by Janina Koch, Cologne, Germany (English second language)
Coming back from having an amazing time in England with Serge Benhayon, his family and many esoteric students, I feel it’s time to write about my relationship with work, and about the beliefs I held onto for a very long time – which have stopped me from joyfully living and working.
I started working in my first real great paid job when I was 30, as I studied for quite a long time Sociology. I worked in an office as a human resource administrator looking after some of the employees.
The job was interesting, my colleagues friendly, really nothing to complain about, being paid really a lot. But somehow I felt I just played a role in a movie I didn’t really want to be in. I always had resistance to work; I saw it as a duty, something that took away time from me so that in the end of a working day I felt to not have time left for me. Really, I believed that only when I was not at work I could be me, with me, and doing what I really wanted to do, not having to function in a certain way. I worked one year in this job, then I got chronic shoulder pain which led to problems, and in the end, my contract wasn’t renewed and I was very glad about it. But I also had problems with my boss because of being sick for a few months, and that was also the start of a series of repeating patterns. It was the start of me causing complications/problems which always led to getting the sack or choosing to leave from many other jobs which followed.
I thought that because people were busy, and working all the time, that it was the reason that they weren’t joyful: I blamed the ‘doing’ and the ‘being busy’. But this was not true; this is what I realize now.
When I didn’t work, or only worked a little, I wasn’t joyful to be with me – I didn’t feel content within myself. I blamed work for this. But I have since learnt that it is the choice to be loving with myself, allowing myself to be me and in connection with my body, which makes all the difference. I am learning “to be me” also when I do things – not to go into function mode and to switch off my feelings, believing that’s the only way to do things.
I realise that I am responsible for everything which is happening in my life!
Before this, I loved to blame anything and anyone, big time.
Now I know that if things don’t work – I am responsible for it. As I really didn’t want to work, for a long time I tried to have an easy time at work as much as I could – which led to problems too (of course). Even if things were running fine I found other things to complicate the situation…(really creative).
Now, as I have discovered more of my loving, tender essence, I have experienced that it is possible to go to work connected to me, and in knowing I can be there and not lose me in this I have a new commitment to being at work! But this is still very new… and even if people are behaving in a non-loving way I can accept it and to let them be and not react. And yes, it is possible to be joyfully working – if I allow myself to be joyfully me.
Since coming back from England, where I attended Universal Medicine presentations, I feel full of me: I feel that it’s great to bring my joyful way to work and light up my workplace. And I have realised that it is not my work which stops me from shining, but the way I am with myself and how I still choose unloving ways to stop me from being amazing. I realize more and more what depths of beauty I am – we all are – and just need to let it out. It is actually simple.
For me to feel great, it is very important to eat in a very loving way and to choose carefully what to eat – as one of my ways of not dealing with what is going on is to eat foods that make me feel dull. I am learning that also the way I eat is as important as what I choose to eat! And I have realised that yes, I can deal with the things which are going on in my life.
Since making changes within myself, I am more willing to work. And the more work I get offered, I don’t even have to look for it. Since last year I work for a family doing the household tasks and looking after a 20 month old girl – which is a challenge, like juggling several things at the same time.
Recently I have developed a really tender, loving way with her which is amazing. She is much less moody with me, and it feels very easy to be with her.
The other day I went with her shopping. On the way, I started to play with some tones (singing), and I discovered a new tone I haven’t used before… something like ri ri ri – I had so much joy playing with these sounds it was really great, and the girl loved to join in and giggled along with me. What a joy to be/work with children. Through choosing to just be myself at work, I have realised how much fun it can be! And, that I actually love work, because I have begun to love me.