A Note from the Man Cave

by Joel L, Western Australia

In spite of the focus recently given to the number of women who are students of Universal Medicine, there are also men. As one of those, I felt to explore some recent discoveries about expressing as a man.

Warning:  this might be a bit like someone is explaining the landscape in a foreign land that they have not yet seen for themselves. The words may be familiar, but it is hard to grasp just how beautiful it is.

As I have mentioned in previous articles, the most profound shift in my expression as a man has been the recognition that there has always been a desire to recognise the sensitivity and tenderness that lives (not too deeply) behind all the bravado, drinking and standard mateship rituals.

I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling. Feeling so much, but not having practised expressing these feelings, meant that the words usually came out in a clumsy or generally unproductive way.

The battle to try to explain what I meant/felt reinforced my view that life in the ‘man cave’ is not so bad (certainly easier). If my communication caused a reaction in another person, it was easier to blame myself and go back into the man cave rather than honour the fact that what I was feeling might be true. As such, the man cave was a safe haven and an easy retreat.

More recently, I have been popping my head out of the cave. I am finding a whole world of feelings that I have never really had to put into words.

I am learning the difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down… turns out there’s a difference. I am learning that someone reacting to what I say is not always a sign I said something wrong… and that sometimes it is. I am learning that the less time I spend getting my portfolio of achievements together and the more time I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become.

Finally, I am learning that other guys feel similar things and have the similar desire for tenderness to be their benchmark for life. What a world it would be once this becomes the norm, rather than the exception.

395 thoughts on “A Note from the Man Cave

  1. I can relate to this very much. When a man resists his own sensitivity and tenderness it often comes out as a complain and attack even on anothers/women for their expression in feeling, but as women this can feel shocking and unloving and yet if we are to truly support each other, we have to read the situation as it is and be super holding and understanding of ourselves first, this tenderness will then begin to ripple.

  2. Here here Joel! How magic it will be when this becomes the norm and not the exception indeed. It is so wonderful to have a conversation with a man who is simply being themselves and not trying to be something they are not. Sensitivity is not a dirty word, yet there is a silent rule that men are not to be sensitive. But how crazy is that when it’s what everybody collectively actually wants??!!

  3. I love how you describe your ‘man cave’. Not a physical place that you have gone to, which is often what we think. But it is where you have gone to hide from who you are, the beautiful and tender you. However in connecting to this there is a realisation that there is no need to hide from this and in fact it will support other men to realise the same thing.

  4. Thank you Joel for sharing what it means to be in the man cave,
    “I am coming to realise that my tendency to ‘close down’ (create a Man cave) was not because I was unfeeling but because of how much I was feeling. ” it is interesting that when a man withdraws or shuts down we can think he is hard and uncaring when in fact he is very sensitive and feeling so very much if we as women realised this we would give space at this time and relate in a much more loving way.

  5. “I am learning the difference between not reacting to someone’s reaction to what I say, and to closing down… turns out there’s a difference.” That is for me really a good thing to find out this difference as it made life much more easier and less dramatic and painful.

  6. As men we have found so much comfort wearing the many hats of what is expected of us from the world, totally distracting us from getting to know our true nature of tenderness, as it is only through our acceptance of it that we can connect to the immense love of God.

  7. How often have we found ourselves in situations where we want to express something that we feel and yet the words just don’t come or we say something completely different to what we had intended. Being tender with ourselves can actually support our ability to express as we become more open and honest and willing to share ourselves with another.

  8. Gorgeous Joel, if we all come out of our caves and corners with the insights you share here, we will be all the brighter and lighter.

  9. ” Finally, I am learning that other guys feel similar things and have the similar desire for tenderness to be their benchmark for life. ” As a man I can say this is true, as for me growing up, the only true way to express my tenderness was when caring for the animals on the farm. People were not able to accept my full tenderness, it was too hurtful for them, as it brought up undealt with issues for them.

    1. I see this a lot in young boys that I meet. There is all that bravado but then you’ll catch moments where they feel safe enough to express this tenderness, usually when they don’t think people are taking any notice of them. It’s such a shame. Knowing you as a beautifully tender man brings this home as I can feel what a loss that many men are this tender too but think it’s not acceptable. If we don’t accept ourselves for who we truly are it’s no wonder we have all the various horrible behaviours that go on between us.

  10. The true ‘man cave’ we live in is not made out of mortar and bricks but reactions, judgements and dismissiveness. To truly step out of this as you show Joel, means embracing our tenderness, understanding and sweetness every day.

  11. I spent many a year in the man cave and whenever I poked my head out and tried to express my head would get stamped on, so I learned that expressing didn’t work and only caused a reaction in others which led to a reaction in me, so silence become the preferred option. What a waste of a life but thankfully I have learned to break this patterns that in-truth not only harms myself but everyone else but robbing the world of my expression. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom, which have helped me to turn my life around in so many amazing ways.

  12. ‘I allow myself to be ‘real’, the more real life and other people become.’ I can so relate to this and often find myself wondering where was I when life seemed dull.

  13. I agree Joel – the normal we are expected to mold ourselves to does not support us to live who we really are. In fact, it misguides us to think we are not enough in simply being ourselves, and even worse that being who we are is deemed ‘odd’. To live our true potential is to live from our tenderness as this is what our true normal is. And the more we openly talk with each other about this the more we realise that we are not so different, and how natural it feels.

  14. This is beautiful to observe in men, as when you look closely I see a tenderness in all men’s heart. Just they may have closed themselves off from feeling and living that, but when we allow each other to be, simply be, we are so tender and all the bravado will have no place to go.

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