ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY!

Angry? Who Me? NO WAY! Or that is what I thought. I would run a mile from anger, even from myself. I went into pandering as a way of life to keep myself safe by attending to other people’s needs, keeping myself hidden and hoping thereby to keep everything peaceful.

Anger was not something I permitted in myself. There was supposedly a righteous anger where you were justified in being angry because you were upholding the good and the right. I did not get into that, because anger in any form did not fit my picture of how a Christian life should be.

When one of my sons would ask me, “Are you angry, Mum?” I would reply, “No, I am just a little annoyed.” I would have sworn on the Bible that I was not angry. I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.

When I look back into my early life with honesty, I remember situations where I was frustrated and angry. Strangely enough, and conveniently, I totally forgot and buried those experiences. So this denial was the way I lived a large part of my life. All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.

One day about four years ago, Universal Medicine came into my life. At one of the workshops that I attended I came to understand, that apart from the physical aspects of gall bladder and liver disease, there were also energetic causes. These were explained to be frustration, bitterness, resentment, rage and anger.

This seemed strange, but interesting to me at the time, because I thought, “I don’t feel any of those emotions at all.” Here I was, a woman in her seventies who had had her gall bladder removed some 45 years ago and I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.

This was a puzzle to me at the time. How could these emotions be there and I not feel them? Over time, as I accepted that there must be some truth in what was said, I chose to open up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, they were lurking somewhere deep inside.

Over the course of the next four years, through many healing sessions and workshops and opening up to being much more loving with myself, I got to feel some of these deeply buried emotions as they surfaced, finally admitting that I did feel anger.

All that aside, this morning was to bring up a deeper experience for me. I was reading a blog about commitment, a word I was uncomfortable with, feeling that this was somehow lacking in my life. I had thought I was very committed in my Christian life but commitment in my life now seemed to be so hard. It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.

As I was reading the words about commitment, I felt tears of sadness welling inside of me. I started to write down what I was feeling, and as I was writing I suddenly noticed the way I was writing had changed. I could feel a strange energy coming down my arm and into my writing hand, making my writing scrawled. As the energy of rage and anger was being felt I had the urge to push the pen and the full stop right through the page.

I felt angry – very, very angry – and it was directed at God: all those feelings that I never knew were there came rushing to the surface.

At this moment I could feel my jaws clenched so tight that my teeth were hurting. What I now felt was a deep hatred and anger at myself for deserting me, for making myself feel worthless by taking on beliefs that were not true and that denied the preciousness of who, as I have now come to know, I truly am.

In the past I had heard people rail against God, saying how God had deserted them. Back then, in my self-righteous way I would think, “I don’t feel like that about God.” But here I was doing the same railing against Him for supposedly letting me down. All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing. I had been sold a lie.

As I observed what my body was experiencing, I could feel the energy of past beliefs being cleared from my body. This left me with a sense of freedom, allowing more of the true me to be felt.

Feeling into with more understanding of the energy of the so called ‘good,’ I can now feel its disgusting nature, this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak, with the biggest one being, “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.

How dreadfully evil is that!

I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. But this time around I have been truly blessed and deeply appreciate the opportunity to now come to know the truth of the Ageless Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon, to be re-awakened once more. I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…

For this I am worthy.

By Jill Steiner, Tweed Heads South, NS, Australia

Further Reading:
Living religion: in every moment
Being The Son of God
God’s Waiting Room

705 thoughts on “ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY!

  1. I think allowing ourselves to observe emotions that we’re feeling rather than judge them as right or wrong gives us the space to get underneath what’s behind them to truly heal and let them go rather than push them down and not resolve why they were there…

  2. I can so relate to this, Jill, a lifetime or lifetimes spent perfecting the art of being good and perfect. It’s a horrible way to be because it is so false – yet we can be so deeply into it that it can feel very real and like we just don’t feel anything deeper. It’s a great way to hide, but it serves no one as we crush ourselves and allow the mayhem and chaos of the world to continue when we just accept and allow whatever abusive situations around us to carry on.

  3. Wow Jill, incredible – I too know that I have deep levels of anger inside of me. Sometimes I have felt it in the pain of my joints. I too can relate to the good way of life, doing good in order to get something out of life and the unworthiness that comes with this good way of life. What a revelation – the good way of life for me is a result of feeling unworthy, unworthy of love. Now this is something to sit with…

  4. Absolutely massive realisation to come to Jill, seeing the true evil in ‘good’ is a forever unfolding for me. We have a society that is built in ‘good’, a complete cover up for many issues that lay beneath.

  5. What I find fascinating is how Serge Benhayon presented that the body keeps an imprint of everything we do to it – and every emotion we have. That means we may be able to bury these feelings or hide them but eventually they will re-emerge and we will need to readdress them. As a wise man said – every moment means everything.

  6. My version of this Jill would be (re leaving a marriage and then getting a property settlement): ‘Sympathetic? Who me?No way!’ But sure enough as I delved down beneath the layers of conscious thought, I found a strand of sympathy still operating towards the image of the ‘abandoned man’. As soon as I felt the grief of this and then the harmfulness of holding onto such an emotion, I was able to surrender and the property settlement miraculously settled!

  7. This is such a healthy blog. How many of us have glossed over the anger in order to look the part and do good. It’s so healthy to uncover this and allow it out. To admit we are angry is quite liberating, but also knowing that this is not the true us is also liberating. Underneath the anger is the love, but we can’t get to the love unless we allow ourselves to feel the anger.

  8. ” I had been sold a lie.”
    This is so true Jill and you have not been the only one , but the great joy is that you have called it out for yourself and alot of people, thank you.

  9. ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY! I mean why would I want to be. It makes no sense. GET OFF MY LAWN! Where was I? Ah yes, anger. Who needs it?

  10. When we get caught up in the ‘doing good’ we lose who we are because we think we are making a difference when we are in fact only cementing something that is untrue, and when we start to see truth we realise how harmful ‘good’ is.

  11. Thank you Jill, I too have been coming to understand the evil that is in “good”. Being “good” is a way of telling the world to back off and leave us alone because it puts out an energy that basically says; “I am so righteous why would you hurt me, question me etc. In this way it creates a separation within us and this in turn creates a barrier between us, other people and God.

  12. I recently had a similar experience where I could feel how fury and anger run through my whole body and especially my arms, that just wanted to fight everyone who dared to come near. I tried to blame others and of course God for abandoning me, but ended up feeling how extremely painful it is to give my power away, to give up my worthiness and how angry and frustrated I was with myself.

      1. And allowing that vulnerable feeling is probably the key to coming back to you. There is always something to feel underneath (and after) our anger that feels quite fragile and or sad.

  13. ‘Feeling into with more understanding of the energy of the so called ‘good,’ I can now feel its disgusting nature, this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak, with the biggest one being, “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.’ You’ve exposed the evil ‘good’ truly is. We are all love how can we not be worthy of God’s love.

  14. We seem to share a lot of attributes with ants. Sadly it is not the brotherhood and teamwork I mean but the capacity to cover things in sand. We have developed our ability to fill and overlay what we feel to the extent we think our issues aren’t even there. But like a child in a fire with his hands over his eyes it surely is not the way to live and survive. Thank you Jill for your sharing here.

  15. Not giving yourself permission to be angry or even admit you are angry is like putting a stopper in a volcano. It has to come out one way or another. It’s usually in the body, which is designed to be in harmony and cannot handle the poison of anger.

  16. Amazing to read about the pictures of what a christian life should look like, and how perhaps these images do not allow for emotions such as anger and sadness to be looked at and resolved at the deepest level. But that it is the picture that is doing this, and the person choosing to follow that picture who is creating a life based on an image is fascinating, because I am sure this is not an exclusive practise to religions… I can see many areas of life where this takes place, so maybe it is something to do with being human where pictures are sought for the recipe of life, and perhaps there is in this a lesson for us all to learn about discernment of images, because what life is being created based on the image, and if it is not abundant with love and true joy, then surely some big questions need to be asked…

  17. Great blog Jill, exposing the evil in good. This is one evil that I’ve held onto for many lives, all under the illusion that if I am good I will be loved. It’s been many lives lived this way and now is taking many movements to walk and know that I am loved for being me.

  18. Jill I love how you simply link the idea of being good with the church…. It is so obvious the origins of needing to be good lay there. I guess what I was find interesting is, many people feel they are totally unaffected by the evil of christianity yet have strived to be good at points in their life…. very revealing. Awesome post Jill, and it is inspiring you have seen through the evil.

  19. I have heard this so often ‘angry, who me no way” and have denied being angry myself, when that was exactly how I was feeling but choosing not to go there. How on Earth are we to have consistently harmonious relationships if we hide how we feel, not only from others but ourselves? When we have enough love for ourselves and others this (deceitful) way of being gets thrown out the door and we are able to bring honesty back, honesty and absolute honesty on the pathway to truth and absolute truth

  20. I never knew I was an angry woman but I held the anger against myself – so no visible outward signs of anger to others. It was only when I first started to truly love myself – and my old habit of nail-biting (magically it seemed) – started to recede – that I realised I had been so very angry internally whilst presenting a ‘nice and good’ appearance out to others. Dealing with the sadness that had lurked beneath this anger was hugely supportive – thanks to Universal Medicine practitioners.

  21. It is sometimes difficult to discern that one is carrying a backlog of emotion around with them, whether it be anger of frustration or grief, and it is so great when another with clear discernment actually lets you know! Then it becomes more visible and known and one can begin to realise the pattern and its hold over the body. What a wonderful healing to be able to become aware of it and let it go.

  22. ha ha I remember that when attending the first Sacred Esoteric Healing course where it was presented the emotions we hold in our organs as you mentioned the liver an gall bladder .. anger, frustration, bitterness and rage and thought gosh I don’t have any of those … oh how wrong was I!!!! Thankfully though a lot of this has cleared now.

  23. We can hold anger deep inside and put layers of niceness on top of it, to cover up. But the body in the end will always show us the truth with symptoms, diseases and illnesses what is truly going on.
    We also can choose to listen to ourselves way before and allow ourselves to open up to feel our anger without throwing it at others, but just by feeling it and feeling even behind the anger how much sadness there can be.Tears can release all what was held so we can move on.

  24. “It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.” There is such freedom when we let go of being ‘good’ and ‘nice’.

  25. Allowing ourselves to feel things is all that is required to heal things but we all seem to spend so much energy fighting our feelings because they do not match the picture of what we thought our lives should be. The greatest way to train yourself back into just feeling, is releasing judgement, ideals and beliefs. When you are just open to things, the feelings often pass faster than when you suppress them.

  26. We spend a lot of time and effort in burying our emotions, thinking if we are not aware of them they will not harm us. Unfortunately the only place we can burry them is within our body, where this energy then causes disharmony and disease. It is for this reason that true health and wellbeing can only be achieved if we are willing to bring them back up and work with them in a way that they can be fully released.

    1. I so agree. i am currently witnessing the devastation the denial and burying of emotions in ravaging the body of someone close to me. Supporting people to express what they feel – without indulgence – is so important – not something I experienced myself when I was growing up – nor for many of us I feel.

      1. I was brought up with the notion of ‘not hanging your dirty laundry outside’ meaning you only share with he world what is good. There is a whole, deeply ingrained, culture around not airing our emotions and so there is very little support to bring them out and express them. I am witnessing this everyday in my practice, where often clients will apologise if emotions come to the surface.

  27. Jil, this is huge.. this is powerful and real. I am blessed to have chosen this blog to read today, simply because it enriches truth it makes life simple and understandable. It make those lies be cracked and taken down.. for what they are lies.
    I love what you have written and come to here: ‘I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. ‘
    I can feel that I have done the same, feeling worthy by what I do good and hope that he would see that, also that I would not show everything that I am unless he provided the world to be perfectly true (which is the greatest set-up as the world is all but perfect!, so I would not have to show my whole and full self!).
    It is profound to take it deeper and to feel which conditions we have placed on God and ourselves, and what lies we have introduced to be our way. Those lies are very deceptive and needs absolute reveal for we must be identified for our love not for everything that we are not. We are love. We are worth every single drop of God’s love, but this is only possible when we allow the love to be us — being presently with us.

  28. I have attended this same course Jill several times now, and even though I have been open and willing to deeply feel where and how I am still hanging onto emotions from this life, my primary organs continue to relate to me how there is always more to uncover. Our body holds memory, and as much as we do our best to bury it, it will always remain there unless we are willing to uncover it through this process of true healing.

  29. The saying ‘ when the student is ready, the lesson appears’ came to me reading this. As when you had opened yourself up to see what may lurk within, the truth/lesson appears and you are ready to see it.

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