I am Worthy. Reclaiming Myself as a Son of God

FROM RELIGIOUS CHILD TO GIVING UP ON GOD

I was a deeply religious child – I felt the immense divinity surrounding me. I remember driving along in the backseat of our family car looking at trees in wonder of how they came to be. I used to pray to God at night because I could feel his presence around me and I wanted to honour that by saying his prayer.

And then I got older and started to see more… I saw the hypocrisy of the adults in the church, e.g. men having extramarital affairs and going up for communion: a Priest who told my teacher I didn’t know what Easter meant because I had not been able to answer a question in confession with him at Easter. I saw this for what it was – a breach in confidentiality. I could feel there was no love in the Priests or the parishioners. I was about 10; I gave up on feeling I was a son a God.

It was my choice to give up on God: fortunately, I now know God doesn’t hold a grudge.

I had to attend Catholic mass for another 5 years. My disillusionment only continued and strengthened my resolve to leave the Catholic Church at my earliest opportunity, which was when I was 15. It was time to make my confirmation, a ceremony that represents a child entering the church as an adult, to which I initially said no. But for the sake of my parents’ relationship with their parents, I made a deal to go through with the farce on the condition that I would never enter the church again. And I never have, apart from the odd wedding and a funeral.

A LINE FROM CATHOLIC MASS… CONFIRMING I AM NOT WORTHY

In the last few years I have started to reclaim my true deeply religious nature, my connection with and to God, but realising that something insidious has been stopping me from fully claiming that I am a living Son of God. And a theme keeps appearing when I even consider writing about religion:

Who am I to write about this?

Little ol’ me? I don’t live well enough, I am simply not good enough to claim I am worthy as a Son of God.

So I have been pondering “Why is that?”… when up popped this – a line from a Catholic Mass: “I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed”.

For those not familiar with the Catholic mass service you say this as a congregation before you receive the sacrament – the body of Christ, symbolised by a wafer of bread.

Pretty powerful stuff when I stop to think about it – and that every week since I was a baby, for about 15 years, I had heard this phrase.

What is the real impact of this line? How has it impacted my life?

Well, the impact is somewhat predictable – just as the phrase had asked of me to keep confirming, I haven’t felt I am worthy of much at all, much less a son of God. I haven’t felt I brought a lot to a situation; I used to drink a lot, party hard and ate what I wanted, not what was supportive of my body, and all these unloving acts I kept choosing continued to further confirm I was not worthy of much.

The second part of this statement, “but only say the word and I shall be healed”, is also deeply troubling to me because as I hear it, it seems as if a magic wand is being waved and all will be ok! But the key is, it’s reliant on someone else waving the said wand. Could there be some major disempowerment going on here? That the power is outside of us, that our relationship with God is outside of us, even though it is clearly stated by Jesus that ‘the Kingdom of God is inside you’.

This of course feeds into God being transcendental and Jesus saving us. Another theme in Catholicism – you can live as you want, confess, pay up and you get your ‘pass into heaven’ card all the same.

When I feel the line “I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed” in my body, my entire being shrinks, contracts and becomes less. It is the OPPOSITE of my experience with what True Religion is and is meant to be.

DONATIONS IN EXCHANGE FOR A PLACE IN HEAVEN?

At my final confirmation ceremony and my final confession in the Catholic church (Note: confession is where you go and see the Catholic priest in a private chamber and confess your sins and he talks to you about it and then gives you penance… normally a certain amount of prayers to be said), I went up to the priest, and when asked what my confession was I stated:

If God is inside us like you tell us He is, why do I have to tell you what I have done wrong? God knows I am remorseful; what is your part, why the third party?”

To which he offered that it’s good to offload to someone else. In the not too distant past, priests were in a position of great power knowing everyone’s secrets and taking donations to help with the parishioners’ pass into heaven. There is a contradiction here: if we are all sons of God as the Church proclaims we are, how come only a few (and only within the Church) are able to ensure others a place in Heaven? And that for a donation!

ACCEPTANCE AS AN EQUAL, WORTHY, LIVING SON OF GOD

In a session yesterday with an Esoteric Healing Practitioner I felt my expansiveness to be that of the whole universe, at a cellular level feeling love, the love of God and its infiniteness.

I now feel I am worthy. We are ALL worthy.

The choices I have been making over the last ten years have been to honour my body on a physical level – not eating or drinking foods that stimulate or stagnate the body. On an emotional level I have learned to observe my reactions and deal with them. All this is an unfoldment, an unending commitment with no end point, no fireworks, just me being me allowing the love that is God and that is me to flow through me.

No perfection required, just my turning up willing to be honest and allow and accept that I am a living Son of God.

My soul recently said to me “NEVER DOUBT YOU ARE A TRUE LIVING SON OF GOD” In writing this, I feel I have realised what has created the doubt was my subscribing to this teaching of the Catholic Church that we are not worthy! Is it possible that this is all a set up to keep us small, to doubt ourselves… but ultimately to doubt our connection to God?

And if so, how insidious is that?

This is not a finger wagging exercise but it is an offering to allow us to take responsibility for our part in allowing ourselves to give up, to accept less than the glory that we truly divinely are.

What if that line from the Catholic Mass is rewritten to say:

“I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.”

I would like to appreciate and acknowledge that the teachings of Serge Benhayon as the founder of a true religion, The Way of the Livingness, has allowed me through the many different presentations of livingness to realise that my true pure divinity has always been living inside me, and the knowing that I am worthy, and a son of God. I am Eternally grateful.

By Vanessa Hawthorne, M.A.  London

289 thoughts on “I am Worthy. Reclaiming Myself as a Son of God

  1. Brilliant article Vanessa and I love your re-written line “I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am – an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.” So very beautiful.

  2. Vanessa, this is so powerful and it blows apart how we have been fooled and asked to sell ourselves to the catholic church, to have our connection to God managed through them and to be encouraged to see ourselves as less than the equal sons of God we are. And how you rewrite that line on worthiness changes it completely and what I feel reading it is that I am back living in the centre of my life and feeling my connection with God’“I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am – an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.”

  3. Thank you Vanessa for writing this excellent blog so clearly. I was also raised in the Catholic Church and went to church all of my childhood and I had not considered the full impact of the words spoken repeatedly in mass had had on me also. I have often struggled with self worth issues and a general doubt of my connection with God and the Universe and what you present here makes so much sense as to how this influence from such an early age has left a mark on me. Obviously it was ultimately my choice to disconnect from what I know is the truth inside my body about my divinity and disempower myself to the Catholic church, but it is very healing to understand more deeply the influences and perhaps the ties that still remain there even though I have not been a practising Catholic for some 22 years.

    1. It is obvious to me that the Catholic Church does not support anyone to realise the fact that we are the Sons of God. Whilst they talk about that we are God’s children, they do not put that into practice.

  4. A great article and one that shows the power of words and how they can be used to keep us small and feeling powerless. I love how you have just turned one line around to break the hold it had on you and to make it true. You haven’t given up on God but reclaimed your relationship with him/her “I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am – an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.” and the clarity that you now have is at least in part from letting go of eating or drinking that which is stimulating or stagnating, this is very inspiring.

  5. Vanessa you have certainly shown the link between a sense of separation and unworthiness before God and the teachings you were exposed to. I read about the penance scam when I was studying history, and realised that there was a deliberate set-up to keep the ‘the flock’ separated from the priesthood and the direct teachings as written – information was controlled. However, I still have carried that sense of unworthiness, which comes from a condition I’ve put on things – just as you have said, I had an idealised picture of what it is to be deserving. I tried very hard to be deserving when I was young, which suggests there was a deep pull to the teachings of Yeshua, but I never could meet the mark and so gave up. Now I know it’s about accepting where I am at all times, there is no perfection, we are all innately sons of God.

  6. I have never had much to do with the Catholic Church or Catholicism but to me it seems to be all about taking you away from your soul and God. I find this is something pretty evil.

  7. The Way of The Livingness resurrects true religion and supports people to be free and understand that they have a choice and what that choice is and not as so many religions teach to give our power away to someone, person or deity, who knows ‘better’.

  8. It shows the power to destroy or the power to heal with words. There are so many sayings, beliefs and ideals that restrict and smother our innate knowing that each one of us is a son of God. I used to have said to me, ‘if you had a brain it would be lonely’. I knew it meant you are stupid or dumb and this undermined many of my decisions. Vanessa, as you showed, that no matter what, we know the truth and therefore know what is not.

    1. Your stating words chosen by the speaker either damage people’s self-concept or support them to heal/confirm/accept their self-worth, so needs shouting from the rooftops. Innately we all know words can go deep, however, the full extent of this is is something most choose to not let truly register in their consciousness. This is what many religions have exploited to help them keep control of the masses throughout the annals of history.

  9. Stunning, the blessing I received from your revised Catholic Mass was felt in my body. I too heard that expression and I didn’t consciously choose to be aware of just how debilitating it is.

  10. The way that that line from the Catholic church undermines, dis-empowers and dis-connects really is abusive we could say – it’s like it’s saying someone will never be good enough and they will always need a confessional or Jesus or something to save them rather than confirming people as being the complete sons of God we all equally are and that we are all our own saviours, each and every one of us, through connection with our innermost.

  11. Thank you for writing this article about religion.
    It is important we talk about the illusion that crept in the common regions.
    Like you wrote what is written in the bible: ‘I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed’. In this you can read and feel how it is asked to give your power away when accepting this text as true. We have to be aware of the delivered thing behind the words.
    God is not waiting for us to give our power away. God wants us to feel that we are part of the divine. ALL of us. And to connect to God is not something outside of us and certainly not find in a building. The connection with God is felt when going into the connection within our own heart.
    To honor our body and live in the quality that makes it possible for the divine to pass through. The way of The Livingness.

  12. This is so brilliant Vanessa and I can relate to your story as I had similar experiences with the Catholic Church myself when I was growing up. Your suggested rewrite for the Catholic mass is gold as there are many passages that could be rewritten in this loving way to remind us that we are the sons of God equally so and the deep connection with all have with God and divinity.

  13. What a great revelation – we are born with God and when we grow up we get it hammered out of us by people that think they represent God. And they think what they are doing is the opposite…

  14. We are all experts on God and have equal opportunity to connect with that energy by virtue of us ALL being, living and breathing within Him. No one is excluded – which shows me how crazy ‘main stream’ religion is to deem a chosen few that are akin to God. This speaks to me of control and manipulation and has nothing to do with the ever present God that holds us all as equals.

  15. I too have not felt worthy of much at all for most of my life and I have seen and am seeing how this plays out in my life. What I find shocking is that by choosing to give my power away to institutionalised religion has been so detrimental to my body and the way I have lived in all areas of my life in that it was impossible to separate going to chapel and listening to the mistruths on Sunday and how this affected me during the rest of the week. Yet this was what I had chosen and thought was the answer to find that nothing could be further from the truth.

  16. What a powerful blog Vanessa and truly healing for I too was brought up in the catholic Irish faith and now I fully understand why I felt so unworthy to receive God’s love….. I love, love, love your re-write: “I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am – an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.” I can feel how these words of truth are re-imprinting anything that still remains from that old, outdated and serving no-one catholic consciousness in my body.

  17. It’s amazing how as a child we are very connected to divinity and how glorious we are, if I look at what has happened since I can ask “what has happened?” For me the simple answer is, we change the way we use our body, because divinity flows in and through the body.

  18. In many areas of life whether it be science, medicine or religion there is a trend towards looking outside of us for the solutions or the support we know we need rather than understanding that we already have the awareness and the support inside of us and through this connection with ourselves we are connected to God and the Universe and an enormous amount of wisdom, joy, love and understanding.

  19. A most beautiful unravelling of being a son of god, that, as your story shows, cannot be taken away from us. There is so much force in this world, but all the while underneath there is always the love that we are and can say yes to.

  20. There’s such a lightness in this blog. It feels cleansing and as for the rewriting of the Mass. True divinity. Thank you Vanessa.

  21. “I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed”. – in terms of self-responsibility, how much does that line offer us the comfort of irresponsibility? Yes, it is disempowering but that only means it is an invitation to give away one´s power and that equals denying one´s responsibility for every choice.

  22. When we give up on God we actually have given up on people that are living in a way that is so much less than what we know to be true in accordance with our true way of being as divine sons of God. Thus we need to restore not just our relationship with God but with people and thereby with ourselves on all levels.

  23. I like the observations you made as a child. It shows very clearly that children are aware of what is going on around them and that we can’t fool them.

  24. I can see from what you have written how the ”priests were in a position of great power knowing everyone’s secrets”; what a perfect position to be in if the church needed a new roof, or if a whole new church, bigger and more ornate, was called for. Wow – for someone who up until now has known very little about the machinations of the Catholic Church, this misused power and the fact that you could offload your sins for a few coins is rather staggering. I am so pleased that my grandfather left this religion way before my father was born as this upbringing is one I would not have wanted for my life.

  25. Something that I always question is, of we can feel the immense divinity around us and within us, what happens to make us feel otherwise?

  26. There are so many things that are contradictory in the world and the way we live but we accept it as we allow the mind to come up with arguments that justify. We have learned to pick and choose but in truth life is a whole and needs to be lived in this wholeness. If we do not understand this we will keep going the way we have, choosing what we ‘like’ and ignoring, fighting or complaining about what we don’t.

    1. Thank you Esther, life for me is in learning to rely on the truth I already know and am within and letting go of giving my power to anything outside of me.

  27. The greatest trick of all is to believe that healing comes through another. To realise and understand that to accept and live the glory a son of God is, is to again know what healing truly is.

  28. If any person repeatedly encouraged someone to state that “they are not worthy” they would be hauled up as being abusive. It begs the question how come this is accepted on behalf of a religious institution?

  29. What you write here is deeply healing on many levels for all of us. How aware are we of the words someone says and the effect they have on us? How often are they buried in our subconscious but influence our conscious? You are not worthy is one, but the feeling that someone is coming to save you is there for so many of us!! ““but only say the word and I shall be healed” This just abdicates our responsibility for our choices – I feel myself hanging on the edge of my seat just asking for that feeling of relief. Fascinating what lies under the surface.

  30. I was also brought up in the Catholic Church and one of the things that I took away was that I was less than God and that God was almost a mythical being. I was also 15 when I stopped going to church, yes for what I saw, but as I reflect I can see that my reaction was that I didn’t believe that I was less. If God was all loving, how could anyone be less? That simply didn’t make sense to me at all. Having studied for some time with Universal Medicine I now have a deeper inner connection to God and therefore understanding. But the most important understanding is that “everything is energy” and that “we are the subjects of energy”. This explained totally all the questions that I had about why I felt the way I did about church-based religion. Our connection to God is totally based on our choices, that’s it. When I am connected, I don’t feel less than anyone, I simply feel like me. If I’m not then self-doubt creeps in and lack of confidence or even feeling like I need to prove myself.

  31. It is sad to feel in a way that as a child we are such bundles of love and joy and deeply connected to God, but we choose to leave this in favour of recognition and the way God is presented by the mainstream religions. It is empowering to feel the love we and God are. It is our choice to go with this and reconnect to the shining joy that we are, and always have been.

  32. Great blog Vanessa, I was totally disillusioned about God from childhood, because I had an expectation of how God should be. I now realise that it was because I was reluctant to take responsibility for my own choices, and that God walks with us, regardless of our choices because he never judges us.

  33. I too grew up within the Catholic church and as a young girl I wanted to be an alter server. I was ridiculed by the priest and told I couldn’t because I was a girl and was not allowed on the altar, that this place was reserved for men. At the time I felt robbed, I felt I had a sense of what Jesus represented and this was not it, I was totally confused and resented the priest and wondered what made him more holy and loving. While I could see this was a farce it also had an impact and I took on that I was less as a girl.

  34. Vanessa your blog exposes the lack of love and self care in most organised religions. You can feel the complete set up one can be held under to never feel their enormous love and equality to all. It becomes a system to abide by through fear, never being offered to feel what true gifts we are. In what you share you can feel how God becomes one to fear, his love becomes conditional, and your movements become contracted as you attempt to squash all your light to fit into a box your told is needed, if you are to be loved by God. A complete sham, as one discovers, if they chose to re-ignite the love within.

  35. Thanks Vanessa for calling out the undermining and the self-sabotaging rituals and prayers continually chanted as part of the Masses of the catholic church. We are all Son’s of God who’s purpose is to be and live the love we are – this is the foundation of true religion, a religion that celebrates everyone of us just as we are – equally.

  36. What really stands out is how well the whole thing is orchestrated to disempower a son of God from all angles. I am not even a Christian and have no experience of confession or any kind of rituals yet what you describe feels very familiar and it is so clear that is how the whole thing is being sustained while we remain unquestioning and submissive to what we get told is right and holy and think we are free to do whatever we want.

  37. I did not grow up with any set Religion, my parents believed in the universe being a powerful thing and that god was love and love was inside you. I was taught that every illness and disease in the body could be healed if we first addressed why it had come to us and what message it held. I was taught that “what will be will be” and that karma was you reap what you sow. I was taught that if I closed my eyes and sat with myself, things would come, strong readings and I should let them flow and read what message was there. I loved baby Jesus as a child and Mum never deterred me from loving him but explained that he was just a man and not what the Church had made him out to be. I find it fascinating to read about all our different experiences growing up and what we are all returning to. What I now know, is no matter what we grow up with, if it is a belief and not a lived way, then it does not carry much weight in the end.

  38. I loved what you shared especially this line “I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am – an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.” a beautiful claiming. I know only too well what you have shared Vanessa, having been brought up a catholic and wanting to serve God from a young age. I carried this unworthiness around within my body for almost sixty years this feeling that I am a sinner and unworthy, affecting every aspect of my life, before coming to know the truth of who we truly are through The Way of The Livingness. In effect what the Catholic religion teaches is separation from our true selves and separation from God thereby giving our power away.

  39. I’ve been reading a lot of blogs centred around the Catholic faith lately and I’m starting to understand why. I’ve always felt I wasn’t ‘enough’ in some way. I didn’t grow up in the Catholic religion but I was exposed to Christen beliefs. You have me wondering what I have really taken on from religion.

  40. The hypocrisy and corruption we observe being played out around us is deeply disturbing; as children we know that people don’t walk their talk and learn that words are cheap.

  41. Vanessa it must have been intense recovering from the ingrained beliefs you were not worthy of being a Son of God. I’m sure such beliefs impact daily choices made in life and could lead to some very self destructive behaviours. I find it disturbing that in the Catholic Church there is such a strong focus on what you did wrong and how you can never be worthy because of this etc, instead of focusing on the actual beauty of who we are and the truth (as delivered by Jesus) that the kingdom of God is within. Perhaps if this truth from Jesus was cultivated and focused on the Catholic Church would lose their false authority and control over others and the money that comes with it, because all we need would come from the connection to God within not from the Catholic religion. There could also be no hierarchical structure because there is absolute equality with all in living connected to God as Sons of God.

  42. Stunning Vanessa. I also grew up in the catholic religion and that dis-empowerment you speak to here is so insidious. It’s only years later having left catholicism, that I began to unpick all it had put on me, and in fact it was in finding The Way of The Livingness that I began to understand what it is to truly be ourselves to back ourselves and know we are Sons of God and to meet God we do so in equalness, never in supplication. We are all part of God and to be less than that is dishonouring of both us and God.

  43. Vanessa, what your are expressing is so apt for me and anyone brought up in a catholic background. All outside of oneself, yet at a deep level as a child, I knew that God was within me. The words “the kingdom of God is within” came back to me later in life, and the gradual unfolding of this has been and is my life time journey with self and others. What power and corruption the church has over its people, as many and I so easily believed that the “Kingdom” can’t possible be within me. Yes a deep self-worth issue prevailing in my life.

  44. When you buy into an established religion as the gateway to God, when you buy into identifying an established religion with religion, and you give up on your religion, you cannot but give up on God. This shows how dangerous is to buy into those false beliefs.

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