We are Here Together, so Why are we so Separated?

Most of us go through life with varying relationships with family members, friends, colleagues or neighbours. And most likely we all have, or had, at least one best friend, be it mother, father, a playmate, school friend or lover. With them we feel at ease; we trust them with our deepest thoughts and feelings; we reveal much more to them than to anybody else.

I had two such friends in my life. As a small child I had a ‘best friend’ that I spent my pre-school years with. We were exploring ourselves and life together with uninhibited curiosity and joy.

That ended when our parents sent us to different schools. Apparently I was a ‘bad influence’ on my friend too wild and free. I was heartbroken and withdrew into a previously unknown shyness that I found difficult to let go of for a long, long time. It still holds me in shackles from time to time, even though I have healed most of the hurts from my childhood.

After that hurtful experience, I never had another friend, let alone a best friend – until I met my loving partner many years later.

With him I started opening up and trusting again, slowly and carefully letting myself be seen. And after many years of testing the waters with him, I learned to open up to more and more people.

My story is probably familiar to many people. We start off as an open, joyful child with free expression and no fear of consequences, then we experience rejection and judgement, grow up and build up walls of protection around us. We then feel separated from everybody, except from our best friends, if we have them. And even those best friends will most likely not get the full version of our true being any more, as we have learned to adjust to the ‘adult’ way of behaviour, which is measured and tainted by all the hurts and disappointments of our childhood and teenage years.

The ‘adult’ way of life – being very reserved with people we don’t know, smiling only to our neighbours or people that fit our criteria of what good people should look like, but looking away when strangers look at us, being very polite and friendly but showing no honest interest in the other person, being uncomfortable at parties or gatherings where we don’t know most of the people, where they are all friendly and familiar with each other and we feel like an outsider. All this is not the connection we really want, but we pretend that all is good when inside we feel disconnected, protective and lonely.

But what we all crave deep within is that intimate connection to others that we had as a child. We don’t want to be held back by our self-consciousness and fears. It feels like a prison; it makes us sad and lonely. Our own holding back actually hurts much more than a negative reaction of another towards us. That is just one moment, but our holding back is with us all of the time. It’s a structure that holds us in a certain energy even when we are alone.

So why are we so afraid to let our guard down? What does it do to us when somebody doesn’t like what we do or say, or what we look like? Apart from pressing all the buttons and reminding us of past experiences and bringing up those hurts again, it then reaffirms the held belief that we are not good enough just as we are.

I had that belief for so long that, even when I had addressed those old hurts, I still found it hard to believe that I am actually a lovable person; that the sweetness, goodness and love that I feel inside is good enough and of value for others.

So many of us feel that way, but what do we do about it? Mostly, we wait for others to first prove to us that they will not hurt us. Do we really expect that other people, those strangers that we hold so far away from us, will come to us and tell us that they like us and they would love to see and hear the true version of ourselves, and that we don’t need to feel afraid because they will love us no matter what? We all know that that will not happen, but somehow we still hope. So why don’t we give what we hope to come from others to ourselves, love ourselves no matter what, then make the first step towards the other – by just being open, not holding back – and offer our true sweet nature and see what happens?

For me, the only way out of that deeply held belief in the lack of self-worth, the shyness and sometimes crippling self-consciousness, is to come out of my perceived safe haven.

Step by step, I do what feels possible, trying out different avenues to meet and connect to people and open up more and more. With that comes the experience of how people respond or react to me and it has been the most wonderful journey. People are actually all pretty much the same. They all have a goodness and loveliness inside them and most of them love to share it. I never had so many friends before, even if it is just for a moment.

We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly. We just have to hold ourselves in our natural essence, just be who we truly are deep inside – whether there is a sweetness, tenderness, joyfulness or just a willingness to be present within us – and then keep our hearts and minds open, welcoming the other into our presence and receiving theirs. There is no need to perform, or do or say anything in particular, just allowing ourselves to express what comes naturally in any situation. Sometimes just a smile or simple “hello” opens the door to another heart. You can see it in their eyes – it’s a wonderful light, so beautiful equally in everybody.

I often feel like a child; simple, innocent, joyful and filled with love. And with the experience, wisdom and awareness of the grown woman that I am now, there is an understanding that we are all very similar inside. Everyone is love and has their own way of expressing it. And if they don’t show it, it is no reason for me to feel inhibited in any way, but to understand that everybody is on their own chosen path in life.

If we would only allow ourselves to be what we deep inside know to be true, we can live and connect with each other in this free and intimate way that we secretly all crave for. It’s the easiest, most natural thing in the world.

By Regina Perlwitz, housewife, 60, Mullumbimby, Australia

Further Reading:
The Science of Hurts
Self-worth and self-development – does it work?
What is a True Relationship and How Does that Feel?

753 thoughts on “We are Here Together, so Why are we so Separated?

  1. What a great sharing about the harm we do to ourselves in trying to protect ourselves, and how we can let this way of living go.

  2. “as we have learned to adjust to the ‘adult’ way of behaviour, which is measured and tainted by all the hurts and disappointments of our childhood and teenage years.” I wish more people talked about this and this was more publicly and widely known. It explains a lot of adult behaviour when we understand how many hurts are carried in our bodies (and then how simple it can be to heal them thanks to Universal Medicine).

    1. Yeah totally Sarah it is well known how we maladapt from hurts but what Universal Medicine gives us is ways to heal them from our body whereas most ways try to help you think/talk about it but it doesn’t actually truly heal those hurts. So many of us have healed those maladaptions so we are living much more innocently and childlike.

  3. ‘But what we all crave deep within is that intimate connection but first craving this intimate connection with me! It seems that we spend our life looking for things on the outside when, everything or all that we are searching for is in fact innately within. Ironic really. And then the more we allow and give ourselves permission to truly connect with this then of course all of our relationships, even the ones where we just pass someone by in the street, benefit from this. I truly believe that if it were not for knowing Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon and attending the Sacred Esoteric Healing courses I would still very much be the lost, hurt and unaware person I was before meeting them. And on reflection here I can feel I have also started to re-claim the woman I truly am as well.

    1. Yeah it’s good to reflect on how life was and how life is after. I am not there on being open-hearted like a child, but I am much more open and feels so much better than the hardness and total protection before.

  4. When the world we know as a child begins to get complicated, a little scary and those around us don’t seem to understand what it is we need from them, so many of us start to build a “safe haven”, a place where we can pretend to live the life we create in our minds, but a place that actually dis-connects us from not only ourselves but all those around us. Unfortunately, once built, this so-called haven is very difficult to demolish but with a loving commitment and one step at a time we can finally open ourselves up to life and to others once again.

  5. Only when we allow ourselves to be who we are with no reservation (without perfection) and to express and share that treasure with others we feel content and complete. We are made to share, complement and complete each other. It is the only way. Therefore separation is the poison we need to detox wherever we recognize it and the antidote is connection.

  6. “We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly” so so true Regina and if we all acted on this deep inner knowing then this world would come to be in harmony.

  7. “So why don’t we give what we hope to come from others to ourselves, love ourselves no matter what, then make the first step towards the other – by just being open, not holding back – and offer our true sweet nature and see what happens?” – Beautifully said and even if what happens is rejection that doesn’t mean that we need to then put our guard back up for an open heart is the truest form of ‘protection’ we can ever have…

  8. When we are not loaded down with hurts we naturally want to be with people as it is only our hurts that make us want to avoid people. Raise a child with love and they will love people.

  9. I agree, we all crave intimacy with another therefore it is our responsibility to get to know ourselves intimately first then we are able to be intimate with many others.

  10. ‘I never had so many friends before, even if it is just for a moment.’ I love this. It expresses the universality of us all isn’t dependant on time and earning that special place in another’s heart. I’m just this second realising how much I’ve invested in this belief. If I measure relationships by time and experiences shared I constantly hold people and myself to what has happened – this creates nostalgia or regret and both are emotions that take us away from the opportunities of connection right now. It creates judgement and stifles appreciation and responding to what’s next. Yes, it’s lovely to build in a long-term relationship but every new moment is a new opportunity to deepen. Resting on past laurels, isn’t it?

    I can build a relationship every time I meet a person, whether I’ve met them before or not. We can re-write disrespectful relationships (if the other isn’t willing that doesn’t mean we can’t re-write our part) and, a big one for me who has hidden from people, not have a need to live by past experiences but start afresh, enjoying the friends of any moment.

  11. The problem is that we have no physical register that we are here together; that underneath physical separation there are no energetic boundaries between us. So, this is something that comes to most people at most as an idea. The physical reality is what dominates. And the physical reality (that is not just physical just to be sure), is one were we get to experience different degrees of separation that are not true anyway. It is a self-created experience and reality we fall for.

  12. It can take a while for us to let our guard down enough to get to the point where we no longer worry about what others think of us. After all, who said that everyone has to like what we do and say, and if they do not like it, then there must be something wrong with us – unfortunately, this is the stance we adopt when growing up. There is so much freedom when we let this go.

  13. This a beautiful blog Regina and you are so clearly very beautiful, open, sweet and loving – you can feel it in every one of your words. You have just reminded me that one of my most favourite things to do is to talk with strangers as though they are my best friends. It is remarkable how people open up and what they share with you. Intimacy can be had in every moment with any one that is willing to go there with you. What a perfect blog to read as I move through the city and make my way to work.

  14. It’s so important what you’ve shared about how it’s NATURAL for us to connect and develop relationships with other people, and keeping our distance is actually a forced behaviour that requires much more effort.

  15. When we are young we naturally love every-body as we know we are all one. As we separate from ourselves and each other this diminishes until we become so disconnected that for many of us it is more natural to hurt one another than to hold each other in the love we all are.

  16. The performance habit is very strong in me. I catch myself thinking that I have to deliver things in a certain way to be worthy of acceptance from others. Working with Universal Medicine and the support of articles such as these, endlessly inspire me to break this self-value crushing habit.

    1. Yes, it’s wonderful to have it re-confirmed that just being me is enough. It’s becoming a far less alien feeling now that I am actually starting to be more present and feel how just being, really is enough, the love and beauty that can come through is very lovely.

  17. Just because we all act as if we are strangers doesn’t mean it’s true – after all we’ve lived so many lives we’ve probably been best friends before. There’s nothing to be gained by seeing others as foreigners and everything to understand about how connected we are.

  18. I am realising as I let go of my protection how much was there and how false it has been, based on fears that weren’t true and have kept me separate from from everyone. The joy I feel now when I meet people is wonderful to feel as I let go of the protection.

  19. I’m coming to know what it is to let people in and it’s so lovely and joyful. Yes, I can feel what gets in the way at times but I also know this isn’t the truth of who I am and can choose to live with an open heart.

  20. ‘It’s the easiest, most natural thing in the world’ – I couldn’t agree more, and yet we make it so hard. When I think about the amount of effort it takes to keep ourselves small and away from our natural exuberance, it’s easy to see why we are so exhausted.

  21. We dont erect those walls away from people overnight, nor do they get torn down overnight. Yes in that moment of being open it feels so freeing and there are no walls, but the momentum of choosing the wall gets chipped away with each choice to be open.

  22. It is just crazy to think that every single human being on this planet is from the same species, we all have legs, lungs, hearts, same amount of fingers (unless something has happened), but as a biological characteristic we all have the same make up. Yet, we find every little thing to be more, less or just different from others. We’re constantly looking for differences to compare who is better than whom. Is this how insecure we are really?

  23. You are so right there is no need to perform and I love this ‘sometimes just a smile or simple “hello” opens the door to another heart.’ Or to connect with another’s eyes. When we make it about true connection and people everything changes 💕

  24. Beautiful to read this this morning, thank you Regina. I know the absolute truth of what you share.

  25. We can be with our best friends and still feel separate. This depends entirely on what is going on internally for us. Connect with ourselves and we are connected with everyone.

  26. We keep people out to protect ourselves but what we don’t realise is that we start to diminish ourselves. The lack of self-worth creeps in, and beliefs have us believe that we have nothing of value to offer a relationship; the fact of the matter is that we only have to be us and that is enough.

    1. Keeping people out is so much more harming than letting people in. The question is why do we do this, when every part of us knows to let people in, as we are from the divine source.

  27. As a child we just know how grand and magnificent we are but when that is not confirmed in us we slowly start to negate that knowing that we have of who we are. We have to learn to confirm ourselves irrespective of how another is with us.

  28. It is our totally natural way to ‘have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly’… everything that is not this takes effort, resistance and struggle. This is a properly bonkers state of affairs to find ourselves in.

    1. We are so blessed that we can have an open loving connection with anybody, we just need to choose it in each moment and allow the magic to unfold.

  29. We cannot condemn an entire humanity based on the actions of a few. This is a lesson we all must learn on our journey back to Soul. The hurts we have isolate us from each other and prevent us from expressing the great love that we each in essence are.

  30. ‘But what we all crave deep within is that intimate connection to others that we had as a child. We don’t want to be held back by our self-consciousness and fears. It feels like a prison’. Reading this I can feel how different we are with ourselves and each other when we are young children. Observing the way young children are with each other there is an openness, playfulness, lightheartedness and honesty. If something hurts then children express this and they also express their love of each other without holding back – this is very beautiful to see. As adults it often feels very controlled and serious how we are with each other – not the natural expression that we lived when we were young.

  31. Regina I so loved this line when I read this “Everyone is love and has their own way of expressing it.” reading this shows us there can be no room for any judgment – we are all gorgeous and unique in our expression.

  32. The other day I was in the shower and these words came to me: “I am not here to be anybody’s friend, I am here to be everybody’s friend”. There was a bit of a story before that as to why these words came ~ it felt very freeing and expansive!

  33. Taking the a risk and letting one person in and learning to trust yourself again can be a very healing journey, for then there are many others to follow and walls of protection to come down.

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