My Vulnerability was the Key

by Joan Calder, Frome, Somerset, UK, my home is my work now

I have just experienced something that shows me how much, and in what way, Serge Benhayon’s presentations and the sessions I have had and courses I have attended with Universal Medicine, are helping me to change deep internal patterns I thought I was stuck in for life.

My first memories are fearful ones; I was terrified of the world and everything in it. I have spent a lot of my life in panic about the possibilities of harmful events occurring – phobias, threats and invasions that could happen to me – and I was always on alert and worried about any weird sensations I felt from inside my body.

I became protective and numbed myself by throwing myself into activities in a very driven way, and eventually trained and then worked in body and therapy modalities to relieve the pressure that this built up, as well as searching for the “ideal” healing for my ills from many, many different alternative therapies. Some of these seemed to work at the time, but ultimately the problems were still there underneath… ready to pop up when any crisis came along.

And come they did! I built layers to try to protect myself, to no avail, and ended up really ill because I could not express how I was truly feeling. Then I met Universal Medicine and started to work with myself from the inside out, rather than from the outside in. I began also to realise how much I had blamed myself for my reactions and the hard shell I had created. The panics grew less, my reactions to everything became less emotional and dramatic, and yet I was still missing the key that could change my approach to life at a very deep level.

Then recently something happened that gave me that key. Walking up a hillside with my partner, Noel, who is country born and bred, we met a small herd of interested young cows. I panicked… they sensed my fear and came closer. I felt powerless. Noel gave me the choice of going on past them or turning round, there was nowhere to run to. After one single definite gesture and word from Noel had stopped them in their tracks, I chose to go on and we passed them without trouble.

I pondered deeply about this incident. We sat in the sun and I talked it through, and remembered a story about the Indian prince who eventually had to face a tiger after years of avoiding the confrontation, only to discover that when he did it purred like a kitten!

I then connected to something big! I was now allowing a connection to my vulnerability! Before this moment I hadn’t been allowing myself to feel my own vulnerability and fragility, or my own humanness. I sat there for a long time and felt what it would be like to honour that feeling. When I got up to go back I had no idea whether anything had changed or not. We walked purposefully towards the cows… I was on the side nearest them, I did not feel like trying to hide behind Noel. I knew I could not hang on to my old ways anymore, I kept talking to myself about how I have felt, that I can be, and am, full of Love, and that I am glorious inside, and at the same time I allowed myself to feel my vulnerability.

I was very near the herd. They all looked up and stared, but not one moved. I walked past them confidently and felt this great expansion in my chest, and a wonderful feeling of being joyful and connected to everything. My body was light and free, and the cows and the world were no longer a threat to me. I did not feel the relief I had felt the first time after I had passed them, there was no need. I had embraced my tiger – or rather cows!

Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.

I am no longer under the illusion that my emotions are going to disappear, but I have understood in myself my own reaction to them and felt a fundamental change of attitude. It could not have happened without the five years of encouragement to continually observe my choices and where they come from, and learning to feel my body and take more responsibility for myself.

And all this was possible because of the sure, steady loving support of Serge Benhayon, his clarity, and the continual inspiration of how he lives a life of truth, integrity and love – and from the support of the other practitioners, and many students of Universal Medicine.

Thank you all for the opportunity to experience my connection with myself and all that is around me in a new and loving way.

466 thoughts on “My Vulnerability was the Key

  1. I found it very helpful, once I realised that I can feel vulnerable, to discern whether it was vulnerability or fragility. The latter can be powerful and does not need change, the former has benefits but is perhaps not something that I would want to experience permanently.

  2. We all know the power of vulnerability, we know it inside and out otherwise we wouldn’t bastardise it as weak.

  3. There is a huge power in vulnerability and a massive blessing in the reflection of Serge Benhayon and others who live truthful and loving lives and inspire others to live by those same qualities, qualities we all share.

  4. To let go of the protection held in our chest, shoulders, hips and many more places in the body, is deeply supporting for our body to be a vehicle for God once again. To open our heart to everyone, no one excluded, to stop judging but just to be vulnerable is our way home.

  5. Feeling all my bodily feelings has completely changed my life for the better. In the past I would not allow myself to feel certain feelings such as fragility, vulnerability or anxiousness, and I would suppress these with food, alcohol or busyness. Since attending Universal Medicine presentations I have come to understand that all my feelings are whisperings from the wisdom of my body and I now heed them without reservation or judgement, as I know they are there to support me on my return journey to my soul.

  6. ‘Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.’ This is very beautiful to read and so true Joan. I appreciate very much your choice of opening your heart as today you are an inspiration of how we can be joyful and harmonious with every situation in life. In this way, what sometimes may seems a fearful challenge becomes simple and a valuable opportunity to heal.

  7. From some time to now I’m allowing myself to feel my vulnerability. It’s being a very precious time of acceptance of myself. I’m realizing that it’s ok feeling vulnerable, clunky or not always secure…it’s in these moments where I can feel more clear my body and the solid foundation within it. Joan your sharing invites me to open up my heart more, knowing that any protection is no longer needed anymore. Thank you.

  8. This is so lovely to come back to. When I don’t go over the layers of protection, it starts to feel as though the hardness of protection and the tension that comes with it is me. Vulnerability puts me in the place of allowing and understanding what is happening within me as well as out there, and I feel a better observer of life.

  9. Feeling my vulnerability and allowing it to be, for me is still a new feeling, instead of the fake confidence that comes from the protection and trying to solve it all in my head. No need to protect my vulnerability.

  10. Working hard not to feel what actually is there to be felt, probably takes up a lot up of energy and makes us unreal. Builds layers of protection. Like the feeling of vulnerability. It is not an undesired emotion, but a real feeling which shouldn’t be suppressed.

  11. I remember times when I have also been scared of energies in my body and also outside forces that have seemed inexplicable. Universal Medicine has brought an understanding of this world with its energetic outplay that totally makes sense showing there is no need to fear.

  12. What we are feeling often goes against everything we think or idealise life ‘should’ be. It’s an imposition we adopt and eventually identify ourselves to be. I am learning that these imposing pictures are actually crippling a sensitivity that is greater and grander than any ideal.

    1. I can relate what you share here Leigh. Not judging and being open of what I feel is being a great step to me. This brings me to appreciate and embrace more the clarity I feel.

  13. Reading this again it has struck a chord of realisation of another, deeper layer of protection of my vulnerability and of a tiger I have not yet faced. Very inspiring, Joan, thank you.

  14. I love your story Joan. t feels a contradiction in terms to be vulnerable and fragile brings us an inner confidence and knowing, but it is so true, this connection to our bodies is the way to be.

    1. I agree, Gill, it does seem like a contradiction yet to have no need for protection is the greatest form of protection – an oxymoron indeed.

  15. There’s a key difference between knowing what feels safe and being controlled by fears. You show beautifully Joan that we don’t need to go with the herd but equally can move forward without apprehension, knowing our every cell communicates and supports us to know what to do, and which way to move, in any given situation.

  16. I’ve read this blog many times, but today is the first time I’ve really allowed myself to feel what you share. I know I’ve spent my whole life trying to deny my own vulnerability even though I’ve been acutely aware of it. This approach has left me feeling anxious, hard and guarded. How ironic it is that we feel how safe we are in our fragility when we allow ourselves to let go of the hard protections we’ve built.

  17. When we’ve spent at least this lifetime putting up a wall of protection when we feel vulnerable, it can be quite an adjustment to simply not put up the wall and to stay with our vulnerability. But in my experience if we can get past that very first moment where it feels different, it then feels rather exquisite.

  18. We think that something big is outside of us, but in fact, vulnerability (inside us) is our greatest gift. For we are always feeling, knowing and we can be all of that in our living day. Acknowledge this if you like, for your world will be greater as you are greatness from inside.

  19. What I take from this is that when we are confronted by situations in life is that we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving.

  20. It’s funny how when we are fearless we see there is nothing to fear and so what we would attract through our fear doesn’t happen. I always assumed that every time I feared something and it happened I was just being astute when actually often I was attracting what I feared most in my demeanor and manor – people felt I was an easy target and had a go; there was an opening of self-doubt or guilt or ideal that I felt I needed to uphold and they were just highlighting to me where it was so I could have the chance to heal it.

  21. Working “from the inside out, rather than from the outside in” is how true healing occurs, so long as the ‘inside’ that one connects to is one’s essence and it is that Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine supports one to do.

    1. jstewart your comment has made me realise that for all of the years that I was working on what I thought was the inside, under the umbrella of ‘spirituality’, I was actually not working on anything at all. The false lights of spirituality bamboozeled me into believing that I was digging deeper and deeper within, when all along I was stuffing around on the outside!

      1. Yes, ‘spirituality’ and New Age ‘things’ are real trap. I was completely hooked and sold-out to kinesiology believing I was connected to the truth. When I realised I was not through the loving reflection of Serge Benhayon it was like discovering that the world is not flat and two dimensional, instead it is not only round, there is multi-dimensionality.

  22. Vulnerability opens us up to all possibilities. By letting all our defenses down we are then able to just ‘be’. Great sharing Joan.

  23. Building ourselves from the inside-out is a remarkable understanding to have and initiate. The outside-in model doesn’t work so well for the majority of people yet it has a power that makes it seem normal and even addictive.

  24. “Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.” It is amazing when we have these Aha moments as you did Joan, and can clearly see how something that has held you back for a very long time has been exposed and revealed and seen for what it is it is and it is never as scary or as difficult as we first think. What you have shared is something we can all learn from Joan.

  25. Observing is a very powerful way of being, offering us a doorway to ever deepening awareness. I find through observation that I see things much more clearly and hence learn what is to be learned from life, simply and with little or no struggle.

  26. A beautiful example of connecting to the truth that we all have within. When we connect to this we start to build new movements and pathways back to truth and love.

  27. This is gorgeous to feel Joan, giving ourselves full permission to feel and honour our vulnerability and humanness. When we allow this we aren’t fighting against ourselves.

  28. ‘Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world ‘ The world is a different place when this happens.

  29. Most people are familiar with defending themselves against the world, your sharing about how you actually allowed your vulnerability to lead the way and could open your heart to the world makes sense, it is seeing you as an equal part of the world, no different than everybody or everything else. No hiding anymore!

  30. ‘Allowing my vulnerability was the key to my opening my heart to the world – instead of defending myself against it.’ Beautiful Joan, so true.

  31. Feeling and staying with your vulnerability was the key here Joan, when we simply observe it, it is not the monster we thought it was. It actually supports us to feel more without the self bashing we can do. It is quite a beautiful process of opening up and acceptance and then we get the true healing.

    1. You have hit the nail on the head Gill and a lovely reminder to me to also allow my vulnerability to surface, feel it and stay with it….rather than running with the fear.

  32. A simply stunning sharing Joan that might seem simple on the surface but goes right to the heart of everything in life. When you move in a way that you know is true, there’s a connection and a knowing that means everything’s clear. The more I do this the more I can see that fear just comes in when I have pictures that aren’t me. We are so supported, so cared for and protected – all we are to do is honour that in our bodies. God takes care of everything else.

    1. Pictures can take us so far away from ourselves and we can live in complete fear- all because of pictures that have nothing to do with who we are or what is true for us.

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