Family Defined by Quality

The word family can mean a lot of different things to different people all over the world. Within all of these meanings, there is one thread of ‘togetherness’ or people ‘sticking together.’ However, there seems to be a range of definitions that describes this ‘togetherness’ and keeps people who call themselves family together.

These definitions of togetherness are often identified by the behaviours, patterns, beliefs and ideals within family groups that we continue to play out and express with each other, many of which may not be good or true for us and our wellbeing.

We can often come to tolerate or accept behaviours and ways of being from family members that we would deem unacceptable from strangers, let alone justify. Yet we tend to let these slip through for ‘family,’ simply because we have been born into that group or there is a familiarity and a comfort.

If this is the case, then it means that family – something that should be only about love – can become something that is not loving and can actually be harming and abusive. And abuse here is anything less than the deep love we know within our heart, the grandness we are all from. But what makes us accept these tendrils of untruth? What part do we each play in this?

We do know from deep within our body, from the things that hurt us, that certain behaviours, patterns and so on do not belong with who we truly are. Through accepting what does not feel true, not changing, not speaking up and expressing, not living our fullness, we continue our part in the ill way, keeping ourselves and those around us – those we say we love – less than the greatness we all truly are.

Let’s come from a different angle. What if we only defined family by quality, a knowing of a true quality, which then guided us to consider behaviours and ways of being, saying, Yes, that belongs” or No, that does not belong”?  Our inner marker would then be our guide, no matter whether someone was biologically related to us, if they were a long-term friend or if they were just someone quite new in our lives.

This quality would support us to be with ourselves and others in a way that comes from true decency and respect. It would not allow us to be or accept anything less than this. From this place of our inner-knowing, we would be able to clearly see patterns and behaviours that are not part of our inner essence and yet still continue to hold everyone in love, knowing we are all equal within our hearts and essence.  

It starts with our living a quality that we feel to be true, honouring and cherishing of ourselves. This lived quality then feeds us back, leaving us unimposing, not putting conditions or expectations on others to supply us with a love we want but are not giving ourselves first.

Love needs not, it just is – an emanation of purity, joy, stillness and harmony. Wow… now that’s a marker to live from!

If we want love in our lives, we must claim it and this claiming starts with self. Love starts with knowing our inner-most and its quality – then letting that be our gauge for how we treat ourselves, how we are with others, how we move and walk through life in all that we do… And from here, our love deep within becomes our marker of what true family means.

I have found that this true quality of Love in our lives can become our marker of family… breaking down the false consciousness of family being limited to blood relatives.

With our willingness to embrace our love from within, we can be guided by our inner knowing and connection. From here it is easy to see, feel and know that anyone can be family.

Defining Family and Love by quality is a life-changer on a global scale.

By Johanna Smith, Bachelor of Education (Major Special Needs, Minor Psychology), Graduate Certificate of Early Childhood, Studying Diploma of Counseling, Esoteric Complementary Health Practitioner, Woman, Teacher, Mother, Wife and Friend

Further Reading:
True Family
Family Love
A true family model for the 21st century

633 thoughts on “Family Defined by Quality

  1. This is very beautiful to read Johanna and it changes the whole paradigm about what a family is about. Is it about compromising what we really feel in order to respond to other’s expectations and demands or is it about love? If it’s about love why we do allow less than we know is true for us?

    Having conversations about this topic feels very freeing. By establishing a loving relationship with ourselves we become aware of how we have been relating with others and from a place of honesty we can see and feel if the movements and choices we made are loving or not.

    Love starts within ourselves and it creates space for making new choices that actually support us to just be in the fullness of who we really are. Then this is the most precious thing we can share with others.

  2. It seems to me we are like Hamsters on a wheel, we keep going round and round never stopping to check in with ourselves to see if it is actually necessary to keep going round in circles, we just keep perpetrating the same age old patterns of life.

  3. Johanna what we are not told is that family is a consciousness and it comes laced with ideals and beliefs that we hand down generation after generation without ever checking in to see if the values that we hold so dear are actually working. How can they be working if we allow and accept such abusive behaviour within families?

  4. “What if we only defined family by quality, a knowing of a true quality”, well the problem with that is that most of us are so detached from our true quality that we wouldn’t know it in order to measure things by, and secondly if we did know it enough to use it as a marker then initially at least, there would be absolutely millions of us who would have no one left in our lives and that’s a sad but none the less true fact.

  5. “But what makes us accept these tendrils of untruth?”, if only they were just ‘tendrils’ but they’re not, they’re whopping great sledge hammers of the stuff and they’re everywhere, in fact they’re as far as the eye can see in each and every direction. Untruth is what makes up our world, without it the world as we know it would collapse.

  6. We do know that we are not living who we truly, we do know we are not living in our fullness. Instead we have accepted a life of living under the radar so that we do not stand out and reflect to each other that there is another more simple way to live. We have sold out to a consciousness that we allow to run our bodies rather than live in the flow of the universe which is our birth right.

  7. The value of non-imposing love is supper important as it makes the way for so much more equality as we all then learn from a True reflection and thus can expand our awareness and evolution from the Truth that Love actually brings.

  8. It is ironic that it is seen those apparently closest to us can be treated badly because they are ‘close’ to us. This should never be the case. As well as quality I would like to bring in respect for if we respect another whether they are in immediate family or not (a complete stranger) then this also raises the bar in how we treat others and what is acceptable and what is not.

    1. Absolutely Vicky if we cannot start in our own back yard then how could we expect to treat others with any difference even if it is just an undercurrent it still has an adverse affect.

  9. This confirms that I have true family – unrelated all over the world.

    When we feel the love and honour that vibration we can not deny we are all one.

  10. “We can often come to tolerate or accept behaviours and ways of being from family members that we would deem unacceptable from strangers, let alone justify”. This is what I have been seeing in myself recently, realising that sometimes I engage in behaviour that is acceptable with someone familiar yet it’s not truly from the essence of love within me. It’s uncomfortable to realise but it would be much worse to continue this way and dishonour the truth within me.

    1. I so appreciate your honesty Melinda, as it supports all of us to look at how we behave with ourselves and all others. When we hold ourselves with the same love that we are held in then the world will change.

  11. I attended a wedding recently and got to feel the difference between family by quality and family by blood whereby quality is not the focus. The latter feels like group collusion whereas family by quality feels like a union of many.

  12. ‘Defining Family and Love by quality is a life-changer on a global scale.’ Yes. And by doing this we start to establish standards in all our relationships that we do not drop below.

  13. It is so true, so many times I have witnessed the acceptance of a behaviour from within the family that would not be accepted outside and we have to ask ourselves why this is? Looking at it logically, if there was ever to be abuse in our lives (which there should never be) I would have expected it to be outside and inside would be a place of acceptance and love. So it is well worth taking a moment to ask ourselves what we are accepting…

  14. It is funny (or rather not so funny) that the very place where we should feel safe, respected, loved and be a foundation for all other relationship can actually be the complete opposite and one of abuse or ill things we tolerate ‘We can often come to tolerate or accept behaviours and ways of being from family members that we would deem unacceptable from strangers, let alone justify. Yet we tend to let these slip through for ‘family,’ simply because we have been born into that group or there is a familiarity and a comfort.’ To me, this then shows it is paramount to first have this solid and strong foundation within ourselves of self-worth and deep valuing so we do not tolerate or accept any behaviour that is not, or is less than love including the family we are born into. In my life and many others Universal Medicine is such a place that reflects, steadies and leads the way with such a foundation which oh my goodness is so vitally needed in the world today.

  15. ‘Defining family and love by quality is a life changer on a global scale. ‘ I so agree Johanna. These days quality defines everything. For me it used to be all about quantity, how much I could fit into a day. No more. Quality it is.

  16. “Love starts with knowing our inner-most and its quality – then letting that be our gauge for how we treat ourselves, how we are with others, how we move and walk through life in all that we do… And from here, our love deep within becomes our marker of what true family means.” We could also go so far as to say that the quality of love is a marker for true relationship, not just family. The quality we feel is the only way to get to and live the truth of love because the mind is full of ideas about what family and love is, many of which are not love at all.

  17. There is not always togetherness in families, in fact there are many that are disjointed. Maybe we need to take the word family out and replace it with relationship and look at all of our relationships across the board including the one with ourselves!

    1. That would be smart because the word family segregates the relationships with whom we are connected by blood and those we are simply connected to, when they are all relationships.

  18. “family – something that should be only about love – can become something that is not loving and can actually be harming and abusive.” The fact that women die everyday from domestic abuse alone shows us the degree of trouble we are in with family. It’s time to re-evaluate family.

    1. Yes, the most abuse – and often hidden from others – can occur in families. Anything that isn’t love is abuse. Realising this was a new marker for me.

    2. If love is an emanation, which it is and if love has absolutely nothing to do with the specific people in our lives, then even those of us that consider ourselves to be incredibly loving can be devoid of true love. What’s been very telling for me has been to be honest about how I ‘pick and choose’ those that I say that I love, which is indicative of the fact that it’s not love. I have recently felt the first familiar notes of true love, characterised by the fact that it hasn’t been at all directional but much more of an emanating vibration, a way of living that we’re all returning to.

  19. ‘What if we only defined family by quality, a knowing of a true quality…’ this would then include everyone and not just a select few which keeps us separated with everyone.

  20. To make family about true love and quality, I feel we need to know this first within ourselves. In all honesty I would not know this as clear and well as I do now without the reflection of the Benhayon family. In their constant livingness of integrity, love, care and deep respect for one another, I now know that this can be lived and how I can live this, and in turn have seen all my relationships change for the better because of this.

  21. Decency and respect definitely help us form the foundations of quality in our relationships – for without them disorder and mayhem will reign.

  22. If we do not choose to live our lives with a “true quality of Love”, we will find that the relationships we have with others do not contain this quality either. Living a life where we are committed to living in the truest way possible, naturally then ripples out to all those around us, no matter the length, the depth or the closeness of our relationship.

  23. Once we react we are out of love and any thought we might have thereafter is liable to be from a place that supports no one. Reconnecting to love through our movements – for and with ourselves can reconnect us again.

  24. To know true family, means coming back deep within to know who we truly are in essence, and there the whole is revealed to a one to know the One.

  25. If family was about ‘togetherness’ then how is it that domestic violence/abuse of all sorts can occur with in the family network? It is a sad state of affairs. I’ve been pondering on this for some time now. It’s in the news, hospitals and it’s even silently occurring.

    I’m discovering family is not just about blood relations, it’s about everyone around us. Love does not distinguish, it is equal for all and to all.

    1. What a great comment Sushila, where you astutely ask the question about why domestic violence occurs in families, a place that most regard as sacrosanct. It is as if we think that we can behave exactly as we want, for as far as we are concerned, if we are family we are expected to put up with any sort of behaviour, behaviour if we inflicted on our friends would have them making a very quick exit from our lives. So much to ponder on as far as what family truly is.

  26. We are able to redefine family once we choose to live the true meaning of family but at the moment on a world-wide scale, many of us are living the false version of family which is filled with abuse. We witness a world-wide scale of abuse because of what is being played out in our own homes, so the responsibility to live in true family comes back to us individually.

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