Angry? Who Me? NO WAY! Or that is what I thought. I would run a mile from anger, even from myself. I went into pandering as a way of life to keep myself safe by attending to other people’s needs, keeping myself hidden and hoping thereby to keep everything peaceful.
Anger was not something I permitted in myself. There was supposedly a righteous anger where you were justified in being angry because you were upholding the good and the right. I did not get into that, because anger in any form did not fit my picture of how a Christian life should be.
When one of my sons would ask me, “Are you angry, Mum?” I would reply, “No, I am just a little annoyed.” I would have sworn on the Bible that I was not angry. I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.
When I look back into my early life with honesty, I remember situations where I was frustrated and angry. Strangely enough, and conveniently, I totally forgot and buried those experiences. So this denial was the way I lived a large part of my life. All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.
One day about four years ago, Universal Medicine came into my life. At one of the workshops that I attended I came to understand, that apart from the physical aspects of gall bladder and liver disease, there were also energetic causes. These were explained to be frustration, bitterness, resentment, rage and anger.
This seemed strange, but interesting to me at the time, because I thought, “I don’t feel any of those emotions at all.” Here I was, a woman in her seventies who had had her gall bladder removed some 45 years ago and I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.
This was a puzzle to me at the time. How could these emotions be there and I not feel them? Over time, as I accepted that there must be some truth in what was said, I chose to open up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, they were lurking somewhere deep inside.
Over the course of the next four years, through many healing sessions and workshops and opening up to being much more loving with myself, I got to feel some of these deeply buried emotions as they surfaced, finally admitting that I did feel anger.
All that aside, this morning was to bring up a deeper experience for me. I was reading a blog about commitment, a word I was uncomfortable with, feeling that this was somehow lacking in my life. I had thought I was very committed in my Christian life but commitment in my life now seemed to be so hard. It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.
As I was reading the words about commitment, I felt tears of sadness welling inside of me. I started to write down what I was feeling, and as I was writing I suddenly noticed the way I was writing had changed. I could feel a strange energy coming down my arm and into my writing hand, making my writing scrawled. As the energy of rage and anger was being felt I had the urge to push the pen and the full stop right through the page.
I felt angry – very, very angry – and it was directed at God: all those feelings that I never knew were there came rushing to the surface.
At this moment I could feel my jaws clenched so tight that my teeth were hurting. What I now felt was a deep hatred and anger at myself for deserting me, for making myself feel worthless by taking on beliefs that were not true and that denied the preciousness of who, as I have now come to know, I truly am.
In the past I had heard people rail against God, saying how God had deserted them. Back then, in my self-righteous way I would think, “I don’t feel like that about God.” But here I was doing the same railing against Him for supposedly letting me down. All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing. I had been sold a lie.
As I observed what my body was experiencing, I could feel the energy of past beliefs being cleared from my body. This left me with a sense of freedom, allowing more of the true me to be felt.
Feeling into with more understanding of the energy of the so called ‘good,’ I can now feel its disgusting nature, this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak, with the biggest one being, “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.
How dreadfully evil is that!
I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. But this time around I have been truly blessed and deeply appreciate the opportunity to now come to know the truth of the Ageless Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon, to be re-awakened once more. I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…
For this I am worthy.
By Jill Steiner, Tweed Heads South, NS, Australia
Further Reading:
Religion is a living connection
Being The Son of God
God’s Waiting Room
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
“It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.” I know about being good and nice – it was so good to have that called out and to recognise it for what it was, for me as a people-pleaser. Just being ourselves – what a beautiful natural way to live. We may even do similar things, but the energy we do them in is very different.
Gosh it just shows how numb and of course the illusion we can be in that we can think we are not angry or have no feeling of frustration, anger, bitterness, rage etc., when actually we have all of them but have just buried them so deep within our body! Your honesty and willingness to go there is truly inspiring.
Jill, how amazing we are when we deepen our understanding of God and our True-relationship with the grand-ness we all are.
‘ I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.’ When we start unpicking it, it can be quite a shock to realise how much resentment, anger, bitterness and rage we may be holding on to. I was completely ignorant of how deeply these emotions ran in my body until I started to address them, but once I got into the swing of it, over time it was surprisingly easy to let it all go!
And then the supervening Joy and Harmony we can live in is simply a normal way of existing!
Its been interesting to observe how my headaches have reduced since dealing with the frustration and resentment I used to carry.
Reading your blog again today I could see so clearly how rules and being real just don’t go together. I know for me as soon as I have a rule, an ideal, or belief about how I’m supposed to be this cuts the realness that is there for me to connect to within myself and express and take care of. As a society we seem to dismiss how beautiful and complete we are when we are born, as a result we can pour into children and adults how we are supposed to be which can suppress the true person.
Awesome what you have shared here Melinda in the importance of keeping it real and of course allowing ourselves to feel what is really going on in the body.
Yes and observing how children change as the grow – from gorgeous unselfconscious natural beings to being imposed upon by those adults around them – who were similarly imposed upon when they were young.
Ideals and beliefs stop us being true to ourselves, and cause much anguish, ‘as soon as I have a rule, an ideal, or belief about how I’m supposed to be this cuts the realness that is there for me to connect to within myself’.
‘I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.’ It’s quite incredible what we choose to bury and the insistence that we don’t have a problem… yet, the raging current is turbulent under the calm surface.
I can so relate to this. We do perhaps think we are getting away with it, however sooner or later an outburst or a reaction to something tells us otherwise and whilst we can wonder where on earth it came from the answer has been beautifully shared here. We have simply decided to ignore and push under the rug the feelings we don’t like to feel or do not know what to do with, preferring to keep the surface picture intact – that we have everything under control regardless of that turbulence. At some point however the picture has to crack and we are left to deal with what should have been dealt with a long time prior – honouring our feelings and sensitivity.
I wonder how many people push their feelings, or emotions, deep into their body, thinking they will disappear, only to have them emerge years later.
Thanks for your honesty Jill, it’s a great topic on getting to the deep honesty of how we are feeling and to then be accepting of ourselves, as the honesty allows us to feel where we are truly at, which opens the door for the potential to heal and begin to choose to be love instead. This line exposes the damage of beliefs and ideals, and how when we align to them, we can become someone other than ourselves “It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.” There is such a simplicity to life by just being our real selves. Thank you Jill.
Absolutely, Melinda that hidden Joy that has always been waiting to be lived from our Inner-most Heart or Soul (one and the same!).
It is incredible how arrogant our minds can be – in total denial of any effect on our bodies … and yet the body never lies – the result of all our choices are all there to be felt in our bodies whenever we choose to feel them.
When we bury our unresolved emotions it does not mean they are not still there influencing our behaviours and day to day life.
Very true Suse … unresolved emotions remain in our bodies creating a daily tension we carry with us everywhere we go until we are prepared to truly heal them.
These buried emotions will come out in one way or another, do we wait until they manifest as some form of illness or disease, or start to heal and release them now.
This blog is a great example of how we can store our emotions in the body and then carry on as if that emotion is nothing to do with us but the benefits of getting those emotions out of the body are priceless.
Our bodies will thank us for releasing these harmful buried emotions.