In the summer of 2012 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after more than a month of not being able to fall asleep. This was a huge wake-up call for me to be more honest about what my choices have been and to start taking responsibility and making a re-commitment to life.
A long held pattern of mine had been to have no regard for my body and prior to the insomnia this became particularly intense. That summer I had flown to the other side of the world, lived in harsh conditions in the desert, trekked mountains in the scorching sun and camped for days in the freezing wilderness without food.
Not only did I allow myself to go through such physical harshness, which clearly cannot be comfortable or supportive for anyone’s body, I had to numb the pain I felt of actually allowing such a level of disregard towards myself throughout the years. I did this through hardening my body and hiding within a self-constructed bubble away from people as a means of protecting myself and to not feel what I was really doing to my body.
What I felt in my body then was a deep level of conflict waiting to erupt. The disharmony was from disregarding what I knew to be true but had consistently refused to heed and live. Even when I eventually made the choice to not further perpetuate the choices I had been making, it seemed that life still made sure I did not have it easy. The resolve to start being nakedly honest with myself, taking responsibility and making a re-commitment to life was actually, in hindsight, the simple part.
The insomnia set in after I chose to commit back to life, as the tension in my body could now be clearly felt, and the reaction I had towards the insomnia made everything much more difficult. There was a lot of self-judgment and non-acceptance of how this could have happened to me, as I arrogantly thought I had life worked out. I didn’t drink alcohol, coffee or smoke anymore, was careful of what I ate, exercised daily, did not pull late nights and I lived in natural surroundings. I thought I was better off than anyone else and felt ashamed when my body alarmed me with illness. Being stuck within the emotions that arose made the insomnia worse, and my anxiety escalated.
While experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, I became someone who was not me – I felt small and helpless, desperately clingy and lost. With depression and anxiety, it felt like every bit of vital energy had been taken from me, and in return I was filled with a constant terror. Simple everyday tasks such as walking down a street that I am familiar with, or even turning on the stove to cook, became like a mountainous challenge, and I lost interest in everything that I had enjoyed.
As a consequence, I wanted to hide. Facing everything that came up and all the responsibilities that I had ignored in the past was daunting. The day I sat in a psychiatrist’s office and opened myself up in honesty and fragility was the beginning of a choice to truly return to myself. But it was impossible to face everything all at once; my body was telling me so and I could not keep lying to myself anymore. To make the changes I needed I took everything ever so slowly and tenderly, I became super gentle with myself, something that I have never done in the past. Instead of shying away from my work duties, I brought presence to my daily life – every word that was typed in a weekly magazine column as part of my job required a level of presence and commitment which felt alien to me… I allowed people to see the real me which left me feeling a vulnerability which I had previously avoided.
If I had ever thought I was different from others because of the choices of bettering myself, this woke me up to the fact that we are all equal, I am no different from anyone else. I was completely humbled.
There was a lot of self-acceptance to learn during this time. To accept and take responsibility for my ill choices in the past, yet to not indulge in the harmful emotion of feeling guilty was a constant lesson. I had also lost a lot of weight during this time and if I ever allowed myself to look in the mirror, I received my reflection with deep self-judgment, but now I began to appreciate myself in a way I had never done before. When I looked into my own eyes, beyond everything, what I saw was a resolve and strength to return to truth. With the growing acceptance of myself, my acceptance towards the world also grew. Nothing can be truly blamed on anyone, everything that did not feel true ultimately reflected a responsibility that I can go deeper with myself.
There was no magic formula in re-committing back to life. Simply a moment to moment choice to be present to life, to every detail that presented itself. The more I chose to be present, the more I felt an empowerment that my body knew to be true. With choosing to be present to life, life became present to me, so I was no longer terrified or felt that I needed to hide from the world. Hiding didn’t make me feel any safer. It was only when I realised that I can be in the world and can let people in that I truly felt supported. As with taking back responsibility for my choices, each choice lived continued to confirm the next moment as it unfolded.
The Livingness through the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has constantly supported me in coming back to the awareness of whether or not I am taking responsibility and making a re-commitment to life.
By Adele Leung, Image director, Hong Kong
Further Reading:
The Importance of Self-Responsibility
Taking Responsibility and Speaking my Truth
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
Adele, I have just seen your memory on Facebook and felt to read this. How opportune!
Your words, “… and felt ashamed when my body alarmed me with illness. Being stuck within the emotions that arose made the insomnia worse, and my anxiety escalated.” together with your later mentioned word, “guilt” have really walloped me this morning.
I can still feel guilt and shame with illness; and falling ill when away with friends on my first overseas trip, was a dreadful embarrassment!
It is what it is: a true, or an accurate reflection on how I have been living my life; and by learning to accept that these guilty embarrassments are my own cruel judgements on myself; and thus causing me further harm, I can now understand how my old belief to be the best, to be perfect, to be right; is one of the greatest tools of self-harm I have been using!
The old adage, “Pride comes before a fall” is such an underrated, undervalued expression today; and these are words that were often lovingly expressed to me by “my rock”, my maternal grandmother, when I was a teenager, are coming home to me now with such resonance of love and support.
Thank you, Adele. ❤️
Fragility isn’t something we are that familiar with, as we are taught to to get on with things and keep achieving, but we miss out on a relationship with ourselves that is very real and honest, and others miss out on that from us too. Committing to ourselves in a loving, real and caring way is a great foundation for true relationships with others.
The relationship we have with self is foundational for the relationship we have with others.
Thank you Adele, as we all are learning that life is a responsibility, and as everything is an energy, then we are responsible for the energy we are in, and thus re-connecting to our essences or most divine aspect has been life changing and Loving in so many different ways.
We are responsible for our choices, and for the energy we choose to align with and allow to flow through our bodies.
‘There was no magic formula in recommitting back to life….’. I love how you go on to say ‘ simply a moment to moment to be present to life.’ When we focus and stay present the only moment we can do anything about is now. Each moment unfolds from the previous one and the quality of that builds momentum also.
IT is so common to feel better than because we are making “smart” choices. I have that game running, looking down on people who still make poor food choices yet complain about it. The arrogance is so horrible, it stops you from seeing and understanding that other people are going through different things to you, perhaps the pregnant lady I have judged for drinking coffee is so exhausted that she just needs it, or the breastfeeding mother who is craving alcohol feels like life is so intense and that is her only way to unwind… whatever the reason for whoever, it is their choice – we all have a choice and just because on the surface level it may come across as though you are living a healthier lifestyle, I think the more important question is how much love is present in that lifestyle. Do you judge, truly – not just convincing yourself that you don’t, but when somebody does something you disagree with, do you judge internally? Do you criticise? Do you think you are better than? Is there an arrogance? Because if these things are present, it is not to judge yourself and be hard about it, but it’s to realise that there is a lack of love towards you first and foremost, and these are just vices used in order to not feel the pain you are inflicting on yourself before any other steps are made.
Thank you Adele, it’s a very intimate and honest sharing, much appreciated. “To make the changes I needed I took everything ever so slowly and tenderly, I became super gentle with myself, something that I have never done in the past. Instead of shying away from my work duties, I brought presence to my daily life…” Taking responsibility need not be a harsh process or have any self berating, as you say it can be very gentle supported by our own honesty of what changes need to be made, and enjoying our own love and care. Thank you for the inspiration.
One step towards self-disregard leads to the next, and one move towards commitment to life, and the way opens up in front of you.
Yes it’s the moment to moment choices that either build or deconstruct. Always our choice.
“Hiding didn’t make me feel any safer.” This makes sense because the hiding is a reaction to perceived danger, and the feeling of danger that is kept alive by the choice to hide. We can understand the reasons why we may want to hide, but it is very disempowering of ourselves.
Commitment is a moment by moment process. A much needed reminder today.
When we react to something it brings in a complication that is not actually needed.
‘If I had ever thought I was different from others because of the choices of bettering myself, this woke me up to the fact that we are all equal, I am no different from anyone else. I was completely humbled.’ I can really relate to this. I’ve lived in a bubble of protection and part of this was thinking I was better because I knew better – well clearly not because my body shows how I have been living in great disregard – something everyone has felt who’s met me. I could hide more than I did previously but I’m being much more honest and transparent and it is humbling if not very uncomfortable at times. What’s amazing is people do accept me and this is very beautiful. But my defences are still there wanting me to discount this love by criticizing the person who may just be an acquaintance, but is showing me the deepest love and care. Being honest about this process is healing my hurts in regard to humanity.
We are all equal, ‘If I had ever thought I was different from others because of the choices of bettering myself, this woke me up to the fact that we are all equal, I am no different from anyone else. I was completely humbled.’
Insomnia is debilitating and functionally affects every part of our life. From my own observations it can also be closely connected to anxiety and depression as they all feed the cycle of poor sleep not preparing you for the day ahead all the more. Being formally diagnosed medically and getting professional support is also vital to the healing process, as is committing to our own self-care and asking our loved ones for support.
We always know, at the root of it, what it is that we need to change about our lives, when we’re prepared to stop and be still enough to feel what those changes need to be.
This really shows it is not our exterior way of living, the things we do, when the way we are living, the energy we are choosing, is not loving it will never be truly healthy for us. Like being in nature and so on does not means we are being healthy per se if we are not nurturing and loving ourselves in that place. Often being in nature is actually quite hard on our body.
Nurturing, loving and honouring ourselves is always super important.
Your comment about making life hard to feel something really struck me as explaining why we push ourselves and put ourselves in these physically extreme situations. Life does not need to be hard, we do not need to fill it with extreme sports just to feel, or perhaps not feel ourselves in our lives.
Through the work of Universal Medicine and going to their practitioners I came to realise just how much I had given up and dis-connected to all that I am can bring. On the surface it all looked good and looked like I was committed but really in truth I wasn’t, well at least to my full potential. So things had to change, well I couldn’t see any other way so I to re-commited to life and wow having this much purpose and value in who I am and what I bring has changed everything, literally. What I am finding is that the more I live this there is more of me that I am letting out, keep evolving and learning along the way with no perfection in sight.
It’s an interesting paradox how, as we start to take more care of ourselves, we start to feel more acutely the effects of the way we’ve been living. Then there’s a choice: to continue observing, with curiosity and openness, or to judge ourselves for all of our past choices, and in so doing, perpetuate them. Letting go of the judgement and allowing observation is part of the wider, greater alignment to commit to self love and self care on ever deeper levels.
If we judge things as ‘getting worse’ then we go back into repeating it all. If we see the ‘increase’ as an increase of awareness of what has been going on (and not that it’s actually gotten worse, we are just seeing more of the same picture) then it will be easier to heal as we understand the greater extent of our choices.
Continuing to care for and nurture ourselves is essential in our well-being, ‘I took everything ever so slowly and tenderly, I became super gentle with myself’.
There is so much in this blog Adele, but I really liked your comment that hiding in life doesn’t make us feel any safer. When we hide we are confirming we don’t feel equipped to manage what is ahead, yet we do have the skills, we may need someone to support us to re-connect to them, but there is nothing ahead of us that we cannot manage when we stay present in life and open to support ourselves and accept the support of others.
The beginning of your blog got me asking the question: how many of us have experienced a deep conflict within our body/being and not actually discussed this with anyone? I know I have, yet I thought because people around me ‘seemed fine’, and were not talking about any conflicts within they were experiencing or going through, that I was just a bit weird and so just needed to keep quite. What I discovered was silence is a killer. Being able to express how we truly feel is healing.
I agree Vicky, but it’s important to share with someone who you trust won’t judge you. As a child I shared but was judged and shut down by the adults around me, so put myself in a box, hiding for many years. Protection really doesn’t work. As an adult I came to realise this and with the support of Universal Medicine practitioners I have learned to open up once again. Sometimes silence can be a way of protecting ourselves from perceived harm, but it doesn’t contribute to healing.
We can be very hard and critical of ourselves, yet when we start to be honest with ourselves, and unravel the hurts, the unloving choices we have made, we are able to see that we do have another choice in the way that we choose to live, and as we take responsibility for those new more loving choices our lives begin to change.
I like this part about hiding not making you feel any safer.
“There was no magic formula in re-committing back to life. Simply a moment to moment choice to be present to life, to every detail that presented itself. The more I chose to be present, the more I felt an empowerment that my body knew to be true. With choosing to be present to life, life became present to me, so I was no longer terrified or felt that I needed to hide from the world” – this is very powerful. We like the security of having THE formula, but what I feel we are having to learn is responsivity, to consistently say yes to what is and move along with its wave. This feels unfamiliar and even a bit precarious, but comes with a guarantee that far surpasses our wildest imagination.
Yes I picked that section up as well and agree that being responsive to what presents in the the moment is the wave to surrender to. It may well be unfamiliar but building a relationship with responsivity and continuing to commit to ourselves and our healing builds a much more solid foundation and sense of who we are.
That is so key, a moment to moment choice to be present to life, ‘I brought presence to my daily life – every word that was typed in a weekly magazine column as part of my job required a level of presence and commitment which felt alien to me…’
I found your honesty in this blog very inspiring indeed especially as in the last few years I too have been committed to taking full responsibility for my past choices. These words in particular resonated with me deeply.” To accept and take responsibility for my ill choices in the past, yet to not indulge in the harmful emotion of feeling guilty was a constant lesson”. I too experienced the damage harbouring guilt can inflict on the body, with the continual beating myself up so debilitating. How liberating it is to be able to start to finally remove all those unneccessary feelings of guilt from my life.
Turning towards ourself and learning to care for and love ourselves is the best medicine we can give ourselves.
The body is the marker of truth and as Have experienced life there comes a time where we can no longer ignore it. It is a our greatest teacher and it will shows us the way back to truth if we are willing to listen to what it asks of us.
“There was no magic formula in re-committing back to life. Simply a moment to moment choice to be present to life, to every detail that presented itself.” This in itself is a beautiful formula. The moment to moment choice to honour and cherish ourselves.
I agree. Being present moment to moment also helps us to become more aware of the quality of our thoughts, and what we’re allowing in and taking on, which then affects how we feel, and interact with others. Everything affects everything else, nothing is isolated.
Yes, there is much to be gained simply by being present in every moment.
There is no such a thing as going into protection. What happens under such umbrella is that we confer ourselves exclusive rights to attack ourselves constantly.
I like what you are saying here Eduardo. We think we have the right to protect ourselves to not get hurt, but what we forget to see is, that with protection already as our go to or maybe even constant armour we never allow ourselves to stand freely and show ourselves in full, thus, as you say, are actually in constant self-denial.
I understand this feeling of being so anxious that life itself seemed an unbearable task. And the support given to me by Universal Medicine has been phenomenal. Not because it took my anxiety away, but simply because this organisation has offered to me the possibility that I am worth loving.
What a powerful story of rediscovering yourself Adele. I can see how having insomnia must be like living in a vicious loop where worrying if you are going to be able to sleep causes an anxiety that stops you from surrendering to the sleep and then when you can’t sleep, it effects every bit of your waking consciousness in that your body can never recover and recuperate. Only through doing what you have done by going to deep honesty about your choices and allowing people into your life by breaking apart that protective bubble, can one break this cycle of insomnia and anxiety. I can see how writing for a publication allowed a level of openness and intimacy with others which helped in that process, too.
Yes, the honesty is a window to great healing and allows an equality and responsibility to show us a path of return to truth.
Being present in life put us on the front foot, ready to deal with and handle things that come our way. Hiding and wanting to run away from it all, while feeling seemingly ‘safe’ doesn’t protect us at all – in fact it just increases the anxiety, as we’re just putting off what we know we have to deal with sooner or later.
The reasons why I don´t really want to be in life need to be faced and healed, that´s the process of re-committing, that sooner or later can no longer be avoided, as life reminds us to be the fullness of who we are and so does the deep unsettlement within.
I like the term ‘re-commitment’ to life – I can make the choice to re-commit in every moment, every time I find myself lacking commitment, it is never too late or anything lost or regretted forever.
Yes, true, we won’t get it ‘right’ from the start, but we can keep making the choice to commit time and again, until such time that it becomes our natural way of being once again.
Love your blog Adele. What I find interesting is how there is such a seemingly significant difference between those that live in comfort and those that live in physical discomfort such as you described here. The truth of comfort is that it is no less uncomfortable than the other way of living just more numbed to the fact.
“There was no magic formula in re-committing back to life. Simply a moment to moment choice to be present to life, to every detail that presented itself.” This is beautiful and very honouring and so very simple, just step by step, without agenda, just the choice to be present moment to moment.
Coming back to our fragility does indeed allow for a humbleness to emerge, that indeed our bodies are the receivers of all our choices, gentle and not so gentle.
“If I had ever thought I was different from others because of the choices of bettering myself, this woke me up to the fact that we are all equal, I am no different from anyone else. I was completely humbled.” That humbling moment can be such a wobble because the separation from everyone else is fostered by our society as a whole. When you peel back that layer and see us all as equal it really offers us a moment of honesty and an opportunity to take responsibility for the decisions we have made that lead us to where we are, without judgement, simply taking responsibility and knowing we then have the potential to make different decisions for different outcomes.
The power of honesty transforms our lives. When we decide to get real which is usually when life feels like its dragging us down, we take the rose tainted shades off, and we get to see how we have been living and from there we know what we need to change.
Being honest is essential in healing, ‘If I had ever thought I was different from others because of the choices of bettering myself, this woke me up to the fact that we are all equal, I am no different from anyone else. I was completely humbled.’
Acceptance is a big part of how we evolve. At this moment I am accepting that I am love, I have always been love, we come from love, and all we have to do is let it out and the more we share our love the more is given to us to release.
Yes, acceptance of ourselves, and the world is important, ‘With the growing acceptance of myself, my acceptance towards the world also grew.’
I loved reading this blog and in some respect it reminded me of my life, although I didn’t go trekking in desserts or mountains but I might as well been there. Its the hardness and dis-regard to my body that played out throughout my my life too left me in disarray.
This comment stood out for me “With the growing acceptance of myself, my acceptance towards the world also grew”. Its the finale, its when I accept who I truly am wth myself in the world, with no perfection or judgment, then the world is accepted by me too because they are not perfect too – wow.
I love what you write Adele that there is no magic wand to wave to return to commit to life, because I have heard lots of people wanting a single thing to sort them out. The answer is a moment by moment choice, and to stick with it without allowing the negative thoughts nudging us to give up.
That ‘giving up’ energy I know so well, it is like a dark sticky treacle that runs through society and is anti-evolving. What I have come to understand is that when we are aligned to spirit, we go into this giving up on life energy but when we are aligned or when we reconnect with our Soul, we commit to life in full and we can do so much more with the quality of love rippling through all we do without any push or drive or any investment for people to change. Love is all encompassing.
Yes, it takes a commitment to consistency. These are our choices that we make moment by moment and as such we can make different choices through the awareness of the movements we make.
We can get lost in the desert of our own emotions or we can choose to commit with loving tenderness to be all that we truly are.
We waste so much of life not truly giving it everything – what could actually be possible if we give life one billion percent?
” Nothing can be truly blamed on anyone, ” Thank you Adele, this is such a healing understanding , no matter what hole we get into , we have dug it ourselves and of course the opposite is true , if we dug the hole then we know how to get out of it.
Blame is such a convenient excuse for us to get away with a whole plethora of unnecessary and harmful behaviours. what if we just admitted we contributed, we played our part and decide what our next step will be.
I was interested to read your blog again Adele because there are a few people I know suffering from insomnia. Your awesome blog gave me a deeper understanding about insomnia and how that affects our body. I realise there is no one answer/solution to this condition but it is up to each person to take responsibility for what they are going through and be willing to heal the root cause of the insomnia.