I want to share something beautiful that happened to me.
It starts with me being persistently psychologically and emotionally abused and isolated from the rest of my family, by my brother, being terrorised throughout my youth until 14 years old when I came up with the ‘brilliant’ solution – not of standing up for myself – but by numbing myself with drugs. I couldn’t work out what was ‘wrong’ with me to attract such abuse, or how to behave to stop it. As I grew up I had to invent some basis of self to fit into the world, so my entire self-esteem proceeded to be based upon a tragic array of glamorous illusions of societal constructed prerequisites for beauty and success and subsequent acceptability.
I’ve spent the better part of 51 years trying to define who I am by what I look like and what I do… the problem is, I never could. I unconsciously manipulated every choice towards seeking recognition and being acceptable. I moulded myself according to standards that I didn’t agree with or believe in, that didn’t honour my inner truth, my natural expression, me as a person, or as a woman. The truth is that the constant search of ‘what to do with my life’ always felt empty, exhausting, demoralising and impossible to resolve. The way I looked could never fulfill the world’s ‘ideal’ of beautiful; therefore, by those markers I was never going to be an acceptable human being or woman, and as a result my self-loathing blossomed into an ever-present lack of confidence and slight depression.
This of course, and most sadly, is the way of the world that we live in: most people are bound by these illusions of glamour in some form or another to varying degrees, and most set about resolving them in ways that in truth only feed the illusions.
But I have come to know that it doesn’t have to be that way. That it’s actually the energetic quality of how I am and my presence that determines the quality of my life and relationships with others and myself. I am not what I do or what I look like, but I am so very much more. I realised that seeking external gratification is futile; that I needed to change how I felt about and treated myself, to stop being so hard on myself and start loving and honouring myself more. As I became more loving and tender with myself I grew more self-confident, then more able to accept my innate beauty.
Throughout my life I’ve looked in the mirror and seen all manner of reflections: from feeling ‘I can’t manage more than a fleeting glance’, to feeling ‘ugly’, to feeling ‘sexy’, to ‘that will do’, to being able to look myself in the eye and have a quick pep-talk, or to confirm I was doing ok that day as I could actually look myself in the eyes and nod hello. But the other day I miraculously saw a reflection I’ve never felt before – My Beauty. A beauty that transcended my physical attributes, any need to be different, any comparison, self-doubt or self-loathing. It was just suddenly there and it was amazing. I now know for absolutely sure what beautiful means; that I am beautiful, as are we all, that true beauty lives within me, that it always did and it now wants to shine.
It’s been the unwavering love, commitment and support of Serge Benhayon, Mirtha and other Universal Medicine practitioners over the past 13 years that’s helped me to begin to unravel the web of glamorous illusions in which I’d entangled myself; to stop beating myself up for not being good enough, to start accepting myself for who I am and stop giving power to the old ideals, beliefs and patterns that drove me to seek to define myself by what I do and what I look like. Although these things still strive to rule at times, nonetheless I am able to allow myself to come back to just being me more easily, and more often.
And that is a beautiful thing!
by Jeannette, Sydney, Australia