Learning to Find Me and Live My Life

Throughout my life I have been many things to anyone and everyone; and until recently, nothing to myself.

My father had won a scholarship to the local King’s School (as inaugurated by Henry VIII) and so I was drilled into following in his footsteps. I didn’t, and all in all, I must have proved a great disappointment to him and never earned his respect.

My first husband tried drilling into me the change of chord in The Sultans of Swing, but as I couldn’t hear it, his frustration was meted out by his fists. I was also blamed for the weather and his consistently unhappy days at work.

I could never please him: firstly I was to be his mother, then Petula Clarke and later Debbie Harry. My hairstyles would change at his whim, the way I walked, the clothes… I became his Sindy doll, but again, I was a disappointment to him. I escaped with my young daughters before the inevitable consequences of all those disappointments were enacted more forcefully.

And so my life continued trying to please people for fear of disappointing them and taking the blame for being a failure.

Then one rainy day at St. Andrew’s in Scotland I heard myself telling someone, “I’m not important!” The words resonated deep within and then sank from memory.

Awakening my Curiosity

Many years later I was urgently flagged down on the motorway to discover that my car had been leaking petrol for miles. Waiting in the nearest service station for a tow and being plied with as much black coffee as I could drink, I shakily reviewed what might have happened that day.

My thoughts were terrifying and led me to consider all my near-death experiences: suffocation as a new-born; an emergency caesarean that almost killed both of us; an attempted drowning in the kitchen sink; being raped at knife-point, narrowly avoiding being stabbed in the back; waking up at the wheel of my car, just in time to avoid careering into a bridge stanchion when suffering with a virus:

  • Why had I been spared?
  • Had I perhaps not fulfilled my purpose?
  • Was someone watching over me?
  • Where were all these calamities leading me?

I didn’t know!

It was an awakening that felt quite haunting, heavy and also un-answerable; and yet my curiosity had been awakened. I woke up to the many years of loneliness in my second marriage, investing my love and happiness into caring for our pets, and so I became aware of the words, ‘to find me and to be free.’ I passed them off as meaningless and they remained buried for years.

Looking for Answers – the Spiritual New Age Route

Before our twentieth year together I extricated myself from this marriage and ventured down the spiritual new age route… and I was successful. I happily followed the winding mystical paths of Reiki, crystals and self-styled psychics, gurus, seers and hungrily read promising books; then the doubts started to set in.

There were no true answers – it was as though these people didn’t know anything about their own professed subjects, or that their experiences were not genuine. I began to feel cheated; teased or toyed-with. And so this time I realised my own disappointment! I knew that I was not going to find my answers there…

Some while later, one sunny day while walking my dog, I sat in a flower meadow alive with the buzzing of insects, and watched him play in the pond to cool down. Absorbing the warmth of the sun I felt at peace, a oneness with me; and then I felt that lovely warm glow deep inside. And so the words that I had heard many years ago, which had remained meaningless until that very moment, rang gently in my ears: ‘to find me, to be free.’

I realised that there was no ‘me’. I didn’t know what I liked or disliked, let alone who I was. I had always fitted in with others, liking what they liked, disliking what they disliked.

Somewhere in my life I had lost me!

I then accepted that the next phase in my life would be about me and only me. No partners. Just me and my dog Henry.

Personal development courses followed, and this group work brought tears and self-realisations as I remembered a phrase from years ago, “I am not important.” I gained greater self-confidence and a small sense of ownership of me, but still, that warm inner glow seemed only accessible when we were out in nature, walking together and having fun! It was not a constant, let alone a regular or familiar feeling; just one that I craved.

Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon & Connecting with Me

Then one day I was given a copy of The Way of Initiation by Serge Benhayon. It sat on my bookcase for months; it was a thick book, over 700 pages, and it looked like a heavy read. I had noticed in horror the word ‘God’ and balked at the assumed religious dogma.

How wrong I was! And so I read this purple book when I felt that I was ready. This time I was determined to not be fooled again!

As a result, and in order to substantiate Serge’s words and to improve my not-so-classic education, I purchased a number of philosophical and science books. My first purple books are littered with post-it notes and my own hand-written annotations where I have sought confirmations and substantiations; but more than anything, as I became familiar with Serge’s words, I began to realise that they made utter sense. They felt right.

I also discovered the Universal Medicine website and in a feeding frenzy devoured what was then on offer. I downloaded radio interviews and listened eagerly, over and over again, to the presenter chatting to this wonderful, all-knowing, content family man, who quite simply, just made sense.

There was much talk of the Gentle Breath Meditation; it seemed the key to everything, but back then I had not read the all-important first book, nor discovered the audio downloads!

The following Easter I sat with my first esoteric practitioner and whilst some of her words irked me, I felt a stillness and a belonging in her company. My eyes had been opened. Since then I have had more sessions, attended my first webcast where I interacted freely and honestly with others; and attended my first workshops.

It was remarkable and I still remember the warm glow within as my inner heart opened and I started to connect to me.

I can now feel and be comfortable with the fact that I am a nurturer, a mother, someone who cares deeply about others and who wants to help and share her experiences. I am a home-maker, a carer, a guardian.

But of more importance, I am now realising that I am nurturing myself and accepting that after some 45 years of toil and hardship, in-truth self-imposed, my body and physiology need time to heal too.

I started with the little things, like responding to my body’s needs immediately rather than putting them off until they were convenient, such as: making a drink when I felt thirsty, rather than delaying for another hour or so whilst I double-checked columns of data; answering calls of nature rather than diverting my attention to my computer screen; and getting up from my desk to actually get my lunch when I felt hungry rather than when it was convenient.

Just easy little things, but they made such a difference, learning to give my body preference over what I was doing; my functionality. Giving up coffee showed me how much my body had been suffering from stress. I am learning what my body likes and does not like and more importantly, acknowledging this and doing something about it.

My friends and colleagues began to respond to the gentleness I brought with me every day and these relationships changed and became more meaningful.

I regularly listen to Serge Benhayon’s presentations and each time I hear something different; something I hadn’t heard or grasped properly before, or possibly his words talk to a deeper level and become more meaningful.

There are days when I feel my connection to myself most of the time and days when it evaporates fairly quickly, when I lapse a little and my mind distracts my body from letting me know that it needs attention.

I still have lots to learn and feel for myself, the key is the doing for myself as the more I do, the more I feel – short steps become longer steps, as opportunities, lessons I learn for myself, or alternative ways, open up.

The main investment turns out to be the loving choices that I make for me. Each small step counts, as does the Gentle Breath Meditation™, which is my key to Me!

My life has become a focused path and I know that my journey is not a solitary one for we are all returning home.

A lovely warm inner glow has replaced the former emptiness.

This developing love within is inspiring me to dig deeper into my past and is supporting me as I discover my hidden secrets and darkest nightmares, to confront my lies and to learn about honesty – truthfully feeling into what it is I like and that which I dislike.

To be free — To be me!

I have been inspired by Serge Benhayon and the Universal Medicine presentations and workshops I have attended in my journey to find Me and to Live My Life in truth and love.

By Maggie Rogerson, Housewife, Lancashire, U.K.

Further Reading:
Using the Gentle Breath Meditation to Connect
Gentle Breath Meditation™ – How It has Supported Me to Feel Again
Time For Me…To Re-connect To The Love Within

1,026 thoughts on “Learning to Find Me and Live My Life

  1. Thank you for sharing, it is amazing how easily we can ‘lose’ ourselves in life, in relationships, in work in pretty much anything. It is not about saying no to them, rather staying true to what we know and feel and bringing our all to them, and then it is amazing how they all change without even trying.

  2. Ironic how when you don’t live up to the imposing and unrealistic expectations of others they can be both disappointed and disrespectful.

  3. “I still remember the warm glow within as my inner heart opened and I started to connect to me.” When we feel such a warm glow as this, there is no mistaking that what we are feeling is undeniable. I was talking to someone recently who had the same experience having only just discovered these amazing books and felt clearly that they wanted to know more because of the strong connection they felt with what was held in those pages.

  4. I deeply appreciate how we are offered ‘stop and reflect’ moments in our life when we are so caught up in our dramas that we can’t see ‘the wood for the trees’. Just to be offered the opportunity to question what’s going on is so powerful. It creates space and the opportunity to see beyond the often self-destructive path we have been on.

  5. “I still remember the warm glow within as my inner heart opened and I started to connect to me.” Every time we reconnect to our inner being we feel the love of who we are.

  6. Like you Maggie “I know that my journey is not a solitary one for we are all returning home” and at this time we may not know where home is, but if we stop and be with ourselves long enough we can get a sense that, yes, we are. And what is so beautiful about rediscovering the amazing beings that we are, is that this discovery is not just for us, but for humanity.

  7. “To be free — To be me!” – to actually be free we need to know who we truly are, otherwise who we are is not free of what we are not.

  8. ‘To be free – to be me’ – absolutely. Life may try telling us otherwise, but true freedom is to be and live all that we are in our essence unapologetically until we find that the ‘me’ is because of ‘us’.

  9. Thank you Maggie, it is always touching reading your story, an honest account of a woman finding her way back to herself. I thank God for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine because I could not live the unbearable existence I was in, nor could I find a way to heal myself from the many experiences that had deeply hurt me. I’m now a continuing blossoming flower – like yourself. All the best to you Maggie and I hope you will write another blog and/or an update.

    1. Thank you Melinda; I agree with you totally. I remember well my worst day and realising then that there was only one way to go. I used all my courage then, floundered many times, but never questioned where and why, just the how… and then the purple books came to me. Such a gift! My tool box is now far better equipped as I am learning that it’s all about me and my reactions or rather responses to the dramas in my life.

      As for blogs: several are in the pipeline!

  10. Many millions of people live the way you did, moving from one difficulty to another. Do more than very few ever come out of it?

    1. I feel that we all have our triggers, that ‘bottom of the barrel’ scenario, or life-changing event at some point in our lifetimes. We could pass many on the streets who, but for too many hurried-reactions, would be walking with us now. The time will come for us all, uniquely when we are all ready. Our life-stories and therefore our momentums are different and individual.

      To complete what we start, we must first be solid in our choices Christoph.

      Should we not all aim to be truthful, loving and supportive role models for all those teetering on the edge of dipping their toes in the water? Are we not offering them our ‘tool boxes’…?

  11. Beautifully said. We can find ‘me’ in the self-care, self-love and nurturing, only to find that it is not just ‘me’, and that we are part of the ‘all’.

  12. “Giving up coffee showed me how much my body had been suffering from stress” Amazing Maggie, I love this example as it shows how we use substances to cover up, pep up or drown out what’s really going on for us on an emotional and/or physiological level.

    1. Being able to give up coffee, i.e. having a choice whether to drink coffee or not, is an amazing achievement and beyond most of us.

      1. Wow, thank you Christoph! To me then, it was a no-brainer. My body was feeling overrun with ‘something’; but it was only after giving up the coffee and experiencing all the pain which it had been masking that I understood that the ‘something’ was anxiety! I am still living with anxiety, but it is far, far less than it was back then. Suffering with the aches and pains as the anxiety surfaced in my body gave me the courage to ask my managers to work from home twice a week; which is what I did until I left. I was in a no-win situation at work; so I ended the drama.

  13. In many ways it is a miracle you are still alive but our Soul calls the shots on that one and thus, there is obviously more to reclaim, redress and more to write, please.

  14. The expectations placed on us from our parents can be as heavy as stone, but it’s up to us to choose to carry that stone or not even engage with it. When we feel the freedom of living our own lives, breathing our own breaths, the demands of the outside world become somewhat irrelevant.

      1. I don’t think it’s the hardest part, in fact realising this brings a lightness and a freedom for us to move in whatever way we like. Perhaps if it is hard it is because the expectations actually come from us, and it is something we have laced on ourselves in the illusion that it was casted upon us.

  15. ‘I started with the little things, like responding to my body’s needs immediately rather than putting them off until they were convenient,’ This is a great reminder Maggie, as the small things we do that are nurturing or caring all build towards a very solid foundation of love in our body.

    1. …and it’s those little things which somehow repeat over and over which are taking us deeper and deeper as we peel off layers of our unwanted behaviours, getting us closer to who we really are.

  16. It is interesting how the new age spirituality that is offered these days seems to readily promise ‘finding yourself’, but time and time again I hear people talk about how they could never really find themselves there in these pursuits, and are left with a continual search and an ever deepening desire for truth. In my view, the reason these pursuits do not deliver the truth we are all searching for is nothing to do with the people who attend or present there, it is merely because the one whole and complete truth that is so ultimately fulfilling is found deep within our inner-most hearts, which is the doorway to the soul, where true truth is only just the beginning and as this cannot be found in any outer source. Nothing can deliver this unto us, it is a journey of discovery for ourselves – thus, we are our own salvation, with the deepest love.

    1. Absolutely Shami, but the trick is to become aware of this. The world is geared-up to us to look externally of ourselves as introspection is seen as self-indulgent nonsense. Sharing our lives with Serge is the greatest of blessings, but without being introduced to his books I may not have found him. But that in itself is another avenue!

  17. There is something about Serge Benhayon, his presentations and workshops that ring true and like you Maggie, my life has become very focused and purposeful, not as it used to be which was rudderless being tossed around by the vagaries of life. As we discover the hidden aspects of ourselves and heal the hurts that we have accumulated since we were young, there is a discovery to be made that we are actually the most amazing human-beings. I have discovered it is the being that makes us so amazing, our being has a foot as it were in the Universe and knows all there is to know. This is our true intelligence not what we learn by rote from books and people who have read these books before us it is all regurgitated information. And have we learnt anything from this regurgitated information the answer has to be NO we haven’t.

  18. We tend to judge ourselves because of how we used to be in the world, with others and self. It may appear that we did not do much for us. Yet, if this is what we say we miss a point: the not appearing to do much for us was hard work around the clock to avoid evolution. This is what we did for us. Yet, if this is true, what did we really offer others?

    1. Yes, we possibly are, or were, addicted to tension in all its many guises because it kept us busy and away from looking, let alone questioning what it was that we were avoiding in the first place!

  19. “Throughout my life I have been many things to anyone and everyone; and until recently, nothing to myself” – if one ever really truly wants to change their life, seeing how life is and importantly the part we’ve played in our own life i.e. are we present or absent in it, provides the greatest healing where we can take charge. I still remember well a few years ago the realisation that I had been choosing to live life and seeing it metaphorically as washing “my delicates” on someone else’s “90 degree washing machine spin cycle” – that visual representation was enough to see how misshapen i’d allowed myself to become over time and what was therefore needing to occur going forward.

    1. I have realised Zofia that any metaphor or analagy will do; and it’s that when we start asking these vital questions of ourselves, just how many vital, or pertinent phrases we hear which bring us to stop moments. It is true that the more we help ourselves, the more assistance we are offered. It is our choice whether or not we listen.

    2. Great analogy.. when we live life according to someone else’s/the world’s cycle – or spin – then it’s not at all surprising that we end up feeling out of sorts, totally disconnected to our own true rhythm. We do know what our true rhythm and way of living is, and naturally live that when we start to ditch the pictures of what we think that looks like, or what/how we think we need to be for others (but essentially for ourselves, to ‘fit in’), and listen to what our bodies are saying.

  20. Gosh how awful and abusive that all these people wanted you to be something and someone you are not which is impossible and then were disappointed. How awful and abusive that we so often do that to ourselves. How ridiculous when who we truly are is magnificent and glorious beyond words. What a wonderful world it will be when we all eventually live and enjoy the truth of who all we already are at essence.

    1. Our temporal lives are surrounded by empty people struggling to cope and make sense of the card hand they have been dealt in life. The world is made up of those of us who are asking the pertinent questions about Life; seeking the Truth; and those who aren’t because they are not yet ready to glimpse at the Truth. The more of us who can reflect back how truly loving the Truth really is; how supportive; and how we are learning to master our own livingness, the more curious and tempted they will become. Love, genuine truthful love, WILL conquer all Nicola; and as you say, “…what a wonderful world it will be…”.

  21. Your sharing of telling someone “I’m not important” reminded me of how often people say “it’s just me” as if they are not important. Even the word “just” often reflects that we are justifying ourselves – but everyone is equally priceless and gorgeous!

    1. You made me smile reading this Nicola! My late-husband’s grandmother would phone us and by means of introduction would say, “It’s only me dear!”. I look back at her memory now and can’t equate all that she was with the word “only”!

  22. I truly love reading The Way of Initiation book by Serge Benhayon, it’s genuinely enriching and really helps you connect with a deeper aspect of yourself and understand how you are in life and the impact this has on not only ourselves but everyone else as well, it is very beautiful.

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