by Suzanne Anderssen, Brisbane, Australia
When I was a little girl, it became clear to me that the more I did and achieved, the more people noticed, rewarded, accepted and applauded me. So of course, I then set out to achieve more – to be the best at pretty much anything I set my mind to.
And this actually was pretty easy, as I got great school grades without really trying and was quite athletic, so I was pretty much better than everyone else at everything I did. Anything I didn’t perform well at, I gave up!
The problem with doing this, is that everything I then did was scored against what another is, or had done. Any measure of my own worth or value (which I determined by my ability to do stuff) was externally gained, as I compared myself to others – boys, girls, men, and women.
As I got older, the comparisons never let up. There was pretty much nothing that I didn’t compare myself to, be it sporting prowess, academic studies, body shape, hairstyles, makeup, how many friends I had, boyfriends, how tanned I was, how fast I read a book, my job, what my wedding dress looked like, how healthy my baby was… the list was endless.
And of course, comparison always led to competiveness. This meant I lived in such a way that I never felt good enough, I could always do better or more. The accolades for scoring highly were awesome for about five minutes, but then time moved on and there was something else that could be done. I never even really celebrated much.
The thing though, was that doing well – although easy – was always empty. When I was congratulated for achieving, I was polite and said ‘thank you’, but really what I was feeling was “what’s the big deal?”. Whilst my achievements were great, I knew there were others who still achieved more, so I never felt good enough. Oddly though, whilst I craved doing well, I just knew it wasn’t truly important, and yet the competitiveness was still there. I could never just be happy with my efforts. I knew that I had performed well, but so what? This feeling only made me keep comparing and looking out to what others do, as I thought the reason I didn’t feel so great when I had done well, meant that I wasn’t even doing well enough! I even used to think that maybe I wasn’t performing at the ‘right’ things, or that there were more important things to be good at. I put so much mental effort into comparisons and making certain I did well, and yet what good did it do if I never appreciated my efforts?
Through my early thirties, my competitiveness with the big, external things, such as who won Wimbledon, waned. I couldn’t care less. Great! I had lost my competitive ‘edge’ I thought, but the internal comparisons never silenced. I came to realise that it was these internal comparisons that were far more insidious than caring about a particular sporting team. Every time I pit myself against another, I felt nervous. I had a tense, butterflies-like feeling in my stomach quite constantly. I started to feel how harming this was to me.
When I found my way to the teachings of Universal Medicine, I became so much more aware of the need I had always had to compare myself. I realised I had made my life all about what I thought the world wanted of me, and not that I was fundamentally great just being me. That realisation was slow to come. I was re-learning a different, more natural way to live that was based on how one does everything, how it feels in the body. In the beginning though, this knowledge of how to live gently became yet another field to compare myself with and compete against others. Two steps forward, one step back!
It all fell apart when I was asked to feel for myself. Immediately, I looked outside to see what everyone else was feeling so I could compare it with me – and came up with nothing! Eventually I asked myself this: if I’ve spent a lifetime watching how everyone else does it first, and then modifying my behaviour to fit in and exceed, how would I even be able to feel clearly for myself? My body had been shut down for so long that it has been (and still is) a long process to trust in me. But with this trust, I can then do, in a way that feels right for me – and not because I am trying to outdo someone else.
Slowly it became less about what and how others saw me, and more about how I felt I wanted to be, for me. My outlook changed and the need to compare has slowly fallen away. This took the pressure off for the first time in my life.
I’ve realised, with a lot of time and patience, that who I am is awesome, and is perfect for where I need to be. The who I am matters far more than what I do. As I master my competitive spirit, the genuine love I have for myself increases and leaves more room in my body for the things that do really matter.
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
Comparison is the energy you put out attacking another by defence and protection – pretending you are less or better than the other. And covering up the mega sensitivity in us. Comparison is an expression of evil that is simply a cover up for our lack of worth and disempowerment of ourselves and the inability to make loving true choices… we not require anything else than unfoldment. All it asks of us is to simply be honest and loving. As comparison is the thief of joy on our way back to Soul. Something we need to definetaly stop doing.
I think there’s a lot to look at for myself here. Not truly appreciating who I am and that I am enough just as it is is a big one for me. I have also looked outside of me and still do to check how I need to be instead of listening inside what is asked of me.
I love how you write Suzanne. And I am lucky enough to work in a group with you and feel nothing but your amazingness – no competition, comparison, just you and your gorgeousness and how you are with your body and feeling what is needed, is inspiring. Thank you.
“. . . if I’ve spent a lifetime watching how everyone else does it first, and then modifying my behaviour to fit in and exceed, how would I even be able to feel clearly for myself?” I love that question as it is one of the best medicine against being competitive or being in comparison.
Outdoing others is a pattern of movement of someone who has a self-worth issue and lacks settlement in the body.
When we disconnect from our internal awesomeness nothing in this world can ever suffice.
The only way to beat the need to be competitive is to live and claim the awesomeness you truly are.
The list of things that we can compare ourselves against is endless and therefore we are on a constant conveyor belt of never feeling good enough – in any aspect. I’ve noticed that the more open we are to re-connect with our inner qualities, the more at ease we are with ourselves and others.
Comparing and competing is pushed to the nth degree in this temporal life as this is what keeps us all as individuals. Better house and gardens, bigger, faster car, higher paid job. Better trimmer fitter body, more beautiful clothes, the perfect boots . . . the list is endless until you stop one day and connect to who you truly are and then you realise that you have been played all along by an energy that wants to keep you yearning for something outside of yourself that will never satisfy as what we really yearn for is our own deep connection to Divinity.
Individualising ourself is always going to bring about competition and comparison. When we see ourselves as part of the whole and understand the responsibility that comes with that we no longer get caught in pitching ourselves against another.
Brilliant article Suzanne. When we compare ourselves to others we lose sight of who we are and what is true for us. Comparison makes us blind to the things we most need to see.
What I can feel is how I was judging myself for actually being good at doing things. When I started to understand about how it is that the being mattered far more than the doing, and in that, I could not accept or appreciate myself and what I brought. There feels to be still a process of surrendering and accepting myself in essence that is under way.
The importance of feeling and living who I wanted to be is awesome to feel and know, and takes us away from the competitiveness the world thrives on in diminishing us all by not ever feeling enough. What a brilliant sharing and understanding and the start of living the love we are for ourselves, shining and connecting to our own inner beauty and love. “who I am is awesome, and is perfect for where I need to be. The who I am matters far more than what I do. As I master my competitive spirit, the genuine love I have for myself increases and leaves more room in my body for the things that do really matter” .
Doing so much but still feeling not enough and always wanting to keep doing more must be deeply exhausting but this is what most of the world has accepted as normal. Knowing how false competition and comparison is, some of us may have shyed away from committing to life feeling what’s the point, but withdrawal like competition is not the way either. So to simply feel and live from the heart, I have begun to understand how to live my own rhythm in a world which carries a collective but abusive rhythm and how to live harmoniously with each other.
When I feel I know I am enough. There are many things I don’t have but I feel enough. I am not seeking for them and I do not feel I am lacking anything. But my days are beautiful and full and joyful.
When what we do is constantly measured against another, this creates a pitting of one against another – there is no collaboration here, no joining of forces so to speak. Instead there is further divide that is fostered. We have enough divide in our society, what we need sorely is more unity and collaboration and letting go of our barriers so that we can work together and pool our qualities and hence learn and grow together. We have a long way to go to change this, but every little step matters.
“everything I then did was scored against what another is, or had done. Any measure of my own worth or value (which I determined by my ability to do stuff) was externally gained, as I compared myself to others – boys, girls, men, and women.” – Our current society has such a huge focus on the doing rather than the being. However, we are human beings and not human doings. Have we perhaps forgotten this?
Competition and comparison fractures connection with ourselves and others.
“…if I’ve spent a lifetime watching how everyone else does it first, and then modifying my behaviour to fit in and exceed, how would I even be able to feel clearly for myself?” No wonder I, and expect in truth most people in society if they are honest, have a certain level of insecurity at their core as all our education is geared towards competition, comparison and gaining knowledge gathered by others instead of being supported to trust and express one’s own innate knowing. We are in fact molded by education and society to confirm to a norm that is not ourselves, our true nature. The teachings of The Ageless Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon offer an alternative way free of this form of imposition with clarity and practicality.
Reading this I remembered in secondary school Year 7 and 8 there was this silent competition and comparison with a few of us about how neat and lovely we could write!!!! This got me so much that my writing/expression became … well not me! Now my writing is the complete opposite and really messy and scrawly unless I know someone needs to read something I have written and then I make a bit more of an effort so it is readable 😶 This highlights to me there are just so many ways and areas in our life we compare ourselves to others and the problem is when we do this we never truly appreciate ourselves and our own uniqueness with what we bring.
This blog is a beautiful expose of a trail of separation from who we truly are when we feel we do not measure up to the pictures and ideals of the world. What is so inspiring is that the trail back is through the appreciation of who we are, rather than what we do, which is the path of return rather than improving ourselves. We hold competition and evaluation of our efforts as such a natural thing to do in life and yet comparison is the killer to appreciating ourselves and others.
Comparison is such a norrow way of living, we can see it as being a positive but in a twisted way we are asking us to be more and we push ourselves to try and bet or out do someone. But really can’t be more if we don’t already think we are enough to start with as this will be our underlying issue. When we truly start to feel and appreciate that we are awesome just the way we are and no need to prove this to anyone, because if we do that instantly reduced the awesomeness we are.
‘My body had been shut down for so long that it has been (and still is) a long process to trust in me.’ What this really means is that we do not have a relationship with ourselves, we have let ourselves be lived by other people or by ideals and beliefs that have charge over our thinking or the way we move. We have to reclaim this connection with ourselves before we can truly be lived, that is, by Divinity.
On reading this I could feel/remember in my body when I was younger, that I did exactly the same thing and Oh My Goodness I completely forgot I did this. ‘if I’ve spent a lifetime watching how everyone else does it first, and then modifying my behaviour to fit in and exceed, how would I even be able to feel clearly for myself?’ which was instead of feeling for myself, I got into a pattern of first looking outside to what other people were doing, feeling, behaving so I could then ‘fit’ in, completely disconnecting from the innate knowing and feeling within. In fact I actually thought I was stupid because I didn’t know or could not feel! Where in reality it was not that I was stupid, but just completely numbed from feeling me, or allowing to feel the truth of what I felt and express this. What astounds me is that I can still feel a bit of this energy is there (at play)!
It’s rare that something someone does or achieves stays with us, but who someone is can deeply touch us and inspire us for life. Thank you Suzanne for the honest way you have shared the realities of comparison.
The comparison with others is so insidious and incredibly harmful to our body. By stopping and feeling my body if I feel any comparison trying to sneak in, I have come to know that it feels absolutely horrible and that makes sense, as it is not a natural part of who we are. But if we simply allow ourselves to observe another, bringing understanding to our observations, there is no space for comparison and we may even be inspired by them instead. At these moments in time the feeling in my body is still and settled; a most natural feeling.
My school reports often said ‘could do better if she tried’, although I was always trying to do better anyway. This set up a lifetime habit of constantly trying to improve myself. I never felt good enough, so comparing with everyone around me set me up for failure. It was a revelation to attend Universal Medicine presentations and discover it is who we are not what we do that is important. And we are all amazing beings. When we live from our heart, not our head, amazing things can happen in life
Appreciating what we bring in life builds a solid foundation for self-worth that can withstand any experience. When I find myself wobbling, I will wonder what it is about myself I am not appreciating and inevitably my shoulders go down and my breathing steadies. It is such a physical experience.
‘who I am matters far more than what I do’. And when we connect to our true self and commit to loving ourselves, the quality of what we do and offer others deepens.
‘It all fell apart when I was asked to feel for myself. Immediately, I looked outside to see what everyone else was feeling so I could compare it with me – and came up with nothing!’ I remember a time in my life when I didn’t know how I felt because I had deferred to others for so long. Re-connecting to me and my feelings and making choices based on how I feel, not what others are say or do was a turning point and now my foundation.
Comparing with another is so ingrained that we do not even know it’s not normal, but if we allow ourselves to feel the devastation of this, we know it is absolutely abnormal. When we have chosen love to be the way to express, whenever jealousy and comparison come in they feel so out of place that it is just very easy to recognise. There is nothing to be afraid of though, if we are aware of it being out of place, we can claim the truth of ourselves that we know we can be as a woman or man of truth and love.
As the beauty reveals the driven spirit within us, it exposes the loveless behavior and allow us to experience genuine love that is inside us that is naturally unstoppable comin out.. Which indeed leaves space in our body to hold this genuine love as our foundation. Thank you Suzanne.. Insightful piece with responsibility to our own behaviors.
The competitiveness you share here is everywhere in the world, it is that we have accepted this as part of life and even see it as healthy. But as you share its harming effect is seen by the simple fact that it puts us constantly under pressure to be in a certain way and never lets us just be.
I really appreciate you writing this as I relate to it so much. My competitive spirit has been there since I was twelve at least – perhaps there a long time prior too. It feels so unloving, has no care or consideration of people’s true worth and only sees other’s through combative filters. Inside I know it stems from insecurity – a defence against feeling the hurt I felt when my expression was shut down by a few growing up. I then judged the whole world as unaccepting of me and used examples that fit this belief as evidence and ignored times when people supported my true expression. To feel safe I tried to be the best – I’d seen how those who excelled were revered and left alone, not picked on.
With this understanding I don’t have to beat myself up for being competitive, just allow myself to feel delicate and vulnerable. I don’t have to fight for my right to exist but simply be. If someone else is better than me I will still exist! I may even enjoy enjoying their skills. If I’m the bottom of the class, I will still be, not just valid but amazing. The key is to clock if I can feel the ugliness of competition rise in me, feel it’s not me but a force I use to defend myself, and let it go and feel that life is absolutely fine when I’m me and not beyond perfect!
Wow! What a vicious cycle to be caught in, knowing that ‘doing’ wasn’t ‘it’ and left you empty but feeling the need to compete anyway. I suppose we grab the best that is on offer as a substitute for love and lose sight that true love is always within us if we would just stop chasing it outside ourselves.
I get this feeling of ‘perpetual motion’ in your description of your competitive and comparison based life. No sooner have we achieved something, we are onto the next – no time to just be who we are. Appreciation of who we are is vital in my experience. The alternative would seem to be self-deprecation and my feeling is this does not serve us at all.
Comparison comes from an emptiness that constantly needs filling. But any filling is always in vain as that emptiness can only truly be filled by our own love.
‘ This meant I lived in such a way that I never felt good enough, I could always do better or more. ‘ I have heard people often saying competition is healthy but I know I have lived what is expressed in this quote. I’ve crushed my appreciation of myself, my beauty, through looking to compare myself to others because I’ve felt insecure. I’ve tried to emulate others I think are doing something well but this breeds further insecurity. We are all unique and I can never do something in the way another does it. I bring my own unique and needed qualities to life that also cannot be emulated by others. So comparison and competition feeds insecurity which creates more comparison and so on. It is time to enjoy me for being me and others for who they are.
Suzanne, great to appreciate where we have come from and the loving changes you have made to be more connected to yourself, comparison is a killer as it destroys relationships,and friendships because we are often arrogant enough to think that the other person doesn’t feel our comparison, when in truth they can feel it, and it hurts if we take that comparison on, I have found that the best thing to do is to just observe that it is happening.
Today I held a puberty workshop with Year 7’s and part of the discussion was to not compare ourselves to others but instead appreciate ourselves for who we are …super important. We should all be taught this from young and live this to reflect to others .. it cuts out the trying, recognition, comparison, jealously and so much more. I am forever inspired by Universal Medicine.
“The who I am matters far more than what I do” – feels the absolute truth and is simple – love it.
Knowing that we are a being first and holding everyone in that fact totally knocks out comparison. Comparison can only exist when we make life about what we do and not who we are.
‘As I master my competitive spirit, the genuine love I have for myself increases and leaves more room in my body for the things that do really matter.’ This is great wisdom Suzanne and many people could benefit from your sharing. Competitiveness is like an addiction that separates us from being who we truly are so the steps you took to heal this are very inspiring and supportive to read.
“I realised I had made my life all about what I thought the world wanted of me, and not that I was fundamentally great just being me.” this is so true, and the fact that we live life with a false foundation we then assume everything about others and therefore our need to compare, it is all an illusion which can be dismantled just by being in appreciation of who we are and receiving others reflection as a constant inspiration to always be more.
“The who I am matters far more than what I do” . . . this is great for us all to remember for in this world we can so easily get caught up in the what we do = who we are, lie. . . for it is a lie as we are much more magnificent than anything that we do! Our beingness goes far deeper than we can even imagine.
It is easy to see how we start to look for recognition from young and then judge ourselves on these pictures we build up to have all the answers to life. I used to do this with dieting, exercise, housekeeping, my children – the list is endless. If we are not careful and see the game for what it is ‘separation’, then we will easily become a slave to wanting the recognition from others, instead of building a loving relationship with ourselves first.
Comparison is a trap that hinders our ability to truly appreciate ourselves and others for the reflection that they offer us in order to be inspired and be more of the love that we truly are.
Comparison can be the main drive behind our movements if we find ourselves in the upper part of the comparative scale. Yet, there is no truth in comparison therefore neither in the movements of those that move in comparison.
What a beautiful understanding and sharing of the evils of comparison in keeping us from appreciating and simply being the love and beauty we innately are and the joy of living this.
‘Who we are from within” absolutely matters far more than what we ‘do’. How simple would it be to live this truth if we started young? As adults we might need some very loving and understanding for ourselves as we clear away the imposition that we are laced with, but for babies, toddlers and children we can support their appreciation of themselves from their essence now, confirming who they are that is amazing not the things that they do.
This deliberate misinformation that is spewed out by much of the print media is a lesson for us all to be aware of the messages we are giving out when we indulge in gossip.
Thank you Suzanne for a great article on comparison, I would have thought at one time that as a high achiever you had it all, and to read that after all your achieving you were still feeling not good enough, such is the emptiness of living life outside of the body in comparison to all others.
“I’ve realised, with a lot of time and patience, that who I am is awesome, and is perfect for where I need to be. The who I am matters far more than what I do. As I master my competitive spirit, the genuine love I have for myself increases and leaves more room in my body for the things that do really matter.”
Suzanne you hit the nail on the head when you talk about trusting yourself and knowing that you matter. This changes the relationship we have with ourselves and then how we relate to others.
Making way for things that really do matter… such as just being you. I love the simplicity of this and how inclusive it is.
I used to use comparison and competition big time when I needed to clean and tidy my house so it looked ‘good’ and it was up to scratch when visitors arrived. I thought competitiveness gave me energy, but the energy was at the expense of my body, because I was just using nervous energy to get anything done. My house would have felt terrible and my lack of self worth very imposing for my visitors. But then I didn’t think they would feel it!
It’s very common for us not to trust ourselves because we have for so long relied on things outside ourselves and other peoples advice or influence. When we become more honest about what is really going on and look underneath our behaviours, and let old habits go by the wayside, we can connect to who we are underneath all of that, then we begin to trust ourselves and really begin to live our own lives.
What I love about these blog sites is the subjects that a written about are so universal and relatable. I have found it very challenging to build a relationship with myself on what I feel is right for me after a lifetime of avoiding it. I have always wanted a guide, on some level, when I was younger it was my boyfriends and friends. I would like what they liked, dress how they dressed, eat what they ate, anything to stop me from having to make so many decisions, plus I wanted to be liked but there was a comparison under pinning it all. Using food as an example, in the past if my boyfriend ordered a fish of the day when we went out for dinner and I ordered a curry because I was “trying to make my own choices” I would compare my meal to his, wish I had the fish. That happened a few times before I just begun to order the same thing that my boyfriend had so I wouldn’t compare or get jealous. The problem with this is, you are making choices from fear of regret and everything in life is seen through a comparison coloured glasses and nothing is done from a place of connection to what is needed for you. Universal Medicine presents that the most important relationship is first with you and everything else is an extension of that.
With your beautiful description of comparison, Suzanne, one further aspect of comparison came up, which is when we are identified with an outcome we immediately bring in comparison as we want things to be a particular way, compare them to our ideal and get affected if things don’t conform to that ideal in full.
One of the worst things I found about being competitive is how we encourage others to get drawn into our competitiveness, and we end up competing in everything, down to the most stupid things such as how we make a meal, or clean our home. So even when someone doesn’t want to compete there is always another wanting to measure up. I guess this is why the reflection of appreciating oneself and others is so powerful, as it is supporting others to feel good about themselves just as they are not in comparison with what others do.
When in disconnection to our soul, we seek high and low for that which will give us some sort of confirmation that we are somewhat worthy but this is the illusion as this is short lived and it is only through our constant living from an open heart that we can know ourselves as the true sons of God that we are.
Thank you Suzanne. This blog reminds me how exhausting and harmful it is to compare ourselves to others. When we choose to do what is true for us life becomes simple and joyful.
WOW what a turn around that is amazing to read and I love how it comes back to trusting yourself.
It is horrible how much we keep ourselves busy and with that, tense and constantly anxious in comparison to each other and yet it is something we deem normal in this world. To learn to appreciate oneself is something we all benefit greatly from and which will, step by step, take us out of the pit of competing and comparing.
As I read this I can feel how much competition still owns me. I am constantly measuring my worth based on how others respond to me and how I measure up in comparison to them. It is exhausting and diminishing of myself and others. I did not realise how insidious this is and how it comes in when I leave a gap of not having appreciated myself.
It’s a massive game isn’t it? The game we play in life. There are many ways we can think, act, achieve, dress and speak but what is this game all about? This is part of the game, my game in life. Look around and see how to fit in, at what level. We are constantly saying and seeing that we are victims of life, someone has done this to us but from what we can see here our hand is very active even as this ‘victim’. Next time we are in a conversation with someone listen to your thoughts, are they loud and telling you what you are thinking or are we actually simply listening to the person in front of us, allowing them the space and grace to talk and then responding we you can see they are finished. Then as you speak watch and see if you are adding or building on what they have truly said or do you make the conversation about what you did. We add to these things in every step or we unlock them further if we choose our walk.
I love how you said that as you became more aware of the comparison and competition that you then started to change the way in which you did things not to out-do another but to do things in a way that felt true from you, without the need for recognition.
Well written Suzanne. You could write a book on this the more you let go of and the beautiful detail and depth you go to and reach. A lesson for us all .. “Slowly it became less about what and how others saw me, and more about how I felt I wanted to be, for me.”
“I’ve realised, with a lot of time and patience, that who I am is awesome, and is perfect for where I need to be.”
“And of course, comparison always led to competiveness. This meant I lived in such a way that I never felt good enough, I could always do better or more. The accolades for scoring highly were awesome for about five minutes, but then time moved on and there was something else that could be done. I never even really celebrated much.”These are very good points about comparison. It seems like an addiction to me.
I had not yet clicked onto the insidious way we get undermined by the vicious achievement cycle in that what we achieve and do well we actively feed and build, and what we don’t do well we give up on. The problem is that when we give up on anything it stays with us knawing away and destabilising us because in that giving up you abandon apart of yourself and you give up on your potential.
‘I could always do better or more.’
‘Whilst my achievements were great, I knew there were others who still achieved more, so I never felt good enough.’
And there we have the mantras that drive so many of us – there’s always more to do in order to get the recognition we crave. Like you Suzanne it’s been my involvement with Universal Medicine that’s shifted the way I do life enormously. Mind you, it’s taken over a decade to get this far, with more to go. I’m learning slowly but steadily that it’s all about the quality of our being first, and the doing second.
I’ve been pretty much insecure all my life – since feeling hurt for not being seen for who I was. So I went for what I considered was the next best thing – recognition but it wasn’t at all because I gave up on me and went all out for how I would be seen by others to the point where last week I realised the extent to which I’ve made this my reality. I realised that I forgo the reading of events from all angles and choose to see it only from how I think another sees it with the aim of getting how they receive/perceive me so I know whether I have to do something to confirm what they think or prove I’m ok. This may have been a protective measure of trying to avoid hurt, trying to survive and be liked/deemed invaluable so that I would get the job, have the friend, the companionship, not be abandoned but this way of living has been very damaging to my health.
My life has not been about being and surrendering to me when I have believed another’s perspective is more important so that I think I can ensure my survival – talk about giving my power away! I’ve been living on nervous energy and even, at times, fear. This constant low grade stress is an attack on my body. So I’ve chosen to come back to reading situations without judgement – no-one is right or wrong just choosing different energies. The reading honestly factors in my responsibility in the exchange of energies/ interactions. My readings are 100% valid and I’m not ignoring them in favour of just seeing myself as I imagine another sees me. I’m also appreciating myself from who I am and understanding that the great things I do do aren’t things I actually own so I can’t take credit for them anyways – the biggest lie I’ve lived by is thinking that anything genius that’s come through me was my doing – I just choose whether I would be with God or not. I am a vehicle for His expression – and when I’m not I’m equally a vehicle for expressing all that is harmful which is much of what I have been doing.
As soon as we wager or pitch ourselves against another we actually need to be asking – ‘what am I not appreciating about myself that I want to compare my uniqueness with another?’
Great question Rachael, l love your wisdom.
Competiton always asks us to do better or more. It never asks us the true energetic quality of what we are doing. Competition gives us a peak experience – peak in the sense of a super high that has been achieved, but then we come crashing down. Or, if we come second, it is a reverse peak where we feel we have failed. Imaging training for 1 whole year to run a 100 m race and to come second (and have ‘failed’) – because you were 0.04 seconds behind the first runner…And yet without the other person you would have been heralded as the winner, the ‘best’. Yet what is the quality that you have allowed in your body – what did you have to put your body through in order to pursue this end result?
Those activities and things that we do that grow us come from the things that care deeply for ourselves and as a result inspire others to do like wise. Whereas those activities and things that we do that are done from a recognition, a need and a want to be seen in some way are not done to inspire another though they might be disguised as such. There is much for us to explore in this, and learn and grow!
Suzanne this is a great point here – “The problem with doing this, is that everything I then did was scored against what another is, or had done.” – this is the way our society and our world is set up, as a form of comparison and constantly so. Our world is not set up to inspire and to support each other to grow, but instead is configured to pit one against another under the guise of spurring us on. But competition in itself is not healthy and does not foster unity which sorely lacks in our world. Hence as you have presented, connection with self is what develops the strengths that we hold within, to share with the world in an inspiring way, to lift and support others to feel it from within themselves too.
I am the youngest of three girls and I constantly was in comparison, never feeling that I was enough and that whatever my sisters had I was trying to meet or do better to make me feel worthy. Still, to this day I can see how this laces my life and I am realising how deeply seeded this comparison really is; layers and layers, but until I heal my self-worth issues nothing will ever really change.
Beautiful Suzanne, ‘Slowly it became less about what and how others saw me, and more about how I felt I wanted to be, for me. My outlook changed and the need to compare has slowly fallen away. This took the pressure off for the first time in my life.’ I have been feeling this lately too, I am feeling more content and accepting of who I am and thinking less about how others are and trying to be like them, it feels lovely to have this self acceptance and love for myself and means that I am looking less outside of myself for how to be and connecting more to within to who I truly am.
Comparing ourselves in any way to someone else takes us away from the settled and steady feeling we have in our bodies. It literally upsets us and puts us on edge and in this state we can be swayed further from the truth of who we are. We can mask this feeling quite easily but as we grow more honest we see it is undeniably there.
It is great you have come to feel and realise that it matters far more who you are than what you do. I think this can be a big one for everyone. From experience I know if we base our lives on not who we truly are but what we ‘do’ no matter how much we do there is still an absolute feeling of emptiness. True connection is the key with ourselves, others and the universe and Universal Medicine have shown many many people including myself the truth regarding of this.
What a beautiful, honest piece of writing. Thank you Suzanne. This line – “eventually I asked myself this: if I’ve spent a lifetime watching how everyone else does it first, and then modifying my behaviour to fit in and exceed, how would I even be able to feel clearly for myself?” – really struck me. Mainly because it was so honest and then because you then gave yourself such understanding and then grace to proceed to slowly feel for yourself. It is when we question, we gain the answers.
Sometimes I feel comparison is good, in the sense of it inspiring me to be more. For example I may compare myself to Natalie or Simone Benhayon because I am blown away by the level of love, commitment, purpose and responsibility they bring to humanity, how they approach life and the vast amount of work they do.
Great blog Suzanne, very supportive and easy to relate to because many if not all of us have experienced comparison in our lives. Comparison creates tension and drives relationships apart because of the competitiveness and separative nature of this behavior. It comes in many forms, some are sinister and very obvious, and some are very subtle and unnoticeable which often leads us to think it is pretty normal. But when we connect to how we feel and what our body communicates to us, any form of comparison feels awful, unloving and vile. Letting go of comparison frees us up to express who we are and our natural loving ways.
Children feel it with and from parents and unless it is addressed head on it can tear families apart well into the next generation so this really is something we need to talk about.
Feeling for myself has been something that has and still requires a lot of patience as I learn that to feel how to be in life requires no attachments to how it should look, how others do it, or what others may say. This detachment from relying on an image is a slow process but one worth continuing as for as long as I have a mental picture which is always based on how another is in life or how I have been previously, then there is comparison and never appreciation for who I am right now or what my particular flavour contributes to life.
Such an extensive trap that it is undoubtedly worldwide in its cast… “Any measure of my own worth or value (which I determined by my ability to do stuff) was externally gained, as I compared myself to others”. This is how we fall into judging ourselves and others ..and then set ourselves up to complete – according to the outcome of that judgement. I find that self-acceptance and getting to know and appreciate who I am and what I bring to life, has been a true antidote to my part in that pandemic malaise.
I find that the more I truly appreciate myself and the qualities that are within me and that I can bring to life the less I judge and compare myself to others. Thank goodness for Serge Benhayon helping me to recognise this!
‘As I master my competitive spirit, the genuine love I have for myself increases and leaves more room in my body for the things that do really matter.’ Beautiful Suzanne, and yes this is my experience too although sometimes I can get hooked in the old way of looking outside of myself which leaves me tired and eventually leads in me withdrawing instead of taking responsibility by being inspired by the other person.
You could have been writing about me! I only ever did things I was good at so that I could be the best at everything. So much of my worth was pinned on how well I achieved which always left me feeling empty and needing to achieve more. But nothing was ever enough. Appreciating myself for who I am and not what I do, and not relying on others to fill my self-love cup changed everything.
The comparison thing really is a lot of pressure, and we don’t even realise it because we are so caught up in it and accept it as normal. I’m able to catch myself out more and more, but as you say it’s so insidious, that there are many times I don’t even realise I’m doing it.
But….it’s amazing that I’m aware of it and willing to say no to it when I do catch it. We all have something to offer in our own flavour, and the time we waste comparing ourselves to others is time and energy lost just being who we are!
Great to re-read this again. It never serves us to look outside of ourselves because we are assuming the other person is clear and knows exactly what they are doing, but they may be floundering also and copying someone else. It is so easy to see someone who is loud or confident and run with the idea that they know how to do something and then push aside our own knowings in favour of someone else’s opinions.
In a world that is in the majority set up to recognise us for our actions and not the actual energetic quality or way in which we carry out those actions it is healing indeed to realise that – “The who I am matters far more than what I do.”
Is comparison always such a bad thing? On some levels absolutely, yes, but what if on other levels, no, such as when you see someone who totally loves their body and themself, and who takes care of themself, with not having overweight legs, and dresses in absolute love of their body – they are not ashamed to dress in a way that shows their curves or sexiness, without being sexual or provocative, so forget pouting and using breasts to get attention. I’m more talking about a sexy, playful, cheeky, graceful woman who is truly in love with herself and her body. Now to compare yourself to this, and feel awful, and maybe even jealous, because you know they are reflecting to you what you are but are not choosing, the fact you can live this if you choose to, you are damn sexy, but that packet of biscuits a day, self-loathing, no exercise and dressing to hide is not working. But seeing this person has ruffled something inside of you, maybe to the point of being able to say, “okay, you know what, how I am living, dressing, eating and treating myself is not working, I want what she’s got. Gosh, why not, I can be that too” – and actually being inspired to be you, and doing something about it, to stop hiding, to be damn sexy, cute, be seen, dress, move, live and be in a way you feel to, not for anyone else, and take care of yourself. That, in my book, is a great thing.
This is spot on Suzanne ‘The who I am matters far more than what I do.’ It is crazy that the school system encourages competition against each other that leads to comparison and a lot of students ‘feeling less’, and feeling the need to ‘do’ more to be recognised and accepted. It would be great to have lessons about appreciation and acceptance of ourselves for just being who we are, I am sure the children would naturally excel without the pressure to perform.
Reading this I realise I am often comparing myself to others to gauge whether where I am, what I do is normal or not. The thing is, the world, in general, is not living a life that actually inspires me. I’ve tried all the rewards, the ups and the negatives, and neither brings joy or harmony. None of these antics work as no reward brings satisfaction especially in excess. It’s like having one chocolate is better than having the whole box but one chocolate is never enough so both options fail to deliver in the same way as looking outside of myself for solutions and solace does. So it’s lovely to come back to myself and my inner knowing whenever I notice I’m comparing how I should be to what I think others think is normal or good or aspirational.
Constantly looking for validation from others or not trusting our own judgement only adds towards us not knowing ourselves, and it is only when we start to build that relationship do we feel that we have something to contribute, instead of looking to others for the answers.
‘if I’ve spent a lifetime watching how everyone else does it first, and then modifying my behaviour to fit in and exceed, how would I even be able to feel clearly for myself?’. I can relate to this. I have spent lifetimes watching others for their responses, reactions, movements to try to gauge how I should be behaving so I can ‘get it right’ (whatever that means!) and fit in. The more I reconnect to me and learn to feel and hear what my body is communicating to me, the less I look outside to others for clues as to how I should be.
Comparing ourselves with another is a killer, the body becomes exhausted and the mind is always working overtime. There is no true connection in the body. To break the cycle one has to start coming back to self worth true loving choices.
I so agree – that the realisation of ‘who we are’ matters so much more than ‘what we do’ – it is like a different world, even another dimension. Thank you for sharing this here Suzanne – it is very inspiring.
Suzanne,
Your honesty here is so refreshing. Like you comparison was rife in my life, and whilst it never felt good, it seemed to be a normal part of life that I simply had to deal with as best I could, so begun a life time of playing the game of better than and less than. At times this can still sneak in, so I am not at all fully free of choosing to compare to another. However with every day my presence and sense of self deepens and my love is lived more and more, so comparison is becoming a way of being that simply doesn’t fit with the beauty and grace I now feel.
Comparing ourselves with others is exhausting as it is never satisfied for more than a few minutes, and then we are onto the next comparison fix. This blog is a great example of how addictive comparison is and how it stills leaves us empty wanting more.
When we look outside of ourselves for the measure of our worth or value then we are negating the one person who can truly give us that sense of worth – ourselves! The quality we bring to any task at hand is far richer when we truly appreciate who we are.
I have seen how comparison breaks down the potential for intimacy between people. The dearest sweetest friends who share everything together, can be torn apart by it. There is too much tension in the world, with everyone looking at eachother and comparing, when we can just be side by side, communicating life and experiences, with no one greater or more special, just loving and learning and all on our own paths.
“The who I am matters far more than what I do.” – The connection with who we truly are lays the foundation for how we then do what we do and imbues it with a totally different quality to when we’re coming from a stance of thinking we have to perform in a certain way to meet expectations.
It is interesting how we learn since we are quite young to play people using their own expectations to promote an image of ourselves that confirm what we are selling to others.
Living in comparison is a constant tension that we can hold that doesn’t allow the space for us to rest in who we are. In comparison there is always the drive to do or be more which leaves us constantly unfulfilled. Through appreciation, we begin to discover the beauty of who we are and celebrate ourselves which builds a firm foundation from which comparison can then start to drop away.
“Eventually I asked myself this: if I’ve spent a lifetime watching how everyone else does it first, and then modifying my behaviour to fit in and exceed, how would I even be able to feel clearly for myself?” When I read this line I felt just how much comparison caps us regardless of who we compare ourselves to, for if we first look to others to mark what is possible then we are in fact subject to their limitations when we may not have these limitations ourselves. When we express from our soul in whatever it is we do we express our full potential and this is limitless.
We can really set ourselves up with living a life of living up to our own expectations rather than seeing where we are is perfect.
In a world built on comparison and competition it is really an achievement to step out and dare be our self.
What I am finding is there is a big difference between doing something with the intent for people’s recognition, and delivering something without the need for anything back. The latter is from God but where there is one drop of seeking any attention, recognition, or feedback from outside ourselves it comes from self and its purpose is only for self.
We compare ourselves with others when we lack confidence or self worth and with that are not appreciating who we are from within. This lack of connection with the love that lives within makes us feeling less and not confident in ourselves and feeds the need to strive to become equal or better than someone else and in fact does not brings us anywhere as it is that inner connection that we actually all miss so much.
Comparison places constant strain on us and puts us under a lot of pressure as there is always something that we need to improve or achieve. Letting go of comparison allows the body to be at ease and us to be our natural selves living the magic that each moment holds.
What a release from mental torture it is to learn to accept and own our own feelings and what is important, instead of measuring our every move based on that of another! Crazy and yet it is this behaviour that dominates and is encouraged in our world. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and the Truth that he lives and presents – a true light to lead us back to our own unique expression of our being.
Whilst reading your blog Suzanne I was painfully aware of how I was parented and how I parented, that is based on comparison, competition and achievement. Clearly I now know that this way of parenting does not work. I now understand that life is about who we are, not what we do and that we are all equal.
There is always room for self-reflection and for that reflection to be an important part of self development, of taking the time to appreciate yourself and all the qualities you are.
I too grew up in a very competitive environment and have had to learn that who I am right now is more than enough. What I have a tendency to do is think I should be “further along”, “more highly initiated”, these thoughts do not allow me to appreciate me right now, as the beautiful, intelligent, sexy,loving woman I am.
I feel like comparison is somewhat born our of not holding ourselves as equal to the rest. Comparison is a constant measurement of ups and downs. We are either higher than this person or lower then that one, but just as long as we are higher than someone it doesn’t really matter about being lower than some. How exhausting! Holding ourselves in equal-ness and knowing that everyone is indeed full and made of love just like everyone else, can pave the way for appreciating our uniqueness, skills, strengths and weaknesses in how we express as ourselves.
Beautifully said Rachael. I can see that comparison always confirms we are less than who we are regardless of whether we feel we are in some way better or worse than another.
What a great unfolding of self-love and appreciation for quality and not the ‘doing’. Interesting how you found the competitive behaviour still there when becoming more gentle and loving with yourself. I have certainly experienced this with myself too, wanting to be more gentle or more delicate than others, which sounds absolutely silly to admit in words actually! I’ve found that changing my perspective and knowing that it is a behaviour (not me), and allowing it to be a marker of where I can deepen my own love with myself, brings a lot more opportunity to heal it.
It’s hard trying to convince ourselves that we are good enough when all that the world ever offers is a recognition based on what we do, but what I love about this is that whatever the world tries to throws at us, we have this physical body that, once connected and felt deeply, offers the undeniable loveliness within that can never be questioned, and we know we are of pure divinity.
‘In the beginning though, this knowledge of how to live gently became yet another field to compare myself with and compete against others. Two steps forward, one step back!’ Oh yes, I applied my very familiar pattern of comparing myself in living gently and did my very best instead of doing it for me, no reward needed just becoming more of me because I am worth being cared for by myself.
‘This meant I lived in such a way that I never felt good enough, I could always do better or What an exhausting way of life.’ Comparison is a killer in every way, it separates us from each other and we are constantly in motion and looking outside of ourselves to better our lives but never appreciating what is actually right under our nose, our innate qualities ready to be lived the moment we stop comparing and competing.
Comparison is such a massive factor that we all live with, are conditioned by yet somehow allow to run our lives. We constantly want to be ‘better’ in any way shape or form than another. Somehow if we are ‘better’ then we are ok but how can we be if it at the expense of another. True settlement only comes from equality and until we have equality we will constantly live with an underlying tension in our bodies.
Thank you for your honesty, Suzanne. I can very much relate to this and am also coming to love myself just for being me rather than only by what I do in relation to the rest of the world. This is an ongoing process, as I still occasionally get hooked into looking outside of myself to measure my self worth. When I do connect to the love inside me, and give it to myself, the body comes alive with joy.
Awesome Janet. I too am working on building self-love, self-worth and a deeper level of appreciation for myself and this then supports me to let comparison go and be open and loving, to myself and people around me.
If we choose a life of comparison we will never find out what we truly feel for ourselves. How disconnected from who we truly are can we live, and it will never provide us with the fulfillment we get when we let go of the comparison and appreciate what we feel and know for ourselves instead.
Looking at how others do things and then comparing ourselves only serves to set in the ideals and beliefs of not being good enough, and what then happens is that anytime we do know what to do in a situation we will override it in favour of another’s views and give our power away. We can learn so much by listening to ourselves and our inner knowing than always thinking others know better.
The trying and pressure that comes with comparison has been a big one for me. Never feeling good enough in my own life because somewhere around me there’s someone else doing ‘better’. But this ‘better’ is only maintained by my focus on a perception that I am lesser. Coming out of this ‘I am lesser’ attitude is a process I am learning to accept, it’s not an instant jump to fully accepting oneself but it can be instant in accepting each moment for what it is and where I am at in that moment.
Suzanne, you’ve exposed for me today how that insidious comparison goes deeper than I think .. being asked to feel for myself can still at times be a challenge for me, but I never made that connection to comparison until today, and it makes perfect sense. If I am constantly looking out and comparing then of course I am eroding my own ability to feel for myself, as I am no confirming myself and how I feel in my body – this is huge and great to see and I can feel a huge letting go here as I drop the pressure of having to get it right and understand that the more I allow myself to feel, the more I will feel, and because I’ve been comparing for a long time, this muscle needs time to strengthen more and I can allow myself the space to do that. Thank you, it’s been hugely healing for me to read this today and understand more how I’ve been and how that has changed.
I just loved reading you blog Suzanne, I have been in competition in a different way I have been competing with the good and right box through out my life, always coming up with the never good enough, I too am coming to trust and feel what my body is telling me that I am enough, no more trying to live up to something outside of me, I am learning to just be me, the loving and deeply caring person I am and allow this to all unfold without any trying to be.
Awesome blog Suzanne, I just loved the way you so freely expressed how important it is for us all to master that competitive spirit that lies within us all.
Comparison can be a very big thing in life, that it is something we build our whole life on. But when we slowly but surely get the awareness of the amazingness that we are, we can shed this skin of protection, what it actually is, which frees up much room for us to expand in love for ourself and others.
I know that too Suzanne, to always compare myself with others, If I did it not out of competition, then it was to be the same as and to fit in with others, always watching how others where doing and never followed a spontaneous impulse I felt within. That I was not able to allow myself to do. Now I am learning this and it is sometime painful to feel how difficult it now for me is to follow my impulse and just to do what I feel that I want to do without looking to others but just to follow what I know and feel to do.
Suzanne, this is exactly it – when we measure our worth against that of another, no one wins, everyone is left feeling empty and worthless. Equality brings a whole new meaning and depths to relationships, where everyone has their worth based on who they are and not what they can do.
I learnt at a very early age that I hated the feeling of being competitive I really disliked myself when I went into this mode, a lot of that feeling had to do with my lack of self worth and appreciation. I consequently positioned myself to avoid all competition, I played less, much, much less, I kept myself average and tried to not stand out.
Comparison is a great way to numb ourselves. The moment we compare ourselves we have shrunk, we are not in our fullness anymore. We are not loving anymore, we are simply less. If we then compete, we add adrenalin to the process which numbs us further.
Comparison as you, I and many others have learned Suzanne, is exhausting, yet that is how we have lived for so long. To have finally discovered, like you have, that “ who I am matters far more than what I do” is one of the most life changing realisations I have ever had. The comparison still sneaks in every now and then, but feels so horrible in my body I notice it very quickly and then make the choice to let it go; a work in progress, but one that is absolutely worth committing to.
I could absolutely relate to being asked to feel but then looking out to see how everyone else was doing it, like that would teach me how to connect to me. Crazy. But what a gorgeous process to be able to let go of that and trust in your own connection and doing what feels right for you and no other. Letting go of needing to be anything other than what is true for you is life changing for when you feel you are enough, you don’t need to achieve or be anything other than just you.
I love the ‘re-training’ that is happening across the world as people come across Universal Medicine and they see (in their own time and way) that the way they have been living can be let go and a more natural and truer way can be lived. It is a process – and yes sometimes a slow one – but I love that it is happening and people are starting to query the momentum’s that have been shaping their lives. And working with themselves to let go of the old and ‘re-train’ themselves in the new. It is a commitment and dedication to do that.
Comparison from another can be felt even when not said.
Comparison deeply hurts and destroys, it’s a self- sabotaging choice, and one that does not serve humanity, for you are either confirming being less, lack of self worth, or being arrogant and thinking you are better or more, when the truth is we are all one and the same. It comes from being deeply hurt and not being honoured and adored for who you are, so at a young age we learn to look outside ourselves for love and see that we / others get recognised / attention for what we do rather than who we are, and reduce our light, our knowing, our truth and accept this as better than nothing; we accept less than true love. Rather than seeing and feeling that it’s the lack of self love that is driving this.
Comparison is rife and championed in primary schools, and to be truthful it is deeply saddening to see the devastation on a childs’ face and how we encourage this.
Confirmation is the key to eliminating comparison.
Comparison is like a poison, it gets in and can permeate through a person and or situation. It is divisive and never ever can someone feel or be love when they are in comparison. This is something I have experienced, I am sure everyone has to some degree, so Suzanne what you have shared is I can imagine the experience for many. When comparison does arise, within myself, with others, I see this now as a marker that I am not with myself. That it is a stop moment for me to come back, breath, get rid of the thoughts that are not loving.
Comparison and competition can only exist after a division has been made. Our most natural state is to live and breathe as One, which is Soul. By separating from this, we create two: the Soul and now the spirit that has departed from it. Rather than make it our focus to move in a way that assists our spirit to re-join the true light and love of our Soul, we instead, as a clever diversion, focus on the movements of others and lose ourselves in an endless foray of competition and comparison to afford us an excuse to be ‘bigger and better’ than each other but nowhere near the true enormity we are when we live together as the One expressing light of God. In other words, competition and comparison exists to keep us living less then the All that we are.
This is a great dissection of why we do what we do, when we forget to be what we truly are – love. We are masters of love, as well as how to hide it. Renouncing our competitive behaviour paves the way for grandness we already are, to shine forth unencumbered.
“We are masters of love, as well as how to hide it”. This is so true Liane. What I have learned is that to be a master of love comes so naturally to us when we allow it to, but to hold it back, to hide it, we have to call in a huge force, and that is what devastates us in the end.
It is deeply saddening that we knowingly want and choose to attack ourselves or another’s light, “wow you shine so bright, I can’t have that as it shows me where I am at, or that I can be that too but I’m just not choosing it” through comparison.
I didn’t realise just how much I destroy myself with the energy of comparison,you can feel it so strongly in the body. It’s been really evident recently, even over tiny little things I have chosen to not feel before. What I have been doing rather than making it a big deal or going into the drama of it, which is just self bashing and makes it worse for everybody, is calling out the energy – just simply saying comparison to myself when I feel that’s what I have chosen to go into, through a lack of self worth – all very cool as it supports me to detach from what’s going on and observe it, and with that know I need to work on the root of where it came from, what’s really triggering it, and clearing and healing that from my body.
Comparison is rife in schools, and it actually is very shocking, saddening and in truth hurts to feel and see. Why?, because there are all these amazing kids, who don’t realise or value just how awesome they are. Everything is taught and fostered to compare yourself to another or attain something outside of yourself, that will never be reached, as there is always more, and so the cycle of a lack of self worth, self abuse and self bashing continues with the feeling of not being good enough playing out in many ways. You can see the devastation on the kids faces and feel it from their bodies.
It’s interesting how comparison comes from a lack of self worth, self loathing or not feeling good enough – address these and we would have no comparison.
Deep down we do know that a life of comparison can never be fulfilling and yet we still get caught in the illusion that we are getting somewhere and achieving something until such time as we see through it completely. By appreciating ourselves we start to build an inner confidence and self-love which then fills the void which we are trying to fill by doing things for recognition. Eventually, it is possible to value oneself enough that there is no longer any need to prove oneself to others and therefore no need to judge, compare or try.
Great blog Suzanne, very familiar to me, and oh so good to be finally seeing through it and letting it go. It’s true that it’s the “internal comparisons that were far more insidious” and very harmful to the body. It’s a terrible form of self-abuse because it works inside you and never lets you rest as you try to outdo even your own achievements and are always looking for more, better, bigger, smarter. . . . . On this momentum you never even stop to appreciate what you have actually done and you identify totally with what you do. It is a ‘re-learning’ or even an unlearning to return to our natural way of being where, instead of “ modifying my behaviour to fit in” we can just be as we are in response to what is needed to be done.
Comparison is like comparing pictures – someone’s picture I may like and try to emulate but it maybe not where I need to be because I have other lessons to learn. So I’ve had knee jerk reactions to emotions – feeling lonely so I’ve sought a partner. Or wanting a nice car but haven’t had the money so have bought a dodgy car that turns out not to be too good to be true! If I don’t feel where I’m at I won’t know what it is that will support me. The honesty and understanding this requires brings me the intimacy I seek. It brings me the commitment, the responsibility with money that will allow me to buy a car that supports me. But if I just stay with comparison I stay in reaction and don’t learn responsibility and that I have to put in the work to undo all the unloving choices I have made. This work is a blessing because I get to appreciate being responsible is who I am and the riches it brings.
I’m realising how much comparison and it’s twin jealousy crumple me. So I notice loving choices someone is making that I’ve not but I too want to make them. There’s nothing stopping me making loving choices but if I go into comparison and put myself or the other person down I make myself one step further away from making loving choices that will support me. So honestly where I’ve not been loving with myself, honestly to say this hurts and I don’t like it rather than justify it. and appreciation that I’ve chosen to be honest and start to make loving choices, appreciate being with myself as I do and not condemn or abandon myself.
‘Slowly it became less about what and how others saw me, and more about how I felt I wanted to be, for me.’
It’s so exhausting wondering how others are doing or what they’re thinking of me and, at the end of the day, it makes little difference to my life. Even if someone says they love me, unless I’m loving myself or open to being the love that I am closing myself off to this love. So what a revelation to become responsible for being how I want to be for me, liberation from all the shoulds and ought to’s, feeling who I am and living this love – even when I’ve let in energy that’s not me I am more aware it’s not me and can choose to let it go.
“The accolades for scoring highly were awesome for about five minutes, but then time moved on and there was something else that could be done. I never even really celebrated much.” – that’s it. Once the trophy has been won, so to speak, it’s onto the next achievement without stopping to appreciate oneself. There is no repose, just constant motion.
Comparison starts so young. It starts as soon as we realise we get applauded and congratulated for what we do well, or get ignored or even criticised for what we don’t do well. We start focussing on getting the attention for what we do when we’ve stopped being met just for who we are.
Comparison is huge and destroys many people. It is interesting how you can be the ‘top dog’ in one situation say at junior school and then find yourself right at the bottom when you start senior school. There is always going to be someone better and someone worse than you at something – so it is crazy to compare. After all how do you know how much effort and time they have spent into dedicating themselves to that particular thing and regardless of what anyone does I have come to realise that the only way I can be content with myself and in my body is if I am looking after my quality 1st. The moment I look outward for recognition, acceptance or anything like that I become racy and lose focus quite quickly.
Comparison has presented itself in my life time and time again. It is a big one for all of us, looking to another, looking outside of ourselves for some kind of validation, some kind of acceptance, what is it we are searching or seeking from others. Acceptance is a big one, recognition is another. But it isn’t until we realise even if we get that from another, that feeling we have been seeking, it is short lived and the emptiness comes again, so then we are off looking for that something outside of us again to fill that emptiness. Finding that fullness and love from within is ‘the’ only antidote to comparison.
Gorgeous blog Suzanne! “But with this trust, I can then do, in a way that feels right for me – and not because I am trying to outdo someone else.” I love the way this sentence sums up so much of what you share here. It helps me to understand that we get pulled so far away from what is true from us when we begin to compete and compare. Connecting to ourselves and what our bodies and souls are asking for is clearly a far more responsible and loving choice.
It’s amazing how much we can build our life on seeking recognition, looking to the outside for validation and our sense of worth. I know I’ve certainly done that and at times still catch myself going there but through the fantastic clarity and support of Universal Medicine I’m now much more aware of if I start to go there and can instead bring myself back to my true expression.
Comparison is an unending cycle of dis-ease tension and disharmony in the body for there is always someone better to compare to and when that is reached it is never enough. It is not what we can do that is our worth but who we are, we are already everything.
Competition in the world is something we learn. I remember being little and loving doing things yet everything, dancing, cake decorating, camping, playing ball, swimming, was turned into a competition and I remember not understanding it at all. Consequently I was left out and definitely not an asset to the team. Yet we now know how poisonous competition feels in our bodies. How do we change a world set up for competition in everything? We honestly look at the tiniest aspects of competition within us. So even though I didn’t think I was competitive, I am now aware that those little things, comparing in any way, is that competition within me, and because of awareness I can let it go.
Every time we compare we are taking a sip from the poisoned cup.
“…comparison always led to competiveness. This meant I lived in such a way that I never felt good enough, I could always do better or more….” So true Suzanne and I can relate to feeling this. “Slowly it became less about what and how others saw me, and more about how I felt I wanted to be, for me. My outlook changed and the need to compare has slowly fallen away,” Great that you can now accept you are exactly where you need to be – as we all are – and can acknowledge your awesomeness.
This competitive edge I know is very decieving as it will be never enough, and never will someone truly appreciate you from these efforts, while that is what I feel we are after. This is inspiring to see all the pockets in life where there is this competition and comparison as I know it has a great affect on how I feel and see myself, it is a choice to see more than our achievements.
Winning may provide a transitory ‘buzz’, but at what expense to us and our bodies? It is rather sad we settle for recognition when in truth we want to be accepted and met for who we truly are and not based on what we do.
I also felt this when I was involved in competition physical culture, I would feel incredibly nervous and sick in the stomach. Really confirms how unnatural it is to pit ourselves against each other.
“Slowly it became less about what and how others saw me, and more about how I felt I wanted to be, for me. My outlook changed and the need to compare has slowly fallen away” I can so relate to your blog Suzanne. My whole life used to be about comparing myself with others, to see if I came up to scratch! Exhausting! Recently I introduced appreciation into my life and when I catch myself judging I start to appreciate, be it myself or others. The effect is remarkable. Thanks to Serge Benhayon for presenting this gift – truly life-transforming.
when there is competitiveness or comparison, there is always the judgement associated with it, which is felt by the other and harming to all, as it entrenches the false separation betweeen each other. Appreciation opens the door to greater connection and greater understanding of the truth we share and are from.
Yes we judge we are either ‘more’ or ”less than another and we then separate from each other. There are no true wins in competition and it can never fill the emptiness felt from separating from oneself.
It’s easy to understand from what you’ve shared Suzanne how comparison makes us lose ourselves completely, for when we’re focusing on another we are completely out of touch with what we are feeling is right for us in any given situation.
‘I’ve realised, with a lot of time and patience, that who I am is awesome, and is perfect for where I need to be. The who I am matters far more than what I do. ‘ – Well said Suzanne, how different the world would be if all children were celebrated for their amazingness, there would be no room for comparison or competition as we would all feel more complete and love the qualities we bring.
Seeking recognition and approval from others seems to be the root cause of becoming caught up in comparison and competition, it is that need to be seen at being better than another at whatever we do which then has to be exceeded by another task that we feel we need to prove ourselves keeps us in separation from knowing who we really are and what feels true for ourself and as you expressed Suzanne this continuous drive causes tension within the body. The first step in changing this ingrained behaviour is to be honest enough to recognise what we have been doing and how harmful this is to ourself and to others and to be willing to appreciate our own unique qualities. Imagine Suzanne if all were as willing as you have been to do this, there would then be the opportunity for us all to see and accept each others unique qualities. How glorious that would be, working together instead of trying to outdo each other.
When we are always comparing ourself with others or competing, we are not living in natural harmony with either ourselves or others and the result is harming not only us, but those that we compare and compete against too.
From my own experience I have found competition and achievements became a vicious cycle, because the more competitive I was the more competitive I became. And continually compared myself with others in order to get recognition, which was a continual cycle until I learnt that there was another way to live.
When we constantly compare, we forget to shine our own light. Then when people meet you, they don’t get the opportunity to see your unique light. We all have our unique light to shine, such a waste if we don’t shine it brightly…
Comparison is something that I too have done at times to my detriment. Learning that I am who I am and that we are all unique, but equal at the same time helped immensely.
Comparison and competitivness feel like major viruses plaguing humanity today.
To measure our worth not by what we do is crucial to remember..we are worthy by our quality not by our doingness.
Letting go of the comparison with others and the drive to seek recognition for what you do brings a freedom to just be all the love that you are.
What a great point you make here Cathy, that through our expectations of how an event should turn out, we set ourselves up to feel a lack of worth when things don’t work out as planned. On the other hand, if we simply are just being ourselves and trusting that is good enough in any situation, what ensues can be seen without judgement and one can learn from the event without comparing with another. The other aspect that I was feeling about this, is that that recognition ‘hit’ that one gets when beating another person at something is really a facade in itself as there is always someone else somewhere that is better at a certain thing anyway, and that feeling of being better than another is thus a figment of one’s imagination. But on a grander scale, how can we ever have a world where people are living in harmony with one another and nature if we are all trying to out-do another? It’s a silly game indeed, and one with only a catastrophic ending.
So true that comparison leads to competitiveness. Once we get into competition, then we’re set up for a fall to lack of self worth and ‘not good enough’ when we don’t achieve the picture we’ve created for ourselves to attain. If we do get to our goal then the buzz, the feeling of greatness and achievement only lasts as long as we continue to get recognition from others for our feat. We’re then on the look-out for where we can get the next recognition ‘hit’. So it becomes a continuous boom-bust of effort and energy to fill the emptiness we miss in ourselves when we forget that we are enough already as we are, that being as opposed to doing allows us to let our natural essence come to the fore rather than forcing ourselves to be adept and capable in those things around us that attract recognition from others.
The process of comparison leading to competitiveness as you have described here Cathy is not only full of drive and tension, but is exhausting! I’ve found the more I let go of this, the more vital and free I feel and the more freeing it is for those around me, which is a stark contrast to the imposing energy that comes with comparison and competition.
wow… what a moment this was…”when I was asked to feel for myself. Immediately, I looked outside to see what everyone else was feeling so I could compare it with me – and came up with nothing!…” The bottom of that U-turn back to you Suzanne. As confronting this is, what a gift to recognise and then begin the steps back towards yourself. Awesome blog, and I can totally relate to what you have shared.
Absolutely Abby, and as Suzanne states our “internal comparison” is something we put up to feel we are the best and ” I knew there were others who still achieved more,” I have also always found this when I try to out compete others, that there was always someone who is better or has ” achieved more”. Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon have shared how life can be lived with out comparison, so now I feel how amazing I am to be just me without any competition or comparison.
Thank you Suzanne, understanding stress and anxiety is well covered in the online course, Understanding Anxiety in Men – ONLINE COURSE
http://study.coum.org/enrol/index.php?id=14
Thank you for sharing so clearly the harm and hollowness of success and security achieved based upon comparison and being ‘better’ than another. As you share there is always another goal to achieve and so the result is to never feel enough, while true success and fulfillment in fact comes from “… who I am matters far more than what I do.”
That is beautifully expressed, Suzanne: “I’ve realised, with a lot of time and patience, that who I am is awesome, and is perfect for where I need to be. The who I am matters far more than what I do. As I master my competitive spirit, the genuine love I have for myself increases and leaves more room in my body for the things that do really matter.” As I know competition also as a kind of false fuel, a substance so to speak that creates an addiction and therefore never ending circles of doing and searching on the outside for something that can never be reached – in these circles, everything is just a substitute. So getting my connection to my own inner essence and deep beauty is the key to break these self-created circles. And how beautiful will be a society with less competition and more “room for the things that do really matter”.
Suzanne this blog does a great job in exposing the development of comparison and how destructive it can be. I particularly like the way you identify comparison as leading to an inability to trust your own inner feelings, I haven’t looked at it this way before and this adds to my self understanding. I see now how as my unfolding self love has also coincided with letting go of the need to compare, this is still a work in progress and I appreciate your contribution 🙂
Suzanne, you expose here that the evil of comparison and competition lies in the fact that there is always someone better and someone less, and therefore that there can never be true equality in this (no matter how much we herald otherwise) – and therefore it can never be about ‘all’, which is also why it can never feel complete and ultimately always leaves us empty.
You’re right Suzanne, comparison and competition are empty pursuits. It is so much more beautiful to feel how amazing we are, appreciate that and how amazing everyone else is. It’s a great thing to practise.
What you share here Suzanne is deeply inspiring and supportive for us all. Comparison can be so subtle at times creeping in making us doubt ourselves and who we are. The more I learn to truly love and appreciate myself and the amazing qualities I bring, it is clear there is no longer room for comparison. To celebrate the greatness we are allows us to celebrate and accept greatness in others.
I was also feeling how when we are in constant comparison we are not letting others in – that is, we are constantly trying to compensate for not feeling enough and our focus in always on recognition so it cannot be on loving another or supporting another – this separation from others exacerbates the feeling of emptiness and disconnection and unless we stop and re-connect back to ourselves and our innate quality, we are likely to increase the need for recognition through comparison and competition- vicious circle.
So true Sarah, it is impossible to let anyone in if I compare myself with them, or even with any one else. The precursor to the comparison is getting to the point where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am enough as the person I am, as a living son of God, same as every one else. With such an understanding and acceptance of this fact, the need to compare simply drops away and my ability to be open for others and let them into my life deepens dramatically. There is no longer any need to prove my worth through what I do and that’s a way of being, a way of living that is my only way forward.
I too have realised that when I compare outside of myself I am not valuing myself for who I am and the quality that I bring. With this constant focus outside of myself I felt an increasing emptiness within, as I was not appreciating, confirming and valuing who I was. This is a great honest blog that we can all learn from as competition and comparison and very common in our day to day lives.
Beautifully expressed Sarah, I can relate to this very well. I also had this constant focus outside of myself and I was sending out the question: “Am I OK?”. Only when I started to go inside me, to find me and to appreciate me for who I am, the less my search for recognition.
I have also felt that being the number one in something does not give me the appreciation if I don´t give it to myself, no matter how many people complimented me. i was very good at college and university, and I also felt that it was not a big deal, “what good did it do if I never appreciated my efforts?” Now through the constant support of Universal Medicine practitioners i get reminded to appreciate my way, my way of being, of doing things, and when I take the time to appreciate it, that is with me for ever, no need for anybody else to compliment me when I feel it myself.
Wow Suzanne, this is such a revelation and so honest in admitting, I am sure many of us can relate with doing this at some point in our life: ‘Eventually I asked myself this: if I’ve spent a lifetime watching how everyone else does it first, and then modifying my behaviour to fit in and exceed, how would I even be able to feel clearly for myself? My body had been shut down for so long that it has been (and still is) a long process to trust in me’. As you so rightly say the ‘who we are’ matters far more than the ‘what we do’. I never realised how much comparison really actually hurts us until this was presented by Universal Medicine and then I could feel the absolute truth in this.
I really love the last lines of your blog Suzanne; I’ve realised, with a lot of time and patience, that who I am is awesome, and is perfect for where I need to be. The who I am matters far more than what I do. As I master my competitive spirit, the genuine love I have for myself increases and leaves more room in my body for the things that do really matter’. Comparison is useless and takes us nowhere, just like you, I am where I need to be and I love it and me.
I agree Suzanne, somehow our strengths get perverted. If we are really good at living in the world, this ability gets turned into competitiveness instead of being a role model and we suddenly don’t feel good at all about the fact that we understand how the world works and can do well within it.
We are all too often set up at an early age to compare and compete and this is encouraged throughout the whole of our lives. It takes true commitment to loosen the hold and begin to free ourselves of this monstrous couple. I feel I am now dedicated in this task as I can already feel how much more spacious and how much more love there is without them – how amazing it would be to not have them around at all.
I agree elainearthey, to not have those words around would be amazing, people would be so different. With no comparison, no competition how different would our lives be.
Thank you Suzanne. There were many little realizations I had and keys you have given us: to live “how I felt I wanted to be, for me”. This feels super true, super powerful and empowering for me to make the choices accordingly.
It’s great to revisit this blog as I can feel in myself how I too have played the game of comparing myself to others as well as competing in life (not only with others but with myself). It feels crazy to think that one can choose this over loving self and accepting self, yet time and time again I along with so many have. I feel the more we accept and love ourselves for who we are, not in perfection, but from a really honest space the more the need to compete or compare just fades away. As after all we are all equal players in life, each with a unique quality that is needed and necessary.
It is gorgeous to read how you no longer look out to the world to gauge how you should be and rather choose to feel this for yourself. The genuine love and appreciation you now have is a beautiful confirmation and reminder that trusting yourself and how you feel is the true way to live.
This is such a big thing for me, I have been constantly comparing myself to others, most of the time feeling not good enough, and when I did exceed others I knew just as you said that it wasn’t a big deal.. I knew and do know more and more that I am more than enough and the only thing comparison does is give permission to feel less and hold back, which is not what I am here for.
As you say Suzanne, what good are we doing if we never appreciate the effort. Appreciation of myself is the way to come out of this game of comparison and competition. While reading your blog another time I’ve got a lot of revelations where I still do compare but not so obvious as I have been looking for, thank you for sharing your life of comparison.
How often do we compare ourselves to ourselves !? I know I do at times, it’s crazy and deeply harming – Holding ourselves in judgement and critique, rather than with compassion and understanding.
And throw some appreciation into the mix too gylrae, as appreciation was and actually still is a very foreign concept for me! Without appreciating myself, the foundation of myself is left with many holes that I can fall through. Without appreciating me, I am always left in the doing and needing to do more, which is then the precursor to comparing myself with another. I should really use the word ‘against’ another, because this is actually what it is, a much more aggressive, fighting way of living.
Absolutely Suzanne and gyl, appreciation, appreciation, appreciation… it really does feel amazing and we all evolve when we accept and honour who we truly are and what we bring.
“Slowly it became less about what and how others saw me, and more about how I felt I wanted to be, ” I love this line Suzanne. I have made it about other people, not in a good way and trying too hard ( literally). Instead of allowing myself to feel, and the big one, accept the fact I am magnificent – and I don’t need to do anything or prove this to anybody.
Dear Suzanne thank you for sharing this. It is truly inspiring and confirming to be even more honest with myself and stop comparing, and give me the space to get back to my own feelings and can trust in them. I really lost trust, and now having the confirmation of what I felt before reflected from people like you writing blogs or coming to the Universal Medicine courses is truly a blessing. I am so grateful for that. Thank You. With love Nadine.
“I’ve realised, with a lot of time and patience, that who I am is awesome, and is perfect for where I need to be. The who I am matters far more than what I do. As I master my competitive spirit, the genuine love I have for myself increases and leaves more room in my body for the things that do really matter.” This is so beautiful Suzanne and inspiring. Thankyou.
Comparing ourselves against others is huge and is probably bigger than I can fully comprehend, but recently I have been looking a little closer at these comparisons and it would seem that they are instantaneous, as though an automatic response to another women coming within eyeshot is all that is required. I would say within seconds many different things have been clocked about the other person and a judgement is formed instantly.
How great to feel the body expand when we give up comparison and competition. The world strives on competition, it is its engine wherever we look. Resisting is hard at first but it becomes easier as I learn to feel the turmoil it creates in my body and slowly let go.
Comparison is rife in life! pun intended, it is how people get through and most don’t even know that they are doing it, as it’s so much a part of how we operate, myself included. It wasn’t until i came upon the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that i began to look at myself deeply, building love within myself and making life about living lovingly, that comparison began to stand out like the nothing else. It still creeps in, sneakily, comparing myself to other women is a big one. But i have so much more awareness and importantly how much if you compare, your dispare!! Not loving at all.
Comparison is rife in life and if you compare, be prepared to despair!! Love your rhyming Raegan, they make fun of this way of being, rightly so.
Most of my life i spent comparing myself to others, which created a lot of self doubt and therefore had to work hard at everything. This in itself is very exhausting. It still comes up now and again, but it does not take control of me anymore and I know longer let the self doubt kick in.
Being one who has constantly compared myself to others, always ensuring that I put myself down, put myself last, said to myself that what I did, was never usually enough. I can so related to what you have shared here. It wasn’t until i was able to truly feel a connection deeply within myself that was not related to the outside world, a connection that was so loving and so profound, that I was able to stop a lot of that comparison. It still comes up at times, I am so much more aware of it and not allow it to dominate who I am and make myself less as a person, but actually celebrate others more for their qualities and what they bring. It is a much more loving way to be and feel those around you.
I have found celebrating and enjoying others and myself has helped me heal a lot of comparison, building more confidence within myself.
Very true Abby
yes and also appreciating and celebrating what we each bring. Everyone has something to celebrate and when we work together it unites and expands us all.
We are setup to compete and compare from such an early age, that most of us grow up with this. Before we even get to school, we’ve been compared to other children in how developed we are, when we first spoke, or took our first steps.
Sandra so true, it’s crazy ohow we get compared so quickly. From the moment we are born, we are compare with our eyes, our hair, how big or small we are. Wow it’s from these small things the big comparisons start coming in.
Great point Sandra, it is from literally from birth comparing starts; the weight and size of the baby, hair no hair, and then the ‘milestones’, walking, talking, teeth. It then becomes an pattern that we are so used to it is hard to stop.
Yes it’s always looking outside to measure how well (or not) we or another is doing.
Absolutely Sandra, but unless we are really observant with ourselves we continue to do it to the children in our lives. It is so natural to compare, as we are constantly doing it to ourselves, that we do it to others often without a thought.
Suzanne I read your story and could only see my reflection of the other side of comparison, failing on purpose to not be seen because, for whatever the reason, I was not enough. The is just as insidious. Universal Medicine has shown me that everyone has a key role to bring to make us all whole.
Thanks Suzane ,by comparison we really let our selves and others down , as it sets the stage for not feeling enough. It is this lack of appreciation and focus on what we don’t have rather than what we do have that perpetuates the search for something more outside our selves. It also applies to competition and pitting our selves against another for recognition or prowess. The wise words to “look within “make so much sense ,as that is where we can built a solid foundation of true self , something that we can call upon when it tough times or dire straits.
And that in fact , if we allow ourselves to be acceptive of where we are and who we are, we actually have no need to change or out-do! Incredible revelation really, we are forever set-free by the acceptance of our (lived) love.
“I realised I had made my life all about what I thought the world wanted of me, and not that I was fundamentally great just being me.” this is an amazing realization to have as often we live our lives comparing to others based on what we perceive the world wants us to be and we keep pushing even tough we know that this way of living is exhausting us and keeps us struggling with feelings of not being good enough and anxiousness. I used to live like this and thanks to Universal Medicine I have turned this around and now enjoy living knowing that I don’t have to compare to others anymore and have learnt to appreciate and accept myself for who I am, a work in progress but it is worth it!
Lovely to read how you have come to feel and appreciate who you truly are. Very inspiring.
‘with this trust, I can then do, in a way that feels right for me – and not because I am trying to outdo someone else.’ When we are expressing from inside out it feels so joyful, it wouldn’t even be possible to ‘outdo’ another, there wouldn’t be a single impulse asking for that.
This blog is medicine for me! One part let me get to a deeper understanding to myself…how would I even be able to feel clearly for myself? My body had been shut down for so long that it has been (and still is) a long process to trust in me.
I know this feeling to start trusting myself again and understand in a deeper way, that if you used to look outside yourself so much, of course there can´t be a connection to our body’s language; we just never paid attention, but the communication is always there.
That little voice of internal comparison is really insidious and damaging, thank you for exposing it so well. It is incredible how pervasive comparison can be in our lives. Beyond the competition that is encouraged and fostered for most of us while we are in school through academics and sport, as well as through peer groups, we are bombarded with comparison on a daily basis through advertising, or simply other people comparing themselves to us. It is exhausting!
I know that I felt for a very long time (and still feel this in many areas) whenever I did something this little voice that would come up in my head that said, “that could have been better”. Or “yeah, that was ok, but you could have done this better” was about as much praise I was willing to give myself. It still comes up often, but the work that I have done with Universal Medicine has enabled me to learn appreciation as the ultimate antidote for these thoughts. Appreciation for myself, and appreciation for others allows for a space to be ourselves truly full of who we are.
This article strikes a loud chord with me. I can remember the constant frustration of never quite living up to my own expectations and constantly criticising myself. This was all in relation to what I did and very rarely about who I am. Since listening to presentations by Universal Medicine I have been enjoying discovering who I am and just being me in all that I do.
A very relatable article for so many, it’s sometimes hard to digest that this is what we have championed, competition leading to comparison, without once considering how this may play out across the globe.
This is one of those eye opening blogs, one where parts literally make me stop and re-read parts as it’s so accurate and relatable. The phrase ‘Monkey see, Monkey do’ comes to mind – so much time and energy is spent on watching others and trying to copy them so that in that sameness we stand on equal ground. But as I have been learning through Universal Medicine when working with energy it doesn’t work like that – you can’t DO gentleness or Love it has to be felt. Love and gentleness can be in what you do, but the feeling comes first. And that through the body, giving that our focus is the key to learning what feels true to us, thank you for this reminder Suzanne 🙂
Thank you Suzanne and Leigh, I agree, love is a lived feeling.
I have never really been competitive sporting wise, when I was younger I had a friend that got really upset when I won, and so the individual sports I didn’t want to participate in as much.. I could do the team sports because at least then it seemed that the misery felt by the other team by loosing wasn’t just my doing. However, I totally agree when you say Suzanne that internal comparisons are far more insidious… I so often check myself against another to make sure what I am doing and how I am is okay, rather then just living a life that feels true to me. I have begun to trust myself again too and it’s a little sad to realise that I’ve had to relearn how to trust myself cause I’ve shut it down for so long. I find this comparison leads to jealousy. It’s crazy that this trust isn’t supported in us from young- we could do self trust building exercises instead of team building exercises hahaha. The world would be a totally different place without competition and comparison, there would be a lot less jealousy, corruption and greed.
This is such an important point to understand, I never realised how ‘damaging’ comparison was. I totally relate to how you say … ‘comparison always led to competitiveness. This meant I lived in such a way that I never felt good enough, I could always do better or more’. This totally exposes why I had quite low self esteem, from all the comparison I allowed in my life. Crazy. I am all I need to be, I just need to learn to share ALL of me with ALL of you.
Suzanne, you’ve really brought forward how sneaky comparison and competition is. I know for myself, I’m still finding out all the time that I’m going into comparison, even when I thought it wasn’t something I did a great deal. Truth is, I pretty much run a lot of my life off it, and have gotten away with it because I’ve refused to acknowledge it. These days I’m becoming more aware of when it enters and starts to play games with me. It’s both interesting and sometimes alarming, but great to catch it out.
I ❤ ❤ ❤ that Universal Medicine has inspired so many people to write things like " that who I am is awesome, and is perfect for where I need to be. The who I am matters far more than what I do". It makes my heart sing, my booty shake and my shoulder shimmy. Go you – both UM and the student body – we are a pretty good combination!
Comparison is HUGE and if it is not the comparison we make to others there is also the comparison others make back on what we choose to do that can equally be as harmful. I shows a relationship with another without any single thread of comparison is rare and very very beautiful and innocent to feel. Nothing can be more honouring than claiming the love we truly are and saying no to comparison.
This is great Suzanne – how do we know who we truly are if our whole life has been constructed in relation to others? This is something we all do or have done to varying degrees, because the world has been set up that way – there can only be one winner right?! There can only be one ‘best’. We are so conditioned that only the best will be deserving of love, or receive the recognition – a far cry from the fact that we are actually designed to work together – and we each hold a piece of the whole that is needed for us all to be the ‘ones’.
I can relate so well to what you say and also used to be so arrogant when I felt ‘better’ than another. Encountering Universal Medicine has been amazing in all the ways that you express and “As I master my competitive spirit, the genuine love I have for myself increases and leaves more room in my body for the things that do really matter”.
I can relate to having lived with comparison for what seems like all of my life, starting with my sisters and then the girls at school. It wasn’t until I started to attend courses with Universal Medicine that I started to grasp how destructive it is to myself and to others, or to even see it as a problem.
It seems to me by looking outside of yourselves we are looking for the world to tell us who we are and we will always be disappointed and dissatisfied but the more we get to know ourselves from the inside out, we do not need the world to validate us as we have everything already.
Comparison always leads to competitiveness – so true. We compare because we feel less than or more than others. Learning to accept myself – still a work in progress – is reducing my need to compare and so I learn to love myself for who I am. Looking within rather than out for confirmation and trusting what I feel, as Bianca mentioned – so important.
Dear Suzanne, I almost skipped over the two steps forwards, one step back. Like you, I too had been so shut down, that when I began to attend Universal Medicine, I to continued in the comparison energy. It took a while, but finally I saw the trap for what it is and began the process of cutting these thought processes whenever they arise. Choosing instead to stay firm with my body and feel within the beautiful, articulate, sexy, graceful woman that I am. When I feel such love and strength from inside me, I have no need to compare with anyone else.
Very beautiful ~ thank you Suzanne. I could relate to the insidiousness of comparison and looking outside of myself for so long that I became shut down to what I was feeling. Living from this disconnection is exhausting and leads to much anxiety and nervous tension. I am finding that letting go of any need to be right and giving myself permission to simply feel and accept what I am feeling is very healing, and I too am learning to re-trust what I feel 🙂
Comparing means we can never be one as humanity, because we ‘want’ what the other has or compete to be different, it’s all the same. If we compare, we forget that each of us is one unique part of the entire universe and if we compete, we forget that we are all equal. Seems contradictory, but seeing it from a universal perspective it makes total sense. It is such a big trap that we all fall for!
Great post Suzanne, thankyou. “Comparison always led to competiveness. This meant I lived in such a way that I never felt good enough, I could always do better or more.” I so know this one, never feeling good enough, regardless. Just being our natural beautiful selves is the way to go, after all babies don’t compare! – they are just who they naturally are. Many of us lose this preciousness as we grow older. Time to reclaim being amazing, not for what we do, but for who we are.
An awesome article Suzanne. I loved it and in particular how you shared ‘I realised I had made my life all about what I thought the world wanted of me, and not that I was fundamentally great just being me’. We all have our own unique qualities we bring to the world. These qualities can never be expressed when we are preoccupied with the insatiable and spirited thought processes of not feeling good enough. The truth is we are all need to learn to express our own unique qualities and amazingness, and embrace exactly who and where we are right now in each present moment, human imperfections included.
So true, when we are disconnected from the love that we are, our ‘doings’ become how we recognise and measure our self , and we need something external to tell us we are more/less/better/worse than others to identify ourselves. I am just so familiar with this one.
Reading your blog Suzanne has led me to ponder on the level of competitiveness that I still have. What I am also realising is that just as there is competitiveness there is also giving up, which feels to me as though it is just the opposite. I know many times when I have felt that I haven’t been able to compete, I will go into giving up mode. But neither of these are true. What I am also finding that the more I connect with and deepen my relationship with myself, the competitiveness and the giving up drops away.
Suzanne, I don’t think there are many, if any of us, that have not taken on using comparison at some point in our life. Whether this be through the genuinely accepted forms of achievement or the less suspected area of failure. What one may see as failure another may see as their way to fit in hence be the best at it, so they are seen as the most rebellious.
Comparison is thickly woven throughout our whole society, women can go into comparison through a simple glance in another’s direction. The way we view the whole world can be through the taint of comparison. Maybe this is why we can find so much beauty and wonderment in nature, easier than we do in our fellow man. We can not compare ourselves to nature.
A beautiful sharing Suzanne. For me it highlights the lack of equality in humanity and that there is absolutely no need to compare or compete with another. To just be is enough and allowing ourselves this I find can be quite challenging if the commitment is not there.
How awesome to be so honest and turn your life around, from being so competitive and comparing yourself and achievements to everyone, to now embrace the woman you are within and know that you are enough.
A very refreshing blog to read Suzanne. I found I could relate so well with what you have described. For me conquering the comparison, contraction, jealousy and initial general sense of bewilderment when asked to ‘feel’ when I had been so used to running everything from the mental sphere, has been a huge, slow trip. I am very grateful for the patience and support I have received from Universal Medicine and its practitioners for helping me along this pathway.
Wow Suzanne your honesty is blowing me away . . . Thank you so much for not holding back that is truly inspirational for me.
Great realization Susanne and the freedom for you to break through it. I can so relate to the looking for validation and worth from the outside and not feeling me. I too have had to rebuild my trust in myself and honor me.
Great blog, Suzanne. Your story has inspired me to look more closely at where I am still being competitive and in comparison. Your honesty is great so now it is my turn to do just that: be honest with myself.
This blog is awesome Suzanne, I can so relate to how we can live constantly with this internal drive to be better, to keep striving in order to tick the boxes of approval. It is a sad way to be — other women are just that: ‘other women’, we forget that these women are our sisters and we forget how much we can inspire and learn from each other not when there is caparison and competition, but when there is first and foremost true appreciation of ourselves, and then naturally, of everyone else.
I can relate to this very well – this internal drive to be better, faster, and so on. It feels terrible and I still struggle to stop this momentum. I have done this most of my life. Once I can connect to the ‘beingness’, I feel the difference and what this drive does to my body. It’s time for me to slow down and to accept myself as I am – in my tenderness and delicateness.
All I could think about reading this was how schools bring comparison and competitiveness so strongly into our lives, how the education system promotes a “best” to strive towards which will be bestowed on a select few. This is in both academia and sports and the adult world has these ideals strongly as well. It is emotionally painful to live from this and it’s really stressful for that body, yet all anyone seems to care about is getting to that end result “at the top” regardless of what happens to the body on the way there. Being exposed to this so early in life, no wonder so many people are deeply affected by comparison and competition. Great to read your story Suzanne about coming back to realising you are awesome and enough exactly as you are, and making choices that are loving and supportive for you. How lovely it would be if schools supported children with this same approach.
When you are caught in comparison and aware of the emptiness of your achievements, it is amazing how we don’t stop and workout that 1 and 1 isn’t making 2. Instead we keep searching for the big achievement, the one that will make us feel full and complete. Really when we are congratulated for something we have done, all we want is someone to notice us inside.
This blog has given me much to ponder on, the first realisation is that pretty much anything I have done has been about competing and/or comparison – ouch!
Such a beautifully deep sharing Suzanne. What you have expressed about comparison I too can relate to. And it is so true that once we realise that we have been living a life in comparison and reaction to the outside world, it is a re-learning to live in a way that is from the world we are truly from, the world of love from within. And I love how you have reflected on the body as a marker and how it feels, a wonderful reminder, as for me our bodies are the ultimate navigators for what is true and what is love.
Comparison always leaves us short for we began from a place of lack. What if we started to express from our utmost glory, then we become a unique expression equally worthy of all other unique expressions. There is no better and more to achieve. Thank you Suzanne, there is a lot to ponder from your blog.
Thanks Suzanne, this all makes a lot of sense. Amazing the lengths we go to to get attention, and then to realise that getting attention isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
A very honest sharing and one many can relate to. As a school teacher I see comparison and competitive behaviour celebrated and seen as the norm. It will take a long time for humanity to break through this illusion and to learn to celebrate just being ourselves and connected within.
So true Suzanne, if we are comparing ourselves with other people around us we will never come to appreciate ourselves for the grandness we already are and will have a life that we, as you say, “never even really celebrated much”.
Thank you Suzanne for a great blog, it gives me more of an understanding what so called successful people can go through in wanting to be the best. Great to find that our true worth is not what we do but who we really are deep inside.
Well said Jill, it’s awesome to find that our true worth is not what we do, but who we really are deep inside. This has been quite a shift for me as well. Comparison is so insidious and strongly encouraged by our temporal world; how little do we know how much of our true selves we lose with constantly comparing ourselves to others. It stops us from truly opening up and loving each other deeply. Thanks to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon many are now more aware of what comparison does to us all; it makes losers out of everybody – wins are always very temporary.
Comparison is so ugly. Knowing our own worth and uniqueness is beautiful. No need to compare. Thank you for sharing Suzanne.
Awesome blog. Thank you for reminding me that it’s all about feeling inside and not about outside comparison. Leaves me feeling free.
Comparison, it is so destructive and damaging. Comparison was one of the reasons that drove my sister and I apart. It separates us and destroys relationships. It is empty and uncomfortable. I can choose to let it go by acknowledging it is there and seek understanding as to why it appeared. To be more aware of why and when it appears helps with letting it go. I find when I meet everyone and myself equally with love comparison cannot enter.
This part rings a bell Suzanne – ‘ I realised I had made my life all about what I thought the world wanted of me, and not that I was fundamentally great just being me,’ great point. It’s hard to find a women who is happy with herself and not a slave to comparison.
Hear, hear Emily, women are often slaves to comparison and competition. We are our own worst enemy.
So true Emily, I catch myself regularly comparing myself to others, it’s insidious. It can be a comparison of another being better than me, or it can be the other way, where I see myself as better than another.
Super insidious
I started gymnastics at an early age to seek recognition that I could be good at something. I can clearly remember crying at every gym class and every competition from the age of 4-7. I did not enjoy the feeling of having to live something I didn’t feel I was and have always disliked competition- I would mostly come second in competitions as this meant someone else could take the spot light but I was doing enough to get the recognition I sought. Even when I got the recognition for this it felt empty, I was striving for outside recognition (until I found Universal Medicine) but never liked the impact this had on others around me.
I loved reading your blog Suzanne, I was particularly struck by your following word;
“Slowly it became less about what and how others saw me, and more about how I felt I wanted to be, for me. My outlook changed and the need to compare has slowly fallen away. This took the pressure off for the first time in my life”
You are indeed truly awesome and inspirational.
I agree Shirl, it feels like a massive shift for Suzanne, to have lived all her life in such strong comparison and then to discover a way to bring herself back to living her life just for herself. Comparison is very normal and I know I still have a lot of comparison to break down within myself. Suzanne’s story is a great example of how to address this loveless behaviour.
It’s wonderful that you can now feel how shut down your body had become as a result of the competition and comparison to others. Allowing yourself to feel the body (it’s needs, it’s beauty, it’s awesomeness), is so empowering for you.
I can totally relate to your blog Suzanne, its a huge relief when you no longer feel to compare or compete with others, thank you.
Comparison could be a way of life. It is a drive to achieve, to outdo others. I did it many times in my life when I felt pretty empty and discontent about life. In the comparison equation I was often on the losing side. Comparison always helped me to confirm me that the world was unfair.
Very well said Eduardo. Comparison has become a way of life for many, and it’s become acceptable. It perpetuates the option that there are winner and losers and that we’re a victim of circumstance. When we go into comparison we avoid true self-responsibility: recognising that it is our choices that have got us to wherever we may be, and that perhaps the choices of another are reflecting back to us, that we could in fact choose differently.
Suzanne – this could be written about me. So much so, it’s a little scary considering I didn’t write it! Since discovering Universal Medicine, it has been a slow process of me being able to feel what is going on in my body. I hadn’t quite made the connection that you just pointed out – that because of always looking outside to compare, I had shut down this within myself. I’m going to bookmark this blog for later as there is much in this for me. Thank you.
I love your wise words Suzanne especially “The who I am matters far more than what I do. As I master my competitive spirit, the genuine love I have for myself increases and leaves more room in my body for the things that do really matter”. Thank you
Suzanne, I am sure you are more fun to be around now that you are no longer competing, and just being your lovely self.
From an early age life seems to be about competition and comparison, at home, at school, at work, in love, We grade people and ourselves according to our achievements or lack of them. I am not yet free of the need to compare but a new window has opened for me and I am learning to let go of this obsessive need and simply try to do what I do with care and love for myself.
Great honest story Suzanne and very relatable, it shows how thirsty a part of us is for recognition and in my case approval, and I loved what you realised in that it’s because we spend so much of the time trying to mould ourselves to what is wanted of us – by family, friends, colleagues, siblings, partners (that creates an internal conflict and competitiveness), instead of just being us (which creates a tension when we are not being this). Just being who we are and accepting this without judgment but with love closes the door of comparison, and opens the door of appreciation. Beautiful.
Suzanne, your story is one I have experienced personally and seen in so many others. That giving up when things are not just easy or we look lesser compared to another. Getting a marker of our own self worth by achieving against another is no self worth at all and leaves us with little real appreciation of ourselves, just as we are. When we look at it this way as your article so clearly does, it seems crazy that all our systems encourage and push for this style of learning and achieving, where the sense of self is not given the value it really needs to have.
Amazing how such strong patterns finally fade out with the help of Universal Medicine techniques and with the help of this beautiful gentle and loving community. Well, nobody’s perfect, but… just adorable.
As most of us can testify, comparison is a never ending spiral that feeds even more comparison. Thank you for sharing your insights into how this all plays out and the choices we have to change it.
Wow, Suzanne, I almost got out of breath when reading everything you compared yourself to. It’s pretty crazy how we measure our own worth to outside things, people and achievements, when what and who we are is already awesome beyond measure. I can’t be reminded often enough, though, so thank you for an inspirational blog about “Who I am” (not “what I do”).
I know what you mean about the pressure coming off when the incessant comparison abates. I used to measure every situation, every person and their looks, achievements etc to avoid taking responsibility for my own life, my feelings about myself and my choices. I love the way you describe the blossoming relationship with yourself, and I can relate to that too.
Thank you Suzanne, What a great insight you have provided here of the dis-ease that many others are suffering, and the light that shows there is another way.
Beautiful expose on comparison and the harm that ensues. Thank you Suzanne.
So true Suzanne, thank you for sharing and exposing competition and comparison for what it is… always trying to keep ahead of the game and be on the top, so not to feel the pain of not being good enough. I remember this very well, and how exhausting it is to live comparing with others and competing with everything, whether it was with sport, with family (who could get more attention), looks, strength, activities, helping out etc etc. I feel comparison is set up from when we are born, as from day one we are compared to other siblings, other babies in the family, what we look like, how much hair we have, how quick we grow, when we started walking, talking and later can write our name or tie our shoe laces. I wonder (and know that there are children being brought up without this comparison), how it would be between people if from the moment we were born we were just cherished for who we are not what we look like or what we can do.
I can so relate to the never ending comparison with someone or something on the outside. I’ve realised that comparison is evil, it takes us into competition and separation not only from others, but from ourselves. We miss out on knowing who we really are, on feeling what is true for us. When we are in comparison, as you say, we never measure ourselves as good enough, and life becomes about doing rather than being. It’s a true gift when we can come back, through tenderness and self-love, to our inner-heart being our compass, and not some ideal or belief about how things ought to be.
Thank you for your honest sharing Suzanne. The more we come to love and appreciate our unique selves the more comparison drops away in my experience. Instead of comparing ourselves with others we can rather be inspired by them and the qualities they share.
Great honesty and sharing Suzanne . I can relate to many aspects of competitiveness growing up and definately comparison- ‘doing’ whatever it took to achieve acceptance and recognition from others. I needed constant validation from the outside world that I was ‘ good enough’- which only led to me feeling more empty within.
What a blessing and turnaround when I finally met Serge Benhayon and attended his workshops.
Through deepening my connection with me – with the gentle breathe meditation, esoteric yoga and just recently by doing the sacred movement taught by Natalie Benhayon, there is no room for comparison.
Suzanne, so much of what you write I can relate to, placing pressures on myself to be all things and try to keep up – it is exhausting and feels so unloving. It’s lovely to read how you have been so patient with yourself to allow true feeling back in, it is something I feel I need to be patient with too, and let the old ways be seen for what they are. Thankyou for what you have shared.
This is a very hot topic Suzanne, one that I’m sure many women can relate to. I can remember the way I would silently punish myself by going into comparison to another, it happened quite unconsciously for many years. Even now, after becoming much more aware of the effect this behaviour has on me, I still slip sometimes but it’s at that moment I know I have given my power away to something outside myself. With the support of what Universal Medicine presents I am now able to see that appreciating and accepting all that I am is more supportive for my evolution and development.
I love your honesty here Suzanne and can relate to many aspects of what you share. It is surprising to feel how much we can be governed by what is outside of us rather than feeling from within what is true for us.
I agree Marcia, and my body sighed a sigh of relief and agreement reading your words “feeling from within what is true for us.” We so often, (I know I am still working on this) get caught up in what we think we should be doing, as you say by everything outside of us, rather than feeling from inside first, now that makes me smile a huge smile, as I can feel how simple and joyful it is.
Suzanne I can so relate to being on the never ending comparsion convayer belt. And like you receiving the praise or recogition for a job well done never lasted long and actually never could be received by me as I always felt even with the acheivement I just didnt make the grade. This has completley changed with the support of the teachings of Universal Medicine as I now feel more appreciative of who I am which sees me rarely looking for someone to tell be I am ok or enough.
Love knows no comparison…it’s just too darn busy being love!
Suzanne, I love how you say: ‘It all fell apart when I was asked to feel for myself.’ The head can hide from love but the heart simply cannot.
This is an awesome blog Suzanne, this line made me smile a big smile ” It all fell apart when I was asked to feel for myself. Immediately, I looked outside to see what everyone else was feeling so I could compare it with me – and came up with nothing! ” more than likely as I have been there too, but not because I have ever been competitive in the way you describe but more so the actual insidious underlying form of comparison of not feeling good enough or trusting that me and my loveliness is enough. This has now changed as I know I and my loveliness are more than enough , though I still have to watch for comparison sneaking in in the most quietest of ways, it can be in a comment, or thought, or even not trusting myself in something at work. It’s amazing to feel all this and not judge, but just be like, cool there’s another way it tries to sneak in. But at the same time I had an incident a few weeks ago where I got to really feel to the bone, how deeply harming comparison really is, as it keeps us small, looking outside ourselves and destroys all joy, love and self worth.
I have observed in life how comparison is absolutely devastating, it destroys friendships, relationships and people, as it niggles away at our own self worth, or will attack another’s.
I agree Gyl…comparison is devastating for all concerned & is the fast track to lack of self worth. Whereas with appreciation I can honour all that I and others bring with each persons unique expression…there is such power in honouring and appreciating each others gifts.
Suzanne, as I can so relate to what you have written. I too was athletic and got good grades at school and hence was rewarded as you outline, setting up a life of comparison. I could feel the tension in my body as I read your blog and the recognition that even as the outward comparison diminished, the internal comparison was worse.
I could feel the tension release in me when you described how you started to take responsibility for the way you felt for you and could feel the lovely changes you have gone through. Thank you for outlining so clearly how deeply ‘comparison’ affects our lives.
Thank you Suzanne. This really stood out for me ‘if I’ve spent a lifetime watching how everyone else does it first, and then modifying my behaviour to fit in and exceed, how would I even be able to feel clearly for myself?’ So true. I’m still working on this.
Comparison is so draining and unloving. Whenever I happen to slip and find myself comparing, I know I am not in my heart anymore and, therefore, I am not appreciating me, my grandness and my uniqueness. Beautiful to feel, Suzanne, how you are you now and loving it. Thank you.
It all sounds so stressful and busy doing all those things. It would be mentally draining with no real reward at the end. How wonderful you have been able to stop and just feel you and accept that first and foremost.
Thank you Suzanne, I know what you are saying here very clearly. From my own experience with this topic I may add, that I have been in competition and sometimes used very ugly tricks to bully and edge away my ‘competitors’ (in my false opinion) in order to increase the distance more and then adulate myself. This was painful to realize.
I can so relate to this Suzanne. Comparison is so toxic and leaves no room to appreciate who we are…there is nobody else who can be me, so I need to just be me!!!
Yes Sandra – comparison does rain all over appreciation – I had not made the connection so clearly. Looking at other emotions like not feeling enough or complaining or simply wanting circumstances to be different or better are all shades of comparison that leave little room for appreciation.