Taking Responsibility and Making a Re-Commitment to Life

In the summer of 2012 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after more than a month of not being able to fall asleep. This was a huge wake-up call for me to be more honest about what my choices have been and to start taking responsibility and making a re-commitment to life.

A long held pattern of mine had been to have no regard for my body and prior to the insomnia this became particularly intense. That summer I had flown to the other side of the world, lived in harsh conditions in the desert, trekked mountains in the scorching sun and camped for days in the freezing wilderness without food.

Not only did I allow myself to go through such physical harshness, which clearly cannot be comfortable or supportive for anyone’s body, I had to numb the pain I felt of actually allowing such a level of disregard towards myself throughout the years. I did this through hardening my body and hiding within a self-constructed bubble away from people as a means of protecting myself and to not feel what I was really doing to my body.

What I felt in my body then was a deep level of conflict waiting to erupt. The disharmony was from disregarding what I knew to be true but had consistently refused to heed and live. Even when I eventually made the choice to not further perpetuate the choices I had been making, it seemed that life still made sure I did not have it easy. The resolve to start being nakedly honest with myself, taking responsibility and making a re-commitment to life was actually, in hindsight, the simple part.

The insomnia set in after I chose to commit back to life, as the tension in my body could now be clearly felt, and the reaction I had towards the insomnia made everything much more difficult. There was a lot of self-judgment and non-acceptance of how this could have happened to me, as I arrogantly thought I had life worked out. I didn’t drink alcohol, coffee or smoke anymore, was careful of what I ate, exercised daily, did not pull late nights and I lived in natural surroundings. I thought I was better off than anyone else and felt ashamed when my body alarmed me with illness. Being stuck within the emotions that arose made the insomnia worse, and my anxiety escalated.

While experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, I became someone who was not me – I felt small and helpless, desperately clingy and lost. With depression and anxiety, it felt like every bit of vital energy had been taken from me, and in return I was filled with a constant terror. Simple everyday tasks such as walking down a street that I am familiar with, or even turning on the stove to cook, became like a mountainous challenge, and I lost interest in everything that I had enjoyed.

As a consequence, I wanted to hide. Facing everything that came up and all the responsibilities that I had ignored in the past was daunting. The day I sat in a psychiatrist’s office and opened myself up in honesty and fragility was the beginning of a choice to truly return to myself. But it was impossible to face everything all at once; my body was telling me so and I could not keep lying to myself anymore. To make the changes I needed I took everything ever so slowly and tenderly, I became super gentle with myself, something that I have never done in the past. Instead of shying away from my work duties, I brought presence to my daily life – every word that was typed in a weekly magazine column as part of my job required a level of presence and commitment which felt alien to me… I allowed people to see the real me which left me feeling a vulnerability which I had previously avoided.

If I had ever thought I was different from others because of the choices of bettering myself, this woke me up to the fact that we are all equal, I am no different from anyone else. I was completely humbled.

There was a lot of self-acceptance to learn during this time. To accept and take responsibility for my ill choices in the past, yet to not indulge in the harmful emotion of feeling guilty was a constant lesson. I had also lost a lot of weight during this time and if I ever allowed myself to look in the mirror, I received my reflection with deep self-judgment, but now I began to appreciate myself in a way I had never done before. When I looked into my own eyes, beyond everything, what I saw was a resolve and strength to return to truth. With the growing acceptance of myself, my acceptance towards the world also grew. Nothing can be truly blamed on anyone, everything that did not feel true ultimately reflected a responsibility that I can go deeper with myself.

There was no magic formula in re-committing back to life. Simply a moment to moment choice to be present to life, to every detail that presented itself. The more I chose to be present, the more I felt an empowerment that my body knew to be true. With choosing to be present to life, life became present to me, so I was no longer terrified or felt that I needed to hide from the world. Hiding didn’t make me feel any safer. It was only when I realised that I can be in the world and can let people in that I truly felt supported. As with taking back responsibility for my choices, each choice lived continued to confirm the next moment as it unfolded.

The Livingness through the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has constantly supported me in coming back to the awareness of whether or not I am taking responsibility and making a re-commitment to life.

By Adele Leung, Image director, Hong Kong

Further Reading:
The Importance of Self-Responsibility
Taking Responsibility and Speaking my Truth

1,089 thoughts on “Taking Responsibility and Making a Re-Commitment to Life

  1. ‘The more I chose to be present, the more I felt an empowerment that my body knew to be true.’ This is gold Adele, thank you – the key to confidence.

  2. What a powerful story of rediscovering yourself Adele. I can see how having insomnia must be like living in a vicious loop where worrying if you are going to be able to sleep causes an anxiety that stops you from surrendering to the sleep and then when you can’t sleep, it effects every bit of your waking consciousness in that your body can never recover and recuperate. Only through doing what you have done by going to deep honesty about your choices and allowing people into your life by breaking apart that protective bubble, can one break this cycle of insomnia and anxiety. I can see how writing for a publication allowed a level of openness and intimacy with others which helped in that process, too.

  3. Being present in life put us on the front foot, ready to deal with and handle things that come our way. Hiding and wanting to run away from it all, while feeling seemingly ‘safe’ doesn’t protect us at all – in fact it just increases the anxiety, as we’re just putting off what we know we have to deal with sooner or later.

  4. The reasons why I don´t really want to be in life need to be faced and healed, that´s the process of re-committing, that sooner or later can no longer be avoided, as life reminds us to be the fullness of who we are and so does the deep unsettlement within.

  5. I like the term ‘re-commitment’ to life – I can make the choice to re-commit in every moment, every time I find myself lacking commitment, it is never too late or anything lost or regretted forever.

  6. Love your blog Adele. What I find interesting is how there is such a seemingly significant difference between those that live in comfort and those that live in physical discomfort such as you described here. The truth of comfort is that it is no less uncomfortable than the other way of living just more numbed to the fact.

  7. When we give ourselves the space to stop and feel our body we realise the true impact our way of living and our choices have on our body. With this realisation and understanding we can choose to honour rather than override the truth of what we are feeling in our body, and take responsibility by allowing our body’s wisdom and our inner knowing to lead the way.

  8. “There was no magic formula in re-committing back to life. Simply a moment to moment choice to be present to life, to every detail that presented itself.” This is beautiful and very honouring and so very simple, just step by step, without agenda, just the choice to be present moment to moment.

  9. Coming back to our fragility does indeed allow for a humbleness to emerge, that indeed our bodies are the receivers of all our choices, gentle and not so gentle.

  10. “If I had ever thought I was different from others because of the choices of bettering myself, this woke me up to the fact that we are all equal, I am no different from anyone else. I was completely humbled.” That humbling moment can be such a wobble because the separation from everyone else is fostered by our society as a whole. When you peel back that layer and see us all as equal it really offers us a moment of honesty and an opportunity to take responsibility for the decisions we have made that lead us to where we are, without judgement, simply taking responsibility and knowing we then have the potential to make different decisions for different outcomes.

  11. The power of honesty transforms our lives. When we decide to get real which is usually when life feels like its dragging us down, we take the rose tainted shades off, and we get to see how we have been living and from there we know what we need to change.

  12. Acceptance is a big part of how we evolve. At this moment I am accepting that I am love, I have always been love, we come from love, and all we have to do is let it out and the more we share our love the more is given to us to release.

  13. I loved reading this blog and in some respect it reminded me of my life, although I didn’t go trekking in desserts or mountains but I might as well been there. Its the hardness and dis-regard to my body that played out throughout my my life too left me in disarray.

    This comment stood out for me “With the growing acceptance of myself, my acceptance towards the world also grew”. Its the finale, its when I accept who I truly am wth myself in the world, with no perfection or judgment, then the world is accepted by me too because they are not perfect too – wow.

  14. I love what you write Adele that there is no magic wand to wave to return to commit to life, because I have heard lots of people wanting a single thing to sort them out. The answer is a moment by moment choice, and to stick with it without allowing the negative thoughts nudging us to give up.

    1. That ‘giving up’ energy I know so well, it is like a dark sticky treacle that runs through society and is anti-evolving. What I have come to understand is that when we are aligned to spirit, we go into this giving up on life energy but when we are aligned or when we reconnect with our Soul, we commit to life in full and we can do so much more with the quality of love rippling through all we do without any push or drive or any investment for people to change. Love is all encompassing.

  15. We can get lost in the desert of our own emotions or we can choose to commit with loving tenderness to be all that we truly are.

  16. ” Nothing can be truly blamed on anyone, ” Thank you Adele, this is such a healing understanding , no matter what hole we get into , we have dug it ourselves and of course the opposite is true , if we dug the hole then we know how to get out of it.

    1. Blame is such a convenient excuse for us to get away with a whole plethora of unnecessary and harmful behaviours. what if we just admitted we contributed, we played our part and decide what our next step will be.

  17. I was interested to read your blog again Adele because there are a few people I know suffering from insomnia. Your awesome blog gave me a deeper understanding about insomnia and how that affects our body. I realise there is no one answer/solution to this condition but it is up to each person to take responsibility for what they are going through and be willing to heal the root cause of the insomnia.

  18. Thank you Adele for your powerful article on insomnia and making your way back to being committed to life and committed to letting people in. There are many powerful ones of what you have discovered including “The disharmony was from disregarding what I knew to be true but had consistently refused to heed and live.” We do know, we have such strong signals from both our body and being, and not heeding these is a sure way to begin living in disharmony.

  19. In the arrogance of the spirit, we think we are superior to another and have the right to withdraw from the world. This is far from the truth as it is through our connection to self and our transparency that we access the volume of the universe for the benefit of the all.

  20. “Hiding didn’t make me feel any safer. It was only when I realised that I can be in the world and can let people in that I truly felt supported.” Hiding is an insidious form of self-sabotage. We withdraw from life and others when we hide and we deny others our loving light.

    1. Yes Irena it’s true, and we also deny ourselves our own light, the very thing we truly want to be in connection with and be nurtured by.

  21. “Nothing can be truly blamed on anyone, everything that did not feel true ultimately reflected a responsibility that I can go deeper with myself.” These are golden words of absolute wisdom.

  22. The best support we can offer ourselves is to be totally honest about our lifestyle choices and the way in which we are living. Our body feels everything and when we start to listen to what it is communicating the more we are able to realise how disregarding ourselves has such a huge impact on our body. In choosing to take responsibility our body naturally seeks to restore and rebalance itself back to its true harmony and rhythm.

  23. ‘There was no magic formula in re-committing back to life. Simply a moment to moment choice to be present to life, to every detail that presented itself.’ It is in the detail we find God and an appreciation of all that is on offer.

  24. I can so relate to what you have shared Adele, I’m still in the process of feeling all I have lived and re imprinting my way forward. I often have described my days as feeling like I am slogging through the mud of my past choices. Consistently brining my new commitment to life to ever step. Learning to bring understanding and appreciation to myself for making the choice to come back to a truer way of living.

  25. Wow Adele – knowing you now, and feeling the tenderness and grace you have fully claimed in your life, it is fascinating to consider the steps you’ve taken. It just goes to show that we can turn our lives around at any times, regardless of the intensity or extremity of the situation. All it requires is our willingness to be honest and humble and then our soul will give us everything we need to make those steady, incremental changes to begin the journey back – to our soul.

    1. Yes Katerina, one step at a time, one loving moment after another. The tenderness we can hold ourselves in can feel unusual till we commit to hold ourselves in that tenderness enough times that it becomes our normal.

  26. There is a lot to appreciate and respect about the true support that Universal Medicine offers its students. To read of your journey Adele of becoming more responsible and committing to life shows us what’s possible when we are open to living and expressing more love and truth and how this is key to understanding life and ourselves more deeply.

  27. This is inspiring to read I can feel both your vulnerability and resolve in what you share and in … you. We (humanity) seem to be scared of letting people in and letting our love out, or being vulnerable and humble but instead, currently, tend to go into fight or fly mode more or push through and strive to get things done. Of course. It is empowering to be honest, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and feel where are we truly at in life, what needs to be changed. The most inspiring thing in what I feel with what you have shared is your relationship with you, that you turned inwards instead of looking outwards for answers. As all the answers we need are within all we have to do is connect and if we are not sure or do not know how to truly do this .. Universal Medicine support here and provide many tools with this including the Gentle Breath Meditation.

  28. “Hiding didn’t make me feel any safer. It was only when I realised that I can be in the world and can let people in that I truly felt supported.” I have experienced this too Adele. It has only been since I have committed to life and stepped into the world that I no longer feel the need to hide myself away. The support I feel from opening up to others is immense.

  29. Naked honesty is always a great way to break out of cycles of behaviour that do not support. Naked honesty is the bringer of truth, without it we can be merely going around in circles.

  30. Insomnia is literally a nightmare. You go to sleep every night with the question in your mind. Will I be able to fall asleep? The answer is generally, no. The mind is totally active. The body even more so. The feeling is just misery. Yet, what is even more interesting is that we tend to carry life in no different way because we cannot sleep and hence, we pay at night; every night. Insomnia is part of a way of moving in life. It is not something that just happens to us. Hard as it is to admit, it is the result of our own choices. Yet, for that very same reason, it is far from unavoidable.

  31. An inspiring and powerful story of change – from self judgment and critique, living in a hard and protected way to re-committing to life and being in conscious presence with the body one small step at a time. Thank you Adele for the deep honesty you share here.

  32. Yes, there’s an undeniable strength in the connection we have with the universe. It’s so easy to feel by us and all around us.

  33. Thank you Adele for a powerful article of reclaiming yourself, I have hidden from the world also but in a different way, and i am in the process of claiming back my life, these words are so simple and yet so powerful . “There was no magic formula in re-committing back to life. Simply a moment to moment choice to be present to life, to every detail that presented itself. The more I chose to be present, the more I felt an empowerment that my body knew to be true. With choosing to be present to life, life became present to me, so I was no longer terrified or felt that I needed to hide from the world.”

    1. It’s such a significant point that by being present with life we can find we have more than enough inside of ourselves to handle what’s in front of us. We can build a true sense confidence as we engage and be our full selves with all that is before us.

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