by Rebekah Muntelwit, Administration/Designer, Mackay, QLD
Almost three years ago I came across Universal Medicine through another family member. I am so grateful to have found it. On the outside, anyone who met me would have thought I had everything going for me: great big family, big group of friends, great grades, fit and healthy… right? On the inside I always questioned myself as to why I always felt there was something missing.
I tried to fill this by many things – one was by being liked. I would try to achieve this by being everyone’s friend and never saying anything that would create any sort of tension between people. By doing this I found that I didn’t know who I was – I was a different person depending on who I was hanging out with at the time. It was exhausting as I was putting on an act for so long without realising that I was getting further and further away from the truth of who I am. This was because I was being liked only by being what everyone outside of me wanted or needed me to be. This is why I always felt there was something really big missing in my life… ME.
At this time I was in my last year of school. I joined every extra curriculum activity that I could: musicals, triathlons, mathematics competitions… because I felt I wasn’t good at anything. So if I was average at a lot of things, maybe then I’d be happy with myself. This worked for a little while; I made all different kinds of friends. But it wasn’t enough because there was such a lack of worth in myself – I didn’t feel happy or confident in myself to step out and be myself.
After going to my first Universal Medicine presentation I thought ‘wow’! Everything that was spoken of was just, well, common sense… BUT it got me questioning why these things that they spoke of were never talked about: things that I always wondered about and had no choice but to accept there were no answers for my questions. I felt everything that was spoken on was truth: it was so refreshing to hear.
This is when I realised what was missing in my life. It wasn’t friends, or boyfriends, good grades, or a religion – I had simply stopped being myself. It was crazy how simple it really was, and I was excited and almost revived that I could be myself again – and be confident in being that. It really opened my eyes as to what was going on within me… I realised I never ever put myself first. I focused on other people’s issues or problems so that I couldn’t feel what was actually going on within me.
We often use the phrase ‘just be yourself’, but do we really know the meaning of that? When did we stop being ourselves that we needed to be reminded? For me, being yourself meant only being the part of you that others will like… don’t show them all of you as they might not like it. I could see it in the girls I went to school with, see how they interacted with different people and often they would be acting different than they did with you. I saw this in my best friend (because I never looked at what I was doing – I only saw it in others) – that she was more herself when it was just me and her, but it front of anyone else I could see her change. I always thought it was strange: why would she want to change who she was just because she’s talking to someone different? And then I realised that I wasn’t the only one trying to be liked. She too had this same lack of self-worth. We reflected this to each other but neither of us saw it – until now.
So what ended up happening was me having multiple personalities because I held back different things from different people.
After spending some time with people who attended Universal Medicine presentations and seeing some esoteric practitioners for sessions, I noticed a lot of similarities. They were confident, supportive and loving; they were lovely to be around and I wanted to know how I could learn to be more of myself with others, like they were.
So I began to make a few changes in my life… slowly. I started to drop the guard I held – which for me was not speaking up, because someone may not want to hear what I had to say. I started feeling my body more as to how I should treat myself. The more I cared for myself, the more I started enjoying the little things I could do for myself, like preparing loving meals or resting when I needed to rest: my eyes were more open to seeing what I still held that was really not me and something that had become a habit. I became conscious of the fact that it was as simple as making loving choices for myself each minute…. and that it is continually making these choices that has been feeling great.
It’s hard for me to think of all the amazing things that have changed in my life, but today I enjoy every day. I have the most amazing family who now actually talk about real things and support one another: it started with us all taking steps to look after ourselves and this made us more aware of each other and the support we could give to each other in this development. We began having a family meal together… this was something we stopped years ago as everyone just did their own thing of an evening. This had given us all a chance to talk about our day – have the support if the day wasn’t pleasant, and have discussions about things that were happening in our lives.
I am now more aware of what it means to just be ‘myself’, and I find that I am now more confident in myself and in my relationships with others. I am aware of how in the past many of my relationships were based on trying to impress and fit in: this way of relating no longer fits for me. I am aware that what I was missing almost three years ago was me being me. Now, every day is expanding to be more loving than the day before.