Dear Me: A Letter to My Relationship with Me

Dear Me,

We’ve had an up and down relationship over the years, but I’ve recently reached a point in my life where I really felt like re-connecting with you.

I know that mostly I’ve tried hard to ignore you, drowning you out with a million distractions. Every time you turned up I freaked out and ran the other way. And when you started talking to me through my body – well! That was the last straw! I wanted nothing more to do with you. I shut you down and that was that – you left me in peace, with the numbness that I was seeking so that I didn’t have to even look in your direction. You were asking me to commit to being with you, and to be who I was, and I wasn’t ready to give up the life I’d created. I’ve always known you were there, waiting for me to connect to you, but I liked to take my time, flirting with many versions of you that weren’t really it. Each time they disappointed me.

Like the time I dated RightandWrong, thinking that was you. He made things easy for me, and we hit it off immediately. All I had to do was revert back to the list of pictures he had of what was right and what was wrong, to make all my decisions on. I thought I loved being with him, but actually what I loved is the recognition I got from the right, and the dramas of the wrong. I started to realise that I didn’t have any sense of what I felt was true, and nothing true to say, just a polite and socially acceptable version of myself, based on that list. And when I got things wrong, I’d feel bad about myself, and treat others with the same harsh judgment. RightandWrong was really bad for my self-esteem, so eventually I had to leave.

Then there was the time I dated Loyalty. Loyalty was awesome to start with. I had such a massive crush on him because he made me feel like a rockstar and look SO good, and I got loads of recognition for being with him. I made myself into the perfect friend, daughter, sister, worker… whatever role I could get my hands on, I was determined to show my Loyalty off to others. And the best bit was, they loved him too! Loyalty and I would do anything for them – stressing ourselves out over the slightest of things, being all things to all people, all of the time. But living as fake superheroes eventually took its toll. We didn’t have time for ourselves anymore, and we realised that being all things to all people, to the detriment of ourselves, just wasn’t it. So … again, it didn’t last.

After Loyalty, I went out with Fence-Sitter. Now this one I thought would be different. He had potential. No arguments, super chilled, seeing all things from all sides. Except… his favourite colour was fence-colour beige, and he didn’t want to go anywhere. I mean anywhere, ever. He was kind of obsessed with hanging out on the fence, and in the end all we did was just sit on the fence, watching and waiting for things to be safe enough to climb down. But it turns out that by sitting there on the fence, the chaos around us didn’t just continue to happen, it got worse. Just by us not doing anything, not acting. It didn’t matter which side of the fence we were looking over, things down there were not good – and observing them wasn’t going to make them go away. Fence-Sitter gave me security, and it felt very comfortable, but we were totally cut off from everyone else, in our own world of oblivion.

I started to feel that none of these versions was right for me, but in my anxiety I turned further away from you and as a last resort I went out with Numbness. With him I felt… nothing at all. While my life was a bit bland, it didn’t really matter because I had the perfect excuse to not do anything, to not take action, because I couldn’t even feel what was going on around me. Then something happened. Bullying took place right in front of my eyes, and I didn’t even want to see it or feel it. I froze, and found myself totally unwilling and seemingly unable to act. It was devastating as I could feel how my doing nothing affected everyone, those that I loved, and allowed the abuse to continue.

So after all that I’m taking a break. I decided not to date any more versions of you, and to allow you back into my life, to feel what it would be like to be just with you. With the space, I’m starting to let go of relying on my head and on others to tell me who I am.

When I started to do things like the Gentle Breath Meditation™ to connect to and feel more deeply who I am, underneath all of the ‘stuff’ – the ideas we take on, the things we think we’re supposed to be – I started to feel more space. And in that space you appeared, tentatively at first, and then more and more often. You started to show me who I am: nothing of what I thought I was supposed to be, and everything about who I actually am but have fought against for so long.

I’ve worn myself out with fighting you, and with that I’m more open to seeing you for who you really are, and not who I thought you were.

I love the way you’re just not personal, and don’t take anything personally. You show me who I am, without hiding anything, and without criticism, and give me the space to be and love me. You have offered me countless opportunities to speak up, most of which I’ve rejected, out of an invented fear that the world will go nuts if I dare speak in your name. But no matter how many detours I take, however long I delay, you’re always there, waiting for me to reconnect to you in my own time.

Your steadiness and patience is inspirational, your love, endless. I’ve realised that none of my other relationships can give me anything that I’m not already, and that none of them will have any foundation unless I’m prepared to build a true relationship with you first: the real Me.

High five, Me – you’re pretty awesome.


By B, UK

Further Reading:
A Letter to my 13 year old Self
Our Relationship with Ourselves is the Start of All Things
Returning to our essence

549 thoughts on “Dear Me: A Letter to My Relationship with Me

  1. I love your playfulness in seeing the different versions of ‘you’ and how you were with them to choose anything but truth and connection. When we are honest about this (how we are) and able to see the different parts we play to either fit in, feel good about ourselves or to not feel at all! that is when the true healing can start because we are no longer in denial or avoiding what we know to be true.

  2. Every word, thought, sense or feeling of judgement and criticism towards ourselves we place on another. Our fellow brother is not right or wrong as there is no such thing; it is us that needs to look at the right and wrong that we place on ourselves and on others.

  3. B, you have just nailed how dating our emotions just gets us going around and around in circles. I absolutely loved your blog and thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Thank you.

  4. Being in the constant pursuit of being something other than ourselves is exhausting, and yet we still choose it until someone comes along and tells us that we can live in a different and more rewarding way.

  5. The thing is we make life into such a complicated maneuvering when everything is already here and we are already it. It is so freeing when we can finally decide that we have had enough of that and step back into simplicity.

  6. I loved reading this blog as there’s many of those things I relate to, being right, wrong and the loyalty is biggie for me. I became stoic with loyalty.

    We can pretend to ignore but somewhere deep down inside, there’s always this thing that is nagging at us. Eventually we make a decision or the body makes it for us. Before I would freak out when my body signalled, and for me, it is through my ears. Now I am less reactive and read what my body is speaking.

    I haven’t mastered it but this relationship with me begins with the body, it is your best friend and will never let you down.

  7. I went out with the ‘fence sitter’ for quite a while. At the time, I felt comfortable seeing both sides to any dispute and not getting involved, but I didn’t realise the stagnation that crept in as a result! There is a nebulousness to fence sitting which builds no foundation at all.

    1. So true. I thought it was the most fair way to be, but actually it means we can sit by and watch terrible atrocities happen, all the while explaining it away so that no personal action is called for.

      1. Atrocity, really can be the end result of fence sitting. It is only recently that I truly clocked, how in Nazi Germany the Jews got to the point they we so terribly persecuted. It came from those, in the early days, who did not have the courage to back what was true, in case reputations were damaged and fear of what others might think. Fearing what others might think, especially if it comes from a government agency seems to cloud common sense, clear thinking and clear action. We know to what snowballed disaster this lead to. What would have happened if, at the beginning of the propaganda campaign people said no, pulled together and got off the fence?

  8. This is a real love story! I love the playfulness with which you have described a game which most if not all of us recognise so well. And the true love that is always there ready to embrace us when we are ready.

  9. Yes embarking on a relationship with me that is open to rediscovering who I am, and not put off by all the lies or pictures of what this entails that are there to scare me off reconnecting.

  10. I have also gone round the houses to come back to me, sometimes my choice, sometimes through an accident or illness, but always I wonder why we have to leave in the first place even though there are many answers to this.

  11. I am beginning to realise a relationship with us first is the most important thing we can do for ourselves. Once this relationship is developed and formed, then it lays solid foundations to be a beacon for others to do the same.

  12. I can totally relate to this blog and how dating all of these people thinking they are the ones and then the disappointment sets in. All of them fit into what the mind wants and not what the body is asking of you.

    The key was this sentence, ‘I’ve always know you were there, waiting for me to connect to you’. And I’m working towards this more and more.

  13. It’s beautiful how you say that in letting go of all the things you had realised were not truly you, you gave yourself the space to get back in touch with the true you and for that quality to come back to the fore.

  14. This is such a wonderful blog – very entertaining but with a very strong message. I agree, it is completely exhausting fighting ourselves.

  15. Yes, our minds come up with endless reasons to give ourselves the cold shoulder, but it is only delaying the inevitable return to love, that simply requires us to accept that we are equally divine and there are no exceptions.

  16. I love that you wrote a letter to yourself – this is very beautiful. In the evenings I write a diary and to write about how I am feeling and how my day has been, this self-reflection and self-conversation feels really supportive.

    1. Yes, I do this too as a wonderful way to really be with myself after many times of abandoning myself. Indeed, if I’ve abandoned myself in the day this is a time to reconnect and see what there is to learn.

  17. What a beautiful letter to yourself B. A source of inspiration for any one of us that does not feel or value their own self worth.

  18. I love this letter B, so important to deepen and have a loving relationship with ourselves first, then all our relationships will have the same beautiful imprint.

  19. When I embrace the fact that it is the quality of my connection with the ‘real me’ that informs the quality of all my relationships and interaction with the world, things get super simple and it is more obviously ridiculous to duck this opportunity, choice and responsibility.

    1. Appreciating how you’ve bundled together opportunity, choice and responsibility here.. our choices and responsibilities are always opportunities to learn, grow and deepen, so long as we stay open to that fact.

  20. What greater relationship could there be than with someone who ‘give[s] me the space to be and love me’? Thanks, B, for highlighting the deeply beholding support we can offer ourselves when love is our foundation.

  21. Developing and deepening a relationship with our true selves like this, is fundamental to being able to bring our all to the world, otherwise we are putting up a false front and trying to be something we are not.

  22. To be in love with ourselves is not an indulgence, nor does it have anything to do with bigging ourselves up or self-congratulation, it is the foundation for the quality of all our other relationships and is realising, appreciating and honouring all the love that we innately, naturally are.

  23. Thank you so much B, it’s been great timing for me to read this again. There is almost a belief there that me just being me could not possibly be enough, when it so is. And, my mind also finds it hard to accept the simplicity of it all. I loved how you set out all the different ways you were dating other versions of you, and how you have run from yourself, I could really relate to it all. Underneath it all we really do just want to be ourselves, it’s like coming home.

  24. Thank-you B, I too have dated the same versions of me that you have. I allowed loyalty in my life the longest and it was the best because no one saw it as irresponsible – even though it is hugely so. You never have to be your full self because you are “all things for everyone else” and people (we all) love that. It is the most insidiously destructive one.

    1. I agree Terri-Anne Connors – it is worth taking a look at what loyalty really means and how it can have us hooked into thinking that it is an admirable quality. ‘Living as fake superheroes’ is incredibly draining while all the while we think we are doing the noble and honourable thing….we may be but more often than not we have just subscribed to the old pattern of giving ourselves away for the supposed love and recognition – that feeling of comfort – that it brings.

  25. It is not so much that we can switch what parts of us we choose to relate and identify with and let it out. It is about connecting deeply with ourselves and being able to feel our own beauty and then go from there.

  26. Having pictures about how we think we ought to be really is a killer for self-esteem and also warps our perception of ourselves and life around us, getting in the way of us sensing what is actually true.

  27. High 5 to me too! No matter how loving, exquisite and divine my relationships are with others if I do not fully honour, appreciate and deepen my connection with myself then they will never be enough. The more I love and appreciate myself without any effort I do the same for those around me – it’s almost impossible not to as the words of appreciation just come out of my mouth. We cannot hold back the love we are when we start to live it in full. Hold it back and then anything can come out of our mouths.

  28. We can so easily distract ourselves by doing things for others and then justify why we did not complete what we needed to do for ourselves by championing ourselves for helping others.

  29. I really felt the insidious comfort of sitting on the fence as I read your blog this morning. Its not about taking sides or having an opinion but about connecting to what is true for us, very simply stating the Truth in a loving way, being able to stick ones neck out as it were and engage in whatever is happening, coming down from the high horse and getting stuck in. It is about participating in life and accepting that we are doing the best we can in the moment.

  30. I love this playful dating blog. you offer a great summary of all the relationships we have and all the relationships we invest in more than the one with our own bodies. The relationship with our own body prepares us for whatever life delivers, why would we move away from that?

  31. Very sweet blog, love the reference to serial dating with no true relationship in sight. The body is a lifelong aware and loving friend and honouring this relationship is so fulfilling. Deep appreciation for ‘dear me’, thank you B.

  32. I was struck by what you said here about right and wrong. When we see things are either being right or wrong we are left with just a series of images that we have to fit life into. In this way of seeing life there is no room for us to know who we are in essence as it is just about living by a series of rules or pictures that tell us what is right and what is wrong and the yardstick for those rules comes from the outside world rather than from our inner essence. No wonder we are totally lost when we operate from right and wrong.

  33. A cute way to stop and feel all we live and choose that which is not true. Why date anxiety when we can date stillness? And taking this one step further why date when we can love, commit to, marry and this. ✨

  34. “Your steadiness and patience is inspirational, your love, endless.”
    I know someone who lives this consistently. But as I read it today I nodded as I know this is in me too.

  35. I love the way this blog is presented. We do date different versions of ourselves. The problem is that if we do not present the truth upfront nothing true can happen and everything thereafter can only be a compromise.

    1. Always trying to be something or someone for other people, and never just being ourselves and offering all that can be. When we do that we realise we all have something to bring, a different angle, or offer for support. Everyone has a role that is guaranteed by the divinity we all have inside, we just need to connect with that and the rest is taken care of.

  36. Profound B, glorious blog – true, funny, communicative and expressive of what is real, honest and super loving. It reminds me of the playfulness and mastership we actually do know and when I see a blog written like that it reminds me that we know everything already. Just playing less at times, which is absolutely silly.

  37. B, this has very much been my experience; ‘none of my other relationships can give me anything that I’m not already, and that none of them will have any foundation unless I’m prepared to build a true relationship with you first: the real Me.’ I used to be anxious with other people and unsure of what to say and how to be so I always felt on edge. This has changed and now as I have developed a relationship with myself and I now love and appreciate myself. I now enjoy relationships with others and do not have this anxiousness and feeling on edge, I feel much more relaxed and appreciative of the people in my life.

    1. That has been my experience too Rebecca – that it’s by having a true knowing of ourselves, through a connection to our bodies, i.e. staying with what we can feel and not abandoning ourselves the moment things get a little bit stressful and we don’t like what we’re feeling, that we feel sure and steady in life, and less rocked by whatever is going on around us.

      Loving and appreciating ourselves and making choices that support our bodies, and make it more okay to stay with what we’re feeling – by accepting whatever it is that is there – means that the anxiety is less and less present in my life. It’s like the more we love and appreciate ourselves, the less hold anxiety has over us – there is nothing for it to grip onto, so it just starts to slip away, out of the backdoor, without a fuss.

      1. Thanks so much for everything you have shared here Bryony, this is exactly what I’m working on, turning to love and care when I’m in a panic or distress about what I’m feeling, situations where I normally am unable to support myself.

      2. I agree, Bryony. When we start to love ourselves, none of our past dramas and identifications of being the victim or struggling in life have the same hold over us…it simply does not make sense any more in relation to who we truly are.

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