True Relationship with Self

From the time I was a young boy, I knew my gentle and caring nature. I was also drawn to the beauty and divinity, and could really feel the beautiful essence, of women. I loved the deeply nurturing aspects of women and found that I could connect easily with them and started to develop relationships that were based on a foundation of just being together, without need or imposition. Women felt at ease around me too, and I with them. At school, I often opted to spend time playing with the girls in recess breaks at school, over the rough games that were being played by the boys.

Just as I was entering into being a teenager, things started to change. At home the tension was building between my parents, leading to them separating. At the time, I felt devastated. Yes, there was the anger and hurt around my parents separating, but also I had forgotten the beautiful connection that I had with myself. I started desperately seeking connection outside myself to try to fill this huge void I was feeling inside. I soon discovered there were many ways I could do this – from alcohol and drugs, to food and sex. The way I was using these substances was purely abusive; they were my band-aids to keep everything together to be able to function with some normality in life. They offered a numbing effect for me to forget the pain, but only for so long.

I also found comfort in being with women now as it offered a distraction from what I would otherwise have to feel. These relationships became ones based on a need from where I would want to connect with women to find that nurturing essence I felt was missing in my life. These relationships never felt satisfying for me, yet there was always a yearning to be in a relationship when I wasn’t in one; and when I was in one, I always thought it wasn’t the right one, and so would be constantly on the lookout for something I perceived as being better. I thought it would be the one thing, to find the perfect relationship that would fix everything I was feeling.

This deep dissatisfaction went on for many years and I always felt I was in a cycle of seeking fulfilment in relationships but never finding it.

Years later, after repeating this cycle many times and faced now with a marriage divorce of my own to deal with, realising that the vices I had used to patch things up were no longer working, I felt the opportunity to really have a good look at what was going on here. This was a crossroads, as I knew I couldn’t go back to the ways of the past as that had just created a misery time and time again. But where to now?

At this time I met Serge Benhayon and the practitioners from Universal Medicine. What was presented here was the possibility that I could re-develop a loving relationship with myself; that by listening and by being truly with me, this relationship with myself could be the foundation for the way I live and love.

This in the beginning was something that felt foreign to me as it had been some time since I had felt this connection, but at the same time, I had an inkling of something deep down that felt familiar. For so long I had not taken care of myself, even to the level of neglecting basic self-care. I started with small things such as the way I made my bed and how I got dressed in the morning. By starting to feel everything I was doing, I began to really feel me again. Even though I hadn’t felt this way for a long time, it started to feel familiar again. I started to feel that I was building a relationship with myself that was true. There weren’t the highs and lows of other relationships I had been in, but a more constant connection, as long as I chose to be open and make the choice to be present in this relationship with myself. From the subtle beginnings of feeling and making the smaller choices in my life, I found I was inspired to build on and to expand them into other areas of my life.

I now feel the loving commitment of the ever-developing relationship with myself… not perfect, sometimes a little wobbly as I let go of old patterns and behaviours, but a lot more honest than it’s ever been. This re-connection – a returning to my true essence – has multiple effects, one being that other relationships, such as in intimate relationships, relationships with friends, workmates and the wider community are also changing. I’m feeling more engaged in the world, being able to bring so much more of me to relationships with everyone I meet and in all I do. I feel that with the depth of intimacy lived with myself in my own life, I feel more equipped to not just cope with life, but to be able to live with joy and harmony and take these lived qualities of true relationship with me in all I do.

By Chris Vale, Bunbury, Western Australia

Further Reading:
Discovering true relationship
Building true relationships
What is a Relationship with Myself?

756 thoughts on “True Relationship with Self

  1. It is a win win situation when we truly cherish and love ourselves more of course we will bring this to all our other relationships and have more of a commitment in life ✨

  2. ‘I soon discovered there were many ways I could do this – from alcohol and drugs, to food and sex.’ It’s crazy what we do in order not to feel. From experience we make the actual thought or experience far worse than it really is because when we are finally willing to go there and feel it, we realise that it is not bigger than us but actually our love is bigger than it.

  3. “I now feel the loving commitment of the ever-developing relationship with myself… not perfect, sometimes a little wobbly as I let go of old patterns and behaviours, but a lot more honest than it’s ever been.” This is gold, not just for you, but for us all as we read about the steps you have taken. So we see that we can make similar steps in our own lives.

  4. Chris thanks for being so honest about your life
    “I had forgotten the beautiful connection that I had with myself. I started desperately seeking connection outside myself to try to fill this huge void I was feeling inside. I soon discovered there were many ways I could do this – from alcohol and drugs, to food and sex. The way I was using these substances was purely abusive; they were my band-aids to keep everything together to be able to function with some normality in life. They offered a numbing effect for me to forget the pain, but only for so long.”
    When we lose the connection with ourselves we do the most silly, crazy things just as you have written. I wonder why we don’t just stop and reconnect back again. We can be out for life times before we make the stop and reconnect, was it worth all the heart ache and stress? no not at all, there’s just more of the illusion we fall into to unpick.

    1. When there are more and more people in the world who have a loving foundation and deep connection with themselves it will be far easier for others to choose this instead of seeking connection outside of themselves or not wanting to feel the void/pain within themselves that has been created (I know that one from past experience) because there will be more people in the world reflecting to others a different and true way so it will be easier for others to choose this instead ✨ #tidesareturningbacktolove

  5. ‘I thought it would be the one thing, to find the perfect relationship that would fix everything I was feeling.’ Isn’t this the thing that we are all taught from young that will bring deep contentment and fulfilment with all our fairy stories and happily ever afters? It explains, in part why we are so discontent in our relationships as the idealised picture can never be realised… and the rest is that truly, until we find contentment in ourselves we will never find contentment with another.

    1. So true, we are taught this from young through all the Disney movies, someone will come to complete you. Yet we are then forever searching and never truly content in ourselves.

      1. It’s a set up isn’t it? We innocently share these stories to our kids without realising what ideals we are setting them up for. If we don’t have a picture we can be real with what is in front of us.

  6. Crossroads always offer us alternatives – we can make the choice to stay marking time where we are, we can revert to old patterns or, we can be open to new beginnings. The choice is ours.

  7. What I can feel now is how it feels like I have just been giving lip-service to this loving-myself and deepening-the-relationship-with-myself thing, that there’s a whole other level awaiting, that this is a constant, on-going unfoldment, and I don’t even have to go anywhere for that, but just be here.

    1. ‘I don’t even have to go anywhere for that, but just be here.’ I love this Fumiyo as I can feel that I am being called to go deeper in my relationship with self, but there is some resistance. What you are sharing is so beautiful in its simplicity. Just be here. Gorgeous.

  8. As I read this blog again, I found another piece of gem relevant to where I am in my life, ‘nurturing essence I felt was missing in my life’ and ‘I started to feel that I was building a relationship with myself that was true’. Both of these statements are ringing to my body, as reflections of where I am with my own livingness and how I am treating my body in and with life.

    There is much to ponder here, nurturing begins with you first, just like the way they say on a flight, that if oxygen is needed, put yours on first before helping another.
    Have I truely built a relationship with myself first or for others first? I feel the latter is more the case for me and I am sure for many others too. It’s time to change things now.

  9. It’s tough to navigate our way through the teenage years and each generation seems to have it worse than the last in some respects. The problem lies with us not having that connection to ourselves and knowing who we are, as often we look outside of how others are coping or not in a lot of cases and then judge our way through life from there.

    1. I agree having this foundation right at the beginning of our lives and beyond our teenage years of self-worth, self-esteem and self-love is really important. As the saying goes it takes a community to raise a child so we all have a responsibility in supporting our younger generation to be all that they truly are.

  10. The more we deepen the relationship with ourselves the more palpable the feeling and knowing of love in our bodies and in our energetic field.

  11. It’s amazing what we can learn from each other’s experiences. I can relate to this line about relationships “I thought it would be the one thing, to find the perfect relationship that would fix everything I was feeling.” This idea of “The One” right person that delivers everything missing in life is sold very pervasively worldwide. We have stepped so far away from the truth about love, we literally sit on a mountain of love within ourselves but can search our whole lives for that from someone else.

  12. “This deep dissatisfaction went on for many years and I always felt I was in a cycle of seeking fulfilment in relationships but never finding it.” I relate to this so much, its like my entire life was chasing something that was missing. I thought it was in the opposite person i.e. a women but actually, it was the connection to me that was missing.

  13. When I was young, I too felt more comfortable with girls than with boys because of the rough and competitive games they played. But in my teenage years, I got the same experience with the teenage girls too. There were games played out that actually did not match my tender loving nature, which I was challenged with to let go to survive in this, as I can describe it now, hostile environment.

  14. We cannot have true relationships with others if we do not have an intimate relationship with ourselves and our inner-most first.

  15. I love the depth of your honesty Chris it is so empowering. And the beauty of what you have shared is that we all can take the same loving steps towards developing a True Relationship with Ourselves.

  16. This was great timing to read this blog. That we can re-develop a loving relationship with ourselves, and all it takes is by listening to being with you, and that the relationship with ourselves is all it takes. Work within, then the outside doesn’t matter or can take care of itself too.

    1. So true Shushila, something I’ve been realising more and more lately, to not get caught up in the whats happening outside, but to keep the inner connection deepening and the rest works itself out.

  17. It is very beautfiul to read your blog Chris as it is so rare for a man particularly to be so open and honest about his innate tenderness and sensitivity. Thank you for your sharing, as it is this willingness that offers others the opportunity to appreciate these innate qualities about themselves.

  18. Lovely sharing Chris. I also deeply appreciate the beautiful connection I am developing with myself. A connection that is beautiful but also very sensitive. It makes me having to face every kind of self-abuse.

  19. This really does highlight the responsiblity we have as parents of our children, to honour and respect that our children feel everything that’s going on around them. To lose our own connection with ourselves has a knock on effect that is far reaching, and can have life changing consequences for those around us.

  20. “True Relationship with Self” – when I began this path for myself I began (and continue today) to see life entirely differently.. and where I found the greatest love – the love within to propel the love outwardly.

    1. “and where I found the greatest love – the love within to propel the love outwardly” the love that naturally is lived. As no abuse, which is living from not love, can be lived anymore.

  21. We’ve been sold a lie and with whole industries built on supporting the lie of romantic love it is not surprising so many of us have been seeking another to love us. When the only true and first love is the relationship with have with ourselves. This understanding supports us to not feel lonely or less and constantly be in search of another. Thank you Serge Benhayon for presenting the truth that “We are already everything”

  22. I often observe children and young people at their most tender and delicate yet unaware how beautiful they are and because of this (and to fit in) begin to be enticed away from their true essence and lose connection with the most precious part of themselves. At every stage of life it’s important to appreciate where we are.

  23. When we live the love that we are, we infuse such love back into the life we are living and give up the futile quest of waiting for this love to arrive from elsewhere.

  24. I find that my relationship with myself has to deepen all the time, because if I don’t then not only am I shallow with myself but with everyone else as well.

  25. “I now feel the loving commitment of the ever-developing relationship with myself… not perfect, sometimes a little wobbly as I let go of old patterns and behaviours, but a lot more honest than it’s ever been.” This is the secret if there is one to all relationships if we don’t have a loving relationship with ourselves and be more honest about how we feel then we never truly change anything and this lack of love in ourselves affects our relationship with everyone else.

    1. Yes Alison, a deeply held secret or deliberate lie and lucrative sell of the romantic love industry. Loving relationships with others is conditional on one thing, deepening the love we have with ourselves.

  26. The outside world promises so much but delivers so little (if anything of any value actually), and the inside world (our connection to ourselves) lies there patiently with no marketing or rah rah, waiting for us to return (sends us messages from time to time as a reminder that it is there), and delivers the universe. It is our job to turn from the so-called seduction of the outside world and turn to our connection to our inner-heart, our selves if we so choose.

    1. Sarah thank you for your comment, you sliced and diced 🙂 the whole issue when you said that our inside world “delivers the universe”. The magnitude of that truth certainly makes what’s outside of ourselves pale in comparison!

  27. Such a beautiful blog, and surely a crossroads all men must face. Are they ready to cherish themselves, and claim their place in life? Or continue to hide and resentfully blame others behind their back? It’s a choice I face now and certainly going deeper with loving myself is the route I intend to take.

  28. I was talking with a friend around how we can ‘lose teenagers’ for a while and this gives us great insight into what happens during those years.

  29. A beautiful account Chris of your re-connection back to you. When we build a true relationship with ourselves first what we can then offer all our relationships is quite magical and expansive.

  30. True relationship with self – is not that an ever deepening, an endless discovery that if it’s not love then it’s not a part of who we are? It is for me. And I say thank God for Serge Benhayon who supported me to see the truth of this. Thank you Serge for letting the light flow through you like an ocean for us all to swim in – without getting wet❤️

  31. “From the time I was a young boy, I knew my gentle and caring nature” the same here, it was felt in every part of me and yet even though I did not like anything other than that feeling I soon let it go as I went to school only having to relearn that gentle and tender self later in life with the support of Universal Medicine.

    1. David, I’ve observed the same ‘loss’ of self in many beautiful gentle and tender boys as they begin to attend school or reach adolescence and the consequence of this can be ugly to witness. Beautiful you have returned to that gentle and tender part of you that was always there.

  32. That seeking and searching for the ‘right one’ and always looking over the shoulder just in case is a huge one. But what I too get from this is that it’s not about searching for the right one, it’s searching for the one. The one that we know we are but have never given ourselves the space to get to know, appreciate and adore. When we search inwards then things start to change and open up. Loving ourselves first and having the connection to God and the Universe is exactly what we have been craving so when we get there its like coming home.

  33. It is empowering to realise that our waywardness is only the result of our choosing to step away from our connection to our essence, as such losing sense of who we are and seeking elsewhere for a glimmer of ‘hope’, distraction or numbness from the emptiness we feel. Yet the truth is that we can return to our connection to our essence and resurrect an honouring relationship with our essence, as such with greater connection to our Soul, wherever we are willing to say YES. This is what we all have access to.

  34. There are so many things we can use to numb the pain we feel when we disconnect from our inner strength and loveliness. It is a huge shift in awareness to realise that’s why we use those things, not because we love them but this realisation opens the door to question a lot in life and our responsibilities in it.

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