by Joel L, Western Australia
In spite of the focus recently given to the number of women who are students of Universal Medicine, there are also men. As one of those, I felt to explore some recent discoveries about expressing as a man.
Warning: this might be a bit like someone is explaining the landscape in a foreign land that they have not yet seen for themselves. The words may be familiar, but it is hard to grasp just how beautiful it is.
As I have mentioned in previous articles, the most profound shift in my expression as a man has been the recognition that there has always been a desire to recognise the sensitivity and tenderness that lives (not too deeply) behind all the bravado, drinking and standard mateship rituals.
I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling. Feeling so much, but not having practised expressing these feelings, meant that the words usually came out in a clumsy or generally unproductive way.
The battle to try to explain what I meant/felt reinforced my view that life in the ‘man cave’ is not so bad (certainly easier). If my communication caused a reaction in another person, it was easier to blame myself and go back into the man cave rather than honour the fact that what I was feeling might be true. As such, the man cave was a safe haven and an easy retreat.
More recently, I have been popping my head out of the cave. I am finding a whole world of feelings that I have never really had to put into words.
I am learning the difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down… turns out there’s a difference. I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is. I am learning that the less time I spend getting my portfolio of achievements together and the more time I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become.
Finally, I am learning that other guys feel similar things and have the similar desire for tenderness to be their benchmark for life. What a world it would be once this becomes the norm, rather than the exception.
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
Closing down because we feel too much was a new concept for me, but makes so much sense, be we men or women. Learning that withdrawing and protection serves no one, least of all myself was only one of the many amazing things I have learned since coming to a Universal Medicine presentations. Living with an open heart and learning to respond, not react is still a work in progress, but is a more loving way to live in the world.
Popping your head out of the man cave…testing the waters in which we all swim… I see a tiny turtle that is slowly learning it is not the hardness of his shell that protects him but the delicateness of his inner most self.
Love this analogy!
Yes it is common to say that men have no feelings and are insensitive and rough, but I love how you share that actually the bravado is because men are feeling so much and it is a reaction to not knowing what to do with that. Makes so much sense.
Familiar patterns, which we tend to see as ours, are not our best friends but something we have befriended to avoid feeling how lost we can be.
The man cave is an illusionary safe prison that actually disables and disempowers us from standing strong in who we truly are. Whilst we might feel safe it is just an escape from the intensity we are sensitive to in life.
The man cave is simply man ‘caving in’ on himself and not living and thus sharing the warmth and tenderness of his inner most self.
Yes it is a very confirming and supportive signpost for others to allow their sensitivity expression.
“Finally, I am learning that other guys feel similar things and have the similar desire for tenderness to be their benchmark for life. What a world it would be once this becomes the norm, rather than the exception.” This is a landscape of a foreign land to the one I was raised in, however, as I live longer and gain greater experience of it so it grows in familiarity and it is now the landscape of my home. It is the landscape that is everyone’s natural state – tenderness.
We are so deeply sensitive we think the only way to deal with life is to shy away, yet thanks to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon we have been shown the true way we can live, one which we all know deep within, just have been too scarred to give it a go in full.
I love your blogs Joel, so light-hearted yet so very supporting for anyone to read. Great you are coming out of, have come out of the man cave. I am doing the same as well, letting go of the notion or thought that retreating away from life is the answer as it definitely does not work.
Thank you Joel for dispelling the myth that men are not as sensitive as women. The whole world has played into that myth and it is time to set the record straight.
‘I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is.’ It always comes down to honour our sensitivity and our willingness to open up and make mistakes.
“The difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down” – thank you for reminding us that they are different. And “the more time I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become” – this is super important to remember, that the world won’t change until I do.
It’s a beautiful blog Joel as it opens the reader up to understanding the process men experience as they return to their true expression of themselves, and how much sensitivity they have as they rediscover the way to be themselves again despite the world sometimes reacting.
My man cave was not so much a cave in the physical sense but a cave within me in which I would eagerly retreat when the going got tough and I reacted to the world around me.
Is it not surprising that we came home from the hospital dressed in something blue the transformation of what the world felt we should be, had begun. When could we practice and explore our tenderness? The more men that pop their heads out of the cave and express the traits we are all born with, we are showing others the strength of tenderness.
It’s quite amazing to read this now, a few years on from when it was written and feel the development in yourself Joel and so many more men who have committed to opening up and being honest about what gets in the way of them showing how sensitive and tender they truly are. Reading this now, I felt how amazing that reflection is to have in my life – men that are tender, caring and sensitive, that look you in the eye and that respect and honour the women before them. This is the way of the future, lived by us for the future of everyone, right here and now.
This is beautiful to observe in men, as when you look closely I see a tenderness in all men’s heart. Just they may have closed themselves off from feeling and living that, but when we allow each other to be, simply be, we are so tender and all the bravado will have no place to go.
I agree Joel – the normal we are expected to mold ourselves to does not support us to live who we really are. In fact, it misguides us to think we are not enough in simply being ourselves, and even worse that being who we are is deemed ‘odd’. To live our true potential is to live from our tenderness as this is what our true normal is. And the more we openly talk with each other about this the more we realise that we are not so different, and how natural it feels.
‘I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become.’ I can so relate to this and often find myself wondering where was I when life seemed dull.
The true ‘man cave’ we live in is not made out of mortar and bricks but reactions, judgements and dismissiveness. To truly step out of this as you show Joel, means embracing our tenderness, understanding and sweetness every day.
Beautiful Joseph – it is true liberation when we live in connection to our innate qualities, to who we really are through our daily lives, be it man, woman or child.
That is a brilliant distinction because I often withdraw physically, however the true withdrawal has already happened which was to move away from my essence.
” Finally, I am learning that other guys feel similar things and have the similar desire for tenderness to be their benchmark for life. ” As a man I can say this is true, as for me growing up, the only true way to express my tenderness was when caring for the animals on the farm. People were not able to accept my full tenderness, it was too hurtful for them, as it brought up undealt with issues for them.
I see this a lot in young boys that I meet. There is all that bravado but then you’ll catch moments where they feel safe enough to express this tenderness, usually when they don’t think people are taking any notice of them. It’s such a shame. Knowing you as a beautifully tender man brings this home as I can feel what a loss that many men are this tender too but think it’s not acceptable. If we don’t accept ourselves for who we truly are it’s no wonder we have all the various horrible behaviours that go on between us.
No wonder we have such a harsh, aggressive and at times violent world – we crush tenderness out of boys and men and we then live in a world devoid of this quality.
Gorgeous Joel, if we all come out of our caves and corners with the insights you share here, we will be all the brighter and lighter.
I wouldn’t say the man cave is exclusively for men, in hiding our true feelings men retreat but women also retreat into emotions which is an equally dark place to be.
We are all withdrawing in some form, thanks for your comment Leigh.
How often have we found ourselves in situations where we want to express something that we feel and yet the words just don’t come or we say something completely different to what we had intended. Being tender with ourselves can actually support our ability to express as we become more open and honest and willing to share ourselves with another.
As men we have found so much comfort wearing the many hats of what is expected of us from the world, totally distracting us from getting to know our true nature of tenderness, as it is only through our acceptance of it that we can connect to the immense love of God.
Wow Joel – amazing wisdom for anyone who has ever chosen to withdraw from life – thank you.
“I am learning the difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down… turns out there’s a difference.” That is for me really a good thing to find out this difference as it made life much more easier and less dramatic and painful.
Thank you Joel for sharing what it means to be in the man cave,
“I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling. ” it is interesting that when a man withdraws or shuts down we can think he is hard and uncaring when in fact he is very sensitive and feeling so very much if we as women realised this we would give space at this time and relate in a much more loving way.
I agree Jill, understanding can replace expectation or judgement when we realise a man withdrawing is simply feeling so very much.
I love how you describe your ‘man cave’. Not a physical place that you have gone to, which is often what we think. But it is where you have gone to hide from who you are, the beautiful and tender you. However in connecting to this there is a realisation that there is no need to hide from this and in fact it will support other men to realise the same thing.
Here here Joel! How magic it will be when this becomes the norm and not the exception indeed. It is so wonderful to have a conversation with a man who is simply being themselves and not trying to be something they are not. Sensitivity is not a dirty word, yet there is a silent rule that men are not to be sensitive. But how crazy is that when it’s what everybody collectively actually wants??!!
I can relate to this very much. When a man resists his own sensitivity and tenderness it often comes out as a complain and attack even on anothers/women for their expression in feeling, but as women this can feel shocking and unloving and yet if we are to truly support each other, we have to read the situation as it is and be super holding and understanding of ourselves first, this tenderness will then begin to ripple.
“Feeling so much, but not having practised expressing these feelings, meant that the words usually came out in a clumsy or generally unproductive way.” This can at times feel a huge hurdle to overcome when it does ‘come out all wrong’. however, if like a baby who falls over when learning to walk we pick ourselves up and have another go we will eventually find being tender and expressing our feelings is natural.
‘I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling.’
Perhaps we all have versions of this. I know I have retreated from all that I could feel by going to an array of comfort-seeking behaviours. I’m learning now how to begin to stick my head outside my self-created woman cave.
So a man cave is not about finding a place to be alone, but more about allowing yourself to have a place where the defences and postures can be dropped, and you can just be you. A revelation for all women.
Not being a man, it is hard to appreciate the profound change it must be to have permission to be tender, and in that not give up an ounce of the power that you are. Having observed it in many men at Universal Medicine presentations I can say it is glorious to observe.
Considering that when we do speak up we have the power to greatly change the world around us stepping out of the man cave is for sure a step worth celebrating. Holding back by staying in the man cave is a very unhealthy posture and whilst it offers comfort it does not truly serve anyone.
Least of all oneself and therefore the whole of humanity.
This certainly is heart opening in the level of honesty, men certainly do feel and do not feel less than women, and I am understanding more than with less practice in expressing these feelings, it may feel very foreign and overwhelming. As a woman who feels very important in expressing her feelings, when I do not hold this back, the reactions I receive from men may be silence or seriousness, that I am learning to feel and read more as well as respect each other, without avoiding to further express myself again.
We are all so deeply sensitive and receptive to so much feeling. However, how many of us are truly supported growing up to handle these feelings in full and express them without reaction all the time? Hence discussions about feelings and how to express them is very needed in this world to support each other to allow what is natural to be lived.
This shares what men can go through when they struggle to share how they are really feeling, and it is so great to be speaking about this and starting the conversation.
It’s a very confusing world at times, to deliver the truth can incite an attack, to be loving or joyful can trigger reactions and jealousy, and to be your innate gorgeous self can bring disapproval. It seems like everything that is natural and truly normal for us is shunned. And if we are not these things we are left alone. No wonder we all withdraw at times. We seem to have set up a society that has systems in place that mould us away from our inner naturalness, from being and knowing ourselves, and from our love, truth and joy. But the only way to stop withdrawing from life is to stop withdrawing from ourselves and be who we are in full despite the reactions and emotional turbulence from others. I’m still learning this so I appreciate the chance to look at it again through this blog.
If we are all living in caves then we are limiting our collective power and potential. Whilst we are not living in caves today closing our hearts and expressing like we are and as such keeping others out is still the same as living in caves. We have so much more potential together when we let each other in for all we are and bring.
There are so many things we assume in the world and one of them is that we assume men are rough and tough and just great a lifting stuff. A generalisation for sure but what if they way we look at men and equally the way they act is just a shop front to what is truly there? This article is another exploration into the world of men and actually how they truly are. In fact far from rough and tumble they are super sensitive which is an absolute strength. In a world where we now scientifically know we communicate far more unspoken and unseen then we do in what we see then how important to the world are men truly honouring how they naturally are? i would say in short, hugely important and in fact world changing important.
I love what you have shared here Joel and it allows me to appreciate how we as women can connect to our sacredness and stillness within our bodies and in turn support men to be their natural tender selves too. These conversations are brilliant and show that being open and honest about how you feel can truly change the paradigm for many and offer a new opportunity to explore life in a way that supports everyone to be just as they are without fear just the space to simply be. Super inspiring thank you Joel.
It so beautiful to read your blog, there is so much for us to appreciate how tender and sensitive men are yet they hide that away from the world and show something they are not. Holding back the truth of who they are. Joel this blog is great to inspire men to express more openly.
“I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling.” – I think this is a really helpful thing to realise because it honours just how much we all do feel and that we can often use things to bury our awareness of it because we’re avoiding dealing or truly responding to those feelings, rather than us just being ‘feeling-less’ so to speak…
Wow Joel this is a brilliant blog and so supportive for men and women to read, if men felt safe to express their tenderness and sensitivity I am sure the high rates of suicide amongst men would reduce considerably.
Anna I agree if men expressed openly the high rates of suicide amongst men would drop drastically.
How beautiful to read your blog this morning Joel, it made me truly appreciate how sensitive and tender men are, even when they build a bravado of toughness, it is only to throw others of the scent of their sensitivity. It made me realise how we all have a responsibility to allow men to show their sensitivity without the need to protect themselves and how through supporting this men are able to support women and other men to a deeper level of connection.
There is only one entrance to a cave that you go to hide in and you have to step out through where you went in to feel the warmth of the Sun and take your place in the beautiful surroundings that await you.
Oh I totally agree Joel, what a world it would be if we were all to live with the love and tenderness we all are rather than it being the exception.
It seems you are well and truly out of that man cave and it’s the whole world that benefits.
Dear “Joel out of the cave” I love this sentences: “I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is.” With that you are joining the “club” of human beings who chose to be real – as you mentioned. It is simply wonderful that the numbers of members of this “club” is continuously growing . . .
Living in a house of all men I have much more of an understanding of why men at times seek out a man cave. As women we can often give out different signals of what we feel is acceptable for a man to support us with and what is not. Men in truth are naturally tender, gentle and loving but when they express in this way sometimes women can shut them down with trying to compete and be one up. Men then have it coming at them from all sides, other men and women too. It is great with blogs like these to start having a conversation about it and to start decommissioning the man cave for good.
There are various kinds of men. Those that never leave the man cave. Those that venture out a bit but keep the cave as a ready back up, a go to place if something happens. There are also those that say no to the cave anymore. On the other hand, there are those who work to make sure that those who dare to venture a bit outside go back to it and those who have said no to it that invite everybody to feel how beautiful it is in the world out there. These are all choices of how to move in life.
Joel I simply love your honesty and openness – that is truly inspiring even if I am not a man.
Thank you Joel for a great sharing about what the “man cave” really means, so beautiful to accept and be able to come out of the cave to live the tenderness and vulnerability that exists deep within your heart. with that openness that: “I am learning the difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down… turns out there’s a difference. “
It is so touching to read from a man’s perspective, what the man cave’s purpose actually is. When you consider it, it makes so much sense. The way you express throughout this blog has an inspirational freedom, it’s brave and strong yet vulnerable. It really does moves me to imagine that through the philosophies and teachings of Universal Medicine true equality between men and woman will one day be possible.
Beautiful to read thanks Joel, this is a gorgeous understanding you offer of why men retreat to their ‘man cave’ and what it takes to begin venturing out. Lovely to have you in that tenderness and honesty, you pave the way for not just other men to follow suit, but also for women to have some understanding of what it is men have felt and reacted to.
I now have a greater understanding as to why men feel the need for retreating into a man cave, layering up with protection and the facade of toughness. We as a society have come to expect this from men, as we judge and ridicule them for expressing their sensitivity and tenderness, basically being who they are. Thank you Joel, for expressing this clearly and simply, in which you also highlight our responsibility as women, to meet men for who they are and allow the quality they naturally hold with within to be freely expressed.
Oh wow. There I was blaming men with their cave and their retreat but I can see how I push them into it and affirm that is where they belong. Just as much as women would love to be accepted for simply being the women that we are, men equally deserve support from women for them to be and express the true essence of who they are.
It is extreme behavior, to live from the tough shell to who we actually are as sensitive, tender men. I feel uncomfortable now when I feel myself go into protection and how hard it feels on my body.
For so much of my life, I have found myself literally holed up in my bedroom, in my house, on my own. Actually reflecting back the cave has come with me outside of these places, in my office, my friendships and relationships too. Any chance to withdraw when things get rough and too hard to handle. Yet what I never saw is that we are all doing this in our own way with sugar, Facebook, games or TV – sooner or later someone has to be the ‘bigger person’ or this roundabout of hurt will never stop. So it’s down to you and me to choose how we will be – to honour our sensitivity but to find out, what is life like out of the cave, perhaps it’s not so bad after all? Thank you Joel.
What you have shared here Joel, calls us all to be far more understanding, and offer space for another’s expression – to listen more deeply than to ‘the words alone’ and appreciate if the doors to a long held-back voice are being opened.
Thank you for sharing this Joel, it gives an understanding of what plays out for men and why they struggle to express themselves.
It is a well known fact that those in history who in the face of the reactions and disapproval of many have stood for truth even if to have to endure torture and at times death. It shows there is far greater value in upholding what is true than giving in and allowing the lie to continue.
It is so beautiful when a man is willing to express himself and share his observations, feelings and sensitivities. It allows you to understand and grow together.
The use of a mans’ man cave is defined by his behaviours in life not just a physical location that they retreat to and find security and comfort in. I know my man cave has been within me, not my inner heart which is a much deeper place of truth and unification and love for all, but a shallow place of withdrawal which I would seek in the past by going to my room and now have noticed I seek by shunning my voice and shutting myself down when something is not as I like it to be.
I can relate to this Joshua, there have been many times in my life where I have actually said to myself that I will never open my mouth again. This is often followed on from speaking up and having others react. I thought that was a bad thing until I met Serge Benhayon and I thank every day for his reflection of never stopping expressing even when the most horrid of reaction comes his way.
‘Finally, I am learning that other guys feel similar things and have the similar desire for tenderness to be their benchmark for life’. Beautiful Joel, it is so great that at last it has been put out there and confirmed what has been felt but unable to be acted on. There are so many open, connected and tender men and what this shares is the big invitation to make the choice to act on the love that is felt within.
I can feel how we all close down, both men and women when we think we have been hurt; we put tentative feelers out to see if it is safe to express, but often they come with a certain criteria, that others prove it is safe to do so….this is no way to live. The freedom of expressing who we are in essence with no testing is immensely empowering and something that I am reclaiming.
We hold back expressing as men, that is for sure. What we fail to express is that we are very sensitive. We get nervous that our expression will not be received in a way we want it to because that means we have to stand in our truth and also lead the way for others to see what being a true man is all about.
If more men expressed outwardly what they felt, it would make it far easier for all men in general.
“I am learning the difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down… turns out there’s a difference.” In my experience when someone closes down including myself there is a given up feeling that makes it even harder for any communication because in this place old behaviours start to play out that seem perfectly normal like work, or being on the computer and swear there is nothing wrong, because this is normal, but in the closing down all honest and meaningful communication is lost. When we stay with the reaction there is more opportunity in the rawness to keep the communication going.
‘I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling’. With all the roles, ideals and beliefs we impose on men these days to be hard and invincible have we completely misjudged and disregarded their innate tenderness which is actually one of their greatest strengths.
Absolutely Suse and the same goes for us women too when we place those value judgements on ourselves.
Beautifully said Joel. Your words help me to see that the world is missing out on the wisdom men can express from their innate tenderness because we are not holding men in love and supporting them to express.
I love the way you express Joel, with such wisdom and tenderness. And you are so right – being a gentle and caring man, is like exploring new, unexplored territory. For up until now it is like we as a race have been stuck on one island and thought that this is ‘it’. But there is so much more to being a guy. Let us all move forward to explore the qualities that we truly have – without disturbing our native grace.
This is a great sharing Joel; making big societal change and outlook begins with a small step and in this blog, you have provided it. All men everywhere and young boys would get much support from the reading of your words.
As women we need to make sure that we are supporting the men to be the exquisitely tender beings they each in essence are. This does not mean that we are going to be crutches for weak and floppy men that want to cry on our shoulders (!) but more so that we can accept, appreciate, honour and adore the gentleness and strength that is the true man. We have got it so wrong when we decided somewhere along the way that men could not be both gentle and strong, choosing instead to see gentleness as ‘weakness’ (which it definitely is not!) and adopting a vision of strength to be ‘muscle and brawn’ which is basically just hardness and protection if you leave true tenderness out of the equation. In order to support the men in this way, we as women need to give up the game of playing small, make the choice to reconnect to our innate sacredness and absolutely honour the equally precious beings we are in essence also. If men have been in a cave, then us women have been in a pit.
Very true Liane. As women we have a lot of pictures about how a man should be and most of them are based on lies that we have been bombarded with from outside. When a man is connected to his essence he is at his most powerful and most tender and he cannot be manipulated. This can be confronting for a woman that has relied on manipulation to protect herself. When I am met by a man who can express his tenderness I am given an opportunity to see just how skewed our ideals and beliefs about gender have been. When a man is met by a woman who knows and lives her own sacredness he has an opportunity to connect to his true nature.
I was watching a documentary recently and observing some young people talking about their life in Year 12, it was fascinating to watch some of the young guys – they had so much to share but you can see the conditioning that happens and how they have not been encouraged to express. One of the guys in the show would just grunt at his partner and she didn’t question it – it’s like we just accept this is how relationships will be. It is gorgeous when men do express how they feel as there is much for us all to learn from this.
One of the things I have enjoyed most about maturing is the relationships I am developing with men and realising they are just as sensitive (if not more) than me. It is beautiful to have relationship with men that hold enough equality and respect to appreciate this fact.
This is the best definition of ‘man cave’ I have ever come across – it is not just a physical structure, it begins much earlier than that and makes me wonder to what degree we already start inflicting it on young boys.
What a great exploration of the ‘man cave’ Joel and reactions changing to responses, making sense of things and bringing true understanding to your life.
“I am learning that the less time I spend getting my portfolio of achievements together and the more time I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become”.
I love how lighthearted this blog is yet at the same time deeply meaningful. This phrase especially stood out to me today – “I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling.” When we’re not raised or supported to acknowledge all that we feel or supported to express what we’re feeling then we can give up and retreat and try to numb out our feelings. And this is not to say to blame anyone for not showing us the way because they most likely experienced the same themselves, but to acknowledge that we do feel and we do know how to respond to those feelings it just may be unfamiliar…
IF you are having to go to war, shutting down your sensitivity may be seen as necessary, but other than that, it serves nothing to do so at all. The irony is that the guard we present as men does nothing to actually prevent us from feeling what we don’t want to feel, but because we refuse to feel emotions we don’t like, they invariable get buried, whereby they still run underneath the surface. And so we end up being a slave to feelings we don’t acknowledge, and when they do come out, they come out twisted – thus why often sadness for many if often expressed as anger.
You know, women have caves too, but nothing in this world feels better than committing to everything and putting it all on the line, both feet in, no wavering, no hesitation, absolute commitment to life and everything it has to offer.
I have been exploring sensitivity recently and the contradiction that as boys we are expected to toughen up and not be so sensitive – and yet, if we are deemed ‘insensitive’, this is also a bad thing. Seems like a no-win situation. Insensitivity can be traced as the cause for many ill-behaviours in our world, for in it we have no connection with other people, entrenched as we are in our ‘man caves’. What I find is that sensitivity is not a bad thing at all in truth and that it innately supports living more harmoniously together which is surely something we would all choose if we are honest I feel. Feeling offers us a more honest reflection of life and hence a greater opportunity to relate to others, to know ourselves and to be who we are.
I love the way you have appropriated the term ‘man cave’ as a description of the way men can so easily retreat from how much they are feeling and how sensitive they truly are. It just proves that we all miss out, the men themselves and everybody around them, when they retreat into the assumed safety of this dark and damp recess.
This is beautiful Joel, it is warming to hear a man express from the tenderness he is, on behalf of all men… and women also. Often beneath the toughest exterior lies the most delicate of beauties.
‘Finally, I am learning that other guys feel similar things and have the similar desire for tenderness to be their benchmark for life.’ Spot on Joel, it is beautiful to watch and feel men come out of their man cave and express their truth and tenderness – this is so needed in a world where men are struggling and shutting down how they truly feel.
Thank you Joel for another great article, ah… the man cave a place where men can go and hide away from the tenderness that innately is a part of them, when men open up to this part of them and share this quality it is just gorgeous to see and feel.
Great article Joel and a great learning for me, having the confidence to express from truth irrespective of the reactions of others.
Brilliant Joel – especially this “I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is.” When we connect to our own sensitivity we can discern why others react without judgment (of ourselves or them). This makes it easier for us to express the truth without attachment to the way it is received.
I love the part about there being a difference between shutting down and not reacting to someone else’s reaction. This is a valuable tool for everyone. It’s something I am practicing all the time. Letting go of the need to be right, without giving my power away to others.
Thank you Joel, this flips on its head the commonly held perception that men are tough, hard and remote, and without feeling in some way. If you consider all the roughest men you see in the world are actually feeling and have the most delicate sensitivity underneath, it brings a whole new level of understanding for some of the more brutal and violent acts that we see.
The thing is, is that most hold men to what they are not, and don’t see through the hard exterior.
It may sound odd to many but it would appear that the man cave is actually hurting us or rather it is allowing the hurts we feel towards life to perpetuate. The man cave does not heal these pains, it only covers them up with our doings so we are less aware they are there.
It’s a great point that we men can tend to close down because of the overwhelm of how much we feel rather than how little we feel. I would feel the urge to express but because it came with a force most often then would be reacted to. The giving up and holding back became such a default setting in my life that it could trigger in so many situations and be quite debilitating (energy draining). I appreciate the way Joel has commented here about subtle changes and a work in progress approach to finding a consistently true and tender expression.
It seems at every turn there is another amazing blog Joel… your statement “the more time I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become.” particularly struck me this time. It is not a usual ‘go to’ in life to become more ‘real’ in order to make life feel right again, by which I mean that it feels true, meaningful, connected and joyful. Such a simple and refreshing approach.
Sometimes I feel like a tortoise, permanently carrying a shell around with me, ready to hide myself if anybody makes a ‘wrong move’. But the more I see tender guys like you Joel leave their protection, it reminds me what a big weight this armour is to carry around. I for one, have had enough of the disconnection that comes when I hide away, even for one moment or day. It does not work. I have to work extremely hard to rebuild things when I eventually return. My feeling today is to practice the art of remaining and learning how it is to stay.
Hey Joel, you certainly are not the only one poking your head out these days, and you are not on your own coming out of the cave. This blog was written some 3 years ago and I can vouch for the fact that you and many other men have liberated themselves from the Man Cave pretty much once and for all, and us women are celebrating!
Hello Joel L, and life out of the cave is warm I must say. What you are saying is true though, and I often live in response to what I see and then adjust myself accordingly. This happens more obviously when I speak, you watch for people’s response and adjust your tone or direction accordingly. It’s like being a juggler in a way and trying to keep everyone at the same level no matter what you are saying, you want to be liked. Even though this has never worked I have kept trying it anyway. As you are saying the more care I take with myself in my movements the less I look for people to be an unattainable certain way. The link between the care you live for yourself and then the care you are able to have for others is strong. Care little for yourself and your world will reflect this back, care deeply for yourself and eventually the world starts to turn this way as well.
Leading the way Joel, for both men and women! Despite being a woman, I can easily admit that I’ve retreated to my own safe place for most of my life because I too felt that I could feel too much, and had trouble coping with that. The more I practice being ok with what I feel, the more comfortable I become with it and the less I need to retreat….it’s opening me up to a whole new world!
I agree Elodie. I have done my fair share of retreating and hiding away, often in plain sight which is sneakier than making it obvious. Joel’s blog reminds me that there is no true safety in protection.
Sensitivity and tenderness is something we all experience. Often it is so easy to be caught in the day to day of life and forget that we have these sides to connect too. What I have noticed, is that most men have these feelings, but hold back from expressing truth.
Agree Joel our tenderness doesn’t lay too deep beneath our exterior, this is evident by the vices we use numerous times during the day to keep it at bay.
“Finally, I am learning that other guys feel similar things and have the similar desire for tenderness to be their benchmark for life. What a world it would be once this becomes the norm, rather than the exception.”. I look forward to this day and I realise I can play my part now in supporting men to express this by allowing the space but by also being all of me because that in turns offers people to be all of them.
Excellent blog Joel. Men are very sensitive and tender, and living in a hard way which a lot of men do restricts the enormous amount of expression that is within, and the words are all jumbled and we never really get to say it all. Thank God for Universal Medicine!! Now men everywhere get to open their hearts and let it all out 😀
It is great what you share Joel a there are so many men I now and they all have the men cave as they don’t know how to usually express what they are feeling, mainly because they don’t know how it will come out or if they would look silly for expressing. What I have noticed when I am around them I give them the space to share, by just reflecting my openness to share and this I have noticed have supported some of the me to open up. I have had strangers in my company just feel at ease and have openness.
We like to reorganise life, but how often do we stop and honestly see that the way and mode we operate in is just trapped and locked up within this cave of constraints, this prison of the male personality? What would life be like outside of this familiar structure about what is right and wrong? For no matter how we fight the stereotypes out there, it is clear to me Joel that we hide in them too, from the freedom and delicate truth that lives inside every man, like me and you.
Another great blog Joel I can relate to the man cave, as a woman I had my own type of woman cave, I too am understanding the difference between reacting to someones reaction and closing down. I realise more and more that to not beat myself up if I make a mistake but know that there is a learning to be gained. When a man opens up to express in honesty and with tenderness it is beautiful to behold indeed.
“I am learning the difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down… turns out there’s a difference. I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is. I am learning that the less time I spend getting my portfolio of achievements together and the more time I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become.” I can totally relate to this Joel – what you have shared applies to women equally – we just disguise our true feelings in a myriad of ways.
Joel this is GOLD: “I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling.”…Men are exquisitely sensitive. In fact we all are. And we have trouble with this sensitivity when we don’t have the support nor the understanding to express it. I love how you have explored this and allowed it to gradually unfold. This is very inspiring to all men and all women!
To see, accept and appreciate that the man in my life feels everything was a huge step forwards in our relationship. As men are often not so familiar with expressing freely, I see my responsibility to support here and that starts with taking responsibility about how I did, and do, support the ‘closing down’; how I create an atmosphere of feeling unsafe (by my needs and wishes on them to be different & for my own comfort).
Joel I agree the man cave is something boys are taught to retreat into, I certainly was. It is a place where we go and think we are doing everything that is asked of us, but in that I completely lost who I was and therefore was not even living close to the man that society and myself desperately want. What you share about “I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is.” is great to read as it is a very humbling reflection that keeps simplicity in life.
Sound does echo in a cave therefore we can’t take for gospel what we hear when in the cave.
True Luke… and it is pretty hard to see clearly in the dark too. Our behaviours of protection are what truly hurt us the most.
Accepting and having understanding of other people’s reactions has been life changing. I used to want to avoid others reactions and make sure everything was happy on the outside. Nowadays I’ve let go of any happy ideals and I’m much more able to read the situation and see if the reaction is because I said something true or if I said something not true – both can cause a reaction.
It seems women have equally created their own version of a man cave. I used to spend a lot of my time in such a cave whilst presenting a nice image to society so that no one would question my cave inhabiting. It was my feelings and expression I kept in the cave.
“More recently, I have been popping my head out of the cave. I am finding a whole world of feelings that I have never really had to put into words.” I got a great mental image with this one Joel. How beautiful to read someone beginning to trust themselves and the world to communicate what they feel 🙂
Reacting to someone else’s reaction and shutting down as a response gets us nowhere fast. Life is about relationships and as we grow and evolve within ourselves and with each other it can challenge and often be uncomfortable as it exposes our thoughts, opinions and actions that have not been loving for either ourselves or others.
Truly beautiful Joel, thanks for being willing to ‘go there’ and start the conversations that bring men out of the closet, or is that the ‘man-cave’. It is time we as women began to recognise, listen and value the inherent sensitivity men have, allowing that tenderness to be part of normal expression and relationship. We have a lot to learn from one another as a sex, so thanks for being willing to make a start on behalf of all men.
Imagine a million Man Caves built one inside another. A labyrinth if you like. This is where I feel many of us have lived as men. For when one protective area, topic or habit stops to work, we can simply retreat and huddle in the next. To actually leave these nooks behind to no longer carve holes in the rock is a big change for men today. And yet there are many who are beginning to live this cave free way. For God knows the darkness and dankness of these small spaces plays havoc with our skin, drains our health and stops the light from flooding in. And ultimately keeps us from seeing that we have light to bring just as you do here Joel with these words of freedom that you sing.
Thank you Joel for sharing your experience, I can totally relate to all you say and feel and I live in a woman’s body, so it isn’t just men who retreat to the cave. It’s really amazing to acknowledge that we shut down not because we are unfeeling but because of how much we are feeling, and the sensitivity that brings.
As men we shut ourselves down from feeling what is going on in the world, but equally what is happening within ourselves. It is our greatest weakness.
Great point Adam, and I guess this is true for all of us: by shutting ourselves down we miss the world and the world misses us.
“I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling.” This should be proclaimed from the rooftops, as so often men are put down for ‘not feeling’. Great to re-read your post Joel.
Getting ‘real’ by meeting my own feelings and understanding that without being in touch with myself I cannot truly be in touch with others, has affected the quality of all my relationships. In particular, just being able to now meet another man and know a sensitive interaction is possible, always changes the interaction from the first moment our eyes meet.
Men are a strange breed, starting out tender as a child and then hit with the hammer and made to be hard? We spend the rest of our life hiding what we truly are, the tender loving children that can’t come out and play! I am proud to be a man that is coming out of his cave and showing other men there is another way to be our true selves in the world we live.
Inspiring Steve! Not only will you inspire fellow men, but also women, because we too need to be reminded that we don’t have to be ‘tough’ to make it through life. There absolutely is another way, and it it is so much less taxing!
This is a beautiful read Joel and I can feel the open and loving willingness there you are bringing others. Your comment – ‘I am learning the difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down… turns out there’s a difference’ confirms there are no differences between the man and woman in essence, the only difference is the way we allow life to impose on us and dictate who and how we are to be.
Bring on more men coming out of their caves- there is nothing more gorgeous than a man who expresses himself and shares his tenderness.
The ‘man cave’ has been a source of contention for women for a long time. It is beautiful to read from a man why men have created the ‘man cave’ in the first place and then to feel our greater responsibility as both men and women to ensure that we allow men to express their tenderness, sensitivity, and sweetness in full.
Yes, we all loose when any one of us holds back from expressing the truth, be it how vulnerable we feel, or upset or delighted etc. The endless pretence we have become accustomed to keeps the facade going, while beneath our fake smiles, there is deep suffering simply from not being ourselves.
So glad you have come out of your ‘man cave’ Joel. Your expression is a blessing and gift for humanity. I can relate to going for it an expressing what i feel but it coming out rather clumsily, and not as lovingly as it might – but in those moments when this happens, I remind myself that I am taking baby steps after many eons of not expressing from my essence, the true me, at all, so it’s going to take some practice. Sometimes it comes out clearly and other times not so much, but either way, it’s an opportunity to learn and also to detach from the need for it to be received in a particular way, as I cannot control this.
Our propensity as men to isolate ourselves from the world is our greatest loss. We do not like weakness – acknowledged – but as a result of ignoring and not expressing how we truly feel, we are owned in a way that leaves us weak in ways we do not understand.
“Feeling so much, but not having practised expressing these feelings, meant that the words usually came out in a clumsy or generally unproductive way.” I know a few men that fall into this too, so they hide away in their caves. They have so much to express but feel that when they speak and someone reacts they have to hide away, even though they know what they are sharing is true. I guess if the men just trust themselves then their expressions will come more easily.
Superb Joel, I too was a great lover of my man cave, one thing that I am learning is that what I say may cause a reaction too, and I need to be careful not to react to the reaction.
Part of the reason men do not embrace their own tenderness is not because it is not imminently there within them, but because they do not feel it is safe to do so.
Joel – I love that you are open to constantly learning – that you are looking at accepting and being open to not taking other people’s stuff on – and that this has supported you to be more of who you are.
A life dedicated to learning – that is so cool – I love it. Also it’s amazing that you have left your man cave to explore your exquisite tenderness out in the world.
Men living in the cave, fight very hard to keep their cage up. It requires constant work. Why do men sometimes leave it until their dying moments to see how sensitive they are?
Thanks for sharing Joel. Men find it an extreme relief when they don’t have to show any protection or hardness. Men are very fragile, sensitive and tender and despite that we have images of men that are very tough, and rigid – they show enormous sensitivity and care when they can be themselves.
Whilst we may have jobs, families and friends I have found its still very much possible to still be stuck in your cave then. Silent and quiet, ‘brave and strong’ driven and determined all day long, this is a lonely place to be. Imagine a world, where men expressed what they feel and tenderly revealed a delicacy and sensitivity into the light. Wow – then I sense you would see us all blossom. And you need not imagine it all, for thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I have seen many men, like me, begin to unfold and step out of the cave once and for all.
Thank you, Joel for sharing this on behalf of all men. We women need to hear and feel this very deeply. I do.
What a great insight to men, thank you Joel, in fact, the ‘man cave’ pattern is possibly very familiar to many women reactions too…”tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling…”
Yes I agree Johanne, it seems to me the more we feel the more we want to retreat into what we see as the safe haven of the ‘man cave’. I remember as a child feeling everything and not knowing what to do with those feelings, and instead of staying open and learning to express those feelings I chose to close down and retreat into my ‘safe haven’….the man cave.
What a crazy situation that we wander around in life pursuing a million avenues yet are fundamentally trapped inside our cave the whole time. Your words help me understand why when I see men collaborate, share or hug openly it almost makes me cry. it is like we are prisoners emerging from a long stint inside. Here’s to your words Joel and the true freedom that can come from us opening our heart to the world and letting Love in.
In a genuine connection with another man recently ( a big man, tattoos abound) I happened to comment how much tenderness he was moving with. He smiled a huge smile and said yes, don’t let the tats fool you. The tenderness we hold as men is known to us all and as Joel said, not so deep underneath the bravado.
There would be a vast difference in our world today if we all began to pop our heads out of our cave, as we would realise that we are not so different and alone in feeling sensitive and craving tenderness. If we began to share honestly what we truly felt we would develop trust between us and walk confidently with who we are through understanding that we all have these very similar feelings as we are all connected in essence.
Our tenderness is in fact our strength as it is a natural expression of who we are. When we are walking with our tenderness we are walking with ourselves, in full. I can relate to hiding away my sensitivity, my tenderness, for I was not confident that this was truly me, as it was not commonly expressed or lived. Yet I have since discovered that in hiding away our sensitivity we are hiding ourselves away and so not living who we truly are. Every time, still to this day, my heart melts and I feel inspired when I am met by a man who has embraced his tenderness as I know I am also of this same tender quality.
I have been learning about my reactions too Joel and how easy it is to jump into reaction without really feeling the situation. By stopping to feel each situation and not jumping in to defend or justify has meant that I no longer react like I used.
This is brilliant Joel and I must say I am reading it for the first time, but what a stereotype you expose here. The man and the man cave, shut off to the world and keeping feelings to oneself – but just under the surface is a race of gentle, sensitive beings who feel everything all of the time. This is a beautiful reflection for all.
Thanks Joel – You are far too awesome to be hidden away in a man cave! Reading these lines today was heaven sent “I am learning the difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down… turns out there’s a difference. I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is. “The way you express reminds me to be tender with myself as I navigate my own reactions and expression.
I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling.” Welcome out of the darkness of your man cave Joel and into the light so that we can all come out from hiding in our own cave and join you at the fire.
Great comment Mary. When we embrace our tenderness, who we in essence are, we Light the world with the Love we are so others see and can know that there is another to way to live that is in fact our natural and original way.
Thank you Joel, your blogs always offer me something to ponder on in my own life. Reading this reminded me that I had my own ‘woman cave’ for many years, not wanting to be hurt again I stayed close by this cave ready to retreat to it when life got too much. Thankfully I have healed a lot of the old hurt that stopped me from being who I truly am, and the more open and loving I become the more trust I have built for myself allowing the need for my cave to drop away.
The man cave is a comfortable hiding hole for any man (and woman) but it is going to change nothing in this world when we are closed down and not expressing what we feel. We have become so good at not feeling that we think men are tough, hard and unfeeling but as I am learning if we see a man as just that, he is even less inspired to open up and share what he is truly feeling underneath
I love the simplicity of what is written here – an opening and path blazing unfolding that will support all around you, Joel, especially our young ones trying to express from their own tenderness. I loved your ‘Awakening’ – ‘I am learning that the less time I spend getting my portfolio of achievements together and the more time I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become’. Thank you Joel for all you are bringing to life and Humanity.
So glad you made the decision to come out of your ‘man cave’ Joel. What you offer/share with us is truly beautiful.
Yes very true Marion. It is inspiring to experience and feel the expression of Joel’s tender way, a blessing for all of us through his wisdom shared.
I have just read this blog again Joel, and it is particularly poignant for me right now. Women often accuse men of being “unfeeling”, but you have pointed out that it is quite the opposite. When we feel so very much it can be overwhelming – what on earth do we make of all of these feelings? How are we meant to respond to them?
Although men and women have somewhat different tactics for handling this, there is a lot of crossover – the comments above have highlighted this truth. The woman cave exists and is not a rarity.
Recently I have discovered a substantial cave I have created for myself in my workplace. How can that happen I have been wondering? To discover a cave after dwelling in it for 16 years? Well I guess it is a slow process of retreat into what seems to be a safe shell. It becomes so normal to live in its confines – stooped and small – that to stretch our backs tall and open our arms and breathe to the bottom of our lungs feels unnatural. And the feelings you feel after stepping out into the light! So raw and vulnerable! So aware of the sea of nuance in which we swim!
It is a challenge to emerge form the cave. What if we were to honour each other for this step? To appreciate those who make the choice? And appreciate ourselves likewise?
Thank you for being the interpreter from Mars, Joel. I found it telling when you explained that your man cave behaviour comes ‘ not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling. Feeling so much, but not having practised expressing these feelings’. That’s music to most women’s ears – to learn of the true nature of men – and very important to be fully understood, so men can be supported in expressing their tenderness, fragility and vulnerability in order that their everyday expression can become their safe haven of choice rather than the reclusive
Beautifully said Anne, I totally agree. I feel the same and Joel’s blog is deeply inspiring and healing to read, I have read this many times yet it’s powerful messages are always deeply felt.
I love your blog Joel. I have read this a few times and reading it again it simply brilliant. I can so relate to this part ‘Feeling so much, but not having practised expressing these feelings, meant that the words usually came out in a clumsy or generally unproductive way.’ There have been many, many times where I have felt this and even beat myself up for my clumsy way of expressing but now I understand how to express without fear, or judgement but coming from my inner knowing and truth. Once I connect to this, words seems to flow out of me with ease and truth is felt.
Tenderness, something I am seeing and feeling more and more in men, something to be celebrated and appreciated and encouraged. Love this sweet blog Joel.
Love the line about not worrying so much about achievements and portfolios, portfolios don’t make the person, being real does.
Absolutely Jaime, the real connection to be a living Son of God does make me feel complete and this has nothing to do with a portfolio.
I am experimenting with this too Esther! I’m realising that the important thing is to keep expressing, and to focus (to the best of my ability) by expressing from what I feel in my body – and that if I do this, there is an ever expanding opportunity for learning and more expression.
Great news Joel! The man cave has been a bit of a mystery to me, but your explanation of it has opened up my understanding for the retreat there I n the first place! There may be a lot of real estate up for sale or dismantle!
We are all tender by nature, yet it seems we are terrified of this tenderness, otherwise, why build a cave in which to hide? What are we hiding from? The brightness of our light.
Thank you Liane, could it be the natural love that is felt when we connect to being the tender loving Son of God, which is a responsibility that few at this point of time are willingly choosing?
Yes it does seem like we are all so terrified by our tenderness, why is that, are we scared to feel our light and how bright we can shine? This is possibly the case.
There is nothing sexier than a man willing to express his tenderness. It takes great courage to live this tenderness in a world that is not set up to support it. Thus, those who are strong are those who are tender. And so contrary to popular belief, there is nothing strong or sexy about a man who has chosen to hide his innate gorgeousness beneath a tough veneer. Thankyou Joel and every other man brave enough to step out of this self created cave, the world needs every divine bit of you in it.
Well said Liane. I feel both men and women are hiding away from expressing their tenderness, so the more we choose to share and express this, the more we feel safe to express it with each other without fear of being judged or ridiculed.
True Liane, there is nothing sexier than a man willing to express and not hide his tenderness. Hard too to have a melting moment hug with a tough and hardened exterior.
I agree with every cell of my being Liane, “There is nothing sexier than a man willing to express his tenderness.” What is beautiful is that there are so many men stepping up out of their ‘man caves’ like Joel and presenting their gorgeous tender selves, and reflecting to other men who they are too.
The beauty of expressing one’s feeling lightens up the land, specially when men take the courage to do so, breaking the ingrained consciousness and lies about how we are supposed to be.
I started spending more time out of the man cave and then decided to dismantle it. I found that if I thought I messed up, if the cave was gone I was stuck with dealing with the issue because there was nowhere to hide. I have found when we face the illusions we have created they dissolve into what they were… nothing.
I feel so many more guys are coming out into the light from their caves of comfort it is truly a joy to feel their tenderness, sensitivity and openness to express more and as Jeanette shares.You are an inspiration Joel paving the way.
Yes I agree more men are coming out of their shell, it is beautiful to feel their tenderness and openess.
Coming back to this awesome blog again today I can really feel that big changes have occurred. In your words Joel “The man cave was a safe haven and an easy retreat” This is where I would go constantly (the woman cave) after expressing and the recipient reacted in a way that was so not what I had expected. I could not get back into the cave quick enough. It is like taking those baby steps out of the cave into the light and with consistency building around my livingness in re-imprinting old held patterns of ‘getting it wrong’ or ‘its my fault’ etc but to stay true to that deep inner connection and to express from there too. Such an inspirational sharing Joel thank you.
“I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling.”
This feels very true Joel. I come across many beautiful men in my job, whom I can feel have an equal depth of sensitivity but have difficulty expressing it, using their ‘man cave’ as a retreat. It is so beautiful when they feel safe enough to come out of it and the depth of wisdom, and tenderness with it, that comes from them is like a gentle but voluminous and very welcome wave over and through the body. Lets welcome and allow this more from our men. Come on out guys, the world needs you. Yes there is a lot to feel but there is also more support now with men like Joel paving the way.
Absolutely Jeanette, I am witnessing more and more amazingly beautiful and gorgeous men coming out and expressing their tenderness, sensitivity and wisdom. This is a blessing for us all.
When I choose to stay connected to myself, I am then able to see what is truly playing out by allowing myself to stand back to observe and the truth becomes very clear.
I have experienced this too Roslyn and what I have come to realise is that it only hurts me when I react to people’s reactions and take on their hurts by going into sympathy. I have come across times when I expressed what I feel and I got a huge reaction. When I choose to stay connected to myself, I am then able to see what is truly playing out by allowing myself to stand back to observe and the truth becomes very clear. Truth doesn’t hurt when we accept it.
‘I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong’…This is where I tend to retract, when I get a reaction from someone, I start to feel responsible and terrible for having expressed what I felt. I often go into thinking I have said the wrong thing but in fact they could simply be reacting to hearing the truth. So, if I retract and even apologise it defeats the purpose of expressing the truth of what I felt. It no longer serves me or the other person. So, now I am learning to not react to people’s reactions, just observe and also discern what they express back to me is truth or not. To honour what I and others feel, to deliver truth with my absoluteness and not to stand small or back away when I get a reaction. The key for me is to stay connected to truth, to be lovingly supportive and not to be attached to them understanding the truth, they will only accept it in their own time. I am learning to express what I feel, observe and stay detached to an outcome.
This is an amazing thing to learn Chan and something I am still working with myself. The key is to stay connected to truth and not attached to outcome.(Attachment to outcome has been the tricky part.) I love how you have expressed this.
Reading your blog the second time Joel reveals another layer of wisdom you’ve so beautifully shared, I love it. I can so relate to your blog, as I too have created a ‘woman cave’ and slowly I am learning to come out.
Chan, I was going to express this in my comment. Thank you
I am coming out of my ‘woman cave’ too Chan which as Joel put so beautifully I chose ‘not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling’. I am coming to appreciate my sensitivity and awareness more and more and the more I do, the less and less I feel the need to retreat into my cave.
Come out come out from where ever you are. This world needs men to be expressing what they are feeling and showing others there is a tenderness and sensitivity to men that is naturally within them and has been there since childhood days. It feels so gorgeous to be around a man in his natural expression. Thank you Joel for an awesome blog.
Closing down and shutting ourselves out to people (men and women) affects our bodies in that what was felt is still trapped inside. I know for me in the past if I hadn’t expressed what I was feeling then this continues to mount up and further down the line it would finally come out but with a lot of frustration and anger. This was damaging to myself and others. We have all been programmed in various ways to not acknowledge we have feelings and that they need to be expressed.
I can so relate to what you’ve shared Anne. I have suppressed my expression for a long time and the results are the same, I end up feeling frustrated and angry, more so with myself. Now, I am learning to express what I feel whenever I feel to and to do it in a very loving way, to express without emotion or imposing on people but with truth and love. To observe and allow others to express and allow them to just be.
Thanks for letting us pop our heads into the cave for a fleeting look. It’s really helpful to see the world – truly shown, without the portfolio – from a man’s point of view, to build deeper appreciation of what’s driving the other gender’s bus.
I have removed all the walls in my cave but at times stand were it was if only for a moment. I am getting better at expressing the real me. You are right Joel, that the more I am open and be myself it opens up others around me.
Thank you Joel for a peek into the Man Cave. I know some beautiful boys of around 5 to 16 who are very sensitive, Loving and tender and with the encouragement of their Parents and Grandparents, hopefully, will feel supported to express openly how they feel and not shut down.
Thank you for ‘popping your head out of your man cave’ Joel and writing this beautifully telling blog. We as women know you men are in there, tucked up inside the thick walls of your caves, we feel your depths, your amazing tenderness and care but we’ve been hiding too, almost hibernating, in our own places of comfort and refuge, we have been seeking you out but it’s just been so dark in your caves and without a torch to guide us we’ve become lost in our own rocky corners. Thank you Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, the torch that guides the way out of the depths of our lonely caves into the light, to see and experience the beauty and the wonder of each other in the fullness of our glory.
What a great anology to explain what it is like for you as man to express or not express Joel. Men haven’t had much of a chance to practise expressing what they feel. For me as a woman I have had lots of practise expressing from a reaction and getting emotional. Expressing from our emotions was shown to be allowed and the way but since being involved with Universal Medicine I am beginning to understand our expression so so much more than expressing my emotions. I can now understand why I was never attracted to healing modalities that were very cathartic and chose one that took you above your emotions to observe what was happening to clear the repetitive pattern. Unfortunately that left the body out of the equation which is one receiving all the information so nothing was every ‘cleared’.
So true Joel, in my experience my man cave developed due to the inability to cope with what I was feeling not because I didn’t have feelings.
This is a very important revelation as withdrawing yourself as a man is very common. I know it has been normal for me as for a long time I didn’t know how or what to do with what I was feeling. So I didn’t do anything and didn’t voice any of my concerns and created the man cave.
Things are didn’t now because I found the man cave didn’t offer any real protection but diminished my real potential as a man.
All men are innately tender and very expressive. There is a strength in honouring our feelings and expressing how we feel in full. However, boys begin to be programmed from a very young age to be tough rather than tender and silent rather than expressive. This comes in subtly through comments from adults such as ‘don’t let him play with dolls or wear pink, he might grow up to be gay,’ ‘he keeps crying when people tease him, he needs to learn to harden up…’ What these comments are actually doing is telling young boys that there is no place in the world for their tenderness and natural expression, when in fact, the world is crying out for men to live and express these qualities.
Awesome blog Joel. I just love how you expressed ‘I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling’. When truths like that are shared so beautifully why on earth would anyone still believe that men are any less sensitive and tender than women.
The “norm and not the exception” – referring to a world full of tender men. It’s a world I’d love to live-in. First is to stay outside the walls of the cave for ever increasing periods of time.
Love it Joel – an honest and real sharing of how many men must feel under their roles and disguises.
Yes it is certainly easier and more socially accepted to hide in our caves so we don’t rock the boat, but it is also holding us back. Isn’t it more honest and loving to be able to share how we truly feel? I’d love to see the day when this is the norm and not the exception too.
I love your revelations Joel and that you’re starting to emerge from your cave. I’m looking forward to the day when all men really start to express what they’re truly feeling. We are being deprived of a depth of wisdom because men are not encouraged to honour their sensitivity and tenderness. It’s time we allowed men to feel safe enough to express from the exquisite tenderness that is within.
This is actually beautiful expressed Joel. Even though you guys have a ‘man cave’ it is also a similar experience for women, where our expression can also be clumsy or delivered in a way that may not be heard because of the way it was expressed. I find my expression is in constant development, and some days are harder than others, but what I do know is that now that I am discovering how to connect to what is a true feeling for me, and manage to get that out in words, gives me great encouragement to keep going.
Your willingness to openly share your discoveries about yourself is so deeply appreciated… for not many men embrace their sensitivity and tenderness and step out of the cave let alone share it so honestly, yet in doing so your words support those to follow suit through the understanding you offer. You are an inspiration for men and women alike to express the exquisite qualities they protect behind the masks they wear by lighting the way. Thank you.
Beautifully expressed Joel, and how wonderful it is to hear and feel men express with their true tenderness and sensitivity.
I am always amazed by the just how sensitive I can be to even the smallest things, it reminds me that as men we are far more sensitive and tender towards life than we will often let ourselves admit.
Awesome Joel once again. As a woman, you offer great insight that births necessary understanding with your words here: “I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling”. A man feels and is as sensitive as a woman, because both are human beings.
Thanks Joel, great blog. I am finding that the beauty of expressing in my tenderness is so lovely I don’t want to leave that, I love the connection it brings with others. The old ingrained fears of rejection and patterns of protection are still strong and assert themselves often before I am aware, but whenever I remember I now choose to bring my tenderness.
It is lovely to read your perspective Joel, as it is true men all carry a tenderness within and to be able to begin to express from your tenderness is such a true gift to all. What you share explains so much to me about the way we can all choose to shut down from this innate tenderness. Yet by choosing to begin to express ourselves more openly, we offer the world so much more.
Thank you Joel for coming out of your man cave and sharing your tenderness with us all. When we shut down our awareness of all that we are feeling we lose sight of the fact that we are reacting or responding to something we have felt!
I love your playfulness. From my perspective as a woman, I can see that society expect the man to provide, to be hard, strong and cope with any situation and most of all not to show their tenderness. It all seems to be controlling and not real. The reality is seeing how damaging these expectations can be. We all have feelings and we should always express how we feel without holding back in fear of jealousy and being condemned. We are all the same, equally tender, vulnerable, loving and gentle.
I so enjoyed what you share with us Joel. My own cave is getting less visited lately. Even a few cobwebs forming at the entrance. Since finding my voice, expressing and in particular really listening to others, the urge to hide away has lessened.
Love it Joel how you deconstruct the man cave (and the caves for women too)! We all ‘close down’ not because we are unfeeling, but because of how much we are feeling!!! Our sensitivity is our strength and it has always been sold to us as a weakness. Men cut the feelings out and women transform them into emotions. Our absolute strength is feeling, we just have to accept it!!!
Love that Rachel “Our absolute strength is feeling, we just have to accept it!!!” I certainly fight it, but would really like to let go of that fight and accept!
I agree men and women have their own caves and ways of hiding what they feel.
Beautiful Rachel, very well said. I agree with what you’ve shared. In the past when I was feeling into what was happening around me it was too painful. So I would tell myself to snap out of it with distractions because I didn’t want to accept what I was feeling. Also because I had expectations and I was disappointed. Now I am learning to connect to my feelings and not to shut them down, like you said it is one of our strengths and it is awesome to allow myself to feel into everything that is presented to me instead of hiding. Learning to find words to express my feelings is also very empowering, just letting it out and not holding back.
Thank you for providing me with an “aha” moment Rachel – “Men cut the feelings out and women transform them into emotions.”. It brings more understanding to the behaviour of others and takes the personal out of it. Your entire comment is very insightful. Allowing ourselves to feel whatever’s to be felt is the key.
Brilliant Rachel. “Our sensitivity is our strength and it has always been sold to us as a weakness.” I am only just becoming aware of how deeply sensitive I am and how gorgeous this is to feel. We can really fight against our natural way of being instead of embracing and accepting ourselves in full. Sounds so silly but it is so true.
I enjoy reading your article, Joel, as I know these behaviors very well. I am in training to get more awareness to what extent I hide in a cave because there is so much to feel and it is almost too much or too uncomfortable. This is a support to explore who I truly am and to express from this place.
I can most definitely relate to that uncomfortable feeling you’ve described Kerstin. I am also in training, I love that and slowly coming out of my shell to express more of who I am.
Joel, that just gave me a deeper look at what a man cave is used for. Now I see it like that it makes so much more sense as to why men like them. It seems there are a lot of socially acceptable cave’s we tend to use. Yes the world would look a lot different once the lights start to shine in the cave.
After growing up feeling the tenderness and sensitivity but holding back from truly expressing how I felt ( as only women were supposed to express with sensitivity and tenderness), the challenge for me now is to allow the natural expression of such feelings, and when I do, I feel an expansion in my body and my ability to express.
Thank you Joel, It was really lovely to read your blog, it gave me a much needed and better understanding of the men I know.
What it means to be a man has become so much more a prison than a cave. And, I am sorry to say, so many women complain but actually kind of like that man cave. It is so easy to drive him in there with guilt and blame etc and that classic, denying that what he feels is true.
Well I for one, cheer this emergence from the man cave/prison, and cherish the lesson to not react to the reaction. This woman henceforth feels brave enough to take another step beyond the limits of her “woman cave”.
Wow! Thank you Rachel, I agree, life used to be like prison with all the modern extras that one would find in Fred Flintstones home, you know that cartoon identity who lived in the stone age. To live in tenderness and thus feel the true Livingness as a Son of God, this is a commitment from me to step out of the Stone-Age, and take responsibility to live to the best of my ability, the love that is the natural tender me.
Poor Fred…I remember him well – trapped in a demanding job with a difficult boss, trying to keep up with the prehistoric “Joneses”. Tenderness was not even on his or Barney’s horizon. Yeah, I know it was only a cartoon, but what a representation so many of those cartoons are of human life. They are are not too far off the mark of society, but the problem is that they keep it going for the next generation.
Time to put down the clubs, leave the hard man and let out the tenderness – the way some ancient men actually lived.
We can live the tenderness and make it our norm. The moment I live this norm makes it the new norm for all men. That’s how I conceive it.
This is such a tender comment, with deep wisdom… I melted reading it, thank you felixschumacher8.
Hear hear felixschumacher8. Tenderness is the new ‘tough’. The best bit about it is that you don’t have to work hard to acquire it. It is already on offer within, needing only your permission to be expressed once again.
‘I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong …. and sometimes it is.’ I often need reminding of this, thank you Joel.
I second that Fiona, when this isn’t in my awareness I tend to retreat back to my own cave.
I feel it is not about being right or wrong it is just about expressing what you are feeling and not expecting an outcome in your favour.
Yes spot on Anna not expecting an outcome in your favour opens up for endless options.
Working with some male teenagers, the discussion of verbal abuse has come up and we have been working with the concept of “there is no excuse for abuse”. I have also worked with the chat back that come with verbal abuse highlighting that it is not acceptable to say “I’m sorry but…… ” that’s like saying “I’m sorry i abused you but it was your fault” which means “I’m sorry but it’s not my responsibility” Breaking down verbally abusive behaviour and supporting them to replace it with an appropriate behaviour has taken less than a week to see some changes.
Such a powerful blog, thank you for sharing Joel
Absolutely Simon – come out of that man cave and express your gorgeous tender self! The more men who give themselves permission to express truly how they are feeling the more this is grounded for all other men to tap into. Men being tender is one of the most exquisite expressions in the world.
“Men being tender is one of the most exquisite expressions in the world”, beautifully expressed Jo. You only have to look at a young boy to realise that men are born with an innate tenderness and in essence are the same as women, it is a shame that they ‘toughen up’ due to the dictates of society, so the more men who realise it is safe to come out of their ‘man cave’ the better it will be for all men (and women 🙂 ) everywhere.
Yes absolutely Jo, feeling men in their tenderness is absolutely divine.
Yes Jo – they are the sweetest and we melt!
Joel I love the wisdom you share in this blog, this line stood out for me –
” I am learning that the less time I spend getting my portfolio of achievements together and the more time I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become.”
Loved your sharing Joel. I now have more understanding of the man cave. Thank you.
Joel, I loved this blog and your sense of humour behind your writing. I especially noted your words ‘I am learning that the less time I spend getting my portfolio of achievements together and the more time I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become.’. This is a learning curve I really relate to. The more I catch myself when recognition, identification and seeking acceptance are the driving force, the more ‘relatable’ I become, as does my enjoyment of my interactions with others increase.
Thank you, Joel. Your offering is a great help for me to understand about men and the cave, and the tenderness of men underneath waiting to be accepted, so that I don’t have to go into reactions, adding another layer of hurts.
Thank you, beautiful Joel. I love the part about the unfeeling versus feeling so much. Allowing oneself to feel all that one feels is quite a bit to handle at first I have found and it takes a bit of practice, but it is well worth the journey.
Glad you popped your head out of the cave Joel and maybe by now some legs and arms too! I am also learning to deeply honour what I feel and express that. Re-empowering myself to express and act on what I feel is true, is very lovely to do as I start to feel so much more confident with myself and look less outward for what I should do or say.
A great insight into how much men (and women) withdraw because of being hurt. Wow if we would only simply acknowledge the hurt, but choose to respond from the tenderness that lies within, what a very different world we would have right now.
As far fetched as this subject may seem to some men i.e. considering that men can be tender, it was also a foreign concept for me as a women – I never even considered that men could be as, if not more so tender and gentle as a woman. I was brought up to believe that men don’t cry and have to be strong and that if they did it was a sign of weakness. I have since met many gentle and tender men and am now seeing the same sensitivity within my male work colleagues – it’s always there if we care to look.
I can deeply relate to your sharing – it truly is on me to handle the tension if I get reactions for who I am or what I’m saying. And that the tension doesn’t always mean that I did make a mistake. That in more occasions than I thought, it is just me hitting a point in expressing truth by what I feel or sense. It is a learning!
Well said Joel. I love your simple honesty. I too am realizing that I can be me with others and allow others the space to be where they are. Not to take it personally.
l love your exploration into the man cave and ‘Tenderness’ for a man. lnitiating increased discussion around this brings more openness and Understanding. It reduces the chances that not knowing the Man cave means ‘creating’ definitions of what it is that are not true. You have dispelled many myths. Thank Joel
HIlarious Tony. Cave men in their man cave will one day be an extinct species.
The world will be a very different place when the men in their man caves are extinct
Joel thank you so much for explaining so joyfully and simply what a mans cave is for. And I love your last question. For me it would be first a shock because this would expose that I am not living me as a woman in full, but then this would be wunderbar exactly for that. A tender man is “wall melting and wall breaking.”
I really loved the part Joel, “I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is.” For myself and I’m sure many men, we feel everything, but often can’t put on our finger on what we’re feeling. This is especially frustrating when we’ve caused someone to react and not known why – and generally in life, we’re not told directly why when we do.
Isn’t it crazy? … All these beautiful tender loving men walking around the planet keeping their natural qualities packed away in their cave and pretending to be something they are not, even with each other!
Joel I know men can be tender but often what we demand of them suppresses this quality. So for men to “desire for tenderness to be their benchmark for life” is awesome and a joyful commitment to life.
“I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling….. [and] not having practised expressing these feelings”. That sentence encapsulates years of unexpressed feelings for me, and in fact a whole way of living that has not served me well. This blog is as simple as it is profound and touches me very deeply with its wisdom once again. Thank you Joel.
Thank you Joel and Simon, the presentations of Serge Benhayon have inspired many to burst that bubble and made the cave man prototype a thing of the past. To actually allow the tenderness to be divinely lived is truly ‘a bench mark’.
Hi Joel – I am absolutely with you, and although I may not be emerging from my ‘man cave’, I’m learning very similar lessons to you. What you said about, ‘learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is’, really hit home.. Knowing if the reaction comes from you or the other person is sometimes tricky, and for me I’m working on increasing my confidence and consistency with speaking truth at all times so that in the future, I have less doubt and can claim that it is not what I say that results in the reaction, rather the reflection I am offering others that sometimes they may not enjoy.
Joel I love reading your blogs. Your humour, tenderness and sensitivity is so warming and engaging. This is so connecting to others.
Thank you Joel for taking that step outside of your man cave and sharing your truth and that of other men with us. From this other men will feel your reflection and start to make it the norm not the exception.
Hi Joel thank you for your sharing, a world of tender men wanting to come out of their caves all wanting the other to be tender first , thank God Serge Benhayon put an end to the stand off and showed the way.
Thanks Joel and a beautiful insight to your real life that you are starting to live. I loved this sentence – “I am learning that the less time I spend getting my portfolio of achievements together and the more time I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become.” Such a honest sharing and such a big way many live their lives. It would be amazing if each man started to connect to and live with the Tenderness that they are…
This is something I have recently learned myself: that if someone has a reaction to what I say, it doesn’t always mean I’ve said something wrong, and sometimes it does. The thing is, if they react it’s usually followed by a big reaction from me, which shows up the investment I had in what ever I just said being taken in a certain way – very exposing, and something I’m working on.
What world it would be Joel .. yes. A beautiful world for both men and women for after all I am dare to posit that is what we all want.
I love the lightness and fun that you bring through expressing so clearly how you and men desire and love to experience tenderness. This is a beautiful quality of men that melts me and inspires me when lived. I too can absolutely relate to closing down from feeling too much but coming across that you don’t feel, because you are not confident in how you would express those feelings. Although for different reasons there is a strong similarity – an understanding that I now have gained through your blog. Thank you Joel.
Thank you Joel for your sharing and for taking the steps to pop your head out and allow yourself to become real.
Very beautiful Joel, I now have a much greater understanding of the ‘man cave’ and why someone would go there. Thank you.
Joel, thank you I love your expression, each time I read a blog of yours I gain more and more understanding of how life is for men. This is greatly supporting me in my marriage as well as in communication with all men. Really you are just like us women. Full of love and tenderness, relearning how to let this be in our bodies and our lives.
Such clarity in your writing Mr. Levin, you have the knack for artfully expressing what most are very much experiencing or have experienced. I still am working with the not reacting to some ones reaction to what I say and/or closing down – there is certainly a difference.
Joel, The day when all men pop their heads out of their man cave and decide that it is not as scary outside as they thought, all women will rejoice! The day that all men decide to forgo their man caves and live in the outside permanently, the Heavens will rejoice!
Absolutely Anne, well said.
Joel this is great sharing for All: “my tendency to ‘close down’
was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling.” I’ve never heard it said that way. It puts any potential situation in a new light for understanding what is going on for men (and women).
Thank you Joel, for bringing new insight to the meaning of ‘Man Cave’ as a place a man may retreat to when what he is feeling is too much. It removes all the ‘storytelling’ of the past, by those of us women who have struggled to understand it. A man sharing his tenderness is a Beautiful thing – to be on the receiving end of this tenderness is nothing short of ‘Glorious’. The man that steps out of the man cave is paving the way for our young tender and senitive boys, giving them the opportunity to choose to stay connected to this part of themselves and live in a more loving and nurturing way
Joel, so glad you are willing to come out of your man cave and tell this story so that others may be inspired to do the same. As you say ‘What a world it would be once this becomes the norm, rather than the exception.’
Thank you Joel for reminding us of the natural tenderness and sensitivity that all men are.
It is great to be reminded how naturally tender and sensitive men are.
Yes it is Amita and how we all – men and women equally, are so innately tender, sensitive and loving.
“I am learning the difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down… turns out there’s a difference.” I love the humour in this and I love the simplicity in which you share with us all that there is always something to learn from whatever situation we find ourselves in, if we are willing to.
I love that too and so true Eva, there is always something to learn in every situation.
Joel, I love this, how you’re exploring what it is to honour what you feel and not retreat, and that reacting and closing off are different, and how much you actually feel. There’s a crucial difference and as I read this, I realised that as a woman I do the same, feel the reaction and shut down, rather than just feeling and seeing what it might be about. I love when men truly express in the way you have, it’s such a breath of fresh air. We need to hear more of that feeling and the expression of tenderness from men, so here here for being out there doing it and learning and inspiring others, women included as you go. Thank you.
Joel I love how you have said ‘I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is.’ This observation alone allows me to stop and feel the truth of what has been said and if it is not truth, then there is an opportunity for me to feel a little deeper into my expression.
Joel thank you for your sharing. It is beautiful to read a male express with such tenderness.
Thank you Joel for this beauty-full blog in which I felt the tenderness and the sensitivity of you as as you expressed. I really appreciate what you have written as I have always felt that about my long time mate (50 years plus) but not really knowing how to ‘be’/
‘behave’ to invite him to allow this to come forth and flourish. If only I could turn back the clock with this awareness I may not have reacted and wallowed in hurt feelings etc. so often back then however I am joyfully still learning – even now.
I agree Joel, there are many, many men who are now part of Universal Medicine, and all growing in their tenderness and becoming more accepting of their sensitivity, how a man could really be. And, as a woman I appreciate that.
“Finally, I am learning that other guys feel similar things and have the similar desire for tenderness to be their benchmark for life. What a world it would be once this becomes the norm, rather than the exception”
Yes, then the world would truly change, men and women living in harmony, as it should be, thank you Joel.
I love the fact that men I know are coming out of the ‘man cave’, sometimes I react to the tenderness coming my way because I am not used to it and it actually reflects back to me the lack of tenderness that I live in.
I agree Sally, I have been there too, having my lack of tenderness reflected back to me by a very loving, tender man, ouch. But once realised, what a gift.
So true sallyscott888, sometimes when a man presents tenderness to me, it calls me to a deeper level of tenderness and connection within me and with them, and that uncovers a deep level of protection of underlying hurts. So it’s challenging and wonderful all at the same time.
Ah – an understanding of the man cave, thank you!
For most of my life there was this pattern of going out and coming back in, based on a lack of self-worth. I never really liked me that much. That was the cave for me.
A difficult one to leave behind but lately I had been popping my head out of the cave as well. There is a beautiful world out there. There is a beautiful world inside me too.
The other day a guy told me that “men are looking for connection too, you know. It’s not just women”. It made me wonder if when you pop out of the cave and are met with love and connection does that help you stay out a little longer? Is that then a role those of us, both men and women, who are out of our cubbies can play in helping others to leave their ‘caves’ and shine unapologetically?
Wow how awesome. That was great to read.
It is so lovely to hear a man speak about his tenderness and sensitivity where he knows these are just natural qualities within all men.
True Elizabeth, you only have to look at a young boy to see their innate gentleness and sensitivity and how affectionate and caring they can be….
I so enjoyed reading your article Joel – Many of my male family members go into their “man cave ” and I can feel their frustration as to not getting their true feelings out in the open or getting flustered because they felt that they said too much in an awkward sort of way. I used to fill in the words for them sometimes, how infuriating that must of been, I now realise how important it is to really listen and give my full attention with eye contact.
Great to hear that other men too are feeling similar because sometimes I still get lost in seeing that bravado matey ness that men can go into and not see that true tenderness they’re crying out to express
Great, letting go of bravado and learning to be real and then everyone else can be real also. This is so true its like we are playing our parts and when someone removes their mask it is such a relief to everyone around us. Here’s to pealing back the masks.
The retreat has always been that ‘safety net’ but I have been feeling lately how there is no true safety in it – it is a lonely place where there is not much life – the tumbleweeds blow through and the sky is always grey – yet like all men we make it work for us. Coming out of the cave the lights are on and this can feel a little bit like a spotlight – yet it is on reflection the light in us shining out that we are not so comfortable with. Slowly and tentatively at first we step out and start to be the truth of who we are, tender, gentle men.
I recently spoke with a construction worker who had overstepped the bounds of being verbally abusive to others in the work place. In a nutshell, he was responding/retaliating from all the years of having been called names by others, and whilst he expressed that this did not bother him, the hurt he was feeling and carrying with him was tangible.
When offered that this hurt he bottles up is not ok and that next time he might call out abuse from another that he does not in turn re-direct this on others himself, the realisation and ‘relief’ was equally tangible.
What is a very old tradition of verbal abuse in the construction work place may be addressed by one man at a time saying – stop it, it hurts.
Greg, too beautiful for words. Yes this very real, some would term right of passage abuse, does hurt and how powerful to offer one the way to address the hurt.
Thats such an awesome example to this amazing sharing from Joel.It is about learning that one person at any time can say stop to the abuse and not feed the cycle of abuse anymore. It sounds very simple, but if you are caught up in this cycle of abuse it is like an automatized behavior and very difficult to stop and not hit back, its like you are drawn to it and blind to see another way. The hurt is so much fed by the right and wrong and by this feeling of having to balance the injustice by giving back the same amount of abuse as received. The cave is a very sticky one, but with consistent support and lots of appreciation they embrace that they are agents of change.
Beautiful Greg, and it can be as simple as that.