Coming to the Truth about how I was Living…

After finding out about Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I read one of his books – The Way It Is – which made a lot of sense to me as I could feel the truth that was there.

As I started to attend presentations, so began the process of feeling how I was living and the truth of who I am.

Initially I felt so uncomfortable at being there; my unloving way of living was being exposed and it felt like everyone could see what I was experiencing. Really though, it was me that was feeling how I had been living – I was becoming acutely aware of the choices I had been making.

There wasn’t anyone telling me what to do, where I was going wrong or anything like that, it was all in my head… I was giving myself false reasons of why I should not be there. I was feeling how much disregard I had for myself – eating anything to fill up the void I felt inside, using alcohol, porn, watching hours and hours of TV – especially sport, sleeping in, etc… all the things I was doing to not feel this emptiness. I spent a lot of time hiding in my cave; the destructive thoughts I allowed kept me stuck in unloving choices.

Sometimes I would drive to the Universal Medicine events, sit in my car and just feel so anxious about going in that I couldn’t do it, so I would just go home again. Other times I didn’t even get out of my home, or if I did, I would just return home before I got to the event. Sometimes I would go inside, sit down, but before Serge got up to present, I would leave.

I’m not sure how long it took for me to be able to stay for the whole event, but I would then not really talk to anyone and leave as soon as it finished. There was always that feeling of discomfort in being there… I felt completely alone in the crowd; I didn’t fit in and I didn’t belong.

Although all I could feel at that time was the discomfort, I felt so out of place it eventually became clear that it was because of my own judgment on myself about how I was living.

Hearing the truth that Serge Benhayon presented connected with the deepest part of me and I knew I couldn’t stay away. 

So gradually I started to attend more Universal Medicine presentations and workshops and throughout this time, Serge would always say “Hi Mark” if he saw me. I could feel that he saw all of me and accepted me as I am, almost certainly for the first time in my life. Serge was able to see the light in me, well before I could feel it within myself, because I was identifying with all the things I was doing that harmed others and myself.

I have no doubt that it was my first experience of being truly loved for who I am, before I was even able to begin loving myself.

What a healing that is.

I was being supported, being called to be more and I had no awareness of what lay ahead for me; understanding at last the truth of who we are, the truth about love and how that is what we are and feeling the absolute joy of just being me. For the first time in my life I felt that I belonged.

It was beautiful to feel the fullness of me at the event, but then to bring that way of being into my every day?. . . Well, that was another story. It became very clear that it wasn’t just about attending the events:

I had to develop how I lived every moment, caring for myself in every little choice I made.

For a long time I was always hard on myself and therefore, hard on others as well. Although this had dropped away before I became a Universal Medicine student, it remained in the form of not being able to appreciate others or how far I had come. Appreciation became a focus and as I deepened this awareness I was able to feel the beauty in others – they are just like me. This made it easier for me to see how I had been isolating myself, so choosing to connect with friends, going out more and socialising made a significant difference.

I have been able to let go of the behaviours that didn’t support me, mostly through the support of friends and practitioners. Being able to honestly talk about how I am feeling, the harming thoughts I am having etc., begins the process of deconstructing those old patterns. The perspective that is offered by others, the loving reflections of what they feel when I share, help me to gain perspective and understanding of how I am being.

I was searching for truth all my life. I now know that truth without love does not work very well because I was trying to be ‘right’ and this was just empty words that actually harm others… Truth has been central to my transformation over recent years. What is presented by Serge Benhayon resonates with the deepest part of me and it is through truth that I return to love.

by Mark Payne

Further Reading:
Universal Medicine Retreat….and Advance!
Sacred Esoteric Healing
My Life After Serge Benhayon’s Presentation Only Confirmed And Refined What I Had Connected To Before

849 thoughts on “Coming to the Truth about how I was Living…

  1. Thank you Mark for sharing this blog with us all. I love your honesty and humbleness and that you did not give up, but kept returning even though you felt so out of place and uncomfortable. When our bodies hear truth, they pull us back for more because as you beautifully shared,’ it is through truth that I return to love’.

  2. There would be many who will benefit from your expression of your truth and your journey to becoming a student of Universal Medicine and life itself. It is through loving ourselves and our bodies that opens us to the truth.

  3. I love reading this blog. The resistance in you in the early days reminds me of myself in some ways. Knowing there is something more, and being open enough to go there, but then at the last minute making the choice to hold on another day.. thinking I’ll deal with it later. Later never comes unless you get real about why you’re holding on to a certain way of being, that you know isn’t you. And then the moment you entertain the idea that there is actually so much more than all the things we identify with, your awareness opens up and everything starts to become clearer.

  4. Thank you Mark, I was reflecting today on how hard it used to be to constantly see my unloving and unsupportive choices when I first started working with Universal Medicine. It wasn’t always uncomfortable, sometimes it was joyful and liberating to have a new understanding and the opportunity to make a new choice. The honesty of why I was making unsupportive choices could at times be quite uncomfortable but if I was not hard on myself and willing to understand why then the healing opportunity the new awareness offered would be graceful instead of awkward or with a lot of resistance. The beautiful thing is that all the work I put into examining those choices has created a foundation now of new and loving choices which have brought purpose, simplicity and joy in how I live every day.

  5. Coming to the truth about how we have been living and what we are and have been doing to ourselves with our choices can be mighty uncomfortable indeed.

  6. Embracing the discomfort of how we choose to live is a great way to start making choices that actually support the body to feeling its divinity and interconnectedness to everyone and everything. Or, we can always react to the discomfort and seek more comforts which ultimately leads to more entrenched discomfort.

  7. Mark I cannot tell you how much this has meant to me this morning. Sitting outside the courses, going home before you have even been in…oh dear, I can relate and I didn’t actually do any of that because I live so far away I had committed before I got on the plane. But we can hold a little back – just in case – and then we don’t really commit or value ourselves, our time, or our investment. Time to invest in ourselves, in why we are here and truly offer back to the Universe in appreciation of its patience!

  8. I love your honesty Mark and what you present here is great for me to read today ‘I was identifying with all the things I was doing that harmed others and myself.’ … that’s where I can often get lost, making choices I know do not support me and then beating myself up for those choices, so identifying with them, but as you note here meeting Serge Benhayon offers something very different to be met by someone who never judges you no matter you choices but sees you for the love you are, even when we ourselves don’t see that is such a gift. And today I needed a little reminding to that, so thank you for this blog.

  9. Appreciating ourselves and our inner qualities forms a sound foundation from which to explore our way of living.

  10. It is true that often we are the ones who get in our own way the most. I can relate to this of giving myself a hard time for my past choices and not valuing who I am and what I bring. It takes work to let go of this pattern and be open to a new way of being with yourself.

  11. In choosing to let go of the false behaviours we take on we are able to know the essence of who we truly are and feel the quality of love we hold within.

  12. I went to an event the other day and I had not attended anything for ages, as the Uni Med team had been over seas. The last couple of months had been hard and as I sat I begun to feel really disorientated. It got to the point that I was so dizzy, a part of me was thinking, it was the perfect excuse to leave. I didn’t end up leaving but instead just allowed my body the feel strange. In the end I am so glad I stayed, as I knew deep down that the spinning was clearing the ill energy of how I had lived in the months before, the room was healing me, the presentation was awesome and I felt amazing by the end.

  13. We live our normal but do we really give a lot of thought to exactly what that is? Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine help us take a good long hard look at every aspect of life – does the way we live support us to be all that we are, or actually the opposite?

  14. Beautifully shared Mark how you were able to open up to the love that you are and now know yourself to be. The reflection that Serge offers to us is so miraculous that in that instant of being met we feel our own love, and this takes us on a journey back to reclaiming all that we innately are.

  15. ‘Serge was able to see the light in me, well before I could feel it within myself…’ This alone is so healing to receive from another – and we all have the ability, divinely so, to see and connect to the light in others, even if they are not living from this place. It is healing because it gives people the chance to feel that they are more then just a functional human being, they are in fact Heavenly.

  16. Heavens this is the most extraordinary turnaround! I know what you mean about feeling like everyone can see everything, it is challenging but actually the most wonderful gift at the same time. If we connect back to when we were children, we could all see and feel everything, our awareness was really acute, but we learnt incredibly effective tools to dull that awareness and then to defend our lack of awareness! Not logical but then again it is understandable because we didn’t know how to live life feeling all that we felt.

  17. How beautiful it is when we are seen for all that we are, when we are not held to ransom by what we are not. When we are held in love it gives us the space to be all that we are and not identify with our behaviours that are not who we are.

    1. It is so very beautiful Nikki to be met in this way, and it is a gift in fact that we can share with another. This highlights the responsibility we all hold of how we meet and respond to each other.

  18. I so love how you acknowledged and allowed the discomfort to be there. It’s so easy for us to make ourselves do things once we decide in our mind that something is ‘good’ and become a follower. It feels very much loving to afford ourselves that space to be wherever we are at, and not being caught in the idea of where we should be instead.

  19. Moments of discomfort are an interesting subject. Not only what generates the discomfort in us, but also what do we make out of it and hence what do we do with it? Is it about us? Is it about ‘the other’? Is it about what we know will come our way if we say yes to it? One thing is for sure, you can only experience discomfort if you are trying to generate and protect a life of comfort (which does not necessarily feels cozy, by the way).

  20. This is such a powerful testament that we never ever can be told what to do to live truth, to live the love we are, as we know it and can feel it, and we are reminded of this whenever we are met with the reflection of truth. It is only our openness to feel our truth and respond in truth, or not, that determines the quality of life and the degree of love we find ourselves living.

  21. “Appreciation became a focus and as I deepened this awareness I was able to feel the beauty in others – they are just like me.” This is the magic that happens when we start to appreciate ourselves more – we recognise and feel that we are all equal.

  22. ‘I could feel that he saw all of me and accepted me as I am,’ Serge embraces everyone with this same quality and it is very warm and inviting when we feel this level of love and acceptance from another.

  23. Being exposed to how we are living and what we have accepted that is not true can be confronting but with each step towards building a true and more loving way of being we return to a steadiness and caring way of living that allows us to live from the quality of who we really are.

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