My Relationship with Work: Choosing to be All of Me

by Janina Koch, Cologne, Germany (English second language)

Coming back from having an amazing time in England with Serge Benhayon, his family and many esoteric students, I feel it’s time to write about my relationship with work, and about the beliefs I held onto for a very long time – which have stopped me from joyfully living and working.

I started working in my first real great paid job when I was 30, as I studied for quite a long time Sociology. I worked in an office as a human resource administrator looking after some of the employees.

The job was interesting, my colleagues friendly, really nothing to complain about, being paid really a lot. But somehow I felt I just played a role in a movie I didn’t really want to be in. I always had resistance to work; I saw it as a duty, something that took away time from me so that in the end of a working day I felt to not have time left for me. Really, I believed that only when I was not at work I could be me, with me, and doing what I really wanted to do, not having to function in a certain way. I worked one year in this job, then I got chronic shoulder pain which led to problems, and in the end, my contract wasn’t renewed and I was very glad about it. But I also had problems with my boss because of being sick for a few months, and that was also the start of a series of repeating patterns. It was the start of me causing complications/problems which always led to getting the sack or choosing to leave from many other jobs which followed.

I thought that because people were busy, and working all the time, that it was the reason that they weren’t joyful: I blamed the ‘doing’ and the ‘being busy’. But this was not true; this is what I realize now.

When I didn’t work, or only worked a little, I wasn’t joyful to be with me – I didn’t feel content within myself. I blamed work for this. But I have since learnt that it is the choice to be loving with myself, allowing myself to be me and in connection with my body, which makes all the difference. I am learning “to be me” also when I do things – not to go into function mode and to switch off my feelings, believing that’s the only way to do things.

I realise that I am responsible for everything which is happening in my life!

Before this, I loved to blame anything and anyone, big time.

Now I know that if things don’t work – I am responsible for it. As I really didn’t want to work, for a long time I tried to have an easy time at work as much as I could – which led to problems too (of course). Even if things were running fine I found other things to complicate the situation…(really creative).

Now, as I have discovered more of my loving, tender essence, I have experienced that it is possible to go to work connected to me, and in knowing I can be there and not lose me in this I have a new commitment to being at work!  But this is still very new… and even if people are behaving in a non-loving way I can accept it and to let them be and not react. And yes, it is possible to be joyfully working – if I allow myself to be joyfully me.

Since coming back from England, where I attended Universal Medicine presentations, I feel full of me: I feel that it’s great to bring my joyful way to work and light up my workplace. And I have realised that it is not my work which stops me from shining, but the way I am with myself and how I still choose unloving ways to stop me from being amazing. I realize more and more what depths of beauty I am – we all are – and just need to let it out. It is actually simple.

For me to feel great, it is very important to eat in a very loving way and to choose carefully what to eat – as one of my ways of not dealing with what is going on is to eat foods that make me feel dull. I am learning that also the way I eat is as important as what I choose to eat! And I have realised that yes, I can deal with the things which are going on in my life.

Since making changes within myself, I am more willing to work. And the more work I get offered, I don’t even have to look for it.  Since last year I work for a family doing the household tasks and looking after a 20 month old girl – which is a challenge, like juggling several things at the same time.

Recently I have developed a really tender, loving way with her which is amazing. She is much less moody with me, and it feels very easy to be with her.

The other day I went with her shopping. On the way, I started to play with some tones (singing), and I discovered a new tone I haven’t used before… something like ri ri ri – I had so much joy playing with these sounds it was really great, and the girl loved to join in and giggled along with me. What a joy to be/work with children. Through choosing to just be myself at work, I have realised how much fun it can be! And, that I actually love work, because I have begun to love me.

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