True Relationship with Self

From the time I was a young boy, I knew my gentle and caring nature. I was also drawn to the beauty and divinity, and could really feel the beautiful essence, of women. I loved the deeply nurturing aspects of women and found that I could connect easily with them and started to develop relationships that were based on a foundation of just being together, without need or imposition. Women felt at ease around me too, and I with them. At school, I often opted to spend time playing with the girls in recess breaks at school, over the rough games that were being played by the boys.

Just as I was entering into being a teenager, things started to change. At home the tension was building between my parents, leading to them separating. At the time, I felt devastated. Yes, there was the anger and hurt around my parents separating, but also I had forgotten the beautiful connection that I had with myself. I started desperately seeking connection outside myself to try to fill this huge void I was feeling inside. I soon discovered there were many ways I could do this – from alcohol and drugs, to food and sex. The way I was using these substances was purely abusive; they were my band-aids to keep everything together to be able to function with some normality in life. They offered a numbing effect for me to forget the pain, but only for so long.

I also found comfort in being with women now as it offered a distraction from what I would otherwise have to feel. These relationships became ones based on a need from where I would want to connect with women to find that nurturing essence I felt was missing in my life. These relationships never felt satisfying for me, yet there was always a yearning to be in a relationship when I wasn’t in one; and when I was in one, I always thought it wasn’t the right one, and so would be constantly on the lookout for something I perceived as being better. I thought it would be the one thing, to find the perfect relationship that would fix everything I was feeling.

This deep dissatisfaction went on for many years and I always felt I was in a cycle of seeking fulfilment in relationships but never finding it.

Years later, after repeating this cycle many times and faced now with a marriage divorce of my own to deal with, realising that the vices I had used to patch things up were no longer working, I felt the opportunity to really have a good look at what was going on here. This was a crossroads, as I knew I couldn’t go back to the ways of the past as that had just created a misery time and time again. But where to now?

At this time I met Serge Benhayon and the practitioners from Universal Medicine. What was presented here was the possibility that I could re-develop a loving relationship with myself; that by listening and by being truly with me, this relationship with myself could be the foundation for the way I live and love.

This in the beginning was something that felt foreign to me as it had been some time since I had felt this connection, but at the same time, I had an inkling of something deep down that felt familiar. For so long I had not taken care of myself, even to the level of neglecting basic self-care. I started with small things such as the way I made my bed and how I got dressed in the morning. By starting to feel everything I was doing, I began to really feel me again. Even though I hadn’t felt this way for a long time, it started to feel familiar again. I started to feel that I was building a relationship with myself that was true. There weren’t the highs and lows of other relationships I had been in, but a more constant connection, as long as I chose to be open and make the choice to be present in this relationship with myself. From the subtle beginnings of feeling and making the smaller choices in my life, I found I was inspired to build on and to expand them into other areas of my life.

I now feel the loving commitment of the ever-developing relationship with myself… not perfect, sometimes a little wobbly as I let go of old patterns and behaviours, but a lot more honest than it’s ever been. This re-connection – a returning to my true essence – has multiple effects, one being that other relationships, such as in intimate relationships, relationships with friends, workmates and the wider community are also changing. I’m feeling more engaged in the world, being able to bring so much more of me to relationships with everyone I meet and in all I do. I feel that with the depth of intimacy lived with myself in my own life, I feel more equipped to not just cope with life, but to be able to live with joy and harmony and take these lived qualities of true relationship with me in all I do.

By Chris Vale, Bunbury, Western Australia

Further Reading:
Discovering true relationship
Building true relationships
What is a Relationship with Myself?

540 thoughts on “True Relationship with Self

    1. Yes Zofia, very well said. As from this relationship we connect too with our inner essence, the divine essence and shall one day be lived again by all – true life and living.

  1. The level of intimacy we can bring into relationships will be always equal to the intimacy of the inner relationship with ourselves that is at the base of all of our outer relationships.

  2. The understanding you bring to yourself in this article Chris is inspiring. There is no aberration or self-critique, but the tenderness of you observing what you chose and why. It is this tender holding of ourselves that enables the true healing to take place.

  3. I also was a little surprised and confused once I attended the presentations by Serge Benhayon, only in the fact that why I had not been told this before, that we have a choice in how we are going to live and that if we develop our relationship with ourselves and connect with our Soul, life can be extremely different to they way I had been living. At the same time it all made complete sense and I had been looking for this, but everything that I had come across just didn’t make sense or feel right. Today I know my Soul and keep choosing to deepen my connection with it.

  4. Chris, this seems like such a common story; ‘I had forgotten the beautiful connection that I had with myself. I started desperately seeking connection outside myself to try to fill this huge void I was feeling inside’, it feels to me, that as a society we have got something very wrong when it is the ‘norm’ for us to have this dissatisfaction with ourselves, and for us to not grow up with the gorgeous connection with ourselves that we felt as children.

  5. Men can seek relationships from women for various reasons such as to get relief, distraction or wanting certain needs to be fullfilled, such as what Chris revealed earlier in his blog about wanting to “connect with women to find that nurturing essence I felt was missing in my life.” And women too seek relationships with men to distract themselves in various ways too, to get their needs filled such as wanting someone else to make the decisions, seeking a father figure, seeing the ‘strength’ of a man with their wide shoulders etc etc. In none of these cases does it lead to a true relationship based on harmony and love with two equals bringing their all. What if what Chris is presenting here stands true in terms of first building that true and harmonious relationship with self before it can be brought to another and hence shared as a relationship in equalness?

  6. Yes, I have seen with so many of my clients that when something major happened in their young lives they can identify a point where they shut down, as they were not supported to process their feelings and stay true to themselves. It is super important that we give each other the chance to express what is going on and support one another through challenging times.

    1. Yes Janet, the sweeping it under the carpet can be most detrimental to children and all of us. We are sold that this is the best thing, believing that if everyone gets on with their life this means dealing with it, but as you’ve seen with clients, the most truly supportive and loving action is to listen and allow someone the space to express how they are really feeling.

  7. I found comfort being with men, they were a huge distraction to not look at what was lacking in my own life. There was a recipe of drama, stimulation, issues, lows, highs etc, always the false feeling of getting somewhere and love or enlightenment. This was not really the case, I was shielding my hurts and treading water. Self-Love, and you will know true relationships, this is what I am learning.

  8. It is an enormous gift to understand and know that everything comes back to how we are with ourself and thus the power we have in determining our own life – our well-being or not.

  9. I am sure that a large majority of us also get to the point where we end up “realising that the vices I had used to patch things up were no longer working” and we ask, seek and look for another way. There is after all only so long that we can go on kidding ourselves. The problem is often then, what do we do next? What happens next is we are often met with options that claim to have the answer but don’t, perhaps we try a few or we give up. In any case what I found was it was only the teachings of the ageless wisdom that meant I felt complete in myself and the relationship with myself could be re-ignited.

  10. I’ve heard a lot of stories from people who were devastated when their parents divorced, and the pain and sadness is palpable. I wonder though, if the real devastation is from having pictures of how two people should stay together and how a family is ‘meant’ to look, and that contributes to the despair. The constant fighting and arguing in many relationships affect children and themselves more than they realise and the most loving thing is to separate. But most of us don’t talk like this or have been talked with like this and so we see it as wrong and terrible. This then affects all our relationships and we don’t ever want to feel hurt like that again, so we put up with behaviours that we naturally wouldn’t because if we did say no that could inevitably end in divorce or an end of a friendship. There is a lot more going on and being communicated in movements and actions then we realise.

  11. This … “This deep dissatisfaction went on for many years and I always felt I was in a cycle of seeking fulfilment in relationships but never finding it” is exactly how I feel in this moment of my life. The blog I wrote discusses the relationship I’ve had with a guy for four years, and how I didn’t want him, I felt like I needed him. Wonderful post.

  12. Chris, this is very beautiful to read; ‘From the time I was a young boy, I knew my gentle and caring nature’, if we still felt these qualities as adults then society would not be in the mess that it is today, appreciating these qualities in ourselves and others feels really important instead of championing mental intelligence and being strong and driven.

  13. I can relate to that feeling of “if I only had this, then“, being caught in the endless cycle of searching for happiness though deep down knowing that it was not it. And how beautiful to find then that true contentment lies in the inward journey of the relationship with oneself.

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