I am Worthy. Reclaiming Myself as a Son of God


I was a deeply religious child – I felt the immense divinity surrounding me. I remember driving along in the backseat of our family car looking at trees in wonder of how they came to be. I used to pray to God at night because I could feel his presence around me and I wanted to honour that by saying his prayer.

And then I got older and started to see more… I saw the hypocrisy of the adults in the church, e.g. men having extramarital affairs and going up for communion: a Priest who told my teacher I didn’t know what Easter meant because I had not been able to answer a question in confession with him at Easter. I saw this for what it was – a breach in confidentiality. I could feel there was no love in the Priests or the parishioners. I was about 10; I gave up on feeling I was a son a God.

It was my choice to give up on God: fortunately, I now know God doesn’t hold a grudge.

I had to attend Catholic mass for another 5 years. My disillusionment only continued and strengthened my resolve to leave the Catholic Church at my earliest opportunity, which was when I was 15. It was time to make my confirmation, a ceremony that represents a child entering the church as an adult, to which I initially said no. But for the sake of my parents’ relationship with their parents, I made a deal to go through with the farce on the condition that I would never enter the church again. And I never have, apart from the odd wedding and a funeral.


In the last few years I have started to reclaim my true deeply religious nature, my connection with and to God, but realising that something insidious has been stopping me from fully claiming that I am a living Son of God. And a theme keeps appearing when I even consider writing about religion:

Who am I to write about this?

Little ol’ me? I don’t live well enough, I am simply not good enough to claim I am worthy as a Son of God.

So I have been pondering “Why is that?”… when up popped this – a line from a Catholic Mass: “I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed”.

For those not familiar with the Catholic mass service you say this as a congregation before you receive the sacrament – the body of Christ, symbolised by a wafer of bread.

Pretty powerful stuff when I stop to think about it – and that every week since I was a baby, for about 15 years, I had heard this phrase.

What is the real impact of this line? How has it impacted my life?

Well, the impact is somewhat predictable – just as the phrase had asked of me to keep confirming, I haven’t felt I am worthy of much at all, much less a son of God. I haven’t felt I brought a lot to a situation; I used to drink a lot, party hard and ate what I wanted, not what was supportive of my body, and all these unloving acts I kept choosing continued to further confirm I was not worthy of much.

The second part of this statement, “but only say the word and I shall be healed”, is also deeply troubling to me because as I hear it, it seems as if a magic wand is being waved and all will be ok! But the key is, it’s reliant on someone else waving the said wand. Could there be some major disempowerment going on here? That the power is outside of us, that our relationship with God is outside of us, even though it is clearly stated by Jesus that ‘the Kingdom of God is inside you’.

This of course feeds into God being transcendental and Jesus saving us. Another theme in Catholicism – you can live as you want, confess, pay up and you get your ‘pass into heaven’ card all the same.

When I feel the line “I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed” in my body, my entire being shrinks, contracts and becomes less. It is the OPPOSITE of my experience with what True Religion is and is meant to be.


At my final confirmation ceremony and my final confession in the Catholic church (Note: confession is where you go and see the Catholic priest in a private chamber and confess your sins and he talks to you about it and then gives you penance… normally a certain amount of prayers to be said), I went up to the priest, and when asked what my confession was I stated:

If God is inside us like you tell us He is, why do I have to tell you what I have done wrong? God knows I am remorseful; what is your part, why the third party?”

To which he offered that it’s good to offload to someone else. In the not too distant past, priests were in a position of great power knowing everyone’s secrets and taking donations to help with the parishioners’ pass into heaven. There is a contradiction here: if we are all sons of God as the Church proclaims we are, how come only a few (and only within the Church) are able to ensure others a place in Heaven? And that for a donation!


In a session yesterday with an Esoteric Healing Practitioner I felt my expansiveness to be that of the whole universe, at a cellular level feeling love, the love of God and its infiniteness.

I now feel I am worthy. We are ALL worthy.

The choices I have been making over the last ten years have been to honour my body on a physical level – not eating or drinking foods that stimulate or stagnate the body. On an emotional level I have learned to observe my reactions and deal with them. All this is an unfoldment, an unending commitment with no end point, no fireworks, just me being me allowing the love that is God and that is me to flow through me.

No perfection required, just my turning up willing to be honest and allow and accept that I am a living Son of God.

My soul recently said to me “NEVER DOUBT YOU ARE A TRUE LIVING SON OF GOD” In writing this, I feel I have realised what has created the doubt was my subscribing to this teaching of the Catholic Church that we are not worthy! Is it possible that this is all a set up to keep us small, to doubt ourselves… but ultimately to doubt our connection to God?

And if so, how insidious is that?

This is not a finger wagging exercise but it is an offering to allow us to take responsibility for our part in allowing ourselves to give up, to accept less than the glory that we truly divinely are.

What if that line from the Catholic Mass is rewritten to say:

“I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.”

I would like to appreciate and acknowledge that the teachings of Serge Benhayon as the founder of a true religion, The Way of the Livingness, has allowed me through the many different presentations of livingness to realise that my true pure divinity has always been living inside me, and the knowing that I am worthy, and a son of God. I am Eternally grateful.

By Vanessa Hawthorne, M.A.  London

305 thoughts on “I am Worthy. Reclaiming Myself as a Son of God

  1. In deep appreciation Vanessa for writing this blog, it feels it has come straight from heaven. I took on those beliefs too from the Catholic church that I was not worthy and that I did not deserve…..and like you, I said those words every week too over and over as they became ingrained like a mantra. It’s like the jigsaw pieces are fitting into place – I now realise just how harmful and evil these words and teachings are from the Catholic church and how they totally destroy your natural divinity and connection with God.

  2. “I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am – an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.” I absolutely love that you have reworded this, such a powerful way to re-imprint those old beliefs and which I feel to use!

  3. ‘It was my choice to give up on God: fortunately, I now know God doesn’t hold a grudge’. When we come to this awareness, we know it is just a choice to reconnect with him, like returning to an old lost friend who has open loving arms saying; ‘I was waiting for you…

  4. Instilling a sense of being unworthy and therefore dependent on someone or something else is an insidious controlling method of many established organisations. The Way of The Livingness teaches that we are equal and are all equal Sons of God and the truth of this is within each and everyone of us.

  5. I attended catholic mass until the age of 12 when I too could see the hypocrisy of the church, since then have never set foot there again, However, it has taken me a lot of my life to remove the insidious layers of guilt and fear that has made me feel less than the true son of God I am now claiming myself to be.

  6. Its quite funny how we humans fool each other about God, or we do silly incomprehensible things to ourselves, like smoking, or drinking poison (alcohol). But at the end of all this way of living we are all Sons Of God no-matter what we do, that truth will never change. Like the phrase “diamond in the rough” that diamond is still a diamond. You and all of us are all Sons of God in the rough or not.

  7. I did not grow up as a Catholic but reading this blog makes me realise that the Hindu religion is no different except it has a eastern flavour to it.

    The religion I grew up around had many beliefs and conformities and if we strayed from this, we were judged. We were either seen as ‘good’ if we committed ourselves to the temple and ‘bad’ if we stayed away from it. The reality is the hypocrisy was what people couldn’t tolerate so they stayed away and from time to time would attend the temple occasionally.

    For me it was the imposition that made me run the other way and I could not find true religion. For me true religion is coming from the one source and that is God irrespective of the colour of your skin or the country we are birthed forth.

    Love has no religion……

  8. We cannot no matter how hard we try know God through empty words that do not live inside us. What has become clear to me through attending Universal Medicine is the fact that there are two sources of energy that fuel me in every moment, one from God and the other not from God and it is down to me and only me to unfold and live the knowing of the energy that runs through my body in my daily living.

  9. It is deeply powerful to surrender to feel this innate relationship with the love we are from and the responsibility that goes with that relationship. Rather than cower, hide or live in ignorance of the effect of our choices on all others, it offers an opportunity to be more accountable, responsible and feel the connection that comes from the relationship with all we are.

  10. It may have been your choice to give up on God, but it must be said that everything in this world is configured, especially the Church, to convince us that God is not there for us, when of course the opposite is the case, he is never not there for us.

  11. Our connection to God is one made up of our foundation of self loving movements which then uncover our natural connection to the all and everything in between which shows that we are all divine and hence express this through the quality in which we move. Love is a movement and or expression from our bodies.

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