I am 35, and my relationship with my Dad is the best it has ever been. It has been interesting to look back and observe how it was at different stages of our lives.
As a young child I remember hanging out of Dad’s back pocket; wherever he was, I was, and I so wanted to make Dad happy. He was my idol.
It is easy to see now, when I look back, that Dad had put a lot of pressure on himself: he had three young boys and a wife to support, was running a bricklaying business, and was in the process of turning our hundred acre run-down farm into an income – as well as renovating our home. In all of that I never saw Dad a great deal… so when I did, I wanted to please him. I did as I was told and took an interest in what Dad was interested in so I could spend time with him. Dad loved me and loved my being around him – and if that made him happy, then that is what I did.
My ‘trying to please Dad’ lasted until my early teens when I became sick of that role, as it meant I was doing a lot of work I didn’t want to do – and it didn’t appear to be making him happy anymore. So I rebelled…I grew my hair long (it was always short back and sides for my first twelve years), started smoking cigarettes and pot and really was just trying to say a big “up yours, Dad!”, as I thought Dad was to blame for my life turning out how it was.
During this time, our relationship deteriorated to the point where we wouldn’t even talk during the day, even though I was working for Dad. It wasn’t that bad all the time, but things were definitely strained between us.
When I was around 30 I started to make a few changes in my life, and with that came the opportunity to start a new relationship with Dad…a real one. I wasn’t trying to upset him anymore and I didn’t blame him for controlling my life: I came to that realisation after attending Universal Medicine presentations. I actually gave myself a hard time for trying to please Dad, but that didn’t work out well for me.
How could I blame Dad, as it was ME who chose to do so much on the farm? It might not have seemed like it at the time, but I did have a choice, and a lot of the time I chose what Dad wanted, not what I wanted.
I understand life a lot more these days and I have realised I have sought recognition and approval for most of my life. I have needed people to say “great job, Tony” for me to then feel ok about myself.
I feel terrific most of the time now, so I don’t need that approval from others (although it still is nice to hear every now and again): the reason I feel so good is because I am making choices that support me in all areas of my life.
It is Michael Benhayon who has inspired me greatly. I have been seeing Michael for the last few years on a monthly basis (he is a practitioner at the Universal Medicine clinic).
Over time, he has consistently shown me a way of living that doesn’t take its toll on the body. He has shared why the same things are happening time and time again, and how much fun life can be. Michael has never told me what to do, even when I keep having the same issues over and over. I have to say I am more honest now, because I learnt that if I wasn’t honest then I wouldn’t actually get to the root cause of the problem…I would skim over it and the problem would rise again at a later date.
I can’t thank Michael enough. Through his being the honest and loving man he is, it has inspired me to be the honest and loving man I am. He is a true friend.
I still make a lot of mistakes in life, but now instead of blaming someone or something, I simply look at the choices I made that led to that incident, and then change them (not always straight away) so that they can’t happen again.
The last few years have been great and I have been blessed to have the opportunity to work side by side with Dad. Most of the time I won’t do things that don’t agree with me, and that can upset Dad at times, but I’m not doing them to upset him – I’m not doing them because they don’t feel right for me, and Dad respects that.
I won’t push my body to the limit as I used to; if something is too heavy or awkward I ask for a hand instead of struggling or risking damage to myself. I work in a very physical job, so I need to support myself in that.
Dad and I now joke and have fun together, which we missed a lot of when I was younger. I have made massive changes in all areas of my life – changes that I have made for myself. Those around me definitely feel the difference… and Dad especially loves it.
by Tony
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
Standing by yourself is a respect that others will also feel and express back at times. This reflection may be too much sometimes for others, and it’s okay.
We have to truly appreciate the fact that thanks to our free association with Universal Medicine, we have been able to re-imprint our relationships with ourselves, our bodies, life and other people.
When we stop the blaming game and start taking responsibility, our relationship with ourselves, the world and those around us change. It is beautiful to feel the ripple effect of love – being introduced first into the relationship with yourself, and then with your dad. The simplicity of you just being you is very much felt. Thank you for your sharing, Tony.
A beautiful sharing Tony about you and your Dad’s relationship, where you have taken responsibility for your choices and with love and self care in your life, your relationship with your Dad has opened up to be a joyful and loving one.
Beautiful to read yet again as I can never be reminded too often of my tenderness and that I can be tender in everything I do.
Thank you Tony for showing that it is OK to be a tender, loving man, even in a physically hard, manual, male dominated work environment.
By honouring yourself you bring that same energy to your relationship and your dad respects you. Awesome and by being yourself you open to having fun sharing a joke and enjoying yourselves. Very inspiring and a joy to read.
Respect and love comes from respecting and loving oneself first and not from people pleasing.
Love it Tony. Being responsible in relationships makes all the difference as you have clearly discovered.
This is beautiful. Acceptance and understanding of ourselves truly opens us up to loving others.
We often can feel that people want us to be a certain way but they in fact may not, and when we change in a way that is more self loving it can be surprisingly to feel how much people support this. The restrictions we placed on ourselves were not truly always wanted by others, as we can be very misguided by our perceptions and the belief that we have to be a certain way. Taking responsibility for our self is very liberating, as is the understanding of how powerful our every choice is.
For men to talk like this about themselves and their relationships is rare especially the relationship they have with their dad. It is something the world ought to have more of
There are many pictures of how we should be in a family. Children want to make parents happy, parents expect children to comply so they can feel good. But neither are taking responsibility to live the joy that we are. If we are shown honestly and lovingly in life by the closest to us that our joy is our own responsibility, we start to let go of need in relationships to start building a relationship with ourselves which would also grow the relationships with each other.
As I commit to myself in life and know that what I am doing is true for me the need for recognition and approval is becoming non existent… I am working with and learning to make the connection to myself and the quality of energy I am in my priority and then there is no seeking for anything outside of myself.
Michael Benhayon is an absolute rock, true friend and inspiration in many people’s lives including my own.
And mine, too, an inspiration in so many ways of how to be a tender, loving man.
There is much healing in your blog Tony. I had a fairly distant relationship with my Dad and until My Mother passed. I was able to heal many things in the relationship with my dad in those ten years until he also passed. I feel it is so important for us to connect and heal our relationships before we leave this Earth plane.
Amazing. If we’re not honest with ourselves, then how can we expect to be honest with others and then look at what’s holding us back. I love just how different our lives can really be and for the better when we just get our selves out of the way.
There’s a great distinction here between doing what we feel to do and honouring us and doing something to annoy or upset another … I’d not considered that so clearly before, but I can feel how when I do the former, even if others are upset they get it, and I am learning to let them be with that and to give them space to adjust and overall I have more understanding of others, whereas the second I often did when I was younger to prove a point, and it was all about me withholding my love, who I naturally am in some way, in other words I was hurt and I wanted to make the other pay and feel it … and this felt awful. It’s so great to now have the understanding of how to honour myself and be with other in this, and I learn each day more and more in this, when I muck up, when I’m there, it’s all an amazing way to deepen my relationship with myself and hence with all others.
It is interesting when another gets upset because of either what we have said or what we choose to do and what can even be more interesting is group alignment where one can be attacked for acting in a way that is true for them. We may be the only one that has chosen to do what we feel but that doesn’t mean it is not a true decision.
This article shows that it is never too late to bring love and joy back into any relationships we have. It seems simpler to hold ourselves (and others) back by refraining from rebuilding our relationships, but as is shared here, the blessing for everyone is too great to shy away from.
The joy of being with another and laughing together is more valuable than words can possibly describe.
I suspect this change in behaviour and shift in priorities after their partners death is a common experience Roslyn, and I am pleased you got to see more of the man he is than the man he chose to become.
How often do we avoid a conversation because we don’t want to rock the boat or upset anyone only to find the situation keeps happening and escalating as a result of not having been honest in the first place?!
Really wonderful sharing Tony. It is a really amazing turnaround and there is true power when men are themselves. When in that true power of being themselves, what they offer to each other, is true inspiration, friendship and love.
How gorgeous Tony, you got yourself back and your Dad and everyone else got you back as well. I remember as a teenager going in the opposite direction from my parents and distancing myself from them, which now as a parent of teenagers I can see how much of a confusing and upsetting time that would have been for them. Honesty, as they say, really is the best medicine. Everyone then knows what is going on for each other instead of hiding or bottling things up.
“I actually gave myself a hard time for trying to please” So true to me too. We lose connection to who we really are when we are trying to be ‘something’ for someone else. And as a parent it is beautiful when I know children, of any age, are being true to themselves.
We never get too old to look at what we bring to the relationships in our lives do we? The pattern of pleasing and getting fed up with pleasing is a classic pattern for teenage years, so much resentment comes in about what is perceived as conditional love. Neither party want the conflict but often, neither party are prepared to look at their own contribution to get to that conflict. I love that you didn’t ask your dad to change, you addressed your hurts and issues and he got to connect to you for who you are and he found that part of himself as well.
This blog is a beautiful example that it is possible for any relationship to heal and become more loving if we are willing to make different choices, in your case Tony expressing yourself more tenderly and openly supported your relationship with your dad to truly heal.
It’s great to see men making changes for themselves that then support a change in how they look at other things and people. How your view of life can change when you do things for yourself and there is a direct relationship between how you are with yourself, how you truly treat yourself and how you see the world.
We have to accept that we cannot abuse the body to please others. That cannot ever be the basis of a true relationship (both with the body and with the other one).
Loved how you started to take responsibility for your choices, and that there is no need for approval or recognition, and it’s never too late to turn a relationship around.
Thank you Toni for sharing a great story, taking responsibility for our choices and stop blaming others is definitely life changing as you have found in your relationship with your Dad now, choosing to be more gentle with your body while working is a great reflection self care to those around you.
It’s the difference in loving yourself or not that then changes all the relationships around you.
When I was growing up, I just wanted to connect to my Dad and so I pretended to be interested in sport in order to get close to him. Later I realised I loved music and I didn’t have to pretend to love it and that became our way of connecting. I find your story very sweet and touching, to re-imprint your relationship with your father is priceless.
A great blog Tony! Most of us have a lot to thank Serge Benhayon and the Universal Medicine Practitioners for. The Way of The Livingness is also an amazing clarifying tool teaching us a new way of being in the world and relating to others by taking responsibility for our part in the state of our relationships..
Michael Benhayon is an amazing practitioner – a man who is deeply wise, and who knows how to support our reconnection with ourselves and the shedding of the layers of all that we have taken on/adopted that is not actually ‘us’, that we may shine as who we truly are.
People such as this are to be deeply treasured in this world, for leading the way in showing by lived example that our lives can be truly founded upon Love, the Love that we all in truth, are.
It’s so great that you share this as openly as you have Tony, thank-you. For how many of us have had truly loving and supportive relationships with our families?
What you’ve brought this down to, is the quality of relationship you have with yourself first and foremost – this is key, as it is from here that we can truly be (and let ourselves become) ourselves with another, authentic and real.
Very inspiring Tony. So many men settle for a way of being where they hold back how they feel and don’t express themselves. It is gorgeous when a man surrenders and allows his sensitivity to come out and be expressed.
I loved reading this! Do we really like the relationships or ‘contracts’ we form with other people when the foundation is to do something the other likes and then the other doing the same back for you? True relationships are beautiful – where we both honour our own feelings and are ‘real’ with each other in how we feel about things. It is beautiful to just be yourself with someone and vice versa.
If we are all being honest with ourselves it is really quite irresponsible to blame others for things that we ourselves choose to do but yet far too many of us still choose to do this.
Loving reading about these re-connections with parents. It’s such a big one as we love to be stubborn about how our parents ‘stuffed us up’. None of it is true of course, but they do tend to be our punching bags at the first sign of things not going well in our lives.
Truly amazing what happens when we start to take responsibility for our own choices in life. How it changes our relationships and brings back the joy of being and, in your case, working together. There is so much to appreciate when we choose to come back to the love that we are.
Reading your blog, I’m reminded of how often I make the relationship with my Dad all about what I think, what I feel, the hurts and reactions that I carry…. so little of it is about seeing him for who he is, what is guiding him so I can simply understand. Its at that moment that I can truly be with him for the first time.
I love reading about how a relationship with our parent can change over the years. I know mine has, and while I constantly catch myself falling into chasing after an ideal of making it better than before, and how I want that to look like, it is a forever unfolding and it’s never too late.
Gorgeous blog Tony, I can just imagine how delighted your Dad would be at the changes you’ve made. We all feel it acutely when someone is holding something against us, which makes any sort of lightness, depth or meaningful exchange very unlikely. A very inspiring transformation thanks for sharing it.
It must be challenging to work with your father and to break through old patterns that you have developed since childhood. Good on you Tony, that you were able to turn your relationship around to one of connection instead of reaction!
I love your openness here in sharing your admiration, wanting to please, rebellion, to acceptance of self. Many go through the first three stages, but very rarely come to the deep settled acceptance of self that you have. Simply sharing your story offers this very same settledness to others.
When we learn to let go of hurts and stop blaming others we allow the space for our relationships to transform and to become more loving.
Our relationship with ourselves dictates what we will have with others. It is so valuable to never comprise the relationship with self for anything or anyone. Because then others are getting the real you!
Reading this again today I got how your commitment to yourself and the support you received from Michael Benhayon was what really turned your relationship around ” I still make a lot of mistakes in life, but now instead of blaming someone or something, I simply look at the choices I made that led to that incident, and then change them (not always straight away) so that they can’t happen again.” I love the simplicity and matter of factness in this statement and know for myself how taking this kind of responsibility can change everything.
Tony thank you for sharing, we all go through and have hurts but as you have shown it is never too late to restart relationships and redevelop and the trust and love we have with each other. So often when we let our hurts get to us we react and those closest to us get the effects of our actions, knowing that we can rebuild these bridges is always great to hear. We are here to learn and so will naturally make mistakes, the key is how quickly we rebound and learn from them.
I love that this proves that it’s never too late to restart a relationship, or write a relationship off, when we understand we’re all just here to learn different things, it starts to allow us to be more open and understanding, and allowing of other people’s path of evolution.
I couldn’t help it Tony I just had to say it . . . “great job, Tony” . . .great job in turning your life around!
This is such a beautiful story Tony. Amazing what happens when we take responsibility for our choices.
Tony your story will touch a chord in many as you so honestly share your experience of unfolding and learning to take responsibility and grow your relationship with yourself.
I love how when we start to be more loving towards ourselves our relationships with others also start to blossom.
Tony this blog is a great example of how as we grow so do our relationships with others. The more responsibility I take for situations that happen and reflect on past situations the more understanding I am open to. I recently found myself absolutely enjoying the simplicity of being with a person for the first time in my life, and it feels great. I too have Michael Benhayon to thank for his ongoing support.
A relationship based on needing approval from another has never felt comfortable for me, this was strongly felt in familial relationships and it was expected to be normal. But when we truly express how we feel in openness and understanding with family members, we can genuinely live in acceptance of each other even though we may have different views on love.
This is a great account of how when we take responsibility for our lives and choices that our relationships deepen and develop into more equal and loving ones…thanks Tony a very heart warming and inspirational blog to read.
To take responsibility for our choices is a great healing – it can grow and deepen a relationship instantly if we are willing to be super honest. It sounds like the quality you have with your dad now is really strong and true.
‘How could I blame Dad, as it was ME who chose to do so much on the farm? It might not have seemed like it at the time, but I did have a choice, and a lot of the time I chose what Dad wanted, not what I wanted.’ Only when we drop the pattern of blame and start taking responsibility for everything that happens in our lives do we initiate true healing. This is a great story of your evolving relationship. Thanks Tony.
This is a beautiful way to build a more loving relationship with your Dad Tony, what stood out was you being yourself. There was no longer a need to please him or to blame him. To honour how you feel even if it meant at times it might upset your dad was inspiring to read because often we hold back expressing how we truly feel in fear of upsetting others. To truly express our love is to not hold back truth or hold back in expressing who we are.
What a great line, awesome sharing Tony -“I learnt that if I wasn’t honest then I wouldn’t actually get to the root cause of the problem…I would skim over it and the problem would rise again at a later date.” Perfectly expressed. I recently was looking at household chores and realising that not doing things properly led to bigger issues down the track and more work – which is exactly what I can feel is happening with internal issues I don’t property take care of in my full honestly and with self love.
Gosh Tony you are a beautiful writer! There is so much here to comment on, one of the things I resulted to was realising we can’t blame others and it’s up to us to look at all of our own choices, even from a young age, and take responsibility for those. This also takes a lot of pressure off relationships by being fully responsible for ourselves. Not a lot of room for love or fun with people when blame is there – it’s like a wall between us.
Wow what a great blog Tony, how wonderful that you have had the opportunity to fully embrace a totally different relationship with your Dad. Many people go through their whole life, in blame and judgement of their parents, that they didn’t do enough or be there enough for them, but you have brought honesty and truth, allowing for there to be a different foundation for your relationship, very beautiful.
When you have a certain pattern running in a relationship it can cause a bit of a stir when we decide to change the ‘rules’ so to speak, but in my experience the relationships that can then develop when we are prepared to be honest and true are much deeper, truly supportive and enjoyable.
Tony I agree, when we develop a loving and honouring relationship with ourselves we know our true value and we no longer need the constant confirmation from outside of us, that we are doing okay or have done well. We are often more respected and appreciated when we are being true to ourselves as others feel the truth and realness of us, as you dad did.
It is not uncommon for us to look for recognition based on what we do; this seems to be a learned behaviour from young. Do we really love and appreciate others for who they naturally are, not for what they can do?
Thanks for sharing about your relationship with your dad Tony. What you share can be applied to all of our relationships in life. Being honest and true to ourselves and not for favour or recognition.
I really enjoyed reading your blog Tony. It demonstrates that it’s never too late to heal and restore connection in estranged relationships, especially with close family. It’s true that if we are willing to look at ourselves and be honest, making simple changes to how we live can have a massive impact on everything else in our lives.
It’s really beautiful to read how you’ve transformed your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your father through no longer blaming others and honouring yourself. How you honour yourself even when others may find it inconvenient or initially react but are met with steady acceptance and love is super inspiring. Self-respect from this deep well of love can only imbue others with it too.
How wonderful that you now have a great relationship with you dad, now that you are able to be yourself with him! I also agree that Michael Benhayon is a wonderful practitioner – I too have been seeing him regularly over the years and truly appreciate his support.
I agree Michael Benhayon is an extraordinary practitioner – what a blessing to have him in our lives.
“I feel terrific most of the time now, so I don’t need that approval from others (although it still is nice to hear every now and again): the reason I feel so good is because I am making choices that support me in all areas of my life.” Making choices that feel true to ourselves is so important. Trying to suit others and be dutiful doesn’t work because we can get resentful – yet we chose to do what we did! Great blog Toni – thankyou.
It is so beautiful to read Tony, that you just by being more of yourself and are not trying to please, the relationship with you father is more joyful and natural than it has ever been in your life. What proves to me that when we try to please someone, that in a way we are abusing ourselves because we tend to go beyond our limits and start to build resentment from that behaviour if it is not resulting in the outcomes we where looking for. And to my experience, pleasing someone else has has never brought me the outcome that I was looking for, it only deteriorated my level of self worth and took me further away of who I truly am.
Universal Medicine supported me to take responsibility for the choices I had made and the relationships I had based on those choices, and reimprint them all without the blame and hurt that I was lacing them with. As a result I too now how a beautiful, playful and loving relationship with both my parents, that continues to deepen and develop… something in the past I never thought would be possible.
Beautiful to feel that you are continuing to develop a relationship with your father at his stage of your life. Its very common to just accept a relationship that is strained and has little substance as normal. Its truly a testament to the man you are, you are taking the love you have for found for yourself back to your father.
YES! This is so cool! It just shows that it’s never too late to start a real, true and loving relationship with anyone. We get so bogged down in awful relationships, but often just a little self responsibility and self reflection changes everything, and what was once awful can be fun, and loving and we can begin to truly enjoy being with another person.
Yes me too! As you say ‘we get so bogged down in awful relationships’ that deep down we know are not working. We know it is not about pleasing and filling in roles and the person we are pleasing does in-truth not want us to please them, but often we have forgotten, so blogs like this are great to remember what we all truly know.
True, and what’s really possible in relationships if we stay true to who we are and bring everything we’ve got to them?
This is a great reminder Lieke, “…the person we are pleasing does in-truth not want us to please them,”. How often do we do something from a place of pleasing or trying to impress another or been the one that someone is trying to impress and it feels awful. It’s giving our power away to a belief or ideal that is not verbally communicated but everyone feels it.
Thank you Tony for this blog, it brought back to me an appreciation of how healing being honest with our choices can be and how blaming our family (or anyone or anything for that matter!) does not heal the dis-ease within us that came from us in the first place.
Hi Tony, thank you for sharing your relationship with your father. I particularly like this phrase:
I have to say I am more honest now, because I learnt that if I wasn’t honest then I wouldn’t actually get to the root cause of the problem…I would skim over it and the problem would rise again at a later date.
This resonates so deeply with me; honesty is the ONLY way forward. Without honesty we are cheating ourselves and we are worth more than that.
Yes. Honesty takes practice when you’ve lived your life in denial, but now we have markers; we know the feeling of relief honesty brings to our bodies and so we also know when we are being a little economical with our truths.
Honesty and courage walk hand in hand; each supporting the other.
Thank you Tony for sharing how with the inspiration of Universal Medicine you chose to be honest and honour yourself and how this changed your relationship with your dad. The harmony will be felt in every brick you lay together.
beautiful blog Tony, Relationships are so important and it is but a choice away to have a harmonious relationship with others, which is to have an harmonious relationship with ourselves.
This is such a beautiful sharing Tony and I love the relationship you now have with your dad based on honesty. It’s sad to realise the time we waste in blaming others for what really are our own choices. For me this also highlights the risky business of putting people on pedestals as we do our parents and doing things to please them only to go through a stage of disappointment when we realise that they are human with the same imperfections as the rest of us.
Having a good relationship with people is much easier then having a bad one. This is because it takes 2 to have an argument but only takes one to initiate a harmonious relationship.
Beautiful Luke, and its true, when we get a harmonious relationship with ourself, it will have an effect on all our relationships.
Very true Benkt
Awesome blog Tony and a great example of how just like the bricks that you lay to build anything, new foundations can be also laid brick by brick for any of our relationships.
Beautifully said Suse and very true.
An inspiring blog Tony! This would be great for all young people to read who have also had relationship issues with parents, and the need to please them to their detriment .
To be able to honour yourself and what you need in life and at the same time lovingly share this with a parent is tricky. Honest sharing done lovingly is the way to go.
This is such a beautiful account of the relationship with your father, to which I can relate, I can feel how I have been pleasing for a long time, but now knowing who I am and want to live through the teachings of Universal Medicine. I can connect deeper and more honest with my dad. Which is a great experience as we can be of such a great support for each other.
We can all change relationships by developing our relationship with ourselves. I’ve also learned that I have to lead the way instead of waiting for others to change always, which has been a pattern of mine.
The ‘blame game’ is something most of us have mastered over the course of our lives without realising that underneath we do have choices and that those choices have led us to the situation we are in. It never ceases to amaze me how much we can convince ourselves that things are a certain way because of XYZ when really there is a lot more going on if we were being really honest with ourselves. I also have found Universal Medicine presentations and sessions with practitioners extremely valuable in helping me unpack the truth of what is really going on. In my case it has certainly caused me to behave very differently in relationships – which everyone has benefited from.
This is a great story Tony, the relationship we have with our parents can change so quickly from a loyal son to a rebellious enemy, both of those are not needed. Often because we discard ourself in the proces, I can feel that it is important to feel as equals with our parents, as that is what they are.
“..but I’m not doing them to upset him – I’m not doing them because they don’t feel right for me, and Dad respects that”. So inspiring. So often we make choices for the other, while our whole body is saying no. I know now that when I respect and honour what I feel and what feels right for me, that in the end, this also accounts for the other.
It is beautiful to feel the strength of the relationship between you and your Dad Tony. I can feel how important it is to be true to ourselves before we say ‘yes’ to others. It is strange that we agree to do things we don’t want to do because we want to show another that they are important to us and willingly invest in the relationship, yet this is the very thing that undermines our connections, starting with our connection to ourselves.
Thank you Tony and Simon, I agree, so many students of the Livingness benefit from attending sessions with Universal Medicine practitioners. The presentations of Serge Benhayon have shared so many ways to bring about true healing, and this is now practiced and lived by many practitioners. Society benefits from this in so many ways including Tony and his dads returning to an inspiring relationship.
All of your blog Toni is transformational but I particularly love this sentence “I still make a lot of mistakes in life, but now instead of blaming someone or something, I simply look at the choices I made that led to that incident, and then change them (not always straight away) so that they can’t happen again.” This is huge and would completely change the world over night if we all understood how useless and harming blaming anyone or anything is!
It’s so beautiful to hear how a change in our choices for ourselves branches out and has on affect on how we are with our relationships too.
Tony, that is a massive realization to come to, and a life changing one. Realising that you made all those choices to please your dad not him making you do them. This is a blog that needs to be read by many parents, I say parents because I can see how as a child we fall into these patterns and they are never questioned. If we could support kids a lot more to make loving choices for themselves, our relationships would be based on loving choices not pleasing ones.
Tony, you are so not alone in your realisation that you ‘have sought recognition and approval’ to ‘feel ok’ about yourself – your just admitting the truth to what motivates most people.
It is never too late to reset a relationship and start anew.
Spot on felixschumacher8, we never know what bulb lay in sleeping below the soil, waiting for all its beauty to flower.
I totally agree felixschumacher8, no matter how old a relationship is a fresh injection of love can always initiate new beginnings.
A powerful blog Tony showing that when we find the strength to be and claim who we are this is not weakness but a strength appreciated by others. A sentence that resonates clearly with me is “I understand life a lot more these days and I have realised I have sought recognition and approval for most of my life.” It is very liberating to be who you truly are.
Great to read how you have re-imprinted your relationship with your father Tony and how you have gained his respect for your choices to look after you even if that is inconvenient for him sometimes. It is beautiful to feel how our choice to not blame others opens up the possibility for going so much deeper in our relationship with our self and everyone else.
It is wonderful how your relationship with your dad has changed to being truly loving by being open and honest and taking responsibility for your choices, and an inspiring example for others to read Tony.
Tony what a really great post. It’s pretty cool that you have turned your relationship around with your father by being willing to take responsibility for what you choose. It just shows that no matter what has happened in our relationships, we can transform them to be more loving and joyful.
Love your blog Tony – so raw and honest. Beautiful to appreciate the importance of taking responsibility for all our choices in life.
It is really beautiful and a great testament to the power of Universal Medicine presentations that when we apply honesty to our lives, commit to make loving changes and stand strong in what feels true, our relationships can develop and evolve so beautifully with us.
To read how your relationship with your Dad has developed to be more loving and true is very inspiring, thank you for sharing this Tony.
This is really beautiful Tony, it shows how by being true to ourselves we develop relationships that are genuine and truly loving. I can really feel how this then allows both parties to connect in a real and truly loving way.
A great blog Tony. I gave my father recently our first hug and he was totally surprised but he liked it – which surprised me. He never gave me a hug, so it was some 53 years for our first hug.
That’s huge Christoph, you do give good hugs, it’s no wonder he liked it.
I did the same thing too with my dad. To get recognition I would mow the lawns. To get extra daddy-daughter time I took up golf so I could play with him. I took on the role of being the son he didn’t have. After a universal medicine event I began opening up to my dad and started expressing the above. He tenderly responded that he always saw me and was always there for me whenever I needed him. All that time believing I had to be someone other than myself to get my dad’s love and recognition all went out the window in an instant with that one sentence my dad replied with. All that ‘hard’ work, when all I had to do was be me.
Thanks for sharing Tony, your honesty is inspiring. Honesty is powerful. Honesty removes barriers, frees one from old beliefs, opens up new ways of living and making choices that are more loving of who we truly are. I remember the first time I was asked a deep and meaning full question about life by one of my children (when they were small) and I answered honestly that I didn’t know and a beautiful sharing unfolded. This moment allowed the inner wisdom that my little one held within to be spoken. Honesty is a blessing to share and a gift to be around.
It’s lovely to read how you have re-imprinted the relationship with your father. It’s now built on a foundation of love and honesty, with you both respecting the differences in each other and not reacting to them as you once did.
This is beautiful, Tony. Thank you for sharing. It was very healing to read how your relationship with your dad has changed from trying to please him, rebelling and blaming, and then to simply being you – I can relate to it very much.
Beautiful, Tony. I can feel how you have opened up your heart to your dad by taking responsibility for your own unresolved hurts and connecting more deeply to what is true for you. A simple recipe to clear the way for real and loving relationships.
Another stand out story about the positive outcome for all when we make our own choices that support us to be the best version of ourselves without any compromise.
This is a gorgeous blog Tony. I love how you have made your own changes for you, because they feel right for you and not because of trying to please your Dad. We think if we please someone and get on their good side, that is how we keep our relationships strong. But you are showing that this is not the case. It’s about the level of honesty you are talking about and being true to ourselves. I have much to learn in this area, but I am committed to this in full. Thank you for your sharing.
I’ve found that contrary to the way I used to believe, I now know that making choices that truly feel right for me (in contrast to making them to please other people, make myself look good etc), is the only way that develops open honest and expanding relationships. It’s not always comfortable doing this because of ingrained patterns of behaviour and the reaction that can sometimes come from others but the more I have come to care for myself, the easier this has become.
Tony I love your honest blog. The easy way you wrote makes it very simple for me to feel what you change in your life. For me you are a living testimonial that men are very tender and sensible – wunderbar . . .
What a beautiful story Tony, and on how relationships can become so much deeper when there is honesty and responsibility in them. Inspiring.
Very true Zofia… I am realising that honesty and taking responsibility for our choices is essential in building a relationship, first with ourselves and then with others. I’ve also found that this approach supports all areas of life – relationships, work, health, family, etc…. definitely inspiring….
It’s amazing how much relationships change as a result of the different choices we make and how much understanding we bring to our life and ourselves. It’s incredible to read about actually, because it could have gone a completely different direction, yet it didn’t. The support you’ve gained from Michael seems incredible Tony and I liked hearing how your working with yourself now- rather then working against and trying to do things that don’t work for you, ie not pushing your body to the limits.
It’s so inspiring to read how you have turned your life around, Tony, through bringing honesty and acknowledgment to your past choices and now choosing to make different choices. Beautiful to know that your Dad is now enjoying being with all of you.
‘I understand life a lot more these days and I have realised I have sought recognition and approval for most of my life.’ Yes, I can relate to this Tony. And living in this way was very exhausting and not supportive of myself in any way. I can also related to how inspiring Michael Benhayon is as a practitioner and in the way he lives. Through sessions with Michael my life has changed and I have developed (and am still developing) a more loving and honoring way to live, based on my connection to my essence and what is needed to support this connection, and me being me.
This is so lovely to read Tony, it’s great that you were able to re-develop your relationship with your dad again after so long, simply by making changes in your own life. Thank you for sharing.
What a gorgeous blog this is Tony, so beautiful to feel the joy and true relationship you are now building with your dad… this is a story for all of us, parents and ‘kids’ alike. The love that pours from every word is palpable.
This for me Tony is a really beautiful, simple sharing that shows you have to want to make the changes in your life for it to really improve.
Very beautiful Tony, I so recognized myself in always helping my dad to get his approval and attention, but now I have such a beautiful relationship together it is not only that we still are having same interest but also sharing how we are, and support each other in our daily lives to be all of the beautiful men we are.
I can very much relate to your story Tony but what I love the most is how you just talk from you. It inspires me very much and gives me permission to do the same. Thank you
Beautiful Tony. Even when people get a bit annoyed when we choose not to do things, I feel that deep down they are not really annoyed. It’s a reflection of their own choices and it is far better than having someone do something for you when you know they don’t want to.
Thank you for sharing this lovely story of re-imprinting your relationship with yourself and your father. It is truly inspirational. As you have been inspired by Michael Benhayon to make changes in your life, you now offer your reflection as inspiration to others. There is nothing more powerful or inspiring than to see the way one truly lives lovingly day in day out.
That is such a true relationship between men. It’s sad to see the tenderness never nurtured in some modern relationships between men. Thank you for your inspiration Tony (:
Tony, I love the feeling I get of two men playing and enjoying each other’s company with real appreciation that you describe with you and your Dad. It’s amazing when we let go blame and really start to get honest with ourselves suddenly that person we think we have problems with, we realise that it’s not true at all, and we have this space to somehow relate in a new and more open way, just like you and your Dad.
I love watching your father and yourself together there is a real feeling of equality and appreciation of each other. Two tender gorgeous men.
The wanting to please phase and then the rebellious phase are very common in many young boys lives. However, the phase described here of reuniting of father and son and becoming true friends, is a great story and not so common. It seems important to me that the first step of this was working through issues personally before that friendship could move forward. Getting out of the blame and bitterness seems such an important step and it is a testament to the love and support I have also felt for many Universal Medicine practitioners that this could occur.
A joy to read Tony, thank you.
I have learnt over the years that what is good and true for me is beneficial for every relationship I have. If I don’t take care of myself, I get resentments and start to blame others.
Great that you have made this shift so you both can benefit from that!
I can feel the love and beauty in that relationship you have always had with your dad, Tony. Just gorgeous.
How beautiful Tony – I could just imagine the little boy, looking up to his dad and doing everything he could to please him, and then starting to realise that his own life was worth paying attention to. Even though you chose to rebel, you have taken responsibility for the way the whole thing played out, and now you are enjoying full-circle with your dad – this time bringing all of you and just being yourself. It’s always a pleasure to read your simple and truthful recounting of how you got to where you are now. And where you are now is a stunning place Tony.
Thank you Tony and Jo, so true, ‘you are now in a stunning place Tony’. The choices that have returned the students of the Livingness to live in such a way as to be open to humanity, which in your case is including your father, are amazing.
I too had a fairly strained relationship with my Dad for a long time, we lived on a farm and Dad worked hard in his own business as a well respected Builder. Dad expected a lot from my Sisters and Brothers and I we had hundreds of chooks to feed, collect eggs and pack them for the Egg board every day after school. It wasn’t until my Mother passed away that I became close to Dad and saw him as the man he truly was and saw his sensitive and caring side more which allowed me to share how much I loved and appreciated him in his last years. A real Blessing. Thank you for your lovely blog Tony.
Thank you Leigh, what you wrote really resonated with me.
Tony, your blog had me reflecting on my relationship with my dad. When I was 11 months, he was shot down over France in the Second World War and was missing presumed dead for 6 months. He returned from prison camp at the end of the war, but somewhere in my young mind I felt that his disappearance was in some way my fault. Hence I spent my childhood trying to please him so that he would not disappear again. Like you, I sought his recognition and approval and lost myself in the process. Dad was proudest of me when I achieved – dux of class, the sports cup, winning competitions etc, so I developed a momentum of striving to achieve which continued long after I left home. Like you, it was not until I started to attend Universal Medicine presentations by Serge Benhayon and to feel ‘terrific most of the time’ that I no longer needed approval or recognition from others. As you describe, with the support of Universal Medicine we have changed our lives and now take responsibility for making choices that support us in all areas of our lives – including in our relationships with family.
That’s great Tony that you don’t blame your dad anymore. I have seen so many relationships fall apart or become awful because people are blaming each other for their own issues… instead of taking responsibility and admitting that “I have a choice as to how I react.”
This is such a lovely and tender blog Tony. I can really feel the tenderness here – ‘I have been blessed to have the opportunity to work side by side with Dad’. Although not physically side by side with my dad, I can feel there is equality between us now, an understanding, acceptance and deepening love that is truly something to celebrate, especially today – being his birthday. ☺ here’s to our dad’s and the love presented by Universal Medicine which has supported us to meet them for the loving, caring men they are. Together we walk side by side…
This is so beautiful Tony reading how your relationship changed with your father once you allowed yourself to be honest and feel everything that was there. Realising I couldn’t blame my parents or family for where I was at or the choices I made, was a huge healing for me and helped me to take responsibility for myself and start seeing others for who they truly are… which has been lovely.
How we relate to our Dads carry a lot of weight. It is wonderful to be able to enjoy yourselves while being together.
Every word you said about Michel Benhayon I subscribe. He is a true blessing!
Great blog on the dynamics between father and son, and the positve way in which you have dealt with the relationship with your father. Thanks Tony
Thank you Tony – it is beautiful and inspiring to feel you coming back to you and really appreciating the choices you have made for yourself. Just as Michael Benhayon is an inspiration and true friend for you, you are that too for your Dad, for me and I’m sure many people. I’m sure you are that especially for men that work in such a hard job such as building where they often put themselves last.
It’s lovely to read how you came to the realisation that you were blaming your dad for the choices you had made. It’s great that you have been able to re-establish the relationship with your dad. He now has the opportunity to see that a man can work on a building site in a loving, caring way that is honouring of themselves. So wonderful for both of you.
I loved reading this little gem of a blog, which says so much. I enjoyed the part when you realised that you were blaming your dad for you wanting to please and get recognition in the need to feel better about yourself – that hit a chord with me.
Thank you for sharing your evolving relationship with your dad which I can really relate to. I feel privileged to care for someone who is close to me and this has been so healing for us both and we have had a lot of laughs as well which is so precious.
Absolutely Rebecca been there, done that!