My Vulnerability was the Key

by Joan Calder, Frome, Somerset, UK, my home is my work now

I have just experienced something that shows me how much, and in what way, Serge Benhayon’s presentations and the sessions I have had and courses I have attended with Universal Medicine, are helping me to change deep internal patterns I thought I was stuck in for life.

My first memories are fearful ones; I was terrified of the world and everything in it. I have spent a lot of my life in panic about the possibilities of harmful events occurring – phobias, threats and invasions that could happen to me – and I was always on alert and worried about any weird sensations I felt from inside my body.

I became protective and numbed myself by throwing myself into activities in a very driven way, and eventually trained and then worked in body and therapy modalities to relieve the pressure that this built up, as well as searching for the “ideal” healing for my ills from many, many different alternative therapies. Some of these seemed to work at the time, but ultimately the problems were still there underneath… ready to pop up when any crisis came along.

And come they did! I built layers to try to protect myself, to no avail, and ended up really ill because I could not express how I was truly feeling. Then I met Universal Medicine and started to work with myself from the inside out, rather than from the outside in. I began also to realise how much I had blamed myself for my reactions and the hard shell I had created. The panics grew less, my reactions to everything became less emotional and dramatic, and yet I was still missing the key that could change my approach to life at a very deep level.

Then recently something happened that gave me that key. Walking up a hillside with my partner, Noel, who is country born and bred, we met a small herd of interested young cows. I panicked… they sensed my fear and came closer. I felt powerless. Noel gave me the choice of going on past them or turning round, there was nowhere to run to. After one single definite gesture and word from Noel had stopped them in their tracks, I chose to go on and we passed them without trouble.

I pondered deeply about this incident. We sat in the sun and I talked it through, and remembered a story about the Indian prince who eventually had to face a tiger after years of avoiding the confrontation, only to discover that when he did it purred like a kitten!

I then connected to something big! I was now allowing a connection to my vulnerability! Before this moment I hadn’t been allowing myself to feel my own vulnerability and fragility, or my own humanness. I sat there for a long time and felt what it would be like to honour that feeling. When I got up to go back I had no idea whether anything had changed or not. We walked purposefully towards the cows… I was on the side nearest them, I did not feel like trying to hide behind Noel. I knew I could not hang on to my old ways anymore, I kept talking to myself about how I have felt, that I can be, and am, full of Love, and that I am glorious inside, and at the same time I allowed myself to feel my vulnerability.

I was very near the herd. They all looked up and stared, but not one moved. I walked past them confidently and felt this great expansion in my chest, and a wonderful feeling of being joyful and connected to everything. My body was light and free, and the cows and the world were no longer a threat to me. I did not feel the relief I had felt the first time after I had passed them, there was no need. I had embraced my tiger – or rather cows!

Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.

I am no longer under the illusion that my emotions are going to disappear, but I have understood in myself my own reaction to them and felt a fundamental change of attitude. It could not have happened without the five years of encouragement to continually observe my choices and where they come from, and learning to feel my body and take more responsibility for myself.

And all this was possible because of the sure, steady loving support of Serge Benhayon, his clarity, and the continual inspiration of how he lives a life of truth, integrity and love – and from the support of the other practitioners, and many students of Universal Medicine.

Thank you all for the opportunity to experience my connection with myself and all that is around me in a new and loving way.

417 thoughts on “My Vulnerability was the Key

  1. I have always struggled to show my vulnerability. I would go more into behaviours of pretending I was okay or more that I just didn’t care and would go hard and totally shut down or shut off to others. The more I learn to open up and allow others to see my vulnerability the more I am able to let go and allow the love and support I crave in.

    1. MW that is a truly beautiful comment, you speak for more than just yourself with those words – thank you.

  2. Thank you Joan, I haven’t read this for some while, how lovely it felt to connect to another human being who honesty and fully expressed how they felt. There need nit be any embarrassment about our humanness but there often is. Acceptance is such a brilliant point of healing we can offer ourselves and others. I appreciated this gem Joan “Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.” I feel that sense of defence a lot, so a great pointer about the vulnerability. Joan I would also love an update from you – another blog perhaps?

  3. We often see vulnerability as weak, I know I have and yet is is so deeply powerful as is gentleness. This poses much of what is said in the world, nut all we need to do is begin to be more honest about what we feel, to feel the quality and power of vulnerability and gentleness.

  4. This fear you speak of Joan is something I have been pondering on lately as well. It seems like it is everywhere in everyone and most of us base our choices on fear ultimately by seeking some kind of control or security. And of course then there are the multitude of ways that we try to cover up the fact that we are doing this with layers of other behaviours to mask this. However as you say this is honestly a miserable way to live and cuts us off from the divine love that we are and that is available to us at any time.

  5. Vulnerability is the bridge between true sensitivity and the protection we have built up around ourselves. It is in itself not part of our true nature, but is nonetheless completely necessary to get used to if one is coming from a life of protection.

  6. Until I had studied with Universal Medicine I really felt like i was at the mercy of my emotions at that they were an unknown beast to a degree. Understanding energy and our choice and responsibility has changed all of that for me.

  7. When you wrote about Universal Medicine and that the courses you are attending are helping you to change deep internal patterns that you thought your were stuck in for life – I was struck with how amazing these courses are. They are truly supporting people to get to the root cause of these patterns and behaviours, to look at what areas you have been responsible for these patterns and then to let them go. Highly recommend these courses and modalities if you are ready to make true change in your life.

  8. Reading your brilliant words again today Joan, I got to see that reactions turn up in my life pretty much exactly like the cows you describe. It’s really up to me if I want to get scared, run away or get trampled under foot, or simply observe them for what they are. I feel if I can do this, I will start to see this impending stampede actually has no power over me, but in fact it’s truly the other way around – everything is looking to me, to show the way and take the lead.

  9. That choice to come back and connect with our inner-most – it brings such clarity and it really helps me see the falseness of my habitual reaction and thought patterns and lets me know I am love and can live it, if I choose to.

  10. I really enjoyed reading this Joan. It is significant in so many ways and I can relate to having many tigers I have avoided facing over the years. Giving yourself permission to feel vulnerable and simply acknowledging your feelings is a life changing decision, and the point you make about not having to be at the mercy of emotions is very liberating.

  11. Ah – there can be a sense of ‘how many times’ will I fall for this game of before I see that the ‘terrifying’ herd that is before me is not powerful or scary unless I let it be. Like a man who is petrified by the fly in his soup, it’s great to stop and ask what is going on underneath and what am I getting out of being fearful this way. It seems reflecting on your words Joan that it’s simply a trick to avoid feeling our true power.

  12. Vulnerability allows us to feel exactly what is needed in any particular moment. Protection and security give us instruction of what to do – however this is not what is needed in the moment, but instead what we need the moment to be.

  13. Through embracing our vulnerability, we discover the strength of who we are is in our connection to our tenderness within, our love, the quality of who we are in essence.

  14. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are accepting ourselves more in our fullness, which when everything is everything, we are accepting more of who we truly are. Any judgement or separation from ourselves becomes a same reflection towards the world, and will also be reflected back from the world.

  15. A powerful and inspiring sentence Joan. Opening to vulnerability and fragility is the greatest healing gift to ourselves, allowing us to feel a deeper level of connection with ourselves and others
    “Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it”.

  16. Thank you Joan for sharing your experience and the power of; “Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.” Opening up to feel more of the tenderness and love we hold deep inside.

  17. Reconnecting to our true sensitivity always starts with vulnerability, but it is worth remembering that vulnerability is only a stepping stone, and has no place in the true delicacy one feels when one opens themselves up to their true sensitivity.

  18. Our minds can make many of our challenges seem like ferocious tigers but when we meet them with love and our true self they have no claws.

  19. De-activating the automatic pilot that keep us circling around specific themes and moving in specific ways is not an easy task. What is clear is that can only happen if you work from the inside out. Only an empowered being is able to change its movements. When we do so, the old does no longer has the same grip on us.

  20. To be vulnerable is to drop our protection and I used to walk around very protected keeping people out because it was a way to get by. But I can see the harm that caused me and how actually there is an opportunity to be more open with myself and with others.

  21. The fear and expectation of how it will be to face our ‘shadows’ often is greater than the encounter itself. Actually the worst already happened and we managed to deal with it, ‘survive’ so to speak, proving that we have what it takes. The fear is only a paper tiger but as long as we give it power we will feel like a mouse.

  22. There is so much strength and assurance in vulnerability – not at all what it is associated with the word in the modern day.

  23. So much of our life is geared around ‘the fight for survival’ ‘the pursuit of the truth’ or ‘the drive for success’. No one it seems is talking about the magic of the stillness of you. Your words here Joan inspire me to face life without the need for defense – to stop protesting, barricading with tasks and start letting Love in it. For it seems the more we surrender control the more powerful and connect to all we will feel.

  24. Vulnerability is a necessary step to let down the guard and open up to people: We cannot have both – being protected and being love.

  25. “Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.” Yes beautiful Joan. There is great strength to be found in vulnerability.

  26. Wow I love the support of the intelligence all around us, the fact I have read this blog today is incredible as I am feeling everything you describe the willingness to feel my emotions the vulnerability and yet the sense of grandness and purpose of light.

  27. It is only until we embrace vulnerability that we can allow ourselves to be seen for the true tenderness and delicateness that we are, presenting ourselves in full transparency to another allowing for true intimacy in all our relationships.

  28. Vulnerability is part of transparency – taking off what doesn´t belong to us so that we can be who we are without any pretend or protection.

  29. It may not seem like it to some but there appears to be a lot of things to be fearful about. The media pushes this at us at every turn as well, make sure you’re insured, keep fit, eat breakfast, don’t speed etc etc. There are all manner of things out there to be scared of and to avoid and yet it seems the more we close off and retreat into our homes, because you are safe there, the more unwell we are becoming. I remember growing up with such a freedom, yes I lived in a smaller country town but you had the whole town to explore if you wanted. The restrictions on us as children were fewer then it is today. I am not saying back then there wasn’t problems but there seemed to be more space to deal with them. Is the thought of fear driving us in a direction that we retreat more and more from each other and hence our true selves? Could this point be a point that then causes us to be more and more unwell? As they say anything is possible and I say this is very possible.

      1. There is an individual responsibility here as well as a generational responsibility. It’s not about bringing the old times back but about holding onto or more living the value of where we are from. If we don’t consistently live this value then within a generation you can see it simply disappear. You can’t get rid of it all together but you can only see it as a distant memory. I remember life not being about cars, houses, boats and relaxing etc, life had a meaning above the physical things we can collect. Life was about truly connecting with those around you, it was about relationships and people first and this is what I hold dear. When we walk away from this then the world appears to be something when truly all we need do is come back.

  30. ‘Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.’ Spot on Joan, to honour how sensitive and precious we are is a beautiful way to deepen the relationship with ourselves.

  31. It is crazy that we are born into a world naturally all very vulnerable and tender and then brought up by society to dismiss this vulnerability. Shutting out something that is so innate in us is only going to cause harm to the body.

  32. Hi Joan, thank you for exposing the myth that vulnerability means we are less. By this I mean that many of us have grown up feeling that if we expressed any vulnerability or fragility then it meant that we were less worthy, not coping, weak etc. What has been shared is the amazing strength that fully allowing what we are feeling can bring and appreciating all that these feelings are telling us. I loved your comment – ‘I then connected to something big! I was now allowing a connection to my vulnerability!’ Thank you so much.

  33. What you share Joan reminds me of dressing up in disguise in games as a child. I feel as adults we behave this way when we get in a situation we start to fear. We put on one outfit after another to make it appear we are strong. And yet this constant outfit changing and many layered dress does nothing but weigh us down and cause us great stress. It turns out if we just stand, unafraid but open, gentle yet focused, feeling but not upset we have everything we could ever need to be in life. We are naturally the perfect style and design to thrive in life.

  34. Our confidence, or our assuring in who we are, is key in life. It’s how we walk and how we hold ourselves even in situations we are not sure in that actually makes these situations easier to handle.

  35. I was remembering today an old pattern of mine that I feel I have left behind. The pattern was that I tried to be strong in vulnerable moments and I remember doing this from a young age. It feels like a bracing and holding tight and in doing so my arms became very hard along with the rest of my body. In this way I walked around in life literally bracing myself, expecting the worst out of situations because what I was holding on to in my body was a constant reminder that that is the way I had to be in life. I can see now how much tension I was living under and it is lovely to feel how much of that has melted away the more vulnerable I allow myself to be.

  36. I now know that when I feel my vulnerability I have a choice to either go into protection, or allow myself to feel what my body is saying, I now know that to feel vulnerable is a moment which I can embrace rather than hide from.

  37. I’ve grown up around you can’t show your vulnerability, it was considered weak, so I learnt to harden myself. Its only since attending Universal Medicine’s workshops that I have allowed vulnerability emerge more often. When we give ourselves permission to connect to this, we really emerge out of something we never ever meant to be – true connection.

  38. Embracing our vulnerability and fragility allows us to become more real in the way that we express, there is no need to brace or harden the body in order to protect but just a surrendering to that which is divine.

  39. We can expend a huge amount of effort in avoiding our vulnerability. We protect ourselves and build up a shield so that we feel strong – something we believe is the opposite to vulnerability. But contrary to popular belief and the rational mind, in vulnerability lies strength. When we feel the truth of what is there we then have no need to harden and protect the body. We may need to get ourselves out of danger but this is quite different to walking around in daily protection.

  40. working from the inside out is the way to go! It makes complete and utter sense to start with the inner beingness and then gradually allow that to flow through the body.

  41. Looking back at today and my whole life, if there was one thing I would wish for, it would not be to live a worry free life, or one that took place without toil or strife – but it would be that I was able to embody vulnerability. To expresss how we are feeling right from the heart, to share our intimate feelings without getting hard, to be in touch with our senses and not feel like we need to go into emotions to feel safe again, I feel this would revitalise our lives in so many ways, greater than any solution or fix ever can. Thank you Joan for sharing this stunning blog. It makes me think I don’t have to be one of the herd just going along with hardening up in everyday life.

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