True Relationship with Self

From the time I was a young boy, I knew my gentle and caring nature. I was also drawn to the beauty and divinity, and could really feel the beautiful essence, of women. I loved the deeply nurturing aspects of women and found that I could connect easily with them and started to develop relationships that were based on a foundation of just being together, without need or imposition. Women felt at ease around me too, and I with them. At school, I often opted to spend time playing with the girls in recess breaks at school, over the rough games that were being played by the boys.

Just as I was entering into being a teenager, things started to change. At home the tension was building between my parents, leading to them separating. At the time, I felt devastated. Yes, there was the anger and hurt around my parents separating, but also I had forgotten the beautiful connection that I had with myself. I started desperately seeking connection outside myself to try to fill this huge void I was feeling inside. I soon discovered there were many ways I could do this – from alcohol and drugs, to food and sex. The way I was using these substances was purely abusive; they were my band-aids to keep everything together to be able to function with some normality in life. They offered a numbing effect for me to forget the pain, but only for so long.

I also found comfort in being with women now as it offered a distraction from what I would otherwise have to feel. These relationships became ones based on a need from where I would want to connect with women to find that nurturing essence I felt was missing in my life. These relationships never felt satisfying for me, yet there was always a yearning to be in a relationship when I wasn’t in one; and when I was in one, I always thought it wasn’t the right one, and so would be constantly on the lookout for something I perceived as being better. I thought it would be the one thing, to find the perfect relationship that would fix everything I was feeling.

This deep dissatisfaction went on for many years and I always felt I was in a cycle of seeking fulfilment in relationships but never finding it.

Years later, after repeating this cycle many times and faced now with a marriage divorce of my own to deal with, realising that the vices I had used to patch things up were no longer working, I felt the opportunity to really have a good look at what was going on here. This was a crossroads, as I knew I couldn’t go back to the ways of the past as that had just created a misery time and time again. But where to now?

At this time I met Serge Benhayon and the practitioners from Universal Medicine. What was presented here was the possibility that I could re-develop a loving relationship with myself; that by listening and by being truly with me, this relationship with myself could be the foundation for the way I live and love.

This in the beginning was something that felt foreign to me as it had been some time since I had felt this connection, but at the same time, I had an inkling of something deep down that felt familiar. For so long I had not taken care of myself, even to the level of neglecting basic self-care. I started with small things such as the way I made my bed and how I got dressed in the morning. By starting to feel everything I was doing, I began to really feel me again. Even though I hadn’t felt this way for a long time, it started to feel familiar again. I started to feel that I was building a relationship with myself that was true. There weren’t the highs and lows of other relationships I had been in, but a more constant connection, as long as I chose to be open and make the choice to be present in this relationship with myself. From the subtle beginnings of feeling and making the smaller choices in my life, I found I was inspired to build on and to expand them into other areas of my life.

I now feel the loving commitment of the ever-developing relationship with myself… not perfect, sometimes a little wobbly as I let go of old patterns and behaviours, but a lot more honest than it’s ever been. This re-connection – a returning to my true essence – has multiple effects, one being that other relationships, such as in intimate relationships, relationships with friends, workmates and the wider community are also changing. I’m feeling more engaged in the world, being able to bring so much more of me to relationships with everyone I meet and in all I do. I feel that with the depth of intimacy lived with myself in my own life, I feel more equipped to not just cope with life, but to be able to live with joy and harmony and take these lived qualities of true relationship with me in all I do.

By Chris Vale, Bunbury, Western Australia

Further Reading:
Discovering true relationship
Building true relationships
What is a Relationship with Myself?

664 thoughts on “True Relationship with Self

  1. Building a deep and nurturing relationship with ourselves establishes a true foundation and quality to the care and tenderness we are able to openly express with others.

  2. I remember when breaking up with a partner once, they said to me ‘who is going to take such care of me now?’ I was reminded of this reading your blog today and it shows how much we out-source our well-being to other people. And if we are all really honest, we all do it in many ways. Out-source our self-worth (do you like this, do you think I am OK, did I do a good job on this ….), our health (someone else can make me fitter, skinnier, fatter….), our taking care of ourselves (cooking meals, reminders to go to the G.P.s….) the list and the examples can go on and on. And yes we are natural carers, especially women in their nurturing essence), and it is lovely to care for another, but ultimately we need to bring this to ourselves first, and then come from there. Not from a deficit and asking other people to fix it for you.

  3. The greater our love for us, the simpler life tends to be. For we’ll find that all the difficulties that arose were truly a reflection of our relationship with ourselves.

  4. When we’re seeking something from another, to fill us up or make us feel whole or complete it can’t work as in truth that sense of completeness is something to reconnect within ourselves first and then share with others…

  5. Children just know what is going on don’t they? We just need to honour their knowing and then we would not have adults who do not know who they truly are because it is so buried inside them.

  6. As long as we are not deeply connected with ourselves and hence very content, we will not be able to have the intimacy we seek to have with others. We don´t find self in others, they cannot give it to us or substitute it, but definitely they give us reflection and opportunity to come to the true you that we are.

  7. We need to develop to deepen intimacy with our own selves, to be able to love humanity and know that without the closeness and fieriness of such intimacy, there can be no cohesion between us as a race.

  8. We need to have a true relationship with self before self is no longer in the way of being the true self.

    1. Love how you say that, thank you, and I find our relationship with self and what we realise as our true self is something we can eternally deepen.

  9. As adults, we rarely consider the children when we are in the midsts of warring with our partner and things can get very ugly. We often read how children are affected by the divorce of their parents and how they struggle to cope with it but what we don’t speak about is how the hate and discontent with the parents does not stop at separation – often it continues for years.

  10. ” By starting to feel everything I was doing, I began to really feel me again…” This is key – a starting place of where to begin with taking care of ourselves, as this builds awareness and connection with our body, so that gradually and eventually, you are not simply on ‘auto-pilot’ – listening and following whatever is fed to you in our surroundings, doing things blindly – but are far more awake and aware to choose consciously, with regard of ourselves and with self love.

  11. “Yes, there was the anger and hurt around my parents separating, but also I had forgotten the beautiful connection that I had with myself….” This shows how our emotional hurts separate or disconnect one from our innermost connection – and how important it is, at some point in our life to address our child hurts, or adult hurts, otherwise we carry them around unresolved during our adult life, seemingly looking ‘ok’ but have a knowing that something is missing… hence the look outward, the pursuit, the search for something to make our life feel complete, when what is missing was the step, the turn inward, the return to the love that is right under our nose – literally.

  12. We must know that there is something greater to us than we have been willing to see.. And that by not seeing that it is deliberately set up all to be less and complex. Thats why bringing back simplicity in life is the key to newness and evolution.
    So what are we made of truly? What is there to be found? That we already know?

  13. ‘By listening and by being truly with me, this relationship with myself could be the foundation for the way I live and love.’ I realised as I read your blog that there is much to appreciate about how I do care for myself, in the small and the big things. What’s missing is the full extent of appreciation for this, which is the key in building foundations.

  14. When we are pre-school and maybe the first year at school or so we don’t seem to mind if we play with boys or girls which is great, but then something happens and we are sort of guided by some unspoken rule that boys must play and hang out with the boys and girls must do the same with the girls and if you don’t it is, or was when I was a kid kind of frowned upon and if you played with the girls you were called a sissy. It all seems like a bit of a set up, maybe if this segregation didn’t take place the boys could stay more connected and tender and the girls would be less mean to each other.

  15. ‘By starting to feel everything I was doing, I began to really feel me again’ … those little details are everything and as we take care of them we notice more and rather than being something to fret over in any quest for perfection it is instead another layer as we deepen in our relationship with us.

  16. In every relationship, getting to know the other person – what they stand for, their goals, strengths, flaws et al, loving them, communicating with them, etc is essential. The first person we should have this relationship with is ourselves

  17. A relationship with myself is what i used to avoid like the plague, years ago I didn’t want to know. Now here I am seeking to build a very real, stronger and deeper relationship with myself, one where I let go of all the ‘should’s’ ‘but’s’ and ‘maybe’s’ and appreciate where I am and what choices I have made.

  18. If we are disconnected to ourselves we cannot connect to another and so it makes absolute sense that the quality of relationship we have with ourselves is the quality of relationship we will have with all others. There is no better reason to love ourselves to bits.

  19. Why do we not warn and support each other to maintain that gentle, caring and delicate nature we all had when we were young, but instead allow everyone to go through the same trajectory of separation. The separation of the delicateness and innocence we all regret so much to have lost when we are an adult.

  20. The point is as we are not in relationship with ourselves first, how then would we be able to have a relationship with others. It is just not possible as this missing connection with ourselves should the foundation of any external relationship to build on. So without foundation there is nothing to build that will last.

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