by Sandra Williamson, Brisbane
For as long as I can remember, my life has been run by what I only now understand as my version of a ‘black hole’.
Just the other day I finally put together what this black hole has truly been like to live with. It is a place of busyness – so busy it leads to overwhelm and exhaustion. This is to avoid feeling what I believed was the alternative –a very dark place of isolation where I feel all alone.
The things that tip me into that hole and consequent busyness are: not feeling included, and not feeling enough. The ‘not enough’ feeling comes from trying to prove myself so I will be included. Being busy sets up a chain reaction of overwhelm and exhaustion, which supports another level of, you guessed it… staying busy. The busy has been all about not wanting to feel any pain within myself and in the people around me. So to avoid these feelings, exhaustion became my escape.
I reflected what a good day was, and for me it was a day where I didn’t feel left out, where I felt like ‘I am enough’, I didn’t get into overwhelm from all the things I felt I needed to do… and at the end of the day, I wasn’t exhausted.
I am very pleased to say that since participating in Universal Medicine workshops:
- the overwhelm of life is now reducing to rare moments,
- the being-left-out-feeling is exposing itself in its truer light, enabling me to feel and see beyond the surface of the trigger,
- the not-being-enough I’m now sure goes hand in hand with feeling left out,
- I start each day with much more awareness of what and how much I plan to do in a day,
- sometimes I even give myself time off for me and whatever I want to do in that time,
- the great part is that the exhaustion is lifting and at the end of the day I have some of me left to go to sleep with.
This is a wonderful feeling because I get to wake up feeling more of me, and do the things in my day with more of me.
So when the challenges of being-left-out and not-being-enough pop up, I can now ‘see the game’ for what it is and choose not to play. As a result there are less black hole opportunities, less busy-ness, less overwhelm, less exhaustion – and there is more me.
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
Make a choice not to be dragged into the game, ‘ when the challenges of being-left-out and not-being-enough pop up, I can now ‘see the game’ for what it is and choose not to play.’
Being a student of Universal Medicine is to know that you are never alone.
I was talking on the phone recently to a colleague who works in another office when it struck me how fast they were speaking. There was no time for an intake or out take of breath, oddly enough they were salivating over their words literally spitting them out like a machine gun. They were so stressed and were not at all aware of how they were speaking. It was obvious to me that this was a normal way of conversing. How is it we have got ourselves into such a state of over activity that busyness doesn’t even describe our days any more. Another colleague mentioned they were so busy they had not had time to have a break or drink water! Seriously what are we doing to ourselves when we forget to hydrate, that surely is a recipe for disaster? We have put the emphasis on doing rather than being, I know, as I have done this for years. But there is a difference in the being, where you can actually get far more accomplished and time seems to expand. Whereas in the doing, there never seemed to be enough time in the day.
Dark hole equals to lack of presence. The more we are, the less investment in what we do.
Thank you a Sandra for all you have shared here. I have recently realised how I use busyness to avoid what I am feeling, which of course then leads to exhaustion and a deeper level of checking out from my sensitivity and awareness. We are a society that focuses on what we think and not what we feel, yet we are feeling enormous amounts throughout our day which we may not feel confident to deal with. I’m learning to be present with what I am feeling and support myself.
Many people are super busy, I wonder how much of this busyness is to avoid what they are feeling.
Not feeling included – for me this comes after my not wanting to be part of something, a feeble attempt to justify my choice to separate.
‘So when the challenges of being-left-out and not-being-enough pop up, I can now ‘see the game’ for what it is and choose not to play.’ To see this clearly for what it is, is truly liberating.
When I feel I am enough I listen and give to myself what is needed otherwise the picture, investment or belief continues to run and be dominant within my body. We are so much more than what society imposes upon us.
For-filling life is to shine as much light as possible into all the dark holes. So we can reflect that Light where every we go.
Returning ourselves to ourselves begins with the relationship we have with ourselves. Is it based on love and true care or is it about getting through the day?
When we run ourselves into the ground, we get stuck in the cycle of feeling less. As a result we can’t possibly see the more that we are.
Jennifer, when we get stuck in the cycle of feeling less this is when we need someone to remind us that we are more than just flesh and blood living an existence. Thankfully there are many that can reflect this to the world and it is such a relief to know that the balance of the world is changing so that these feelings of being less than will be replaced with the grandness that we are if we are left alone and not interfered with by society and its expectations.
Is this why the world is so busy, ‘ It is a place of busyness – so busy it leads to overwhelm and exhaustion. This is to avoid feeling what I believed was the alternative –a very dark place of isolation where I feel all alone.’
We are very good at finding a myriad of things to occupy us to avoid feeling the emptiness within, but eventually nothing can touch the void other than learning to truly love who we are. And by opening ourselves up to let others in as well, we eventually find that we are love filled and the void disappears.
Through the presentations of Universal Medicine, I have found that the more awareness I have about my body, and how it feels is a greater guide than my mind. The body knows what choices to make and from there supporting the body is key as it naturally supports us back.
From feeling alone and not good enough to living aware and with a true sense of who you are. That’s something to celebrate Sandra. The power and simplicity in how you described what you lived since participating in Universal Medicine workshops touches my heart. It makes me realize that we always have a choice, living isolated in the black hole OR opening up to the infinite space of love inside us.
We do have a choice, even though at times it can appear that we are trapped in a cycle of busyness to avoid feeling, ‘The things that tip me into that hole and consequent busyness are: not feeling included, and not feeling enough. The ‘not enough’ feeling comes from trying to prove myself so I will be included.’
Universal Medicine brings an opportunity to strengthen our awareness around these topics, the presentations and workshops are there to talk about and address things which are swept under the rug in other events or in our society in general. As one becomes more aware, they have a choice – change what they are becoming aware of or react and dig themselves into a deeper hole. Many are writing about their experiences simply because these issues are to be raised and discussed, and although we can all relate to a feeling of emptiness, a feeling of “there must be more to life than this”, not many of us are willing to go there and admit it. And while that’s the case, the majority will find every opportunity to bring down the common sense that is presented through the simple science of energy.
So True Viktoria, we have to start to be honest so we expose the lies we have been living.
Ah interesting, we go into business to avoid feeling the pain of “not being good enough” – a label we put on ourselves and hold tight to. It is so ingrained in our behaviour because as we move in alignment with that energy it gets deeper into our system, from our muscles into our bones. I see it in my every day, when my colleagues go into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, the insecurity in me can rise up and i can begin to question whether they’re talking about me, should I go into the kitchen and pretend like I am doing something to make sure I am part of it also. Or, when I am focused on what I am doing and feeling content, I don’t even notice it happen, or if I do I don’t feel threatened or not included in what’s going on.
Having experienced the ‘black hole’ of depression I also remember it coming on when I was doing too much and feeling overwhelmed when I was studying, looking after two children and going to work. The exhaustion would hit me like a rock and all the strength would go out of my body. It makes sense to me that exhaustion is contributing to depression.
“I can now ‘see the game’ for what it is and choose not to play.” I am working on that one, the choosing not to play. Thank you for the reminder that it is a choice.
So interesting how we can drive ourselves into these black holes, thinking that we are doing well because we are doing so much, whereas in fact it has the complete opposite effect. There is so much wisdom, support and true healing available to us when we choose to look behind this drive, and start to understand the real reasons for why we live the way we do.
When we live a life that is full of true love as a result of opening ourselves up and connecting to the potential of who we are, the spaces in between our particles start to expand and push out anything that is not a part of who we truly are, and leaves no room for black holes.
I can so relate to what has tipped you into your version of a black hole – “not feeling included, and not feeling enough” and the awful consequences of taking those beliefs on, especially when I was young. I can remember living most of my life believing I didn’t belong, anywhere, and subsequently would resort to many different manipulative ways to do so, some with disastrous, and usually very exhausting consequences. I am delighted that I have finally figured out that I do belong and that I am more than enough and with this realisation there are two beliefs less to fuel any exhaustion.
‘Being busy sets up a chain reaction of overwhelm and exhaustion, which supports another level of, you guessed it… staying busy’. Wise words here and I have to ask, are many of us in today’s world addicted to being busy?
‘sometimes I even give myself time off for me and whatever I want to do in that time,’ How hard can we be for ourselves when we play this game of busy-ness.
And how exhausting and draining is that. Not worth it.
“So when the challenges of being-left-out and not-being-enough pop up, I can now ‘see the game’ for what it is and choose not to play.” This is awesome for when we let ourselves shrink in reaction to these beliefs we hold back so much of what we are here to bring and grace the world with.
Living with exhaustion and overwhelm is a sure way of avoiding living who we truly are. Once we are on this treadmill it can feel extremely difficult to get off. Through support and inspiration, we are more likely to stop this momentum and make loving choices. To be aware of what is causing our exhaustion and be honest about why we choose to live this way is a huge support.
Any judgements we put upon ourselves diminish us and have us closer to that black hole. Appreciation of ourselves and living more of ourselves diminish the black hole.
The thoughts to undermine us are continually being fed to us. We only buy into them because we think we are individual and therefore have identified with anything to do with the ‘I’. We are easy bait then because instead of knowing we are a part of the whole we become invested in the ‘I’ and our only real interest is the security and recognition of the individual ‘I’. This is exhausting for at no time can we simply allow ourselves to be as we are, purely acting on the impulses of the inner heart – that space within that is obedient to returning to the harmony of the whole.
Living in a black hole doesn’t mean we physically are void from life, however our beauty, joy, vitality and sparkle are not present. That’s who we truly are, a bright and sparkly being inside the body and not just human.
The one line that stood out for me in this read was “the great part is that the exhaustion is lifting and at the end of the day I have some of me left to go to sleep with”, which sounds wonderful, getting to sleep feeling more (of) me is my new goal, thanks for the inspiration.
It’s very easy to hide under a facade of busyness, but what happens and who are we at the end of the busy period? Or when our bodies get so exhausted that they can’t cope and can’t function properly, let alone have enough energy to be busy? I am learning every day how true vitality comes from knowing who we truly are, being really honest about where we are at, and completely taking care of and looking after ourselves in every way. With that, there is no need for busyness: hard work and long hours, but in a steady and consistent way, not lost in the franticness of our own creation.
That Sounds Great. To have a day just for what you like.
To celebrate myself.
It is really interesting that here you describe that the black hole to you was busyness ‘Just the other day I finally put together what this black hole has truly been like to live with. It is a place of busyness – so busy it leads to overwhelm and exhaustion. This is to avoid feeling what I believed was the alternative –a very dark place of isolation where I feel all alone’ as I would say currently in society we associate a black hole feeling when a person is withdrawn from life not busy! But this is something I have been aware of in the last week or so. I have seen how the ‘busyness’ or drive has kept me away from the connection and stillness of who I truly am and been under the illusion that if I am ‘busy’ then I am doing something. But what am I ‘doing’ if when I am doing it I am not truly connected to me? A timely blog to read.
I am becoming more and more aware how much support there is for us when we connect to our essence, then there is no need to prove ourselves because we know we are more than enough. It is only when I disconnect, the idea or the playcard ‘ I am not enough’ comes out and I have to fulfill something in the outer world and thus start wanting to prove myself.
‘So when the challenges of being-left-out and not-being-enough pop up, I can now ‘see the game’ for what it is and choose not to play.’ This is quite a turn around, for how many of us are really willing to see the game that it is?
We can only fall into a black hole when we turn away from the light.
When connecting with the fact that there are lots of things to be done I’ve noticed in myself that I can go into a push or drive to ‘get it done’ but with a busy-ness that actually slows me down and makes me feel depleted as I’m thinking about too many things at once rather than being present in my body with what I’m doing. And when I let go of that kind of drive the quality in how I do things changes, so there’s purpose there in the presence and things get done in a way that feels harmonious all round.
God is always there, but sometimes we are not and then we can feel left out. The only way we can feel left out is when we disconnect from our essence and leave ourselves and even then our essence always remains intact, it is only our connection we are missing and yes that is exhausting!
We feel left out and we feel locked out and thus we spend an eternity waiting for someone to ‘let us back in’, all the while ignoring the keys that lay in our hand.
Yes all just one breath away…
Being busy we can feel we are accomplishing so much yet it can be a distraction from those things we really should be doing because they seem unpleasant or too difficult to do. However, they do not go away and the longer they are left the more difficult it becomes to address them.
Reading this blog and comments again reminds me that it is my own choice to live in such a way ie ‘keeping busy’ so that I become so exhausted that I do not have to feel what is going on around me.
Is it a black hole, or is it simply the attempt to reduce life to a point around which we find it comfortable to spin around going nowhere just to avoid connecting to the fact that we are doing this to avoid meeting us in our truth?
To not give up oneself involves being honest of where we are at and engaging in our own healing process. This article is such a wonderful example of such a healing process.
Exhaustion is very depleting yet most of the world population live with it and in many ways considers it normal. There is nothing normal about being exhausted as it reveals that how we are living is not working.
Yes, I agree with you Elizabeth, exhaustion has become normal in our society. We seem to have more inventions than ever before to make life less busy, for example, we have washing machines to wash our clothes, dishwashers to wash our dishes and you can now buy a robot vacuum cleaner to vacuum your floors. But exhaustion is still on the rise and we often feel we have no time to fit everything into our day. Not that long ago we would have had to do a lot of chores by hand which would have consumed a lot of our time, but now that we have these inventions we still feel time poor and exhausted. So, it is true Elizabeth, how we are living is definitely not working, even with the array of inventions exhaustion is at an all-time high.
You raise such an important point to consider Sandra, that we need energy to put ourselves to sleep in order to have that restorative sleep. Otherwise even though we can pass out in exhaustion at the end of the day and sleep long and hard, we can often wake up not feeling refreshed and restored.
It’s a great place to start – to catch when you do not feel enough. The fact that your aware of it means you are worth more and the opportunity to claim the more that is there to claim. .
How much we do to avoid feeling incompetent or similar feeling…. And by doing that, for example go into busyness, we cut ourselves off from all our feelings, so also from feeling amazing.
We can go into a black hole, deny the world, isolate ourselves, come off the grid, live on a deserted island and still nothing will be able to fill the void of the lack of love in our lives.
True Viktoria, we can try what ever we wan, but if it doesn’t come from the love we are or don’t want to acknowledge, we can build a body of love nothing will fulfill and we can keep on searching.