I Thought I Was a Great Healer

When I was 20 years old I got a job in a big bank. I worked as Head of Department and every year I was being promoted to a higher position. I was very good with money and finances and my career was settled.

After ten years I wanted something else. I wanted to ‘deepen’ my life and so for four years I studied to become a holistic massage therapist. I started my own practice and it became successful in such a way that I earned my living from this new career path. For years I worked together with doctors in a medical clinic where they would refer clients to me.

I decided to do more studies on energetic healing and did so many modalities that it is hard to find any that I didn’t do, and I can’t remember all the names, but I became a so-called Reiki master and an Awakening Your Light body master as examples. I studied with gurus and started to present meditation classes. I was teaching third eye travelling, crystal and sound healing and palm reading. I gave sessions in Journey therapy and learned many shamanistic ways to treat people. I went with the American Indians, sat with so-called enlightened ones and various gurus, and my sessions and meditation groups became ever more popular – I even had waiting lists for clients. I was great in ‘manipulating’ energies. If clients came with chronic pain they often left without any pain or at least with much less pain. People called me ‘a great healer’.

Was I truly a great healer? What was I really bringing to my clients?

There was always a nagging feeling within of living a lie that something much deeper was missing, in my connection with myself and God, and in what I brought to my clients.

Looking back, I can now clearly see that I was denying that because I was addicted to the recognition I received through my work. Deep down I knew I was living in a fake way, but I just went on. Interestingly, all those so-called healings never brought to my own life any true healing, and this was reflected in the fact that my relationships with partners, family and colleagues were not loving; they were disharmonious and this did not change at all during the years I was doing all those training courses and so-called ‘healings’.

What I can see now – looking back with honesty – is that I became more and more focussed on what was ‘wrong’ with people and a spiritual arrogance crept in, thinking that I was superior as I ‘knew about life’ and they didn’t. This arrogance created separation between them and me, especially with my family. I didn’t embrace others with love but judged them for behaving stupidly, even though this was mostly unspoken, but as all is felt, they reacted to me and we had arguments. I blamed other people for my issues and for the past I had experienced, instead of truly dealing with my own hurts.

I did my work well but was never really good at being with people. I lived in my own separate world, even though I was behaving like I was open to everyone.

With partners I was often fighting and wanting them to work on their issues, instead of me opening up to truly feel my own hurts and be with them and hold them in love to be able to do the same. The fights became more frequent and intense as all the courses I did buried me deeper into my emotions and an attitude of ‘I know better.’ I hardly had time for my partner or the things he wanted to share because I was always busy with clients. Looking back I feel that I had an attitude that I was more important, so we talked mostly about me. Basically my life was about me, even if it looked like I took care of everybody else. It was all for me, to satisfy myself and my need to be recognised and needed.

It wasn’t until I started to participate in the workshops presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I started to be that honest; to see that there was not one ounce of love more in me or towards others despite all the courses I had done or modalities I had practised before.

More and more I felt that I no longer wanted to play with energies directed by my mind from a source I did not know. I started to wonder how it would be to connect from my heart with people. Then someone I knew died of breast cancer and her husband wondered out loud how it was possible for her to die. He said that it was not fair, that she was a great healer, always there to help others. I asked him if she was also able to love herself and his answer was clear, “No, it was very hard for her to love herself.” We both felt there was an answer in that response.

Meeting Serge Benhayon

Not long after this death I heard about Serge Benhayon and boarded a plane the very next day to meet him. I felt a clear YES in my body to meet this man. That decision was the best decision I had ever made, although quite possibly the most confronting gift at the same time. Serge Benhayon offered me the biggest wake-up call I could have ever imagined, just from observing the way he is and by feeling his unconditional love.

Serge spoke such clear words of wisdom – they were completely resonating with the truth I felt in my body. He never told me what to do, but just by listening to his presentations I became aware of the truth about how I was living. He reflected so much lived true love, a love that I could feel touching that same quality held within myself, a love that I just was not used to living myself anymore. This was shocking to feel and I even felt embarrassed as I could feel the arrogance with which I had lived for so long, pretending that I knew it all and loved all; that I was a great healer.

Serge invited us to become more aware about energy first. He presented that life offers two energies to choose from: one energy being Fiery energy, which we experience as unconditional love, and the other being astral energy, which is all the energy we use when we don’t come from love. This energy is also called Prana.

I started to feel how much I was not living from true love, how I was not connected with myself. And questions were rising to the surface as in – “How could I ever bring true healing to others if I was not living that myself? How could I ever bring healing and true service if I was not loving myself first?” When I realised this, I closed my healing practice and explained the reason why to my clients. This was a brave and very honest decision where my true healing started.

During the Universal Medicine courses I started to learn to connect with my inner-heart and from there with the fiery true energy and, when I learnt the Esoteric Healing modalities, I was confronted with the way I had actually worked with people and their bodies for so many years. I had touched them from the connection with astral energy. Many times it had felt as though it was ‘good’ energy but I started to realise that deep down I had always known that it was false ‘good’ energy – I just had not wanted to know. I started to see that ‘false’ energy could suppress symptoms of the body (pains) and bury those issues deeper into the body, which then gave the client a feeling as if they were gone.

I started to see that pains and illnesses are important messages from our soul – an opportunity to become aware that there are more loving choices to make. We are offered to see how ‘ill’ behaviours lead to ‘illness’.

I had to honestly ask myself these questions:

  • How healing had it really been when I connected with astral energy and touched people’s bodies and from there made pain ‘disappear’?
  • Or did the pain just go hiding deeper in the body, making it harder for people to feel what is really going on in their lives and the consequences their often unloving choices have had on their bodies?
  • How was it for the bodies I treated while being connected with the astral source?
  • Can it be that attending all those courses, where our hurts get addressed with pranic energy, only make us dwell more and more in emotions?

I started to be honest about the fact that I had always known that the astral energy I had aligned to was not one that felt loving nor true; it felt like black energy even if many times the energy showed itself as beautiful white energy. This was and is the tricky thing for many people to come to terms with, that they (including myself) allow themselves to be fooled by those colours and the apparently ‘enlightened’ feelings of ‘bliss’.

Serge Benhayon taught me how to just trust what I feel in my body again. No one can fool a person when they are listening to their body instead of believing the stories of the mind.

I was always looking for the truth – I love Truth, I love Love. I always carried within me a love for people and a willingness to offer others the chance for true healing. I just had to feel again that I am that love myself and live that love.

I have always loved God and always felt that part in me that was the same spark of light connecting me with God as a part of the whole; I was just very lost and looking everywhere for the answer, searching for something outside of me that would make me feel better, more whole.

BEFORE Meeting Serge Benhayon - Sylvia Brinkman (Age 38)
BEFORE Meeting Serge Benhayon – Sylvia Brinkman (Age 38)

AFTER Meeting Serge Benhayon - Sylvia Brinkman (Age 46)
AFTER Meeting Serge Benhayon – Sylvia Brinkman (Age 46)

I am deeply touched that in this life I was able to find my way back to myself, to discover that only in that connection I can feel God, the divine beauty within me and in everybody else. Now I know and feel that true love is loving all – and that it starts with loving myself first.

By Sylvia Brinkman, gorgeous lovely playful woman, mother and partner, General Object Manager, practitioner of the Esoteric Healing Modalities, organizer of women support events, working with Refugees families, Amstelveen, The Netherlands)

Related Reading:
To Heal is not the Same as Cure
The Real Meaning of Healing
Sacred Esoteric Healing as a way of Life

566 thoughts on “I Thought I Was a Great Healer

  1. Also of note is that often, the tell that really gets our attention is the common denominator in issues. If our relationships are not loving then we have an opportunity to go deeper with the loving relationship with ourselves. From there all relationships are much clearer.

  2. It is really amazing to be able to write here “There was always a nagging feeling within of living a lie” because so many people have this nag and can’t put their finger on why or what it is about, they just know that it nags away. Working with the Esoteric was the first time I stopped running from that tension and turned around to look at what it was sharing with me. This is the greatest gift we can offer ourselves and others, an honesty about what is not working and a willingness to be part of the change in our own lives and therefore in the world.

  3. It can be a painful realisation to admit that we are harming others more than healing, our need for recognition is a deep trap that can hold us for lifetimes.

  4. Sylvia, the world is enriched because you chose to heal your hurts. It is outstanding to see your before and after photos.

  5. You can offer to others what you can offer, what you have said yes to. No less no more. Realizing that there is more to say yes to and going for it, opens up amazing avenues to explore life and us in it.

  6. Sylvia, the honesty with which you have shared is so raw, honest and so refreshing. I have come across so many healers over the years who stubbornly justify the truth of what they do and to be open to the fact that maybe they have got it all ‘wrong’ does not even come into consideration. But how wonderful you were able to let go of the healing ways of old and with the support of Serge Benhayon you were able to embrace a new way, a true way of healing. The world has definitely benefited in many ways.

  7. ‘Serge Benhayon taught me how to just trust what I feel in my body again. No one can fool a person when they are listening to their body instead of believing the stories of the mind’ when we live in connection to our body, our whole life changes as we are no longer hostage to our mind.

  8. ‘ “How could I ever bring true healing to others if I was not living that myself? How could I ever bring healing and true service if I was not loving myself first?”’ Well said, this is the key Syliva and makes total sense.

  9. When we start to consider what we bring to life and others we learn that our energetic quality is what is most important.

    1. Many of us have been sold the lie, and swallowed it, that life is about what we do. Life has nothing to do with what we do. The doing is only the means to bring the being into form.

  10. There is nothing as humbling as the communication of our bodies, and even then sometimes we do not listen because we are so identified by the stories of the mind.

  11. Sylvia a deeply honest blog, we can be very arrogant over what we think we know when we come from knowledge or when we allow our mind to have free run, yet when we stop and allow the body to take the lead, the deeper we connect to our inner wisdom.

    1. Indeed so Sally and it gives us back our freedom to just be ourselves, no acts no nothing, just to be ourselves.

  12. Our perception (or lack of it) of energy in our everyday lives, its place in everything is so limited that we are missing enormous opportunities for understanding.

  13. Searching the different modalities is also familiar to me, but now I realise that it was a complete waste of time and money. Many of the healers I went to made absolutely no difference to my health and now I am thankful that they didn’t because I would have hung around even longer, instead of saying no to everything I was involved in.

  14. This blows me away every time I read it. What a complete turnaround, and what an incredible amount of honesty and responsibility you have chosen. Very inspiring.

  15. We can pretend and deny though the truth remains true, forever waiting for us to reconnect to it. Admitting we have been dishonest and choosing to reconnect to truth, is the greatest blessing we can offer ourselves and the world.

  16. I thought I was a great healer too. But no-one ever truly heals anyone, we can just facilitate. And we cannot facilitate unless we are doing our own healing. It all starts with ourselves.

    1. Only we can make the choice to heal, no one can do it for us. All that others can do or that we offer others is a lived way from which to be inspired.

  17. “I started to see that ‘false’ energy could suppress symptoms of the body (pains) and bury those issues deeper into the body, which then gave the client a feeling as if they were gone.”- For me, this is the stand-out sentence in this blog, and one that I have had direct experience with, as after I was a recipient of many shamanic and Reiki ‘healings’, my immediate emotional and physical symptoms seemed to disappear, only to resurface in an even bigger and more intense way months or even years later, as they had been deeply suppressed in my physical and energetic bodies.

  18. You have so much softness in your face now compared to the previous photo. You can feel the openness to equality within your eyes and not the arrogance of the ‘healer’ that knows more. What a great sharing and what a massive consciousness to break out of.

  19. It’s a very fine line between boasting from an arrogant stance about ourselves, and knowing our own worth and the grandness that we truly are. And that fine line is everything. We are either coming from divinity or we are coming from a most destructive force – a force which has created illness, disease, disaster and chaos on earth.

  20. Arrogance is blinding and keeps us closed off. Drop the arrogance and a whole magcial world appears – one that was there all along.

  21. I thought I was very good at thinking but always noticed how small even the greatest thoughts are compared to truth. The difficulty was to find the truth and its much greater intelligence even though it is always with you in the shape of your body – we just have to listen.

  22. Live lovingly with energetic integrity, to the best of your ability and you will be a great healer without even having to try. The idea that we need to learn how to do magic, to get education is just a big lie to hide from the fact that we naturally have everything we ever need. Let’s not forget that today – thank you Sylvia.

  23. Our head can lead us up the garden path to the potting shed where we can get totally lost in the shadows. It’s the body that shows us the truth and sometimes we would rather stay in the shadows that feel the truth of what we are being shown from our bodies. Yet when we do listen, the wisdom that is on offer is totally Divine. Having a commitment to stay connected to our body is very powerful.

    1. That is very beautiful And true. This is what had to be learnt. To let go of this self which wanted to identify with being needed. (which also played in different parts of my life) but also to give myself that present to feel myself that all is in me to heal my own issues. That I could start to truly love myself.

  24. “I Thought I Was a Great Healer” – the word that really stands out to me in that sentence is the word “thought”. The fact is that the mind will have us believe anything and everything but it is our body that tells us the truth.

  25. We are all naturally great healers, however if we do not live a life of care and energetic responsibility then instead of healing we are harming.

  26. I find it amazing how much the hurts from the past can dictate the relationships of the present. And how they can create a shield between us, a barrier that stops the love we have for eachother from entering in or from being expressed out. It is a simple technique that Serge Benhayon presents, but it is so powerful in transforming relationships across the world, just the act of letting someone in and of letting your love to be expressed out is monumental in healing old hurts and in regaining trust in ourselves and in humanity again.

  27. So many of us are fooled by the astral energy, but at the same time we know it’s not the truth. Only honesty can free us up from this by claiming what we know we can feel and not succumbing to the attraction of this energy that is presenting itself as something that can heal. Love and truth is the only way to heal. Nothing from outside of us can do this.

  28. ‘Can it be that attending all those courses, where our hurts get addressed with pranic energy, only make us dwell more and more in emotions?’ For the ten years I and other group members were involved with a Sharman we indulged in our emotions under the guise of needing to address our hurts by expressing how we felt. It was a total waste of time and extremely exhausting.

    1. Very true Mary Louie. I remember doing all those workshop and sessions in which I deeply cried out and thought I was healing a hurt. The strange thing was next time I could cry even more about the same. To be honest I loved to cry about all the bad stuff ‘ that happened to me’ . Even I always deep down knew that it was anyway all my karma what happened in my life. Meeting Serge Benhayon made me in about one day grow up and take my responsibility in life. And yes I cried in Esoteric Healing sessions of practitioners of Universal Medicine. But it was different. I could cry 3 minutes about a big hidden hurt and felt it really releasing from my body for ever and it never came back. And each year I feel myself more in my body and no childhood hurts anymore. They are just gone, amazing it is.

  29. What a deeply honest blog, and it asks many questions that can apply to any job / role … do we just do it well or do we truly care about people in it? And of course if we do not self care first what care can we offer another?

  30. Re-reading my own blog I feel deep appriciation for myself for making the steps out of the lie i was living in. Yes it was a blessing to be able to meet Serge Benhayon and to attend the teachings which were of divine support but also it was asked from me to be willing to be very honest and to let go my need of recognition. And that is where truly healing starts…when we get honest. That is a choice. Are we ready?
    I can share It is worth it so much. How I enjoy life now, how relaxed i feel in my body, how I truly can support others, how I bring all this awarenes into my work.

  31. The greatest gift is recognising we are all practitioners of life with the potential to heal others, in the way we express, write, move, touch and respond to self and others

  32. Sylvia, funny how the title of this blog just caught my eye, and interestingly you thought you were a great healer and you were and are, but simply were not living it at the time! Our ideals and beliefs about healers and healing can get in the way of our natural healing abilities shining out, but as it is you have so beautifully embraced the truth, and in that you have brought healing to yourself and all those around you!

  33. Sylvia, I love your honesty in talking about how you were enjoying your recognition as a healer, but then was coming home to relationships that were not full-filling…we often think we can categorise one area such as work and keep it separate to the other areas such as home life, but in reality what we experience in one we bring to the other – and this is confronting to feel. Amazing to feel the turn around that you were able to embrace, though of course it requires the willingness to see all that we have chosen that is not truly there to support us, and then the willingness to discard it too. And it requires a very open mind and heart to know that recognition is a poor substitute for true love.

  34. Beautiful to re-read Sylvia. I love your openness. I too did various spiritual therapies but was always looking for a return in some form, recognition and wanting to be liked. These days I clock this desire really easily and then know I am not serving others.

    1. It seems to be that we have many layers of this pattern of helping others for recognition.
      If the obvious ones are disappearing we can find that we still do it in a more sophisticated way. For example we please someone by not expressing ourselves by helping the other to stay in comfort and we win that we keep ‘being liked’.

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