For the longest time, relationships were a scary thing for me. I didn’t want to be alone… but found it hard to be with others. The slightest upheaval or dispute in a relationship and like Humpty Dumpty, my world would come crashing down… “all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men.” I felt that if something went wrong in a relationship, it meant it was the end of the relationship… “couldn’t put Humpty together again.”
Yet what I am seeing, feeling, and understanding about relationships today is something vastly different.
In the past relationships were a security blanket and a way of belonging – in fact a need to belong. My wife and I had even attended couples counselling workshops and sessions where we were told, and fully accepted, that we were each angels with only one wing and could only fly by holding each other. It was a model of co-dependence that meant for our relationship to grow, we had to keep having issues to deal with; we had to have a reason to hold on tightly to each other.
The very foundation of our relationship was based on a needed security, which meant that any proposed (or needed) change to that foundation would end up as a defensive battle. Each time one of us started to grow and develop in a different direction, we would claw the other back into an embrace that we thought was security; but in reality, it was suffocating.
At a Universal Medicine workshop many years ago, we were presented with a simple truth… we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within. When we connect to that wholeness we can then choose to be in a relationship or not. This meant no longer needing to be with the other person but appreciating what they brought to our life so deeply that the choice to be in a relationship with them was a no-brainer. More importantly, we also brought an appreciation of what we offered, because we knew more about who we were!
It took a couple of years to really live this simple teaching, and there were some very uncomfortable moments between my wife and I, because she was living this reality earlier than I was. Having someone not need you anymore is both confronting and liberating. For me this was the end of the relationship. I was Humpty Dumpty laying shattered on the ground, until I realised that ending a way of relating is different to ending a relationship.
Whilst we all have patterns of behaviour, these patterns or ways of relating CAN change but it doesn’t mean it is the end of the relationship. At times it feels like the pattern is all there is and we become fixated on fixing the other person. But if I am more than a pattern of behaviour then the person I am relating to is more than their patterns as well. It is the more that I want the relationship with, so that is what is offered.
So rather than threatening the end of the relationship, the change being offered is simply an end of THAT way of relating to this person. The hard part can be that some people are more committed to that pattern of relating than they are to the relationship.
Indeed this happens sometimes – you can see the pattern being clung to like a life raft and the person preferring to float away than step onto dry land. It can hurt when this happens because it is no longer the existence crisis it once was. This Humpty Dumpy handles himself with more care now and has grown his own set of wings. Which means I no longer need ‘all the kings’ men’, because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.
Published with permission of my wife.
By Joel Levin
Further Reading:
Appreciation in relationships
Relationships – Around and Around We Go
It’s Never Too Late For Love
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
The whole-ness that comes from our innate essences or inner-most, remains the most amazing aspect of us when we start to re-connect and understand the wisdom that has always been within and open to everyone equally.
Reading this article brings me to appreciate the potential that relationships has of grow and evolve together. I love what you shared about these moments in which it seems the relationship is broken but they are actually gold because offers us the opportunity to discard what no longer is working and to step up to a new level of Love.
How a relationships would sustains itself if there wouldn’t be these raw moments of Truth?
What you shared about connecting with the wholeness of who we are before start a new relationship feels very key Joel. Not many people in this world speaks about how important this is. Instead of that the ideal pictures of being in a relationship are everywhere, from Tv series, films, songs…taking us far away of what a true relationship is about, making us feel not good enough if we are single, sending us messages like you just can have love if you are with someone…
This article changes this whole created perception about relationships. It’s about taking responsibility for our choices. It’s about purpose and evolution. This makes sense. It feels the way to have a solid and honest relationship, starting with ourselves and others.
‘At a Universal Medicine workshop many years ago, we were presented with a simple truth… we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within. When we connect to that wholeness we can then choose to be in a relationship or not. This meant no longer needing to be with the other person but appreciating what they brought to our life so deeply that the choice to be in a relationship with them was a no-brainer. More importantly, we also brought an appreciation of what we offered, because we knew more about who we were!’
Joel what you have shared here is not something you would hear at a couples counseling, we are not taught the basics of life; how to be, so is it any wonder we end up becoming very needy and expecting another to fill the neediness within us which puts a huge strain on any relationship as it is so one sided to start with.
A person being needy in a relationship feels terrible, why would you then want to be in a relationship, ‘we do not need to be in a relationship to be or to feel whole, that this feeling comes from within.’
When we understand the magnificence of who we are, then live in the glorious Joy that is there for us to live, absolutely nothing can crack our ability to live that level of appreciation of our divinity.
“…because when my relationship with me is solid, I no longer break when I fall.” And this goes for all parts of our life, our work relationships, friendships and so on. I see it as us being a sphere with little holes in it and by developing a relationship with ourselves we are closing all the little holes that are in the sphere at the start. Then when something happens it can’t come in through the holes anymore and we can more clearly deal with a problem because it is only outside of our sphere and not in and through it.
I like the example of us healing ourselves and closing the entry points first, ‘by developing a relationship with ourselves we are closing all the little holes that are in the sphere at the start’
The more I appreciate who I am the more I’m at ease with others. I once crippled myself with a barrage of critique and with this yuckiness going on inside me, questioned why anyone would want to be with me. Let’s face it,I didn’t want to be with me.
But the other day I got to appreciate how there have been people in my life I’ve just wanted to be around. (They didn’t have to say or do anything, I just found their presence reassuring as they were communicating the love of God and that everything is ok, like really ok, there’s a universal order grander than any rubbish the world might throw up.) And that maybe I was this person for a few people I knew. A beautiful responsibility to work on being settled and let go of anything that can get in the way of this.
Your comment touches me very deeply Karin. What if we are the one who desperately seek to be with? What if we are the caring, loving person to adore? What if we give ourselves the Love we have craved for eons? Perhaps our presence becomes so nurturing and valuable that people feels at home with us. We have the potential within us to bring Heaven wherever we go. So yes, it’s a beautiful responsibility to work with, the purpose that makes my life so joyful and complete.