by Nicole Serafin, aged 40, Australia
I thought that I had the perfect relationship: a partner who was totally trustworthy, supportive and always allowing me to do whatever I felt to – he never questioned my decisions or my choices. We had a great life; travelling overseas regularly, being able to buy whatever we wanted to, whenever we wanted to, had great friends, three dogs and an amazing property. Along with a successful business which I had built up from scratch in an area I had only just moved to.
Things were going well and I could not really ask for anything more – that was on a superficial level. We were kept busy with work and living a busy life full of many different distractions, some of which were maintaining the property we lived on, looking after our dogs, the business… and sitting back having the occasional drink and joint. The ‘occasional drink and joint’ was our way of rewarding ourselves for all the hard work we had done either earlier that day or that week; also it was a way of dealing with and trying to forget any of the stresses that the week or day had presented.
I began to consider, why was it that we needed a reward for all that we had done or put up with, why was it that we could not just enjoy what we had or what we had achieved without having to reward ourselves? Was it possible that we would be able to appreciate all that we had and all that we had achieved without drugs or alcohol? I began to make some small changes to my life and the way that I lived: soon it became obvious that it was possible to live without the drugs, alcohol or rewards, even though it was something that I was definitely not used to and found difficult to accept. I was surrounded by people and a society that stated otherwise, I had been conditioned to live in a particular way that encouraged and supported the rewards, no matter what they may be… some being more socially accepted than others. We, as individuals and as a society, had become so used to being rewarded (not just as young adults but also from birth), that we had forgotten how to live any other way.
It was a sad moment to think that the only way that we could appreciate ourselves or what we had achieved was by rewarding ourselves with something, whether it was a nice meal, a drink, a joint, a gift, or a trip away to somewhere nice. When I look back, it had always been the same. When I was young I was given something as a reward if I had been well behaved, done as I was asked, or achieved something that was pleasing to another. This was a pattern that continued in my life and I had begun to reward myself as I had been rewarded as a child; in the same way that my parents also rewarded themselves.
I had no idea how to admire or appreciate myself for who I was, or the things that I did, without these rewards. I began to realise that, yes, it was ok to treat myself, but I needed to look at why I was doing this, and what was the purpose behind it. Universal Medicine allowed me to come to realise that I did not need an excuse or a reason to appreciate myself, nor did I need to buy myself gifts to reinforce that appreciation. However, I did need to relearn how to appreciate myself for who I was.
Well, to appreciate myself for who I was, without having to achieve or succeed, without the drugs, alcohol or excessive lifestyle, would be a whole new world for me (a world that at first I couldn’t imagine). However, with the support of what was being presented by Universal Medicine, I was able to feel that this was a possibility. That I was enough being me… and that yes, I was able to live in a way that at first I thought was not at all possible. Of course, my relationship that looked perfect was in fact far from it, and once I started making changes in my life and taking more responsibility for the way I was living, the truth of the relationship started to become exposed… and then it broke down. This was not due to Universal Medicine, but due to the fact that my relationship had many faults and flaws in it from the very beginning. These faults and flaws neither of us had ever dealt with, but instead pushed aside with a few drinks, joints or distractions of some kind… pushed aside until the next time they reared their ugly heads. With all of the distractions in life, along with the alcohol and drugs, there was never the openness to want to, or even be bothered to go there in the first place and address whatever was not working. Without the drugs, alcohol or the distractions I was able to see clearly that our relationship was one of an arrangement and convenience for us both.
We were living a great life, mostly funded by me, which was my choice. I wanted to live a particular lifestyle and he was able to live that life with me. When I began to look closely at why I was living in a particular way and started to change things he was not ready for these changes. He was not prepared for his life to change and that was his choice, a choice that I accepted. Every person’s experience is different; for me, my relationship broke down because we had never addressed the issues at hand in the first place, instead living a life of convenience rather than a life of truth.
I have now gone on to marry an amazing man and have a beautiful daughter, with a son on the way. We live a life that we both appreciate; we are both willing to address any issue that may arise and to deal with whatever is not working so as to continue building a life and a relationship based on honesty, truth and love. Our lives are now one that we enjoy completely… without the drugs, alcohol or rewards.
Yes, we still buy ourselves things and enjoy beautiful meals and holidays, but it is not as a reward; it is out of appreciation for ourselves, each other and what we have, it is no longer coming from an emptiness or as a distraction to fill that emptiness. We do not brush aside issues that need to be addressed, instead opting to confront them no matter how uncomfortable they may make us feel. For this I thank Universal Medicine, for the support and knowledge that they have shared with me and many others over the years. It has allowed me to see and feel that there is more to life and that there are possibilities out there for things to be different.
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
A relationship with a foundation of truth and openness can only expand.
Life motivated by rewards has a very subtle undertone that says ‘What’s in it for me?’ and feels somewhat revengeful. This way of living is not uncommon, and equally with this not uncommon outcome of not being met, we seek more rewards. I get a sense that this is just another aspect of withdrawal, that it does not activate our true essence for us to feel truly loved.
Love what you have shared Nicole, and turning our life up-side down in the way you have is such a joy to read about and be a part of.
Appreciating ourselves for who we are and not what we do.. this is such a huge turnaround for most of us who grew up with concept of being rewarded for ‘being good’…good behaviour meaning well behaved and not causing any problems – complying with someone else’s idea of what being ‘good’ and doing well is, and all based on behaviour. To start to appreciate – even accept ourselves – for who we are and not what we do can feel like a significant challenge to start with, but as we drop the layers of protection, start connecting to and expressing what we can feel, slowly the self acceptance, appreciation and love builds, and becomes a foundation for everything else.
Life teaches us all of the time, we know that our actions have consequences and choose to be aware of it or not – but in time we do see the truth and the results of our consequences.
There is nothing in society that is reminding us to appreciate ourselves or others, and yet it is such a powerful thing to do for our relationships.
If we continually need to reward ourselves at the end of the day simply because we haven’t stopped and appreciated such things as the simple moments of clarity, wisdom and love that we have experienced throughout our day we will forever be stuck in the superficiality and survival mode of daily human life.
Seeking distractions and remaining in reactions feels really miserable. But that misery only comes to light after experiencing what it’s like to address issues and express what we are feeling to ourselves and others.
I think we all can feel that there is more to life, or at least we can come to that conclusion since the life we try to make work always have holes in it, and no matter how exact we fulfill that picture we have of the perfect life it’s still never enough.
We use the Word ‘reward’ in two different ways: one as way to celebrate our choices, which means that we made ‘the right’ choice, and then we also use it as a synonym of relief, which entails that the choices we seek relief from were not that great. The second one, though is more honest than the first one. We reward ourselves only because of our self-worth issues which are behind the choices we make that created the tension in the body that needs relief.
Having beautiful and loving activities as an expression of oneself, rather than as rewards, brings a whole different dimension and way of living to the one that is at present generally accepted.
It is ironic to acknowledge that so often the form of reward with which we reward ourselves is actually harmful, i.e. alcohol, sugary things, etc.
Curiously I looked up the origin and definition of the word Reward. It’s a repayment. So then if our repayment is harmful to the body was what we put out loving or also equally harming?
I like this distinction between appreciation and reward. Reward seems to be something that keeps us where we are, it says – well done for that and asks for no more. Whereas appreciation is like a constant beholding, because with it there is an knowing of who you are and of what you have yet to discover. Appreciation, I find, is encouraging for more.
Reward for me means something that is given in exchange for something, and is never free. I might have worked very hard or done something really well, but if I needed a reward, could it be that I didn’t really enjoy doing whatever I have done and perhaps there was an element of resentment for it to be recognized and reciprocated in the form of reward? So if I need to sprinkle my life with rewards, what is going on? And here I can feel how I can play with words – reward/celebration/appreciation etc. and trick myself into justifying or judging whatever I call what I do but really, in my honesty, I do know what is going on, and it is worth appreciating.
Yes we can absolutely live a ‘normal’ life but the intention is to support ourselves rather than escape the misery we are experiencing…the two may look similar but the quality of life is completely different.
It’s amazing how appreciating ourselves we open up a much deeper dialogue with who we are, how we move and how we live everyday and thus we are able to grow from these opportunities also. Appreciation is a much bigger expression because, we are not only appreciating who we are but also confirming others within this movement too and that is very powerful.
When we reward ourselves for what we do we dishonour the being within…
Yes Thomas, the reward reduces us. We are much more than enough just for being who we are and this is complete in itself.
Lovely sharing Nicole, thank you. Yes, it seems we seek rewards when there is a lack of appreciation – and this lack is because we do not appreciate ourselves. This is such an important thing to understand and to live. It is a ‘new’ pulse to life, a pulse of appreciation.
The biggest “reward” these days for me is to spend time with myself. I’m with me all day but often I can be so focussed on the doing that I’m not really with me. The times during the day where it’s all about me and my connection – the shower, putting on my makeup, cooking…these moments are growing and they are a lovely foundation in my life.
Exploring life without drugs and alcohol is a brave step because it opens the door for who you truly are to start to come out and be expressed, which brings change.
Interesting how we learn from an early age that when we do something we should be rewarded, to the point that we learn to reward ourselves for certain things, and we accept this as normal, yet feeling into it more deeply why if we do something well would we need a reward, because it should be enough knowing that we did it to the best of our ability.
Since choosing to be a student of Universal Medicine, I’ve exposed so much about many of my relationships I’ve held with people and it wasn’t always from the truth, it felt more from convenience, security and rewards.
There are still elements of these patterns playing out but appreciate I can recognise them playing out more often and be an observer and bring understanding whilst before I was caught in the emotional turmoil of it all.
It’s interesting to explore the patterns we are possibly repeating as adults that we started when we were young. Who would have thought they things would just keep playing out over and over again. Why do we think things do this? Is life about possibly healing the things that don’t fit with how we naturally are? So if you accepted or adopted a way when you were young that wasn’t truly your way then this way would come again or be repeated in your life over and over until such time you set your path naturally and truly back to you again, sounds pretty cool.
What is it about us that we can’t just appreciate ourselves without the need for something outside of ourselves to fulfill us? I know this is something I struggled with in the past a lot, always needing a special treat or reward to complete me in someway, so your blog Nicole is a great reminder that we can heal any patterns when we truly connect to ourselves and begin to make choices that are more loving and true.
When you talk about a few drinks and a joint, I’m reminded of this saying about ‘taking the edge off life’ meaning that these make life more comfortable. But what about those edges? What are they saying… that they need looking at, understanding, working on so they no longer cause the friction… not that they should be swept under the carpet in whatever way we have learnt to avoid them (only to resurface later in the day / week / year / life.
We can get to the end of the day and/or the end of the week in more than the usual way that just wants relief by whatever means we get relief from. Yet, no needing relief requires a different kind of movement during the day, one filled with purpose.
Giving and receiving a reward for ‘good’ behaviour is like giving the dog a reward when it obeys your command. A way to have control over another!
Thank you Nicole for a great sharing, the reward loop is an interesting one. Way back in my younger days there was no reward for being good, that was just expected of you, I was so devoid of rewards that to learn now how to appreciate myself is a slow work in progress.
Rewind back 20 years and I could not have ever imagined life without my rewards of alcohols, chocolate, cakes and sweets. Those rewards actually blocked me from appreciating myself and my innate qualities because I was in a habit of ingesting things that numbed me. It was also a convenient way of ignoring things I felt were too difficult to deal with. These days I am actually appreciating myself for me with no need for those rewards. It is a totally different way of living, where I feel I am in the driving seat, taking more responsibility and allowing myself to feel what is going on.
Appreciation is the key to living the real us in the world and treasuring our quality and contribution to the all in which we live.
Beautifully said Deborah, and very true.
The fact that you identified the reward loop you were caught on is amazing. Especially considering you had created such an attractive loop, with money, friends, holidays and so on. Sometimes a glamour’s rewarding loops are the hardest to call out. I love how you break down why we are all so caught in the rewards system, it is to do with how we were raised, we think it as normal. The way I see people organising holidays is based on survival like if they don’t have a break they won’t be able to go on. We have to ask ourselves how we are living if we cannot sustain it? I love what you are offering and although the blog is dated it is still very relevant.
It is interesting how all these ‘rewards’ that we use are actually things that disconnect us and take us out of ourselves, so actually take the possibility to feel true joy, which resides within, away from us.
For a very long time, I mistook rewarding myself as loving myself, and I kept giving and giving as the high was just a spike and short-lived, and my body was never there to verify that ‘love’ I thought I was giving myself.
There is great wisdom in your words Fumiyo for I think we all have been tricked that rewarding ourselves is a loving thing to do – and I am now aware that all too often I am still getting caught out with this mentality.
I feel from this that it is so important to live a steady and evolving life, engaging with every issue that comes up and it is right to not need the award after the day. Life is very rewarding when we choose to live our true selves.
I actually react to kids being given rewards / points at school for the littlest of things – things that we should do as our normal – like clean up, respectful behaviour, listening, handing, running and errand if asked, working hard etc
Its interesting that we can be bound by a consciousness that says I need this reward or to numb out and this is considered totally normal. I can still feel elements of this in my life- of can I turn off now. Can I turn my light down etc. It is these moments where we allow things to come in and fester that then create a lower vibration and patterns in life and relationships that don’t truly support us.
“.. why was it that we could not just enjoy what we had or what we had achieved without having to reward ourselves?” It’s true, I find it so much more confirming to enjoy my body and all it feels – the achievement now is honouring and feeling more in the body whether that is confirming what I have achieved or committing to more achievement (all in the body). It truly moves you forward and readies you for what’s next and instead of clouding your vision to not be able to simply complete what’s next.
I use to smoke pot on ‘special occasions’ to release myself from the burdens and harshness of life (that I created) not knowing this was creating more burdens and complicating the harshness. No where in my life with all I knew and experienced was there true support.
I did find that true support in Universal Medicine. If you choose to find the Truth you will find it.
I am aware of the rewards systems many parents have today and to me it almost seems like a way of controlling their children, but only as to what the children are doing and not actually giving any appreciation for who they are being. No wonder so many children then grow up into adults who look for or expect a reward for everything they do. This is certainly a way that keeps children from growing into adults who know who they truly are.
Are we truly being appreciative if we need a substance to artificially lift and reward us?
Being in a relationship whereby we fill our lives with distractions and interests gets stale very quickly. As we can feel how we are going nowhere. Having a partner whos willing to confront issues head on, saying no to keeping things between each other is simply beautiful and the relationship has a feeling of growth within it. Experiencing this currently there’s a willingness to explore how deep the relationship can go rather than the feeling of dread and exhaustion in keeping everything under the rug that never goes anywhere until addressed.
Yes we can achieve a ‘good life’ where we live together in peaceful arrangements and co-existence. But true living is always connected with development and discovering more together. Existing can be ‘enough’ for a while – but never for ever. We are made to expand, as the Universe we are a part of does continuously. And if we hold back here – it will be shown.
When we park things and don’t address things, that need addressing we are in effect allowing the rot to set in and really this is not fair on either person for that what you end up living with each other. It great to read your journey with this Nicole and by simply being honest and open there is an opportunity to clean out the rot, and allow for change whatever that may look like.
A great point – if we are seeking to reward ourselves it is likely that we are not appreciating ourselves and confirming our worth in the first instance.
The question of rewarding ourselves is a timely one for me. I can feel it is an ingrained behaviour that I turn to often – probably daily if I’m absolutely honest – and as Nicole pointed out it’s how so many of us were motivated when we were kids – ‘if you do x I’ll give you y’. It’s a band aid that covers the underlying reasons why we might need to motivate ourselves with a dangling carrot – eg. lack of commitment to life, lack of responsibility, low self-esteem, lack of self-appreciation…….
Such honesty and openness Nicole thank you for sharing how we can live a convenient and comfortable life – but is it the truth? Settling for less than we truly are we live in a way that we need the constant distraction and rewards to keep us going. Universal Medicine presentations are a beautiful support in addressing these issues and learning to let go of all that is standing in the way of us living a life of truth and love.
Thank you Nicole for sharing your experience, it is interesting that we need to reward ourselves for comfort and for covering up our undealt with issues all because we feel less, when we come to know who we truly are, we can then appreciate that we are enough just being us.
Oh those rewards! How often do we do something we really don’t want to do, or do it in a way that pushes us beyond our natural physical limits just to receive the reward that is waiting at the end of it? How harming are rewards when they encourage the doing of things for what is waiting and not because we are loving what we are doing, and an outcome is not the only focus? Learning to say no if the process is going to harm us, or others, in any way or undertaking what we are doing with love is so much more honouring of ourselves. No reward needed!
The worst thing we can have in our relationships is comfort. It is a killer of any true love as it superficially allows us to hold onto our hurts and issues without choosing to deal with them.
When I read about the way rewarding ourselves is so ingrained I began pondering how much this need for reward still dominates my life. In fact to be more honest I would substitute the word ‘reward’ for ‘relief.’ And do how am I living if I need ‘relief’ from life. Perhaps I if I choose to enjoy this moment and all the others I won’t need relief.
I love the honesty in this blog and the simple truth of what it is like to let go of our conditioning and realise that we are enough. There is joy in just being ourselves and when we connect with this way of living, our needs for recognition and reward start to fall away – because in truth, they are diversions and distractions from that joy – and we cease seeking and needing them. This is ‘universal medicine’ in action.
Very beautiful to read Nicole. I also deeply appreciate to have come along Universal Medicine and learned to truly live and appreciate myself again. Life is so much fuller lived with this appreciation.
‘Go on reward/treat yourself because you’ve done xyz’, is so common to hear amongst friends, family and colleagues… and the ‘I deserve it!’ But in a justifying way to indulge in something, without an ounce of true appreciation for oneself in it. Even if I don’t say these out loud, I do think them. Something else I noticed this week which is crazy is that when something goes wrong outside of us or we are super busy, instead of taking more care with our bodies and what we are doing, it’s like it’s an excuse to trash or run ourselves down even more.
So true Aimee, I have done this so many times. If rewards were about appreciation they would support our bodies rather than trash them. This is very exposing.
This need to ‘reward’ is a great thing for you to realise Nicole when things were really going well for you. Most people would not be willing to dig deeper and ask themselves these questions. The awareness that something is missing has to be there for us to be willing to investigate further. The so called ‘rewards’ are often people’s way of avoiding facing that something is in fact missing.
“I began to consider, why was it that we needed a reward for all that we had done or put up with, why was it that we could not just enjoy what we had or what we had achieved without having to reward ourselves?”. The reward for me comes from a sense that I did not bring the fullness of me to my life. That is when I feel the impulse to fill an empty space within. It changed my life to understand that I was empty. I learnt at Universal Medicine that I was more than this emptiness I was living.
Something I have found is that the moment I choose not to appreciate something or someone then I immediately take it or them for granted. I know I have done this and catch myself doing it. It feels so abusive and unloving to take another for granted and means you miss out on all the wonder they bring. the same goes for myself, if I do not appreciate myself then I also miss out on the amazingness that I too bring – something that constantly needs appreciating and confirming!
If I don’t appreciate the very little things about myself during my day I find that I’m looking for a ‘treat’ at the end of the day. Something that says my day was worth it, I am worthy and that I deserve to be treated. It’s usually some sort of food that I enjoy, over eating and indulging on a delicious meal that I prepared because I deserve it, something sweet after work, a movie or lazing around doing nothing. All of these things only leave me with the empty feeling I was tying to fill, the gap is still there. The gap can only be filled by appreciating and adoring myself constantly throughout my day by the way I choose to move and a choice to remain deeply connected with myself as well as everyone else and with God and the universe.
Rewarding or treating ourselves to the little pleasures in life is something very much ingrained in society today. Learning to appreciate just how much of a treat we are already is where we are holding ourselves back to connecting to the amazing beings we are and discovering this, is something everyone can enjoy and share in. Thank you Nicole.
What a difference Nicole – thank you for sharing. There is such a vast difference when we truly appreciate ourselves.
Rewarding ourselves is quite prolific in advertising. I recently saw an advert for a chocolate bar, and the slogan was “Reward yourself.” Once upon a time I would have worked, been “good” and done or eaten something to reward myself, and felt really good about it as if I was a well trained puppy and the reward was deserved or earned. I had gotten through the bad (work, study, chores etc) and arrived at the good (ie reward). Now my life is based on love, there is no reward needed because I have the choice to live from love everyday and enjoy how beautiful that feels. Life is not about what I do or hanging out for the weekend or a bowl of ice cream, it’s about every moment being in connection to me and how awesome that feels. No chocolate bar or other reward is desired or needed!
In all honesty our insatiable need to reward ourselves after an achievement is crazy as any triumph should be enough and not leave us wanting more. Together as a humanity we have to start asking why it is that our achievements are never enough so we can truly understand the futility of this merry go round of not feeling enough and begin to build appreciation, respect and integrity as foundational values back into our relationships, homes and communities to produce the change in daily lives that in our hearts we all equally want.
Understanding the difference between rewards and appreciation is interesting. Giving ourselves rewards seems to be filling a gap, an emptyness that even though we have achieved so much we still have something missing. Appreciation is different. Appreciation is full and comes with love and care. The difference, when pondered on, is huge
‘We do not brush aside issues that need to be addressed’… such a small simple statement, yet how often does this happen in all sorts of relationships? Not wanting to rock the boat, we put up with things time and again, we can feel everything that is going on so its impossible to ignore, so we bury it. And so it sits in us, festering till it eventually raises its head…. or we can always douse it with chemical inhibitors or distractions.
It is fascinating that when you seemingly have everything on a temporal sense, if you are not connected to and in appreciation of yourself for who you are, it is not enough for you don’t feel enough. Learning to be in appreciation of yourself however is a journey in itself for it is not something we are taught from young and yet is deeply powerful… and as you have shown, it a gorgeous way to naturally let go of the need for outer rewards when you can feel in yourself that you alone are enough.
Rewarding myself has been a big pattern previously in my life, and that in many regards was the driving force for my life where I measured my life from going from one reward (whether it was my daily coffee, glass of wine, piece of cake, watching TV or a holiday or shopping purchase). What I am now re-learning is the power of appreciation and self-love and that with these as my foundation I don’t need to rely on rewards to get me through me day / life… All I need is to be me!
There is a great lesson in life, and that is that we can continiously learn from every experience, not leaving it hanging but choosing to change our life when we feel it is not working.
And that is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves and others the opportunity to learn from everything. There is no point living in past regrets as that does not help anyone. All we can do is live from and in the present moment and from there anything is possible. The problem I find is when I bring past hurts with me as they then cloud the present, and equally when I am trying to get to a picture in the future it does not allow things to unfold. There is no right or wrong, only truth and not truth.
‘Universal Medicine allowed me to come to realise that I did not need an excuse or a reason to appreciate myself, nor did I need to buy myself gifts to reinforce that appreciation. However, I did need to relearn how to appreciate myself for who I was.’ This was probably one of the most challenging things for me to actually appreciate myself for who I am, I had spent so much of my life conforming to the pressures of the outside world it took a long time for me to believe my worth from within. I am truly grateful to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon for showing me a completely different way to live.
‘We, as individuals and as a society, had become so used to being rewarded (not just as young adults but also from birth), that we had forgotten how to live any other way.’ When we live by getting rewarded, and as adults rewarding ourselves for a job well done, or often any excuse to reward ourselves, it becomes a pattern of behaviour that until we see others living another way we don’t appreciate how distracting that reward is. When we take a moment to stop and truly look at our lives we begin to uncover what is not true.
Thankyou for sharing Nicole. Rewards to distract us form an empty life – like living for the weekend or a holiday – I know that one. How great it is that with making different choices I now enjoy every day and no longer ‘need’ a reward. Universal Medicine has a great deal to answer for – for presenting information that allows us to make better choices for our lives. A no-brainer.
It is interesting how even a life full of entertainments and distraction is still an empty life and needs constant filling and rewarding, whereas Universal Medicine teaches how to live a life in one’s own fullness, where joy is connected to within and needs no outer stimulation.
Its interesting – now I enjoy every day, I’m much more likely to be responsible in how I go to bed or look after myself in the evening before so I’m in good shape for the next day, and the next. Responsibility becomes inbuilt because of the joy I know is possible from just being me.
Universal Medicine has offered me the tools and prompting to look at my life with greater details and to really address the issues that seemingly had no answers to.
The first relationship to begin and continually keep building is a loving and caring relationship with oneself and then when we know who we are, it is possible to have a true loving relationship with another, not one coming from a need or an emptiness but from truth with a willingness to keep on growing and evolving together and this is truly worth appreciating.
I appreciate your honesty Nicole. This helps to expose how many of us are or have been living in arrangements either with a partner or with friends/family and how much we’re prepared to numb ourselves to avoid bringing honesty to our relationships and yet if we do there is the possibility of having true relationships with love as the foundation – truly honouring and evolving one another. And perhaps the greatest reward is in the knowing that in doing this we are being true to ourselves.
Thank you Nicole for such a beautifully honest sharing. This is perfect timing to re-visit your blog as I am in the process of looking at the ‘rewards’ in my life that I have accepted as being ‘normal’ but that are actually holding me back from my true power. I agree the more I deepen the appreciation for myself the need for rewards starts to naturally drop away.
Thank you Nicole. This article resonates with ‘living life to the full’ and that is the fullness of who you are and not filling it up with distractions and rewards to fill the emptiness.
Nicole, yes living through a deep appreciation of ourselves is a really beautiful way to live. i too used these distractions to numb myself to what was really going on, its amazing to see the turn around when we take responsibility and start making loving choices
A beautiful example of how honesty can pave the way to life that is far more grander and truth-full. Letting go of the falsehood that I used to accept as the foundation of my life has been a very liberating process for me as well.
Nicole I too have found that Universal Medicine has taught and supported me to take responsibility and look at my issues like I never could before. It is an amazing gift and one that has no use by date, the expansion and healing continues as long as I keep on looking.
Thank you Nicole for exposing the fact that we are hooked on rewards. It is our way to self validate, to reinforce the misleading belief that it is our due. The only true reward comes from knowing and feeling that we are enough being ourselves and live with that joy and trust.
It’s wonderful that you feel able to truly appreciate yourself without the rewards you once had.
Changing that what is not true brings confrontation to everyone around us, but when we can fully accept it, there is a possibility to really change ourself and feel that there is much more potential than the life you lived before.
Isn’t it amazing how good we are at distracting ourselves from what is really going on? We actually know when things are not quite right, but to avoid feeling those unpleasant feelings we deny them, and make excuses such as ‘ you can’t have everything’, and ‘no one is perfect’. Yes no one is perfect, that is absolutely true. But pretending everything is ok never works till the end. The truth will always be exposed no matter what. And to face all of it when it comes up, is a sure fire way to clear out the cobwebs and make room for the abundance of love that is waiting for us.
It is this fantastic approach: We don’t have to live like monks and detach from everything that’s joyful. But we can experience these joyful worldly things as something that confirms our inner joy rather than filling an emptiness from outside of us.
Nicole I loved taking the time to read your blog, and especially the way you have changed your life by making different choices. I too have been caught up in rewarding myself, although it took me a while to see it for what it truly was. It is such a trap, because it only kept me away from being who I truly am. Very inspiring thank you.
Truly inspiring Nicole how you chose to question the way you were living to reveal that there was a deeper and more honoring way to live. Through taking responsibility and choosing to be honest your life now is a beautiful reflection of how there is another way to live. I agree that Universal Medicine has inspired so many, including myself, to discover for themselves that there is more to life and to choose to live this for themselves. As you have beautifully said -‘It has allowed me to see and feel that there is more to life and that there are possibilities out there for things to be different.’ And to come to know that these changes come from our choices and our choices alone is truly empowering.
Wow Nicole thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. How amazing you was able to feel that you where rewarding yourself and that you was able to change that to instead appreciating who you really are. I still eat for reward but this is slowly changing the more I love and appreciate myself.
The Possibility to Truly Live:
You give here one of the keys I consider for a healthy and loving relationship: “We do not brush aside issues that need to be addressed, instead opting to confront them no matter how uncomfortable they may make us feel. ” When we want to hold on to the niceness and comfort and not rock the boat, we in fact walk away from honesty trying to preserve the status quo. That kills the relationship.
You give here one of the keys I consider for a healthy and loving relationship: “We do not brush aside issues that need to be addressed, instead opting to confront them no matter how uncomfortable they may make us feel. ” When we want to hold on to the niceness and comfort and not rock the boat, we in fact walk away from honesty trying to preserve the status quo. That kills the relationship.
I agree Nicole – Universal Medicine “… has allowed me to see and feel that there is more to life and that there are possibilities out there for things to be different.” Universal Medicine is a very powerful game changer – calling out what is True, and what is so clearly not.
Love the honesty in which this is presented Nicole…how rewards start when we are children and come from emptiness/distraction, and also the honesty of seeing your relationship for what it was…a place many rarely go to out of fear of what might happen.
Agree Paula. It’s a scary thought, looking at all that is not true…and it can be uncomfortable. It’s amazing how ‘rewards’ are so clevery designed to take us away fom how we really feel. I do it to this day, often with sweet treats and basically anything that allows me to check out for moment or two. It doesn’t serve me in any way, just stops me from feeling.
Nicole thank you for so clearly expressing the difference between rewards which come from an emptiness we are trying to forget and fill, but that can never be done so, and living from the fullness that we naturally are, and choosing experiences that reflect that and are never there to bury an issue.
Nicole, what you describe happened to me in my early 40s. I had everything I ever wanted and it was very valuable to know how much was still missing that couldn’t be given from my surroundings.
Thank you Nicole, what an honest and great article- I always love your sharings as I can feel the truth in what you have chosen and now live. You are inspiring to not settle for less, and to acknowledge that Universal Medicine was not the reason your relationship broke down, but in fact it allowed you to get to a place where you no longer live a dis-satisying life/style, and instead you are now choosing to live a life of love, joy and honesty- without the need for rewards – an incredible life change.
Acts of appreciation may appear similar to rewards but in truth they are so different as you so correctly express in your last paragraph, Nicole. The living from appreciation instead of emptiness brings fullness and richness to life that rewards never achieve.
I always enjoy taking the time to read your honest and insightful blogs Nicole; alway filled with love and inspiration.
“Yes, we still buy ourselves things and enjoy beautiful meals and holidays, but it is not as a reward; it is out of appreciation for ourselves, each other and what we have.” A truly honest appreciation for a life full of love, commitment and joy. Thank you Nicole for reminding me, that the true reward in life is to live it with honesty and a deep appreciation for who we all are.
Nicole thank you for a revealing blog! I wonder how this next generation will handle life if they aren’t rewarded for the things they do, and consider a reward is necessary to show them they are acceptable? I see so many parents feeling they need to reward good behaviour with a reward of some kind so once again, it comes back to what we do rather than who we are that feed this reward system. It is difficult in our present culture to raise children, there is a need to come back to the truth and simplicity lf Love.
When you write – “I had no idea how to admire or appreciate myself for who I was” – it hits me hard, realising how taking this approach is not okay in life and seen as selfish or indulgent, yet as you have shared, rather than making it about rewards, it can be approached with a high level of responsibility for who you are and how you are. This approach if life changing.
Nicole this is such a beautiful reminder that when we truly appreciate and accept ourselves there is no need for rewards in life. The reward is the simple and loving way you live everyday – thank you I enjoyed the wisdom shared in this blog.
It dawned on me whilst reading this great blog again, that when appreciation is missing a gap is created, and what perfect way to fill it than by a ‘reward’, yet it’s only ever a temporary fill because the appreciation has still not been felt. In appreciation we nourish and honour our delicate nature expanding upon the love we are to allow for even more.
It was beautiful to read your words Nicole – and to appreciate all there is in life when we let go of rewarding ourselves and live a life that is simple and uncomplicated. Seeking rewards in life is also unsustainable – whatever we do is not enough. It feels as though we make life so complicated when we avoid taking stock and avoid feeling all those moments when we know that we are not being true to ourselves. When we let go of the need, living life is more than enough – it is simply stupendous and expansive, and we feel at one with the world.
So true Susan. It feels far simpler and more loving to be honest, real and true. It is crazy that we would rather put up with the pain and discomfort of not being honest with what is really going on but it is the accepted norm.
Nicole, you have certainly taken responsibility for your life and made lots of big changes. One thing that struck me was the honesty with which you have approached your life, knowing that the changes would rock the boat and wouldn’t necessarily be accepted by others. I find such courage and commitment to your ongoing growth inspiring.
There feels like an enormous difference between living with the need for a reward now and then and living with full appreciation of you and life from a fullness. It goes to show that no reward can ever fulfil use as in truth we can only do that by truly meeting ourselves
A very powerful blog, thank you Nicole. I love the level of responsibility you address in your blog, which we all have regarding ourselves and to other people.
Thank-.you Nichole for exposing with such honesty as your willingness to go there and commit to the ever evolving journey of a true relationship is truly inspiring.
In the early part of our relationship there was this need or perhaps a belief that we needed to entertain each other but it felt more like an indulgence and felt empty. As we became more honest there was moments when we were not comfortable with the change and gaps where the emptiness was felt. Slowly we began building a life on honesty, truth and love in a true way, appreciating each other and ourselves, feeling worthy and loveable without ‘rewards’. We still enjoy buying each other things, flowers, meals and a holiday together, not as a reward but a celebration of each other in the most simplest ways.
I have always loved “before and after” life-stories, of course, because they always show, that we – no matter what – are never a victim of the circumstances. And that every change is possible due to our own self-love and power. The “before and after” life-stories from people attending courses of Universal Medicine are the best, because with Universal Medicine, people’s motivation to make a change, comes from their true being, and not from a need or seeking for recognition or wanting to hide behind what they have achieved. And that is so inspiring and great to see and to feel! I love it. Also, when I am not coming from the same place of wealth, you described, Nicole, it doesn’t make any difference to the beauty of the change culminating in a life based on love and truth.
In the past when I have felt flat I would go distract myself with shopping, mostly food shopping. Finding new things or trying out a new recipe with some food I can’t even pronounce. But the thing is, the flat feeling, the exhaustion or discontent was never far away. It always comes back, sometimes feeling worse because now it’s carried on for longer. What I have learnt from Universal Medicine is that it’s not the end of the world to feel that unease. It might of been there for years (or lives), but feeling it head on and not avoiding it allows us to move past it and finally stop the tension and flatness. At first, and even at times now, the temptation to go into avoiding can appear strong but there is only falsities that await, like the food shopping, the drink or joint, as you shared Nicole, it doesn’t last. Which is why I now have a saying: You got to feel it to heal it.
Wow Leigh, ‘you got to feel it to heal it’. Next time I’m tempted to bury my unease under a shopping spree, that wisdom will be there for me. Thank you.
I love that you have replaced rewards for a life unfulfilled with deep appreciation for a life truly lived.
Such a beautiful sharing with us all Nicole – In re-reading this blog today certain words popped out at me particularly the words ‘distraction’ and ‘rewards’ I had been living (surviving) like this for so many years no wonder I was constantly feeling I was running on empty and had nothing left for myself or my family at the end of each and every day. Like yourself and many others Universal Medicine came into my life and through choice I’m allowing ‘self love’ and ‘appreciation’ back into my life. A huge turn around. Yes I agree Melissa such an inspiring blog – thank you
Great blog Nicole, having rewards and appreciating ourselves are two very different ways of living, and the latter I am still learning. Thank you for sharing and inspiring.
Living a life of convenience or a life of truth…..I have lived a life of convenience and comfort for a long time. Although a life of truth brings up stuff, asks of me to be really honest, and at times makes me feel really raw, it is absolutely worth it, every bit.
A life of truth is in fact so much easier than a life of convenience, because the first offers us the most solid basis to build on that we will ever find: ourselves.
I don’t know anyone else that presents appreciating yourself for who you are.. Everything is based on what you do and what you can bring to another. It’s a welcomed change and something everyone would enjoy I would think.. Not having to be something or try to fit in, just being enough in who you are. Awesome.
There is no greater ‘reward’ than to truly appreciate ourselves for who we are.
The simple act of appreciation of ourselves and our lives has a profound effect. It is one of the key ingredients we are missing in life, leading us to need to use rewards to fill that gap. Appreciation gives us that feeling that we are worthy and loveable without the harmful rewards, and best of all we can give it to ourselves.
I agree Fiona – it is the greatest gift we can give ourselves!
Agree Fiona, Appreciation for ourselves and the choices that we have made is something that is super important to help us develop a more intimate relationship with ourselves and to accept how loveable and worthy we all are.
Appreciation of myself was a massive turning point for me, intitially I found it so hard as it was completely alien but little by little I started to take small steps into realising that I am OK, even more than OK and I have started on the road of truly loving me.
It is exposing how appreciating ourselves is something so alien to the majority of us. We are not taught this, the opposite of this even as if we are deliberately being kept from connecting to our own exquisiteness. Everything is focussed on what we do, not who we are and always from a point of needing recognition from outside of us because we don’t remember how to celebrate ourselves for our innate beauty and divinity.
Thank you Nicole. Your article makes me stop and realize how conditioned I had become to thinking I deserved a reward when I achieved something, no different to giving the dog a biscuit when it sits when asked to! Receiving a gift or giving myself a reward rarely came with any true appreciation of me. Universal Medicine has opened my eyes, ears and heart to be aware of and appreciate the lovely and lovable woman I am with no craving for recognition with a reward.
Honest living – no better way in life, no greater reward!
I really enjoyed taking the time to read this blog – thank you. It is amazing what we use under the guise of ‘normal’ to stop us feeling all the rot in our lives. It feels very refreshing that you made the decision to stop hiding it, fully deal with it and move on.
Dear Nicole, thank you for sharing, there is much in what you have written here for me to ponder and to reflect on. To truly deeply appreciate the woman I am and to live my life in surrender to my love within, no matter what this brings up to be dealt with.
That’s an amazing lifestyle change, without the drugs, joints and alcohol you would be able to appreciate far more, your loving husband, and all the great things in your life you have worked for.
This is so beautiful to read ‘Yes, we still buy ourselves things, but it is not as a reward, it is out of appreciation for ourselves, each other and what we have…’ In reading this blog we get to feel what this is like compared to the emptiness I feel when I reward myself. This is lovely and deeply inspiring – thank you.
I agree Caroline, I observed in the last days how much we reward ourselves with food or with buying clothes or other objects. This a total distraction from our truth and is showing how much we are still trying to get things done in order to be perfect instead of just deeply enjoying the way we accomplish things in the same way as we would sit in a cafe and chat with our friend. The enjoyment does not need any reward.
For me the same line stood out: “we still buy ourselves things and enjoy beautiful meals and holidays, but it is not as a reward; it is out of appreciation for ourselves, each other and what we have, it is no longer coming from an emptiness or as a distraction to fill that emptiness.” The concept of buying things to celebrate ourselves was so new for me. I see it with close relatives as well: buying things to reward or as a way to get appreciation or as a form of saying ‘I love you’. Appreciating ourselves is the foundation we build the rest of our life on and needed for everyone on a daily basis.
Very beautiful how you share that a life full of love is much better than a live lived with only the need to be rewarded.
Beautiful Nicole. I love how different it feels to buy things to appreciate and confirm yourself instead of as a reward.
It takes a great deal of honesty and humility to see through what appears to be a ‘good’ life, is not it, and have a willingness, then commitment to make changes. It’s truly inspiring. Thank you, Nicole.
Living with the need to reward yourself is just like having a dangling carrot in front of your nose that is always out of reach… Thankyou for sharing Nicole. Your article has really made me realise how vital appreciation is to my everyday living.
How much of our lives can be spent not ‘truly living’ – as the title of this blog draws our attention to? We get by, or we struggle.. we may even think we ‘have it good’ and seem to be doing ‘all the right things’… and yet, are we willing to question if something isn’t true, if something is actually, well, missing?
Deeply appreciating the honesty you have brought here Nicole. If we are truly willing to listen to the signals in our lives, both inner and outer, that alert us to a lack of meaning and real fulfilment in life, it may seem scary at times, but bringing the truth to light can only offer us the chance to change that which isn’t working. It’s beautiful to read of the life that actually opened up for you – following your saying ‘no’ to what lacked meaning and purpose and simply wasn’t working, leaving you seeking ‘more’ (in terms of rewards), a ‘more’ that can never truly be satiated.
Hmm, great blog Nicole. Got me thinking about how to truley appreciate oneself and what that actually would look like and mean.
“The idea of rewarding ourselves at the completion of something is massive in our society. I recently heard of a situation where some high-school teachers were telling an (underage) student what kind of alcohol and the quantities in which they were going to consume as it was the end of term. This is shocking and irresponsible, however it is as if all sense goes out the window when it comes to rewarding ourselves.’
Thank you Nicole. I agree, on the surface it seems very easy to live life on a superficial level, but in fact I’m learning that it’s actually the complete opposite, empty and exhausting. But everything is set up for us to do this. To keep us so distracted by the momentums, the dramas, the hustle and bustle of everyday life that we don’t stop to feel or look any deeper at what is really going on. Until we start to wake up and see the game that’s being played for what it is. I can say for myself that this continues to unfold everyday and is an absolute blessing.
Great sharing and reflections of your experiences between two good marriages Nicole.
It’s amazing that real love exposes everything that is not… and even the things we ‘thought’ we loved or enjoyed, pale in comparison to what real love offers us. So gorgeous you are now enjoying a life of real love Nicole.
Nicole, thank you for revealing the actual evil behind being rewarded or rewarding oneself.
Wonderful, honest sharing Nicole of how insidious ‘rewards’ can be.
It is very inspiring learning how you exposed your first relationship being based on comfort and emptiness, and then chose to live in a true relationship based on love, without backing down, and are now reaping the rewards.
Nicole beautiful sharing of how your life became real and true.
Thanks Nicole I found your sharing to be very open and honest and it’s very encouraging to read these blogs because everyone has their own struggles but by our own choices we can make change
I agree Nicole, many relationships are based on superficial pillars that reward us for the doing not the being, or what looks good but in actual fact there is emptiness. I love how you chose to begin the journey and have stuck to it, as a relationship is an ever unfolding book of chapters.
Nicole it so true that we have been taught to reward ourselves for all sorts of things and that we can often distract ourselves from what is truly going on in our relationships. I have found this in my own live and am committed to addressing why this still sometimes presents for me. This has only be possible like you with the amazing and consistent support from Universal Medicine for which I am deeply grateful.
Totally true Nicole, we only need rewards when we lack true appreciation of self.
Nicole- I can feel the changes you have made have been huge. It is really hard to become aware of and to give up the “comforts” of life but you in your awareness have managed to start this journey.
Another great blog Nicole, to appreciate and adore ourselves JUST for who we are, is most certainly something that most people have to re-learn.
I really appreciate your sharing Nicole and learning more about you and the choices you have made to make your life and your relationship about love and truth. It is inspiring.
A good reminder: Even when you change many things in your life towards more self-love, you can still enjoy good meals and holidays. You are simply no longer bound by these things. They don’t own your life anymore. I learn to enjoy them freely, from my fullness and with joy.
Thank you Nicole for this inspiring blog. I have never to such an extent felt the difference between reward and appreciation. The difference between both is so huge, unbelievable. Looking back this explains, why some of my choices felt just beautiful and others felt awkward – yet on the outside both looked nearly identical.
Not reward, but appreciation of oneself is a foundation to build love with oneself and others. And to learn to get to know the difference. Thank you Nicole.
I can totally relate to the ‘reward’ game too. I feel that I have set the bar so high for myself that I am doomed to fail, so with any ‘highlight’ in my life, I feel the need for a reward. I now realise this has also kept me from feeling how amazing I am and from being able to appreciate how much I have to offer. Time for a change, starting today.
The reward thing is a deeply engrained pattern, also for me. We all have our own ways of rewarding ourselves. I would do so with food with the argument ‘now I deserve to have this, because of the hard work.’ It’s was big turn around for me when I realized it was all about when I DID something. Now I am appreciating myself on a daily basis for being me and without needing food to say that with.
I love the honesty with which you write, Nicole, and your willingness to ‘go there’ and commit to the ever evolving journey of truth in relationship, whatever that may end up looking like.
Thanks for sharing Nicole. That’s a huge change and a lovely reflection for me and my lifestyle to ponder…
Thank you Nicole for sharing. I felt while reading this that this was my own life that you were writing about and there were many similarities. My rewards program was very much the same and I too have had to deal with why the need for rewards and live in a way that I can truly appreciate who I am without the rewards.
I love the openness of your blog Nicole, what you share shows that no matter how “good” our lives can appear, there is always an opportunity to go deeper. Universal medicine unlike anything else I have come across has offered me that opportunity and what your experience shows is we don’t have to just accept life as it is. There is always room for more self-love, care and joy – it is our choice.
Lovely blog Nicole. My wife and I used to be caught up in that ‘reward cycle’ big time. The problem with this is that when real life issues presented themselves it made it inconvenient or harder to deal with them so we did what any self respecting ‘rewardist’ would do and buried the issue or emotion. Needless to say our marriage wasnt very truthful and really, we were just going through the motions. Thankfully my wife found Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon and even more thankfully I decided to tag along for the ride. Our marriage is very strong now. It is so much more truthful, honest and loving and this is one ride that I don’t want to end.
“Universal Medicine allowed me to come to realise that I did not need an excuse or a reason to appreciate myself, nor did I need to buy myself gifts to reinforce that appreciation. However, I did need to relearn how to appreciate myself for who I was.” Thank you Nicole, this is something I am needing to re-learn and remind myself of often.
Thank you Nicole for exposing the insidious nature of rewarding ourselves which is encouraged in society on so many levels. I love your comment ‘I did need to relearn how to appreciate myself for who I was’ which I am currently working on and uncovering lots of things that get in the way of this. It has been really helpful to read your blog and definitely given me food for thought.
Great blog, real honesty.
Most of us can relate to how you used to live, thinking that it was the way however, now realise it was all about filling the ’emptiness.’ It feels very different when you write about the true way to live, there’s now a fullness in the words emanating from you. Thank you.
Thank you Nicole for exposing the subtle and insidious nature of reward. Your blog has enabled me to be aware of a level where it has still been present in my life until this moment.
“The possibility to truly live.” Thank you Nicole for your beautiful article sharing your story. I can really relate to it all, to learning to appreciate myself for who I am thanks to Universal Medicine. I am simply learning to love being me and not needing to reward myself and look for this everywhere. Building a life now based on truth, honesty and love brings so much purpose and joy to every moment everyday and there is the constant support here to help with this when needed from my choices. Beautiful Inspirations everywhere.
Thank you Nicole, it’s very powerful what you’ve written for me as I can completely relate to living a life seeking reward for everything, and in many relationships in the past making it all about what the other person gave me or what distractions were there, rather than wanting to truly go deeper in connection with myself and my partner. Whilst there are things I still find a challenge to look at today, it is with great appreciation to Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon and the Student Body that I am inspired to keep going deeper.
Thank you Nicole for sharing and exposing the reward syndrome! I have found this to be quite ingrained too. It is one that I feel to keep a very close eye on as it creeps in unexpectedly at times, especially with food. That’s an interesting one as often the temptation is there to reward ourselves with something that is so difficult for the body to deal with. The question with this situation must be “how is it a reward, if the reward is harm-full?”.
Lovely Nicole… And now your beautiful children can enjoy growing up with parents who appreciate themselves for who they are… and then the beauty of that being that they will have the opportunity to grow up knowing that they are complete, amazing and enough just as they are… they can grow up appreciating their own gorgeousness – and not identify themselves from what they do. Thank you for sharing!
I look at the bloggers’ faces at the bottom of this article and they all seem like such natural and content people. It’s very refreshing. Makes me feel like I am in good company. Healthy blog comments tend to be a good reflection of wholesome articles…
This cycle of reward you describe is so entrenched in the way most people live, Nicole. Your account of developing your relationship with yourself and how you became aware of how you could truly and deeply appreciate yourself was beautiful to read. Thanks for your honesty and openness to share it – warts and all.
Thank you for sharing Nicole, I am still learning everyday that I am enough as I am. It has been so deeply rooted in me, that I have had had to look at every aspect of my life. That I don’t need rewards to tell me I am ok. By slowly learning to appreciate me, those rewards gradually disappear.
Great stuff Nicole!
I too have had to learn how to appreciate myself and for what – and that’s for nothing ;). And how awesome does that feel!
Thank you Nicole for sharing how being honest can uncover things about ourselves and our lives and at the same time it can allow us to make changes and choices that truly honour and support us.
Thanks for highlighting the ‘rewards’ cycle Nicole. I recall how not only did I reward myself with Friday night drinks, holidays, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, arranging social functions and so on, but so much of my life was spent ‘pre-engaging’ with those events. Life was about the rewards and the ‘in between’ was about existing. As I allowed my ‘rewards cycle’ to drop off, life became much simpler and flowing (although I still have a problem rewarding myself with those damn cashews).
Awesome Nicole.
Thank you for sharing this Nicole, I feel many of us have experienced empty relationships and many of us are still learning what it is to be in a true relationship, first beginning with our relationship with ourselves. I enjoyed the way you expressed in the end that you still enjoy doing things such as eating out or going away somewhere only now in appreciation rather then distraction. We are so worth appreciating!!