Finding My Way Back to Love, Finding My Way Back to Me

by Michelle Sheldrake, Brisbane

I have a photo of myself on my bedside table that has travelled with me ever since I first left home at 17. It is a photo of me as a baby, taken when I was about 10 months old. I’m lying on my tummy, arms outstretched, eyes wide with wonder (I guess fascinated by the camera). When I look at this picture I see a beautiful little being, full of wonder and innocence, ready to embrace life. But the clearest reflection for me has always been the feeling of love and joy that I see, especially in my eyes, which just seem to sparkle with some inner knowing.

Through the years I’ve often looked at this photo and asked myself “Where has she gone? What’s happened to that beautiful little girl with the sparkle in her eyes? Why don’t I feel that sense of joy and wonder anymore?” I recently looked at some photos of myself taken when I was at school at about 5 and 6, and I recognised the same joyful innocence, but by about age 8 could feel a change.

As I have been reflecting on this recently I realised that the inner knowing has always been there and for many years it’s been telling me loud and clear that something was missing. Something (well, in fact many things) did happen to that little girl and the way she used to be in the world. So I’ve spent many years searching for that missing thing, trying to find experiences and people that could recreate those feelings – travelling and living overseas, going to university, playing music, trying any number of different new age practices and healing therapies – only to still feel a sense of loss and emptiness. It wasn’t until just over 5 years ago when a friend suggested I see an esoteric healing practitioner that I felt something different. As my body became still I could feel my heart expand, and a sense of warmth, beauty and joy filled my body. There was a deep sense of re-connecting with a part of myself that I hadn’t felt for a very long time, and a knowing that this was true.

I know this now to be the love that has always been there, the very essence of me. It was never truly missing; it just got deeply buried under layers of hurt and protection, self-loathing, and beliefs and ideals about who I should be and what I should do in this world. I’ve spent most of my life being the good daughter, good student, good friend, and most recently the good mother… and judging myself harshly against these standards. All of this was reflected as a hardness in my body, a protection against the world, but also a feeling that it was a shield designed to not allow me to feel the self-abuse I was inflicting upon myself.

I continued having esoteric healing sessions, gradually building my connection back to me. I introduced gentleness and self-love into my life on a daily basis, learning to listen to my body and honour what it needed. I started developing an ability to be very honest about how I was feeling and the choices I’d made.

Not long after starting the esoteric healing sessions, my friend (who had told me about Esoteric Healing) told me about Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I began reading Serge Benhayon’s books, all of which made sense to me and confirmed many things I’d often felt. Again, I realised that that inner knowing has always been with me. I then started attended workshops and healing courses which have only further confirmed my sense of ‘there must be more to life than this’. Of course there is, and it’s not about the things we can have in life, it’s actually in each of us. I remember at the end of my first session with Serge Benhayon being deeply connected to my body, to my inner heart, and I felt myself resting in a beautiful warmth that was emanating from within me. Over time and through my association with Universal Medicine I have developed a clear understanding of how I have made choices throughout my life that have led me away from what is naturally within me – love, joy, stillness, gentleness, harmony.

I’ll admit that for me living love and gentleness on a daily basis can still be a challenge, after all I’m not perfect, (and I no longer strive to be perfect!) but I know that the connection to me is only a gentle breath away and I can again feel the warmth and stillness of love in my body. But best of all, I can now look in the mirror and see the sparkle of joy, love and beauty in my eyes – I have found my way back to me.

A heartfelt thank you to Serge Benhayon and the other wonderful esoteric practitioners associated with Universal Medicine I have seen and continue to see. Each of you provides a truly loving support in my return to me.

234 thoughts on “Finding My Way Back to Love, Finding My Way Back to Me

  1. Beautiful to read this Michelle and very simply expressed about your return to yourself. The beauty of who we are is so obvious in baby and childhood photos. I have also been making my way back to my essence, the true me, and there is so much to become aware of, patterns and behaviours, ways of being that have been developed in place of my true self, and many things to let go of so I can simply live me again.

  2. My feeling is that practitioners in the past were by essence esoteric and at some point it changed into being a spiritual thing and that’s where we deviated into the situation we have now where many practitioners claim to be healing when in truth it might just be an aspect of us wanting that without that being true.

  3. Having the support and understanding that helps us return to ourselves is beautiful because it doesn’t do it for us but empowers us to return for and by our own accord.

  4. Michelle, you offer such a deeply beautiful reflection of the truth that our connection to Soul, to our essence, is always present and always ready to be returned to whenever we are willing.

  5. Returning to the love we are and that we all come from, is a very joyful homecoming and marks the start of our journey of re-connection with our soul. The esoteric healing modalities are super supportive to us on our journey of return to who we truly are.

  6. We definitely need to break the belief that the incredible innocence and spark that we see in young babies is only in young babies, it’s always in us we just learn to cloak it and mask it and shun it, but that incredible openness and sweetness never leaves.

    1. Well said Meg, as the Soul that shines through the eyes of a baby remains unchanged as our bodies develop and mature into adults. It is only that we change our relationship to the connection to our Soulfulness.

    2. It’s definitely a very strong belief that this innocence and purity is something only kids have, and that somewhere along the way they lose it or grow out of it. It’s actually who we are and as an adult I have felt it and lived from it many times myself, not quite consistently yet but that beauty doesn’t leave or change, it just gets separated from and covered up.

  7. Indeed, it only is breath away but make a huge difference, and I really wonder why I do not do that all the time.

  8. Looking at young children and photos of ourselves is always a great reminder of our own love-liness, that we are always love, just not always expressing it. I sometimes react when things don’t go my way or when someone else is reacting and refuses to speak to me – it’s challenging to stay cool and to be love all the time, but then I remember the many tools and techniques presented by Universal Medicine and a few gentle breaths, or a tender touch or a purposeful walk, and love returns. We don’t always understand what is going on, but the more sensitive we allow ourselves to be, the more easily we can read what is going on for others.

    1. I love the simplicity expressed here and it’s so true, we don’t always know what’s going on for others but we can still support ourselves to return to our innate essence of love.

  9. ‘As my body became still I could feel my heart expand, and a sense of warmth, beauty and joy filled my body. There was a deep sense of re-connecting with a part of myself that I hadn’t felt for a very long time, and a knowing that this was true.’ beautifully described Michelle, this is exactly what we all can experience by having an esoteric healing session.

  10. Every word of your sharing speaks about my experience too Michelle. How I feel in my body today, after Universal Medicine, is very different of how I felt before. Today I can recognize in my eyes the sparkle of joy that I had when I was a little girl, I can enjoy again being as delicate, tender and beautiful as I am. By seeing my living experience I deeply appreciate it and feel encouraged to stay walking in this way back to love, to me.

  11. I reckon everyone is who able to (who has a photo of themselves as a baby) should have this with them as a reminder of the gorgeousness we truly are, then as you did, we can parent ourselves by looking at the photo and wanting the absolute best for the baby we see, so then give this to ourselves ✨ Universal Medicine indeed confirm there is so very much more to life than we are currently living.

  12. Thank you Michelle, so lovely to read this again. I agree, I also tried everything known to man including the spiritual new age modalities yet years later I had the same experience of still feeling that “sense of loss and emptiness.”, that was there at the beginning of my journey searching for healing and truth. And what a great line here ” ‘there must be more to life than this’. Of course there is, and it’s not about the things we can have in life, it’s actually in each of us.” It’s so, so simple if we look within.

  13. Our inner knowing communicates very clearly when something is out of sync with the natural flow and rhythm of our body. It is up to us whether we want to listen to what it is telling us, or not. I have found that the more willing I am to be aware, the more my body communicates and responds to each level of tenderness and care I choose for myself.

  14. One of the keys to always hold as an eternal student of oneself, is the fact that we are already everything we need to be within. Therefore there is no trying to ‘be’ something or someone when we already are, we are just learning to let it out into our everyday.

    1. ‘there is no trying to ‘be’ something or someone when we already are’ exactly Joshua. This is what inspired the most by receiving the first workshop from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. There was nothing outside to reach, nothing to improve or fix in me, just my free choice to reconnect back within, a space where everything is complete and full of love. I can’t describe in words enough the joy experienced of that moment.

  15. So true that our inner knowing and with it joy of life comes from within us. I spent years, and I am sure life times, looking outside of myself to provide me with answers and fulfilment only to find it within myself with the loving support of Serge & Simone Benhayon and all who are associated with Universal Medicine. The Kingdom of God truly resides within.

  16. I love to re read your sharing and I thank you for the reminder that we are never lost to our inner most and the love that is within.

  17. Thank you Michelle for your lovely sharing and for beautifully highlighting how our inner child never leaves us and is always there shining forth when we live from a place of innocence and love.

    1. Beautiful Elizabeth. Living from a place of innocence and love allows us to be reminded of the simplicity in which we moved, expressed and lived with once before. These moments, when we remember are very special as they bring us back to who we really are.

  18. The Way of The Livingness invites all that are interested, to explore the wonderment we felt as children, in everyday life as an adult. This way we can enjoy life everyday rather than reminisce over a photo, for we can hold all the wonderment that a baby photo contains in the way we live.

  19. Choosing to live love and gentleness every day is key to building a deeper awareness of how we are truly feeling and a warmth in our body that expands the more we stay present with ourselves and move from this true quality.

  20. Wow Michelle this reminds me so much about me – always striving to find myself. I used to think putting others first instead of me was it but, it never got me anywhere.

    After many years of searching, after thousands of pounds and dollars later, I stumbled across an esoteric practitioner who I saw for sessions. There was something different about the sessions compared to other sessions with other modalities – they took me to a depth of healing no other has touched. I started to discover myself, I started to find my way back to myself.

  21. Not to be disrespectful but this was pretty simple, “As my body became still I could feel my heart expand, and a sense of warmth, beauty and joy filled my body.” So all we have ever needed in this world has been not only with us all along but you only need be truly still to see it all again. We chase and create all manner of things when all we need do is actually stop, truly stop and be still. From here or this place everything is revealed and we can wonder no more as we now know, again.

  22. Beautiful to re-read and confirm that change is possible, we just need to be open to connecting again with that little child’s world again. Sometimes that means we need help from someone as supportive as an Esoteric Practitioner as you did Michelle.

  23. Its so wonderful Michelle you have made your way back and that little baby of joy and love is untouched and still full of herself.

  24. “As my body became still I could feel my heart expand, and a sense of warmth, beauty and joy filled my body.” A beautiful confirmation that the love felt in early childhood is always with us just buried under the ‘stuff’ that we have chosen to hide it under.

  25. Stepping up the joy factor – so many of us live in and with a sense of struggle. Finding our way back to joy and a lightness of being is an important part of the journey back to who we are in full.

  26. Re-connecting back to our love and truth everything becomes more simple and true, it’s when we are trying to do it on our own and push through life that things get messy and complicated.

  27. Realising that we are not broken, we have not lost anything and don’t need to be anything special to feel who we are is a huge step towards our true and every present inner wisdom. Everything is there for us – all we need to do is connect and address what we have put in the way of that connection.

  28. Through pictures of ourselves, we can feel clearly the ups and downs of life and the varying quality of ourselves through that journey if we dare to truly observe. The key, though, is not to judge ourselves but to resurrect the beauty that was and still is inside us.

  29. Sometimes I find that simple connection to me is somewhat difficult where my mind is ruling over me with thoughts of “I’m not connected”, “What do I do now?”. In this situation my awareness becomes my all – basically I come back to what I know works and this is my awareness. I’m aware of everything my mind is up to and any part of my body I can feel.

  30. Beautiful Michelle, thank you for sharing your return to who you truly are, seeing the love and joy emanating from babies is so gorgeous to feel, knowing that this love abides within the heart of every one in the world, is amazing and all it takes is a connection to our essence via the gentle breath and a willingness to heal all the layers that prevent us from shining.

  31. I relate at looking at baby photos of myself longingly and then I had children of my own, low and behold I had the same experience when I observed them. Their freedom, in comparison to the way I felt in my body, it reveled how tight I was wound. Reconnecting with the joy that I naturally had as a child is an ongoing journey, as you state in this blog, we are not perfect but I feel blessed to have role models around me that prove there is a way of living that actually guarantees our natural state of joy.

  32. It is most beautiful to start living in re-connection back to our forgotten, un-lived part of ourselves, knowing full well that it is a choice that has always been available for us to make.

  33. The sensations around my heart and chest area let me know when I am protecting myself and feel contracted. It hurts feeling the tightness and pain but acknowledging and becoming aware of it helps to let it go and feeling the hurt as to how it came about – dare I go there – truly heals the hardness and protection held in my body.

  34. A few days ago I had an Esoteric Breast Massage and in that session I felt a deep tenderness I had never felt before. I suddenly realised that this is how I felt as a baby. It has has a huge impact on me as I have never felt the depth of tenderness before and yet it seemed so natural to access.

  35. Thank you Michelle, I can relate to losing a sense of myself that we see so clearly in childhood photos – that pure inner joy, love and innocence, and an ability to approach the world with a sense of wonder (despite the challenges). I felt completely buried under the experiences of life when I came to Universal Medicine, like yourself I had tried many things to resurrect myself, at the time something felt missing and I didn’t even realise it was me. The Universal Medicine therapies really work as they helped me release all the layers I was buried under, whether it was trauma, roles, emotion, beliefs or ideals, they have supported me to both uncover myself and to reconnect to me. The Gentle Breath Meditation was a big part of that reconnection to me also. It’s an ongoing, at times challenging, but very beautiful process to not just return to myself but return to soul.

  36. Great idea to look at a picture of when I was young and see what was already there then and realize that is still there only buried under a layer of protection, ideals, being in the head. I actually found a picture where I am emanating that Love, Joy and Harmony which we all hold within.

  37. Thank you Michelle! We are so fortunate to be in connection with Serge Benhayon and the Ageless Wisdom. It has opened my eyes to many things in this lifetime and especially to appreciate and love who I truly am, who humanity as a whole is also, equal Sons of God here on Earth this lifetime.

  38. You have found your way back. And so have I, but it was not easy. The problem being that my life on the surface appeared pretty good, and the things that were not good, I had accepted as normal. But losing one’s connection to our Joy, Love, Playfulness and true Power should never ever be taken as normal. I did not, and this is only the beginning. World here I come!

  39. Reconnecting back to feeling our body opens up our awareness to be able to look at our lifestyle choices and honestly take stock of who we are and the life we have created in separation to the innate love we hold within.

    1. If we are honest, yes Linda. For me this honesty was not that easy, as for a long time I looked at those choices as “I did it wrong” – and did not want to go there. Now I deeply know that there is nothing wrong with me, on the contrary, I am innately beautiful, full of love and of divine origins. That makes it easier to look at my past, and my choices and just observe and not judge or criticize.

  40. ‘but I know that the connection to me is only a gentle breath away and I can again feel the warmth and stillness of love in my body.’ The Gentle Breath Meditation has definitely helped me reconnect back to my body, and it is from the connection that I feel from within, that brings me back to the love that I know that I am.

  41. My own eyes and being have lit up in reading your blog Michelle… That your sparkle has returned, through your own choices to reconnect to all that you are, and the depth of inspiration and support offered by Universal Medicine and practitioners of the Esoteric Modalities as you’ve referred to.
    Were that everyone should know the joy of such re-connection… In time, yes this will undoubtedly occur – and by the grace of seeing the spark within the eyes of one such as yourself.
    Deeply beautiful, thank-you.

    1. Indeed Victoria. And the world so much needs this and is so desperately looking for it – but in the wrong direction, or has given up on it, replacing it with the next best thing like chocolate, alcohol, a great career or being a mother. This stimulates for a while but will never ever replace that connection to our Joy, Love, Power and many other qualities that are stored in our essence.

      1. Looking in the ‘wrong direction’, or perhaps content with what’s on offer?
        Without the reflection of someone truly shining here as Michelle has offered us, we simply don’t have the reference point to awake us out of what may seem quite an ‘ok’ slumber – we need to remember that there is a depth of joy awaiting us that CAN be consistently lived, if we but say yes…

  42. ‘There has to be more to life than this’ requires us to strip away the layers we have built and reconnect to all that is within and allow that out.

  43. In us all lives a light divine as pure and pristine as the day we were born. Our task here on Earth is simply to remove all the layers that have come to stand in the way of our expression of this love.

    1. And to remove those layers is to connect to that ‘light divine’, deepen and develop that connection and the light will dissolve the layers rather than endeavouring to remove the layers from the outside, which never works.

  44. The hurt and protection, ideals and beliefs that we layer on top of each other is rather like a heavy jacket created to shield us and stop more hurt coming in. But on the flip side, it also stops any of our spunk, our essence and our actual spark that fires us up from coming out and being shared with others too.

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