When I was 20 years old I got a job in a big bank. I worked as Head of Department and every year I was being promoted to a higher position. I was very good with money and finances and my career was settled.
After ten years I wanted something else. I wanted to ‘deepen’ my life and so for four years I studied to become a holistic massage therapist. I started my own practice and it became successful in such a way that I earned my living from this new career path. For years I worked together with doctors in a medical clinic where they would refer clients to me.
I decided to do more studies on energetic healing and did so many modalities that it is hard to find any that I didn’t do, and I can’t remember all the names, but I became a so-called Reiki master and an Awakening Your Light body master as examples. I studied with gurus and started to present meditation classes. I was teaching third eye travelling, crystal and sound healing and palm reading. I gave sessions in Journey therapy and learned many shamanistic ways to treat people. I went with the American Indians, sat with so-called enlightened ones and various gurus, and my sessions and meditation groups became ever more popular – I even had waiting lists for clients. I was great in ‘manipulating’ energies. If clients came with chronic pain they often left without any pain or at least with much less pain. People called me ‘a great healer’.
Was I truly a great healer? What was I really bringing to my clients?
There was always a nagging feeling within of living a lie that something much deeper was missing, in my connection with myself and God, and in what I brought to my clients.
Looking back, I can now clearly see that I was denying that because I was addicted to the recognition I received through my work. Deep down I knew I was living in a fake way, but I just went on. Interestingly, all those so-called healings never brought to my own life any true healing, and this was reflected in the fact that my relationships with partners, family and colleagues were not loving; they were disharmonious and this did not change at all during the years I was doing all those training courses and so-called ‘healings’.
What I can see now – looking back with honesty – is that I became more and more focussed on what was ‘wrong’ with people and a spiritual arrogance crept in, thinking that I was superior as I ‘knew about life’ and they didn’t. This arrogance created separation between them and me, especially with my family. I didn’t embrace others with love but judged them for behaving stupidly, even though this was mostly unspoken, but as all is felt, they reacted to me and we had arguments. I blamed other people for my issues and for the past I had experienced, instead of truly dealing with my own hurts.
I did my work well but was never really good at being with people. I lived in my own separate world, even though I was behaving like I was open to everyone.
With partners I was often fighting and wanting them to work on their issues, instead of me opening up to truly feel my own hurts and be with them and hold them in love to be able to do the same. The fights became more frequent and intense as all the courses I did buried me deeper into my emotions and an attitude of ‘I know better.’ I hardly had time for my partner or the things he wanted to share because I was always busy with clients. Looking back I feel that I had an attitude that I was more important, so we talked mostly about me. Basically my life was about me, even if it looked like I took care of everybody else. It was all for me, to satisfy myself and my need to be recognised and needed.
It wasn’t until I started to participate in the workshops presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I started to be that honest; to see that there was not one ounce of love more in me or towards others despite all the courses I had done or modalities I had practised before.
More and more I felt that I no longer wanted to play with energies directed by my mind from a source I did not know. I started to wonder how it would be to connect from my heart with people. Then someone I knew died of breast cancer and her husband wondered out loud how it was possible for her to die. He said that it was not fair, that she was a great healer, always there to help others. I asked him if she was also able to love herself and his answer was clear, “No, it was very hard for her to love herself.” We both felt there was an answer in that response.
Meeting Serge Benhayon
Not long after this death I heard about Serge Benhayon and boarded a plane the very next day to meet him. I felt a clear YES in my body to meet this man. That decision was the best decision I had ever made, although quite possibly the most confronting gift at the same time. Serge Benhayon offered me the biggest wake-up call I could have ever imagined, just from observing the way he is and by feeling his unconditional love.
Serge spoke such clear words of wisdom – they were completely resonating with the truth I felt in my body. He never told me what to do, but just by listening to his presentations I became aware of the truth about how I was living. He reflected so much lived true love, a love that I could feel touching that same quality held within myself, a love that I just was not used to living myself anymore. This was shocking to feel and I even felt embarrassed as I could feel the arrogance with which I had lived for so long, pretending that I knew it all and loved all; that I was a great healer.
Serge invited us to become more aware about energy first. He presented that life offers two energies to choose from: one energy being Fiery energy, which we experience as unconditional love, and the other being astral energy, which is all the energy we use when we don’t come from love. This energy is also called Prana.
I started to feel how much I was not living from true love, how I was not connected with myself. And questions were rising to the surface as in – “How could I ever bring true healing to others if I was not living that myself? How could I ever bring healing and true service if I was not loving myself first?” When I realised this, I closed my healing practice and explained the reason why to my clients. This was a brave and very honest decision where my true healing started.
During the Universal Medicine courses I started to learn to connect with my inner-heart and from there with the fiery true energy and, when I learnt the Esoteric Healing modalities, I was confronted with the way I had actually worked with people and their bodies for so many years. I had touched them from the connection with astral energy. Many times it had felt as though it was ‘good’ energy but I started to realise that deep down I had always known that it was false ‘good’ energy – I just had not wanted to know. I started to see that ‘false’ energy could suppress symptoms of the body (pains) and bury those issues deeper into the body, which then gave the client a feeling as if they were gone.
I started to see that pains and illnesses are important messages from our soul – an opportunity to become aware that there are more loving choices to make. We are offered to see how ‘ill’ behaviours lead to ‘illness’.
I had to honestly ask myself these questions:
- How healing had it really been when I connected with astral energy and touched people’s bodies and from there made pain ‘disappear’?
- Or did the pain just go hiding deeper in the body, making it harder for people to feel what is really going on in their lives and the consequences their often unloving choices have had on their bodies?
- How was it for the bodies I treated while being connected with the astral source?
- Can it be that attending all those courses, where our hurts get addressed with pranic energy, only make us dwell more and more in emotions?
I started to be honest about the fact that I had always known that the astral energy I had aligned to was not one that felt loving nor true; it felt like black energy even if many times the energy showed itself as beautiful white energy. This was and is the tricky thing for many people to come to terms with, that they (including myself) allow themselves to be fooled by those colours and the apparently ‘enlightened’ feelings of ‘bliss’.
Serge Benhayon taught me how to just trust what I feel in my body again. No one can fool a person when they are listening to their body instead of believing the stories of the mind.
I was always looking for the truth – I love Truth, I love Love. I always carried within me a love for people and a willingness to offer others the chance for true healing. I just had to feel again that I am that love myself and live that love.
I have always loved God and always felt that part in me that was the same spark of light connecting me with God as a part of the whole; I was just very lost and looking everywhere for the answer, searching for something outside of me that would make me feel better, more whole.
I am deeply touched that in this life I was able to find my way back to myself, to discover that only in that connection I can feel God, the divine beauty within me and in everybody else. Now I know and feel that true love is loving all – and that it starts with loving myself first.
By Sylvia Brinkman, gorgeous lovely playful woman, mother and partner, General Object Manager, practitioner of the Esoteric Healing Modalities, organizer of women support events, working with Refugees families, Amstelveen, The Netherlands)