by James Nicholson BNat, Somerset, England
The origins of the word abuse come from the Latin abus – ‘misused’; from the verb abuti, from ab – ‘away’ (i.e. ‘wrongly’) + uti ‘to use’. Yet we see that the law defines abuse as ‘the mental or physical mistreatment of a person, frequently resulting in serious emotional, mental, physical, and/or sexual injury’. In my mind, when I think of abuse I used to think of it as domestic violence – a man beating his wife; or sexual abuse, with the extreme connotations that I had been conditioned to think of it.
So what is it that we define abuse to be? Surely it should not only be any extreme action, and how can we define ‘serious’? Words and their meanings, over time, get changed to suit what we en-masse would like them to mean or define. Could it be possible that abuse, or being abusive towards another or ourselves, is simply any act, gesture, thought etc. that is not coming from and with love. From the Latin where the word takes its origins it could be expanded to be a mis-use of energy.
If we were to take this definition as being a possibility, then it would and does expose the level of abuse I have been with myself and with others. I could then say all my relationships, including friendships, have been abusive. Yet this level or form of abuse as a whole we put down to being ok, normal and an acceptable part of life… at least I certainly did.
The problem we here come to is that levels of abuse in relationships are seen as ok. We have graded abuse and put it into categories, we use excuses for it. Since when was it acceptable to treat a partner or family member any differently to someone else simply because it is behind closed doors? Since when is it ok to vent all your anger and frustration that you have, un-dealt with, towards those closest to you? Is it because you know you will get away with it … but still why on earth would you want to treat those closest to you, those that you hold dearest to you, at times with such distaste and utter contempt? I know my mum over the years has copped a lot from me.
What causes us to be abusive? Could it be that one of the causes of our abusive tendencies can be simply expressed as ‘a reaction to our unexpressed thoughts and emotions that we would have liked life or situations to be, being expressed at a later date’ – so it is like a venting, a coping mechanism. Whether it be getting really annoyed during a conversation, and not really saying what you felt to say, then leaving the room and slamming the door. With the resulting displacement of energy sending shudders through yours, and whoever else’s body that is nearby.
There are countless examples of what I would now call abuse which prior to my involvement with Universal Medicine I would have seen as an acceptable norm. For me anything that does not come with love is abuse. Any hidden agenda, form of control, any remark or action that is not loving, is abusive. Why do we allow it to go to more extreme forms of abuse before we do anything about it? What is it that allows us to let ourselves and others get away with it?
Whilst I am not here trying to present any answers, simply possibilities, could it be that underneath it all we have not committed to love, and nothing but love, as our foundation, our basis of life. If we were to, then surely anything that is not love will stand out like a sore thumb.
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
I think many of the reactions we experience when we talk about abusive behaviours, in any form, come from us resisting love and by that resisting being more of ourselves. When we are in relationships, be it with a partner or in a friendship there is always a constant calling to be more of ourselves.
That is very true.. When we have such movements, it shows us that underneath — we have unresolved layers that do not hold truth or the love in our lives that we are worth. Meaning that we have empty pockets, where doors are no longer sealed, but an entry for the lovelessness. Hence, The Way of the Livingness simply proves a supportive way of living (with practical everyday tools) how to build more love and truth in your foundation in your life. So that the emptiness gets filled up by our own choice to bring love back in. How profound and powerful is that?
“Why do we allow it to go to more extreme forms of abuse before we do anything about it? What is it that allows us to let ourselves and others get away with it?” Great questions to ponder on. Could the constantly making excuses for ourselves and others when there is any form of abuse, be from not wanting to deepen the love for ourselves and therefore not deepening the love, openness and intimacy with the other person. Each person is affected, the one being abusive and the one accepting the abuse, it is the same poison. Both are abusing themselves.
It appears to me that the starting point of abuse, the little forms of abuse many of us inflict on ourselves every day, has been overlooked with the focus on the more ‘shocking’ abuse that we see reported regularly. But isn’t abusing ourselves in any form, minor or otherwise, shocking? So perhaps going back to the beginning, back to when we are young, is the place to start to begin to understand why anyone would want to abuse themselves or another in the first place.
There is opt out we often use, where we think our level of abuse is somehow fine, but we’re avoiding the responsibility of who we are – we’re made of love, yet we live in a way that is less than that love and we at times see that as our right, in fact we can champion it. The truth here is we want to do things on our terms, in our time and we do not want to face the fact that we’ve championed abuse because it’s suited us. There’s an honesty needed here to see and feel that the abuse we’re tolerated adds to the cesspool of abuse all of us as a humanity can access. We need to start cleaning up in our own back yards.
You are so right in saying that anything that is not love is abuse. There seem however to be many different levels of severity of abuse, all depending on our own past, and our current sensitivity to what is not true. A wise man has said that what is not loving is harming.
When reading through your words James it becomes clear that not expressing our truth results in the abuse we have in the world. We learn to deal with things and all find a way and flavour we seemingly favour or that ‘suits’ us, but with that we basically invite abuse in as we open the door for endless versions of how life could be that however has nothing to do with the truth we know deep down – our natural way of being.
We tend to think of ab-use as an action primarily directed to someone else aimed at imposing something through force (physical or otherwise). The action targets the body and its energetic makeup. It targets the target’s particles. It is about bringing them together as much as possible, so the person feels just human and re-acts from there. Yet, you cannot ab-use other unless you have ab-used yourself first. Ab-use is therefore, an action executed from someone who is divine but chooses to play human to make sure that someone else who is also divine acts humanly.
What I got from reading this blog today, is that abuse is a result of those moments where we do not accept the love that is on offer each day. Every time we reject that which is being offered, is abuse to our being and all the people we live with.
As human beings we tend to use a sliding scale for what we call abuse or not, while in truth there is only one truth and that is simply abuse is when we act or behave not from love.
The thing is, we actually do know what is abusive, we feel it deeply. We just don’t register that we do, until we choose to consider what is shared in this article.
As I move continually, on a daily basis deeper into the love that is inside of me I become aware of another layer of abuse, that maybe just yesterday, I would have classed as normal. This awareness is a very personal one for each of us and only comes to light when we take steps towards the love we are that this article brings to our attention.
There are layers and layers to this I am starting to unravel. How willing are we to see we have been abusive to those we love? When you talk about the low levels of abuse we have taken as normal, acceptable and just OK like “so it is like a venting, a coping mechanism” then I have had a few when I have been tired, irritable, stressed, rushed. None of them have been OK and yet when you let one little one slide what is to say you don’t let the next, and the next and the next till it is much larger?
It almost seems like the more people avoid expressing the love that is naturally and innately inside of them from birth, the more they resort to abusive behaviours to vent their frustration or resentment for dealing with their own hurts in this destructive way.
This is a beautiful pondering on what abuse really is. I love the wording ‘a mis-use of energy’. This makes it so clear that every move I make that is not founded in love will be abusive.
We flippantly use the term abuse to think of what we receive from, or do to another, but since when is abuse just this? We are way more abusive with ourselves than we truly realise and given our limited scope of what we term abuse, it would seem we are also trying to cover up the fact.
Could it be that we have not committed to love – this is true for me. I was oblivious to how energies play out and that there was a choice to be made. I allowed whatever came through me to act it out as my ‘personality’ or ‘temperament’ and claimed that there was nothing I could do and it was others’/circumstance’s fault that I would be that way. And I am aware if I am not consciously choosing love, I would still let it slip and allow abuse. It is a relationship that needs to be built consistently and diligently, and it is a commitment.
It is easy to see the abusive behaviours that are glaringly obvious, but not see the small steps of abuse that lead up to the extreme behaviour. As we start to bring self love and self care into our lives, our understanding of abuse expands to the point where we realise that anything that does not come from love is abusive.
This brings to light the total responsibility we all hold in the way we are with ourselves and to heal our hurts, as from this point the way we relate to others and the world is determined and magnified. As the fact is that our bodies are moved by the quality we are aligning to, the quality we allow to move us. And if it is not love, it is loveless, which is abusive to who we are in essence.
On another note, while reading this so many relationships and interactions came to mind and how I can clearly see they are abusive…. yet I sat here feeling thirsty and needing to use the washroom. As it is said ‘same same’ just different… or less severity but still abuse.
I could have written something about every line you wrote James, powerful stuff! This though stood out the most for me because it is such a sneaky form of abuse, “Any hidden agenda, form of control, any remark or action that is not loving, is abusive.” that is often overlooked and masked sometimes as ‘caring’ and being dutiful.
I agree James anything that is not love is abuse.
After becoming a student of Universal Medicine and studying there for some years I too have come to this awareness, but before that I was not aware and allowed a lot of abuse in my life I then accepted as being normal. That said means that as people we can have a different experience with abuse and what we call abuse or not, all dependent of how much we allow ourselves to be aware.
These days I just love being me even with all my imperfections. And when I do make a mistake I learn form it and move on, whereas the old me would have went into self-bashing…. love does make life fuller, sweeter and richer and in choosing love the tap is always open.
This is a learning. Learning to be imperfect and be OK with that. I am not sure where the need to be perfect comes in but perhaps it is in the energy that says we are never enough because we know we have stepped away from the all we were made from (Love) to a lesser form of living that is striving to go somewhere, rather than surrendering back to the Love we are from.
‘we have not committed to love, and nothing but love, as our foundation, our basis of life’. My hands go up here, but I am re-imprinting my wayward way, and choosing more responsibility, and as I do, I can feel so much more love for myself – which means I have more love to share – which means the more I will be given!
There is a fair bit of push back with using the word abuse because we have benchmarked it as being an extreme, but we need to bring it back to the level you have said here, paying attention to the small moments that gather momentum to be abuse.
Before Universal Medicine I didn’t even consider what is said here as a possibility. I mean it didn’t even come up as a possibility or question. I just accepted life as it was and did my best to get on with it, even though I could see things were getting worse I just hoped that it wouldn’t be as bad for me. Turning a ‘blind eye’ has never worked and in fact it has seemingly made things larger and I still don’t have a clear definition or what ‘abuse’ truly is. I can tell you what I think it is at this point and yet my awareness around this word and how it plays out in life is continually changing. Even as I sit here there is a consideration of how this word or how these actions play out in life. We can no longer just bandaid things and in that the people around Universal Medicine are going deeper to ‘out’ things like this in their lives and not just being part of an existence that is seemingly continually walking over them.
My understanding of abuse so far has supported me to see where abuse is present in my life and learning to expose it more and more. Being more loving with myself has supported me to say no to abuse and to being open to recognising what is abuse no matter how small or large.
So many words have been bastardised or changed in their meaning to hide the fact that what we are living is far removed from the essence that we are. If we make abuse about excess and violent behaviours instead of all that is not loving then we can call the low grade abuse love.
Is it in a way not deeply sad that we hold abuse as normal and is far more familiar to us than true love?
The perceived privacy of ‘behind closed doors’ is one of the biggest indicators to me of a behaviour I need to change. How prepared are we to not live in this way? From what we see in the world today we really need to ask what are the consequences of me not choosing to live more aware of the harm that is done when I do not live from and with love in a way that does not see the borders of my walls as an excuse to change my behaviour.
And with this understanding we can allow ourselves to turn towards love and make it a marker in our life, simply always living by the deepest love we know, which then will deepen with every move we make.
Our level of what we consider to be abusive does change, the more we turn up the love and treat ourselves with more love, care and respect. The more we make all our choices about love, the more the abusive ones stand out, and start to feel less normal and more uncomfortable.
Where there is love and “nothing but love” there is no space for abuse of any form. But in the world we live in today there are few that live the love that they naturally are so leaving so much space for abuse to flourish in. And it doesn’t matter if the form of abuse is considered to be minor, it is still abuse filling a space that is calling out for love instead.
I agree Brendan, beginning the conversation about abuse is what is needed in the community to bring more awareness to the subtle and not so subtle forms of abuse.
Learning through Universal Medicine presentations that “anything that does not come with love is abuse” has brought about a huge level of tenderness and love into my life.
Why are we abusive? I feel it is because we have unresolved hurts and the abusive action stems from protection in reaction to protect us from feeling those hurts.
‘For me anything that does not come with love is abuse’. Spot on James, so many have come to accept abuse as a ‘norm’ in society, but it is far from normal to be harming ourselves and others with abuse in any form.
It’s such an important conversation as abuse is prolific in human life now. If we have a marker that says anything that is not love is abuse, then we can begin to see abuse in all of its subtleties – including self abuse. If we categorise violence as abuse but not rudely speaking to one another, which is perhaps one of the beginning foundations for physical abuse, then we allow abuse to proliferate because atrocities grow from such subtleties.
Abuse is the violation of life and all form and can ultimately be traced back to self-abuse and its acceptance.
Yes indeed when we express anything less than love we are being abusive to ourselves and others but firstly we are as a society are not ready for that level of responsibility, and secondly we don’t even live or know what true love is. True love does not have one ounce of emotion – Unimedpedia defines it here: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-love.html
In order to change the current status of the word abuse, we must raise the bar. The deeper and more loving we are with ourselves, the less likely we are to treat anyone else with anything but love. So, it is for us as a collective society to lift the current standards and pave the future way of what is acceptable and normal behavior towards ourselves and one another and what is not.
Yes I agree Sarah, we have to lift the bar of what is acceptable, what is loving and not devalue loving, caring, tender behaviour because it has become less valued. It is us, as a collective society that allows that to happen, for the bar to be lowered so let’s, as a collective society raise it back up – by lived example.
The reasons that we have all allowed the bar to drop so low, are of course varied but I know personally, I like to inter-change the word Love and Right and this has contributed to the lowering of the world bar. My classic approach is…, well I told that person what I felt was the right thing to say, this is how I justify myself but in truth I should be asking myself, is what I have just said LOVE? Every time I open my mouth, I should ask myself is this love? This type of program is free and will be a game changer.
Oh I want to put myself on that one Sarah, it would hold me to a new bar!
Yes is human life normal or have we lowered the bar on what is acceptable and changed the meanings of what it means to be abusive? Is it true that abuse only exists in the extremes or are we avoiding cleaning up the mess that a so-called normal human life creates?
Anything that we have chosen which is not in respect to our bodies is abuse felt, and it will be abuse hurled.
The unpacking of what is abuse and how I have perpetrated it is a hard pill to swallow, but nevertheless it needs unpacking, it needs every ounce of abuse to self and abuse to others to be seen, for once it is seen it can be resolved.
Yes and that is where love comes into it isn’t it Heather. When we start to see what we have done we can be wracked with guilt and shame – well I have been. The way through that and to learn to address it in a different way is to understand why we did what we did, to bring an awareness of the steps that ended up in that behaviour and to see the behaviour as the end result of movements, choices, not dealing with the original wound etc rather than the issue in itself.
What you have presented here James is normal behaviour of most people and abuse as the accepted norm. If we really explore this abuse it is there from the time we open our eyes in the morning to the time we close our eyes at the end of the day. When we really ponder on our day, it is another cause to exhaustion and then we turn to stimulating vices to keep us going – another form of abuse. This cycle is never ending until we make the decision to break it.
Since 2014 when I first met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine it became more apparent how abusive I was to myself and others. And everyday I see more and more of the subtleties of abuse and the antidote is Love nothing fancy, just love that is within us all. With consistency and taking more and more responsibilities and accountability, I am re-imprinting and replacing abuse with love and providing that reflection to others, they can but not ignore it. What they decide with this reflection is their choice and responsibility.
How committed are we to love? How consistently committed are we to love? For in fact if we’re not we allow abuse somewhere, and if we commit to love then indeed any abuse stands out like a sore thumb, ready and waiting for us to bring love to it. Abuse is the absence of love, how willing are we to see that?
Great blog James. Reactions are not love, thus even the smallest reaction, is abuse.
“anything that does not come with love is abuse” this is one of the profound teachings I have learned from Universal Medicine and the starting point is with me and how I treat myself and therefore everyone else and the Universe I share with all.
‘Anything that does not come with love is abuse.’ Thank you James this blog highlights the way we have made a lot of abuse in society ‘normal’, which has led many to accept even more abuse and a lesser version of love that has harmed many, many people. It is time we take responsibility for any abuse in our own lives and choose to heal this as this reflects to others there is a different way and that abuse is no longer acceptable in any way, shape or form.
This is something as a society we need to look at, continually exposing those deeper and less obvious forms of abuse and eradicating them. It’s the comparison between abuses and their subtlety or extremity that allows so much abuse to exist, for example if it’s not as bad as being bashed then it’s ok. Coming back to love we realise no form of abuse is ok.
The etymology of words is always a great resource to use to understand what a word was meant to represent when it was first used. To contrast this with our current practices and understandings of it is always an interesting exercise that tells us how much we have walked away from what the word truly represented.
I have recently come to understand that abuse can also mean different things for different people. It doesn’t mean it is always outwardly abusive in the way we’ve come to think of that word, but in essence if something does not come from the true love we are, then it is abusive to all around, and to ourselves.
James you bring up some great points here, abuse is abuse no matter what form it takes. We have come to categorise abuse and make out some abuse is unacceptable which allows other forms of abuse to be acceptable when the truth is No form of abuse is acceptable no matter how small it may be.
“Could it be possible that abuse, or being abusive towards another or ourselves, is simply any act, gesture, thought etc. that is not coming from and with love. “this is a huge statement James encompassing everything in life, i like the words ‘ misuse of energy, I too have lived a life of abuse with myself and others, the mere fact that I have not lived from the love I now know myself to be means that anything apart from that love has been abusive, thank you for a great sharing.
If we don’t accept any abuse within ourselves it will be natural not to accept it from others.
A well-informed summary of abuse – well written James. I would like to read more about abuse and unpick it bit by bit like James has. It’s something in this world that is rife and deeply entrenched in our relationships. As it has been concluded for now – abuse is anything that is not the energy of love. It makes a whole lot of sense to end abuse by committing to having a love-filled relationship with yourself.
The way we interrupt the word “abuse” is so extreme these days: anything that is not extreme can be written off as not serious, I am so glad Universal Medicine is educating us all to raise the bar on how we treat others and ourselves.
As we live the truth of love, it becomes impossible to accept anything less than that.
“For me anything that does not come with love is abuse”
The more love that is built in the body the more you are aware of what abuse is. What is not of this love is abuse.
Is abuse simply what comes in when we have chosen not to chose love?
Such a great point about our level of commitment toward Love and how if depending on that will depend on the level we are willing to abuse another without responsibility. If we didn’t feel so entitled to blaming others for our choices, that we conveniently claim are not ours, we’d certainly be living with a whole greater level of respect for one another.
To admit such would highlight to what extent we have not chosen to be Love, right down to the smallest details. I know I am a ways off this but it does help bring understanding to a current relationship where I feel a deeper level of abuse but they do not see it as abuse. It comes down to our own levels of responsibility which differs from each person.
Not being honest with another about how you feel in any situation is abusive. This is something that I have clocked recently. Honesty is a first step to deepening our relationships with one another and if we are not choosing this everyday, then we are essentially abusing each other, for we know that there is more to our relationships. Otherwise they stay in a situation where they are empty and there is no growth, no love. If there is no love there is only abuse.
‘Could it be possible that abuse, or being abusive towards another or ourselves, is simply any act, gesture, thought etc. that is not coming from and with love. From the Latin where the word takes its origins it could be expanded to be a mis-use of energy’. Most definitely James, this feels totally true to me. Great blog.
Actually you can describe not being love and living from there as abuse, as we come from love and anything lived less than that is not only abusive to our wellbeing but also to all others we are with. While maintaining an abusive behavior we actually are the examples and excuses for others to do the same and behave in the same loveless way as that is what we are showing to the world.
‘For me anything that does not come with love is abuse’ – so true James, well said.
There is so many subtle ways we can cause abuse to ourselves and others, a topic I explored yesterday with a friend. One of the suggestions was when we get out of sorts and start to react, it can be because a picture we have in our head, an image or story we have created isn’t coming to life like me might want it to. If we are creating a scenario of how things should be, what is it we are actually avoiding being in appreciation, acceptance and understanding of – that we want to create another reality?
When we define abuse in gross terms we immediately create an acceptable norm that is anything other than these gross acts. If we see abuse as physical violence, forced sexual activity, theft, imprisonment and the like, we ‘give permission’ to apparent lesser forms of abuse by default. What we must come to realise though, is that abuse begins in small ways, with what we see as less impactful loveless acts towards both ourselves and others and that these gross manifestations are simply the more overt reflections of abuse. The fact is ‘abuse begins at home’, in our own choices to not be self-loving. When we address our own lack of self-love, then we will naturally address abuse too.
My level of what is abusive has changed, what was once normal is now seen as abusive. Even small behaviours, ways of communication with others if done in a non loving way is abusive.
Great definition – abuse is anything that is not love. So simple.
I agree – by reducing the meaning of a word, we keep deceiving ourselves into allowing what is less as the accepted normal. For us to be able to mis-use something, really, we must know the right use we are trying to undo, there feels to be deliberateness. As for myself, I can say ‘I didn’t know this’ but now I know ignorance is a choice, just like awareness is a choice available to us.
“could it be that underneath it all we have not committed to love, and nothing but love, as our foundation, our basis of life?” Yes very likely James, and therefore have allowed a level of abuse to the point that we now wait for extreme physical and emotional violence to consider anything as truly unacceptable and reportable. The fact that I used ‘truly unacceptable’ indicates just how conditioned I am to accept a level of unacceptable. Unacceptable is graded with levels of severity going against the actual meaning of the word!
The more energetically responsible we become . . . meaning being aware of what we are bringing with our every thought, deed and word . . . making sure each of these movements is truly loving . . . the more we will recognise abuse, even in its mildest forms is commonly considered normal behaviours by most . . . as anything less that love is felt as abuse to the cells of our body as we are made of love so it makes sense that any energy less than love is an assault . . . the difference is more obviously felt the more loving we become as we also at the same time become more aware of abuse no matter how subtle others think it is.
I too have redefined what abuse means to me. I can’t believe what I used to accept as normal behaviour both from me and from others. I’m embarrassed at the way I used to treat people thinking it was ok to be that way.
We make a deal in the level of love we allow for ourselves and that can change with time, where we become more loving and often less abusive. I used to hear an expression that says we take a level of abuse from another that we give to ourselves and it’s only when another goes beyond that, or that we’ve decided to abuse ourselves less that we often do something about it – so we set the standards of our own acceptance of abuse. We need to take this broader and understand that any abuse we allow whether with ourselves, from others or around us is not to be tolerated, as abuse begets abuse and indeed my tolerance of a little abuse is on the same scale as any of the severe abuse that may exist in the world. We are love innately, and we’re here to learn to live and express that love, and abuse has no part in that whatsoever.
One day, someone should write on how damaging it is to have legal definitions of a problem that set a threshold that in many cases is simply too high and leave a lot of garbage under the rug so to speak that is not even considered to be a problem although it is.
I love the title and flavour of this blog, “abuse my understanding so far”. It brings us all back to have a look at what we see as abuse and not abuse. The word itself and the way we use it will continually need to be redefined as we walk further back into where this all started. This already gives you an image of us going somewhere with it and if I say ‘return’ then again I have an image of going somewhere. What if with things like abuse we didn’t need to go anywhere but at the same time move continually in a way that supports love truly. What if the cycle of abuse wasn’t made about abuse but made about a continual deepening expression of love? What if we have an image, like I do that at some point it all stops? If I say someone’s abusing me and bring it out into the open then it should stop. If I move out of this relationship and leave it behind then it all stops. What if this is a never ending play out of seeing abuse and bringing more love? Are we ready to walk every step in love truly and from there see the layers and layers of abuse, or are we wanting it to end or see it stopping as the rest point somewhere in the future? It could be possible that looking for an end point or a stop to abuse is a trick and feeds the abuse. I am not saying don’t end or complete parts that you see but always be ready to see more, to bring more awareness and deepen love truly. That’s why I love this title, “abuse my understanding so far” it’s not about ending or stopping but recognises or is aware of the layers or work to be done.
Yes I agree, that is a major challenge and why I too like the premise of this blog. We are constantly deepening our understanding of this area of what is abuse and what is not, and re-defining what is love and what is not. It is such a personal experience as we have all developed guards and protection that is a reaction to what we have all experienced individually in our lives to date. To work on the premise that anything that is not love is abuse is the place to start but heavens…it certainly opens a can of worms and support to not get overwhelmed by what is seen and felt is essential in this process.
” Why do we allow it to go to more extreme forms of abuse before we do anything about it? What is it that allows us to let ourselves and others get away with it? Whilst I am not here trying to present any answers, simply possibilities, could it be that underneath it all we have not committed to love, and nothing but love, as our foundation, our basis of life.” These are powerful questions. We find it normal to use it to manipulate and control others to do what we want or need them to do and if they don’t we resort to abusive actions that get worse over time. Could this be an addiction to being in control?
Once we start to focus on being more loving and more caring with ourselves we naturally start to uncover the not so loving and uncaring moments in our life and with every step we can claim back a more loving way of living.
What I can sense from reading this blog is that it is because I am not always supporting myself in a loving way and in that I mean, compared to the simple physical caring for myself on a bodily level which I do quite well. I tend to not take care so much when I am in a abusive environment where I allow that to continue because I do not want myself to get involved. But how absurd it is to think this way when I consider that we are all one and connected to one another, how can I then say, sorry guys, I am not part of this, sort this out yourselves first and then I will be part of it again. To behave myself as such is allowing the abuse that is there to continue, continuously affecting not only the people involved, but all of society, myself included.
Learning to address and transform my self abusive ways has been key to deepening the relationship with myself and to opening my eyes wide to all the other pockets of abuse that exist in my life. When we say ‘no’ to all forms of abuse we set a new standard of living that empowers and support others to also make this loving choice.
Thank you James for your sharing on abuse, this is huge when we realise that if love is not behind all that we say and do and live it is abuse, it gets down to the not so obvious abuse such as holding back, and hiding from what we are here to share.
Any movement away from the quality of love we all are in essence is abuse. The quality of the relationship we hold with ourselves is the quality of relationship that we share with others. Our willingness to be honest about what is loving and what is not is what brings awareness to the quality of energy we are choosing to move in, as dishonesty itself is a form of abuse. When we are separation from the quality of our love we are in separation from truth, through which we have already given permission for ourselves to exist in a quality of energy that diminishes who we are in essence.
Hi Carola, I like it that you are talking about permission which we can give ourselves in two ways. Compared to what you say, to give permission to abuse in our lives, in the same way we can give ourselves permission to be love and connected to the all in everything that we are and from there no abuse will have a place to exist.
Thank you for sharing your understanding of abuse so far… my understanding of abuse these days is very different to what I would have considered abuse previously. “Any hidden agenda, form of control, any remark or action that is not loving, is abusive.” You can feel the energy of abuse even if no words are spoken.
Very clever analogy James, and made me think more on the word itself and what it truly means – i.e. to mis-use.
James this is a brilliant blog and you raise many important points about abuse and how as a society many have accepted abusive behaviour as the ‘norm’. It is crazy that abuse to ourselves and others has become normalised, no wonder so many are depressed and miserable as we are accepting a lower standard of living that is simply not loving in anyway. Thank you for being in awareness to this topic and beginning a much-needed conversation on the true harm of abuse.
Thanks James, what you say… “words and their meanings, over time, get changed to suit what we en-masse would like them to mean or define” is so true. The word abuse is one great example and we, as a society, suffer enormously for it. It never occurred to me before listening to Serge Benhayon and the Ancient Wisdom Teachings, that the bastardisation of a word can have such enormous ramifications.
I had not considered the true meaning of the word ‘abuse’ until I sat and listened to a presentation given by Serge Benhayon. What Serge presented I knew within my body was true, that anything done towards the self and others that was not from love was indeed abuse but it felt huge as it got me to question how I was with myself and others in every moment.
I too used to think of abuse as being the more extreme acts however I now understand and can feel in my body that abuse is anything that is not loving or honouring of myself or all others. This puts life in a whole different perspective and I can now see that where I accept and allow abuse eg. not speaking up when someone makes a sexist joke, overeating, dumping my frustrations about work onto my nearest and dearest….., I am also accepting and allowing more extreme abuse such as female genital mutilation (FGM) and rape. That might seem a big leap but when you feel the energy that is behind a sexist joke and FGM, they are the same, so if I start saying no to the former and do not tolerate abuse of any kind, this will have a direct impact on FGM as the energy behind it is not being supported so strongly anymore. Imagine if millions of people felt the same and started to realise how powerful it is to not accept even the so-called smallest of abuses – there would be very little supporting the many atrocities that happen all the time so they would not be able to continue.
Love your sharing of your growing awareness regarding the true meaning of abuse and your parting question “could it be that underneath it all we have not committed to love, and nothing but love, as our foundation, our basis of life? If we were to, then surely anything that is not love will stand out like a sore thumb.”
Yes James, we have a way to go before our laws catch up with the real meaning of ‘abuse’. Imagine that, raise your voice at someone in anger and you get a fine! Sounds ridiculous but if we consider that this means we recognise it is behaviour that is not only wayward for the person expressing it, but harmful to the one being shouted at, then we will have come a long way back to our origin as Sons of God. It would also reflect the fact we are responsible for our expression and there are consequences to not living that.
It was great to read your sharing again James and take in more of what you share here. I feel there is much truth in what you write, especially where we verbally or physically abuse those supposedly ” closest” to us. There is a saying “familiarity breeds contempt” (dislike or disregard, my dictionary reads) that perhaps really is an excuse to vent without truly expressing to the person that needed to hear what we had to say! Therefore protecting ourselves as the nice or compliant person to the outside world, when in truth this is not the case! Expression really is everything as shared by Serge Benhayon.
James this blog is truly ground breaking. I can see I have accepted abuse because it has suited me i.e if I don’t call others to account I don’t have to call myself to account. I know that anything that is not love is abuse and I am eternally grateful to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for the way they have supported me to understand what living in a loving way looks like.
What you share here James; “for me anything that does not come with love is abuse”, feels for me to be the basic principle on this subject. That means that when we live in disconnection from the love that we are all originally from we live in abuse, and that is so much more respectful and honouring to who we truly are than the definition that is comfortably held in mainstream society on abuse to be.
I agree James, the benchmark for what I feel as abuse continues to change as I do, what I once considered perfectly ok, can feel jarring and violent to my very being today. There is a great deal to be understood about the true nature of abuse, and the true marker we all have within our bodies for registering the smallest degree of it. The fact it is now considered only to refer to a significant expression of violence today is an indictment of how far we have gone from what love is as a known state of being in the body. It is only from this that we can clearly feel what is not of that same love, and is therefore abusive.
The more we connect,care and respect with our bodies the more we can identify what does not come from love and either bring understanding for the other of why they do what they do or remove ourselves from the firing line as a self-loving choice.
There is a lot to respond to here James, and I feel that the pictures we hold of how we want life to be and look have a lot to do with abuse. When we depend on life and others to be a certain way and they aren’t this can catalyse quite a reaction, which can lead to words and actions that are definitely not loving. I keep coming back to the fact that of we are not living in connection to our essence life is already feeling like a struggle, it’s loveless by that simple fact of separating from who we are, so abuse in all its forms has a firm foundation from that separation.
I can relate to everything here, and also to knowing as a little girl what love felt like and how everyone around me felt like they had stepped away from love. We’ve falsely made love a special thing that happens in families or couples, but it’s really an everyday thing that can emanate out of us and be felt by all in every choice we make, and be shared equally with everyone. The bastardisation of the word love and it’s meaning is directly related to the normality of abuse in daily life.
Abuse is not honouring my feelings, abuse is staying silent, abuse is not honouring how precious, sensitive and all knowing we are. For me the karma of choosing, allowing and accepting abuse in my life and my body, and not speaking up for truth and humanity is really evident in my life just now. It’s not always plain sailing, there can be rough waves, and stormy seas, but clear and still afterwards. For me it’s a learning to see the bigger picture and understand the part I have played in this, that this is lifetimes old, not just this lifetime. But also not giving myself a hard time, having a picture of how I or things should be, being very tender with myself , appreciating myself, bringing understanding, not judging and allowing it to unfold.
I am learning to not judge, react or take things personally, but I will not accept abuse. At times this may mean verbally not saying anything to the person, but saying no to the energy of abuse from every single cell of my body.
Great point Gyl, to say ‘no’ to abuse is what’s needed or we take on the poison of abuse into our bodies.
Abuse is not honouring my truth and my body.
Yes Gyl, when we really get down to it abuse is anything that is not honouring the love in our bodies to the enth degree. A high benchmark, but a true one.
I agree James anything that is not love is abuse, and by love I mean true love, not the romantic film picture in our head. Love is a way of holding and expressing to someone in absolute truth, adoration and equality. This is something I am learning as I often give my power away, doubt or second guess what I feel. But our bodies intrinsically know what love is through every bone in our body. My learning is to not react, not judge, or take things personally, to understand and observe, but not accept any abuse down to the finest detail.
James I really appreciate you writing this, for most of my life up until recently, I have accepted abuse by myself and many others, especially those closest to me. Stepping out of this can expose a lot and bring up a lot of reaction in others, it also brings with it the Karma of not saying no to abuse for years, if not lifetimes.
Yes, James.. It seems so crazy that we can delegate how much abuse we are willing to dish out to different people.
“….could it be that underneath it all we have not committed to love, and nothing but love, as our foundation, our basis of life. If we were to, then surely anything that is not love will stand out like a sore thumb.” A great point James. Making love our foundation will surely show up any form of abuse – to ourselves and to others.
My understanding of abuse prior to attending Universal Medicine presentations, workshops and courses was the same as what you’ve describe at the beginning of your blog James. I thought abuse was classified with the extreme cases and something we can physically see with our eyes. Now I understand that abuse is energetic not just physical. It is anything that is not an expression of love. The energy I choose to express to others can either be loving or abusive. This understanding calls me to be more responsible and aware of abuse on all levels, to expose it whenever possible and I realise there is no in-between, it is either abuse or love.
Yes James, in an example of the abuse you mention, we can come back to how we allow ourselves to treat our partners, even if not aimed towards them, such as with our own moodiness, irritability and so on, when we would never treat a friend or work colleague that way. In fact I am sure we have all witnessed how an important or desirable phone call comes in and we suddenly change our demeanour to answer the call. So is this practice of abuse more of a choice rather than something we might see as unavoidable and just the way life is?
There are so many behaviours that I have towards myself that I have not considered to be abuse, yet now that I agree that anything that does not come from love, may be abuse, I have to consider these carefully.
So very true, “if we have not committed to love, and nothing but love, as our foundation, our basis of life. If we were to, then surely anything that is not love will stand out like a sore thumb.” being love with ourselves and living that, then being love with others does need to be our foundation. So it does start with us, we can change that.
I always feel uncomfortable when I call something abuse that isn’t considered extreme by society standards. I feel like I am being dramatic and I tend to just right it off as not being a big deal. What really stood out to me in this blog was how you addressed the meaning of the word abuse and how it has been distorted over the years, how do we classify how extreme the abuse is if the word abuse is already extreme in its meaning be default? I suppose the next question is how do we then identify the smaller abuses that are also harmful if the word is off limits due to a bastardisation…
Could it be two fold? To be aware of abuse we would need to first bring or deepen our love truly. Then when we see from this level we would be aware of the abuse we run around us. Then it would be time for the next layer, the next and the next. I agree we take abuse to the extreme so we can hide the subtle that for some now they are not so subtle but we then grow or expand our awareness to see the next subtle. What this is telling me is there is no end point to what we can see and if we are looking for something to end, hoping, waiting or think this way then this is all part of the same cycle. We have set the world up so we think things have an end, if I do this or that or when this happens it will all be ok. Abuse has many many layers and I don’t see an end. It’s not a dooms day type thing but bring awareness to the fact that when we think we have stopped something like this we can appreciate we have moved into another layer and it’s time right there to expand our awareness into the next.
I agree the layers are endless and it is important to continue to discover the true meaning of love this actually supports with unfolding the abuse that is everywhere.
Thank you and this is a very personal responsibility that then support us all. If we are looking at the abuse in the world and talking about it and then not willing to consistently take action personally with how we are then the abuse that we see is ours as well. You may see this as too big or not true but if everything is everything and we still see any part of us separate then we feed the separation. Abuse is the same, a word that we perceive as being many things and yet we have a direct part to play. Keep working on the ways we abuse, the subtleties and from there the world can also see the same as you. Abuse isn’t just about talking to relieve or make it better it’s about healing personally what we put out and then healing the next part and so on.
It is sad that we have slowly pushed what is accepted as love further away from it’s truth so that we now accept what we do now as normal and live with and accept the abuse we have on a global scale. Just because something is normalised doesn’t make it right or true… for we all suffer when we settle for less than love.
‘A reaction to our unexpressed thoughts and emotions’. This phrase rings very true for me James for I can see how I continue to live in a way that is not love (so therefore self-abusive) especially when I am not expressing how I feel. My reaction is then the choices I make to self abuse.
Abuse ‘it could be expanded to be a mis-use of energy.’ You are so right James, ultimately abuse is a mis-use of energy by not choosing love and instead choosing what is not love. If we really looked at the micro-detail of this could it be said that many of us abuse ourselves with food simply by over eating? My feeling is we have allowed abuse to be accepted in society, let it slip through the net so to speak, especially with thoughts of ‘well it’s not happening to me!’. This is what we need to discuss and discard. In truth we are all One so if another is being abused so are we. There is now more domestic violence and abuse in teenage relationships than there has ever been. In the UK the ages 16-17 have been included in the Domestic Violence policy including ‘coercive behaviour’. This clearly shows and reflects how adults are not living responsibly or that collectively we are not standing together and calling out abuse in every single pocket and crevice that we see. Thank you for starting this much needed conversation.
James, this is an eye-opening blog. When we consider abuse as it’s true original meaning, an abuse of energy then we really need to look at what we have allowed in our everyday lives and how we treat those around us as you say and how we’ve allows so much in our lives that is not love. Indeed we’ve made our foundation not be love, and that is the crux of it, if we make everything about love, then we will look at ferreting out every piece of abuse no matter how small we find, and that would change everything for us and others.
‘Any hidden agenda, form of control, any remark or action that is not loving, is abusive.’ Very true James, as a society we have accepted many forms of abuse as ‘normal’, treating each other and ourselves with love, respect and decency should be the new normal – the world be a different and more harmonious place if we all lived this.
‘We have graded abuse and put it into categories, we use excuses for it.’ I have to put my hand up for this one. I’ve not only been the provider of graded abuse, I have also been the receiver of the graded abuse and often justified it which is actually just further abuse. It’s no accident that the words abuse and cycle are often used together.
I agree Elodie, it is crazy how we can treat people with less than love and not think of it or call it abuse. We are all so deeply precious and deserve to be treated this way.
‘Could it be that one of the causes of our abusive tendencies can be simply expressed as ‘a reaction to our unexpressed thoughts and emotions that we would have liked life or situations to be, being expressed at a later date’’. You’ve nailed it here James. Absolutely!! It makes sense that we get frustrated when we feel we can’t express how we feel about something so we deflect that anger at ourselves towards another, rather than giving telling the truth a go. It’s very simple really.
Yes that really brings the onus back on us to speak up even when we are not sure how something will be received. We may be clumsy but not saying something means it will potentially fester and come out in other ways that are unrelated and end up abusing another for something they haven’t done.
I’m so with you on this James. I have certainly had my view on abuse open right up since being presented with the possibility that we all contribute to abuse without even realising it.The way I am with my family compared to friends for example is abusive. I lose my patience with family members, be rude to them and sometimes ignore them. AWFUL. Many people would say that was normal, and that all families are like that. And it’s true that it’s become the norm in the sense that it is socially accepted behaviour but have we ever considered that it’s actually not normal in the sense of being a natural way? We grow up believing it’s ok to disrespect certain people because of their position in life, whatever that might be. How did this happen? And is it possible that we contribute to the very thing we don’t like when we accept abuse as a right of passage? Do we take any responsibility for our behaviours? What would it look like if we did?
The word abuse can feel so dramatic but to understand it as as simply any act, gesture, thought etc. that is not coming from and with love, changes the context somewhat. There are definitely areas in my life that could do with a lot more love.
Anything that is not love is abuse. Looking through that lens changes everything; how much more care and respect would we all bring to everything if we simply allowed ourselves to deeply feel what this blog proposes.
Abuse comes in all forms but I am realising it is primarily fed by the force of emotions courtesy of our unresolved hurts. What we are sometimes not wise to and can never underestimate, is how these unresolved hurts play out in our own unloving behaviours and how venting these behaviours can impact and have a cascading effect to hurt others. And so the ripple effect of such abuse only serves to feed the monster of abuse all the more. Ouch….
What a simple definition of what abuse is… Simply the absense of love. It’s not that we should be beating ourselves up for when we get caught up in these behaviours – and there are many – but simply to start with an awareness of our behaviours and how we are treating ourselves and others, and to begin taking responsibility for these.
Abuse has rather the domino effect to it. I am hurt, so I may hurt you. Then you are hurt so you can hurt another….and so on and so on and the vicious cycle goes round and round.
Abuse will continue until we are prepared to take responsibility for every movement we make that is not loving.
Even being dismissive of someone or what someone shares is a form of abuse. It’s basically saying what you feel or have to share is not worth being heard or read. How damaging, arrogant and crushing is that. It’s a form of bullying, a tactic people often use.
Someone I care about actually made a comment directed towards me this morning, which hurt, it was not love, it was abuse, in a very subtle way, and is adding to abuse, and to be honest I didn’t expect this of this person. What this exposes is not to condone the abuse as it’s not okay no matter how subtle it is, but for me to not have any expectations or need people to be a certain way. To step back and say yes that really hurt, honour my sensitivity, but also to have understanding of where that person is at right now, as it’s not something they would normally do. What I also feel we have to watch for is not shutting down, going into reaction, or protection, as I could feel that come up to, in the sense of wanting to withdraw from connection to that person and saying well stuff you. But that doesn’t work and is another form of abuse.
Why do we abuse one another, when it hurts another person and ourselves so much. I have found that many of us still do this, yet we are writing and championing about not abusing. What I am learning is that we need to stop, discern and be very aware of our every action, word and thought, for it cannot half come from love and half not – there is no in-between, it’s love or it’s not love. The greatest marker to feel this is our bodies.
I whole heartedly agree James. Why do we treat each other this way. More and more each day I can feel how the seemingly small acts of abuse, such as speaking to someone in a certain way, or how we treat ourselves, it could be overriding what we feel, our truth and our sensitivity – which are not so small acts at all, actually are exactly the same as what some would call bigger acts of abuse such as cyberabuse, bullying, domestic violence, rape, fighting, gang warfare and killing one another – all feed the energy of abuse everyday. There is no difference in abuse, it’s all the same.
Your dfinition of abuse is well summed up, in every action or interaction we either harm or heal and it all comes back to choice
This understanding of abuse asks us to have a new level of responsibility. We can clearly look at how we hold other people – Whether we hold them as equals or above or below us. Do we make decisions for others, deeming them unable to cope or having less right thinking than us? Do we keep people in protection, capping their evolution because of our decisions? There is much to consider.
I love the way of being I have discovered by being a student of the Way of the Livingness. I love the level of integrity and the way we have been challenged to question what we have accepted in the past as normal and what is true. For something to be true it has to hold all equally. There is no room for abuse in this. Abuse is not our natural state, love is our natural state.
There are many people who would think the level of responsibility you are suggesting here James is unrealistic or even ridiculous. However, when you really examine what you have presented it is very clear. Anything that isn’t love can only be abuse – there isn’t an in-between of an action being neither loving nor abusive. Hence, to say that low level unloving actions are ok is saying yes to abuse. Though in a small form when compared with abuse on the scale of domestic violence, these forms of abuse are also felt by partners, friends and loved ones and create a tension that precludes true expressions of love from being both delivered and received in full.
Acknowledging this truth also calls for a much higher level of responsibility than many in the world are currently living.
If we do not make the commitment of choosing nothing but love for ourselves we will not be able to extend this, in truth and in full, to others. We may try but cracks will inevitably appear. The love you show to another can never be true unless you are treating yourself with at least an equal level of love.
When I read this line – “Whether it be getting really annoyed during a conversation, and not really saying what you felt to say, then leaving the room and slamming the door.” I smiled at a memory of returning home to my parents in Adelaide recently. As a child/teenager I have slammed a few doors in my time and on a recent trip home a conversation was not going my way so I left and slammed a few doors in the way. And then I was like WOAH….I dont have to do that anymore I am in my 40’s not 10’s. I can actually express what is going on for me so I returned to the room and had a much more adult like conversation and the issue cleared. It is incredible to be able to stop that level of abuse and have these conversations which are more real.
“anything that does not come with love is abuse.” When we choose to connect and live from the energy of love then we can feel any separation from this love is abuse.
It is something I needed to learn and related to immediately, when I heard Serge Benhayon present that anything that is not love is abuse. Thank you Serge for bringing this truth to me and thank you James for giving me this timely and well-written reminder.
James you have certainly taken your soul searching on abuse to another level, I agree ! We do need to take heed and listen to our inner most by treating what is not love as abuse , to have this awareness can only be a great example to follow for all.
This is a great understanding of what abuse is – the misuse of energy. So often when we can identify with the abusive choices and label ourselves as ‘bad’ people. understanding abuse as the misuse of energy enables us to observe and then make different choices in how we use energy.
I love how you share that your definition of abuse is now anything that does not come with love – I can feel how much abuse I allowed for so long on this basis and did not chose to even regard it as such. I refer here not to just abuse of others, but my own chronic self abuse. I am slowly but surely seeing more and more how much I can shift this, without needing others to change. By my decisions to speak lovingly, irrespective of how they behave, I am claiming my own love.
I am learning that to shift patterns of self-abuse requires a loving commitment. Reacting to self-abuse and abuse towards others with shame and gulit is only more abuse which doesn’t support us to make the shifts.
I too can relate to this Felicity and am seeing daily new levels where my choices are or have been abusive to myself as well as those around me.
There are so many forms of abuse in society that we accept as ‘normal’. Far from being normal we have just allowed the standard to drop and accept this way of living when in truth it is an absolute lack of responsibility to not respect and be decent to all our fellow human beings. Dealing with self-abuse I inflicted towards myself was key to healing old patterns first and then my eyes were wide open to the abuse I had allowed in all areas of my life making it easier to say ‘no’ to this abuse and put an end to this destructive cycle. An incredibly powerful experience and life-changing when we make the choice to stop abuse in our lives.
Hi James – thanks you for taking us back to reflect on the meaning of abuse. What feels true is that we accept being treated ‘well’ or rushing around in our lives as being free from abuse and that this is ok. When we sit with what we know is our hearts Love is and how love is in movement, words, a ‘look’ or touch, what we have been willing to accept as love and not love – is exposed. Trusting the wisdom of the body has become a powerful barometer of truth and this is what now supports me to practice a life free of abuse and full of love.
Thank you Michael for sharing the simple truth that anything that does not come from love is abuse. As our love for ourselves and others deepens so does our understanding of abuse change, and is refined, to give us the expansion our deepening love calls for.
There are so many forms of abuse society has accepted as ok and normal, what I accepted in the past I can now clearly see was abuse to me and others. To have this clarity would not have been possible if it was not for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine who have inspired me to accept love and nothing else.
Yes, Brendan- abuse can be sometimes subtle, but if we develop a loving relationship with us first, then it becomes more obvious what is not love.
What you have shared here James is really wonderful. Exposing what we tend to ‘put up with’, our learned behaviours that become the norm and not in a good way. We compare that if there isn’t violence, then that isn’t abusive, or if there isn’t yelling then that isn’t abusive, but it is all relative. So coming from the angle that what is not love is abusive, is looking at how we live in a different light.
It feels very true that anything that is not love is abuse. It is either love or not love – very simple. It is impossible to justify being anything but love when we allow ourselves to feel this truth.
It seem to be that it is easy to see the very obvious forms of abuse that are out there. But abuse exists on many levels. What does not come from love is a form of abuse. As our love depends for ourselves and others, so does our awareness of our ways that are not love, and little by little these self abuses are seen and let go of .
This is so true Meg, what one person would call abusive behaviour another would think it normal. I have also had the experience recently of being shouted at down the telephone and when I advised the person that it was not acceptable for him to be shouting at me, he was very surprised, stopped and then became very angry. It seems to me that we have gone on too long accepting this ill behaviour from others and allowing ourselves to abusive – no wonder there seems to be a lack of respect for each other these days.
Yeah the lack of respect everyone has for each other is MASSIVE, it’s incredible that we’ve come to think it’s normal or even ok to shout at someone down the phone. We have definitely accept this for way too long, it’s definitely time to bring back love and respect.
James, you write beautifully and describe abuse with so much depth and understanding, using examples and asking questions that everyone could relate to. If our commitment to love were full and absolute then our day to day choices would be revolutionary.
‘I know my mum over the years has copped a lot from me.’ James, I know my mum is also the one that copped my worst behaviour when growing up and I suspect the majority of mothers have experienced abuse from their children. It is abusive and also calculated as the deep unconditional love a mother has towards the child is being abused. What is sad is when a mother, that is a woman, allows this and reminds me of how important and needed Esoteric Women’s Health is, as it is showing women around the world practical ways to love, adore and cherish herself. Naturally then a mother would understand exactly what she needs to say or do to make it known she does not accept abuse.
I feel this is very important Deanne. Just as a mother can show us what unconditional love is so too can she show us what is abuse and how not to accept abuse from others.
I feel it’s something we need to be very clear about Deanne and that is that we should never consider for one moment that accepting even the smallest level of abuse is a part of offering unconditional love. I agree – Esoteric Women’s Health is very needed to support women to understand this and to help them understand how important it is for them to value and nurture themselves.
Meg, what you share is gold and true – the more love I build for myself the easier it also becomes to say no to abuse when it comes towards me and to deal with it – as you did with your friend. It shows me that we can continually re-define what abuse is to ourselves and that it is not about what we say no to from others (this just gets dealt with as it plays out from a foundation of love) It is looking at how we are abusive towards ourselves, going deeper and dealing with this. As James wrote – anything that is not love is abuse – so there is much to explore and understand about what abuse is and where it lurks in our lives ‘as normal’.
‘We can continually re-define what abuse is’ – this is very true! I love your explorational approach, there is a long way for society to go before abuse is fully understood and we weed out all the abuse that lurks as ‘normal.’ But the cool thing is the more and more loving we are with each other, the more any forms of abuse will stand out.
What is not love is abuse – this makes sense to me too James, even though I am not able to live the absolute truth of this I am blessed to be around others like the Benhayon family and other Universal Medicine students that inspire and show me that life can be lived with far, far less abuse than what we commonly accept.
It doesn’t make sense why it should be the case that we hurt those who are closest to us. It’s as though we think we can get away with treating our nearest and dearest without the integrity and respect that we reserve for other people. Something that is worth pondering on deeply and reconsidering.
It’s very brave that you bring the discussion about abuse to such a level, James. The media is stuck with murder, rape and war whereas we should start talking about slamming doors or not talking to your neighbour etc.
Indeed, as with everything, it is the simple details in life that define the outcome and build the basis for anything greater.
I agree Felix. Could it be that it starts with the more subtle and seemingly innocuous forms of abuse that remain undealt with that build up and lead to its’ escalation?
Well said James.
This has been my experience also. The out bursts of frustration towards someone close to you is that, a burst.
We are all very sensitive beings that cannot be ourselves when we hold back what we are meant to express. Thereby our unspoken expression builds up until bursting. Sadly we know these behaviours are disgusting and we choose to vent as it seems we can cope no other way. However through self responsibility and having stop moments, these moments can be reduced then eliminated.
“Whilst I am not here trying to present any answers, simply possibilities, could it be that underneath it all we have not committed to love, and nothing but love, as our foundation, our basis of life. If we were to, then surely anything that is not love will stand out like a sore thumb.”
Very true, James. And thank you for bringing the absoluteness to the topic. We might have excuses of all sorts for our behaviours but at the end Love is Love, abuse is abuse and Truth is Truth. No more no less.
Abuse is anything that is not love – this feels true. To know love then we have to take a moment to connect to our inner heart and be open and willing to feel the truth of what is there. From this place we will always know if the choice we are making is coming from love or coming from some form of abuse – self or another.
This is something I’m working on Matthew, not to react when I see or notice abuse around me or how I abuse myself. It doesn’t support me or anyone else if I react. I’m learning to see it and know that it is not who I truly am.
This is very powerful James to read, and something I was considering today, on remembrance day. While I was at a very somber ceremony at work, it hit me how the wars and fighting are not just happening in other countries, (out there) or something devastatingly, awful and horrific that happened in the past… it happens everyday, in our homes, workplaces, neighbourhoods etc. on a different scale. I know, how would I know I haven’t lived through a war?! – but really we all know the feeling of being abused and abusive and then holding onto our hurts, bottling them up until they eventually bubble over and explode out.
Admitting we have been abusive takes honesty- how many of us are willing to go there and open up to seeing what we have accepted as normal for so long. It’s normal in many families to put each other down or take out frustrations on each other – I have been a big offender over the years, but I was willing to see it, and willing to work on turning that around. The benefits of this are equally shared by all, including me. It feels awesome speak gently with others rather than hiss or yell – I know it sounds obvious, but for years any time I got annoyed this is exactly what I would do – crazy!
Recently some behaviours have stood out strongly to me. I notice when someone wants a high level of control over another and this feels like abuse. Love means allowing another to be the amazing person that they are. I understand that someone trying to control everything often comes from not wanting to be hurt again and so they manage the world so that there are no surprises, yet if we can allow love to be us, rather than fear, love is so much more powerful.
I like the definition I have taken here that abuse is to “wrongly use.” This really expands my understanding of abuse and has given me better insight into where abuse is present in my own behaviour. It’s also very true about what goes on with families and their propensity to be abusive because of familiarity and closed doors. We can’t have two faces in life, the public and the private – we are here to be true and to be love.
yes this is possible and I am working with you all on this one!
If we saw abuse as anything that is NOT love, we would have a clear framework in which to build a loving life.
You’ve just nailed it to the point Jennifer. And this framework would show us how abusive we at times are when pretending to be nice and caring. A good way to stop and really look at what we are doing without judging ourselves for it. Just opening up for the possibility that a much more loving way of life is possible and step by step exploring our way with this.
Yes, Michael i feel that’s the key – working on having love as a foundation in all our relationships, starting with self. And being aware what feels abusive and calling it out.
That’s an interesting point Michael “how abusive we at times are when pretending to be nice and caring”. I have been confused in times past when someone is being “nice” whilst at the same time feeling the manipulation behind it.
Absolutely Jennifer, and we would have very different homes and very different communities as a result…
I’m sitting at the moment and have done for the last couple of days feeling the levels of abuse that I have allowed and dished out and this is not the in your face obvious kind of abuse that we often now associate with abuse. I have to say it feels pretty awful. I know that there is a trap here in sitting in this for too long, indulging in it and using this an an excuse to make new choices, choices that are no longer abusive. Actually indulging in my hurts is abusive!
Dear James this breafly says all it needs to be said about abuse and yes you are so right its all in the energy of closing the door or expressing towards another or to oneself. I am getting more and more aware about this energy and stopping it and chosing love instead for me and so for everyone else.
What a brilliant article James. The honesty that we are in fact all abusers is well stated if we would only dare to use the true meaning of the word love, being it an energy. To me in redefining abuse, the action of (verbal) expression is important, if not crucial. What I’m learning myself is to (dare to) call abuse out whenever I see, experience or witness it. Without me wanting it to be changed. I’d love that people listen and would start choosing differently, but that choice is not up to me. But the choice to out myself sure is. Thank you James. A redefinition of the word abuse to me is very needed.
Reading these comments, and your blog, James, I have a growing feeling – could it be that abuse starts with choice? When we make an ill choice, instead of lovingly re-appraising what we have done, we react, shout, slam doors, throw a tantrum etc. We may try to make loving choices all the time, and appreciate them, but an un-loving choice, when seen, is also an opportunity to learn, evolve, and is deserving of an equal appreciation.
James you raise awesome points to ponder here. lve recently learnt that one of the reasons we allow abuse is because we all have different levels of tolerance and acceptance of it. ln my relationship there are times when l can say something that l feel is direct and loving, but not in the usual softly spoken, gentle sense and my partner will immediately say to me ” that’s abusive”.
lt totally floors me every time, as for me, and where l come from, it seems so normal, l just can’t get how he can call that abuse. However, he has a completely different experience of abusive behaviour and is so much more sensitized to the slightest wiff of it. lt’s a work in progress that’s for sure and your blog is on the marker. lf our intention is loving it will not be or feel abusive to either party.
That is a great point katechorley it is through our own choices to care and love ourselves that we change how we treat others.
Indeed it is interesting how when we think of abuse we go to the extreme situations as we then feel our abusive behaviours such as body language, tone, looks retrieving etc are not so important. As long as we keep using comparison there will be no honesty to bring us back to our loving nature.
Yes I too have had to consider how much abuse I perpetrated in life- if it’s not love, then I was abusing others. Wow, I am just taking a minute to ponder this- and yet the love of our soul is there very strongly, no matter how off the mark we have been, it’s always there to reconnect to, and hence express from – this is the beauty of how much love we are held in.
This is an excellent blog for understanding what abuse actually involves. I agree, why should our families cop our frustrations just because they live with us and no-one can see it play out?
Abuse behind closed doors is rife in our society, but just because its commonplace it doesn’t make it ok. Everyone deserves to be treated well, and not be dumped on.
I don’t say this from a ‘holier than thou’ perspective – I have had to be confronted by my own behavours and habits and learn to see how i was impacting others- quite confronting at times, but well worth it.
Thank you deborahmckay, I agree we need to open our eyes more and see what is really going on in the world. We can all feel what is love and what is not and so need to stop accepting abuse however subtle in all areas of our lives only then will the world truly start to change and say no to abuse.
Thank you Matthew, I know what you mean about the way people use tones with their voices especially in family homes, I was talking with someone yesterday who said when their mother changes her tone and uses his full name his body starts to shake and now this even occurs when someone else says his full name. It is amazing how what we can accept as normal and ok has long lasting effects on us.
When I have broached the subject of anything less than love being abuse with people they are often resistant to hearing this. They have shied away from the level of integrity they are being called to live at within all of their relationships (relationship with self included). Also, accepting a greater level of integrity means wading back through the way you’ve been with people that was not loving which can be very uncomfortable to feel, as can accepting responsibility for these behaviours and choices.
“The displacement of energy sending shudders through” the body. The physicality of this fact is very powerful and felt every time we betray ourselves and others by not expressing the truth.
When we consider abuse in the logical way you have described James it makes me wonder where we have all gone so wrong to let ourselves get to this state of affairs. I am pondering on my own and the behaviours of others all around me and I can see many examples of what is not love and is therefore a form of abuse. Your blog also reminds me of my responsibility to myself and others to reflect love to the best of my ability as I go about my normal day.
Helen I loved your very practical suggestion….”reflect love to the best of my ability” and then call out any abuse or hurt felt as we go to clear it…One of the tricks for me is to get stuck in what is coming up – interestingly this is also abuse.
Thank you James for clarifying abuse for us all. I related vey much to these words “could it be possible that abuse, or being abusive towards another or ourselves, is simply an act gesture, thought etc. that is not coming from and with Love” . So clear and insightful, and something I will be much more aware of.
Yes, this line stood out for me as well Roslyn… “being abusive towards another or ourselves, is simply an act gesture, thought etc. that is not coming from and with Love”… It draws a line in the sand.. either you are with love or not, and if its not, then what type of abuse is being expressed…
I randomly clicked on this blog to comment on, one from the past and it was so closely connected to the one that I had just read from Adam Warburton that it kind of freaked me out. Knowing that there are no coincidences it has made me take an even deeper look at what abuse really is. Not appreciating myself is an abuse which I am guilty of most of the time as we all have so much to offer.
That’s the same for me too kevmchardy. Having abuse under the spot light makes all the very small things stand out – literally. One of the things that I have noticed recently is how easily subtle levels of abuse slips in without me registering. I feel appreciation is one of the keys in developing a more loving way with ourselves and comparison with others (as in what Adam Warburton discussed)
Very true James – ‘Whether it be getting really annoyed during a conversation, and not really saying what you felt to say, then leaving the room and slamming the door. With the resulting displacement of energy sending shudders through yours, and whoever else’s body that is nearby.’ – We can feel everything , and our bodies register it all.
I agree Jenny, we can feel everything and our bodies register it all. There is distinction whether I am on the sending or receiving end. I get a double hit when I am not loving towards others and I feel the responsibility strong there. On the receiving end it is up to me to say NO and set boundaries.
I know when it comes to it the main reason I abused others is because I have not felt good about myself, the self worth, the fullness of love I felt was lacking. Building a foundation of self love, self worth and care provides something steady, supportive and still to live from, to respond to life, challenges etc. I take more responsibility for what I put out in the world, and I have become aware that any small amount of abuse, thorough intention, or verbal and otherwise has the potential to hurt everyone, including myself.
James, what an awesome presentation about abuse. In particular, how you have explained abuse as …”‘a reaction to our unexpressed thoughts and emotions that we would have liked life or situations to be, being expressed at a later date’… is key in understanding how and why these outburst occur. Expressing how we feel and not bottleing it up is the way to go.
We have a long way to go to get to the point where we see abuse as anything but love. The extremes of abuse are so firmly entrenched in our minds, perhaps so we can comfortably look back at them and assure ourselves we are not like that! I loved the derived definition of abuse as ‘away’ and ‘to use’. It made me consider that abuse of ourselves starts when we move away from ‘the use’ or alignment with our true nature – love, truth, harmony, stillness and joy. All other abuse then flows on from this point where we have moved away from our truth.
I agree with all you say and since listening to Universal Medicine presentations have a very different understanding of what abuse really is. I can now see it is the small acts of abuse towards myself through the day that can then lead to feeling abused by another, though the simple fact is I do not continuously commit to a marker of love and only love. Thank you James for the reminder of “For me anything that does not come with love is abuse.”
Wonderful expressed James “For me anything that does not come with love is abuse.” It is so true. I have made a similar development like you – before Universal Medicine I wouldn’t have regarded a lot of things as abuse, but this is different now. I don’t rely only on my eyes any more – the eyes can’t tell, which energy is coming towards me, I have to feel and then I have the chance to check, if the energy is OK or abusive. Feeling of the energy is so important.
I sat with your line “For me anything that does not come with love is abuse”. Yes I now understand for myself that abuse can come in many guises some very obvious and some with a very hidden agenda. Thank you for this powerful, heartfelt sharing James.
Wholeheartedly agree here James- that anything outside of love is abuse. I have recently come to this realization myself, & it sure does stand out like a sore thumb!! It can come in many ways & disguises, so feeling the energy behind it & stopping it from perpetuating is the most healing thing I’ve found.
That is great Leah, what I find is that the more I say no to abuse, and yes to love, the more things jump out at me that I am doing, or others are doing that I used to think of as normal behaviour, but now see how damaging and abusive they are for the person and for others.
I agree Brendan, It’s easy to get distracted by the gross and ugly forms of abuse and forget the foundation of abusive patterns that have been the foundation for the more extreme forms of behaviour to express from.
Yes James it can feel devastating to become aware of the depth of abuse in everyday actions due to a misalignment with our source of true energy that lives within.
I have felt overwhelmed by this most of my life and struggled to commit to life because what I was reading in people’s actions felt devoid of true love. Many moments shared with a partner, friend or family member that where designed to be a gesture of love, I often experienced as empty and felt that I could not trust what was offered as I was aware the person themselves had no foundation of love within from which to truly express.
I choose now to look beyond the surface of what is being expressed to the place where brotherhood exists between us. Where we all are equal in our capacity to love. I understand that each person has a choice, but that often they feel like a victim within their circumstance and to judge holds them tighter within that place. I can still experience disappointment and issues of trust when I feel the level of abuse, but I understand now that this is the result of me choosing to abandon myself in the expectation that I will receive something from another and expect a certain quality in return.
When I feel hurt it’s because I have an ideal or belief that another should behave in a certain way and if they fail to do so my expectations can feel shattered. At this point it is easy to judge the person for their actions and then feel blame or resentment for the pain I feel left with. All this happens when I abandon my connection and look for love outside of myself (a form of self abuse) instead of allowing the emanations from within to radiate out to all those we are naturally a part of anyway.
Great point Oliver and it is the other side of the coin that we so freely spend.
Absolutely agree with you Anne and what I notice lately as well is when people swear around me, how this hurts my body. Even one word of swearing has already a big impact. Swearing is also abuse. The other day I shared with my colleague about how his swearing impacted me and since then, he is really aware of it and when he swears and I am around, he says oops, Mariette is here, and he comes up with another word ( :
What is the competition man has with words? We make words up for new things or slang becomes common. One word is never enough, take hot and cold. When did we put light dimers on words, take abuse, we have put a dimer on what is acceptable. As you have stated James we have all set our dimer to our own preferences in regards to abuse, be it self or to others and for this occasion we can have two different settings. Is it time to turn our dimmer on full and expose all that there is to see and leave no room for shadows or gray areas. If it is not love it will be exposed.
When we take on the responsibility of seeing that anything that is not love is in fact abuse, we may find that there is a lot in our lives that needs to change, I know that’s how it was for me. This change is ongoing and it seems the abuse perpetrated on myself is just as bad as anything I did to another, I can see how it was mostly done as a way to ‘protect’ myself, that is the way of a person with many unresolved hurts. As the hurts are felt and let go of, so to the abuse diminishes. Then it is possible to be more loving with myself and therefore others, an ongoing work in progress.
I can certainly relate to having been an abusive person to myself and mum when I was a teenager. The pent up emotions and disgruntlements of the way life was were very difficult to understand and be with.
I know a young man who has had medical problems all his life, numerous operations, nearly dying a couple of times. When he went to the doctors they discovered he had a really bad ear infection. This young man was so used to severe pain that he did not know that he had an ear infection. The same goes for abuse. If your body becomes accustomed to a certain level of abuse then you are not going to recognise it. Fill your body with love and the smallest form of abuse will be felt in your body instantly.
This is Gold- I love how you have shown the different tolerances we have to abuse. I remember learning about love my body from the inside out when I began esoteric yoga some years ago, every wrinkle in the blanket, or unevenness had to be addressed so that i could be held in the most exquisiteness of my own love.
i now understand how accepting abuse daily has taken me away from this love, which is my birthright, the same as everyone else on the planet.
Accepting abuse no matter how small, is a step away from love – our love, everyone’s love as a whole.
I really like the way that you explain how abuse occurs as a result of our reactions. I have never put abuse and reaction in the same category before and it is quite startling how I can feel a sense of entitlement to my reactions….. until I correctly name these reactions as abuse. Committing to love as a foundation feels very simple and beautiful when I read this blog.
Very interesting to feel this redefining of the word abuse in this blog. If it`s everything that does not come from love, abuse is really everywhere. It feels horrible in my body that we are used to allowing it in so many situations. Being not loving or not treated lovingly feels “normal” to us… isn`t that very sad actually?
I agree, it is startling to realize how much abuse we allow and perpetrate when we have a marker of a truly loving way of being. It is sad that we have let it get this way. Gracious gratefulness to Serge Benhayon for showing the way back to love.
An interesting topic you have chosen to write about James, could the reason behind why abuse occurs is because its a form of protection used by the abuser to not feel their hurts.
You could be right James. I can feel that times when I have lashed out in reaction or hurt it has been what feels like protecting my hurts.
So true simplesimon888, we look so far outside of us, tracing abuse in areas of life that we most of the time have not full grasp on (such as gang rapes in Syria), but what if we take this awareness more deeply into our own life and make sure we first and foremost traced all abusive ways and heal them first. I guess this would be our forever savior itself, no panic or saving needed – as we all save ourselves. I have felt in my life how my actions; how I speak, walk, talk and move are actually affecting everyone and for sure when I am doing them so from a lack of love and presence. I started to become aware of the fact that I even knew how to move, talk, walk and behave in a way that was abusive and disturbing to others.. Simply because I felt hurt and wanted attention for it. This is very abusive itself, I must admit. Not to be proud of at all, yet I am deeply blessing and freeing myself by saying this so – as abuse is not who I am. So must I free myself from it in all areas of my life. I now know that my responsibility is deep and it starts with my full awareness on how I am living and making this as loving possible ! While in the meantime supporting all those around me and even when reading news online – to stop abuse.
Well said Danna, we need to address and look at the abuse first in our homes before getting caught up with what is going on in the world after all we all learn from others and so by living a life of love shows it is possible to live without abuse, the Benhayons are great examples. But if we have abuse in our homes and then stay the world is harsh and abusive nobody really hears it or changes because it is not coming from a body speaking free from abuse. I know I have heard many people say one thing knowing that they do the opposite and so switch off from listening to them.
Absolutely right James, it is only truly understood by humanity if we have ourselves freed us from this emprisonment of abuse. I find it very inspirational that simply living in a way with as less abuse possible is actually allowing others to feel and see this (so not only by words, or sometimes not even at all), so they know that they can life a more love-filled life too! Abuse-less life is so much better than continueing it. I am started to let go of every bit of abuse I have chosen in my life: from being it walking recklessly to picking up a too hot cup of tea. It might sound strong but in those small details we can find the most love-less acts. It is time to free ourselves from abuse and choose love in our life and body. Lets unravel and be curious.
Spot on! Well said James, and in answer to your question, absolutely I have not committed in full to love, for although it has always been the most important thing in life to me. It had for so long been compromised by all the differing versions I would settle for, devoid of love for me first. It has also been for me, since having words and their meanings exposed and connecting again to truth, thanks to the extraordinary work of Universal Medicine, that I have come to commit to living life from love.
“For me anything that does not come with love is abuse. Any hidden agenda, form of control, any remark or action that is not loving, is abusive.” James I totally agree. And when I feel into the true depth of this remark I realise the enormity of the lovelessness, the abuse and complete lack of respect that is rife in our society. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are the inspiration of true living love very much needed.
I am with you on this Barbara – it is a super strong statement that literally pulls everything into line or not – love or not, there is no other way.
I agree Lee and whilst some people may find it too harsh or dogmatic the more I feel the love that I am, that we are all from, the more anything which is not from love stands out as a contradictory energy and so is abusive because it is not part of where we are from if it is not coming from and with love.
oh my god you are so right- that is a great way of summing it up- if its not done with LOVE then it is ABUSE, It couldnt be clearer- thanks so much for stating it like this.
The same sentence stood out for me:
“For me anything that does not come with love is abuse. Any hidden agenda, form of control, any remark or action that is not loving, is abusive.” And I agree with all the comments above. The more I allow myself to be and deepen in the tender and delicate woman I am, the more stands out as abuse. My body let’s me know instantly and all it wants is LOVE.
Yes same for me too Lee, it’s funny how obvious abusive behaviours are, when we choose to see them. I now feel so jarring if I interrupt a person. Yes this is a level of abuse I have perpetuated in the past, but now I am working on not interrupting a person, unless they are harming in their expression.
We have become so accustomed to abuse that it has become our norm.
But abuse is so very far from normal.
Without saying no, expressing truth, and calling it out. Abuse remains as a river that knits us together instead of a loving way.
Yes I too have learned this, slowly, because I was so used to abuse and getting what I needed from life without really considering my impact on others, that I didn’t see was how this was coming from entrenched misery in how I lived. Hmm much to ponder.
Wow Shannon…these words are golden. They belong to billboards the world over
You have expressed this very clearly James. Holding back our love is abuse. It can be the smallest thing that goes unsaid, but if it causes a barrier between people, that can be abuse. I do this a lot but am feeling the harm in holding people at a distance like this. When I am willing to express with an open heart, the reactions (if any) don’t matter so much; only that I expressed love.
James this is an amazing blog, it really made me realize that by not fully expressing in the moment, that energy in the body has to either vent at some other stage when built up like a pressure cooker, hence the saying letting off steam or stagnate in the body causing disease. Getting to a point where anything that is not love is abuse, is presented and lived so well by the Benhayons, it is only a matter of choice and we can live it too.
We wonder why we have so many wars and hateful behaviour in the world and yet we do not allow us to look at where it is coming from. It does not come from one moment to the next, it grows slowly. It is that we step by step, step away from what we know is true and loving, we let thoughts creep in, think ill about another, start talking about another, make remarks, roll our eyes and so. We do it in the small and think it is ok and only cry abuse or horror when it reaches extremes. All the while that what we are living is not as harmless and loving we might think it is.
We tend to look for abuse in the things people do, the more hidden forms of abuse are in the things we don’t say or do, as you so clearly outline, James!
This is so true felixschumacher8. Great blog James!
Awesome blog James, this line says it all “For me anything that does not come with love is abuse.” As I become aware of more subtle layers of abuse it’s amazing how insidious it can be in many areas of our lives.
When we are not taking responsibility for how we are and letting ourselves behave or act in a way that is not truly from the Love we are, then we always are abusing ourselves and our bodies first before this flows on as abuse to others.
I agree James that anything that does not come from love is abuse, and I am learning everyday how to stop abusing myself and others. To stop the disregard and to care again deeply for myself and others. As children we were not abusive, but the world quickly taught us this. I would also call emotions an abuse as well. We all come from love and it shows how far we have come from that and the tolerance and the levels of abuse that have become normal every day.
Thank -you James this is really food for thought, there is so much in this blog that really exposes the sliding scale that we buy into as a society, if it wasn’t for this discussion I would not have become so consciously aware as I am now as even the unexpressed thoughts and emotions that we would have liked life situations to be ! this really brings so much responsibility to respect others more and to really consider how much we dump on someone else. On the other hand when I choose to feel my tenderness and love that is what others get when I meet them.
Well said James “anything that does not come with love is abuse.” This is what I too have learnt from the teachings and presentations as a student of Universal Medicine. The energy with which we say something, or is said to us, can make the difference between it being a loving or an abusive expression.
When I am not connected to my body and my tenderness, present with what I’m doing, thinking about some future event I am in abuse.
Firstly to my self and my body, for how can I be loving and caring if I’m not present and connected, I tend to bump into things and overeat etc.
Secondly if I haven’t been loving with myself then how is it possible that I can treat others with love and true care? I can bring in a politeness and go through the acts of doing things that look caring, being nice etc. but there will be no truth to my actions and in fact they will be abusive.
This is a new level of self-responsibility and definition of what I thought abuse to be in the past.
Plenty to ponder here James, thank you. I am seeing more and more that any time I am less than loving and accepting towards myself, it is abuse and any time I am less than loving and accepting towards another it is the same, it is abuse. Whether in thought, word or deed, there is no difference, it is abuse.
Too easily we fall into the trap of comparison where we disregard what we are feeling because compared to someone else it doesn’t appear as bad. We do this with our health, our work and even in our relationships. I have also become aware that abuse, unless very obviously physically or mentally damaging, has become so commonplace that it is has become an acceptable part of human behaviour. When we become aware and connect to our tenderness and are willing to be more caring towards ourself then it is less likely that we will tolerate being abused in any form by anyone else.
When I re-set what abuse was, it was scary to see and feel the abuse that I had been accepting in my life, from myself and from others and the world. Like a parent teaches a child to do something, I needed to re-parent myself to live with no abuse from myself and to deal with the subtleties of abuse that infiltrate each and every part of my life.
Thank you James for inspiring me to recognise that anything that is not coming from love is abuse and thus creating my new ‘norm’ and reflecting that out to others.
Anything that is not coming from love is abuse, so simple and true.
Complication is abuse.
“For me anything that does not come with love is abuse” And that is how simple it is.
Thank you James I love this blog, abuse is something I have been pondering on – often I will call it out in another, when it is obvious and big, but I have accepted abuse and still do at times in the most subtle of ways – be it in another person bullying others by their emotional outburst because of the choices they have made, someone who feels miserable trying to bring down another who feels joy, or someone else projecting jealousy – but on an even more devious and subtle level the abuse I still choose for myself – even going off into the thoughts in my head, self doubt or overriding my body and not honouring how it feels. These are all forms of abuse – anything I choose that stops me from being myself.
Thank you for re-defining abuse James, as it is far more insidious than we have been led to believe. I now realise that my first thoughts as I wake are either loving and harmonious, or abusive. Anxiousness, criticism, doubting that I will be given everything I need to live my day – I have a choice to indulge in emotions or to choose trust and acceptance instead. I am becoming more aware of my thoughts throughout my day. Not speaking truthfully to others to be nice is something to watch out for. Sympathy is abusive and disempowering to another, as do we think we are better? There are many faces of abuse.
If abuse is anything that does not come from love, then the world is far more abusive that one would ever want to contemplate, a reality that would explain the normalisation and acceptance of such a lesser expression. But even a change in definition could not address the issue, only expose it in its enormity… the key lies in a willingness from each person to build and express from a foundation of love so they would never be, express or tolerate less.
Building a foundation of Love – this is our way out of abuse. Building a foundation of Love in our bodies so that is what we fall back on when issues and reactions come up. This is something that has to be worked on everyday. For me a focus now. Building a foundation of love means to me, that I do and make choices that will support me to express and communicate my love. Not letting our love out is abuse.
The level of awareness offered by Universal Medicine is absolute. Day by day i now see the insipid nature of these subtle abuses which we have allowed to play-out. Recently I realised how one of my oldest friends has been consistently putting me down but because it was packaged in the guise of a joke it was somehow acceptable. I now have enough love in my body to recognise this abusive cycle and call it for what it is.
James – it is a reflection of where you are if you now see anything that is not love as abuse. To me that feels like the absolute truth I have always known.
I love the clarity and simplicity of your definition of abuse James, “any act, gesture thought etc that is not coming from and with love.”
This is so true James. Anything that is not love is abuse.
James this is such a great blog. What I am coming to understand, deeply so, is that the greatest abuse comes from myself at myself. It really is horrible to think that we treat ourselves with such utter disregard and lack of care at times. I am most certainly now changing this way of being and choosing to love myself more and more each day. What I am finding in living this way is I can now feel clearly the many sneaky ways that I have chosen to behave that are abusive to myself and others, the great thing is, each time I feel and identify one of these I can then let it go, choose to no longer behave in that way. Choosing instead my love.
Absolutely leighstrack, I can very much relate to this. What James has exposed is monumental – anything which is not love is abuse but how readily we do not want to go there and feel it, whether it is us who is the abuser or we are allowing abuse of ourselves. It is awesome to shatter apart that there are ‘levels’ of abuse and some ranked lower are condoned – NO – all abuse is just not okay. But to expose further what you have shared leighstrack is the abuse directed at myself – and I wasn’t even aware of it for years. To feel all abuse and then let it go has been life changing.
Life changing for me too Ginadunlop. Very beautifully life changing.
Awesome blog James – it certainly brings about a better understanding of abusive behaviours that indeed before attending presentations from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I would of thought to be ‘normal’ and not at all abusive in my everyday patterns of behaving. As Thomas/Fiona share with us to start with self love/self care this is an awesome start to saying no to abuse.
It is a very sobering moment when you change your perspective on abuse. Until hearing Serge Benhayon present I had accepted slamming doors or being controlling as normal. Serge has an incredible way of showing us how crazy it is that we only accept the extremes of abusive when in truth anything less than living in harmony is abusive.
Your Blog certainly raises the benchmark of being accountable for how we are with others and ourselves. I feel that my treatment of others clearly starts with my treatment of myself, if I’m constantly critical, judgemental and hard with myself, then that clearly is how I relate to others. And when I choose to feel my tenderness and love that is what others get when I meet them.
Thomas what you have written is so true, starting with self love and self care helps us on the road to saying no to abuse.
You offer so much here James, it has me pondering the level of abuse I too continue to allow and distribute in the world, knowing that as you suggest it is because I do not choose to build a loving foundation from which to live. It definitely feels seeing abuse in the ways as you have described above brings greater responsibility to the way we choose to act towards ourselves and each other.
Responsibility is paramount here Jade. What I feel deeply is that responsibility is about committing to supporting myself in full to the best of my ability with how my body needs to be supported, for when I do this it is easy to respond responsibly with others, because I feel full, vital and ready to do what is needed in any given moment.
Thank you James, as I get older my understanding of abuse also changes. From being very sever to being relatively sever to being moderately sever to now behaviours that are even lightly sever. They all vary in intensity but ALL the behaviours are ABUSE no matter the severity. And they are ALL not ok… not just the behaviours that are down the “very severe” spectrum or category. Its incredible that we live in a society that dismisses the less intense abuse as a matter of non urgency as our system is so full and trying to find ways of coping. Its mind boggling, the way that we are actually running things as a society.
A big and very important topic James. I’ve been reflecting a lot on this lately — because once we feel a person truly coming from love, and build true love as a foundation in our own lives, that is lovingly caring for ourselves, then anything less than that tender loving care from others stands out like a sore thumb. A harsh voice is harrowing to the body if we let ourselves be aware of it. We are made to be in, and come from love, and anything less than that hurts us, whether we are aware and honest about this or not.
So true Katerina, learning to stay with myself as I feel these hurts has not been easy, yet when I do, the hurt is there only in the moment then it is gone. If I hold onto the hurt though, it festers and fills my body and it stays alive year after year. I know which way I would rather live, so I commit every day to being fully present with my body. Committing to feel EVERYTHING. And to let it be simply as it is and continue on with my life.
Goodness James, it really is food for thought isn’t it? The bit that stood out for me was another potential definition for abuse… ‘a reaction to our unexpressed thoughts and emotions that we would have liked life or situations to be, being expressed at a later date’… that really is a game-changer because it puts so much responsibility on our shoulders to respect others more and to really consider how much we dump on someone else. Since considering this and being more aware of it in my life I have found that I didn’t react less but I actually owned my reaction and shared it with the person I thought I had dumped on. The result has been that I have reacted less and discussed/shared more! It has been freeing for me and so much less abusive to others. Many thanks for putting it so eloquently.
The abuse can come in so many ways, you are right James, and before my time with universal medicine, I was not able to see the different types of abuses. The more I connect to myself, the quicker I see, when I abuse myself or others or when somebody else is abusing me. Thanks to Universal Medicine – my awareness is getting so much bigger every day and in the future I won’t allow any abuse. Instead – I choose love.
Thank you James, so well shared – and it exposes the sliding scale that we buy into as a society in allowing abuse to get to the extreme before we call it for what it is. The earlier we learn to catch this, the less it gets to escalate and the better off we all are for it. Calling abuse for what it is the moment that any expression is stepping out of being loving is the the first port of call.
Yes James, I am saying no to any form of abuse that is obvious to me now and also becoming acutely more aware of other subtle forms of abuse, such as the tones and energy of emails that come loaded. They can sometimes come coated with sugar and spice yet underneath it all they pack an energetic punch – whether it be distain, jealousy, fury etc. These are all forms of abuse and no different to the physical punch only more cloaked and deviant in their facade. Being able to discern what is energetically going on allows me to stay connected to the truth of what I feel and to develop an understanding of what is happening in the given situation.
This is so true Marcia, discerning the truth of anothers expression, be it email, or any other type of human connection, is very empowering. Trusting what I feel and not reacting are the steps that I am tenderly taking now. Learning each day to respond with love and tenderness, even though I can feel the hurt and abuse that is coming towards me.
‘ From the Latin where the word takes its origins it could be expanded to be a mis-use of energy.’ The nitty gritty part of abuse that not everyone wants to see. I agree James, the more we make love our foundation for ourselves the more what is abusive sticks out like a sore thumb. There is a lot of things I wouldn’t accept now days that I would have accepted in the past.
Great Blog James. There are no excuses for abuse here and it feels like you have stripped it down to the truth – anything that is not love, or does not comes from Love is abuse. Simple really. Thank you.
” Could it be that one of the causes of our abusive tendencies can be simply expressed as ‘a reaction to our unexpressed thoughts and emotions that we would have liked life or situations to be, being expressed at a later date’ – so it is like a venting, a coping mechanism.” A great point James. So often our loved ones get the reaction – at a later date – when we should have expressed our feelings to someone else at the time. Why is it that the people we love and care for the most often get the roughest deal?
Your last statement James is something to be very honest about, there is still so much in my life I have allowed to be in there what it not love. I know I am love and every human being is love, why am I allowing a lesser quality of me of others, what is my foundation? Truly I does not want to be abusive in any way, you gave me a lot to ponder on, thank you!
Abuse: to use wrongly. When the origins of words are brought up it makes me stop and see how far away the accepted description/perception of such a word has become. As I am learning that the quality that can be felt in the body is what determines the quality of whatever I do. So if I am not aware of the quality of love in the body then there is a mis-use of what the body can do, there is a bastardisation of how the body can express. Thank you for this James.
Great Blog James. One of society’s greatest problems is comparison, and our propensity to compare everything according to the lowest common denominator. In the case of abuse, there are so many forms of abuse that we do not even consider so, such are the extreme cases of abuse that we compare them to. Such comparison prevents us from seeing the simplicity of what is and what is not true.
“For me anything that does not come with love is abuse” this is a beautiful redefinition of what abuse is. It asks us to step up in our relationships with ourselves and others and not accept anything less than love. Imagine a world where we didn’t accept anything less than love – this involves being completely honest and taking responsibility for all our thoughts, actions and omissions.
Yes this is great Lee and worth putting to action now, to the best of our abilities, so this world can become the new normal.
Brilliant blog James. There are so many instances I see on a day to day basis where people vent and let out their emotions on the people around them, but neither them or the receiver seem to see it as abuse. We need to not only stop being abusive to others and ourselves, but also stop accepting it, because how is anyone going to ever know different if they are allowed to say, do and behave however they wish.
I completely agree, it’s shocking what has become accepted as normal, we all have an individual responsibility to change this by not accepting the behaviours we know deep down we know is abuse.
I agree Susie, with awareness of what abuse is we have a responsibility to call it out, only then will society start to change our crazy perspective on what is acceptable or not.
This is a very important subject you raise James. The more I realise where I have/am being abusive the more subtle levels of abuse I discover in myself. However, if I turn that around, so to speak, what I am in fact actually discovering is deeper levels of love.
Well said Jonathan. To see the more subtle levels of abuse around us we do need to first see own own choices to be abusive. And what a beautiful way to look at what is being revealed, nothing but another invitation to go deeper and not resist the love that is there waiting to be felt and expressed.
Well said Jonathan. For me, if it’s not Love, it’s abuse. I am still abusive to myself and others at times. The level of love I have for myself is forever unfolding, as I claim more love I express more love.
Great to read this this morning as I was contemplating earlier the consequences of my not responding to an email that hit out hard. I can see that by not speaking up it is allowing abuse to continue. Often when we are confronted by abuse past hurts may come up and an argument or disagreement can ensue which allows for abuse to continue.The most loving act has to be to openly call out the abuse with truth, in the most loving way possible, no defence, protection or investment, but saying it as it is.
I love coming back to this blog. What I have discovered is that what I thought was abuse was merely the very tip of the iceberg. There are so many more abusive behaviours than just physically or verbally abusing someone. I fully agree with your statement at the end, that abuse is prevalent because we have not fully committed to a life of love and nothing but love and hence this allows us to keep pockets of abuse in our lives, which can simply be just not being as loving as we can to someone.
Great to re-read this today and what stood out was the following sentence ‘For me anything that does not come with love is abuse.’ For me this is being constantly re-defined particularly as I look more closely at the ways I have allowed abuse from myself and the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) ways this can play out. The more I am open to feeling what my body is trying to communicate, and am willing to take responsibility for truly caring for myself, the more layers of abuse are exposed.
I so agree Helen the abuse starts with how we are with how we are with our self. I love this “the more I am open to feeling what my body is trying to communicate, and am willing to take responsibility for truly caring for myself, the more layers of abuse are exposed.” Yes for then even the subtlest self abuse will continue to be exposed as the levels of self care develops and deepens.
Well said Helen and Kathleen, examining our own abusive behaviour towards ourselves is an important place to start, as you say, because the body will inform us of even the subtlest loveless action or thought if we listen to it. Once we do this, it is possible to then look at how our behaviour affects those closest to us.
A beautiful and very important conversation to start James. We all agree that physical and mental abuse is not just not ok but abhorrent but are we willing to be open to the deeper more subtle levels of abuse that we have allowed at many levels in our lives and that are reflected in our society as a whole?
A great blog, James. Certainly since being exposed to the teachings offered by Universal Medicine, what I regard as abuse has dramatically changed. I can now see how I used to accept my own bad temper and outbursts as a part of the package, and, with no self-love, how impossible it was to even realise when someone close to me was being abusive towards me.
It is true, having experienced the same Fumiyo it is amazing to reflect back on how lost I was before Universal medicine.
Thank you James, for your clarity in expression regarding what we consider abuse. I too, since attending Universal Medicine, have understood how abuse can come at us at so many different levels that normally we would not consider to be abusive, however I can look back when I have been in this situation, and even though I didn’t think what I was experiencing was abuse, every part of my body could feel it as it was not coming from a loving place.
I now have turned things around and live my life with more love than ever before and can easily feel when something is abusive and put a stop to it.
I agree Francisco and have been saying no to abuse in my life. The other side of redefining what abuse is, is the realisation of the times I have, and still are, abusive and having this as unacceptable in my way of interaction.
Thank you James, for presenting us with the true meaning of the word abuse. It saddens me to observe, as you write, that many forms of abuse have been normalised and accepted in society, with only the major forms, physical violence and sexual, being taken notice of. It is certainly time that we said “stop” to any form of abuse, especially that of ourselves, and to no longer accept that which has become normal. Just because it is accepted as normal does not meant that it is right.
James this is a great blog – “Could it be possible that abuse, or being abusive towards another or ourselves, is simply any act, gesture, thought etc. that is not coming from and with love ” – the simple answer I feel is yes. Yet why have we become conditioned to accept what is so called seen as a ‘smaller/ lesser’ abuse as okay. The fundamental truth is any kind of abuse is abuse no matter what. So what is it that makes us think it is okay to accept this abuse? Be it by thoughts in our head, the way we move, close a door, speak to another, control a situation or person, ignore what our body shares with us, what we choose to eat, override our feelings …. I would agree, by experience it comes down to a lack of self – love.
Wow James – what a solid offering on the true meaning of abuse. You are right that ‘words and their meanings, over time, get changed to suit what we en-masse would like them to mean or define.’
We certainly to tailor them to our needs and not the reality of what is going on.
I could say that I too have been abusive with myself and others in the way of a thought or a reaction that is not loving. A great exposing.
Good call James “..could it be that underneath it all we have not committed to love, and nothing but love, as our foundation, our basis of life” I have noticed lately that I self abuse first then it manifests with the outside, confirming it back to me. For example if I eat foods that are not good for my body or in a way that is rushed, or to much, this subtle form of abuse then out plays in my life further down the line with say for example the harshness in how someone responds to me. This realisation has given me greater understanding of the word responsibility and is a forever developing process.
Thank you James. It’s a very humble realisation when we feel how abusive we have become and that how we are abusive has gone so far to the extreme, that we don’t even recognise what you have been sharing….Is not choosing to be love abusive? This is a big ouch, me included. But the beautiful thing with this realisation is knowing that even though we know this we have a choice to change this and no matter our situation or circumstance we can always be love.
Spot on James. Why is it that we have ‘graded’ abuse into normal or acceptable abuse and then extreme and unacceptable abuse?
All abuse is equally damaging – and often the more subtle ‘acceptable’ forms of abuse can be even more long lasting in their harm because they are not called out and exposed for being the abusive behaviours they are; but ignored, tolerated and put up with.
This kind of abuse eats away at people gradually rather than the full blow of extreme abuse. All forms of abuse is a mis-use of energy that is harmful to us all.
That is a very good point James. The precursor to extreme abuse is minor abuse. With thanks to Universal Medicine I am a lot more aware of the minor abuse, the little things that are abusive that we accept every day as normal. Anything that holds someone as being lesser is abusive. These minor abuses are going on in our families, workplaces, and communities everywhere. The only way to be rid of this cancer is to purge it out whenever it surfaces.
You raise something very interesting here “The problem we here come to is that levels of abuse in relationships are seen as ok. We have graded abuse and put it into categories, we use excuses for it.” How can it be that we feel it is okay to grade how abusive we are, it is possible that we have done so because we do not want to face what we are responsible for in life.
I too am learning what abuse feels like, in all its forms. For me, self abuse has played a massive roll in my life and I now find myself abusing myself with self-criticism, judgment and expected perfection. Being hard on myself is abuse and I can see it more clearly then ever. I swapped my affair with abusive substances and took up being my own bully. This is a huge revelation for me and one I want to understand more. Thank you for starting this much-needed conversation James.
Thats very true Meg, manipulation is a good word here as any emotion we use, anger, frustration, jealousy, is used to make another feel less. Understanding that any thought, action or word that doesn’t have love in it is abuse is a great starting point because when we are aware we always have the choice to change it.
I have the same understanding of the word abuse as you present in this blog. We have accepted so much, and the more we connect with our essence the more we refine what is and is not loving. Whenever I start expressing what I feel is not love, I get reactions and judgements as being too hypersensitive, as being a wimp or too soft, which is again a type of abuse. So I need to be ready to express my truth and not back off even in the face of those reactions. That is why many times I just don´t point out what I feel is not loving, so I can toddle (or maybe better squeeze myself) along, and I then allow others to get away with it. This is what I would say to your question: What is it that allows us to let ourselves and others get away with it?
What you’ve said, ‘For me anything that does not come with love is abuse.’ This is so true. I have never really considered abuse in this way. There are many forms of abuse but abuse is abuse no matter what level it is at. Thank you for reminding me of this. Anything that is not love is harming.
Awesome blog James – it gave me lots to ponder on. It is sometimes easy to want to unload on someone when I am not feeling as great as I do these days. Your line: “but still why on earth would you want to treat those closest to you, those that you hold dearest to you, at times with such distaste and utter contempt?” really made me feel how I can choose to cherish and love the people around me.
Indeed anything that does not come from love is abusive.
Thank you James for expanding our understanding of abuse and for the reminder us of insidious abusive behaviour
I am reminded of the saying;
“behaviour unchallenged is behaviour encouraged”
So true James. Just because we grade and define different types of abuse does not change the fact that it is abuse just the same. Your blog is a call to responsibly choose love and be love in all our interactions.
Great comment Karen. I totally agree, beautifully expressed.
Anything that is not love is abusive – I agree in full James, and that this is the call we need to make, the true benchmark for defining just what is ‘abusive’, either by behaviour and/or intent.
We hide comfortably behind what we see others doing – so-called ‘norms’ – when we do know what is true all along. Giving up on the truth just hasn’t worked, and your brilliant article completely lights the way forward to a far more honest and loving society. Thank-you.
What causes us to be abusive? A great question James and one that I will ponder deeply – not just for me but the society as a whole – we need to keep calling it out however subtle it is.
Wow! James this has really made me (and many others I feel sure) sit up and feel into
what you have shared with us all. Thank you.
There are lots to ponder on in what you wrote James. Thank you for reminding us all to reflect on how we feel, live, do things, etc. every moment.
WOW, so beautifully expressed James – thank you. We have as a society allowed abuse, in all its forms, to become a normality. And it often the case that the less obvious forms of abuse are causing the most harm. We are all expressing energy which is either loving (healing) or harming. And as a result of not taking responsibility for the way we are, for addressing and healing our hurts we instead cast our frustration, anger out on others or play games, through the way we interact in our relationships. I absolutely agree that – ‘For me anything that does not come with love is abuse. Any hidden agenda, form of control, any remark or action that is not loving, is abusive.’ A powerful call to deepen our awareness of the responsibility that we all have, to choose the way we are when we are in relationship with another.
Thank you for sharing this James. It is interesting to re-establish, or redefine, the meaning of abuse and to look at all the aspects of your life when you have not been treated with love, or not treated another with love. This raises the standard to be one of first and foremost being love. What a beautiful way to live.
Awesome James, very exposing to look at what we have settled as being okay when it is in fact abuse. As you say – anything less than love is abuse – it seems we have dropped the benchmark significantly and forgotten the fact that we are love!
Thanks James, a willingness to look at misuse of energy as a form of abuse is truly confronting to consider, given all that I have chosen in my life but ultimately the level of responsibility that is needed.
Great point Joel – it is “ultimately the level of responsibility that is needed”, energetic responsibility and integrity is the missing link many of us choose to not be because it means looking at each and every action. Whilst it may be daunting or confronting to many, which it can at first, the more you work on your quality of being and say yes to love, the more the abusive behaviours, patterns and tendencies disappear from your life – at least that is what I have found – without any perfection or beating myself up when they slip in!
Agree James, what I got from your investigation into the Latin definition of abuse: “The origins of the word abuse come from the Latin abus – ‘misused'”, then for me this would signal or mean that for something to be ‘misused’, then there has to be first ‘an original’ or ‘pure source’. It makes sense that the original source is love, and why then, when love is not used, it is mis-used – and hence there is an abuse. When we look at it like this we can start to see just how much we’ve allowed abuse to be ‘the norm’ in our lives. And when we consider that anything that is not its original love, is only abuse, we see also how deep the irresponsibility of our mis-use is.
Great blog James and lots to ponder on.
Wow – this is powerful James. You have perfectly exposed how we use words to remain comfortable in our misery. Thank you.
Simply keeping another out because there is hurts not dealt with within you is a form of abuse that can continue a cycle of hurt and rejection in the world.
It is quite confronting to look at our behaviours towards people and to take responsibility for any interactions that have been (or still are) less than the love we know ourselves to be. Thank you for breaking down the origins of the word, and bringing to light that abuse is a misuse of energy.
Your blog for me James is very simple as you said, anything that is not love, is abuse, and I feel this is true also. I now try and ask myself “is it love?” in all aspects of my life, and this can be challenging at times. But I keep the focus on being love and in connection, and give myself the space first to be with my breath before speaking or reacting”
Great article James. It’s about my own innate awareness for the truth and my deeper level of care for myself that allows me to feel a very different level of how everyone should be treated with the utmost care and love. In the past my reactions and actions were used instead of expressing how I truly felt at the time. This is definitely something to explore further.
I feel that when I’m disconnected to my body and the quality of my breath that I become abusive to myself. When I’m not present with what I’m doing and thinking ahead to what I will be doing, I can easily bump my toe or react to my partner or friends. I feel there is a big responsibility here, when I choose not to be connected and present with me, how that affects everyone.
Thank you James for raising the important topic of what abuse really is.
The levels of abuse I allow are still way too high, I know that for sure but the normalisation of abuse as you share in this blog makes it easy to let them go and not truly feel what it is doing to yourself and another! If only we could see how much we hurt others with our words but because energy is not visual we can gloss over and ignore what we can most certainly feel and know is going on. Only we can call time and stand up for truth.
I know I often, if not always felt and feel in my body when there is abuse, whether by me or by others around me. There is a contraction and a shutting down of the heart, a protection from the hurt. Because also if we are the abuser, we hurt ourselves doing that.
The more sensitive we get, the more abuse stands out and needs to be adressed. Very uncomfortable at times, but it doesn’t help us to keep quiet.
So instead of reacting anywhere now, I’m going say I have a sore thumb and check it out, instead of getting all up tight and serious thanks James
Such a great article. We have normalized abuse and violence to a level that we don’t even know anymore what it truly means to live without any abuse. Working with teenagers we are exploring the fact that yelling at each other is abuse, that talking in the classroom while the teacher is speaking is abuse, that not listening to others is abuse, etc. Its very revealing of how far we are from living love and not abuse.
The thing that stood out when I was reading your blog James, is that we have made it the normal to accept anything that is not love, and only when it comes to very extreme cases, like physical actions, do we call it abuse.
So true James, if we are not coming from a foundation of love then it is abuse.
As a practitioner of the EBM I witness how many women at first think that the touch they have had in the past from others is abusive only if they have been sexually assaulted, many eventually get to feel after a series of EBM’s that actually any touch that is not loving is abusive…this is revolutionary for women and this then enables them to support the men to be more their tender loving selves.
It would be a real game changer if humanity as a whole explored, as you have, the depths of abuse. Things that were once seen as funny would be seen in a very different light. I feel simply by living in a less abusive way with myself I get to share this with others. We are so very powerful simply through our expression.
I agree Brendan, this is definitely something to consider and ponder. What is normal and acceptable? Very different for everyone.
I love this blog James! I like how you reduce it to simple things that are already very abusive. I agree, a foundation of love is the absolute abuse-killer and developing and building this foundation is the most important thing for me in life.
AMAZING, WELL SAID. I love where you have come to with this. This feels absolutely true to me. When ever there is an act, gesture or even thought that does not hold someone with love it can only be described as the opposite, ‘not love’ and what is not love is Abuse. We as humans are capable of so much more.
Arieljoymuntelwit, indeed: “We as humans are capable of so much more” than they we are generally living today.
This is a great blog James. It is bringing the possibility that everything we do not to do with love is abusive. And as I have been reading this it has allowed me to truly feel again what is true abuse, and how I am abusive to myself and others around me. Everything that is not done with love is an irresponsible act to me and everyone around. This I feel is something I can work on every day.
Well said Benkt – it is amazing how insidious abusive behaviours are. Indeed being more loving with ourselves is something we can all work on each and everyday!
So true Sue, we need to start with ourselves and become aware of any negative behaviour towards ourselves. Only then will we be able to detect and say no to abuse from the outside.
“For me anything that does not come with love is abuse. Any hidden agenda, form of control, any remark or action that is not loving, is abusive.” Well said James – it makes me ponder on how common it is in society to hide truth, or to only give out parts of it (hidden agenda etc.) that to actually come from love/truth is seen as strange and even rude. I know myself that before I had met Serge Benhayon I had never considered how immensely important truth is, for me it was always about what do I say to not make anyone fell uncomfortable – thinking that pleasing would serve better than the great service it is to another to offer truth – that is love.
Well said Eva and a very big appreciation for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine
James a super powerful exposure of what is true abuse is in all it’s forms.
I know I have allowed myself to abuse people behind closed doors and then feel how awful this is. I have found this often comes when I am not willing to address something that has presented for me. Instead of dealing with it, I will dump it on another. I know this is simply not ok as you have shared anything less than love is a abuse and we need to take responsibility to develop love as our foundation of life.
James this is a cracker of an article. It really made me stop and re-evaluate where my abuse barometer is right now. I know it’s shifted and feels better but it feels like I am I still allowing abuse where there could be love. It is this constant reflection and assessment that allows us to get more real, and more truthful with what is actually going on. It is then an opportunity to love more deeply pushing the abuse to the surface so it can be finally let go of.
I have never read anyone write or talk about abuse in the way you did in your blog. To bring it out of the consciousness that abuse is “only” a physical or psychic thing happening in partnerships or in the meaning of men abusing women or kids. The way you’ve expressed is to me a re-imprinting of the word abuse. A mirror to be honest about myself having been abusive – even in a passive way. That using someone or something as an excuse to not do things is abusive.
I agree Christina. What James offers us all is a new level of responsibility through understanding the true meaning of abuse.
Presenting abuse in this way is confronting for us all, or at least I could say it is for me. It not only brings up the lack of love I have had with others, but also the lack of love I have in my own thoughts of myself, and thus the self-abuse that is present.
Oh so true, Heather!
Thank you James, for bringing light to such an important aspect of of lives and the need to take responsibility in the way we express in life.
Awesome blog James. It really puts abuse into perspective for me. It is very true what you have said that anything that is not love is abuse. The questions you have raised here are extremely honest and needed. You have brought another level of awareness for me to reflect upon to deeply ponder on my previous action and thoughts to see what changes are needed for me to live, act and express in love. Thank you James.
Thank you James. It is a little confronting but at the same time inspiring to read these words. Committing to love really does highlight what is abuse because in doing so we confirm who we are and where we come from… Love. And it makes more room for itself. I have found my self accepting abuse less and less and my interactions with others that are not of pure love being registered straight away.
I love this Anne. When we go for Love and being open to understanding what Love truly is and that our accepted forms of Love so far are not it, everything that is not loving in our lives, comes up for us to let go of. We can actually hold onto what is not loving, as it can be familiar, comfortable and there can be a fear of treading unfamiliar waters. One example of what I always thought was loving was being nice and polite. In not wanting to rock the boat or upset anyone one I had decided that the way to love others is to be polite and nice and do without. However this I am noticing is a form of abuse, as I start to feel the tension held in my body from this type of behaviour which requires a lot of suppression of how I really want to be.
Amazing Shevon I can relate to what you wrote about being polite and nice and that this is a from of abuse. I know from myself that this tension has to come out somehow and often it came out and abused again.
A powerful blog James – very true what you have shared. Thank you for writing about abuse in such an honest way, for too long we only have seen the extreme forms of abuse as wrong. We need to call out abuse at every level no matter how small – especially with the ways we abuse ourselves – pushing ourselves to the limit, overeating, negative self talk etc. All starts with us being honest and responsible and building the relationship with ourselves and others in a deeply loving way – abuse cannot exist when true love is present.
Absolutely James, the level of responsibility that is needed to not be abusive in any way is massive for people. Once you start to feel what your responsible is, you start to feel what level abuse starts at. It starts at not being love.
Great points you have raised here. That levels of abuse seem normal! How did we let this happen? No level of abuse should be seen as ‘normal’ or tolerated and this exposes currently how we have let this become. There cannot be any form of abuse in ANY pocket of the world. Secondly ‘Words and their meanings, over time, get changed to suit what we en-masse would like them to mean or define’. What you have expressed here is so true. We change words and their meanings to suit our needs not to align with truth and what is true.
Awesome writing James, very much needed discussion. The normalisation of abuse and violence in any form is massive in society. Just the other day in a workshop with teenagers we talked about how abusive yelling at each other is and it was hard for them to identify it as abuse, as it is their normal. Abuse absolutely starts with how I am with myself and how much abuse I build up in my body by not being self-loving and living from a foundation of love. This is then the marker of how much abuse I may accept from others. To truly stop abuse we have to start with self-caring and self-loving choices and build our foundation of love.
“It would be great to have the ‘one day’ come sooner rather than later.” Here, here to that Ariana.
James, thank you for sharing your understanding of what abuse is, and what it is not, and for also highlighting so clearly that anything that does not come from love is abuse. You have given me plenty to ponder on.
Truly James, what is not of love begins to stand out like a sore thumb more and more so when we commit to love. How it is so easy with a moment of lack of awareness, can abuse creep in but also how much quicker we can now identify it and choose again, in all our relationships. And so simply too as you have shared, choosing to express things as they feel, there is a lot less of a need to go into abuse. How truly amazing is the awareness in expression–where evolution happens.
James, this is a great blog and a very important matter. When I read what you wrote on its Latin roots the word evolution came to me. Abuse, feels to me is the misuse of an opportunity to evolve by means of behaviours, words, thoughts, gestures, ways of relating, etc. that are unloving and untruth. If this is true, I have a long way to go to eliminate this word from my word bank, a clear path to walk to do so.
‘abuse’ = a mis-use of energy: This for me feels like something true.
It opens a whole new platform to discuss abuse. Thank you James!
I can understand what you are saying here James. Since I have been a student of Universal Medicine and allowed myself to be more love, my anger and frustration levels have subsided and I don’t lose it as much as I used to, in fact hardly ever. My Dad did shift work all of the time my siblings and I were growing up. Boy did he explode with abuse if we woke him up. That is where I learnt such bad behaviour. Amazing. Thanks.
Thank you so much James, your blog just offered me the key why I sometimes tend to feel so stressed and express hard and full of contempt. This happens in a rush I cannot control and afterwards I look at me and the situation I have created in utter disbelieve, unable to grasp that I was capable of doing or saying something that absolutely does not feel to be me.
Now I can feel so deep inside me that it is the unexpressed thoughts and wishes, which create such a pressure within me and then explode. Expression is the key :o)
Thank you James for opening up this discussion. This sentence stood out:
“Could it be possible that abuse, or being abusive towards another or ourselves, is simply any act, gesture, thought etc. that is not coming from and with love.”
Many different levels here and lots to ponder on.
This is a very revealing article, James, and exposes in a very understandable way how humanity has chosen to be in total ignorance of the true meaning of abuse. I love your description of slamming the door and the shock waves that go through everyone’s bodies. That it is that energy expressed in a subtler way that is also very harming, is what is generally not recognised or felt. I feel that the abuse to others comes from the abuse we give ourselves, for if we are lacking in confidence and out of connection with our inner self, then we abuse ourselves with harmful thoughts all the time, and that gets reflected out onto others. It is a vicious circle that we can break through recognising this fact and choosing a different energy.
The words that you have quoted were what stuck out for me too Rebecca. Your comment is very helpful, because I was feeling how I could not live to the standard of the quote, that ‘anything that does not come from love is abuse’, but having read your comment I now see how I can accept those words as truth, and allow them to guide me, even as I fall short of living them.