by Lucy Dahill
The Esoteric Women’s Group (EWG) presentations have introduced a greater focus of self-care to my life. Over the years, this simple approach has meant I have been presented with some beautiful opportunities to change some of my old patterns which had left me exhausted and resentful, more often than not.
What has been shared in those groups were things I had started to connect to myself, but hadn’t realised their importance. Things like being tender with myself, noticing the roles I take on automatically, my monthly cycle and giving myself permission to pay close attention to all of it – even what my bra feels like to wear and how I set up my cupboards and drawers. None of the presentations were instructional; Natalie Benhayon simply shared how she lived. It was an opportunity to question the ‘norm’. I found the presentations brought a practical focus to what it is to be a woman. It sounds silly, doesn’t it?, that we need to be reminded of what it is to be a woman: but for those of us who have perfected the art of doing and being as un-female as possible because it might be perceived as weak, the undoing has to be a focus – a remembering of our natural way!
After each talk I would play with what had been presented until the next group – I wanted to see it for myself, to see how it could be for me, in my life. Since then I have re-ordered my drawers, my clothes, my bathroom, my bedroom and so much more… not because ‘Natalie said’, but because I love how it looks and feels.
I have been paying attention to these things for many years now and I didn’t appreciate what I had learnt and how much things have changed until old patterns started re-emerging and I was called back loudly by my own footprint of love! Before you say ‘what on earth does that mean?’ – let me give you an example…
I live in a house of 5 and have come to realise that we all have a different version of what tidy or clean looks like. In a shared house it seems to be based on what we are used to in our own spaces, primarily our bedrooms. I can tell how I am going by how ordered my space is, and when any of our bedrooms become messy I can see that lack of attention to detail or clearing away of our own things in other areas of the house. Sometimes I will just clear it away myself; other times I will get the person who made the mess to come back and clear it up themselves. I had been quite busy and had found I needed to be really efficient to keep on top of things so had returned to my pattern of “it will be quicker if I do it myself”. Thankfully that came back to bite me on the bum…
One day I went to my drawer to choose a t-shirt, and saw it in a mess. I remembered that I had said my daughter could borrow one of my t-shirts to wear to work one morning, and as I looked in my drawer I could see the ones she had tried on and rejected… they were just thrown back in, all crumpled and inside out. I felt so cross that somewhere I had come to feel a solid consistency of order was replaced by her disrespect for my space. I could have raged at her and blamed her, but as I stood there upset I realised that I might have some responsibility in this.
This had been a bit of a pattern. She had her bedroom all tidy but she would leave her stuff everywhere else. I had thought it would be the other way around and had previously decided I didn’t want to rock the boat so had let it slide, simply tidying up after her. Yet I realised she now didn’t see anything wrong with leaving my drawer open and the shirts all messed up because she was in a hurry. This wasn’t her disrespecting me on purpose – this was her putting the importance of her day ahead of respecting my space – I had allowed it before so why would I respond any differently now?
My not wanting to run the risk of ‘an issue’ had meant this pattern was now in my space – in my face! I had to do something about it now – it had crossed the line! Yet I realised that by my not having that simple conversation when these things happen, it often leads to Mount Vesuvius wanting to erupt when I do finally decide to speak up.
Now that I take more time to look after me, I notice when I have chosen to ignore these little things to keep the peace. I used to live in overwhelm all the time so needed to ‘pick my conversations’, but I was not overwhelmed anymore and it was time to have this conversation. Rather than erupt, I simply went downstairs and shared how yuck it was to open my drawer and see the consequence of her being late for work and that, should she want to borrow from me again, then she had to respect my space and leave it as she found it. There was a moment where she just looked at me, then she said “yeh, sure, sorry about that”. There was no drama, no need on my part for her to get it, no need on her part to defend. It was just saying something in the moment and moving on: it leaves me wondering if this is also part of self-care, and one to practice.
What this situation offered me was a moment to appreciate that what I had chosen to live for the past few years, was the foundation of love I had set for myself. Now there was more to see, there was a part of my relationships that was not equal to this love, and I had an opportunity now to see that and do something about it for us both.
I have a deep appreciation for Natalie Benhayon’s Esoteric Women’s Presentations and the many women who have shared their experiences over the years. It feels like we are supporting each other to build foundations so that in moments like these we can feel our own love feeding us back.
397 thoughts on “Esoteric Women’s Group: Supporting Each Other to Build Foundations”
‘Trying to keep the peace’ invariably results in heightened conflict sometime later. When we live in harmony with ourselves and others we can respond at the first ripple of disharmony so that harmony and equilibrium is restored.
Feels very inspiring the way you shared with your daughter how you felt by seeing your drawer in a mess. Your example remember me about how simple can be expressing ourselves like once we did as children. Thank you
Something I really love about Natalie Benhayon is that never I felt a ounce of instruction about how I should or shouldn’t live my life in her presentations. Like you Lucy I always felt inspired to see for myself how it is for me being the woman I am, free on any ideas I could get in the past about it.
I am coming to see that we can enable the sense of entitlement our children can have in the home by clearing up after them or allowing them to put their own agenda and or needs before that of anyone else. It is a strange thing to say when we know we have to look after ourselves before we can do that for another, but consider the difference in this situation – she was late for work, she could not find the shirt to wear, as a result she was rushing around in the last minute to find one and disrespecting the order or another. She didn’t find what she was looking for and the whirlwind continued to another space. This came from not looking after herself and prepping for what was to come in the first place which meant she was late and hence the whirlwind!
“This wasn’t her disrespecting me on purpose – this was her putting the importance of her day ahead of respecting my space” – I like this. This helps me to understand there’s another way to receive a situation where no one needs to feel victimized or made guilty in a situation. Thank you, Lucy.
Absolutely, if we take a moment to read the situation and not just react to it, what we often find is a much deeper understanding of the why so the focus is not just on the what.
If I look back on my life there were no true role models of what it is to be a woman. It wasn’t until I met Natalie Benhayon that I even contemplated that there was another way to live as a woman. I actually was very discontented I felt I had drawn the short straw I wanted to be a man because they seemed to hold all the cards of life. I had grown up feeling very much a 2nd class citizen, That has been blown out of the water as I now feel I have not only a place in the world but space to go with it. This feels very cool!
I can relate so much to that, you feel like you have drawn the short straw because what you see is men having it easier. When you scratch the surface you see no-one has it easier and the constant comparison and competition is poisoning us all.
I feel where we go wrong is we do not question what is considered to be the ‘norm’. Who said it was the ‘norm’? I know I have just gone along with what society wants and needs without questioning it for years. When I did start to wake up and question the ‘norm’, I soon realised that the normal we think is normal actually is not normal at all. We live completely opposite to how we should be living. How on earth did we manage to do that?
The consistency of our Livingness has to be what we walk and share, otherwise people get a different reflection to what we are presenting.
I remember when I was younger and wanted to borrow from my mum, she always let me and there was never any hesitation when I asked if I could borrow something. Sometimes, I would go through her stuff while she was at work because I didn’t know what to wear myself and often leave her drawers in a mess. She always knew that I was in her drawers because I could never leave it how she had left it. At some point we made it into a joke, but now I wonder whether she allowed this behaviour because she felt guilty for other areas in our lives, for not being the perfect mother that she had set herself to be, because she wasn’t ticking whatever box was there to tick. As children we can be very cruel to our parents, because we can sense exactly how much we can push the boundaries, what to say and do in order to get out of something, or to make sure that our parents back off just a little bit and we’re not told off etc.
That is very true, we read situations very clearly and simply as children and we know what we can get away with and how we can let them know we are cross with them.
Yep, I get a sense that our clairsentience can be used in a very manipulative way because if we are aware of our parent’s hurts & insecurities we can use them to our advantage to get whatever we want.
Lucy expressed very simply and beautifully to her daughter what had to be said, ‘ I simply went downstairs and shared how yuck it was to open my drawer and see the consequence of her being late for work and that, should she want to borrow from me again, then she had to respect my space and leave it as she found it.’
I’ve recently had some really great conversations about sharing something with love and how this feels for the other person, versus speaking up about something with reaction. If people feel judgement, expectation, blame, emotion, etc, it’s much harder for them to hear what’s being said because of the other negative things being communicated (even non verbally) which can feel like an assault. When people are spoken to with love and acceptance the truth is much easier to truly hear and then decide what to do with it, instead of reacting against it.
Yes and this takes practice because if we have been angry, resentful or perhaps even bitter about the fact that someone has been doing something for a long time and never said anything about it, then it is hard not to have all that bitterness and resentment coming through your body or your voice. We have to be kind to ourselves and know that our expression may not be quite what we want it to be until we genuinely let go of the expectations and the need but actually set a standard that we start to live by ourselves.
Very true Melinda, expressing with love is a skill worth mastering, ‘When people are spoken to with love and acceptance the truth is much easier to truly hear’.
I know many parents who have found “it will be quicker if I do it myself”. But does this support our young ones? Bringing up two boys as a single parent there was no way I could do it all myself. The dividend was shown up when both went to university. It became apparent that often they were the only ones in their flat who cleaned and could cook and could generally look after a household. .
I feel it’s responsible to give our kids life skills, to cook, wash clothing, clean, sew, garden, run errands, etc, as it’s more than learning a task it’s giving a sense of confidence and settlement in knowing how to handle the day to day running of life.
That is inspiring sueq2012 and should be the way we bring our children up, empowering them to be independent and have the skills to live on their own or with flatmates.
The Esoteric Women’s Group presentations offered me another perspective. They did not tell me what to do but gave me the opportunity to consider myself and the way I am with myself as a woman in a new light. From this a ripple effect occurs where you start to question the auto-pilot choices, perhaps the ones you absorbed from role models, school, religions etc and actually choose for yourself.
I find it’s the consistency that others feel and respect. I like to get annoyed at others when they disrespect something of mine or how the house is, but I need to ask myself have I been consistent with pulling this behaviour up or do I just let things slide and then make a big deal over it occasionally. When I bring the lack of care up to my family without reacting and talk about it, they get it and it gives them an opportunity to feel where they’ve been at… and vice versa for me too.
Yes, there is so much for us to learn from the way others behave when we communicate. Learning to read the situation and not take it personally means we all deepen in our understanding.
It is always important to express as soon as something needs attention, rather than leaving it thinking we are keeping the peace as it makes it harder to address later because the boundaries have already been broken. Yet when we do express with honesty and love, it is accepted more easily.
I like how you say the boundaries have been broken, it reminds me of having to keep fences in place to keep the deer out of the garden or the cattle in the field, if these are broken, and stay broken,then the cattle or deer if they want to can wander all over, there is nothing showing them any different any more.
Yes I like this analogy. I wonder if the other important consideration is that we need to maintain boundaries for clear communication both for ourselves and others, if not, how can we expect another to know the boundary when we might have forgotten where it lies too?
A great example Elaine of how important it is to have boundaries and to keep them in place.
Yes I am learning this one still. If I don’t express then resentment can build up and my expression comes out in a very unappealing manner!
Yes, the complexity that can be created from ‘keeping the peace’.
Not taking things personally, so we are able to come from and with love when we express is key, ‘This wasn’t her disrespecting me on purpose – this was her putting the importance of her day ahead of respecting my space’.
There is also a distinct lack of drama when you observe (and not absorb) a situation, review your part, and then feel what is needed next and respond to it (not react to it).
When we respond instead of reacting to what someone else has done, it really takes the sting out of what we deliver and people do indeed listen and learn more – just as your daughter did in this example Lucy.
For women to learn how to have a practical way of being a woman in today’s society is awesome because many women seem to have mixed up being equal and being a woman with doing everything the men are doing which is not really the point. It’s actually the complete opposite, to do things of course but in a way that cherishes the body, otherwise the body will become hard and in fight or flight mode which I think will bring a lot of complications to the body, so having practical tools sounds absolutely amazing and it will also help the men to restore what it means to be a man in today’s society.
Yes Matts, we have an opportunity to rebalance each other by re-discovering what it means to be a man and a woman in the world today.
When a situation occurs and you take the time to honestly look at if/how you had a role to play in it, I find the answer is usually a yes. How the rest plays out is usually quite different than when you dont do that and go totally into blame and accusations. Your blog is a fine example of taking the time.
It is always important to look at what was our part in a situation.
I love what is highlighted here that we set our own standards and that when we notice those things which do not feel right, often it’s that we’ve not been clear on that for ourselves, or in fact we’re seeing another area for us to deepen our self care and love. We can blame life, others or we can come back to us and see our next step of evolution.
Yes, without setting that foundation for ourselves first we have no benchmark for others’ behaviour towards us.
The Esoteric is all about helping us to build foundations in a way that we feel truly supported along the way. This is the only way to open up to what is presented and admitted into consideration with no fight along the way.
What I have found is that self-care and self-love is an ever-deepening thing. It’s not like you make a few self-caring choices and changes and stop there, because once you’ve made those changes, you’re then more aware of what feels good and what doesn’t – and the things that don’t, really begin to stand out. This is beautiful to feel because the more we love and care for ourselves, the more full of ourselves we are (in the best way, as in feeling our qualities to the max) and the more deeply we know ourselves, and can bring that love and care to others.
Yes, it doesn’t take words, it can be seen and self in our movements and the order we bring to our surroundings.
Ah, to be able to say what it is in the moment, with no judgment, and with no attachment to the outcome! That feels so lovely.
It can be so simple when we choose to come from love and understanding and not reaction, expressing how you truly feel without blame or guilt. and the response was “yeah, sure, sorry about that”, you were then both able to move on, no biggie.
Absolutely Jill, coming from love and understanding opens the situation up to be resolved and healed.
“There was no drama, no need on my part for her to get it, no need on her part to defend. It was just saying something in the moment and moving on.” This is the answer to many of our issues that we create in life, we hold things in and wait until we are in reaction and then say something but it comes loaded with our pent up frustration and then we wonder why we get a reaction back. This is something that I am learning to do and it makes such a different to the response I get from the other person.
To give permission to ourselves to have the initial simple conversation when something doesn’t seem ok: This seems to be a challenge for many of us, one worth unraveling even when it’s a little awkward, uncomfortable and not so simple to start, the more we do this the simpler it becomes.
I love how you understood the situation with your daughter Lucy. It is quite something to be so humble in such a situation and it shows how steady you are in yourself to not be caught in emotion and were able to observe and communicate.
When we put ourselves last and leave ourselves to get exhausted, resentment is right there behind the exhaustion..but only for as long as we allow it to be. The moment we move more gently, more lovingly, being with ourselves, instead of doing everything we can to not feel it, the exhaustion, and whatever else is in the mix, starts to loosen its grip.
I love the foot print of love – once grounded it is impossible to ignore and so true to address immediately no matter who, what, when, how, why, with the simplicity of a response.
I recently did a massive clear out of my wardrobe which took it to a whole new level. The change in everyone else’s relationship with their clothes and wardrobes has been interesting to observe – without saying or doing anything in their wardrobes it seems like there is more awareness of what is each of our styles.
Doing something we are afraid of – and the fear may simply be of a confrontation – can at times be very confirming and healing. At other times it is more of a learning experience as the fear may be justified.
“it will be quicker if I do it myself” – oh boy how many parents can relate to this one? I know I certainly can and yes in that moment it may well be quicker but in the long run as Lucy found out it isn’t. Seeing the future in the present is helping me enormously to respond to my children. It helps me see that I may as well address things in the present as leave them til later!
I agree, it is important to address things in the present, or they will keep coming round until we address them as was shown in this blog.
Thank you, Lucy for sharing, I know this one all too well “it will be quicker if I do it myself”, and I have long since learned that if we do this without addressing the situation, we can easily become resentful and overwhelmed. In those moments speaking up as you did was far more healing for both of you.
Great sharing Lucy and how awesome is it when we can see our own responsibility and once we do we can then more clearly communicate with others.
The small and often avoided conversations along the way lead to that eruption of emotion, but in truth if they can be lovingly had they will offer great development.
Yes, that is how resentments accumulate.
And then that energy is harmful for all.
When I started attending women’s group meetings in London I assumed I knew what it was to be a woman because I was one – how could I not know? It has been a beautiful shared process of delicately revealing to me the sacredness of the woman I am.
I really appreciate the reminder to be aware that it is my responsibility to accept disrespectful behaviour or not. I have in the past allowed abuse from others not realising how damaging even a little abuse is! As I learn to love and honour myself more, abuse is happening less and less.
How cool is this sharing. The fact that it is showing that we have a responsibility all of the time to not accept abuse. I can say that I have let things slide in the past, and wow this really shows how that does not support us or anyone else. And when we do all take care of what is our responsibility, then this forms part of a whole that feels amazing.
I can totally relate Lucy as recently I re-imprinted my whole wardrobe and drawers beautifully as I was inspired by a presentation by Natalie Benhayon, this was a whole new level of self-care and love for me and now I am blessed every time I open my wardrobe with ‘my own love feeding me back’ each time.
Wohooo, major celebration and congratulations. You will start and end your day with a love filled smackaroony (kiss!) each time you open the cupboards to get dressed or put your clothes away!!!
Natalie Benhayon’s presentations for women are super practical and very relatable. I have been inspired by her to also make changes in my life, it’s a step by step process but each new self-loving choice is delightful to feel and something to celebrate.
Understanding without judgement is super important to any behaviour change. As much as we may hate or detest or want someone to change their behaviour it is still something we cannot change. Only they can ever change their behaviour and when we judge it they feel even less inspiration to do so.
Teenagers are a great reflection of that, they can smell judgement a mile off, even before we have realised we are judging!
‘..Natalie Benhayon simply shared how she lived.’ The way we live is so powerful and has the ability to inspire others to connect to a truer way of living. This may sound simple and obvious, but it is profound because what we are communicating is energy and the quality of what we do – this is what inspires.
Yes, our commitment and consistency and then sharing from that lived experience. I am humbled to realise that this is a forever deepening relationship, because what I think is amazing and loving now, I may find to be full of tension and not very loving at all if I keep deepening my relationship with myself.
We usually identify radical change with radical measures. Yet, true radical change can only come from introducing truth in our bodies so our patterns of movement change. The introduction of truth can be the gentlest experience ever.
Very gentle but with seismic ripples! What I have learnt is the ripple effect of the simple changes I am making needs consistency in the movements, as that determines if the changes will stay or not. The ripples then stop being ripples and start being normal.
I loved how you asked your daughter to respect your belongings if she borrowed something in the future, a great way of getting her to take responsibility for her actions and at the same time leaving her space to feel, what she had done this time around.
Yes, in the past I would have raked over what she had done, but hey, what does that serve. This is about next time could you please ensure you leave it as you find it – if not better. I have realised they can be the ones who show me a greater level of self care.
It really is that we reap what we sow, there is no getting away from it, sometimes we may not feel the affect for some time and sometimes it will be instant.
Agreed, the quality we sow is the quality we reap and also allows for a quantity of life lived in that quality.
“Feel our own love feeding us back” great words Lucy, our own love when honoured as you did when you spoke to your daughter about your drawer opens us up to a greater awareness and a deepening of that love.
I leave pockets of love all around me to surprise me when I least expect it! It has been a bit of playfulness with myself. For example I will tidy the laundry cupboard so that whenever I go to it I smile at how completely awesome and ordered it is, the same with shelves in the kitchen. I don’t have time to do them all in one go so the pockets stand out and inspire me to complete another drawer, or another cupboard.
We all have a different idea of what neat and tidy looks like, that is true but it doesn’t mean that we stand by and avoid expressing what we feel about what happens in our shared space. The way you handled the whole situation was inspirational not to mention the way you apply tips from Natalie’s presentations to your own world. Great approach and a great way to learn more about yourself.
Shared spaces can reveal a tension, and I appreciate the foundation you offer Lucy, on how to observe what is happening and respond with the equalness of love that was already present rather than react at the level of disturbance that was created.
It has taken me a very long time to realise this but when you set a standard and it is from love not control, then the disrespect another brings to a space stands out. It is not about controlling an environment to keep it tidy, it is about setting a standard for a space and everyone clocking how lovely the space feels (without being ‘told’ how lovely the space feels!). From that moment you have an imprint everyone has clocked and that is what helps the standard be lived by others.
So gorgeous Lucy and so real – choosing the foundation for our own self-care and confirming the ripple effect this has on every area of our lives. Once it meets another’s self-care it can be a moment of tension, but the loving honesty you offered is so clear that it allows for everyone to simply appreciate the truth.
Yes, and what inspires me back is when I see one of them bring order to their room and their space for themselves, not because anyone told them to. You can feel the ripple effect in the house.
This blog is a great reminder of the fact that nothing we leave behind truly is left behind when not acted on. It comes around again and again until we make the choice to commit to the truth and take our responsibility.
Absolutely Benkt – we are constantly confronted with our choices, this may be uncomfortable until we choose to live more Soulfully, then we are blessed by our choices.
Yes I agree, we are constantly reminded of our choices because they re-appear again and again until we take responsibility and complete the lesson! Very frustrating to know there is so much love the universe will not allow it to go on. Funnily enough it makes me consider that perhaps this is what is missing in our parenting, a consistent reflection of the standard that is needed.
It’s wonderful that you share this so openly Lucy for us all, thank-you. I’ve also found that after every presentation from Natalie Benhayon, I’ve implemented changes in my own life – not as any ‘have to’s’ whatsoever, but what she’s shared has been felt so deeply as our ‘natural way’ as you’ve stated here, that things have ‘rippled through’ into how I am in my own daily routines and the love and care I actually bring to myself in this.
We have strayed so far from what it is to truly honour the women, and men, that we are, and yet it is actually quite simply to embark upon re-embracing and indeed living, what we know within to be true, eternally so…
Yes, we have strayed so far from what is normal for us as women, the simple honouring of tenderness and delicateness. I am so appreciating all the reflections and reminders from each other and from nature to re-connect to that which is innately within.