by J McFadden, born in Scotland, living in the Netherlands
My trip to Scotland: it was the first time in as long as I could remember that I was looking forward to going – I always visited in the years past as a sense of duty. I would always come back (to Holland) in no hurry to visit Scotland again. My mother would always say something that would hurt me deeply – she always was an insensitive and cold woman in my eyes, and I can remember feeling the distance between us as a small child. I was the third girl in the family and also a twin; I had a twin brother who was the first son born.
My parents, being of Irish descent, grew up with the belief that boys were the most important – more important than girls. This is an old, old belief that is handed down from generation to generation in Ireland, or certainly it is in my family. I remember when my son and daughter were age three and five, my grandmother was leaving after a holiday in Scotland, and the very last words she said to me were – “look after the boy”. She said this to me as if it was the most natural thing to say. I was stunned at the time, but in no way then could I fully understand the enormity or significance of those four words, and for how many decades this belief had been handed down through the generations in our family.
Being the third girl in the family I grew up feeling not seen and not heard, so I stopped expressing, and I felt pretty much invisible while my twin brother got the ‘little king’ treatment. You can imagine the resentment I had towards my brother and the anger I had towards my mother. Since my childhood my mother and I have never been close, and have always had issues. And I could never express how I felt. Feeling un-connected in the family unit, I always felt like the ‘black sheep’.
So in August this year I went back to Scotland, back to my roots – and what a different trip it turned out to be. I had a lovely time with all my family, I had a lovely connection with my mother, for the first time ever, and I cannot tell you the incredible healing that it was for me. It was like she ‘saw me’ for the very first time, and maybe that was because I ‘saw her’ for the first time.
What happened? What changed? I had, of course. What made the huge difference was three things:
Firstly, I had found a new ‘connection’ to myself.
Secondly, I didn’t ‘need’ anything from my family at all. I wasn’t looking for acceptance or any form of recognition – I wanted to just ‘be’ with my family, enjoy them, accept them, connect with them and was not looking for anything in return. I have always been ‘needy’ and deeply insecure and looking to others to meet those needs. Looking to others to meet your needs, always, without fail, leads to let-downs and disappointments. Looking to others to have your needs met also carries the undertone that you are not enough to meet your own needs. And so you never are! So many years I have lived like this…
Thirdly, for the first time I accepted my family and my mother for who they are. My father passed a few years ago. I have always ‘needed’ them to be different, and many times wished for a different family. Both my parents were addicted to alcohol which meant a lot of drama and emotions as I was growing up. Both my parents could only ever express themselves through the drink – which meant a lot of shouting, a lot of yelling, name calling, and also who would have the last word. This way of communicating was the norm – and was something I took on.
I am guilty of blaming my mother for the struggles in my life, yet on this trip I saw that I did not judge or blame my mother for our past differences, or for her choices. She still smokes, she still enjoys her ‘daily tipple’ (her whisky) – but here’s the thing – I found that just accepting her as my mother, without the ‘baggage’, opened up the space between us and gave me a clear picture of her life. My mother was also a twin, she had a twin brother too. My grandmother, her mother, was the one who had said to me, “look after the boy”. This was the ‘aha!’ moment – everything made sense; my mother grew up under the same belief… and she had four brothers. I can only wonder at the difficult childhood she had with this belief operating in the family. With this new understanding of her life I could see how hard her life had been, and my heart opened to her as I could see past everything that was not really her. For the first time ever, I felt love for my mother.
Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time. My family felt my non-judgment, which allowed them to open up to me. And they did not judge me in my choices not to smoke and not to drink… so we could be together. The black sheep of the family had gone. The black sheep was replaced with a woman who for the first time was able to ACCEPT herself, and from that place of self-acceptance was able to slowly see that she is worthy of loving herself, of taking good care of herself and that she does count in this world. Her expression counts, and boys are not more important than girls. We are equal, we are all equal.
The transformation of the ‘black sheep’ of the family was because I attended courses by Serge Benhayon. His courses and presentations expose all the things we are not and have taken on, like the examples I have mentioned above. Serge presents another way to live, a way that develops a loving relationship with self first. When we begin to heal and love ourselves, our families automatically benefit because when you stop judging yourself, you stop judging others. When you understand and accept yourself, you can understand and accept others; and when you are honest, open and loving with yourself, and with others, it allows people to be honest, open and loving back. So developing a loving relationship with self first, is developing a loving relationship with everyone, because you bring your ‘loving self ’to your family and to all your relationships. Everyone benefits.
I feel the full circle of life is that we live, we die, we come back and we do it all over again…with each generation passing beliefs down to the next as previously shown, and round and round in circles we go. It only takes one person to break the chain; and so I see that I do not pass on the belief that ‘boys are more important than girls’, and I do not pass the ‘inability to express’ on to my children and my grandson and his children, and the children of his children etc. To me it feels like the ‘inability to express’ has been deeply ingrained in our family for a long time and has caused so much pain and suffering on so many levels; now it is starting to be exposed, it is starting to heal for me.
In healing myself, in loving myself to the best of my ability it benefits ALL my family, the ones living and the ones on the other side. Then multiply this by the 2000 or so people who have attended the courses, and their families…..
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
“What happened? What changed? I had, of course.” The simple magic of the teachings of Universal Medicine.
This blog couldn’t have come at a more perfect time for me, as I am about to go on my yearly visit to see my elderly parents living overseas. I kind of dread visiting them as they are needy and blame everyone else for their ailments.
I too have been the ‘black sheep’ of the family and I can now see the dynamics of the play. The ‘black sheep’ of the family, ostracised etc. and went into the dutiful daughter, caring for them when I lived in the UK. Now living in Australia, the distance separated many things, beliefs, customs, traditions, duties etc.
At the end of the day the choice is ultimately mine, in how I receive or perceive what they present every time I visit. The key is the understanding of traditions, duties etc. were passed on to them too and they don’t know how to get out of this cycle, yet.
This is a great example of how taking responsibility for ourselves is ultimately what frees us. We could carry through all our hurts in our life believing there is someone to be blame, but that would need us constantly feeding the toxic tendril in-between, and while we are at it, we are interrupting the absolute gorgeousness of ourselves that could otherwise be expressed and felt freely.
Tangible evidence that when we heal our hurts and past and love ourselves more deeply this affects all around us including our relationships. Really beautifull to hear how your relationships with your family have changed.
I was considered to be the ‘black’ sheep of our family as a young child because I struggled to conform to the demands of my parents which put me at loggerheads with them. Today I am very much an accepted part of my family I am accepted and appreciated for who I am at last.
It’s a lovely read sharing in the cycle you have moved through to heal so much, and to open up to your family relationships in a loving and non-judgemental way. Family relationships can be painful because we are often unable to see the bigger picture of others lives and why they are as they are. I agree that healing ourselves first, and learning to live from the love within ourselves takes the pressure off needing that love from others and all the subsequent disappointments. We are then more free to just be with people.
I love how you write from your heart J McFadden, I can relate to everything you have written. I was born into a family that had the belief that boys were everything and girls were not to be seen. So I was always looking to be seen and heard which was an impossibility and as you correctly said the negative out play is that when you look to others to meet your needs, always, without fail this leads to let-downs and disappointments because no one can ever fill us with what is missing from our lives which is actually our own love that resides within us.
Mary your comment is awesome, ‘boys are everything and girls were not to be seen’. I too relate to your comment, looking to others to maybe fill that missing gap, when that gap can be filled by oneself. Loving oneself first is all it takes to addressing the beginning of our woes, it is that simple.
Such a simple 3 step process to so many situations – connect to yourself, don’t need an outcome or for something to be a particular way, and accept others for who they are and where they are at, no judgement.
Wisdom to live by.
Activating deep hurts in another is a very effective way to preserve your own pattern of movements.
The transformation is huge. We inspire people in ways we are unaware of, every single human being has an impact on others – in the way we treat them or in what they see in us. We don’t even have to speak sometimes for others to feel a different quality, a quality which cannot be a put-on, something which is lived and developed only through a commitment to love.
It is amazing when we grow and change it allows our relationships around us to correspondingly grow and change too.
Love the fact that when we accept ourselves for who we really are we can do the same for others, the benefits by making this choice is huge. Many families are being enriched thanks Universal Medicine and the work we are making here together. How wonderful is that.
Expecting others being love is exhausting whereas being the love we are is inmediate and very powerful, a choice to be made and a work to be done in our own pace.
What a beautiful comment Inma, yes our love is immediate and powerful.
What you share exposes how powerful it is when one person breaks the chain and opens up for something else and how this benefits and can be felt by so many others.
So true Matts. When we can let go of our past hurts, however old and deep they may be, it opens so many doorways for others. Once judgment is out of the way, we simply dont know what else is possible.
One thing we are always part of is cycles, and we can change those cycles considerably with our love and self healing so the negativity in families doesn’t keep perpetuating. We can then establish cycles of ever deepening love and joy, and yes it’s possible.
‘To me it feels like the ‘inability to express’ has been deeply ingrained in our family for a long time and has caused so much pain and suffering on so many levels;’ This is certainly true for me too. When we really start healing these behaviour patterns so much comes up for us to clear. It can feel daunting and the temptation is to go back into old familiar ways to stay seemingly safe, to not rock the boat etc but this only limits our advancement, so to speak, and holds us all back from being and living the true love that we are.
This is a beautiful blog showing that once we heal ourselves we have a profound effect on others – and even then there is more to become aware of and that can even be much more.
What you shared here is such a powerful example of how we can evolve through reflection of each other’s living ways- it is so much easier to go through life without the usual judgement and non-acceptance of other people, blaming them for all your problems, and once we have built that acceptance in ourselves this can be expressed so naturally to heal many relationships that never had these qualities in them in the past.
“When we begin to heal and love ourselves, our families automatically benefit because when you stop judging yourself, you stop judging others.” – this feels like a core truth shared by the author of this great blog, and is powerful to feel how every choice and awareness/understanding we gain for ourselves, has an energetic effect by allowing others we are connected with directly and indirectly, to make the same choices without having to even say a word to them. Just by holding them with no judgement can completely transform a relationship in a positive way.
When we feel less of a need to judge ourselves it seems natural to judge others less as well. It seems to simply happen.
‘Just by holding them with no judgement can completely transform a relationship in a positive way’, and all parties in relationship positively and significantly benefit as well as expand and evolve.
The harm that some deep held beliefs can produce is simply enormous. The denial of the beauty of women and the crop of lack of self-worth is way too heavy a backpack they end up carrying. The irony is that not even men benefit from this.
If we dare to drop the roles that we have been identified with in life which provide us with approval and recognition, patiently waiting re-connection is our innermost.
With the rates of domestic violence and abuse sky rocketing at the moment, what is shared in this article is absolute gold for us all.
I am also learning the power of acceptance.
When we need something from others in a relationship it can be felt like a sticky glue and naturally enough people do not like this on them.
Not ‘needing something’ from others frees us up to see and experience them for who they are and not fulfill our expectations or judgments of how we think they should be, or would like them to be, in order to satisfy our needs.
Its a refreshing approach as when we are free, we can appreciate so much more of the qualities the other brings, the situation they are in.. it promotes an understanding that cannot help but be felt by the other.
And in doing so it establishes the foundation to establish harmony.
We notice the obvious favouritism towards boys in countries where extreme practices occur, such as dumping girl babies. Yet the energy is the same in the words of the Irish grandmother who stated, ‘look after the boy’. This consciousness of men being more valued than women is widespread. It will take for women to reclaim their own value and standards within themselves for equality to be restored. While we play less we continue to add to the problem.
And it is also for men to appreciate that by valuing men more than women, men equally loose out as they are then living a lie and therefore not being who they truly are.
To accept yourself and to accept another that is key, and I’m reminded that it’s simply about coming back to how I relate to me, no blame, no need to judge another or myself but just a willingness to observe and let go.
So many live life in tension especially between family members, blaming everyone else for this, yet forever guarding ourselves when we are with them. This article clearly shows how we are the absolute centre of our lives and what we experience in relationship is a direct reflection of how we are in relationship. If we are closed and guarded, then so is everyone else. If we are open and accepting, then others also have the choice to gracefully join us.
Yes, our relationship with ourselves is the key to how we relate to, and with, others.
It is oh so true, our relationships with others do not change until our relationship with ourself does.
It’s amazing when we change the way we are with ourselves, the way we are with others also changes naturally.
Connecting to self is the way forward through all of our so called dilemmas. When I look at a situation in a odd way, it is always for me a stop point to say” Hey. what is going on here” and come back to myself with understanding and love.
Thank you J, I agree that as we allow true healing and understanding for ourselves so too can we then bring that to others, including our family. I can also relate to not being able to accept people because I wanted it / them to be different. But if we can accept things exactly as they are we can then come to an understanding of why it is and begin to see past the choices to the person underneath. Understanding is such a vital part of relationships.
I agree Melinda, understanding brings so much grace and opens up space for relationships to manoever, to explore and play with no perfection being asked for, and in which allows both to grow.
Lack of acceptance in life really can get in the way of us having truly loving relationships, and this is a great example of what can happen when we get our hurts out of the way. We start to see the people in our lives for who they are and accept where they are at.
I am discovering how very loving acceptance is – just to accept people for where they are. They feel this too and the holding of love and space in that acceptance.
Working on one’s own ‘stuff’ is so important because it takes away the neediness we have of others to be a different way for us. When we’re looking for others or for another to confirm us, accept us and love us, there’s a constant seeking and demand for this within ourselves, and life can be very tumultuous as a result. Learning to give this unending love to and for ourselves brings much healing and harmony to ourselves and all of our relationships.
“I am guilty of blaming my mother for the struggles in my life, yet on this trip I saw that I did not judge or blame my mother for our past differences, or for her choices.” l remember how when l began truly changing my ways for less judgement and more loving behaviour, this miraculously took the sting out of my intensity with certain people in my life. Now my relationships with these people are more accepting and easy going. I looked at my own attitudes and took responsibility for my own judgmental behaviours. Now l see so much sweetness and innocence within others, unfolding more and more every time l reconnect with them. I’m so grateful for letting my grievances go.
“I have always been ‘needy’ and deeply insecure and looking to others to meet those needs. Looking to others to meet your needs, always, without fail, leads to let-downs and disappointments. Looking to others to have your needs met also carries the undertone that you are not enough to meet your own needs.” When we can take responsibility to be as independent as possible, this allows us the pathway to self-empowerment. Sometimes we choose not to do this for fear of how much power we actually have.
In finding yourself J, you have been able to heal not only yourself, but as you mention, your family too. What a inspiring sharing!
This is such a beautiful story. I love how you have broken the ongoing cycle on inequality in your family. Never again does there need to be a repeat of that, unless of course someone chooses to start it up again. I love how your mother got to feel met for the first time in her life probably also. She would have just melted with relief as you confirmed to her that all she ever felt about herself wasn’t true, and that she was worthy of love. This learning to love yourself idea seems pretty damn powerful.
It’s easy to blame others for our woes and issues with life… but is it really that easy? It seems to cause more heart ache, more tension in relationships and more angst in the relationship with oneself when we hold another for ransom. Taking responsibility, even though it may seem daunting at the time, is much more freeing and unlocks the shackles that has been chained to the issue in the first place.
It is incredibly powerful when we accept and love another regardless the choices they are making. I am noticing the changes in my relationships too in my life and as I reflect the penny drops becoming aware that they are changing because of the letting go of judgement and loving them knowing who they truly are, a son of God.
Truly expansive and inspring Caroline, to know and feel that others are changing because we are giving them space to do so by accepting and holding them, (not needing them to be different) and never making them less.
It’s really amazing when we take responsibility and deal with our hurts without blaming others and bringing understanding to ourselves and others that life opens up. I’ve experienced this recently where I have been able to let go and accept people where they are and suddenly it was so much easier to communicate as I was just simply being with them and allowing them to be. Simple and yet magic and all because we decide to take care of our part.
An opening of awareness has allowed more of the world to be let in and a closer to the truth of brotherhood, one relationship and one life to be revealed. This is huge healing for everyone in the whole world.
Wow, that’s incredible. It would have been understandable if you chose to never actually deal with this and take the hurt you felt from your mother to your grave, leaving you to be what I can only imagine, a bitter and twisted old woman. BUT – you said no to that option, and you brought the spotlight back on you and how you are with yourself. It’s incredibly inspiring whats possible when we let go of expectations and accept ourselves as the wonderful people we are regardless of all that we may have experienced.
When we live from the truth of knowing who we are from the inside out, and no longer need anyone to be a certain way, we inspire others in our family to let go of the beliefs they have held too.
I have spoken to so many women who felt they were not wanted or fully appreciated by their parents as they were not a boy. It must be strong this sense of disappointment for a baby or toddler to be so aware of it without words. This is just the start of the many ways that women generally get the message that they are less valuable in society.
It has been very healing for me to read this blog and has reflected back to me how I still ‘look to others to have my needs met’ – and end up frustrated of course. Thank you J Mcfadden for sharing your evolution here and supporting us all to evolve in doing so.
This is an amazing turn-around and beautiful to read of the changes you have made in your life and how you are with everyone else as a result. I couldn’t agree more when you say that – “So developing a loving relationship with self first, is developing a loving relationship with everyone, because you bring your ‘loving self ’to your family and to all your relationships. Everyone benefits.”
It’s true what you say here about judgement, when I’ve not judged myself I have been able to have conversations with my parents where they have not felt judged and opened up beyond imaginable. Additionally,if I hold them as “my parents” and have expectations of how they should be towards me, I know that these expectations are holding me back from developing the most loving relationship with them, however the question then is, am I prepared to change myself, change the way I perceive the world in order to make space for the love that I so crave?
‘Looking to others to have your needs met also carries the undertone that you are not enough to meet your own needs. And so you never are! ‘ This is so true. How many of us have had this feeling of not being enough? Not good enough, not clever enough, not fit enough? We really do create our own reality.. Bringing a focus to our own needs however seemingly small and taking care of them takes care of us and gradually those needs we have been putting out there for others to handle grow less and less.
I used to have huge expectation on my families and resented them for not meeting the high bar I set. All of my interactions confirmed my beliefs as everything was tainted because of my hurts and expectations. Drop all this and suddenly I am able to meet and see my family, each member for who they are. The expectations were blinding and kept me shut off from any sort of connection.
It’s incredible that when we make a deeper connection to ourselves and when we let go of needing others to be different just how relationships can blossom.
Yes, definitely – because it gives both ourselves and others the space to just be.
Such a beautiful and honest sharing Jacqueline, to learn to accept and appreciate ourselves is a huge step towards deepening the relationship with ourselves first. This love and acceptance naturally then flows onto to all our relationships healing any old hurts that are standing in the way of true connection with another – a great example of the power of love.
I used to call myself the black sleep of the family as I didn’t always fit in. What has been interesting is that I have been called the ‘blackie’ person (skin colour wise) in my family from a very young age but I knew I was the lightest inside but didn’t know how to deal with this label…..
Roll on a few years and since attending Serge Benhayon’s courses that label has no hold of me, you can call me black, white or pink, I know who I am underneath and thats what counts. Loving myself has turned many things around and from time to time I get it wrong but I know one thing, if it causes a reaction or an ouch, I know I am being offered another hurt that needs healing. I can honestly say that Serge Benhayon has made a difference in my life.
I love all you have shared Shushila especially your learning: ‘but I know one thing, if it causes a reaction or an ouch, I know I am being offered another hurt that needs healing’. Very wise and very true.
There are deep ingrained beliefs that have an enormous capacity to harm. And, yet, people with shut down bodies because of these very same traditions choose to uphold them. Beyond emotions, it is important to understand where these people come from, the quality of their bodies and that the only way to deal with such a level of accumulated hardness and separation is love.
Beautiful to reread this Jacqueline, and yes when our attitude changes toward ourselves our whole changes, thus the responsibility we have to self love.
But in truth, how simple is that? We know that we can’t change the world, but we can change ourselves, so why do we constantly try to change what we can’t and avoid changing what we can?
Love what you have shared Jacqueline so very powerful and inspiring, experiencing your own choices to self love and bringing that reflection to your family in acceptance and understanding. This paragraph ” In healing myself, in loving myself to the best of my ability it benefits ALL my family, the ones living and the ones on the other side. Then multiply this by the 2000 or so people who have attended the courses, and their families….” wow what a ripple effect we bring to the world when we make the choice to love and heal ourselves.
Yes Jill a huge ripple effect – love has that impact and is life changing when we embrace it ( as opposed to resisting it).
A wonderful testamtent to you Jacqueline and how far you have come wiht the support of Universal Medicine, to be able to heal those old hurts and rebuild your relationship with your family. Amazing. This is very inspiring.
Thank you Jacqueline. Your story reminds me how needy I was in the past and I agree, this neediness is very damaging in relationships. When we give ourselves what we need it is immensely empowering.
I love the detail you have gone to. I felt like I was in Ireland, I felt the love on that trip and the way you have finally been able to see your mother. I am slowly coming to realise that judgment is only possible when one holds judgement on themselves. This blog really is a gift as it can be applied to all any relationship, for the key message is understanding and deeper reflection.
I loved reading this blog again. It confirms what I have already learnt, and that is that when we make changes to the way we live, everything else changes. As I continue to give priority to the relationship I have with myself, the relationships I have with others also continue to develop and deepen.
This is a beautiful testimony of the healing that is presented by Universal Medicine in understanding the way things are and how we can choose to make changes to heal the hurts in ourselves and others.
True love is a holding of another where we allow space for them to be who they are. accepting their choices and just reflecting the truth of another way of living in connection to our soul.
Acceptance (or lack thereof) is huge for most of us, though we don’t get to understand this unless we undertake the kind of discovery that Universal Medicine offers us. I know I wouldn’t have understood my own lack of acceptance without this support as it’s all too easy to overlook, ignore, dismiss or not understand the the subtle energies at play within us.
One thing that I am learning more and more these days is that all of our relationships with others are like a mirror and are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.
Not needing anything from others removes a huge burden that I am realising puts great pressure on a relationship. When this is removed space opens up for a deeper connection to others.
Thank you J. It’s clear to me that you broke the cycle perpetuated within your family when you chose to value yourself. We can kid ourselves and blame others when we are hurt all the while remaining blind to the fact that we play a central part in what is being reflected to us. When we take responsibility the world follows suit.
“When we begin to heal and love ourselves, our families automatically benefit because when you stop judging yourself, you stop judging others.” That is so true for me as it was my own experience too and therefore to stop judging oneself is the best medicine ever – if you don’t believe me – the best thing is to try it out for yourself . . .
It is living the true way of love and compassion, without believes that helps us move forward. Towards that which is a true union of humanity, Brotherhood.
When truth is lived … “Then multiply this by the 2000 or so people who have attended the courses, and their families…..” you have world returning to love.
A world returning to love makes me feel so light and joyful Rik.
It’s the best of the best Jacqueline.
There is nothing more healing when the truth is expressed. If this is lost or stagnant, honesty is the next best thing. As J McFadden notes here it starts always with yourself, all that is around you and comes back to you; your relationship with you first and foremost. What I have learnt and shunned away from was not taking responsibility for knowing this, however, why would I not want love in my life by deeply loving myself first and ‘before-most’.
Re reading your blog feels amazing with the knowing you are back in Scotland now and have started a new life over there. You are truly breaking long held patterns in your family and choosing to be in the middle of it, no black sheep energy anymore. Jacqueline, I love your joy in moving forward, thank you for the inspiration and your openness in sharing your story.
To break long-held family dynamics requires us to be honest about how we are with ourselves first and then all others. As Serge Benhayon has shared, it is in our ability to observe and bring understanding that we are able to be more free to change long-held patterns.
Gorgeous blog, showing the depth of beliefs in families, and even countries. It is a glorious thing to feel and see that when we choose to accept our self and express this, the effect this brings in families.
I love what you share about how it only takes one person to break the chain, for example you not passing on the belief that boys are better, to your son and daughter, largely through healing your own self worth provides the foundation for them to have more equal relationships with others.
Thank you Jacqueline, I can feel the enormity of healing that is taking place through Universal Medicine presentations and the ripple effect this can have on the world. As you say acceptance of ourselves is key, and the deeper this acceptance goes the deeper we can accept others. People are not their behaviours although we can often judge them as such. We are not our behaviours. There is so much to life, it literally expands when we can let go of judgement and allow ourselves and others to be. Connecting to the love that we are through the Universal Medicine presentations allows us to approach the way we live and interact with others from a steadier place within ourselves where we do not depend on the outside world to give us the answers.
Reading the first part of how you used to live and blame your family felt heavy and constrictive… I could very much relate, as I was also in this pattern with my family. This is life changing, “When we begin to heal and love ourselves, our families automatically benefit because when you stop judging yourself, you stop judging others.” …. it’s so simple isn’t it? But when you’re stuck in judging yourself it feels like you are climbing a mountain at the thought of accepting others. The change and lightness of how you are now with yourself and family is palpable and would be a delight to be around.
Thank you Jacqueline for a very beautiful blog showing the power of bringing true love and healing into our life and the amazing effect it has on our loved ones and those around us. Understanding and accepting of who we truly are brings the same acceptance and understanding with others.
Very true Jacqueline, letting go of judgment is very powerful and allows the space for us to truly ‘see’ another. This has made a huge difference in my life as well, and the key has been learning to appreciate and accept myself that inspires me to embrace and enjoy all my relationships.
I love the fact that when we start to heal ourselves then all those around us also get an opportunity to heal as well. This is how love works where n0-one is left behind.
Acceptance and understanding in any relationship expands our natural ability to essentially feel and connect to the essence of all. That is something to really appreciate and treasure for it opens up so much richness and intimacy to our connections. Love expands us from the inside out when we allow observation to play its part in the unfoldment of life and how we live it.
I love the awareness that Jacqueline’s mother was only behaving in the way she had learned from her own mother. When we can look at someone’s behaviour with understanding, there can be no blame or judgement of them. The understanding gives us the awareness we need to be able to observe compassionately and not to absorb and react.
Understanding to me is love, it’s seeing something or someone for who they are, and not taking things personally or feeding in to a story or picture.
It’s amazing what happens when we connect to ourselves and allow others to simply be who they are without judgement and accept them for all that they are. We can really learn so much when we are open to the world and everyone in it equally so.
Without the harsh critique of judgment shadowing us it is so much easier to live to our potential.
Is that what we are here for? I mean are we here to heal things like the ‘black sheep’ or are we just here or here to build things etc. Don’t we all ever feel the need to ask why, why are we here? This makes perfect sense to me and I can see how you have gone about your ‘work’. Healing these things are very freeing and life and generation changing. I remember blaming my Mum and Dad for so much. We were still close but I would have shots at them for this and that. Now I simply value them in every way. They are just there like a rock solid support. I don’t focus on what they don’t do but appreciate who they are, not perfect but really really loving and great people. When I see them this way our relationship changes, how they are continues to change and I feel like a learn more about them and me in every interaction. Life changes when you change how you are otherwise Friday will always be Friday and Monday will always be Monday.
Cultural traditions can be so separative, yet we often do not question them because they are under the banner of ‘tradition’ and expected to be carried out even if times have indeed changed. Perhaps they should be named ‘expectations’ instead of traditions!
Lovely J McFadden – thank you. The experience of letting go of judgement is very profound and transformational. I can recall many such moments in my life and the realisation that the power to make that choice was within me all along. Acceptance and understanding are acts of love – whereas judgement just creates hardness and solidifies the very issues we are struggling with. What a glorious awareness to evolve.
You have exposed much in how we follow a pattern, generation after generation, and then carry the hurt of doing so with us to our children and grandchildren. I am glad that you have shared your experiences and have halted the patterns for your family. Everyone who chooses to live from the love we all naturally hold within does the same in their life, and the lives of those close to them. To be shown another way to live is a gift, whether it is observed and lived, or seen and disregarded. Once it has been presented it is forever there to be chosen.
This shows how very powerful we are and that we need not wait for others to change but that the choices we make have a huge impact on all. That it is possible to break the cycles we are caught up in by bringing understanding to ourselves and others so we can see what is really going on and make different choices.
Amazing to break generations of inequality through being love with ourselves. Amazing family can accept
love into their lives where they previously had not. Amazing but also so natural. We are love so perhaps coming back has an ease to it when we allow.
Allowing people to have their choices without judgement is very powerful” Jacqueline this is a very profound statement. Something that we think we do but in all honest and likelihood, probably not. It’s very freeing to let go of any judgments one has on anyone and very much has the capacity, as your experience shows Jacqueline to make significant changes to a relationship.
It wasn’t that long ago that I realised that I was still deep down upset at how my childhood was and I was holding this against my family. Although we had a really lovely relationship I could feel there was a depth lacking and that this prevented me from being open and deep with everyone in my life, even those who I held no issues with what so ever. In this moment I realised I can’t hold issues against one person, not even myself because it effects everyone, so is quite selfish really because everyone misses out.
Isn’t it shocking how much we repeat what is done to us, even we swear not to do so? Sometimes in my life I heard myself saying something to the kids and was shocked because it was like I was hearing my mother or grandmother speak. ‘I have to look for an exorcist’, I said jokingly, as if her spirit is speaking through me! We are living in cycles and repeat and repeat till we truly bring a change into our way of living. As you, J McFadden, have so beautiful described, it is the moment we start to change our selves, to bring what we are looking for, and what is needed, in a relationship, to be the responsibility that is called for. Of cause it would be beautiful (and in truth) for a mother or father to love their children all equally – but sometimes it is not like that, because of ‘culture’, so called ‘religion’ or personal attitude. So in the relationship of child and parent there may be something missing: true love. Now we have the choice: suffer lifelong under this ‘injustice’ or, connect to the love that we are inside anyway and bring it into the relationship. It is easier when I see what happens as energy and less personal. I feel this happens to all of us all of the time – we do not get what we want, need or deserve. But the moment I turn around and do not look anymore for what I get or do not get, but see what is needed and bring it – to see and grasp that I am THE ONE who brings a change – I am empowered again.
Thankyou for sharing your story. These words are very powerful “Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time.” One thing we don’t realise is how we ourselves need to be liberated from the constraints of our own needs, judgments and expectations, and this is what accepting, understanding and allowing people to have space to simply be themselves does for us. We can be so focused on how we feel others need to change that we don’t realise we cause our own pain, and it’s actually we ourselves that need to change.
Generation after generation we hand down our ill ways of being. A lot of the time we do not even question it. No wonder then that we have certain types of illness and disease that run in families, it is because we continue the same ill way of being generation after generation.
“Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time.” This was said really really well Jacqueline. Acceptance and understanding in life is a must when communicating with another I find. Otherwise, judgement can run rampant.
“Looking to others to meet your needs, always, without fail, leads to let-downs and disappointments.” Sure does! cause how can they live up to something that is inside your head which they don’t know about. setting yourself up for disappointment.
It’s so true Jacqueline, when we don’t feel seen or heard we more often than not shut down and stop expressing.
The clarity we get of considering another’s history as influencing their behaviours and beliefs today such as the example you gave Jacqueline of how your mother treated you was because of how she herself was treated and brought up more often than not blesses us with profound understanding of why people are who they are and thus allows us to accept them.
I love this blog Jacqueline, thank you for sharing your insights. It just goes to show that life is pretty much a reflection; if you don’t like what you see you only need to change yourself and then everything changes.
I loved reading of the empowerment you have embraced through awareness and understanding of yourself and your family. How healing it must be to get to a place where you realise that there is no need to look to others for anything that you cannot offer yourself.
Each time I drop another layer of judgement, my relationship with my mother deepens. Inspired by everything that I have learnt, seen and felt through the presentations of Serge Benhayon.
Well said Jacqueline, as others have also mentioned what stands out for me is when you say; ‘Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time’. It throws judgements out of the window and allows other people the space to grow and learn. Wanting or demanding someone to make a certain choice or be anywhere other than where they are casts an imposing element of judgment on them and is very unloving.
What a beautiful transformation Jacqueline, thank you for sharing. What you have expressed here is simple, powerful and wise;
“Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time”.
I know I have reacted to these triggers too. I know the first time I saw the way boys were treated like little princes within families and girls were taught to serve I was so horrified. The antidote to this is to be full of self regard and understanding not full of judgement as I was. I feel these ways were designed to keep us emotional so the greatest thing we can do is to be so full of love for ourselves that we truly love those who hold such beliefs. Then the relationship changes because they feel us holding them equally.
“because when you stop judging yourself, you stop judging others. When you understand and accept yourself, you understand and accept others; and when you are honest, open and loving with yourself and with others, it allows people to be honest, open and loving back”. It’s like a domino affect, the barriers come down as we begin to accept and build love and care for ourselves.
Gorgeous to feel how our choices affect so many others and will do for generations. You are very inspiring Jacqueline.
So beautiful what you have shared Jacqueline. I totally agree when we begin to truly appreciate and accept ourselves all our relationships begin to transform and become more loving and true.
“Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time”. Beautiful J McFadden. In accepting and appreciating ourselves we are then able to accept and appreciate others – which makes a world of difference. “Breaking the chain” is such a gift we can give, not only to ourselves but to the next generation.
A beautiful example of the teachings of Serge Benhayon being put into practice. When we choose self-love and have no neediness or judgement of others then we are able to accept and connect to who they truly are and not all the beliefs and traditions that have been imposed and passed down. Very inspiring.
And the healing goes on. Thank you Jacqueline Mc Fadden. We often underestimate the power of one person healing and thus accepting themselves and others BUT it is HUGE. We actually underestimate the impact we have on others both for healing and for harm. We must never underestimate the power that we all hold to heal. We don’t have to be responsible for anyone else. Just ourselves is enough. People feel much more at ease and free to make their own choices when we do not judge.
Beautifully shared and thank you. It is really lovely to read a blog where such deep acceptance and understanding has transformed relationships. It is so incredible what we can achieve when we connect with our true selves and drop judgments and expectations.
I love how you share “It only takes one person to break the chain.” We often feel our expression alone is not powerful enough to change a situation but your blog shows how that is absolutely not true, we are very powerful even if it is just one of us.
I agree, Lieke – just one person with the courage to stand up against a tsunami of historical beliefs and express differently, and the world can change.
This is great to read J McFadden, reading this really helped me to understand my mother, ‘With this new understanding of her life I could see how hard her life had been, and my heart opened to her as I could see past everything that was not really her. For the first time ever, I felt love for my mother.’ I can feel how understanding our parents and how they grew up can bring understanding instead of judgement.
This applies not just to our parents. With all others we meet too, we can bring understanding and love instead of judgement, only that way we support others to evolve.
So refreshingly honest, allowing the truth to be told and offering a point of awareness for us all, thank you J McFadden.
“What happened? What changed? I had, of course.” a powerful statement and blog J. It’s beautiful to feel your acceptance and allowance and how these have transformed your relationship with yourself and also with others – dispelling all resentment is like lifting such a heavy load off of our shoulders when understanding can bring the true perspective as you have wonderfully shared, thank you for your expression.
Wow Jacqueline amazing sharing. I was brought up in a farming family and the importance of producing males into the family to carry on the traditional methods was huge. Little realising at the time my mother and other female relatives also had a ‘hand me down’ structured life ahead of them. (if they chose). It is never too late to make changes, and as you share so beautifully, developing a loving relationship with self first is paramount to move on and to then accept others and their choices.
A timely reminder as Christmas is approaching, family gatherings to be had buttons get pushed !! I know there are times I’m still am attached and are needing family to change not for themselves but for me… Now thats an ouch
True Jaime. Maybe that’s why we place so much importance on giving gifts – alleviating the guilt over our demands for others to fit our pictures of how things should be. Christmas might go out of business if we were to adopt more self-awareness and share that instead!
Great observation Jaimie, that applies to all situations were we want another to be different, it is always about us and what we need for ourselves. I am open to seeing when I do this and I still have much to learn.
That boys are more important was a belief in my family too, and I always hated that across generations the women were naturally more open to their sons. It was a resentment I carried that made me feel very badly about myself as I knew it was not loving and it did not sit well with me as I knew it was unkind. You have given me the understanding that they were raised this way, there was nothing personal in it, they were just following the program, and by not fully expressing me, so was I.
Beautifully shared hartanne60. Resentment often runs very deep in family and we feel it but do not want to look at it let alone admit it. If there is any resentment in any part of our life it can spill over into another so addressing this as you have done through your awareness and love for yourself is a huge healing for everyone.
The power of accepting, understanding and allowing is well illustrated in your beautiful story Jacqueline. I am feeling there are many levels to this as recently a new and difficult family situation revealed an old hurt that that I had thought I’d healed. Your story is a great reminder of the responsibility we each carry to heal our own hurts and to let go of old beliefs.
“Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time” So very true J and by you being you what a huge healing you have brought to your family. Thank you for sharing your family experience with us so we too can learn.
Powerful blog J, it highlights the responsibility we carry to come from a place of genuine love from within and not passed on patterns of behaviour that haunt generation after generation until someone steps up and say “yes” to expressing who they really are.
Love heals for one and all.
“She ‘saw me’ for the very first time, and maybe that was because I ‘saw her’ for the first time. When you stop judging yourself, you stop judging others”. The day we finally decide to leave our hurts behind and regain our self-respect is the day when life smiles back at you. Thank you for this great blog.
Yes Patricia, it’s beautiful how J McFadden, highlights how the judgement of ‘self’ opens the door for others to also judge. I have felt this to be very true in my life and as I develop a platform of self worth and inner knowing I feel less reliant on other’s opinions of me and more knowing of what wealth lies within my soul.
This is so powerful to ponder…”I feel the full circle of life is that we live, we die, we come back and we do it all over again…with each generation passing beliefs down to the next as previously shown, and round and round in circles we go. It only takes one person to break the chain”, this is so true ‘one’ person is enough, to alter generations of ingrained behaviours, it is not about being right, being judgmental, blaming, it is absolutely about appreciating our own innate divinity and being aware of this within everyone else that we meet. Do we ‘blame’ our families for injustice, we are part of these families, we can call out abuse if it occurs, how we do it is the key, is it from anger and hurt or is it expressed from a place of love.
I love the point about the more we work on ourselves the more we inevitably work on our relationships with others.
Highlights to me that we are not individuals, we are designed to co-habitat and support one another to the end degree.
We are never separate but connected in more ways than we care to admit.
I love your sentence “It only takes one person to break the chain”. It is so true. Everybody has the power to stop harmful processes within a family or in the society. It is our responsibility to nominate abuse whenever it occurs. Looking away or pretending not to feel it, is very harming for everybody.
I absolutely love this blog. I have noticed that I often tag myself as the ‘black sheep’ or the ‘outsider’. This seems to give me the perfect excuse to shut others out and hold back how I feel. Your words remind me that I can choose to bring understanding to myself and others and drop the neediness at any time. Thank you.
It is incredibly powerful to bring understanding and a genuine openness to letting someone else just be and I can feel the enormous space it allows to be between two people just in the way you describe your new found relationship with yourself and your family Jacqueline. Thank you for sharing this, it is deeply insightful as to how we we all in-truth hurt when we don’t let another in.
Serge Benhayon’s presentations support us beautifully to let go of any hurts we have and to be more understanding and accepting in our relationships. This is an absolute game changer and has been key to healing many relationships as shared in your awesome blog J. This line really stood out for me and is a great reminder of the power of love – ‘So developing a loving relationship with self first, is developing a loving relationship with everyone, because you bring your ‘loving self ’to your family and to all your relationships. Everyone benefits.’
Isn’t it incredible with how much pressure and expectations we meet people around us, no wonder, that fighting and protection are the result. So beautiful to see and feel from your blog that we can live differently, if only we choose to and what an amazing effect this can have on our lives and those of everyone around us.
Amazing changes can occur when just one party in a relationship lets go of the stories and the hurts, and is able to just accept where everyone is at. This can change long held patterns in a moment and begin the ripple effect into all our relationships.
I am learning daily that there is always an opportunity to choose love – a deeper truer form of love that sees a person with all that they have to offer the world.
Thank you J for sharing so openly and honestly. What stood out for me was how powerful it is when we take responsibility, heal our hurts, move ourselves out of the way and connect to the love we know we are. With this we bring our loving quality wherever we are and as you said – ‘opened up the space between us and gave me a clear picture of her’. It is beautiful and inspiring how you connected with your mother through love as the healing that followed for you both is a true blessing of love.
Absolutely Carola, how beautiful it is to get a true and clear picture of someone when we have love in our hearts and have brought understanding instead of judgement and expectation.
I love to see that how we are ourselves with people has such a huge impact on how people are with us. Like your experience with your family that was totally different from the last time. I know this very well too, I often did not say much because I thought people did not like me and in return they did not say much to me either. Later I realised how it must have been for them, me not speaking often may have looked as though I was not interested in them either. When I became more open to other people it totally changed the experience as well, it turned out most people liked me after all, it was just me that didn’t like me in full before. Thank you Jacqueline for sharing.
It is so healing to be able to truly connect, love and appreciate who we truly are ourselves and to not rely on others to tell us this. I feel that I still have some expectation of my family in this way and your sharing has raised this for me to look at. Thank you.
Jane I was the black sheep of my family too. In fact I still am however it is no longer a terrible thing either for myself or my family. The shift like in your case has gradually happened by embracing “the Way of The Livingness’ presented by Serge Benhayon through Universal Medicine. A way, as you so eloquently describe, “… that develops a loving relationship with self first” A way in which I was more open, honest and loving with myself and with others, which allows people to be honest, open and loving back”.
I never thought my relationship with my family would change – it is like magic when these shifts occur, but at the same time very simple.
When we’re not clouded by our own ills, we reflect more to others. When we don’t hold back, we share deeply, which opens our heart for others to step into if they choose. I too have had similar experiences as described in this blog – may each visit to see family be more and more healing.
Absolutely J McFadden, what you shared here is tremendous to feel the connection with your self, and not need anything from anyone, to just ‘be’ with your family to enjoy them and accept them without anything in return, as with that came the understanding towards others and yourself without judgement. To feel so deeply that we are all equal. How beautiful is your sharing this account of your life and the ripple affect you have on them and on so many a we truly hold our hearts open in love.
Very true J – ‘ When you understand and accept yourself, you can understand and accept others; and when you are honest, open and loving with yourself, and with others, it allows people to be honest, open and loving back’
It is the ripple effect that you can have when you start making choices for yourself that hold such power, it completely changes the responsibility we have to be open and let go of our previous hurts for in doing that so too can others be inspired to and therefore the foundation of protection and sadness that the relationships sit on can begin to brake down.
I found there were multiple insights for me reading this blog. What stood out was your comment around self worth and how this leads to so many expectations being placed on others to meet our needs. But also very importantly, when we are honest enough to acknowledge these expectations, what is clearly exposed is any self doubt surrounding our knowing, that inside we are already everything we are seeking and so can meet our own needs.
Wow, what a beautiful blog Jacqueline, and I love the way that you express! When we become caught up in a cycle of blame it often feels like we can’t see the wood for the trees. When we begin to accept ourselves it opens up an understanding within and allows us to see the bigger picture.
Incredible blog, Thank you for sharing this. I can so relate to how you feel about being invisible. I grew up with very similar family belief that boys are more important than girls. For me, being the youngest of six children and being a girl, I was pretty quiet as a child, ‘invisible’ is a great way to describe it. I chose to played small and not stand out or course too much attention. I love your blog, how you accepted your family for who they are, opened up a deeper relationship and connection. I too need to learn this way of being, to accept and open up my heart without judgment or expectations for things to be a certain way. To just be myself and not to hide or hold back who I am.
Beliefs such as described here can have such an impact on the way people are in relationships, the way they relate to themselves and the way they are in life.
The only way to stop these beliefs from shaping generation after generation is to heal the hurts beneath and make different hooves to what you’ve grown up knowing and thinking was ‘the way.’
This whole blog was gold to me, but one particular reminder in there that feels key to me is to recognize that we are enough.
PS. I have always referred to myself as the white sheep of my family (of origin) I too come from a family of heavy drinking, and harsh criticism.
The points you raise here are massive J McFadden, and in doing so reverses the way of holding back and not speaking out that is so often the way within families, and therefore also within the relationships we form within our communities. I can wholeheartedly relate, for me within my own family communication was not our strong point, yet each and every one of us felt so very deeply. In holding back what needed to be said was like trying to lid a steaming kettle, after a point it’s going to blow the top right off. So what was not being said often spoke louder than what was. My understanding of ‘Expression is Everything’ continues to deepen with every step I take to break that cycle of ‘keeping a lid on it’, of not expressing, and it is with the greatest appreciation for Serge Benhayon’s extraordinary work that supports me with this.
J this is such a beautiful blog to re-read, the words that struck me were “you bring your ‘loving self ’to your family and to all your relationships. Everyone benefits.” To love yourself to no longer hold onto ideals or beliefs – you truly set yourself free to be the true you, the you you naturally already are.
It is beautiful to read the power and ripple effect of what you have chosen for yourself and the love, understanding and acceptance you feel. It is a testament to the enormity of what Universal Medicine presents that long carried hurts and painful relationships can be healed through your commitment to choose to embody and live these qualities.
I came across your amazing blog again J. I’m seeing more, how to seek acceptance from others and to blame others for struggles in life can be a real trap and complication which stops me from living my joy and true potential.
Thank you for nominating that in quite a few cultures women and girls have been made less than men for generations. It still affects a lot of women in the way that we try to be accepted as equals by behaving like men instead of reconnecting to our sacredness as women. This brings me to amother great teaching brought to us by Serge Benhayon that we are all equal and that women have a natural stillness and nurturing energy that is very much needed today.
Thank you for sharing the Grace of coming back to you and connecting from there with your mother and others. It is life changing, profound and naturally simple at the same time.
This is really beautiful J McFadden. You show the power of acceptance, understanding and allowing of others in their choices, to have more than just an impact in this life, but also for the future. Bringing it back to healing and loving ourselves really does benefit everyone around us.
We live so unconsciously of the things that we carry from childhood. I have found huge changes have occurred in my relationships with my family since I started attending Universal medicine presentations. It is all common sense and yet no one I had met up until Universal Medicine really lives this.
We know we need to love ourselves and yet we don’t seem to know how to go about this. We can end up spending our life in patterns set up in childhood, often unconsciously blaming our parents and family for everything. Understanding we are responsible for all our choices, including the family we come into is revelatory and allows us to develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and our family.
I agree Fiona, all these assumptions, hurts and judgement we carry about our families. It is amazing how quickly relationships change once we change within them.
Jacqueline an awesome sharing that brought tears to my eyes. I can feel the love you now have for yourself and how this love has offered a healing to your mother and everyone in your family. Very Inspiring indeed!
Thanks for the blog, it definately gives me a different perspective on the relationship I have with my mother
When we care and love ourselves we show ourselves that we are fully capable of caring and being the love that we are without needing another to do it for us. What I am also learning is that by being open with myself, and this reflecting in others being open with me, it is showing me how each person is not their own island. While it is great to feel that love within ourselves, being open to another expression of that same love from another is even better, because one in love feels amazing but two in love while together, feels grander. I am discovering that there is so much to appreciate about myself and what others can share when they too are open with me. It takes away the focus from all the negative past behaviours and words we have used, which, like you understood with your mother – have just been reactions to situations also now past, but still playing out today unresolved. We never grew up and were taught to accept and appreciate ourselves, or others, but how cool is it now that we have living experiences through this practice of what Universal Medicine has presented, and how Serge Benhayon’s family live together as living role models.
Your trip home enabled you to re-imprint the relationship with your mother and other family members, and what a beautiful healing you all received as a result.
Absolutely J McFadden, what you’ve shared here is tremendous, in terms of the real and potential ripple effect upon so many, when old patterns that have only brought grief and division can be truly let go. Reading your blog, I was reminded of how someone completely ‘judged me wrongly’ today, and I realised that there is no point whatsoever in personalising this, i.e. going into the pain of being misunderstood… but rather, recognise it at its outset, and see that only via undealt with hurts and pain that this person holds, can they see things through such a false filter.
I can continue to expand my own expression, yes, and yet there are also times where the deeper understanding and acceptance such as you write so eloquently about, are all that’s needed. There is nought cast ‘upon us’ is there, if we truly hold our hearts open in love.
Thank you Jacqueline and Victoria, as the fist born boy I relate to your blog. It brings a deeper understanding about life by allowing others to have free will so they can make their own choices in life. Providing the space, which allows someone to choose without judging them, brings such a harmonious moment that is felt by everyone and this happens within all our interactions every day. Thanks to the inspirations from Serge Benhayon who has provided the platform that allows so many to now reconnect to Brotherhood and Harmony.
Absolutely gregbarnes888. Re-visiting this blog, J McFadden’s words here are a stand out: “I feel the full circle of life is that we live, we die, we come back and we do it all over again…with each generation passing beliefs down to the next as previously shown, and round and round in circles we go. It only takes one person to break the chain…”
Any one of us can break the chain of patterns and beliefs that don’t truly hold us all equally, and in the deepest respect we all deserve.
Absolutely Victoria it is almost like a merry-go-round that never stops and is never going anywhere, with free will we have a choice to step off and step up at any time!
“There is naught cast upon us is there, if we truly hold our hearts open in love’ – that is the absolute truth Victoria. I have come to learn that everything is a reflection of where I am at, how I am with myself, how i hold myself and how open and loving I am with my attitudes and actions towards others. Your beautiful words take the victim mentality out of relationships and replace it with self-empowerment. Lovely.
That is awesome Jeannette, and thank-you. And yet in this, we must remain vigilant and honest with what hurts us, mustn’t we? Our openness and true holding of others in love is something that is ever deepening, and only possible via our dealing with our hurts, and also seeing that they are likely to be far more than ‘the person in front of us’ whose words or actions may affect us.
All a constant learning, and I have to say, it is nothing short of amazing – through the work of Universal Medicine – to be able to understand and appreciate it all from such a place.
Beautifully said Victoria,”There is nought cast ‘upon us’ is there, if we truly hold our hearts open in love”. This is powerful and highlights why contracting our heart is never protecting us from others hurts, it’s love that heals and empowers. The choice to remain open and in touch with your own innate wisdom and amazingness rather then reliant on the recognition of others feels liberating and frees us from past patterns. The more I learn to trust who I am in essence and allow this to be expressed, the more I feel I allow my heart to be open to love and less focused on the recognition and approval of others. This places me in a position to then accept others and myself as I do not need them to be a certain way for my heart to remain open, when I know the source of love is within and not found in others approval.
Deeply appreciating your sharing here Nicole. It is for sure, an ongoing process of deepening in acceptance – of ourselves, others, of ‘what makes people tick’…
Connecting with the fundamental tone of God’s love is what I’ve found essential in this – even if it takes a time to work through something personally, through the grace of Serge Benhayon’s teachings and deep inspiration, I know today that Love is ever-there to return to, and how I can support myself via the way I am with my body and myself in my day, to deepen in such a way – that is, actually hold myself as lovingly as is possible.
Acceptance, understanding… and deep appreciation for our own willingness to truly return to the love that is within, and ‘be love’ in our lived way… No more could be asked from the true student of the Ageless Wisdom, who is committed to all.
Thank you J McFadden I could relate to much of what you described growing up. I had a strained relationship with my mother too and it is only in the last few years that it has turned around and this is because like you, I have stopped judging myself and through that stopped judging others. This has made such a difference to how my mother and I are with each other. Before there was always a strained undercurrent when we were together, but now that I no longer judge my mother and see her as a person, we are now beginning to enjoy each others company. This all changed when I decided to ask my mother what her childhood was like during the war and it reminded her of things she had forgotten. What I recognised is that we had never really connected as two people, we had got stuck in a mother daughter relationship with me holding onto my childhood hurts. Like you say it just takes one to break a cycle that has been happening for life times.
When we hold onto our hurts it stops us from connecting to ourselves and others. I feel with family, we tend to not express how we feel and those hurts just keeps building up. Sometimes it gets so much that we then choose to disconnect from each other completely. If we all learn how to truly express from our hearts, express without reaction or judgement what we end up with is complete harmony. I am learning to express with truth and love. The more I am aware of the times when I am not doing this the closer I will get to learning to truly express. It is so awesome to finally find the answers to all our hurts and issues on a personal scale and even world-wide. The answer is expression of truth. Serge Benhayon, his family and Universal Medicine presents that ‘Expression is EVERYTHING’. Amazing! So true.
Choice is a powerful thing as expressed so beautifully in this blog. We hold the power to lock in our future and to keep the ‘what is not’ alive in our lives and the lives of all around us. The willingness to expose the lies and old beliefs, to bring up the old hurts and patterns, to build our awareness of the pain as it shows itself, releases the control these things have over us. The only thing then exposed is the ‘Fullness’ of who we truly are. Holding this truth in tenderness and preciousness means holding all others in the same way. Thanks J McFadden for your honest and healing blog.
Thank you J McFadden for sharing the power of healing and dealing with your own issues. Myself and countless others have seen huge benefits and changes in our lives after attending presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Thank you Jacqueline for writing this article. I too grew up with knowing that my brother was more important to my mother than I was and that therefore boys were worth more than girls. When I understood that her own father desperately wanted a son, and called her Joan as the nearest thing to John, that she too had felt lesser because she was a girl and when she had a son this gave her greater estimation in her father’s eyes. In understanding what was underneath the difference I felt from my mother I was able to let go of the resentment but it was not until I attended presentations by Serge Benhayon at Universal Medicine that I fully and truly accept myself and all females as equal.
I am here getting really still, feeling the depth of your story. So graceful you walk your path, you yourself are inspiring 1000s.
Thank you for such a beautiful blog. I have also experienced what you share in that as I have changed and grown to accept and respect myself and others, all my relationships have changed and healed in the ways you describe.
Reading your blog reminded me of a conversation I had with my own mother some years ago before she passed away – she told me that she only kept trying for babies so that she could have a son and she went on to have five daughters. She didn’t want to be pregnant that many times but wanted to give my father a son and she had a belief that a son would look after her, as sons loved their mothers more. So, I didn’t have to look that far into her past to see that this belief had been passed down from her parents. Somewhere in her youth she had picked up that girls were seen as less and boys were valued.
It is great to read how self acceptance can be a key that opens up the possibility of healthy relationships within the family.
Thank you J McFadden, your blog reminds me that the only thing you can truly change in any relationship with another, is yourself.
Beautiful, Jacqueline. “Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time” – what I am also learning is that when what I accept as myself, is nothing less than glory, all my so called issues fall away.
Beautiful sharing J. I love how you show the simplicity of taking responsibility and how this has a massive ripple effect over generations.
Exactly Rachel, I love that too, the ripple effect of making loving choices is huge and very beautiful to see here in this blog.
Exactly Rachel, it is really amazing how we can take responsibility for our own lives, observe and not judge others but rather bring love and understanding, and the effects are so far reaching they are virtually immeasurable.
Great realizations. A great example of the breaking down of an old generational belief systems. How empowering by the change in you and the compounding effect on others. This is very enriching. Thank you J McFadden .
It is extraordinary how ideals and beliefs can literally be bred into generations, until one person discovers a different path and chooses to go with the truth – in this case that we are all equals and that boys are not more important than girls. There were clearly other issues occurring in your family which you are also making peace with, but your choice to not carry on the tradition of previous generations beliefs is incredibly powerful. How wonderful for you to find and accept the truth, and bring this healing to your whole family
I really enjoyed reading this post, and can completely relate to what you say about sibling ‘pecking order’. The evolving of your relationship with your family is just beautiful and agree through acceptance via understanding (and not self-judgment/judgment of others) helps us to let the past go, and embrace the what is. As the saying goes “live and let live”.
Your story gave me goosebumps. It’s very inspiring to read about the ripple effects of love you created from your understanding and your love toward yourself. I love this, and couldn’t agree more: “Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time.”
A great demonstration of the fact that for things to truly change on the outside and not just be cosmetic, we need to address the disconnection to ourselves first.
Wonderful blog. Seeing your mum without the baggage. I also used to see my mum mainly with her baggage, not understanding her choices. Since I have dropped that I need something from her or have a judgment, just like with Jacquelines mum, it all opened up. For me the most important lesson was to let people make and have their choices and respect that we all, including my mum, have their path, their past experiences and most important they have a heart to open up, when I open up to myself and let other in.
This is a great blog. It is very rich and enriching. It shows clearly how devastating and embodied beliefs are. It clearly shows the power of self-acceptance and the importance of Understanding and Allowing people to be where they are. This blogs transpires healing
Accepting, understanding and allowing; such a simple yet oh so powerful message for us all J McFadden. Thank you for your beautiful expression and inspiration.
Thank you J McFadden your story touched me deeply .
Beautiful. Change in the world and in humanity is so evident and possible when reading your blog. You broke such a massive belief held in your family and as you said – it only takes one person to break the chain. That was a strong chain to break and it took one person to make self loving choices and snap – it breaks.
Theres a great deal to appreciate in this blog, but what stood out for me were four simple words: ‘We are all equal’. Acknowledging this, feels like it was a deeply tender moment for you J McFadden. What a healing it would be for our wider family, all 7 billion+ of us, if we accepted and started to live from this fact.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder, that when we don’t judge, the world opens up towards us and being together in harmony is possible.
Awesome J McFadden. It’s great to break the cycle of beliefs in families. Your children and your children’s children will now be able to grow without having that as a huge influence in their life !
I have felt like a black sheep in my family as well and I can relate to how bringing understanding and acceptance to yourself helps to lessen the feeling of being not enough or different within the family. Thanks to attending Universal Medicine I am now much more at ease with myself and so much more at ease around my family, and have the best relationships I have had with them since ever.
What a cool blog J McFadden, it really shows us the healing power that we have when we start to heal our hurts and express our true selves in a loving way. It allows others to feel safe to do the same through the reflection they get. I have seen this with people and family by the virtue of being open honest and not so guarded, people naturally feel to do the same. Viola !
Yes it takes time to fully accept another for where they are at and always in this brings such love between each other. What a relief to stop making them want to be a certain way for us.
Accept Understand and Allow. Simple words and yet so very powerful. Thanks for your beautiful blog Jackie.
“It was like she ‘saw me’ for the very first time, and maybe that was because I ‘saw her’ for the first time.” It is incredibly healing for all involved when these moments occur. And it is beautiful that when we reconnect with ourselves without needing anything from anyone we allow a space for truly seeing one another.
Thank you Jackie for reminding me about my own neediness and self worth begins with me first.
As a society we are all crippled by hurts like these, we can heal them all and now is the time.
Your blog has reminded me that the only part I can take responsibility for in a relationship is mine. Thank you
I love your three points you made Jackie, Connecting to yourself, the fact “I didn’t ‘need’ anything from my family at all” and that “I accepted my family and my mother for who they are.” I spent so much of my life wanting acceptance from others, when I didn’t accept myself. The same with love – how would anyone love me if I didn’t love myself? Re-reading this blog has supported me a lot this time of year, when family is around. Just letting everyone be who they are – no expectations.
Great blog, I wonder how many similar beliefs are held around the world. This blog brought me a true healing as I was able to recognise the similarities in my life and felt very freeing just to let go of what I was still holding in my body. Thanks
Thank you for sharing the amazing transformation in your relationships with your family because of your choice to connect to yourself and let go of needing anything from them. I have found it so freeing to be able to see and accept other people for who they truly are and let go of centuries old ideals and beliefs that keep us apart. As I have overcome my inability to express relationships have blossomed and I feel I have so much more to give now that I am letting go of my neediness.
I have recently been making changes to my relationship with some of my family members. I realised I had been seeing them out of a sense of duty and so our meetings were always superficial and had no depth or meaning. When I began to recognise this, and that if I wanted this to change then it was me that needed to change, and as you say break the cycle. So 6 months ago I asked one family member about her childhood and what it was like growing up in the 1920′ and 30’s I began to see them in their true light and not someone that I had a duty to see, I had for the first time in my life met this family member for they were. We talked about my childhood and I got to understand many things about myself and the ideals and beliefs that I carried that had got in the way of our relationship. Our relationship is more equal now, and there is more honesty in the way we talk to each other.
The knock-on effect of starting to love yourself is amazing – it does change everything. As you so rightly say J Mcfadden, by healing our hurts our relationships transform and we allow ourselves to just be, thus allowing others around us to also just be.
Thank you for sharing J Mcfadden this is a gorgeous blog. I too have been caught in the cycle of judgement and criticism towards my family, looking back I can see it did nothing but make matters worse and create separation between us.
“Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judgeing, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time” These words of wisdom are gold! Thank you J Mcfadden.
Wow this is such a great article JMcfadden. I have been very judgemental and critical of my family in the past, I find it deeply inspiring that you “accepted my family and my mother for who they are’. and ‘Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time. My family felt my non-judgement, which allowed them to open up to me.’ – Truly beautiful!
Thanks J Mcfadden for such a beautiful blog. I loved reading it and was drawn to this sentence ‘Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful, so liberating, and also empowering to oneself at the same time.’ This too has been my experience as a result of attending the workshops presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
What an extraordinary article…”Accepting people, Understanding them and Allowing people to have their choices without judging, is so very, very powerful”. I have found this a really inspiring read. I’m going to stay with my family in NZ shortly and will be going with a whole different attitude now, what a healing. Thank you so much.
A beautiful story, thank you for sharing. I have always felt like the black sheep in my family, so this is very inspiring and shows me how to break that feeling, and that to work on myself, can help bring me closer to my family. Off to a family event tomorrow, and now very much looking forward to it…
This is truly beautiful and very inspiring. Thank you for sharing how in accepting yourself first and loving yourself first you got to feel true love for your mother.
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you so much for this post. I had such a fun time with my family recently and much of that was due to you pointing out one or two things I hadn’t realised I did or how much I was attached to what they did. What a change.
Black sheep, white sheep… we’re all gorgeous. 🙂
Thank you J McFadden, what a power full change you have made to your life. To be able to truly and fully heal your relationships is the most valuable thing in the world.
Nearly all of us have similar behaviour where need our parents to be different. I thought I had gotten over my own parent issues, but after reading your blog it’s inspired me to go deeper, show courage and responsibility, let go of the past, and love unconditionally.
Thank you what a lovely sharing. I used to have a family member who always knew exactly what to say to hurt me. Since I have been attending Universal Medicine events, her comments ceased hurting me at all, although at times I would feel a little sad for her because I could feel how saying such unloving things was actually hurting her… and then even that sadness reduced as I accepted her choices. Now she no longer makes any of these kind of comments to me – so nobody gets hurt, and in fact she opens up and shares what is really going on for her. I would also like to sheepishly add that black sheep are of course as equally lovely as all other sheep.
Hi Jacqueline, heartfelt thanks. Very stilling and inspiring. Made my arrogance stop. And was very healing in terms of bringing up the relationship between me and my mum, again with the power of (self)acceptance, understanding and allowing. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. It’s amazing how the seemingly throw away sentances affect us so deeply, as your example of “look after the boy” clearly shows. I remember my mother (now passed on) saying to me that if my older sister had been a boy then they would not have had me. Another example of how a short sentence can get us to dig deep. This sentence, for me too, allowed insight into all the need and recognition I had sought over the years. As you have expalined as I connect more with me I have been able to connect with my family and see them without judgement. This is a work in progress but the relationship I now have with my father has improved greatly since I have been attending the presentations and courses by Serge Benahyon and healing my own issues.
Thank you for your inspiring blog. I too had a difficult relationship with my mother until I realised that it was me not seeing that I was ‘needing’ my mother to be a certain way. When I realised that the way she is, is because of her German upbringing this allowed me to be me and as a result she is now ‘herself’ more and our relationship has grown closer. She recently said “you have changed Sue, you used to argue and get upset easily, but now you are happy and easy to talk to”. I now truly love my mum. 🙂
You’ve shown us it’s never too late to start healing yourself and for the relationships around you to also start to heal. You are an inspiration, thank you.
Well said Suzanne, we may think to give up on a relationship but by healing ourselves we can heal the connections around us.
Thank you…I really appreciated reading your story. There is so much wisdom in what you have shared with us.
I have a similar story – except that it is totally different. The part that is similar is that I too woke up and saw a pattern that had been handed down for generations and I too choose to break the pattern, thereby freeing my daughter along with myself from passing it on or taking it with us to the next incarnation.
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
They do say that Irish and Serbs are very similar – well, in the case of celebrating boys over girls this is 100% accurate! So much of what you wrote sounded familiar, although my way of dealing was the opposite – I was loud and opinionated and a feminist, extravert, door slammer, foot stomper, the lot – which in truth is not different to you not expressing – just a different version of the same – both our expressions came from the the need to be recognised, noticed, respected, loved. Need, need, need.
We get ‘need’ out of the way and relationships do change drastically.
Thank you J McFadden for letting go of the black sheep…
What a lovely post J…. I can feel how the quality of your relationship changed with yourself, which enabled you to have a different quality of relationship with others. It is so true that love begins with self-love and that this ‘love of self’ – (not the arrogant love of self where one is better than another, but the true love of self that is honouring, accepting, and respectful of self and others equally) – is then brought to relationships. Your post confirms the strong (ingrained) beliefs and ideals that many of us are raised with, but which do not truly serve self or humanity, and how it is possible for us to bring about powerful change by developing a true foundation of expression and honesty based on self-love. Thank you again for sharing..
This is an amazing blog. It reveals something so simple and so profound – the power of reflection. You have shown us that in truly re-connecting, separation at every level is healed, right down to deconstructing a cultural belief/construct that keeps women lesser.
Oh the beauty of the two-way mirror of acceptance from which follows equality, as day follows night.
Thanks J McFadden, I really enjoyed reading your post. I’ve had the same experience with my family as have many others I know who’ve used what Serge presents as the catalyst to deal with their own issues. Then I found, like you, that I could not only accept myself but I could accept them just as they are – because I understood why they were like that.
It is that which allowed loving relationships to open up… not me addressing issues WITH them. Like you expressed so well… they haven’t changed – I have.
Thank you J McFadden, I have also got to experience the joy and playfullness that is present, when I take me, without my judgements and needs, to visit my family, it is nothing short of a miracle.