Finding My Way Back to Love, Finding My Way Back to Me

by Michelle Sheldrake, Brisbane

I have a photo of myself on my bedside table that has travelled with me ever since I first left home at 17. It is a photo of me as a baby, taken when I was about 10 months old. I’m lying on my tummy, arms outstretched, eyes wide with wonder (I guess fascinated by the camera). When I look at this picture I see a beautiful little being, full of wonder and innocence, ready to embrace life. But the clearest reflection for me has always been the feeling of love and joy that I see, especially in my eyes, which just seem to sparkle with some inner knowing.

Through the years I’ve often looked at this photo and asked myself “Where has she gone? What’s happened to that beautiful little girl with the sparkle in her eyes? Why don’t I feel that sense of joy and wonder anymore?” I recently looked at some photos of myself taken when I was at school at about 5 and 6, and I recognised the same joyful innocence, but by about age 8 could feel a change.

As I have been reflecting on this recently I realised that the inner knowing has always been there and for many years it’s been telling me loud and clear that something was missing. Something (well, in fact many things) did happen to that little girl and the way she used to be in the world. So I’ve spent many years searching for that missing thing, trying to find experiences and people that could recreate those feelings – travelling and living overseas, going to university, playing music, trying any number of different new age practices and healing therapies – only to still feel a sense of loss and emptiness. It wasn’t until just over 5 years ago when a friend suggested I see an esoteric healing practitioner that I felt something different. As my body became still I could feel my heart expand, and a sense of warmth, beauty and joy filled my body. There was a deep sense of re-connecting with a part of myself that I hadn’t felt for a very long time, and a knowing that this was true.

I know this now to be the love that has always been there, the very essence of me. It was never truly missing; it just got deeply buried under layers of hurt and protection, self-loathing, and beliefs and ideals about who I should be and what I should do in this world. I’ve spent most of my life being the good daughter, good student, good friend, and most recently the good mother… and judging myself harshly against these standards. All of this was reflected as a hardness in my body, a protection against the world, but also a feeling that it was a shield designed to not allow me to feel the self-abuse I was inflicting upon myself.

I continued having esoteric healing sessions, gradually building my connection back to me. I introduced gentleness and self-love into my life on a daily basis, learning to listen to my body and honour what it needed. I started developing an ability to be very honest about how I was feeling and the choices I’d made.

Not long after starting the esoteric healing sessions, my friend (who had told me about Esoteric Healing) told me about Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I began reading Serge Benhayon’s books, all of which made sense to me and confirmed many things I’d often felt. Again, I realised that that inner knowing has always been with me. I then started attended workshops and healing courses which have only further confirmed my sense of ‘there must be more to life than this’. Of course there is, and it’s not about the things we can have in life, it’s actually in each of us. I remember at the end of my first session with Serge Benhayon being deeply connected to my body, to my inner heart, and I felt myself resting in a beautiful warmth that was emanating from within me. Over time and through my association with Universal Medicine I have developed a clear understanding of how I have made choices throughout my life that have led me away from what is naturally within me – love, joy, stillness, gentleness, harmony.

I’ll admit that for me living love and gentleness on a daily basis can still be a challenge, after all I’m not perfect, (and I no longer strive to be perfect!) but I know that the connection to me is only a gentle breath away and I can again feel the warmth and stillness of love in my body. But best of all, I can now look in the mirror and see the sparkle of joy, love and beauty in my eyes – I have found my way back to me.

A heartfelt thank you to Serge Benhayon and the other wonderful esoteric practitioners associated with Universal Medicine I have seen and continue to see. Each of you provides a truly loving support in my return to me.

255 thoughts on “Finding My Way Back to Love, Finding My Way Back to Me

  1. “I know that the connection to me is only a gentle breath away and I can again feel the warmth and stillness of love in my body.” A beautiful rediscovery of the natural joy that is within us all.

  2. This has to be one of my favourite blogs to read, it shows the Esoteric way of life so simply, just reconnect to the essence we are (and see so clearly in babies) and take responsibility in daily life to preserve that inner connection. This is a really beautiful line “I felt myself resting in a beautiful warmth that was emanating from within me.” – this is true settlement.

  3. So deeply beautiful to read this again, the spark that a baby has is so clear, the openness, joy, and love, and the essence of our true selves shines brightly, and at some point we lose connection to it. Reconnecting to that spark, to the joy and love, is everything that Universal Medicine represents and supports people with. They are a truly amazing organisation.

  4. This is the most amazing ‘killing two birds with one stone’ – that we find our true self and we find love – the two things we feel lost from and so yearn and seek over life times. And it is right there, so much closer than we ever allowed ourselves to imagine.

    1. Fumiyo this is why low self worth is such an important issue to tackle, when we feel we are not good enough being ourselves is not an option, and we then miss out on the beautiful love within that others truly cannot give to us.

  5. The Love we can put into our walking creates the most glorious movement that becomes essential in our re-connection to our essences. And thus finding our way back to the childlike essences, that we all go search for becomes simpler with a ten minute a day walking program, as presented by Serge Benhayon.

  6. Reconnecting to the joy we knew as young children is amazing and also a sense of coming home to ourselves and thus a feeling of deep settlement.

  7. We often tell children that they shouldn’t rush to hurry up, we remind them how amazing it is to still be so young and innocent. Perhaps we do that because we recognise that we have lost the connection with our own innocence, our own childlike curiosity and openness, and we know how sad it is to live in separation to that. We know how sad it is to live constantly trying to prove ourselves, to be better or to feel like we are enough. It is sad because deep down we are worth more than that, that there’s a preciousness that is innate, yet we choose the opposite every day. Perhaps there’s nothing more sad than that.

  8. I saw some photos recently of me as a toddler being held in my dad’s arms holding a flower, the joy and love shines super bright. This never leaves us – though we can forget this and mourn the past, when actually we are amazing gold that just needs a good polish to wipe away the hurts and disappointments, and learning to live in a way that doesn’t pile that gunk back on.

  9. It’s so lovely to read this again, and it really describes the simplicity of the esoteric way of life, to return to the essence we are (and can see clearly in babies) and learn to live from this whilst we deeply care for and love ourselves. Thank you Michelle.

  10. “I know this now to be the love that has always been there, the very essence of me.” Uncovering and reconnecting to our essence through being honest with ourselves and letting go of the hurts we so often continue to carry through life, the Esoteric Gentle Breath Meditation has helped me bring a stop to all that goes on in my head, and allows me to surrender to the natural flow of my breathing and as I do this I get to feel more deeply how my body is.

  11. It’s amazing over the years how much ‘stuff’ such as our hurts, judgment and ideals that we can layer over and effectively camouflage that sparkle that is the very essence of us.

  12. It is an incredible thing to consider – that a person can grow up into an adult and yet still remain to be the same sparkling gorgeous person that they were as a baby. The Benhayon Family have shown that this is possible, and we can take their lead as the role models that they are and learn how to do this for ourselves, trusting that what is the outcome is something spectacular as lived and shown by them.

  13. All the conditions, the beliefs about what we should do and be in the world are affecting us till we say no and make the choice of living love in our daily basis. However during the most part of my life I was not even aware about the hidden rules of the society in which I grew up and hence I didn’t question any of them. Even though I was not really happy, a comfortable resignation guided my way of behaviour. Working with Universal Medicine and attending the presentations from Serge Benhayon have opened up my awareness about what life is really about, love and Brotherhood. Step by step I realized that I have the power to choose how I want to live my life and that this choice affects me as much as everyone else around. This was a big realization about who I really am and my purpose in this life. Living now is a gift for me, not perfect, but a joyful experience to learn from.

    1. When we choose to release ourselves from the many beliefs we have taken on, the path back to our joyful self opens up.

  14. Reading such a wonderful experience like this inspires me a lot, speaks about me, about all of us. It is personal but universal at the same time. Michelle what you beautifully shared is very relatable with what I lived in my childhood and after with Universal Medcine. The sense of warmth and coming back home by receiving Sacred Esoteric Healing is the same, this confirms the fact that we are one – the same sacred body – returning to our Soul.

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