet the world with fierceness or fear no wonder we do not know how to handle these situations.

  6. I am opening my heart more lately to people and it feels so beautiful that I am wondering why I didn’t do that before.

  7. I appreciate the tools and keys that I’m receiving as a student of the Livingness by attending the workshops and presentations from Universal Medicine. I’m learning a lot, more than ever before at school, to live more aware of what I’m experiencing in my daily basis, to support myself in this process of clearing all the beliefs that prevents me to live naturally the beauty of who I am, to give voice to what I’m feeling inside…to live harmonously in the middle of a world full of pictures and rules but not love, which is the essence of all of us.

  8. Joan, coming back to this article is medicine for me today. I’m realizing how many pictures can be flopping around, and how scary are at times. However your sharing invites me to appreciate more what my presence brings, and the blessing I am when I’m not attached to any form or result. It’s very refreshing reading you because the loving invitation that is to see the world from our heart instead from the pictures that maybe are so familiar but not true.

  9. I am finding the important thing with reactions and emotions is to let myself feel them without trying to push them down. This is a skill I have learnt from young and one I am slowly chipping away at so its not my auto response.

    1. Yes, I agree just allowing myself to feel what is going instead of trying to change it or to ‘cover up’ the emotions that have arisen, bring a stop that allows for a clearer view on what is going on.

  10. What are these layers of protection we keep speaking of? How is it that we can be open to the world and let our hearts be seen. It can feel scary at first, am i going to get hurt, is this person going to do something/ say something to hurt me and break my trust? – are just a few of the reasons as to why we may choose to not be open and vulnerable. Yet, the feeling of cracking that armour is heavenly, allowing vulnerability in our lives is magical and words cannot describe the beauty tingling through the body whilst walking with an open heart. Once we get a taste of that, it’s game over and nothing in this world can be more desirable.

    1. I agree Viktoria. Maybe walking with an open heart is what we crave most because is our natural state, but at the same time something we avoid at times, because what may happens later. In my case is being great being aware of this to discern when I’m just being me, or trying to control and protect myself. I appreciate deeply having the opportunity to be aware of and embrace this process for the constant learning that is.

  11. Let´s check out some definitions here from the British Dictionary and if they really get to the bottom of it or not.

    vulnerable, adj.:
    c.1600, from Late Latin vulnerabilis “wounding,” from Latin vulnerare “to wound,” etc

    But I wonder if this is all to it as there is actually an ability in vulner-ability that is more that just:
    1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt
    2. open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc
    3. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc

    Could it be that the ability to be vulnerable means to honour one´s sensitivity and even be willing to feel being hurt instead of shutting down, numbing one´s sensitivity and being protective? And therefore maintaining to be who you are and responding rather than reacting to whatever comes your way?!

    1. Thank you for sharing this Alexander, I liked the link you made between allowing our vulnerability, which is essentially allowing us to remain connected to ourselves, rather than it being some defect or something to avoid.

  12. As long as we feel the need to protect ourselves we will be defensive and reactive and thus closed off to others and or life in general. When we then eventually open up, allow some vulnerability and see the world with different eyes we realize that we have never been really protected from anything but only protective in our behaviour and therefore reduced in who we are and limited in the range of options and choices we made. With this understanding vulnerability can be seen for the door opener it is to our sensitivity, connectedness and joy of meeting the world.

  13. Observation of how we feel emotionally, and allowing ourselves to be open to feeling what is happening in our bodies and not shying away from what we are feeling, is key to being able to extricate ourselves from life’s hurdles.

  14. I think it’s great how you say that you’re not now waiting for all your emotions to disappear, but feel equipped to observe them more clearly and where the reaction is coming from and with that be able to process and deal with them more truly.

  15. Are we terrified of the world or is there a deeper meaning to this? Is there a possibility that we are terrified of ourselves because we know that within us all there is a greatness that is waiting to be tapped into. We all know it is there but are using every avoiding tactic to delay the fact that we are true Gods playing at being un Gods because by being an un God we can create our own little worlds, rather than playing the bigger picture to expand the universe. If there is an ounce of truth in this statement how selfish is this not only to ourselves but to the rest of humanity and is it possible this is how we keep ourselves groveling in the mud of life.

    1. Hi Mary, it’s a great question your propose “Are we terrified of the world or is there a deeper meaning to this? Is there a possibility that we are terrified of ourselves because we know that within us all there is a greatness that is waiting to be tapped into.” There is a lot to consider here, I know for me after reading this I was able to see I have a lot of negative pictures around what may happen if I were to step into my power. There is also the reality that the part of us that plays small and is identified with the smallness is terrified of losing its hold on life should the greatness within and its responsibility to the all be reinstated.

  16. It is amazing how things shift when we are connected with ourselves, connected to our innermost, our stillness within. Our old ways of reacting and relating just drop away, and we simply be ourselves and bring all of us to everything we do. Fear comes from our mind, whereas love is felt from our bodies.

  17. ‘Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it’. wise and powerful Joan, thank-you for your honest sharing and timely reminder that is it more than ok to show our vulnerability.

  18. It is amazing to feel how in our connection to our love within there is a deep settlement of knowing that we are already everything and when living with this connection there is nothing that is too much to handle or deal with. Our true power is our connection to love honored and lived.

  19. One of our greatest hindrances is fear left unaddressed. To face the tiger in the way of the prince empowers us to understand that nothing is bigger than ourselves.

  20. A blessing when something of this magnitude and yet so simple is revealed for the first time. Connecting to our vulnerability and fragility supports us to be more honest with ourselves and is a route to true healing. The opposite of this shuts us down. To disconnect from how we truly feel only serves to harden the body and places us in fight or flight mode, not flow.

  21. We can be so hard on ourselves but in that hardness we cut ourselves off from ourselves and others; to allow ourselves to feel vulnerable opens us up to ourselves and the world around, and it allows us to feel more of all around and in us … it supports us to expand and express more of the love we are.

  22. Thank you for sharing Joan and just shows that when we are ready to face those deeper aspects within ourselves such as our vulnerability, we get a little package that shows and reflects this to us, your cow package is a great example.

  23. You show us so well Joan, how we can set up so much anxiety from a fear of what might happen, rather than be open and vulnerable and see what is presented to us. I love the examples and learning offered here.

  24. ‘Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.’ I have examples in my life of situations which may not involve cows but where I could get all defensive and protected, or I could be open and let people see me. When I feel my own fragility and vulnerability I am already with myself and accepting of myself, so even if people were to react I wouldn’t be so shaken. More often than not I’m not a threat and people can relax and be open themselves because they aren’t feeling like I’m a frightened animal who may attack at any moment.

  25. I have certainly faced many of my old “cows” over the last 13 years and thanks to the wise presentations and the loving support from Serge Benhayon, I too have been able to walk on by them, feeling vulnerable but powerful at the same time. To know that to be vulnerable is actually a strength, and not the weakness I had perceived it to be for most of my life, is like being liberated from a very constrictive cage.

  26. It is fundamental to read about a person opening up to their own vulnerability. This is the kind of text that could be shared in schools, with homework’s and essay written about it.

    1. I agree Shami – understanding that the power of living who we are comes through honoring our connection to our sensitivity needs be one of the fundamentals that children learn at school.

  27. When find ourselves getting emotional and overly dramatic it is a great opportunity to stop and realise that we are off on a tangent and need to come back to ourselves to regain our clarity and understanding of the situation at hand.

  28. I so know what you are saying Joan. When I first came to Universal Medicine I was hard as nails and tough as. The thought of being vulnerable wasn’t even on my radar. Through the therapies and what they offer I have melted. At first it took a while, but over time I have let go of the protection and allowed others in, and I can feel how being vulnerable is not a weakness, it is actually a reflection of true power. I still have moments when I have a thought that I can’t be like that and that I have to do it on my own, but now I can see how separating and lonely that is. When someone allows me in, I just love being there with them and its the same letting people in, it really feels super beautiful.

  29. ‘Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.” I take this with me to work.

  30. What I am coming to understand is that by not living from our sensitivity we have to harden ourselves, thoughen up by hardening our body and beingness by not letting out what we so naturally know and feel inside.

  31. I can easily relate to these words “I built layers to try to protect myself, to no avail, and ended up really ill because I could not express how I was truly feeling”. At the time I had no understanding that this was why I was ill so often, but coming to understand the power of expression I can see that held back words do not go away, they are simply stored in the body. Well I certainly had stored plenty of un-spoken words, no wonder my body struggled under their weight, a weight that is so easily released when we finally trust ourselves and our expression enough to speak that which needs to be heard even though it may expose our vulnerability.

  32. With whatever situation in life there may be challenges in, I always find it best to return to your power, to your authoritative strength which knows who you are and what you are able to handle – with vulnerability and honesty as key.

  33. Cows are pretty scary if they are not behind fences! But then again, the world can be a very scary place if we see ourselves as an individual who needs to defend their standing.

  34. Vulnerability? We squirm in our seats when hearing that word, many of us cannot face the possibility of asking for help from another human being. Our world has become so messy that we don’t feel like we can truly trust and be vulnerable with our partners, parents and siblings, let alone friends or, God forbid strangers. But then an illness comes, and we realise that we cannot do everything on our own so we are forced to surrender. But in those moments have we not realised how beautiful it is to see that another person truly cares for you? In the way our closest people prepare our food, make our bed or simply sit by our side? How precious are those connections, and how sad is it that we save them only for special occasions when we fall ill!

  35. ‘Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.’ My defence has always been to choose frustration, wanting life or a situation or myself to be different. The opposite of being vulnerable and truly feel how I feel and show the world my truth.

  36. Thanks Joan, great to read this again. I noted how you allowed both the love you are in essence and the vulnerability to be present. I tend to idealise the being with love and not allow the vulnerability so much, instead of just being with them both without a picture of how I should be. And this is a great line too “Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.”

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