We are Here Together, so Why are we so Separated?

Most of us go through life with varying relationships with family members, friends, colleagues or neighbours. And most likely we all have, or had, at least one best friend, be it mother, father, a playmate, school friend or lover. With them we feel at ease; we trust them with our deepest thoughts and feelings; we reveal much more to them than to anybody else.

I had two such friends in my life. As a small child I had a ‘best friend’ that I spent my pre-school years with. We were exploring ourselves and life together with uninhibited curiosity and joy.

That ended when our parents sent us to different schools. Apparently I was a ‘bad influence’ on my friend too wild and free. I was heartbroken and withdrew into a previously unknown shyness that I found difficult to let go of for a long, long time. It still holds me in shackles from time to time, even though I have healed most of the hurts from my childhood.

After that hurtful experience, I never had another friend, let alone a best friend – until I met my loving partner many years later.

With him I started opening up and trusting again, slowly and carefully letting myself be seen. And after many years of testing the waters with him, I learned to open up to more and more people.

My story is probably familiar to many people. We start off as an open, joyful child with free expression and no fear of consequences, then we experience rejection and judgement, grow up and build up walls of protection around us. We then feel separated from everybody, except from our best friends, if we have them. And even those best friends will most likely not get the full version of our true being any more, as we have learned to adjust to the ‘adult’ way of behaviour, which is measured and tainted by all the hurts and disappointments of our childhood and teenage years.

The ‘adult’ way of life – being very reserved with people we don’t know, smiling only to our neighbours or people that fit our criteria of what good people should look like, but looking away when strangers look at us, being very polite and friendly but showing no honest interest in the other person, being uncomfortable at parties or gatherings where we don’t know most of the people, where they are all friendly and familiar with each other and we feel like an outsider. All this is not the connection we really want, but we pretend that all is good when inside we feel disconnected, protective and lonely.

But what we all crave deep within is that intimate connection to others that we had as a child. We don’t want to be held back by our self-consciousness and fears. It feels like a prison; it makes us sad and lonely. Our own holding back actually hurts much more than a negative reaction of another towards us. That is just one moment, but our holding back is with us all of the time. It’s a structure that holds us in a certain energy even when we are alone.

So why are we so afraid to let our guard down? What does it do to us when somebody doesn’t like what we do or say, or what we look like? Apart from pressing all the buttons and reminding us of past experiences and bringing up those hurts again, it then reaffirms the held belief that we are not good enough just as we are.

I had that belief for so long that, even when I had addressed those old hurts, I still found it hard to believe that I am actually a lovable person; that the sweetness, goodness and love that I feel inside is good enough and of value for others.

So many of us feel that way, but what do we do about it? Mostly, we wait for others to first prove to us that they will not hurt us. Do we really expect that other people, those strangers that we hold so far away from us, will come to us and tell us that they like us and they would love to see and hear the true version of ourselves, and that we don’t need to feel afraid because they will love us no matter what? We all know that that will not happen, but somehow we still hope. So why don’t we give what we hope to come from others to ourselves, love ourselves no matter what, then make the first step towards the other – by just being open, not holding back – and offer our true sweet nature and see what happens?

For me, the only way out of that deeply held belief in the lack of self-worth, the shyness and sometimes crippling self-consciousness, is to come out of my perceived safe haven.

Step by step, I do what feels possible, trying out different avenues to meet and connect to people and open up more and more. With that comes the experience of how people respond or react to me and it has been the most wonderful journey. People are actually all pretty much the same. They all have a goodness and loveliness inside them and most of them love to share it. I never had so many friends before, even if it is just for a moment.

We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly. We just have to hold ourselves in our natural essence, just be who we truly are deep inside – whether there is a sweetness, tenderness, joyfulness or just a willingness to be present within us – and then keep our hearts and minds open, welcoming the other into our presence and receiving theirs. There is no need to perform, or do or say anything in particular, just allowing ourselves to express what comes naturally in any situation. Sometimes just a smile or simple “hello” opens the door to another heart. You can see it in their eyes – it’s a wonderful light, so beautiful equally in everybody.

I often feel like a child; simple, innocent, joyful and filled with love. And with the experience, wisdom and awareness of the grown woman that I am now, there is an understanding that we are all very similar inside. Everyone is love and has their own way of expressing it. And if they don’t show it, it is no reason for me to feel inhibited in any way, but to understand that everybody is on their own chosen path in life.

If we would only allow ourselves to be what we deep inside know to be true, we can live and connect with each other in this free and intimate way that we secretly all crave for. It’s the easiest, most natural thing in the world.

By Regina Perlwitz, housewife, 60, Mullumbimby, Australia

Further Reading:
The Science of Hurts
Self-worth and self-development – does it work?
What is a True Relationship and How Does that Feel?

691 thoughts on “We are Here Together, so Why are we so Separated?

  1. If we feel separate from others it usually boils down to the fact that we ourselves are the ones who have left, by leaving ourselves on the inside, our innermost essence.

  2. People come into our lives and bring us gifts of learning, learning about ourselves, about others and how the world works. If we open our eyes to these gifts, life can become full of treasures.

  3. ‘We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly.’ This is so true it is just what we choose and how we choose to be with people and from experience I know being open and loving omg soooooo much better than putting up a barrier of protection or shutting people out.

  4. I feel that a lot of people feel lonelier being with other people than when we are alone. I feel the tension of the gap between the love that I and we are capable of sharing with each other and the huge deterioration from that potential we have allowed in society. Luckily that tension exists, so no matter how far we try to separate from each other, we will know the call to come back to oneness.

  5. It is so true that we can act as if these rejections do not touch us and all the while we harden and withdraw from life more or more or seek to hurt back.

  6. ‘We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly’… I totally get this, meeting people in my work maybe only once and maybe only for a few moments… and knowing how life changing and heart warming these meetings can be.

  7. What a beautiful invitation to come out of the shadows and share ourselves fully with others. Very risky but oh so worth it.

  8. Yes, the freedom we feel as a child is in every cell of our bodies and then we feel a rejection of that openness and it seems from that moment “we wait for others to first prove to us that they will not hurt us”

  9. ‘We start off as an open, joyful child with free expression and no fear of consequences, then we experience rejection and judgement, grow up and build up walls of protection around us’. A familiar story, and when we hit these low points and disappointments, what we need most is to share our feelings with another. We can be that ‘brother’, on hand to listen and give meaning to what has happened, rather than be devastated by it. Each one of us has an important role to play: offering wisdom, encouraging them to talk openly and guiding them towards an understanding of the bigger picture

  10. We let our hurts reduce us and come between us and our relationships – including our relationship with self.

  11. Thinking we are seperate is one of the hugest lies in life, allowing irresponsibility, indulgence and blame to be rife. Life’s not just about us working together but realising we are all from the same source. Just because some of us behave like islands, doesn’t change the truth of this world. Thank you Regina, for reminding me.

  12. A great point to remember that “everyone is love and has their own way of expressing it. And if they don’t show it, to understand that everybody is on their own chosen path in life.” This allows us to be far more open to living and accepting of all others, as well as ourselves.

  13. The mistake the entertainment business is built on, is a need to have the audience like us before we like ourselves. It’s not a mistake really but a way to guarantee the dependence we will have on others to give us love, this industry operates on need.

  14. There is nothing better than having the joy of a true loving friend as a best friend. It’s not often that this is the case in many friendships where comfort and convenience take hold.

  15. Opening up to others is not difficult when we open up to ourselves, when we connect to our innermost we connect to a strength that no attack is bigger than.

  16. Love how children relate with each other. There is no expectations, attachments, judgments or strategies to be liked and accepted. There is no need to say or do anything in particular. Just an ease and an openess that inspires me to bring it to the ‘adult’ way of life.

  17. I remember my first workshop of Universal Medicine very well. Once I arrived there I felt nervous, shy and withdrew. However instantly I received the support from some people there. Even I didn’t know them, they received me with a true smile, I felt observed but in a very loving way…then I could feel a beautiful warmth from within and I could open up to the amazing presentation held by Serge Benhayon that changed my life. The effects of being open and loving with others can be very healing and supportive.

  18. This night I had a signifcant dream related to this blog. I was in a party with friends. They didn’t seem to really appreciate my presence there. Even as they smiled at me in a very polite way I could not feel really welcomed. I felt open and very observant of the situation, with no reaction, but reading what was going on. It was very new for me feeling so solid and with such a clarity in that moment, as in the past I felt not good enough, wrong, sad and very alone in these kind of situations.

    After reading your amazing words Regina I feel inspired to meet people with my open heart. I know deep within that the fear of being rejected have moulded my true, fresh and natural expression, but I’m ready to bring it out again. Thank you.

  19. Regina, the way you write about our adult life is very telling: the way we hold back, offering polite but shallow conversation when all the while we are craving for an intimacy that deep inside we all know is there.

  20. I agree. Any transition in life can be difficult and our loving support for those going through these transitions can make the world of difference .

  21. We only have to walk down the street, around the park or through the mall with many others walking towards us to realise how many of us live in separation to our fellow brothers and sisters. You can almost hear them saying – please don’t talk to me – as they cast their eyes downward and keep on walking. I used to be one who did just this but these days I don’t hold back; I look lovingly at them and if they choose to look up I smile and say hello. For as you say Regina, “Sometimes just a smile or simple “hello” opens the door to another heart.”

  22. “If we would only allow ourselves to be what we deep inside know to be true, we can live and connect with each other in this free and intimate way that we secretly all crave for. It’s the easiest, most natural thing in the world.” – well said Regina, it is something we all yearn for and yet struggle with so much despite it being the most natural thing for us! We may have forgotten, but the beautiful thing is that it is something that we naturally know to do, so re-turning to that way of being is absolutely possible, as it is not about having to learn something new, but rather returning to something we already know!

  23. ‘Our own holding back actually hurts much more than a negative reaction of another towards us.’ This is key to remember as it can be so easy to get caught up in the hurt of another and go into blame. I am beginning to understand that the more I bring myself, with less holding back, the less I am affected by others.

  24. ‘We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly.’ This is true, especially when we meet with older people who have dementia, there is a light within that we can feel and it is so beautiful when we can connect with that through eyes, and words are not always necessary.

  25. ‘We are Here Together, so Why are we so Separated?’ What if there is a grand plan that we have missed, ignored and buried, and so we are actually working against everything we truly want in life.

  26. I have been coming to Vietnam for many years and have loved the closeness and loving attitude that is a natural way of being, in everyone. These are just my observations; there are now coffee shops where there were tailors, bread is replacing rice, selfies are part of youth, and there is obesity creeping in. The world is getting smaller, but we are getting farther away from everyone and our selves by our choices.

  27. I remembered reading this blog how much I loved my first best friend at primary school, we adored each other, so much love freely flowing in abundance, there was no holding back in how we felt about each other. Thanks for the reminder, and a reflection for me as to how am I living with me and my relationships today.

  28. There is an irony to the question as we are here because we separated once to now learn again to unify as one brotherhood so that we all will be part of the oneness we have separated from once again.

  29. Its is such a shame that childhood hurts can have such a negative effect on our entire lives if we don’t get the opportunity to heal them and even if we do heal most of them, there can be still a certain amount of protection or reserve that keeps us fully from being ourselves.

  30. The one who is at one with himself never will be separated from another, even when the other feels separated from them.

  31. It’s common for us to have a couple of friends we trust and let them in, to an extent at least – believing that we are being ourselves with them, and yet years can go by without us truly letting the other person in. This can happen when we do not truly know ourselves without our ideals and beliefs and in effect are acting out the best possible version of ourselves at that time.

  32. I have noticed recently that those on the autistic spectrum that I work with have become more open and our relationships are becoming much more spacious. I feel that a trust is being deepened as they feel the consistency in me over time and as I become more honest and transparent in how I feel allowing my own vulnerability to be seen.

  33. Rejection can be so stifling and holds us back from opening up to being all the love that we are just in case we lose the love again. So it is a self perpetuating cycle until we go no, I am going to be all the love I am regardless. I also find that if a part of me is holding’ but what if they reject me?’ then I am not being the love that I am and so I feel rejected! It is quite amazing how much we create our reality to suit whatever story we are running with.

    1. So true, we create the situation we most fear because we don’t open up in full! It is therefore a self-perpetuating cycle where we feel everyone else is to blame.

      1. It is amazing how we create exactly what we either want or don’t want – either way it is a perfect set up. It mocks our intelligence when we can repeatedly say over and over again don’t do this or that and then find ourselves doing the very same thing.

  34. “We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly” – the other day on the street I heard a loud dropping sound and turned to see a lady who unfortunately had fallen down onto the pavement. I immediately went to her and with my eyes looked into hers, instantly connecting as I helped her up. In that fragile moment for her, I saw our connection as timeless, with deep understanding with the beauty of complete equalness between us. After I helped her onto her feet, hailed a cab and lifted her luggage into the car, our eyes continued to communicate everything in split seconds …. it was afterwards when I reflected on the situation, I saw just how our natural way is one of connection and that through this we work together, support each other, to operate as one. Because we are one.

  35. This has become more and more apparent to me, how children and young people are prepared for relationships or friendships (especially going wrong), when they move from primary to secondary and we need to support them more with this, particularly building and confirming their relationship with themselves from young, so they have more body confidence, self-worth and self-esteem.

    1. Me too Aimee – it stops me from being myself and so keeps me away from others. Yet when I let it go, suddenly I am there with people and feel all the support and love imaginable. It goes to show quite how much we create the reality we live in. We go around judging ourselves thinking who would want to be with us and so, naturally who would when we are being like that!!

  36. We take words and things people say to heart and decide to storm off, when if they’re not right and speaking the truth, this is when people need loving the most. It’s time we saw that life is here for us to move closer together not further apart. Thank you Regina!

  37. “We can have an open and loving connection with anybody, instantly” – totally agree with you Regina.. the more I have built an open and honest relationship with myself, the easier I find it is to be (this) with others, and also to naturally want to connect with people… And the beautiful thing is that when you do do this, you find the person so similar and familiar to yourself to confirm the fact that we’re cut from the same cloth – of humanity, where we are one big family.

  38. “Our own holding back actually hurts much more than a negative reaction of another towards us.” What a great line to read and explore, as I have been one that holds back far too much back to the point it has made me very ill at times.

    1. Totally agree kevmchardy ‘our holding back is a structure’ this really gave the feeling of the tension which develops in the muscles, tendons and the entire connective tissue in the body from our living and repeating that holding – and what that potentially develops into in the body.

  39. Just because another person is holding back from sharing their love doesn’t mean that I need to echo their way of relating. I can stay with and in love and express it naturally so and it is up to them to either respond or react and for me to allow them that. Not judging, giving or receiving love but being love with the power and beauty it represents.

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