I am the youngest of six children, am female, was born in Sierra Leone, West Africa, and emigrated to the UK aged seven. I grew up wanting to be liked, to be the good girl and to be accepted. I always looked outside myself for validation and really did not have a sense of who I was.
I, and my two brothers and sisters, grew up in a tiny village in North Wales with a Welsh family. Even as a child I remember trying to please my mum, gain her attention, and be loved more. As I grew into adulthood many expectations were placed on me from both my two families (Welsh and African), and I embraced them. I became the dependable one, the good daughter, the one that was unable to say ‘No’, even when asked to do something that was not in my best interest. I put the needs of others before my own. I wanted to be liked, loved and accepted. As I did this, I slowly lost my sense of self.
Through Universal Medicine I learned the importance of knowing and validating myself. Confidence came from within. I learned that being needy, and wanting to be accepted and recognised by others, disregarded myself. The most important learning for me was that I accept and love myself fully.
This pattern of behaviour was so entrenched that it took a while before I could see and feel it for myself. Every time I did not choose for me, I felt the impact in my body. Meanwhile, I realised that situations and relationships would stay the same, or worsen, until I changed.
An example of this is my relationship with my father. For many years since Mum died and even through his second marriage, I’ve felt responsible for him. When his second wife died of Alzheimer’s six years ago, I was there to support him and visited him regularly. Although I believed that he needed me, the truth was that I needed to be needed and to have a role in his life. Focusing on my Dad meant I didn’t have to look at myself. The more I thought I was helping Dad, the more needy he became of me. I created a situation of mutual neediness.
Through Universal Medicine I learnt that my first responsibility was to myself. Once I saw that my relationship to Dad was not truly loving, I began change the way we related to each other so we became equal, free-standing adults. I was more open with him about my life. I talked to him about what he wanted for himself. I helped him get the support he needed from local professionals and they took over his caring responsibilities with my assistance.
I visited him less. He moved into a residential care home. The remarkable thing is that when I stepped back from being responsible, other family members who lived locally stepped forward. The relationship I have with him is now more honest and balanced. He accepts that I’m not always going to be able to see him (he lives in North Wales). I no longer have the feeling of obligation. I feel free, he feels free.
This pattern of putting others first has almost been erased. It doesn’t mean I don’t care or love friends and family, in fact my relationships are now ‘cleaner’ and healthier. My first reference is of course myself. I have now placed myself in the picture – previously I was absent.
I matter, and take full responsibility for my life. This has been an amazing step forward.
by Kehinde, London, U.K.
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
Taking full responsibility for our life sounds obvious, but how many of us truly do this? Eating and drinking to excess is rife in society today. We often either over indulge ourselves and become arrogant or make ourselves small as if we don’t matter. To put ourselves first and to continue to love both ourselves and others was something I had never been taught, or experienced, before coming to Universal Medicine presentations.
This is a gorgeous sharing with a very powerful message, that each one of us matters and counts in this world with so much to bring and to share when we allow ourselves to live from our true essence; Soul.
Kehinde, it is an amazing step forward to release ourselves from ideals of doing good for others, to fill ourselves by being needed, and to live placing others first. These dynamics are not healthy for ourselves or others, I know this because I’ve lived it also by placing family/others first. Instead I now have a relationship to me that is considerate and self loving, and I liked how you worded it, by now being in the picture.
Your words here really struck a chord with me…that when we seek acceptance or recognition from others we are actually making ourselves less because I guess we are saying that what others think of us is of more value than what we actually feel and know in our own bodies. Very insidious this and very insightful of you to explain it so clearly.
‘Through Universal Medicine I learned the importance of knowing and validating myself.’ I loved this line Kehinde because it is so easy to value others more than we truly value ourselves, and we are very much worth valuing.
It is beautiful to feel how our relationship with our body offers us the truest guide in knowing when we are living in honor of who we are and when we are not. Our confidence naturally resides within as you have shared Kehinde. As such, it is a matter of developing a loving relationship with our inner-most essence, through which our confidence is a reflection of knowing, honouring and expressing who we naturally are.
You share here some amazing realization here, Kehinde. What really stood out for me is the need to be needed and how that can be the very fabric of our relationships/arrangement with others, and often ends up creating a situation we complain about later as an issue.
We have erroneously misunderstood what love is and turn it into the need for acceptance and recognition where we please another to be liked of “loved” by them. All this comes at a significant expense of our bodies as true love is an emanation from within, it’s already there and just needs to be accepted and lived.
It’s a huge obligation to need acceptance and or recognition and confirmation from people when it is not being lived or bought in ones own life. How can we expect to be accepted from those around us if we do not accept ourself? The beautiful thing is, that all it takes is for us to step into more acceptance and actively have a relationship with ourselves that exudes a living confirmation.
Being honest with ourselves about the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves is one of the kindest things we can actually do for ourselves.
This is so true and liberating, Suse. We know inside of us what our limitations are and how supporting others, including us in the care we offer. Sometimes to say ‘no’ or delegate are wise and loving choices for everyone to receive. Great reflections indeed for others to learn to take care for themselves too..
We can often get so mired in ‘supporting’ and ‘fixing’ others we neglect ourselves and equally of course our quality so what in fact is being brought in this care for others let alone us. Our first responsibility is to us, how we live, our quality, and living in a way that ensures we can be all we are in the world … that’s how we in fact truly support ourselves and others bringing our full selves to the table.
We may appear to be confident on the outside but look more closely and this confidence is false and weak. True confidence is unshakeable, steady and undeniable. It is a knowing that comes from the connection to myself and as I build on this relationship to myself in my daily living my confidence is growing.
Often we look at the person who is being the most needy and think they are the problem, and we rarely if ever look at the person they are being needy of. That’s were considering reflections and looking at our part can and does change everything. When we do this, “I have now placed myself in the picture – previously I was absent.” everyone has a reflection and opportunity to choose the same.
It seems to me that when we consider everyone, we are of course a full part of this picture, just as all others are. To negate the self is in truth neglectful of the whole. Without us, the whole is incomplete.
What becomes so clear when reading your words is how very much we create the situation we are in and in that how powerful we are, as it comes back to us to change the patterns we are in that are not working, we have the power to change.
When I read this blog I felt a resonance towards what was shared. I moved to the UK from overseas and grew up wanting to be loved by my father. He was a stern man and seldom showed affection or love.
I strived to prove him wrong and bettering myself in what ever way I could at my own expense. For me it was the inability to say no to work and being in control of situations which cannot be sustained forever. Extended family wise, I was often unpopular as it was my way or the high way…..
Since doing workshops with Universal Medicine, my life has changed, the responsibility changed and I started to focus upon myself and my own health and well being. There are times I go into the being ‘needed’ energy and my body soon signals very loudly, it’s pointless living a life to please other people and their ways – the most loving thing anyone can do is first to help themselves before helping others.
I can so relate to what you share here Kehinde, I used to be all things to all people as I was craving to be accepted and recognised as well. It is quite exhausting living in this way and how beautiful to read of the steps you took to empower yourself and let go of these old patterns and any neediness you had – allowing the space for the relationship with your father to become more loving and true.
We often think that we’re being loving by doing everything for another, but this in fact is aiding and abetting irresponsibility. Great to read Kehinde how when you took a step back, others stepped in to support.
I can relate to a lot of what you have shared Kehinde, of needing to be needed, looking for acceptance from others, not able to say no with no sense of myself and my own needs. It has taken time for me to really able to put myself first, in taking responsibility for my own life and choices, thereby realising “I too do matter. “
It is great to re-establish relationships on a true foundation rather than ones based on mutual needs, dependency, arrangements – none of these are of benefit to either party and hugely capping rather than evolving.
Reading this I could really feel how imposing it can be on others when we are wanting to be liked, loved and acceptance. It doesn’t give the relationship or person space to be what and who they are.
I found this article touching and revealing of the patterns we adopt at the cost to ourselves. Some may read this and think other things but I read this and see that the deeper and deeper we care for ourselves then this relationship then holds every other relationship in the same care. You are there to do exactly what’s needed for those around you in whatever way that looks. At times it can look different to what society deems ‘normal’ but if we have a look around our normal isn’t truly normal. I think that anyone that is taking their relationships deeper in this way is very very brave given the current climate of our society and they stand their as a beacon for others to see.
I can feel how the way we live our lives as we ‘grow’ and the choices we make are so coloured by what we took on as little children. If being a yes or no person was how we responded in our immediate environment, then that is the pattern we are setting with many relationships. We have loads of choice as grown people, not something we had a lot of authority over when little perhaps but as adults we actually do. We simply have to choose to claim our own authority back. Universal Medicine is truly and forever deepening the awareness offered in being responsible for our own choices.
I can so easily relate to what you have written here Kehinde and I am positive that there are many others who can too. “I put the needs of others before my own. I wanted to be liked, loved and accepted”. In fact, I feel that the majority of humanity lives like this. But to come to a place where you know that your self-care is at the top of the list and that loving yourself first is the key to truly living is such a wonderful place to be; it makes living so simple and so very enjoyable.
I have read this blog before. Those two words ‘I matter,’ are very powerful to read and say out loud. They convey so much and I am very much enjoying living in a way that confirms this.
Your opening paragraph is a statement of fact that I could write describing my own experience. It wasn’t till I was nearly 50, and physically depleted that I said enough, something has to change. With this I then chose to do Esoteric Healing Level 1 workshop presented by Serge Benhayon. This was the pivotal moment when I started to come back to myself, detangling myself from the losing of myself to anything and anyone. My awareness to and responsibility for how my life was being lived was now awake and I have returned to vitality, well-being and a deep claiming of self-care and self-love that I wasn’t even aware was possible.
Your life is so interesting but I suppose all of our stories are rich and fascinating to an onlooker, and somewhat normal to us that have actually lived them. I am just blown away by how clearly you have called out the need in yourself, the honesty and bravery it would have taken to get to the point that you could write an article like this is remarkable. I have recently made myself replaceable in my own business, I have trained one of my staff to be me and once upon of time I think I may have been hesitant to hand over so much responsibility out of a need to be needed but now I am free because I know who I am and don’t need any role to define me.
The hook of family and the roles we often play life long has such a massive impact on our lives. I know it could be quite easy to see myself as a daughter forever but when I take responsibility for myself and my life and also my parents I relieve them of their role or duty to take care of me and allow us to have an equal relationship not as daughter/mother/father but as three people together.
It’s a great comment you have made Meg highlighting how we can have expectations on family or other relationships by picturing these as having roles and duties towards ourselves, and if these are not met there can be significant emotional turmoil. Viewing each other as equals is a simple and loving foundation.
Beautiful to read how when we truly take care and honor ourselves first we then really know and understand how to care, honor what another needs to be truly supported, thus empowering for all involved.
I am learning too that when I have need or sympathy then I am not able to see or feel what is truly needed and when genuine support is required and when it is an opportunity for the person to find their way within a situation they have created so that they don’t repeat the same pattern or if they do they have the skills to bring themselves back from it. When I do it for them I am setting up for them to repeat or stay in the situation they are in.
I am not sure most of us really reflect on just what a huge role recognition plays in shaping our lives, and how damaging such a quest is for our own true sense of confidence. Even when you look at those who display confidence outwardly, most often there is no foundation to such confidence held within. Its a huge problem really, and stems from the fact that there is little in life that truly calls us to be introspective and connect to the simplicity and glory of our own being before anything else.
To be able to bring something true into a relationship, we need to know, honour and appreciate who we are in the way we live. Great sharing Kehinde. Basics for all of us.
It is interesting what we can come up with and create to not look at ourselves whether that is in our relationships including our children, work, competition, dramas in our lives etc, whatever we hold under the belief as being more worthy than ourselves but nothing can justify the love we can give to ourselves as I am finding out in my own life. Sometimes when I do express and live in honour of myself it can cause reactions in others but when I am true to me I know I am being true to those around me even though initially it may not be welcomed.
It is our responsibility to live in connection with who we are, which only is possible when we choose to hold ourselves in love.
Thank you Kehinde. As teenagers we fret to be free of the attentions of parents and take responsibility for ourselves and when the roles are reversed the elderly can feel free when the needy attentions of a child allows them to retain responsibility for themselves.
That’s a pretty huge turn around after a lifetime of living a certain way, and then choosing a different way. Inspiring Kehinde!
We all matter and when we take responsibility for all our choices, our life transforms and it is so much easier to make those changes that we always knew we needed to make, but somehow couldn’t.
Needing to be needed was huge for me – it was what gave me purpose in life but resulted in me, like Kehinde, putting myself last in life, very much to the detriment of my own health and wellbeing. It’s so disrespectful of both parties to be this way – on the one hand there was my arrogance in thinking that I was the only one who could support them and for them, my actions were basically saying, “You’re not capable of looking after yourself.” Unloving behaviour wrapped up in a package that on the outside looks like care and love. It’s no wonder it can be hard to see it for what it is when you’re in it.
I agree Lucy, there is an arrogance in believing another is not capable of looking after themselves and it feeds into our need to be needed. Stepping back and allowing others to experience the consequences of their own choices also has place, whereas rushing in to fix, dis-empowers both self and others.
Perhaps the thing we are not accepting of enough is the concept of free will, and in particular free will to choose to heal or not heal, to be aware or not be aware, to be loving or not loving. It is, ultimately, every person’s right to choose the life they choose. Where it gets tricky, if you like, and why it is none-the-less important to express and call things out in the world and in another, is that we are not as free to choose as we might ordinarily be. Even on a basic level, society imposes upon us from young, as does our family etc, and so we grow up not being necessarily as free as we might think we are to choose how we wish to be. The world is full of false reflections that incite us and mould us. So what is needed in the world, more than charity or doing good, or imposing our will upon another in order to fix their predicament for them, are true reflections, and true role models that in themselves show others that they actually have a choice, even where they think they have none.
‘So what is needed in the world, more than charity or doing good, or imposing our will upon another in order to fix their predicament for them, are true reflections, and true role models that in themselves show others that they actually have a choice, even where they think they have none’. Powerfully expressed Adam. And when we are our true selves, the drive to ‘rescue ‘ or ‘parent’ others ceases.
We so need those true reflections and while we’re busy helping and doing without truly caring for us that is absent. And everyone loses.
Thank you Kehinde. To comment here, is a question to ponder – how do you put yourself first, and not make it about self? The way I look at it is – how I do things for myself is the quality others receive.
I can so relate to this blog. Thank you for expressing so clearly and succinctly what I am sure is true for so many and for showing that there is a way out of this lack of regard for ourselves and it is actually quite simple. This not only benefits us but allows others to step up to changes that support their own growth. Definitely a win win situation.
Wow Kehinde what an honest blog! You wrote: “I learned that being needy, and wanting to be accepted and recognised by others, disregarded myself.” This insight for me can change a whole life as it showed very clearly how we can choose to use others to hold ourselves back to not take the full responsibility for our own lives.
“I matter,…” These two words are so profound and I need to remind myself of this fact more often, not in a self-centred or selfish way but by making space for me in whatever I do whether that is for myself or others – I need to be with it and in it all the time otherwise I lose the joy in life.
This is a big one, I feel especially for people living in the UK, that if we don’t put people first it means we do not love them! This could not be further away from the truth. Reading this I remembered this is similar to how I felt growing up that I needed to be dependable and support others, that I needed to feel needed or needed to feel strong for others and I was aware of how unnatural this felt at the time but had no idea how to come back to my truth, to love others but to also love myself equally if not first. Currently this does not get reflected or taught to us as we are growing up and this desperately needs to change as things are not getting better they are getting worse and young people are not taught to appreciate, love and take care of themselves first and foremost. They are not being met for who they truly are hence the same ill pattern of wanting to be loved, needed etc keeps playing. They are not being shown another way. The only way this changed for me is the same way it changed for you, through Universal Medicine their teachings and reflection of how to live that is being true to ourselves. Also its a confirmation in when you stepped back others stepped up so it just goes to show that when we ‘think’ we are the ones that have to do ‘everything’ it stops others evolving, contributing to the community and being all they are too. It’s is great to hear how your relationship with yourself and your dad has changed. It feels a lot clearer and healthier now.
Love this “I matter, and take full responsibility for my life.” I know what you went through as I can relate to what you are sharing, doing everything for others to feel needed and forgetting about the self. I used to feel thinking of the self was selfish, but I was so wrong. Putting self first allows us to truly be there for others as we are more connected and true to ourselves, and therefore reflect this to others.
“Focusing on my Dad meant I didn’t have to look at myself. The more I thought I was helping Dad, the more needy he became of me. I created a situation of mutual neediness.” – Thank you for your honesty and openness to share this Kehinde and for sharing how the relationship between you actually became more loving, ‘cleaner’ and spacious for the both of you when you started to care for you equally.
I know that feeling of obligation well, feeling obligated to do something for someone or to be a certain way for someone feels absolutely awful… but equally awful is feeling when someone is doing the same back to you. The thing is we can never fulfil anyone, and that is something I desperately tried to do most my life for my family. Even now I can feel where I choose to slip into trying to impress to be accepted. Very powerful blog Kehinde.
I can relate to wanting to be ‘liked’ Kehinde and how this made me give my power away to others or made me overly responsible for others at times. Learning to build a true relationship with myself has been a great support and made it easier to connect more deeply with others as well without any neediness on my part.
This is a beautiful sharing Kehindi and so inspiring .”Through Universal Medicine I learned the importance of knowing and validating myself. Confidence came from within. I learned that being needy, and wanting to be accepted and recognised by others, disregarded myself. The most important learning for me was that I accept and love myself fully.” So true and something i am learning also.
I really get this need to be needed. I used to feel that I had to be needed in order to be allowed a place in the world, and that had to be earned and not given. Learning to truly accept and love myself is an on-going process for me, and what I am finding is I can never afford to be lazy on appreciating myself for being a vital part of the whole.
I cannot imagine you not being in the picture – Life would be so dull without you! Thank you for sharing your story,
Wanting to be ‘liked’ is the doorway through which evil can enter and through wanting to please others at the expense of what is true for us, we allow great poison into our bodies which slowly erodes our sense of self worth and manifests as physical symptoms of illness and dis-ease. Learning to put ourselves first, as you have Kehinde, is an act of great love for through truly loving ourselves we can more fully love others.
Absolutely Liane, and it doesn’t only poison our bodies (needing to be liked) it also offers that poison to another in the guise of being ‘nice’ or ‘good’.
This is a real work in progress for me. I am constantly challenging myself when I feel obligations crop up. It’s a very old and hard habit to break, but with practice it gets easier and the big surprise everytime is that the world doesn’t combust when I do make a choice that is more honouring of me.
Everytime I read this Kehinde I am inspired. It would have been a huge step up to put yourself first after such an ingrained pattern of never even considering you mattered. Very very inspiring!
What you say about doing things for others because you thought they needed you, but in truth it was because you actually “needed to be needed”, rang so true for me and I am sure, many others too. Coming to this realisation naturally takes a huge weight off our shoulders, and offers us the opportunity to look closely at why we have this need.
Much as I have struggled to fully embrace this truth, I wholeheartedly agree that our first responsibility is to ourselves – and without it are eternally seeking outside for what we have within.
Dear Kehinde,
I can feel the freedom you and your Dad have gained from you putting your self into the picture. What I love most about what you share is how those around you and him have stepped into their responsibilities. How much do we stop another from living responsibly when we over do the caring?
The responsibility you have taken in this article for the arrangement that you had made with your Dad is incredibly honest, thank you for sharing so simply what it feels like to re-imprint a relationship from neediness to love.
I have really had to examine this neediness too. There is that emotional tug, that feeling laced with guilt in there that hooks us if we are not aware and this is not healthy. To be free of this is lovely and necessary to have true, free, loving relationships. Should is a word that needs to be carefully used and is something to be very aware of.
“I have now placed myself in the picture – previously I was absent.” what an amazing difference this would make… The relationship actually getting you
This was great to read Kehinde. “Focusing on my Dad meant I didn’t have to look at myself. ” I have done this in so many instances…with family, friends and especially boyfriends. Wanting an escape goat so that I could make it all about them so I didn’t have to deal with what was going on for me. What a change when I brought myself into the equation.
Dear Kehinde, I so relate to your story. I too had needed to be needed by people close to me and as I learn to take true care of myself I am building a new way with them, which is more clean, honest and free for all of us.
“The most important learning for me was that I accept and love myself fully.” This is so true Kehinde – no one can love us more than we’re prepared to love ourselves.
Kehinde I understand what it feels like to not put oneself in the picture and to live through others. It neither serves them or us. It has been amazing to see the difference in relationships when the focus changes to getting one’s own life in order – there is so much more space and joy in our relationships.
When we constantly look outside of ourselves for validation and put being liked, loved and accepted by others first we forget that to feel and appreciate the very foundation and fullness of that love it needs to originate from within ourselves first.
A lot of people would think that caring, embracing more self-love and honouring ourselves and seeing that we really do matter are all selfish acts when it comes to our relationships. This is far from the truth as to ever have any true love in relationship we must have a solid basis of self-love and self-responsibility.
Needing to be needed and getting off on the recognition it brings are such traps and can easily lead to resentment of the person we are doing things for, keeps them dependent on us and can turn to bitterness as we realise that no amount of recognition in the world can make up for the self love we haven’t developed yet.
Kehinde, I really love all you have shared and I can relate to entangling myself in others lives as a way of feeling needed. As children we are often socialised to be “good”, to put others first and inhabit roles such as being a “good daughter”. It’s easy to see how such socialisation can set us up in life as adults living conforming to these ideals and beliefs, instead of responding to what is truly loving for ourselves.
I love what you shared about your first responsibility being to yourself. This is a profound learning for many do put others first at their own expense and therefore offer a substandard version of support. When we take responsibility for us first we can then feel what is truly needed or not for others and only then offer them a quality that truly supports.
I feel steadier and stronger in myself since I have truly started to care for myself and put me first. I find I am now in a better position to be of service to others without becoming exhausted or creating dependency.
Love this blog. When we acknowledge that we matter, that we are actually precious, we also acknowledge that other people matter too. There is nothing selfish about looking after ourselves, it is the only way to be truly loving.
It is miraculous that we really shape our own lives. We create our own reality as you have shown by you blog and the relationship with your dad. We can live in a way that is not supportive for ourselves and yet all around will constellate and need that of you. It then can seem impossible to change. But it is always possible even if it seems hard, if we take responsibility like you did everyone benefits as well.
Thank you Kehinde for a great sharing, I can so relate to what you have written, I really didn’t want a me, my worth was tied up in helping, needing people to need me, when all the time, it was I who needed me. I too have come to realise that I do matter in this world and that I alone am responsible for my life .
“The more I thought I was helping Dad, the more needy he became of me. I created a situation of mutual neediness.” …and to feel how disempowering this is for everyone something I would never have understood but for Universal Medicine.
A great sharing Kehinde, attending to our own self-care and self-love is key to being able to truly support others.
This is so spot on Kehinde for myself in many ways, so easy to get bogged down in the neediness of another or oneself. To recognise that we all have the right to help when needed and love , but there is a difference when it becomes a burden, not what anyone would want.
So many of us fall into this trap of needing to be needed. It can lead to resentment and feeling trapped. Like you Kehinde when I let go of needing to be recognised and accepted for what I did and treated myself and others as equals I experienced a freedom to be me and enjoy the connection with people rather than a neediness to be liked for what I do.
When we’re needy we can get stuck in an illusion that what we are doing is loving for another, when in truth we are capping ourselves and another from expanding. When we love ourselves it takes the need out as we feel how full and incredible we are, allowing space for another to grow.
Kehinde, holding myself less is something I have been working on since starting Universal medicine. One thing that has been replaying in my mind is, there is no true brotherhood unless I hold myself equal to all so they to can feel their equality.
This is so great to read Kehinde. There are so many needy relationships and I have been in some myself too. Needy relationships are very unhealthy is my experience. They are full of emotions and drama’s when meet do not get met and they are poisonous for your body.
So true Lieke, a foundation built on need is a foundation built on emotion, when we build it on emotion we can’t help but fill it with drama as drama is our emotions personified.
I agree Lieke. Now I understand that whenever I have a need from someone else it’s for me to look at how I’m not meeting myself.
I’ve found myself in needy relationships too although at the time I would never have considered them unhealthy. One that comes to mind is the way I mothered, considering I was being a good mother by doing things for my children etc when in reality I had needs and expectations for both myself and my children to be a certain way, and often did things that were at the expense of my wellbeing. What a difference it has been to first become aware of this and now to be able to begin building relationships that first begin with taking care of myself, a foundation which enables me to then take care of or provide support to others when / as needed (which doesn’t always mean doing anything, but sometimes just being with them).
Being dependable, reliable and selfless…a big fat evil trap. I’ve fallen in it and been stuck in many many times. It’s like a lifeline we hold on to to validate our existance. Turns out, there is another way…and we’re actually all just perfectly enough without trying!
Thank you for sharing Kehinde, we are encouraged to be good and right but never taught to be true. Anything that makes you lesser is not true. Knowing that you matter and that you are equal means you can bring more love to others.
I thought I was reading my story Kehinde as it so accurately describes my life before Universal Medicine. I dedicated my whole being to others in the belief it was duty, my responsibility, the only way to be. The notion of putting myself first was one that I fought with for a long time but since feeling the truth of it my life has indeed changed with more room for smiles and true connection.
I can relate to your story Kehinde, I too used to put everyone first and be all things for everyone leaving no time or energy for myself. My need for recognition and acceptance was huge, I now no longer play this game and have let go of the need to be liked by others. It is a work in progress and I can catch myself at times holding back looking for acceptance, at these times it is clear I need to deeply appreciate and accept myself more.
Such an important lesson Kehinde . To put others before ourselves slowly weakens who we are. I have done a lot of this in my life too but thanks to The Teachings of the Ancient Wisdom Presented by Serge Benhayon I have learnt that I need to be myself and others are also being given the opportunity to be themselves and not dependent on me. Thank You for a great sharing.
I enjoyed the absoluteness and simplicity in this blog. ” Once I saw that my relationship to Dad was not truly loving, I began change the way we related to each other so we became equal, free-standing adults.” It’s something I too have worked-on experiencing with many family members. Without equality, I’m either contracted or looking-down on a ‘loved-one’ and that’s not loving at all.
When we put others first and disregard ourselves, we are showing the world by example that its OK to live this way. By deeply honoring and caring for ourselves, we give people a refection of something they can also choose, and the quality of love and care when we do something for another is clear and clean and doesn’t come laced with duty and resentment, thank you Kehinde for being the amazing person you are.
Kehinde there were two sentences that really stood out to me within your blog “I learned that being needy, and wanting to be accepted and recognised by others, disregarded myself. The most important learning for me was that I accept and love myself fully.” and “I matter, and take full responsibility for my life. This has been an amazing step forward.”. Both these sentences revealed to me the importance we can place on others and how by choosing others we push ourselves aside and leave no room for true relationships to develop. What I could feel was that the moment we bring ourselves into the picture, really develop a loving relationship with ourselves we set the foundation for true relationships, where all parties can connect in a true and honest way. Reconnecting to who we are from the inside out leaves no room for neediness, anxiety or the need to be recognised, as who we are is more than enough. What a beautiful and true way to be.
Putting ourself back in the picture as you so aptly put it Kehinde, makes for the complete picture. Understanding what responsibility actually means takes it from being a once ‘dirty word’ to the key to lovingly care for ourselves.
Kehinde, your sharing is so appropriate for me at the moment. I have been taking up others issues and I realise by doing so I am depriving the other person of finding their own strength. I have been feeling tired lately having been unwell, but have found myself still being available to help others out. Therefore not considering the effect that this has had on my body and its healing, I am aware of the need to be considerate and self nurturing to my body on a much deeper level. Thank you again for sharing.
My confidence has grown a tonne as well from what I have learnt from attending Universal Medicine courses. Learning to accept and love myself makes all the difference !
Thank you Kehinde for sharing so openly about your life. I have suffered from this pattern too. A pattern one can be so entrenched in that it takes a deep level of honesty to free ourselves from. Thank Goodness for Universal Medicine as without the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom, the presentations, courses, workshops and esoteric healing sessions plus Universal Medicine practitioners and Serge Benhayon, I know that I would have no awareness of how to break this pattern. Slowly and with honesty I can see a way out.
I really felt the Universality of this blog this morning. So often we think we are helping and are needed when in fact those concerned are quite capable. We are holding ourselves back and them by not moving forward with our own lives. Thank you so much for this blog Kehinde.
Wow, the first part of your blog sounded like you were writing about me Kehinde. I too am female, youngest of six and emigrated to the Uk at age 7. I too did exactly the same thing by wanting to please everyone by being the helpful, easy going child. The word ‘no’ was not in my vocabulary, I didn’t know how to use it. I’d always put everyone else’s needs before mine and thought that it was an act of love and sacrifice. I now have learnt having been attending Universal Medicine for years how much of that was a neediness, a distraction and disregard for myself. I took on responsibility that wasn’t mine and felt used and resentful at times but that was what I had created. I had thought putting myself first was seen as being selfish and how wrong I was. I am learning to now say ‘no’ with love and not guilt. Taking care of myself, honoring my body and how I feel. It has been extremely empowering and a feeling of lightness from letting go of responsibilities that wasn’t mine and dealing what is mine with clarity and direction.
A beautiful sharing of self-sacrifice to self-responsibility and the power of the ripple affect of such a truly loving choice when placing the care of yourself first.
Thank you Kehinde for sharing this beautiful insight into letting go of attachments and being responsible for why we do what we do and the energy we do them in.
Kehinde, I enjoyed reading your blog. It’s so true that we often feel weighed down by responsibility etc but how often is this situation of our own making? Your words ‘I have now placed myself in the picture – previously I was absent.’ are a great reminder to me to come back to me body and check in with myself before jumping in and involving myself in other people’s lives.
I love this sentence too, it reminded me of myself doing the same thing. In the busyness of pleasing others I had also left most part myself out of the picture. It is so awesome to see it for what it is, learn and move on from that. If it wasn’t for meeting Serge Benhayon, his family and Universal Medicine, this kind of disregard for myself would have continued as normal. I am now aware of what true responsibility and true love really means. It is about first connecting with love and responsibility from within first and then with others, not just one sided but always equal balanced.
It’s beautiful to read that once you have worked on not needing him to need you, it’s allowed others to step in and look after your dad as well.
A great reminder Kahinde, that putting ouselves first does not mean we are selfish for doing so. Everyone benefits from loving choices made, and whilst it might ruffle some feathers at times, it’s well and truly worth living a life free of resentment of others, knowing that we are fully responsible for our choices.
What a deeply powerful blog Kehinde. “I have now placed myself in the picture – previously I was absent.” This says reams and reams, about how so many of us have been (& may still be – there is always more to see in this regard..), and a culture that largely values and places someone who self-sacrifices upon a pedestal.
I have also played support roles myself in my life – deep and long-lasting ones, until I truly learned and found myself ‘in the picture’ again, and realised that I was not truly supporting anyone. By holding someone as needing of me/my support, I held them as less, i.e. incapable of knowing their own strength, and also as you’ve shared, potentially allowing in a more embracing support from others/other angles, than ‘just me’ doing so much of it alone.
I truly appreciate every word you’ve shared here. What a beautiful woman you are to express this with the deepest respect for all, and how awesome to celebrate that ‘obligation’ no longer pulls you away from the foundation upon which you stand – in and with ‘you’.
‘i needed to be needed’ is something I used to do quite strongly. It is however as you describe a very unloving relationship as you disempower the one you need to need you. Both are in a role and so a game is being played to feed our needs. It is far more true to support someone to be in their own power so you can simply love them and stand next to them without any interdependency. Each in their own power, now that is love!
It is so true that needing to be needed by others is an indicator that we do not truly love and appreciate ourselves. You have made a huge turn around in your life Kehinde that is awesome.
This is huge Kehinde, thank you for sharing. In honouring of our own lives, attending to what is truly needed to support ourself first, then we are more ready to be there in full when needed for anyone else too.
It can be challenging when we first start taking responsibility for ourselves and stop putting everyone’s needs before our own, but how liberating it is when we realise we can be super supportive without having to make ourselves less important than anyone else. The fact is, when we take great care of ourselves first, the care we then are able to offer others is done without resentment, and that’s a big call.
I keep coming back to this blog and it continues to make relatable sense. Focusing on what others say, do or we let ourselves believe that they need to be a certain way is a complete distraction and avoidance of who we are. And when we loose who we are we loose sight of who the other person/s truly are too. Engaging a person from that place of not who we truly are thus treating them the same we only go around in circles and nothing changes in the true sense. Thank you Kehinde.
Love what you have said here Kehinde that it is not that we need to put ourselves above everyone else but simply include oursleves in the whole picture equal to everyone else.
Absolutely Andrew. this seems to be my common theme at the moment, having equality for all is finding true love with humanity.
This is so beautifully and simply written. Thank you Kehinde, I know these patterns of need so well, in myself and others. Leaving oneself out of the picture is a very common behaviour and it is very inspiring to feel the strength and truth and love in your words.
The simple act of caring for ourselves always has an effect on how we care for others and how we are with others. Thank you Kehinde for your very gorgeous blog.
Thankyou Kehinde, it is lovely to feel the love you have chosen and how that has made a beautiful impact on you and your relationships.
Kehinde it’s wonderful that you now put yourself in the picture. I too have hidden behind need and learned how disregarding that is to self and others. How beautiful that you now have an honest and equal relationship with your father.
Beautiful Kehinde, it is a great story presenting that we are the first to take responsibility for and with this we help ourselves and others to be more with themselves.
Beautifully said Benkt, we are the ones to make the change in this world.
This is a really beautiful story showing the value of quality and detachment not quantity and neediness in relationships. In the last 7 years I have spent less and less of the expected occasions together with my immediate and extended family, like Christmas, Birthdays, Easter, Holidays, and even don’t always celebrate a family members birthday with presents etc, but our family is way way closer than ever before. We go on holidays together at least once per year and are sure to visit each other (from our sides of Australia) at least 2 to 4 times a year, because we want to, not because we have to. I feel it’s the getting rid of expectations and playing into this that has made the great change and allowed for deeper love between us. I would not have realised that this was possible if I had not been inspired to feel the true love and no attachment and neediness that Serge Benhayon and his family, and now many other families live.
The lovely thing about reading this Danielle is that there is no sense of duty with being together in this way, it happens very naturally because you genuinely want to share time with each other. This is healing for everyone.
That’s so true Jen, I feel that deep down we do always genuinely want to be with one another, but the other stuff just comes rushing in and spoils it all. It’s like being in a project meeting with a group of close friends, if the meeting becomes about having to do the project work, and not about enjoying each others company and having fun then it becomes a chore, because everything comes rushing in to tell us what it needs to look like to be in the doing of the project work 🙂
Kehinde, a timely blog for me to read, as my mother has recently passed and I too can recognize that for me there is a fine line between truly supporting others and needing to be needed.
It is for me to feel me first and move from there, which simply means in each moment I stay present with how my body feels…ie tired, alert, empty or full, and from there decide if helping another would truly serve another, or if it would take away from us both..ie leave us both needy.
As I read your blog Kehinde, after reading a few other blogs on this site, I strongly felt how very important all of our individual expressions are. How that in your sharing of your story, you have provided inspiration to many, and an opportunity for others to feel that they too matter. There is nothing ‘selfish’ in what you write. The love you have for your father is evident, but it is as you say more balanced and true. The key point for me was this line “Through Universal Medicine I learnt that my first responsibility was to myself” – What I have learnt is that when I take responsibility for myself first, I am better able to take responsibility for the other responsibilities I have in life. If I am not taking responsibility for myself, I lack the energy, quality and commitment to the other things.
What I am understanding is that life is a ‘two way street’ and not only about others. When in ‘something’ it is sometimes hard to see the whole picture, sometimes the truth is avoided, by ‘blaming’ others for not doing their bit, or for not taking responsibility, when in reality we are the ones making the choices that dictate what is to happen and how a situation or relationship is to be. How beautiful it is when by freeing yourself – you also free everyone else to be more of who they are.Thank you Kehinde, for your sharing and honesty.
Great comment, I absolutely agree. It’s the imbalance in our choices that causes the disharmony within.
I too have realised that within my life I have very much lived to be needed by others. To be needed, I have lived outside of myself and provided to others what it is they were looking for or wanting. The care and consideration I allowed for others I did not show to myself. This is one of the major changes in my life since working with Universal Medicine.
What you’ve shared applies to me too. From reading some comments I can see that many of us relate to this blog. It seems so common to be accepted and even rewarded for choosing disregard and separation in life. The truth seems to be covered with illusions and emptiness which I have fallen for and lived with most of my life. Universal Medicine exposes the illusions and reveals the whole truth. I am learning to return to love and truth with consistency and commitment. I have still a long way to go but the changes in my life are profound, empowering, and so much more joyful.
Thank you Kehinde, for me growing up was very much part of being accepted. Life now, since being introduced to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has become about me accepting the true divine inner me.
Very inspiring Kehinde! Such a relatable article. It is so unbelievably ingrained the way we believe looking after others first is the ‘right’ thing to do, disregarding the fact that living under obligation is far more menacing than we care to know. It absolutely come from a need to be needed, and a lack of self worth. I relate entirely!
Well said Elodie – I also relate entirely!
When we don’t include ourselves in the picture everything that is not us takes centre stage in our lives (The good girl, good friend, hard worker etc) to the point were we believe that, that not us, is us! It sounds crazy, but as many have said, and I too can relate to it, takes the real us to be felt and shown to us, as those within Universal Medicine do as their acts of service for the world – just being themselves to show that we are all the same, before we see the false actor for who and what it is. Admitting that I have allowed the false show to run my life has not and continues to not be pretty but as I accept that as having happened I get to feel how the real me performs in life, less stress, less drive, more warmth and lightness I experience in those moments.
Yes I agree leighmatson, it is a crime in a way that we would put ourselves as less than everything and anyone else and this pattern can be so ingrained that it can be difficult to see. However when we start to feel that we do matter and that we are very much worth taking care of – because a) it will support the growth of the love of ourselves and b) because in the long run others will benefit from having a more nourished, less needy person around – then it is ALL worth it.
How beautiful that you have now placed yourself in the picture, Kehinde. That picture was incomplete without your fullness – or that is what I am finding. That feeling of need is so heavy and feels as though it can drag me down into a pit of emotion and living life on a constant merry-go-round where the more I feed the neediness the more life became complicated and confusing. Once I began to put myself into the picture life became more simple and living it became more enjoyable – for me and for those around me. More clarity at last!
Thank you Kehinde for sharing your life experiences. I too have felt, relationships based on being needy and demanding expectations are very draining, not rewarding and a burden. It is dis-empowering and allows irresponsibility. The freedom of loving and respecting me is freeing for everyone and permitting others to choose the same.
Creating mutual neediness, I can relate to that. In my life I had many relationships like that. To let go of that neediness is truly freeing and asking me to take responsibility for myself.
This feels so empowering – I learned that being needy, and wanting to be accepted and recognised by others, disregarded myself. The most important learning for me was that I accept and love myself fully. – in the past I have felt needy in how I lived life, wanting and seeking love and understanding from outside myself. Now I know that, that is not me, that behaviour is something that I called in to not feel, hurts or to protect myself, but was never the true me. So learning to accept and love myself has indeed changed how I view myself and all others equally – this indeed feels empowering.
Thankyou Kehinde, your article is both awesome and inspirational in a very practical sense. What you share about being overly responsible and that sense of obligation to put everyone else before ourselves is totally relatable for us all. Your article is a gentle reminder to me of just how unhealthy it is for everyone involved.
Honesty opens the door to true Love, it is what always helps me to get back to myself, whenever I feel lost or troubled. Like a shiny lantern, when it’s foggy.
I was more on the other side – I loved to be taken care of and I didn’t like it when that was withdrawn. However this attitude is surprisingly draining as it costs a lot of energy always working out how to get taken care of instead of just doing it myself.
What a relieve to not need to be needed. Truly freeing. And what a beautiful claim that you matter! This is great to leave behind any lack of self worth issues. Awesome!
What you share here is completely amazing. I feel like I want to ask how many of our relationships are based on needs? Beautifully expressed, Kehinde, it is easy to see how these issues and patterns play out in all our lives.
Kehinde, what I love is the realisation that you reached….that you matter and are worth being considered in every interaction – rather than putting others first. An always important and inspirational reminder. Thank you
To me the most challenging aspect I have seen with myself and others is that “taking responsibility”. It means that there is no one else to point the finger at and that where I ended up was because of my choices and not what i had previously perceived.
Thank you for sharing your unfoldment, Kehinde. The need to be needed – I know that one. It was a great accompaniment to my not wanting to be in the world. It disguised itself as the raison d’etre.
Kehinde your description of how you slowly lost your sense of self is very honest. This honesty is very inspiring and can help others to be honest as well . . .
I loved your story Kahinde, I can so relate to what you have said. I have been a helper and a pleaser most of my life, not wanting to have needs of my own, so I could be there for others. As long as I was needed I felt loved, or so I thought. But, all that has changed since coming to Universal Medicine and learning that there is a Me, that was love and needed to be loved, and then allowing that love, in it’s true expression to flow out to others.
Hi Kehinde. This is a blog I can relate to particularly when it comes to putting myself first. All my life I thought it was the right thing to put others needs and wants before mine so now through my connection to the teachings of Serge Benhayon I am learning that to truly love another first we need to love self.
Its a big step forward for you to put yourself in the picture and to not always put the needs of others ahead of your own. It will give you the freedom to unfold further your true self, and those around you will benefit from that reflection.
Great for you to claim that, a lot of decisions I make I know I am making it for another person, from what I perciece they may think of me if I do or don’t do something.
I can so relate to your blog Kehinde. The other day I stopped dead in my tracks and realised I was putting myself second to so many other people and things and that I could no longer do that, not even for another second. As you say .. it has been a life changing choice.
Beautiful Kehinde, ‘The most important learning for me was that I accept and love myself fully.’ This is what I am learning too, I am learning from experience that it is not selfish to accept and love myself first as society often teaches, but that actually by accepting and loving myself first I am then able to truly accept and love others.
I loved that sentence too and how by putting ourselves in the picture we in effect bring others into the picture too.
There is so much in this blog Kehinde, it must be so easy to feel the need to care for an elderly parent when other family members seem not to be but how fascinating that when you stepped away you gave the opportunity for others to step forward.
‘I matter, and take full responsibility for my life. This has been an amazing step forward’ – wow if only every child in the world heard these words, so that they don’t spend every minute of everyday trying to be something for other people and get approval. There is such strength and freedom in them.
Awesome! I haven’t read the hundreds of comments but I know for a fact that the majority will be right there with you Kehinde. How does it happen that we grow up disregarding ourselves completely? I often ponder that. When did we decide we didn’t matter, and why does everyone else get to matter first? I’m so grateful to have come to learn that it serves absolutely no one by putting them before me. I’m so aware of how much more service I can be to someone if I’ve looked after me first as I’m then free to bring all of me to them, rather than the exhausted martyr ‘good’ and ‘dependable’ girl I have been so much of my life.