ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY!

Angry? Who Me? NO WAY! Or that is what I thought. I would run a mile from anger, even from myself. I went into pandering as a way of life to keep myself safe by attending to other people’s needs, keeping myself hidden and hoping thereby to keep everything peaceful.

Anger was not something I permitted in myself. There was supposedly a righteous anger where you were justified in being angry because you were upholding the good and the right. I did not get into that, because anger in any form did not fit my picture of how a Christian life should be.

When one of my sons would ask me, “Are you angry, Mum?” I would reply, “No, I am just a little annoyed.” I would have sworn on the Bible that I was not angry. I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.

When I look back into my early life with honesty, I remember situations where I was frustrated and angry. Strangely enough, and conveniently, I totally forgot and buried those experiences. So this denial was the way I lived a large part of my life. All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.

One day about four years ago, Universal Medicine came into my life. At one of the workshops that I attended I came to understand, that apart from the physical aspects of gall bladder and liver disease, there were also energetic causes. These were explained to be frustration, bitterness, resentment, rage and anger.

This seemed strange, but interesting to me at the time, because I thought, “I don’t feel any of those emotions at all.” Here I was, a woman in her seventies who had had her gall bladder removed some 45 years ago and I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.

This was a puzzle to me at the time. How could these emotions be there and I not feel them? Over time, as I accepted that there must be some truth in what was said, I chose to open up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, they were lurking somewhere deep inside.

Over the course of the next four years, through many healing sessions and workshops and opening up to being much more loving with myself, I got to feel some of these deeply buried emotions as they surfaced, finally admitting that I did feel anger.

All that aside, this morning was to bring up a deeper experience for me. I was reading a blog about commitment, a word I was uncomfortable with, feeling that this was somehow lacking in my life. I had thought I was very committed in my Christian life but commitment in my life now seemed to be so hard. It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.

As I was reading the words about commitment, I felt tears of sadness welling inside of me. I started to write down what I was feeling, and as I was writing I suddenly noticed the way I was writing had changed. I could feel a strange energy coming down my arm and into my writing hand, making my writing scrawled. As the energy of rage and anger was being felt I had the urge to push the pen and the full stop right through the page.

I felt angry – very, very angry – and it was directed at God: all those feelings that I never knew were there came rushing to the surface.

At this moment I could feel my jaws clenched so tight that my teeth were hurting. What I now felt was a deep hatred and anger at myself for deserting me, for making myself feel worthless by taking on beliefs that were not true and that denied the preciousness of who, as I have now come to know, I truly am.

In the past I had heard people rail against God, saying how God had deserted them. Back then, in my self-righteous way I would think, “I don’t feel like that about God.” But here I was doing the same railing against Him for supposedly letting me down. All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing. I had been sold a lie.

As I observed what my body was experiencing, I could feel the energy of past beliefs being cleared from my body. This left me with a sense of freedom, allowing more of the true me to be felt.

Feeling into with more understanding of the energy of the so called ‘good,’ I can now feel its disgusting nature, this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak, with the biggest one being, “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.

How dreadfully evil is that!

I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. But this time around I have been truly blessed and deeply appreciate the opportunity to now come to know the truth of the Ageless Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon, to be re-awakened once more. I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…

For this I am worthy.

By Jill Steiner, Tweed Heads South, NS, Australia

Further Reading:
Living religion: in every moment
Being The Son of God
God’s Waiting Room

560 thoughts on “ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY!

  1. ‘Commitment to being the real me’ Thank you so much Jill, this is huge! How often do we commit to the doing of things thinking we are committed whilst we leave ‘us’ behind?

  2. ‘Anger was not something I permitted in myself.’ One of the most loving and freeing gestures we can offer ourselves and others is the willingness to feel whatever is there to be felt in us and in others, without judgement or critique.

  3. Over the past few days I have been offered the opportunity, through my body, to feel some odd moments where there has been a deeper level of frustration arising to the surface. When I overrode my body a couple of times, it was very apparent as the frustration got acted out on myself and thus to others . Now, choosing to observe the tension in my chest or jaw and know it is the moment to stop and bring deeper awareness to what is happening, appreciate being aware of this and then renounce it. This is like magic – as my body re-configures itself in that instant, there is no separation with myself or others.

  4. Anger is so destructive of our true nature and is exposing how we can be dishonest with ourselves as it is such an emotion that we don’t like to acknowledge. But when we do it is giving us the opportunity to release this and the feelings we are covering up.

    1. Great point Benkt, we are never the anger we express, it is just experiences we have used to block our true nature, and that loveliness that is there in our body when we allow ourselves to feel this and live with this. Feeling anger for me means time to get honest about what is still hurting me.

  5. Jill, it’s interesting to read your article and to read how deeply we can bury our emotions and also how we can have a picture of how we think we are, such as ‘good’ and ‘right’. I used to have a picture of myself being a very relaxed person, someone who was pretty much together and would give advice to others when in actual fact I was anxious and living in self-doubt and not relaxed at all. The more I let go of the pictures of how I think I should be and instead simply be the true me, the more settled I feel in my body and the more joyful I feel.

  6. Unworthiness is one of the astral plane’s greatest tricks on humanity – how to keep a good man or woman down – the irony being that we do it to ourselves, we choose the ghastly offering when it is held out to us. Then we cover it all up in the wound of unworthy with a sickly sweet icing called the ‘Nice’ and ‘Good’ although it is not true Good in any sense.

  7. What a revelation: Good is the greatest evil. Good always comes with wrong and bad. We cannot have the one without the other, they are inseparable twins. Truth on the other hand exists on its own, it doesn´t need an opposite to be just as love or joy. This is very worth to deeply ponder on.

    1. It’s a confronting statement that ‘good is evil’ but good is something we have to do, to become. It has a set of rules and ideals attached to it that mean we often have to override our true impulses to be good. So anything that demands we are anything other that true to ourselves is divisive and therefore evil.

    2. Love this Alex, so true, there is no opposite to truth. Any thing that is not from the divine has an opposite, like good and bad, right and wrong……

  8. Jill, thank you for this great and honest sharing. The part where you describe the writing about how you were feeling and the sensations you experienced physically is something that I can relate to and that I had at times experienced not wanting to feel or admit it was there. Thank you for the insights on your deeper understanding of the emotions.

  9. This is gorgeous Jill, you have really cracked a big ideal and a mountainous belief here! You have broken the shackles that bound you in ‘good’. I grew up under the very same illusion and reacting to being ‘good’ by being ‘bad’ didn’t work either. And yes the frustration, resentment, bitterness and eventually the outbursts of rage that could no longer be contained were also all I knew and I thought I was just annoyed and irritated as I was exhausted most of the time. It is exhausting being ‘nice’ . . . in fact it is exhausting not being yourself. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and the Ageless Wisdom that reminds us of who we are and where we are returning to for knowing this we unravel ourselves from our beliefs and leave all our self imposed shackles behind.

    1. Yes, it is like walking around with a permanent restriction and getting more and more upset with that restriction. I agree with you, Kathleen.

  10. ‘“I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.’ This is an amazing piece of psychological propaganda that the church has circulated for aeons to keep the human race reduced from their inherent magnificence. Thanks for outing it Jill.

  11. I so have both hands up for being good and not having much self-worth in my life before Universal Medicine. I understand good as being the greatest evil, yet I feel like a huge steam ship that takes 2 miles to stop its momentum. Being myself without fear of what others will think is a real work in progress.

  12. It is fascinating how much anger can be buried and hidden behind niceness to even such degree that even the angry person can be unaware of it. This is not to be judged in any way but to be fully understood as it serves to manage an inner dilemma. Unraveling this dilemma can be a challenging and very revealing process that requires honesty and vulnerability.

  13. I have experienced extreme anger in myself only once or twice in my life where I felt I was almost out of control. (I say almost because in writing this I realise that being angry is a very effective way of controlling the situation. It dominates and subjugates those around us. ) But even though I’ve only expressed extreme anger a couple of times, I have not been a person free of anger – I’ve held my anger within but it has come out in other ways like sniping comments, lingering resentment, desperate sadness… all because I didn’t want to acknowledge I was feeling anger. I do still feel flashes of anger at times but thanks to the teachings and presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, the way I choose to live now means I have more space within me so I do not react to what is going on around me so much. I am able to be objective and respond, and if I do feel anger, frustration, sadness … and emotion, I know I’m feeling a hurt within me and am trying to numb it out with my emotions.

  14. We use the ‘good’ as a way of bartering, saying ‘but I have done that’ etc, using it to get people to succumb to our demands, get ahead in social status, to control others. Good, is not truth and Love and Responsibility…these words are where the essence of ‘good’ lie, not in the twisted version that is used to bolster position and fend of criticism.

  15. I love the way kids are so switched on and honest about the what they feel. While adults tend to tiptoe around people to not awaken the volcano, kids just name it and ask us why we are choosing it.

  16. Often our anger is buried so deep with in our bodies that we have no recollection that we are an angry person. One thing that can give it away is that we react to and /or stay away from angry people to avoid our own anger getting exposed.

    1. Very good clue Mary-Louise. This is why it is vital to be aware of who we avoid, and who and what we close down to, because our health and the health of the world depends on us opening up, being honest and clearing our hurts.

    2. Good point Mary-Louise, I used to hate being around angry people, because it was a reflection on my own anger which I had not addressed. It just goes to show the extent we will go to, in order to hide and bury our own feelings of hurt, and actually then not see ourselves as being angry.

  17. ‘All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing.’ How the church has sold us this evil lie and in our choosing of it we have only moved further from God by separating from our divine innate essence.

  18. I remember being very angry in my teenage and early adult years, and then once I began to practice and then teach the Alexander Technique I became ashamed to my behaviour without acknowledging why the anger was there or where it came from. This resulted in years of self abuse in another way, deep suppression and burying of the deeper truth of where this emotion came from, why I invested in it, and how I was truly feeling about myself and my life. It has taken me years of working with Esoteric Healing practitioners to allow these feelings to surface, and discover what you did Jill, that the anger came from my lack of confidence and self worth, and was about myself before it was directed at others or the way the world was. I hear so many people say they are never angry, but can feel the energy in them through the hardness of their bodies and movements. It was through recognising the hardness and holding tight in my body that I was able to connect again with the anger.

  19. It is only with this level of honesty with ourslevs that we can then make steps towards making changes. I can relate to much of whats shared,thank you Jill.

  20. “Anger was not something I permitted in myself.” I am being shown just this recently especially the anger I feel towards myself, though when I do I quickly feel the sadness underneath and it is then the hurt I have not wanted to feel.

  21. ‘Doing good’ is more often than not a thinly disguised veneer overlaying an array of hurts and that includes emotions such as resentment, anger, bitterness and rage; and not to forget the devastating sadness that underpins anger.

  22. Thank you Jill, I realised as I read your blog that the belief from religion we are sinners, unworthy or responsible for the death of Jesus means we must aim to be good all the time to make up for everything we have done wrong. It’s as if we are taught to continually apologise for existing and spend our lives making up for it, hoping to get approved of at some point by a resentful and judgemental God. Nothing could be further from the truth and in fact one day this type of religious belief will be seen for the abuse it actually is. A great line “It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.”

  23. Amazing isn’t it, that we can successfully bury so much emotion and un-expressed tension and discover, many years later that it is still there. Sometimes it takes a stop moment, where our body eventually shows the damage that has been done. And after time this starts to occur on a physical level. It is so much simpler, healthier and expansive to stay open, be tender with ourselves, appreciate ourselves, and take a deeper look at the hurts that keep us in protection, tension, anger and nervous energy. And we realise that our hurt, hard and self-depreciating behaviours are not us at all.

  24. I know that for myself anger builds up when I have not managed to express how I truly feel. It’s like a big dam is created in my body, and my natural ease and joy just disappears. Expressing how I truly feel frees it all up and creates space in my body with which I can then move without all the pent up emotion.

  25. That is the key message that we can mess ourselves up with, thinking we have to do something to be worthy of Gods grace, and love, it simple is not true and not what God is about at all.

  26. “It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.” What a shift in thinking, and how stunning to invite yourself to be the real you.

  27. Physically we know how anger affects our body–it is harmful. But without acknowledging that we have anger and that it may be buried, and coming back to allowing ourselves to truly feel that so thoroughly while nominating this is what we feel, so that it does not own us anymore, we will be forever imprisoned by this emotion. Liberation from emotions is never to avoid it but to be with it and expose it is not a true part of us.

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