I am Worthy. Reclaiming Myself as a Son of God

FROM RELIGIOUS CHILD TO GIVING UP ON GOD

I was a deeply religious child – I felt the immense divinity surrounding me. I remember driving along in the backseat of our family car looking at trees in wonder of how they came to be. I used to pray to God at night because I could feel his presence around me and I wanted to honour that by saying his prayer.

And then I got older and started to see more… I saw the hypocrisy of the adults in the church, e.g. men having extramarital affairs and going up for communion: a Priest who told my teacher I didn’t know what Easter meant because I had not been able to answer a question in confession with him at Easter. I saw this for what it was – a breach in confidentiality. I could feel there was no love in the Priests or the parishioners. I was about 10; I gave up on feeling I was a son a God.

It was my choice to give up on God: fortunately, I now know God doesn’t hold a grudge.

I had to attend Catholic mass for another 5 years. My disillusionment only continued and strengthened my resolve to leave the Catholic Church at my earliest opportunity, which was when I was 15. It was time to make my confirmation, a ceremony that represents a child entering the church as an adult, to which I initially said no. But for the sake of my parents’ relationship with their parents, I made a deal to go through with the farce on the condition that I would never enter the church again. And I never have, apart from the odd wedding and a funeral.

A LINE FROM CATHOLIC MASS… CONFIRMING I AM NOT WORTHY

In the last few years I have started to reclaim my true deeply religious nature, my connection with and to God, but realising that something insidious has been stopping me from fully claiming that I am a living Son of God. And a theme keeps appearing when I even consider writing about religion:

Who am I to write about this?

Little ol’ me? I don’t live well enough, I am simply not good enough to claim I am worthy as a Son of God.

So I have been pondering “Why is that?”… when up popped this – a line from a Catholic Mass: “I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed”.

For those not familiar with the Catholic mass service you say this as a congregation before you receive the sacrament – the body of Christ, symbolised by a wafer of bread.

Pretty powerful stuff when I stop to think about it – and that every week since I was a baby, for about 15 years, I had heard this phrase.

What is the real impact of this line? How has it impacted my life?

Well, the impact is somewhat predictable – just as the phrase had asked of me to keep confirming, I haven’t felt I am worthy of much at all, much less a son of God. I haven’t felt I brought a lot to a situation; I used to drink a lot, party hard and ate what I wanted, not what was supportive of my body, and all these unloving acts I kept choosing continued to further confirm I was not worthy of much.

The second part of this statement, “but only say the word and I shall be healed”, is also deeply troubling to me because as I hear it, it seems as if a magic wand is being waved and all will be ok! But the key is, it’s reliant on someone else waving the said wand. Could there be some major disempowerment going on here? That the power is outside of us, that our relationship with God is outside of us, even though it is clearly stated by Jesus that ‘the Kingdom of God is inside you’.

This of course feeds into God being transcendental and Jesus saving us. Another theme in Catholicism – you can live as you want, confess, pay up and you get your ‘pass into heaven’ card all the same.

When I feel the line “I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed” in my body, my entire being shrinks, contracts and becomes less. It is the OPPOSITE of my experience with what True Religion is and is meant to be.

DONATIONS IN EXCHANGE FOR A PLACE IN HEAVEN?

At my final confirmation ceremony and my final confession in the Catholic church (Note: confession is where you go and see the Catholic priest in a private chamber and confess your sins and he talks to you about it and then gives you penance… normally a certain amount of prayers to be said), I went up to the priest, and when asked what my confession was I stated:

If God is inside us like you tell us He is, why do I have to tell you what I have done wrong? God knows I am remorseful; what is your part, why the third party?”

To which he offered that it’s good to offload to someone else. In the not too distant past, priests were in a position of great power knowing everyone’s secrets and taking donations to help with the parishioners’ pass into heaven. There is a contradiction here: if we are all sons of God as the Church proclaims we are, how come only a few (and only within the Church) are able to ensure others a place in Heaven? And that for a donation!

ACCEPTANCE AS AN EQUAL, WORTHY, LIVING SON OF GOD

In a session yesterday with an Esoteric Healing Practitioner I felt my expansiveness to be that of the whole universe, at a cellular level feeling love, the love of God and its infiniteness.

I now feel I am worthy. We are ALL worthy.

The choices I have been making over the last ten years have been to honour my body on a physical level – not eating or drinking foods that stimulate or stagnate the body. On an emotional level I have learned to observe my reactions and deal with them. All this is an unfoldment, an unending commitment with no end point, no fireworks, just me being me allowing the love that is God and that is me to flow through me.

No perfection required, just my turning up willing to be honest and allow and accept that I am a living Son of God.

My soul recently said to me “NEVER DOUBT YOU ARE A TRUE LIVING SON OF GOD” In writing this, I feel I have realised what has created the doubt was my subscribing to this teaching of the Catholic Church that we are not worthy! Is it possible that this is all a set up to keep us small, to doubt ourselves… but ultimately to doubt our connection to God?

And if so, how insidious is that?

This is not a finger wagging exercise but it is an offering to allow us to take responsibility for our part in allowing ourselves to give up, to accept less than the glory that we truly divinely are.

What if that line from the Catholic Mass is rewritten to say:

“I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.”

I would like to appreciate and acknowledge that the teachings of Serge Benhayon as the founder of a true religion, The Way of the Livingness, has allowed me through the many different presentations of livingness to realise that my true pure divinity has always been living inside me, and the knowing that I am worthy, and a son of God. I am Eternally grateful.

By Vanessa Hawthorne, M.A.  London

322 thoughts on “I am Worthy. Reclaiming Myself as a Son of God

  1. To be growing up as a son of God you don’t really have to do anything. It’s so easy. Maybe that is why we have been presented with teachings that want to control this otherwise inevitable unfolding saying you have to do this or that to achieve contact with a higher power or deity, when that connection is already there from the word go.

  2. The indoctrination by the Catholic Church to make sure we feel unworthy of God’s love has been going on for centuries so that we now believe this to be true, and this lack of feeling worthy then infiltrates into the rest of our lives so that we don’t feel worthy in relationships, our work, in almost anything we do. It is like a curse we have been given by the Church and over the years accepted, and in the erosion of our worthiness, we learn to live less than the amazing beings we naturally are.

  3. For me it was clear The Way of the Livingness was a true religion, as Serge Benhayon walked his talk and expressed love and care with everyone and everything equally.

  4. Vanessa this is exquisite a true claiming of worthiness and a renunciation of the giving up that allowed the inequality to be, something so many including me have experienced. To know and feel our divinity, our connection to that divinity and the equalness we all share in this is such a blessing and there for us all.

  5. What I have come to realise is that there is a big gap between observing/clocking and reacting and in that we take a step aside from the truth, and no matter how small the step might be, we are already being affected. So, do we take a step back, or carry on with side-stepping?

  6. If we are Divine, then we are all experts on God and religion. If any part of us is Divine then we are Divine.

  7. I can feel the memories of the catholic mass in my body as I read this, how it was a knowing of being less, and of waiting for someone to redeem you so you could be worthy of the sacrament. Yet I can also feel the expansion in what you shared “I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am – an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.” At One with ALL. There is a very stilling feeling in that sentence that offers a physical reflection of our interconnectedness.

  8. It is interesting that we can experience God all around us but when we don’t feel it in other humans we can give up on God even though that would be their choice.

  9. I recall feeling deeply religious as a child too – I used to lie in bed in the evening and pray and talk to God about my day. I loved this relationship. Then somewhere along the line I allowed this to disappear, partly as I was made fun of for this by some, and so I began to hide this, and then also I got introduced to the atheist ideas etc. which I wanted to explore as I loved Science and I was told Religion and Science were not compatible. I always struggled to bring it all together for myself as I know of a greater presence that held us and I knew we were more than the mere physical, but it was not till I encountered Universal Medicine that I felt that religion, science and philosophy were married together in harmony and what was presented made total sense – and now my life feels complete in terms of understanding how this all works, though of course there is still so much for me to embrace and look forwards to unfolding in my life when it comes to my relationship with this. But what I do know is that this all sits with me in a way that is in harmony like when I was small and sat in nature and knew that I was held by God.

  10. Vanessa this is a brilliant blog exposing the lies we are sold by religion and the church that have nothing to do with the truth of God and everything to do with keeping humanity small and controlled and never knowing they are an equal Son of God. The more we claim and live as a Son of God, the more our movements will confirm to others this important truth that is divinely available for us all.

  11. Our connection to God is one made up of our foundation of self loving movements which then uncover our natural connection to the all and everything in between which shows that we are all divine and hence express this through the quality in which we move. Love is a movement and or expression from our bodies.

  12. It may have been your choice to give up on God, but it must be said that everything in this world is configured, especially the Church, to convince us that God is not there for us, when of course the opposite is the case, he is never not there for us.

  13. It is deeply powerful to surrender to feel this innate relationship with the love we are from and the responsibility that goes with that relationship. Rather than cower, hide or live in ignorance of the effect of our choices on all others, it offers an opportunity to be more accountable, responsible and feel the connection that comes from the relationship with all we are.

  14. We cannot no matter how hard we try know God through empty words that do not live inside us. What has become clear to me through attending Universal Medicine is the fact that there are two sources of energy that fuel me in every moment, one from God and the other not from God and it is down to me and only me to unfold and live the knowing of the energy that runs through my body in my daily living.

  15. I did not grow up as a Catholic but reading this blog makes me realise that the Hindu religion is no different except it has a eastern flavour to it.

    The religion I grew up around had many beliefs and conformities and if we strayed from this, we were judged. We were either seen as ‘good’ if we committed ourselves to the temple and ‘bad’ if we stayed away from it. The reality is the hypocrisy was what people couldn’t tolerate so they stayed away and from time to time would attend the temple occasionally.

    For me it was the imposition that made me run the other way and I could not find true religion. For me true religion is coming from the one source and that is God irrespective of the colour of your skin or the country we are birthed forth.

    Love has no religion……

  16. Its quite funny how we humans fool each other about God, or we do silly incomprehensible things to ourselves, like smoking, or drinking poison (alcohol). But at the end of all this way of living we are all Sons Of God no-matter what we do, that truth will never change. Like the phrase “diamond in the rough” that diamond is still a diamond. You and all of us are all Sons of God in the rough or not.

  17. I attended catholic mass until the age of 12 when I too could see the hypocrisy of the church, since then have never set foot there again, However, it has taken me a lot of my life to remove the insidious layers of guilt and fear that has made me feel less than the true son of God I am now claiming myself to be.

  18. Instilling a sense of being unworthy and therefore dependent on someone or something else is an insidious controlling method of many established organisations. The Way of The Livingness teaches that we are equal and are all equal Sons of God and the truth of this is within each and everyone of us.

  19. ‘It was my choice to give up on God: fortunately, I now know God doesn’t hold a grudge’. When we come to this awareness, we know it is just a choice to reconnect with him, like returning to an old lost friend who has open loving arms saying; ‘I was waiting for you…

  20. “I am worthy to receive me and to receive you in equalness: through my choices and self-love I shall be healed to then know the true love that I am – an equal son of God – at one with all, divinely so.” I absolutely love that you have reworded this, such a powerful way to re-imprint those old beliefs and which I feel to use!

  21. In deep appreciation Vanessa for writing this blog, it feels it has come straight from heaven. I took on those beliefs too from the Catholic church that I was not worthy and that I did not deserve…..and like you, I said those words every week too over and over as they became ingrained like a mantra. It’s like the jigsaw pieces are fitting into place – I now realise just how harmful and evil these words and teachings are from the Catholic church and how they totally destroy your natural divinity and connection with God.

    1. I suspect we will start to understand just how harming words are. For me they are like sound and have a ripple effect that sits in our body. Words that take us a way from knowing where we come from, the Love that we are made of and that we are here to reflect to the world, those words embed themselves in our bodies feeding a lack of self worth which has very serious physical and emotional consequences.

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