We are Here Together, so Why are we so Separated?

Most of us go through life with varying relationships with family members, friends, colleagues or neighbours. And most likely we all have, or had, at least one best friend, be it mother, father, a playmate, school friend or lover. With them we feel at ease; we trust them with our deepest thoughts and feelings; we reveal much more to them than to anybody else.

I had two such friends in my life. As a small child I had a ‘best friend’ that I spent my pre-school years with. We were exploring ourselves and life together with uninhibited curiosity and joy.

That ended when our parents sent us to different schools. Apparently I was a ‘bad influence’ on my friend too wild and free. I was heartbroken and withdrew into a previously unknown shyness that I found difficult to let go of for a long, long time. It still holds me in shackles from time to time, even though I have healed most of the hurts from my childhood.

After that hurtful experience, I never had another friend, let alone a best friend – until I met my loving partner many years later.

With him I started opening up and trusting again, slowly and carefully letting myself be seen. And after many years of testing the waters with him, I learned to open up to more and more people.

My story is probably familiar to many people. We start off as an open, joyful child with free expression and no fear of consequences, then we experience rejection and judgement, grow up and build up walls of protection around us. We then feel separated from everybody, except from our best friends, if we have them. And even those best friends will most likely not get the full version of our true being any more, as we have learned to adjust to the ‘adult’ way of behaviour, which is measured and tainted by all the hurts and disappointments of our childhood and teenage years.

The ‘adult’ way of life – being very reserved with people we don’t know, smiling only to our neighbours or people that fit our criteria of what good people should look like, but looking away when strangers look at us, being very polite and friendly but showing no honest interest in the other person, being uncomfortable at parties or gatherings where we don’t know most of the people, where they are all friendly and familiar with each other and we feel like an outsider. All this is not the connection we really want, but we pretend that all is good when inside we feel disconnected, protective and lonely.

But what we all crave deep within is that intimate connection to others that we had as a child. We don’t want to be held back by our self-consciousness and fears. It feels like a prison; it makes us sad and lonely. Our own holding back actually hurts much more than a negative reaction of another towards us. That is just one moment, but our holding back is with us all of the time. It’s a structure that holds us in a certain energy even when we are alone.

So why are we so afraid to let our guard down? What does it do to us when somebody doesn’t like what we do or say, or what we look like? Apart from pressing all the buttons and reminding us of past experiences and bringing up those hurts again, it then reaffirms the held belief that we are not good enough just as we are.

I had that belief for so long that, even when I had addressed those old hurts, I still found it hard to believe that I am actually a lovable person; that the sweetness, goodness and love that I feel inside is good enough and of value for others.

So many of us feel that way, but what do we do about it? Mostly, we wait for others to first prove to us that they will not hurt us. Do we really expect that other people, those strangers that we hold so far away from us, will come to us and tell us that they like us and they would love to see and hear the true version of ourselves, and that we don’t need to feel afraid because they will love us no matter what? We all know that that will not happen, but somehow we still hope. So why don’t we give what we hope to come from others to ourselves, love ourselves no matter what, then make the first step towards the other – by just being open, not holding back – and offer our true sweet nature and see what happens?

For me, the only way out of that deeply held belief in the lack of self-worth, the shyness and sometimes crippling self-consciousness, is to come out of my perceived safe haven.

Step by step, I do what feels possible, trying out different avenues to meet and connect to people and open up more and more. With that comes the experience of how people respond or react to me and it has been the most wonderful journey. People are actually all pretty much the same. They all have a goodness and loveliness inside them and most of them love to share it. I never had so many friends before, even if it is just for a moment.

We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly. We just have to hold ourselves in our natural essence, just be who we truly are deep inside – whether there is a sweetness, tenderness, joyfulness or just a willingness to be present within us – and then keep our hearts and minds open, welcoming the other into our presence and receiving theirs. There is no need to perform, or do or say anything in particular, just allowing ourselves to express what comes naturally in any situation. Sometimes just a smile or simple “hello” opens the door to another heart. You can see it in their eyes – it’s a wonderful light, so beautiful equally in everybody.

I often feel like a child; simple, innocent, joyful and filled with love. And with the experience, wisdom and awareness of the grown woman that I am now, there is an understanding that we are all very similar inside. Everyone is love and has their own way of expressing it. And if they don’t show it, it is no reason for me to feel inhibited in any way, but to understand that everybody is on their own chosen path in life.

If we would only allow ourselves to be what we deep inside know to be true, we can live and connect with each other in this free and intimate way that we secretly all crave for. It’s the easiest, most natural thing in the world.

By Regina Perlwitz, housewife, 60, Mullumbimby, Australia

Further Reading:
The Science of Hurts
Self-worth and self-development – does it work?
What is a True Relationship and How Does that Feel?

633 thoughts on “We are Here Together, so Why are we so Separated?

  1. To return to how we lived and expressed as children, who can be so wise…… this growing-up thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be if we don’t retain the natural connection to our innermost.

  2. “Our own holding back actually hurts much more than a negative reaction of another towards us.” This perhaps one of the hardest hurts to heal for as you say it seems impossible to believe one is a lovable person. Sharing your experience and approach, Regina, is very inspiring, helpful and practical. Thank you.

    1. It is such a set-up: we get hurt and withdraw and then this withdrawal causes us more hurt than what originally hurt us yet we focus only on the originating hurt and turn a blind eye to every move we made thereafter that cemented this hurt deeper in where it does not in-truth belong.

  3. Yes the so-called ‘adult way of life’ is overdue for a complete review, given that it clearly does not work as all the violence and general unrest shows.

  4. My feeling is that is what hurts us the most and what has snowballed it to be the extreme place it is today. We desperate know that we are to be together in harmony and yet nothing around us supports this and we have confirmed to the separated ways be it in an obvious or subtle way.

  5. We are not unlike the mollusc…waiting until the coast is clear and then slowly emerging out of our shell when we feel that it is safe to do so. Also like the mollusc we have a squishy (delicate) inside that we think we have to protect by creating a hardened exterior beneath which we hide should we feel threatened. Thus the lesson of the mollusc is to emerge fully into the light of day and know that no matter the terrain we find ourselves in, there is a way to be and move that assures us that we will not get stepped on, a way that is carved by all the love that we are and no less than this.

  6. It feels so sad that we coup ourselves up behind acceptable behaviour. The freedom that we knew as children to express who we naturally are is so often dampened due to this. Once we become aware of this contraction in the body It is actually painful.

  7. We go into relationships of different kinds. Some help us mostly to confirm and develop ourselves and what is true about us. Others help us to see clearly (hence to discard) what does not truly allow to bring the true (in) us. Regarding these, the key is to be able to appreciate what is that they brought to us. At the end both work in our favor, yet the ride has a different flavor.

  8. Underneath all the layers of mistrust and protection we foster the hurt of being in separation to all those we innately know we are connected and at one with. What if we are wrong in thinking we need the protection to not get hurt because all along we are far more hurt by the fact that we have this protection, much more so then any individual could ever truly hurt us?

  9. Yes we all crave an intimate relationship with ourselves and with another. We love connecting deeply with another and feel so complete when we have this loving connection.

    1. Beautifully said. The love and connection with ourselves and others is our deepest knowing and craving, as it is the oneness we all know and are. The separation of the world is a far cry from who we are or what we truly want.

  10. I’ve recently become aware of how quickly I put up a wall when my openness is not received as I anticipate it will be. I realise it is conditional. I’ll be open, but only if you are too. If you’re not, then see you later, I’ll go back to being behind closed walls.

  11. “I was heartbroken and withdrew into a previously unknown shyness that I found difficult to let go of for a long, long time.” If we knew the full extent of the pain and devastation that our childhood hurts carry, we would firstly never inflict this on any child, and secondly we would not allow such pain to be a part of our own lives as we would learn to deal with every hurt when it happened. It is only in this way that we will all eventually live lives that are harmonious and deeply honouring of ourselves and others.

  12. What I have come to understand is that we are so separated because we are so disconnected to ourselves. This automatically leads to a disconnection and separation to all those around us as we do not have it as a foundation within ourselves. This is why Universal Medicine has been something that has made complete and utter sense, the modalities, workshops and presentations all support and are based on connection to our innate beings first and foremost. From here we can heal the separation.

  13. It is as life sets us up to be hurt so we do close down and become measured versions of ourselves, but at the end of the day it is our choice to do so. So the shutting down thing is worse for us than the hurt that might come our way, this is a great way to look at it but we are not only hurting ourselves but we are also effecting others and stopping others from coming out of their shells when we hold back from who we truly are.

  14. We ARE here at this point in time walking beside this man Serge Benhayon – he is showing us the way forward out of this mess – what a gift that is, beyond all measure.

  15. Everyone is love and has their own way of expressing it. And if they don’t show it, it is no reason for me to feel inhibited in any way, but to understand that everybody is on their own chosen path in life. Very wise and holds everyone in equalness.

  16. I heard this expression today “the standard we walk past is the standard we accept”. This is what we do in relationship with each other, we accept a lack of intimacy and this becomes the standard we accept in society, when all along we crave intimacy and true connection.

  17. Separate from yourself and you are separated from everyone else. Be connected with yourself and you are connected with everyone else.

  18. The moment we isolate ourselves by the identification of self, i.e. pursue individuality we already have separated from the oneness we come from and belong to. Invested in individuality we must confirm that separation over and over again and that we do by not being in harmony with each other.

  19. Maybe this will happen one day … or is happening in some parts of the world; ‘Do we really expect that other people, those strangers that we hold so far away from us, will come to us and tell us that they like us and they would love to see and hear the true version of ourselves, and that we don’t need to feel afraid because they will love us no matter what?’ This has just helped me reflect on the work I do with young people and working with my colleagues in that do I truly hold them in a space that allows them to be all they are without holding ANY pictures, perceptions, assumptions or versions of themselves I ‘think’ they are!

  20. What I have observed from my own movements lately is how I can shy away or hold back my authority depending on who I am with. This then shows me the pictures I carry, particularly if there are women who are seen or pictured to be older, I find anxiety can creep in and I feel as if what I share is not enough. This has been an interesting observation and what has helped me to see past this is that when I hold myself and feel my body the doubt, or comparison melts away as I feel how similar we all are and that each expression is not only individually needed but also aids in each of our evolutions through sharing and connecting together.

  21. Regina I really like what you say about not holding back your expression with someone even if they are. This is truly loving and deeply caring for oneself as well as the person we are with, as what comes through us to express is not for us to hold onto.

  22. It is true, inside everyone of us, no matter the size, stature, posture or creed, is a natural sweetness and tenderness; in that, we are all the same.

  23. If we are simply connected with ourselves and in the enjoyment of that we naturally will share this joy and connection with everybody we meet, without any holding back or reservedness.

  24. “But what we all crave deep within is that intimate connection to others that we had as a child”. I agree that this is what we all want, to be valued and cherished just for who we are. When this doesn’t happen, we get all the crazy behaviours most of us carry on with in life. Some of these are socially acceptable like being a ‘successful’ workaholic to avoid feeling the emptiness others go for the more obvious signs of hurt, like drug and alcohol abuse.

  25. This blog reminds me how far I have come in the way I relate to others. It also reminds me that many, if not most people are very anxious in social situations. We are made to be with each other and there is so much beauty to discover when we approach each other with openness.

  26. We not only crave the intimate connection we had with others when we were young, we crave the intimate connection we had with ourselves, before we started looking outside of ourselves for answers.

    1. Well said. And then we are on a false search for something, connections and/or relationships, off track from finding what we are looking for. Our connection starts with our relationship with ourselves… a quality that is always there within us, so simple and so natural.

  27. The intimacy we first felt from within ourselves as a young child is the same connection we crave now and yet all it takes is the surrender to the what is. To know how beautiful the return to this connection is and how much more we then open up to other’s, the world and beyond. We are here to support each other to return to ourselves and it is from here that our intimacy for self blossoms and flourishes to then bring all together.

  28. ‘True Regina, holding back is a structure that keeps us where we are, a certain energy that can feel comfortable but also can be very uncomfortable as it is not who we truly are. I love what you’ve shared ‘We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly’ that’s my experience too and I love those unexpected lovely moments with so called strangers on my way out of the holding back.

  29. In the course of my work yesterday I met a few gentleman, who I previously had not met. It was a meeting of less than one hour. It was an example of what you shared Regina, that “We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly”. When we allow ourselves to have these moments with others, it is like we are giving ourselves an opportunity to heal the hurts of previous interactions. In being open with others in this way we ourselves are open to letting go of those hurts that we use as protection.

  30. Being open is also an invitation to be raw and real with people and from this place of honesty and openness, we not only find great depth in our relationships but intimacy too and this is what life is all about.

  31. ‘I often feel like a child; simple, innocent, joyful and filled with love.’ Me too. And it is becoming more natural for me to express this love and joy simply and openly with others… also coming to appreciate the wisdom of every child.

  32. My garden fence blew down in a storm recently and I can see how that old fence had actually outran it’s usefulness. I may need to put up a very low one to protect the plants but how lovely to look out of my kitchen window and see so much further and so much more.

  33. I agree Regina, and connecting to our essence means we are open to connecting with others equally. If we are hard and shut off from ourselves this impacts on everyone we meet and the quality of our connection.

  34. Last night I was supporting a resident with her evening routine, she started to talk to me about the concerts that are held in the Aged Care Home every couple of weeks and how bad and boring they are and how most of the residents fall asleep. The way she painted the scene was super humorous and we both cracked up laughing at the idea of all these elderly people sleeping through these monotonous concerts. It was like we were both kids enjoying a good laugh about nothing really, just enjoying being with each other.

  35. There is no reason to hold back our love, our being who we are, if someone else decides to reject it. Dealing with our own hurts supports us to see that a rejection is not about us, its about the person who is making a choice at the time to reject that same love within them.

  36. Taking the initiative in relationships rather than waiting for the other person is the key to our own evolution and support of others.

    1. Very true Thomas, by not taking the initiative when feeling the opportunity is a vote for holding back everybody.

  37. Not only do we separate ourselves from the rest of humanity, it feels like we have separated from ourselves too, which gives us an empty and incomplete feeling, when we start to reconnect back to who we truly are the separation is no longer felt and we start to open up and express from our essence.

  38. Such a great awareness to have that another’s moment of holding back love towards us is a minuscule drop compared to what we can do to ourselves over a life time. Yet focus can go to the other person and we can ignore our own part in holding ourselves back in love.

  39. “We start off as an open, joyful child with free expression and no fear of consequences, then we experience rejection and judgement, grow up and build up walls of protection around us.” Yes I can completely resonate with this, I built up many walls of protection having experienced rejection and judgement.

  40. As has recently been shown to us – we can have abuse going on in a neighbourhood but because everyone keeps separate – no one says ‘what is going on as something does not feel right’ But as we become more shut down as adults, it is about ‘us’ first – which stops us from connecting with humanity and actually supporting each other naturally as one big community.

  41. When we hold back ourselves waiting for them to be open are we not holding them to ransom? “So why don’t we give what we hope to come from others to ourselves, love ourselves no matter what, then make the first step towards the other – by just being open, not holding back – and offer our true sweet nature and see what happens?’

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