Finding My Way Back to Love, Finding My Way Back to Me

by Michelle Sheldrake, Brisbane

I have a photo of myself on my bedside table that has travelled with me ever since I first left home at 17. It is a photo of me as a baby, taken when I was about 10 months old. I’m lying on my tummy, arms outstretched, eyes wide with wonder (I guess fascinated by the camera). When I look at this picture I see a beautiful little being, full of wonder and innocence, ready to embrace life. But the clearest reflection for me has always been the feeling of love and joy that I see, especially in my eyes, which just seem to sparkle with some inner knowing.

Through the years I’ve often looked at this photo and asked myself “Where has she gone? What’s happened to that beautiful little girl with the sparkle in her eyes? Why don’t I feel that sense of joy and wonder anymore?” I recently looked at some photos of myself taken when I was at school at about 5 and 6, and I recognised the same joyful innocence, but by about age 8 could feel a change.

As I have been reflecting on this recently I realised that the inner knowing has always been there and for many years it’s been telling me loud and clear that something was missing. Something (well, in fact many things) did happen to that little girl and the way she used to be in the world. So I’ve spent many years searching for that missing thing, trying to find experiences and people that could recreate those feelings – travelling and living overseas, going to university, playing music, trying any number of different new age practices and healing therapies – only to still feel a sense of loss and emptiness. It wasn’t until just over 5 years ago when a friend suggested I see an esoteric healing practitioner that I felt something different. As my body became still I could feel my heart expand, and a sense of warmth, beauty and joy filled my body. There was a deep sense of re-connecting with a part of myself that I hadn’t felt for a very long time, and a knowing that this was true.

I know this now to be the love that has always been there, the very essence of me. It was never truly missing; it just got deeply buried under layers of hurt and protection, self-loathing, and beliefs and ideals about who I should be and what I should do in this world. I’ve spent most of my life being the good daughter, good student, good friend, and most recently the good mother… and judging myself harshly against these standards. All of this was reflected as a hardness in my body, a protection against the world, but also a feeling that it was a shield designed to not allow me to feel the self-abuse I was inflicting upon myself.

I continued having esoteric healing sessions, gradually building my connection back to me. I introduced gentleness and self-love into my life on a daily basis, learning to listen to my body and honour what it needed. I started developing an ability to be very honest about how I was feeling and the choices I’d made.

Not long after starting the esoteric healing sessions, my friend (who had told me about Esoteric Healing) told me about Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I began reading Serge Benhayon’s books, all of which made sense to me and confirmed many things I’d often felt. Again, I realised that that inner knowing has always been with me. I then started attended workshops and healing courses which have only further confirmed my sense of ‘there must be more to life than this’. Of course there is, and it’s not about the things we can have in life, it’s actually in each of us. I remember at the end of my first session with Serge Benhayon being deeply connected to my body, to my inner heart, and I felt myself resting in a beautiful warmth that was emanating from within me. Over time and through my association with Universal Medicine I have developed a clear understanding of how I have made choices throughout my life that have led me away from what is naturally within me – love, joy, stillness, gentleness, harmony.

I’ll admit that for me living love and gentleness on a daily basis can still be a challenge, after all I’m not perfect, (and I no longer strive to be perfect!) but I know that the connection to me is only a gentle breath away and I can again feel the warmth and stillness of love in my body. But best of all, I can now look in the mirror and see the sparkle of joy, love and beauty in my eyes – I have found my way back to me.

A heartfelt thank you to Serge Benhayon and the other wonderful esoteric practitioners associated with Universal Medicine I have seen and continue to see. Each of you provides a truly loving support in my return to me.

214 thoughts on “Finding My Way Back to Love, Finding My Way Back to Me

  1. The hurt and protection, ideals and beliefs that we layer on top of each other is rather like a heavy jacket created to shield us and stop more hurt coming in. But on the flip side, it also stops any of our spunk, our essence and our actual spark that fires us up from coming out and being shared with others too.

  2. In us all lives a light divine as pure and pristine as the day we were born. Our task here on Earth is simply to remove all the layers that have come to stand in the way of our expression of this love.

    1. And to remove those layers is to connect to that ‘light divine’, deepen and develop that connection and the light will dissolve the layers rather than endeavouring to remove the layers from the outside, which never works.

  3. ‘There has to be more to life than this’ requires us to strip away the layers we have built and reconnect to all that is within and allow that out.

  4. My own eyes and being have lit up in reading your blog Michelle… That your sparkle has returned, through your own choices to reconnect to all that you are, and the depth of inspiration and support offered by Universal Medicine and practitioners of the Esoteric Modalities as you’ve referred to.
    Were that everyone should know the joy of such re-connection… In time, yes this will undoubtedly occur – and by the grace of seeing the spark within the eyes of one such as yourself.
    Deeply beautiful, thank-you.

    1. Indeed Victoria. And the world so much needs this and is so desperately looking for it – but in the wrong direction, or has given up on it, replacing it with the next best thing like chocolate, alcohol, a great career or being a mother. This stimulates for a while but will never ever replace that connection to our Joy, Love, Power and many other qualities that are stored in our essence.

      1. Looking in the ‘wrong direction’, or perhaps content with what’s on offer?
        Without the reflection of someone truly shining here as Michelle has offered us, we simply don’t have the reference point to awake us out of what may seem quite an ‘ok’ slumber – we need to remember that there is a depth of joy awaiting us that CAN be consistently lived, if we but say yes…

  5. ‘but I know that the connection to me is only a gentle breath away and I can again feel the warmth and stillness of love in my body.’ The Gentle Breath Meditation has definitely helped me reconnect back to my body, and it is from the connection that I feel from within, that brings me back to the love that I know that I am.

  6. Reconnecting back to feeling our body opens up our awareness to be able to look at our lifestyle choices and honestly take stock of who we are and the life we have created in separation to the innate love we hold within.

    1. If we are honest, yes Linda. For me this honesty was not that easy, as for a long time I looked at those choices as “I did it wrong” – and did not want to go there. Now I deeply know that there is nothing wrong with me, on the contrary, I am innately beautiful, full of love and of divine origins. That makes it easier to look at my past, and my choices and just observe and not judge or criticize.

  7. You have found your way back. And so have I, but it was not easy. The problem being that my life on the surface appeared pretty good, and the things that were not good, I had accepted as normal. But losing one’s connection to our Joy, Love, Playfulness and true Power should never ever be taken as normal. I did not, and this is only the beginning. World here I come!

  8. Thank you Michelle! We are so fortunate to be in connection with Serge Benhayon and the Ageless Wisdom. It has opened my eyes to many things in this lifetime and especially to appreciate and love who I truly am, who humanity as a whole is also, equal Sons of God here on Earth this lifetime.

  9. Great idea to look at a picture of when I was young and see what was already there then and realize that is still there only buried under a layer of protection, ideals, being in the head. I actually found a picture where I am emanating that Love, Joy and Harmony which we all hold within.

  10. Thank you Michelle, I can relate to losing a sense of myself that we see so clearly in childhood photos – that pure inner joy, love and innocence, and an ability to approach the world with a sense of wonder (despite the challenges). I felt completely buried under the experiences of life when I came to Universal Medicine, like yourself I had tried many things to resurrect myself, at the time something felt missing and I didn’t even realise it was me. The Universal Medicine therapies really work as they helped me release all the layers I was buried under, whether it was trauma, roles, emotion, beliefs or ideals, they have supported me to both uncover myself and to reconnect to me. The Gentle Breath Meditation was a big part of that reconnection to me also. It’s an ongoing, at times challenging, but very beautiful process to not just return to myself but return to soul.

  11. A few days ago I had an Esoteric Breast Massage and in that session I felt a deep tenderness I had never felt before. I suddenly realised that this is how I felt as a baby. It has has a huge impact on me as I have never felt the depth of tenderness before and yet it seemed so natural to access.

  12. The sensations around my heart and chest area let me know when I am protecting myself and feel contracted. It hurts feeling the tightness and pain but acknowledging and becoming aware of it helps to let it go and feeling the hurt as to how it came about – dare I go there – truly heals the hardness and protection held in my body.

  13. It is most beautiful to start living in re-connection back to our forgotten, un-lived part of ourselves, knowing full well that it is a choice that has always been available for us to make.

  14. I relate at looking at baby photos of myself longingly and then I had children of my own, low and behold I had the same experience when I observed them. Their freedom, in comparison to the way I felt in my body, it reveled how tight I was wound. Reconnecting with the joy that I naturally had as a child is an ongoing journey, as you state in this blog, we are not perfect but I feel blessed to have role models around me that prove there is a way of living that actually guarantees our natural state of joy.

  15. Beautiful Michelle, thank you for sharing your return to who you truly are, seeing the love and joy emanating from babies is so gorgeous to feel, knowing that this love abides within the heart of every one in the world, is amazing and all it takes is a connection to our essence via the gentle breath and a willingness to heal all the layers that prevent us from shining.

  16. Sometimes I find that simple connection to me is somewhat difficult where my mind is ruling over me with thoughts of “I’m not connected”, “What do I do now?”. In this situation my awareness becomes my all – basically I come back to what I know works and this is my awareness. I’m aware of everything my mind is up to and any part of my body I can feel.

  17. Through pictures of ourselves, we can feel clearly the ups and downs of life and the varying quality of ourselves through that journey if we dare to truly observe. The key, though, is not to judge ourselves but to resurrect the beauty that was and still is inside us.

  18. Realising that we are not broken, we have not lost anything and don’t need to be anything special to feel who we are is a huge step towards our true and every present inner wisdom. Everything is there for us – all we need to do is connect and address what we have put in the way of that connection.

  19. Re-connecting back to our love and truth everything becomes more simple and true, it’s when we are trying to do it on our own and push through life that things get messy and complicated.

  20. Stepping up the joy factor – so many of us live in and with a sense of struggle. Finding our way back to joy and a lightness of being is an important part of the journey back to who we are in full.

  21. “As my body became still I could feel my heart expand, and a sense of warmth, beauty and joy filled my body.” A beautiful confirmation that the love felt in early childhood is always with us just buried under the ‘stuff’ that we have chosen to hide it under.

  22. Its so wonderful Michelle you have made your way back and that little baby of joy and love is untouched and still full of herself.

  23. Beautiful to re-read and confirm that change is possible, we just need to be open to connecting again with that little child’s world again. Sometimes that means we need help from someone as supportive as an Esoteric Practitioner as you did Michelle.

  24. Not to be disrespectful but this was pretty simple, “As my body became still I could feel my heart expand, and a sense of warmth, beauty and joy filled my body.” So all we have ever needed in this world has been not only with us all along but you only need be truly still to see it all again. We chase and create all manner of things when all we need do is actually stop, truly stop and be still. From here or this place everything is revealed and we can wonder no more as we now know, again.

  25. Wow Michelle this reminds me so much about me – always striving to find myself. I used to think putting others first instead of me was it but, it never got me anywhere.

    After many years of searching, after thousands of pounds and dollars later, I stumbled across an esoteric practitioner who I saw for sessions. There was something different about the sessions compared to other sessions with other modalities – they took me to a depth of healing no other has touched. I started to discover myself, I started to find my way back to myself.

  26. Choosing to live love and gentleness every day is key to building a deeper awareness of how we are truly feeling and a warmth in our body that expands the more we stay present with ourselves and move from this true quality.

  27. The Way of The Livingness invites all that are interested, to explore the wonderment we felt as children, in everyday life as an adult. This way we can enjoy life everyday rather than reminisce over a photo, for we can hold all the wonderment that a baby photo contains in the way we live.

  28. Thank you Michelle for your lovely sharing and for beautifully highlighting how our inner child never leaves us and is always there shining forth when we live from a place of innocence and love.

  29. I love to re read your sharing and I thank you for the reminder that we are never lost to our inner most and the love that is within.

  30. So true that our inner knowing and with it joy of life comes from within us. I spent years, and I am sure life times, looking outside of myself to provide me with answers and fulfilment only to find it within myself with the loving support of Serge & Simone Benhayon and all who are associated with Universal Medicine. The Kingdom of God truly resides within.

  31. One of the keys to always hold as an eternal student of oneself, is the fact that we are already everything we need to be within. Therefore there is no trying to ‘be’ something or someone when we already are, we are just learning to let it out into our everyday.

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