Humpty Dumpty can live Happily Ever After

For the longest time, relationships were a scary thing for me. I didn’t want to be alone… but found it hard to be with others. The slightest upheaval or dispute in a relationship and like Humpty Dumpty, my world would come crashing down… “all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men.” I felt that if something went wrong in a relationship, it meant it was the end of the relationship… “couldn’t put Humpty together again.”

Yet what I am seeing, feeling, and understanding about relationships today is something vastly different.

In the past relationships were a security blanket and a way of belonging – in fact a need to belong. My wife and I had even attended couples counselling workshops and sessions where we were told, and fully accepted, that we were each angels with only one wing and could only fly by holding each other. It was a model of co-dependence that meant for our relationship to grow, we had to keep having issues to deal with; we had to have a reason to hold on tightly to each other.

The very foundation of our relationship was based on a needed security, which meant that any proposed (or needed) change to that foundation would end up as a defensive battle. Each time one of us started to grow and develop in a different direction, we would claw the other back into an embrace that we thought was security; but in reality, it was suffocating.

At a Universal Medicine workshop many years ago, we were presented with a simple truth…  we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within. When we connect to that wholeness we can then choose to be in a relationship or not. This meant no longer needing to be with the other person but appreciating what they brought to our life so deeply that the choice to be in a relationship with them was a no-brainer. More importantly, we also brought an appreciation of what we offered, because we knew more about who we were!

It took a couple of years to really live this simple teaching, and there were some very uncomfortable moments between my wife and I, because she was living this reality earlier than I was. Having someone not need you anymore is both confronting and liberating. For me this was the end of the relationship. I was Humpty Dumpty laying shattered on the ground, until I realised that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.

Whilst we all have patterns of behaviour, these patterns or ways of relating CAN change but it doesn’t mean it is the end of the relationship. At times it feels like the pattern is all there is and we become fixated on fixing the other person. But if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well. It is the more that I want the relationship with, so that is what is offered.

So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person. The hard part can be that some people are more committed to that pattern of relating than they are to the relationship.

Indeed this happens sometimes – you can see the pattern being clung to like a life raft and the person preferring to float away than step onto dry land. It can hurt when this happens because it is no longer the existence crisis it once was. This Humpty Dumpy handles himself with more care now and has grown his own set of wings. Which means I no longer need ‘all the kings’ men’, because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.

Published with permission of my wife.

By Joel Levin

Further Reading:
Appreciation in relationships
Relationships – Around and Around We Go
It’s Never Too Late For Love

413 thoughts on “Humpty Dumpty can live Happily Ever After

  1. We may all be fragile and delicate but so is a puzzle with all its interlocking pieces and like us, we can never lose a single piece for we are all complete, we just occasionally think we fall into pieces.

  2. I like how you express the end of a behaviour is not the end of a relationship, and I agree many problems in relationships stem from the fact that we are not solid and firm in our relationships with ourselves first and foremost, it’s such a vital ingredient for us to be able to hold steady during periods of change and in the many lessons relationships provide us with.

  3. Eggs are funny things when we press from the sides they crack and break easily, but when you press from end to end the strength required to break them is astronomical. This is a lot like us when we tap into our Inner-Most nothing can crack us but when we loose our way we become very easily broken down!

  4. Yes just like when something goes wrong in our life it is not the end of our life, just the end of that kind of life we were living and so too it is with relationships. Even though it can be challenging I find these moments always bring the most growth.

  5. By and large, we have a primary relationship with our patterns, which we bring into every relationship and we call them us. We find comfort in a way or relating to others that is deeply familiar to us. And, yet, we are not truly in relationship with us.

    1. Yes, Eduardo, I agree and this is why the teachings of Universal Medicine are so important but not always popular – they help us to relinquish the hold of our old patterns and become our true selves again in full.

  6. “My relationship with me is so solid I no longer break when I fall”. Appreciating this constantly is key for me and the other aspect is permission to ‘fall’ so to speak because I also have wings and the landing will be supported if I’m loving and appreciating me and my humanness.

  7. ‘So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person’. If we are forever in a relationship with everyone then what you have shared is an incredible truth. We never stop being in relationship but the way we are in a relationship can stop and a new way of being can begin.  

  8. Gone is the ‘throwing all the toys out of the pram’ every time anything doesn’t go quite right… knowing the opportunity to learn and grow from challenges that come up, we get to deepen and enrich our relationships.

  9. Yes, Joel, I used to live in protection because it felt like if a relationship went wrong it would be the end of the world, and I wasn’t prepared to risk that. Universal Medicine is the best medicine of all, as it supports us to deal with our hurts and re-establish a steady sense of self that is not reliant on the outside world, but on the connection to our soulful essence.

  10. Changing a pattern of behaviour can sometimes feel like a death because we have so identified ourselves as the pattern, to let go of the pattern and realise we are much more than the pattern which is just a behaviour, as you say it can be confronting but also liberating.

  11. “So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person. The hard part can be that some people are more committed to that pattern of relating than they are to the relationship.” There is such wisdom in this sentence Joel, and it offers such a fresh and honest way of approaching any relationship. If we are willing to look at how we relate to each other, rather than putting all our expectations into any outcome, this could change the face of our relationships and with everyone we meet.

  12. Being dependent in a relationship (aka being an angel with only one wing that needs the other to fly) makes it impossible for a true relationship to unfold. When two whole beings come together to share life – that’s a whole other story.

  13. Joel, this is really lovely, actually wanting to be with other person and not being with them out of need and security or familiarity; ‘no longer needing to be with the other person but appreciating what they brought to our life so deeply that the choice to be in a relationship with them was a no-brainer’.

  14. I love what you share here Joel, that ‘ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.’ We shed our old patterns (like a butterfly shedding the case of its chrysalis) at our own rate, and sometimes that is different from the timing of our partner.As we develop at different stages, it can be confronting, but when we know we are not better or worse than our partner, we can support each other with the love we are as we change our way of relating to each other by holding each other in love. The relationship can only deepen with love.

  15. Something so fundamental like confirming to someone that THEY are enough, amazing, incredible regardless of whether or not they have a relationship can make a seismic shift in that person’s life. We don’t appreciate the power of simply expressing…

  16. Thank you Joel, when I zoom out of life and see the bigger picture – I wonder with all of me why on earth do I get upset? Why do I get uptight? When everything is just a small part of this magnificent play? Why do I get serious, when I can enjoy and smile and receive life’s latest lessons about being a guy? Yes we are sensitive, and feel things so intently, but there’s no need to focus on specks of dirt and pin pricks when you are a 24 carat diamond. It’s time we saw ourselves as the gems we are and stopped getting things scrambled.

  17. This is a simple truth that I would love every single one of my young clients to embrace – ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within’. I observe such desperate seeking of acceptance and approval by young people from their peers, especially online nowadays, that they seem to not even consider that everything they require to feel whole is already there inside them.

  18. A beautiful understanding of true relationships opposed to the arrangements based on security and need. What an amazing loving difference this makes and allows us so much growth, expansion and love with ourselves and each other, thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine bringing ground breaking honesty to us all, with absolute lived love and support.

  19. The more solid and settled we feel in ourselves, and the less we look outside for attention, the easier it is to walk steady through changes, issues or rocky patches in relationships, and be able to see a change in the way a relationship expresses or looks like does not mean an end to love.

  20. ‘We do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole’, This teaching by Serge Benhayon changed my life as I had always thought that I needed another to full fill me, whether that be a partner or best friend. I now realize that all I need is the whole me and then my relationships form from a very different foundation, not one of need, they constellate for a purpose.

  21. ‘ But if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well. It is the more that I want the relationship with, so that is what is offered.’ We are more than our patterns and we can break out of them at any time, especially when someone offers this so openly. There’s nothing stopping us from offering this to ourselves too.

  22. We can do both, keeping safe by being in a relationship or by being on our own. In both cases I am avoiding being in a true relationship with myself first, the rest is just the logical consequence. Hence it is about our commitment to deepen within ourselves, that naturally transforms the quality of being in relationship with others. While we are reacting to others, we have the perfect distraction from attending to ourselves with the love and understanding we are actually longing for.

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