ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY!

Angry? Who Me? NO WAY! Or that is what I thought. I would run a mile from anger, even from myself. I went into pandering as a way of life to keep myself safe by attending to other people’s needs, keeping myself hidden and hoping thereby to keep everything peaceful.

Anger was not something I permitted in myself. There was supposedly a righteous anger where you were justified in being angry because you were upholding the good and the right. I did not get into that, because anger in any form did not fit my picture of how a Christian life should be.

When one of my sons would ask me, “Are you angry, Mum?” I would reply, “No, I am just a little annoyed.” I would have sworn on the Bible that I was not angry. I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.

When I look back into my early life with honesty, I remember situations where I was frustrated and angry. Strangely enough, and conveniently, I totally forgot and buried those experiences. So this denial was the way I lived a large part of my life. All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.

One day about four years ago, Universal Medicine came into my life. At one of the workshops that I attended I came to understand, that apart from the physical aspects of gall bladder and liver disease, there were also energetic causes. These were explained to be frustration, bitterness, resentment, rage and anger.

This seemed strange, but interesting to me at the time, because I thought, “I don’t feel any of those emotions at all.” Here I was, a woman in her seventies who had had her gall bladder removed some 45 years ago and I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.

This was a puzzle to me at the time. How could these emotions be there and I not feel them? Over time, as I accepted that there must be some truth in what was said, I chose to open up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, they were lurking somewhere deep inside.

Over the course of the next four years, through many healing sessions and workshops and opening up to being much more loving with myself, I got to feel some of these deeply buried emotions as they surfaced, finally admitting that I did feel anger.

All that aside, this morning was to bring up a deeper experience for me. I was reading a blog about commitment, a word I was uncomfortable with, feeling that this was somehow lacking in my life. I had thought I was very committed in my Christian life but commitment in my life now seemed to be so hard. It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.

As I was reading the words about commitment, I felt tears of sadness welling inside of me. I started to write down what I was feeling, and as I was writing I suddenly noticed the way I was writing had changed. I could feel a strange energy coming down my arm and into my writing hand, making my writing scrawled. As the energy of rage and anger was being felt I had the urge to push the pen and the full stop right through the page.

I felt angry – very, very angry – and it was directed at God: all those feelings that I never knew were there came rushing to the surface.

At this moment I could feel my jaws clenched so tight that my teeth were hurting. What I now felt was a deep hatred and anger at myself for deserting me, for making myself feel worthless by taking on beliefs that were not true and that denied the preciousness of who, as I have now come to know, I truly am.

In the past I had heard people rail against God, saying how God had deserted them. Back then, in my self-righteous way I would think, “I don’t feel like that about God.” But here I was doing the same railing against Him for supposedly letting me down. All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing. I had been sold a lie.

As I observed what my body was experiencing, I could feel the energy of past beliefs being cleared from my body. This left me with a sense of freedom, allowing more of the true me to be felt.

Feeling into with more understanding of the energy of the so called ‘good,’ I can now feel its disgusting nature, this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak, with the biggest one being, “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.

How dreadfully evil is that!

I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. But this time around I have been truly blessed and deeply appreciate the opportunity to now come to know the truth of the Ageless Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon, to be re-awakened once more. I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…

For this I am worthy.

By Jill Steiner, Tweed Heads South, NS, Australia

Further Reading:
Living religion: in every moment
Being The Son of God
God’s Waiting Room

657 thoughts on “ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY!

  1. Self-worth – truly embracing with love all that I am and appreciating me moment by moment – is changing my life for the better, bringing love and tenderness to me revolutionises how I am with everyone else too.

  2. Great observation with the awareness of how your arm and hand hand felt while writing. I was pondered the energy we write it, I have observed I have written in a protective and angry way scrawling way and if we can be aware of how we move then we. can pick up in the different emotions that we habitually go in to.

  3. It is interesting how we measure and judge reactions as some being better or more acceptable than others, when really they are all reactions and a step away from us truly shining and contributing to our communities in a very needed way.

  4. This is a great sharing here in your blog, highlighting how we can misleadingly think we are feeling ‘fine’, but that we have instead, in some way chosen to bury, numb or avoid acknowledging the truth of an emotion.

    1. Indeed Johanne. And re-reading this blog again today where Jill mentions; ‘I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.’ To expose the ideal of ‘good’ made me consider what else can be buried under this ideal and how much it can trick us.

  5. It is a beautiful moment when anger is seen as a choice amongst all the other choices available throughout the day.

  6. Being honest with ourselves is something we tend to avoid which is silly because we are the ones who benefit from being honest!

  7. “When one of my sons would ask me, “Are you angry, Mum?” I would reply, “No, I am just a little annoyed.”” I know this oh so well, the fact that I would deny what I was feeling because I did not want to feel that way, it was something that affected me for most of my life until I came to Universal Medicine and felt the freedom to express how I really felt.

  8. I used to get this adrenaline buzz with getting angry. I grew up getting used to that flood of adrenaline and in some ways liking the high drama it offered. I often thought I was entitled to be angry because I was right. This rise in drama is not supportive, it is in truth distracting from getting on with life and purpose. Now if I get the rise I know to express, breathe and move my body to move in a way to come out of it. Anger is a reaction to feeling hurt; show our honest vulnerable selves and anger has no place.

  9. This is what equality is all about, firstly holding ourselves equal to everything we know love and truth to be, then being willing to share this with all others.

  10. What you share about God is very pertinent and something I have not explored for me. I just hold onto it feeling like I deserve to return to receiving Gods love in full but it’s such a nonsensical game played to keep the status quo. Easy to break from if I truly want to choose that.

  11. An old belief that I have carried and became aware of was; I do not deserve God’s love….I am unworthy to receive, which comes from my Irish catholic upbringing. What this did was to keep me shut down and in separation from my true essence which is love, which meant that my life was full of struggle and complication and exhaustion which resulted in living a loveless life. It was not till I discovered Universal Medicine and Serge Benhyon that I have cleared and healed so much old stuff from my body, that now I can feel how light my body is and how it communicates with me in every way.

  12. It can sometimes be hard in the moment of reaction to be honest with ourselves and see the reaction for what it is – I recently had to call out in myself a certain reaction or behaviour I kept falling back on every time a situation asked me to be more – normally in life we can get away with our hurts and reactions without question but then just end up building up in the body and doing us greater harm down the track.

    1. In fact this is such a gift what you are sharing Rebecca. Things come back again and again for us to learn and get a deeper understanding of. When we appreciate this is the case we will embrace every situation that are brought to our attention for the gift of growing awareness and the blessing that comes with it.

      1. I agree Nico – finally situations are freed from being the annoying struggle of getting caught up and instead each one we encounter is an opportunity to reflect and evolve – always look first to ourselves rather than instantly pointing the finger at another for in the end it is only us who chooses to react or not

  13. I love the understanding of commitment that you have come to now – that it is about being true to who you are and truly loving; letting go of the belief of needing to be ‘good’ rather than true to what you feel or know from inside.

  14. Jill, I deliberately chose to re-read your blog again this morning. When I read it for the first time I really liked the way you allowed yourself to feel any buried emotions and the part where you describe the sensations in your arm and hands when writing down what you we’re experiencing stayed with me. Yesterday I was feeling an emotion and, inspired by your blog, I talked to myself about everything that I was feeling. I also observed the movements of my hands and the shape they were taking. It was a very powerful experience to observe it from a diatance, even if it was happening very very close, in my own body.

  15. How much do we fall for being nice in our trying to be accepted and in avoiding conflict or in reality, to tell our truth, that what emanates inside to be expressed and shared, which in some cases could lead to a reaction in the people we are with?

  16. The joy of coming to Universal Medicine and being offered and presented with the space of absolute truth and this is the most beautiful gift in the world we can give ourselves . it is life changing forever and allowing a real understanding of all we have carried and buried and why and makes sense of everything with a depth of knowing clarity and simplicity as we allow ourselves to truly feel all there is for us in our journey home.

  17. I have been exploring anger and jealousy a lot recently and that gem of an antidote, appreciation, reading what is going on in me and in others towards me, and dropping my hardness with myself and my protection and seeing how much more loving I feel that way with everyone as well as me.

  18. The quietly, softly spoken person who is angry asks us to go beyond what they are presenting and feel what is underneath.

  19. This is such a beautiful blog in its full honesty of the many things that we can carry around with us without even realising it…till one day we are ready to face the demons that we are weighed down with…and then we get to realise that there are no demons other than the ones we create for ourselves. Thank you Jill for your inspiration and willingness to go there, for this has inspired me in so many ways.

  20. “I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. ”
    I have similar experiences and I thought by doing good I could change my negative thoughts.Truth is nothing changed and only when I was inspired through Universal Medicine to feel into my body and learn to connect more deeply to my body things started to shift.

  21. Thank you, Jill, for describing with such honesty your process of releasing the anger that had been buried in the body for some years. It is really helpful to share these stories as we can give each other pause for reflection about our own unresolved emotions.

    1. Being good and doing good does not allow for one ounce of honesty, as every thing is measured up against this ideal, low self worth issues are tied up with the doing good mentality, only in connection with our soul can our un dealt and unfelt emotions be resolved.

  22. What we want to run away from is the gold that is waiting for us all our lives to look at to give us the opportunity to deepen and to evolve. Thank goodness for these opportunities and in our wisdom these areas should be what we go look for.

  23. Not that strange that we become angry about the situation in which we are told that we are only good when we do good. As this is putting a hold on to just be you, in all the glory that you are and actually makes us very sad but try to not feel.

  24. As I came to learn how my anger was really about trying to protect the sadness and hurt inside me, I started to heal those hurts and anger is now a much rarer thing, and if it comes up, I can use it as a sign post to an unresolved hurt to work on some more.

    1. This is a great point Shirley-Ann. To be able to use any emotion that comes up as a ‘sign-post to an unresolved hurt’ rather than allowing the reaction of it to take full flight is a sure sign of how far anyone has come in regard to thier own evolution. And there is always more to learn and to look at.

  25. Awesome Jill, giving yourself the opportunity to feel what was obviously buried for so many years. What I found useful to read was how this was all buried under the illusion of being good or doing good, and how that masked what was really going on underneath.

  26. It is interesting how, we may not directly or obviously feel angry or disturbed by something, but this can be picked up by a listener or someone we are talking to, in the sound, the tone and way we speak… who then may say… “Are you OK? Is everything alright?..” Highlighting how we as humans can and do choose to avoid a niggle or something that is bothering us, and yet it takes another to bring a Stop moment, to reflect back to make us question and say… ‘actually, yes, you are right, I’m not quite myself today’ Great opportunity to then bring more honesty to investigation to resolve something.

  27. At school we should be trained how to connect, connect and connect. Connection and purpose guarentee what we all deserve – a live full of love.

  28. Could it be possible that one day our organs will be showered with Love so that they start to share differently with the body? Then as Jill has shared life will be viewed from a different perspective so True Healing along with Conventional Medicine will support humanity. “One day about four years ago, Universal Medicine came into my life. At one of the workshops that I attended I came to understand, that apart from the physical aspects of gall bladder and liver disease, there were also energetic causes. These were explained to be frustration, bitterness, resentment, rage and anger.” So then when the energetic understanding become normal we will be seeking maintenance from True Healing and support from Conventional Medicine!

  29. This is a great blog, I love how you discover what you had buried for so long, that you were brave enough to finally allow yourself to feel the fact that you were mad as hell.
    I relate, I find it so much easier, doing good and being busy than I do being loving to myself and responsible. I am still struggling with just “being” accepting myself.

  30. You could say that rage actually emanates from some people, as if they’re living on a certain frequency with very short wave lengths (a.k.a. temper)… Our emotions and movements create huge ripples that can be felt by an enormous amount of people.

  31. Humanity has been so conditioned with disinformation that has resulted in such a devastating sense of betrayal… and this is why it is so important that we live the words we speak when we talk about religion and love, brotherhood and connection.

  32. It is such a relief when what is buried in the body surfaces, is felt and released. It is such a simple process that allows more space in the body for the love we naturally are.

  33. “I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.” Yes if I had a penny for each time I pondered that one, such as I used to be so certain I never (or rarely ever) did jealousy (as I understood it) but that I just used to give myself a hard time, not realising that jealousy is just that, self-fury!

  34. I was raised in the Catholic tradition and I recall as part of the mass a line that said something like; I am not worthy. Therein lies the first lie. We are all worthy. God does not love some more than others, he just loves because he is love. Which means that if we are of God then we are also from love. No-one is any different. I understand this at a much more deeper level now thanks to Serge Benhayon and what he presents.

  35. Any ideals and beliefs about being benevolent, doing good, right and wrong are just that, they are part of the illusion that people fall for when in search of God, when in truth the only possible way is found within in the acceptance of who we are.

  36. We tend to see life outwardly, that is we tend to see how we contribute to the outside (the others) and judge us based on that which we help to achieve. Yet, how we live life also has an impact on us which is unavoidable. If the ‘good’ what we produce on the outside, also generates ‘bad’ in us, the questions are: is it worth it? How much can we play along without anything happening to us? Or are we so stubborn and arrogant that we keep going because something happening to us is not a possibility? Is it true what we are trying to sustain? How can it be something true if a part is left out and gets hurt?

  37. A beautiful sharing Jill. It just goes to show that it is never too late, we are never too old, to start the process of our return to our true selves The releasing of emotions and hurts that have been buried for ages allows for more space in our bodies and greater clarity in our relationships.

  38. “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” These words used are so manipulative and crushing in every way, I always had a problem listening to them when I went to church as a child. It is a shame religion has strayed so far from the truth and love, and continues to portray a very false version of God.

  39. Anger is a way to hide our hurt.
    The deepest hurt we carry is not what people did to us but how much we left living our truth to fulfil roles.

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