Dear Me,
We’ve had an up and down relationship over the years, but I’ve recently reached a point in my life where I really felt like re-connecting with you.
I know that mostly I’ve tried hard to ignore you, drowning you out with a million distractions. Every time you turned up I freaked out and ran the other way. And when you started talking to me through my body – well! That was the last straw! I wanted nothing more to do with you. I shut you down and that was that – you left me in peace, with the numbness that I was seeking so that I didn’t have to even look in your direction. You were asking me to commit to being with you, and to be who I was, and I wasn’t ready to give up the life I’d created. I’ve always known you were there, waiting for me to connect to you, but I liked to take my time, flirting with many versions of you that weren’t really it. Each time they disappointed me.
Like the time I dated RightandWrong, thinking that was you. He made things easy for me, and we hit it off immediately. All I had to do was revert back to the list of pictures he had of what was right and what was wrong, to make all my decisions on. I thought I loved being with him, but actually what I loved is the recognition I got from the right, and the dramas of the wrong. I started to realise that I didn’t have any sense of what I felt was true, and nothing true to say, just a polite and socially acceptable version of myself, based on that list. And when I got things wrong, I’d feel bad about myself, and treat others with the same harsh judgment. RightandWrong was really bad for my self-esteem, so eventually I had to leave.
Then there was the time I dated Loyalty. Loyalty was awesome to start with. I had such a massive crush on him because he made me feel like a rockstar and look SO good, and I got loads of recognition for being with him. I made myself into the perfect friend, daughter, sister, worker… whatever role I could get my hands on, I was determined to show my Loyalty off to others. And the best bit was, they loved him too! Loyalty and I would do anything for them – stressing ourselves out over the slightest of things, being all things to all people, all of the time. But living as fake superheroes eventually took its toll. We didn’t have time for ourselves anymore, and we realised that being all things to all people, to the detriment of ourselves, just wasn’t it. So … again, it didn’t last.
After Loyalty, I went out with Fence-Sitter. Now this one I thought would be different. He had potential. No arguments, super chilled, seeing all things from all sides. Except… his favourite colour was fence-colour beige, and he didn’t want to go anywhere. I mean anywhere, ever. He was kind of obsessed with hanging out on the fence, and in the end all we did was just sit on the fence, watching and waiting for things to be safe enough to climb down. But it turns out that by sitting there on the fence, the chaos around us didn’t just continue to happen, it got worse. Just by us not doing anything, not acting. It didn’t matter which side of the fence we were looking over, things down there were not good – and observing them wasn’t going to make them go away. Fence-Sitter gave me security, and it felt very comfortable, but we were totally cut off from everyone else, in our own world of oblivion.
I started to feel that none of these versions was right for me, but in my anxiety I turned further away from you and as a last resort I went out with Numbness. With him I felt… nothing at all. While my life was a bit bland, it didn’t really matter because I had the perfect excuse to not do anything, to not take action, because I couldn’t even feel what was going on around me. Then something happened. Bullying took place right in front of my eyes, and I didn’t even want to see it or feel it. I froze, and found myself totally unwilling and seemingly unable to act. It was devastating as I could feel how my doing nothing affected everyone, those that I loved, and allowed the abuse to continue.
So after all that I’m taking a break. I decided not to date any more versions of you, and to allow you back into my life, to feel what it would be like to be just with you. With the space, I’m starting to let go of relying on my head and on others to tell me who I am.
When I started to do things like the Gentle Breath Meditation™ to connect to and feel more deeply who I am, underneath all of the ‘stuff’ – the ideas we take on, the things we think we’re supposed to be – I started to feel more space. And in that space you appeared, tentatively at first, and then more and more often. You started to show me who I am: nothing of what I thought I was supposed to be, and everything about who I actually am but have fought against for so long.
I’ve worn myself out with fighting you, and with that I’m more open to seeing you for who you really are, and not who I thought you were.
I love the way you’re just not personal, and don’t take anything personally. You show me who I am, without hiding anything, and without criticism, and give me the space to be and love me. You have offered me countless opportunities to speak up, most of which I’ve rejected, out of an invented fear that the world will go nuts if I dare speak in your name. But no matter how many detours I take, however long I delay, you’re always there, waiting for me to reconnect to you in my own time.
Your steadiness and patience is inspirational, your love, endless. I’ve realised that none of my other relationships can give me anything that I’m not already, and that none of them will have any foundation unless I’m prepared to build a true relationship with you first: the real Me.
High five, Me – you’re pretty awesome.
Love,
B
By B, UK
Further Reading:
A Letter to my 13 year old Self
Our Relationship with Ourselves is the Start of All Things
Returning to our essence
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
I can really feel the depth of these words
“But no matter how many detours I take, however long I delay, you’re always there, waiting for me to reconnect to you in my own time.”
I have taken so many detours over so many lifetimes and I can attest to the fact, that the universe is always there waiting for me to reconnect to the glory that was there all the time. We cannot hide, run, numb ourselves enough, at some point we will all say enough is enough, we will turn and in that movement feel and know that the universe is still holding us as it has always done, no matter how wayward our actions there is no judgement.
The Magnificence that is our Essence, Inner-most-heart/Soul go hand in hand so no right or left, only the feeling of the Joy of the most divine experience of feeling glorious. Simple when we start to let go of the individuality that drives us to distraction and then some.
Oh how complicated we make it when it really is so simple.
Absolutely Simple Vicky, life’s complexities open the door to illusion and thus everything becomes a distraction from our divine essences.
Thank you, I love this because you remind me there are many layers to re-discover about the relationships we have with ourselves. We may not know we are in one of them and that they may not be completely honouring of ourselves till we choose to take a deeper look.
I think it was about 2 years ago that I realised I didn’t have a relationship with me and that it was time to get started and rediscover myself. I had spent a lifetime listening and taking on board what other people thought I should be, never once considering that there was a me. I’m having great fun exploring all the different facets of me and finding out that actually I’m very deeply loving underneath the hard layers of protection I have hidden behind.
This blog is a fun way of looking at the layers/different aspects of our relationships with self.
It’s like we are constantly putting on different masquerade costumes and trying to fit in, be someone, or find ourselves, when there is actually a very beautiful person already inside ourselves waiting to be reconnected to.
We forget who we are in truth, trying to please others, and not honouring self, ‘I started to realise that I didn’t have any sense of what I felt was true, and nothing true to say, just a polite and socially acceptable version of myself, based on that list.’
Really appreciating reading this again. I love noticing the relationships I’ve tried to make happen when actually I’ve got one right here that I’ve been waiting for all my life. Great to knock the imposters out the door though.
This morning I realised one I’ve been playing all my life. It’s the one where I put myself on a platter and ask of another, am I good enough? Will you choose me? It’s a great drama- the doldrums of not being chosen, of not being good enough, the victriolic fight back to saying yes I am okay despite what you think, the anger, the self-loathing. But mainly the excitement. Will I / won’t I be picked? If I am, the euphoria followed by insecurity and sabotage to start the cycle again. I have lived like this avoiding the true relationship I can have with myself and bring to everyone I meet.
Reading this reminded me of a time in my late teens, early 20’s when I went a bit wayward. I knew this and could feel at the time that I wasn’t listening to my body and something I knew to be true, but had the attitude of ‘I will get it together in a few years time!!!!’ Crazy that we avoid being the love that we are in order to have ‘fun’ (er which is not fun but actually complete misery) which takes us further away from ourselves, making the journey back to our truth longer than it need be.
Yes how much fun do we have at the detriment of the body, our very own body???? It has to deal with our version of fun and then we bemoan it when it cannot keep going with that level of abuse any more.
Vicky Cooke I know exactly what you mean when you say it’s
“Crazy that we avoid being the love that we are in order to have ‘fun’ (er which is not fun but actually complete misery)”
The complete misery has to come out of our bodies so that it can heal. When we can heal the harm we have inflicted on ourselves then there is the space that opens up and we can literally feel heaven all around us, the sky feels vast and beautiful as does our place in it.
Many people do not listen to their bodies, ‘I know that mostly I’ve tried hard to ignore you, drowning you out with a million distractions.’
I love reading this. I can relate to many of the different versions you tried to be. My biggest one I made was such a conscious decision: to be perfect, or the perfect chameleon to suit everyone around me just so I could avoid judgement or a bad word said about me. As I drop this it’s amazing because when people do think and say things about me that aren’t loving and often aren’t true, I’m able to live with this as I know who I am. And who I’m discovering myself to be is pretty awesome! And this isn’t big headed because I don’t own the loveliness that is expressed through me, it’s for everyone.
I used to try to be perfect, in an attempt to avoid the continual judgements, and put downs; they never expressed/saw how amazing I was/am, ‘ My biggest one I made was such a conscious decision: to be perfect,’…….. ‘just so I could avoid judgement or a bad word said about me.’
I love your playfulness in seeing the different versions of ‘you’ and how you were with them to choose anything but truth and connection. When we are honest about this (how we are) and able to see the different parts we play to either fit in, feel good about ourselves or to not feel at all! that is when the true healing can start because we are no longer in denial or avoiding what we know to be true.
Bringing more playfulness and joy into the world is so welcome/needed.
Sometimes it takes the shame of seeing how much we hide and walk away from our own values to put a rocket through our holding back.
Lucy, I can feel how I have spent lifetimes hiding in the shadows, having walked away and given up on humanity, All I can say is thank heaven that God hasn’t given up on us all, but without any judgement waits for us all to make that turn when we face the truth of who we are and walk back to the greatness we belong to.
Every word, thought, sense or feeling of judgement and criticism towards ourselves we place on another. Our fellow brother is not right or wrong as there is no such thing; it is us that needs to look at the right and wrong that we place on ourselves and on others.
Superb blog B, love the lightness and how you described some of the false versions of ourselves.
B, you have just nailed how dating our emotions just gets us going around and around in circles. I absolutely loved your blog and thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Thank you.
‘dating our emotions’ is exactly it. The succinctness of this is eye opening to what’s going on.
Being in the constant pursuit of being something other than ourselves is exhausting, and yet we still choose it until someone comes along and tells us that we can live in a different and more rewarding way.
Yes, if we considered this, the fact that we are so busy trying to fit in and be what we think everyone wants us to be so we are accepted that we are exhausting ourselves, we might have an inkling as to why we have a plague of exhaustion.
Not honouring our essence, our true selves, and trying to be ‘everything’ for everyone is very depleting, then we wonder why we are exhausted.
Julie thank heaven literally that someone has come along to tell us that we can live in a different and more rewarding way. But also has fully exposed the sham of life and the lies we have all bought into. So it is impossible to now say we didn’t know.
Absolutely, thank God that the sham and lies of life on planet earth are being exposed for what they are.
The thing is we make life into such a complicated maneuvering when everything is already here and we are already it. It is so freeing when we can finally decide that we have had enough of that and step back into simplicity.
I loved reading this blog as there’s many of those things I relate to, being right, wrong and the loyalty is biggie for me. I became stoic with loyalty.
We can pretend to ignore but somewhere deep down inside, there’s always this thing that is nagging at us. Eventually we make a decision or the body makes it for us. Before I would freak out when my body signalled, and for me, it is through my ears. Now I am less reactive and read what my body is speaking.
I haven’t mastered it but this relationship with me begins with the body, it is your best friend and will never let you down.
My relationship with my body is a deepening process, learning to stay connected all the time ‘ I’ve always known you were there, waiting for me to connect to you’.
I went out with the ‘fence sitter’ for quite a while. At the time, I felt comfortable seeing both sides to any dispute and not getting involved, but I didn’t realise the stagnation that crept in as a result! There is a nebulousness to fence sitting which builds no foundation at all.
So true. I thought it was the most fair way to be, but actually it means we can sit by and watch terrible atrocities happen, all the while explaining it away so that no personal action is called for.
Atrocity, really can be the end result of fence sitting. It is only recently that I truly clocked, how in Nazi Germany the Jews got to the point they we so terribly persecuted. It came from those, in the early days, who did not have the courage to back what was true, in case reputations were damaged and fear of what others might think. Fearing what others might think, especially if it comes from a government agency seems to cloud common sense, clear thinking and clear action. We know to what snowballed disaster this lead to. What would have happened if, at the beginning of the propaganda campaign people said no, pulled together and got off the fence?
People adopt the ‘fence-sitter’, thinking it has all the answers, ‘Fence-Sitter gave me security, and it felt very comfortable, but we were totally cut off from everyone else, in our own world of oblivion.’
This is a real love story! I love the playfulness with which you have described a game which most if not all of us recognise so well. And the true love that is always there ready to embrace us when we are ready.
Being true to ourselves, connecting to our soul, ‘You show me who I am, without hiding anything, and without criticism, and give me the space to be and love me.’
So much to relate to here. I really did replace listening to my body with so many different behaviours that were not me.
Yes embarking on a relationship with me that is open to rediscovering who I am, and not put off by all the lies or pictures of what this entails that are there to scare me off reconnecting.
There is simply no place I’d rather be than in my body – truly, deeply and without distraction.
I have also gone round the houses to come back to me, sometimes my choice, sometimes through an accident or illness, but always I wonder why we have to leave in the first place even though there are many answers to this.
The outward search for that which lives within, is not only misguided, it is deliberate.
I am beginning to realise a relationship with us first is the most important thing we can do for ourselves. Once this relationship is developed and formed, then it lays solid foundations to be a beacon for others to do the same.
A loving relationship with self first and foremost is foundational for all other relationships.
I can totally relate to this blog and how dating all of these people thinking they are the ones and then the disappointment sets in. All of them fit into what the mind wants and not what the body is asking of you.
The key was this sentence, ‘I’ve always know you were there, waiting for me to connect to you’. And I’m working towards this more and more.
I love reading this. Light-hearted, engaging but so on point.