Finding my Voice again

by Cherise Holt, Nurse, Australia

In the past I listened as my relatives described me as a girl who could ‘talk under wet cement’, meaning I was Little Miss Chatterbox. I know that I was a lovely, gentle little girl who could chat to anyone and I can see that this was their observation based on the huge change in me. Throughout primary and high school I had become very quiet and shy.

Inside I felt hurt and defensive by this comment, like I was somehow less than I used to be, and I had created my own story to back up the reasons for my change. I had taken on responsibility for others from a very young age and I began to think that a part of being responsible was keeping your worries to yourself. I was internalising my own worries whilst taking on those of others.

My school report cards began to describe me as ‘reserved’; a word that felt hurtful and that I allowed to stick with me for a long time. To me this word meant that I was not being myself, so when adults were labelling me as this, a part of me gave up on being anything more. When I was young I had noticed others got annoyed by my giggles and talking. I once got in trouble for whistling in class so I began to hush and measure my own voice.

At age eleven on holidays, my grandfather passed away suddenly. I was far away from my parents and to be honest, I can barely remember uttering a word. I felt the grief and sadness, and I struggled to express this with others. A part of me thought that I needed to be responsible and hold myself together, and another part didn’t know how to express the hurt I was feeling. This had become a big part in my life that best described, for me, how and why I had stopped talking.

By high school it felt like I had forgotten how to speak around people I didn’t know, and the anxiety that came with class presentations or speeches and group work was always highly stressful. My heart would be racing. But something else was now coming into play – when I did speak it required some sort of trying or a push behind it. I felt like I had to talk, and I thought what I had to say needed to sound right.

At sixteen I allowed a guy to make me feel even more insecure about what I had to say. I felt bullied as he would say things like ‘don’t you ever speak’ in an aggressive tone, and a friend said to me ‘just scream one time; I just want to hear you yell’. This was something I believed that other people must surely be thinking about me, too. The pressure to speak felt so heavy that I was choosing to do the opposite.

I was analysing every word I would say before it left my mouth: I would say what I thought was right, and if I didn’t think it was perfect I would hold back and say nothing. When I did speak I would analyse it later, pick it to pieces about what I should have said differently. I know my Dad could feel how hard on myself I was being; he would comment ‘don’t worry, it’s the empty vessels that make the most noise’. It was his way of saying, you don’t have to be loud or talk a lot, or be like anyone else.

In my twenties I believed I was lacking in confidence, so I searched outside for courses or assistance in finding it. But what I found was Universal Medicine – and presented to me was the fact that true confidence is already within me. It is about allowing me to just be, finding and honouring my own way of expressing.

There is something quite similar in the way that I spoke as a little girl and in the way I speak now as a woman – simplicity.

For me it lies in the connection to myself, whether I stop to feel my own heart beating, my lungs expanding or my gentle breath. I can actually feel if I have something to say or not, and that there is a way of speaking that is my way.

If someone is talking loud or fast I can tell if I am trying to keep up with them… my body becomes tense and my voice strained or louder than feels natural. I have held back from speaking up because I know someone else is louder and I would have to contend to be heard. But the feeling I now have is trust in what I have to share; it is too great to not find my own way to express it.

I can feel if someone else needs me to speak – for their comfort perhaps, or for me to respond with a comment they want to hear. But there is also an absolute feeling that it is okay if I choose not to speak or say much. It is not a way of holding back or not being myself – on the contrary, it is an honouring of me and what is right for me in the moment.

I have been hard on myself for a long time, analysing my words and adding complexity to life. Creating my own beliefs of how I should speak based on my perception of other’s views and comparison of other people. But I know there can’t be any hardness when you speak from within yourself, where you don’t hold all the right and wrong beliefs of how it needs to happen.

It is a progress of allowing me to just be, connecting to myself in a moment and feeling what I want to express. It’s letting go of the control I once wielded over my voice and discovering that not only do I feel like I have quite a lot to say, but that I am also giving myself the permission to express it, however it feels right for me.

 

391 thoughts on “Finding my Voice again

  1. We are so sensitive as children – and it just goes to show when comments that are made by others about us lay unresolved, they can continue to hurt us way beyond the moment they are said.

  2. It’s beautiful to read how you’ve nurtured your expression and with that are much freer to say what you really feel to say and also to not give yourself a hard time if you don’t speak either, but honour if that’s what you truly sensed to do at the time.

  3. It’s great to hear your journey from being silenced by the outside world to again feeling the freedom to express. I think this is a way many tread in their lives, from being free in their expression to becoming quite quiet because the outside world might find that comfortable. But they also need us to stay true in our expression so that we can get out of this mess we have ventured into where we do not say what is needed to be said.

  4. It is fascinating but more so indicting that our voice and the way we speak gets so manipulated as we grow up. Of course because we allow it to happen, but often it comes with a sense of giving our power away to something else. Or having to force our way through life in some way.

  5. Our true expression lies in the depth and quality of the connection we commit to building with ourselves, and from there we feel the natural impulse to express when our heart is open.

  6. It is interesting how we work hard to create the images others end up having of us and how we then use behaviors to try to control how others relate to a reduced version of us that match the image.

  7. With the claiming of ourselves and who we truly are, paves the way for our expression to flow and flourish.

  8. “I have held back from speaking up because I know someone else is louder and I would have to contend to be heard. But the feeling I now have is trust in what I have to share; it is too great to not find my own way to express it.” I love this as I feel this often in myself and give up when people don’t listen or talk over me. You inspire me to see in what way I can express without forcing, but in a way that is naturally to me.

  9. We bring about much complexity when we try to live up to the ideals. Thank you for the reminder that simplicity and confidence are natural to us and available to be reignited.

  10. Thank you Cherise, I can relate to the over responsibility as a child and not expressing my own worries and instead taking on others. True expression is a huge area, there can be so many things that impact whether we truly express our truth and how we feel or not. As you say it comes back to honouring ourselves and keeping it simple by letting go of beliefs and pictures around what we think we have to say.

  11. Our silence communicates more than words at times. A commitment to True expression asks us to speak when it is needed and stay silent when that is needed. We can only be true to ourselves if we are true in our expression.

  12. The more we let go of controlling our expression and thinking about what we are going to say from our mind, and instead opening up to expressing from what we feel within our body, the more we allow our natural expression to unfold.

  13. We live life like a multiple choice test, continually hoping to give the right answer – then getting despondent that we don’t. To be told we had everything all along is a freak out to our mind, but it’s the absolute truth. All we need, as you show Cherise, is to simply let it out. Thank you.

  14. What a journey Cherise of finding your voice again. It is interesting how we can think it is lack of confidence, where it was simply holding back and listening to the doubts in the head. We get many opportunities to re-discover our voices, the more we practice, the easier it feels.

  15. In the past I have so often held back from expressing what I am feeling or sensing, as such dishonouring my truth, always in fear of being ridiculed. I now realise that this has added to my belief that I lacked self-confidence, which I have since discovered is not true. The fact the we can feel the truth is a confirmation of the wisdom we all hold within, and the more we express what we feel from our hearts, the more we build and strengthen our relationship with our inner confidence. When we express the truth we feel we offer the opportunity for us all to open up and learn, grow and be inspired.

  16. Through judgment, comparison and criticism the world likes to remove all our innate confidence and there are many people willing to be a party to undermining us in this way. And of course it is only natural that we should join in and become our own worst critic, I know I did. But the antidote is to know that all of this bile coming at us and even from ourselves is toxic and all untrue. I then learned that self love is not only possible but starts to change everything and it is also the key to being able to love others, for when we don’t love ourselves, we cannot love another. This is a truth that we may often prefer to not know, but a truth it is. nevertheless.

  17. Like you, Cherise, I am profoundly thankful for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for presenting “to me was the fact that true confidence is already within me”. It is ongoing unfolding journey of joy as I re-discover myself.

  18. Theres a lot that can come between us and true real expression, for me ive spotted a measuring of expression, so I often express differently according to who I’m expressing to, it’s such a relief when I drop that and just talk and just be myself unbarred.

  19. I can relate to the control that restricts our voice and natural expression. It seems that this is something that we choose to impose on ourselves – from the influence of those around us. The thing is this can start so young we might not realise or forget why/how it all started and ‘think’ that this is who we are. Having any limitation, shyness, fear or hurt to say what is true for us is not who we naturally are, it’s become our interpretation of who we think the world wants or needs us to be.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s