When I was a child I was raised with a Christian belief, an evangelical and baptised catholic. My father wasn’t an active catholic but I could feel the destructive behaviours he used. As a consequence of his catholic upbringing he acted often out of guilt and shame. And so his decisions for himself and our family members did not stem from love.
My mother was raised evangelical, and my grandmother, a dedicated and ‘good’ Christian. Their Christian belief seemed to give them a comfort somehow, and a feeling that they were ok and life was ok.
In contrast to my father, my grandmother and mother were more consistent in their belief… they went regularly to church and seemed to be more balanced and harmonious within themselves. So my learning was that the evangelical system was good and the catholic was difficult. As a consequence, the different belief systems created separation in the family – not in an open battle, but very hidden, and constantly harming.
In my striving to also become a good Christian, I pushed myself to believe what my family and the church members believed. I wanted to be one of them, to belong to the church group and receive acceptance and recognition.
As part of my Christian belief and upbringing, I was taught that God was a being outside of me and I needed to ‘be good’ to win his love… and I needed ‘to do’ something in order to earn his love.
I was looking for security – to be accepted in heaven and on earth. The problem was that the secure feeling, “now I’m ok and accepted”, only appeared in short moments. My feeling of insecurity remained and even got worse.
On the other hand I had a deep connection to something true within me:
I had a different understanding of God… and one that did not always match the Christian belief I was raised in…
It never made sense for me that Jesus was not married. My feeling was that God loves everybody equally and that his love is not restricted to those who believe that Jesus is the only way.
I had and still have a deep connection to nature where I feel the reflection of God always – in contradiction of finding him only in a church.
Feeling so differently to what the Christian belief system was telling me gave me the impression I was strange. Thus my searching in the outside instead of trusting myself made life more complicated; I felt torn into two pieces. To not feel whole was a normal state for me.
Through choosing to constantly not trust me and my inner feelings, and instead to trust in something else which is not me, I ended up being ill.
My body was hard and numb and I felt very frustrated and exhausted.
At that time I came to know Universal Medicine.
The presentations of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon have allowed me to re-connect to myself. I have begun to trust my inner feelings once more. I have started to connect back with myself. My body has now recovered and I am learning to feel deeper and deeper who I am in truth.
I am constantly becoming more and more aware of what is truly going on and thus make choices out of love. This way of living creates feelings of joy, richness and preciousness in my body.
By Kerstin Salzer, Germany
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