by Jean Grima, Children’s Day Care worker, 43, Sydney, Australia
When I was a little girl my joy and happiness were immense; as a child I felt a lot. I always felt different to people around me, I was always curious and felt things deeply. Sometimes I felt more of what was going on around me in life than what others seemed to be showing they were seeing and feeling, which confirmed my feeling of being different. People fascinated me, and at this young age I was able to see truth and what wasn’t truth really easily, but as I got older, because I felt stupid and jealous of others’ academic abilities, my true core feelings got clouded with a feeling of failure and lack of self worth.
I put people on pedestals and looked up to what they did; friends, relatives, relationships, parents, priests, neighbours and everyone, really. I soon found alcohol, smoking, and sex at 16 years old. I remember the initial pull of using these things to cope with life.
On the outside I seemed carefree and as though I had it all worked out. People would make comments to me such as “you always land on your feet”, but inside I was crying very loudly, if not screaming with pain. My head was full of thoughts and at times my thoughts scared me. I felt controlled by my thoughts and had no understanding of how to deal with these feelings: I felt this was me and that there was nothing I could do to lighten this feeling. I found reality hard and complicated, I wanted to fit in so much, and so to fit in I chose to make myself ‘small and normal’ so that I didn’t stand out. Doing this made people feel comfortable around me so I felt like I was finally fitting in more.
At this point I was just rolling with the highs and lows because I was constantly and conveniently covering the pain with the vices I was using such as drinking, smoking and mucking around with boys.
Three years ago I chose to have some healing sessions with a friend of mine who had begun to study Esoteric Healing with Universal Medicine. I couldn’t pronounce, let alone spell ‘esoteric’. I trusted her and I felt comfortable; from there I met other esoteric practitioners and other people attending workshops and presentations over the years. I now know and understand ‘esoteric’ to simply mean ‘inner-most’.
Life on a day-to-day basis was becoming less difficult and there was more clarity of thought. Previously in the mornings, for as long as I can remember, when I woke up my thoughts would flood my head and depress me; these thoughts would continue throughout the day and intensified during my monthly period. I now breathe gently from the tip of my nose and follow my breath up into my head and bring myself back to me rather than letting myself get lost in my thoughts like I used to. This has helped me enormously over time.
There was a lot of ‘yuk’ that I would feel which were things coming up for me to look at and at times this still happens, but my fear and anxiety about life began to subside. I started to simply love myself and began to be open to adoring the woman I am… I was learning how to be gentle with myself. This is the most empowering feeling in the whole world – the peace and stillness from the Gentle Breath Meditation is amazing to experience.
What I have found great about Esoteric Healing sessions is that it is my responsibility to heal myself through my own choices, with the esoteric practitioners there to support me, which is a blessing.
So today I continue along my journey of love and joy, coming back to the wonderful person I am and have been all along, but simply didn’t recognise due to the complication, confusion, and doubt that I used to live in.
My family are also benefitting from my life choices as day by day they are now getting to feel more of me around the house rather than more of the moods I used to be in.
My love and thanks goes to the people I have met along this journey, with all their unpressured, tender love that each of us deserve to experience.
Today, what people think and judge doesn’t matter to me as it did before: the strength in my heart and soul is so powerful. This is a healthy place to be; I know this because of the difference I now feel to how I felt before – I wouldn’t swap it. Those that love me dearly and have known me a long time, including my Dad, see the positive changes in me and often comment on how well I am doing.