San Victorino is an old commercial landmark in Bogotá, the city where I live in South América. Although it is a place where you can get anything you want very cheaply, I have always disliked it. It has gone through some transformations in the last couple of decades but it remains a place I would normally avoid going to. It feels rough, hectic, and unsafe. You see it all; the dodgy-ness, the survival, the rummaging, the bargaining, the hard work, the ability and resolution of the merchants, the desolation of the inhabitants of the streets, a few burglars, and pensioners wandering around amongst it all.
One morning, while at work, I was asked to go there on my own to buy some chemicals. I immediately, but silently, reacted. I didn´t want to go there and especially that day as I was wearing my fancy clothes and didn´t have my trainers that would allow me to run if something went wrong. My body hardened and my face changed its glow for a frown, yet I responded: “Yes! Sure, I can do that.”
Before heading off I still had some time around the office and, at some point, I started plunging into a feeling of misery and desolation. I pushed it down. How come I was feeling like that? I didn´t like the idea of going to San Victorino but it wasn’t so bad as to justify me dropping into that mood. It felt like an old deep condition that was being triggered, which I wanted to push down because I felt it would defeat me.
I chose to stop for a moment to release some of the tension that had already crept into my body and I made the choice to feel what was truly going on. I felt something quite familiar and well-known, as in something I had deeply identified myself with in the past. I recognised that I had, at times, convinced myself that these feelings of bitterness, flatness and the cruising defeat, were me.
I had at times been very serious, disconnected and negative about myself, my role in a situation, in a relationship, and my place in the world.
Even though these emotions were not as intense and they don´t turn up as much nowadays as they have in the past, I had to admit that they were still there and I was experiencing them very vividly on that morning. I didn’t really want to get in touch with these emotions as they were contradicting how lovely I’d been feeling lately in my awareness, my wisdom and my daily commitment to connect to a true purpose in life.
I was tempted to give in to its familiar density where I would start judging this lived love as an illusion or idealisation, far from my reality. In other words, these emotions and old patterns were about finding ways to sabotage and be hard on myself.
I then headed off to my destination, feeling defeated for having entered into that mood once again. While in the taxi I chose to let go of the tension in my body and I surrendered in acceptance to how I was feeling. Within a few minutes I felt gently detached from all the stuff I had been in, and it became clear that this misery was something that certainly was there for me to deal with, and not pretend it wasn´t there.
The moment I go into pretending I get into a state of contradiction where I start fighting a ghost without having acknowledged it first for what it is, and clumsily try to reclaim my joy.
I then felt how this misery was held in a weakened part of my being, which is like an open window for certain types of emotions to come in – a disempowerment. Some memories even came to me at this point and I recalled the moment when I created this window. It happened when I was a young girl and I chose misery and desolation because I was feeling deeply victimised for what was taking place at that time. Strangely I got to see how I chose this, which raised my next awareness: that it was a choice, but it is not actually who I am. It has looked like me before, because that is what identification and the comfort of familiarity have made me believe.
So here I was in this taxi feeling and accepting this was something that I still needed to deal with, but approaching it in a completely different way, which had no reaction or intention for solution – just a steady observation and deep understanding of a past choice that came from a past hurt.
I was about to reach my destination, so I organised myself: I put my hat in place, put some coins into my pockets, preparing in case someone would ask for money, I dropped my shoulders, opened my chest a bit and decided to walk as gently as I could. When I got out, and as San Victorino displayed all its dense magnificence in front of me, I nearly hardened again, but I was in a very different place within myself. A shift had taken place, the restless contradiction had gone and I was feeling lighter and very present.
No one seemed to be noticing my presence, as if I wasn’t there at all. I was able to slide freely and swiftly along the dirty streets, and it was interesting because it all seemed and felt quite familiar. It was like a physical representation of the emotional density I was in before. I was walking in acceptance of everything I saw: the ugliness, the struggle of the human being as well as a shared vulnerability and potential in all. I felt protected and at ease in my beautiful body. Tension or anything disturbing could have kicked in again at any moment, but this didn´t happen because I didn´t allow myself to drop again – I remained steady.
I walked a few blocks, purchased what I needed and was ready to go back. This time I caught the bus, and the more I allowed myself to be there, observant, very much in touch and at ease with myself and my body, the more I was able to confirm the connection to something deeper that was guiding me well.
It was great to experience both that level of detachment from my emotions, and the choice to go there: to the unwanted dark zones both within me and externally in the city. All the amazing teachings I’ve received from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine all of a sudden made deep sense; that we are truly able to choose to connect and live from the steady qualities within ourselves to deal with our stuff, instead of the contradictory approach of the mind or getting into the messy stickiness of emotions.
There is indeed a way to be without absorbing whatever is going on around us. I now have a very vivid reference that I can come back to whenever undealt-with stuff from my past presents itself in the form of emotions or events. I don´t need to fight them, nor do I need to feel bad for having chosen them.
All I have to do is check in with my body, feel the muscles of my face, surrender, come back to my breath, stay open and observe things for what they are. I then have a choice to adjust the type of quality I move and walk with. I certainly don´t always chose this path within, nor do these things all the time, but this experience was a great confirmation of how capable I really am whenever I need to revisit disheartening environments outside and/or inside of myself.
I appreciate how far I’ve come in my experience of feeling and allowing for something greater within me to show me the way back to true awareness and wisdom.
Realising that my emptiness is not all that is there for me to work with in this life, I know now that there has always been a powerful, inner-most way of being inside us that can guide us all past our deep hurts and back to Love. This feels like the greatest treasure I have ever been given.
By Luz Helena Hincapié, Bogotá, Colombia