Before UNIVERSAL MEDICINE: Living a Double Life – Living a Lie
When I was little my mum often said that we would be punished if we were naughty but we would be punished double if we were naughty and lied about it. I remember taking this very seriously and feeling that lying was the worst crime of all.
Back then I equated lying with not telling the truth about what I had done wrong and hiding bad behaviour. I soon learned that lying was about so much more than that. In fact I could tell that the adults around me, my parents included, lied all the time. I found this so confusing.
When I was about 6 years old I was a flower girl at my aunt and uncle’s wedding. I was so intent on looking the part and not ruining my dress that I held my heavy basket of flowers out and away from myself all throughout the wedding ceremony.
I told myself it didn’t matter how much it hurt, it was my job to keep smiling and do as I was told on this important day.
It’s funny to look back on now, for at the time I would never have equated my stint as a flower girl with being a lie… but it was. My refusal to put the basket down showed that I had already learned to act the way I believed others needed me to in order to be accepted and ‘do the right thing’.
I had learned to ignore how my body felt.
My parents divorced when I was 10 and over time I noticed that I would act one way with my mum and her partner and another completely different way when with my dad. I felt like two different people and I didn’t like either one of them. I completely lost myself.
When I visited my dad I would go to church and act as though butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth. I didn’t want to let him down. At home with my mum I would unleash my anger, with outbursts of screaming and swearing.
I was living a double life.
I was constantly afraid that people from different areas of my life would meet and realise I was a fraud. Underneath it all was a deep sense of not being good enough and not knowing who I was.
Throughout my 20’s I worked long hours in clothing stores. The chain I worked for sold a picture of health, youth, vitality and happiness and it was my job to look the part.
I ticked the boxes with clear skin, a slim figure, lovely clothes and a big smile, but on the inside I was a mess. It was not uncommon for my co-workers and I to eat several bags of lollies a day and I often had donuts and coffee for breakfast. I took medication daily to control my acne and my cholesterol was so high my doctor asked if I was eating engine oil. I often spent my days off in bed exhausted and feeling totally inadequate: my life was not turning out how I had hoped. I did not like myself and loving myself seemed to be impossible.
When I was 26 I decided that my life would be better if I went back to university. I enrolled in a Masters degree, determined to leave retail and ‘be successful’. I pushed myself hard, determined to ‘make something of myself’. Halfway through my studies I decided to head off on my first overseas adventure: the passport photo on the left shows exactly how hard and tough I had become as a result of how I was living at this time.
When I returned from my trip I decided not to continue my studies; I could feel that the degree was not going to bring me the success I craved and it felt great to let go of something that wasn’t true for me.
Soon after this I switched careers, my circumstances improved and I no longer felt like a failure.
I played the model employee and worked hard from Monday to Friday. My time off was spent attending parties, music festivals and social events. I fuelled my lifestyle with sugar, caffeine, alcohol, nicotine and worse.
I did my best to address my abusive relationship with myself, spending thousands of dollars seeing counsellors and a psychologist to try and deal with my issues. In the end I understood exactly what I was doing but at the core of it nothing changed.
The truth is my new career path was just another lie and my new job did not truly change the fact I did not love myself. I still felt like I was always at the mercy of my circumstances.
I didn’t want to admit the truth so I presented a picture I thought others would admire.
In my late 20’s my Facebook page was full of photos that showed me surrounded by friends, visiting exotic locations and wearing gorgeous clothes. It sure looked like I was living a full life.
I knew my diet and lifestyle was harmful as I was constantly sick and still on medication to control my acne. I tried cutting out the foods that were having a negative effect but the cravings were unbearable and I always caved in. I absolutely hated the effects my party lifestyle had on my body but I didn’t want to give it up. The parties were the places I had fun, connected with others, let loose and forgot about my problems.
I didn’t advertise the fact that when the excitement of the latest travel adventure or big event was over I often felt depressed, exhausted, lonely and without purpose. I began suffering from chronic and debilitating headaches and it became clear that I needed to change my life.
I turned to a range of modalities, practitioners and self help books and although I could see glimmers of truth in many of these things, I couldn’t seem to change my behaviour in a meaningful way.
I knew I was living a lie but I could feel that everyone else was living one too.
There seemed to be no way out, although deep down I could feel that there was.
Living the way I truly wanted to seemed impossible.
After UNIVERSAL MEDICINE: Living Responsibly – Living Who I Truly Am
Soon after my 30th birthday I discovered the Universal Medicine clinic in Brisbane, Australia. I instantly knew I had found a place where I could truly heal and change my life. I began seeing an esoteric practitioner for esoteric Chakra-puncture and I began to read Serge Benhayon’s books and attend the presentations offered by Universal Medicine. Absolutely everything I read and experienced rang true for me – for the first time in my life I began to feel that there was a way I could live true to myself.
Serge Benhayon consistently presented that the body tells the truth and this really resonated with me. I began to listen to my own body and honour what it needed. Over time I stopped drinking coffee, eating gluten, dairy and sugar and drinking alcohol. I had more energy and felt more balanced.
I found that I still felt like I was living a double life for a while. I would tell some people I had sworn off alcohol and then go out with others and have a boozy night, telling myself I could get away with it. I would then feel sick and depressed for weeks. It was clear that what Serge was presenting was true for me. My body was telling me that alcohol was a very bad idea.
I now know that the most damaging lies are the ones I tell myself.
The fact is my ‘double life’ was just the end result of the fact that I was not willing to truly take responsibility for my choices and do what was right for me.
A beautiful woman with nothing to hide… Me (Leonne Sharkey) aged 33-34, after Universal Medicine
I no longer feel like I have something to hide. I am proud of each and every loving choice I make and if I make choices that are not loving I am willing to be honest about this and find out why.
I have so much more understanding for myself and in turn I have become less judgmental about the choices others make or have made. The more I return to who I truly am, the more I am able to appreciate others for who they truly are.
The truth I have come back to is – I am love. I am enough just as I am and I am a son of God. This truth applies to us all. The more I allow myself to accept this truth, the more amazing life gets. Each day I live this truth is a new before and after.
By Leonne Sharkey, Melbourne
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