It struck me the other day to ponder on the difference between ‘being loved’ or ‘to be love’. The more I explored this the more I noticed how prevalent the concept is that before I can love myself, I need to see that someone else loves me.
- My parents need to love me or I am not worthwhile.
- I need to find a partner to love me or I am not complete.
- I want to have children that unconditionally love me.
- I need to be part of a certain group so I can feel loved and accepted etc.
All of this is essentially saying I have a need to ‘be loved’ before I am willing to ‘be love’.
There are many outfits that say ‘being love’ is the key to life. Serge Benhayon is one such proponent of this message. However, there is something different about how he applies this concept.
From the earlier stages of my introduction to the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, the message was/is that to ‘be love’ you need to first ‘self love’. This concept seems so simple; of course, if you want the jug to be full, you had to learn how to fill it yourself, and then there is enough to share.
Even though this message was/is very simple, it was amazing how complicated I made it, and more recently I am realising how often I put a condition on my own self-love. For example, I will only look after myself (be loving to myself) if I can see the benefit, if people will still accept me or if someone around me ‘goes first’; i.e. “they need to be love FIRST, before I will be love”.
In truth, that last one, “they need to be love first” is a big one. In essence I was holding myself to ransom based on the behaviours of someone else. I noticed this week, that after close to 10 years studying the teachings of Universal Medicine and the principles of The Way of the Livingness and reaping benefits in my life that I did not think possible, I still had a condition that “they need to be love first”.
I noticed that there were still elements of me relying on the unconditional love being shown to me by Serge Benhayon and the other practitioners and students of The Way of the Livingness to make it okay to make the changes I had already felt I needed to make. In essence, there was still the pattern of ‘being loved to be love’.
So the question this week is; can I be love without being loved? Am I willing to love myself, even though others may not respond the way I think they should? Am I willing to accept myself and in turn others for wherever they are at? Am I willing to see the love that is present in everyone and connect to that regardless of how they behave (lovingly or otherwise)?
It’s a big question and one I am sure there will be more layers to… I’ll keep you posted…
By Joel L, Western Australia
624 thoughts on “Being Loved to Be Love”
‘All of this is essentially saying I have a need to ‘be loved’ before I am willing to ‘be love’.’ This falsity is something we have all fallen for. I know I did myself. I felt valueless without it being confirmed back to me and with all the kids I have taught in my career I have clocked the huge resentment those have when they don’t feel met or feel loved by their parents. The immediate response is to react and shut down or give up. Shifting this consciousness will take some work, but like you Joel, understanding that I don’t need another to confirm the love inside that is already there and complete, that I just have to connect to it and express it has shifted mountains!
“I have a need to ‘be loved’ before I am willing to ‘be love’.” I so used to be like this. It didnt get me anywhere. Being willing to ‘be love’ is making a huge difference in my life.
I work with so many kids who are given up and disheartened because they don’t get the love and care they expect from their parents. Whilst I can understand this, at no time do we support kids to understand that if their parents can’t express in this way then maybe the kids have a responsibility to reflect that back to the parents given how much they understand what they are missing.
Joel, thank you for your blog. I have read it before, however today the greater understanding of what it is to Be Love is taking on a different dimension. I am back to saying to myself, all you have to be is love with yourself and all else will follow. The trick is to be my loving with self in my every day life.
“I need to be part of a certain group so I can feel loved and accepted etc.” This is a common belief and part of how I see myself compromise my truth and override my feelings to be accepted. It’s a strong pull to be accepted and included, and being ostracised, bullied or rejected can create hurts that cause us to want to be part of groups. It’s very understandable but there is so much more for us to receive by being the love we are and then taking that to others.
I used to think that being love meant transformation, that I was not love therefore had to work very hard to be love and I had to wait for someone to say eventually one day, ‘Yes, now, you are love.’ Now I know that it is simply a surrender to what I have always been.
Beautiful Fumiyo. Surrendering to who we truly are inside – that”s it – we are love.
Surrendering to who we innately are, to the love we are, keeps it simple, and makes sense.
God loves us all unconditionally and inspires us to love ourselves and each other equally and unconditionally.
How can you be love and judge people? – It’s impossible, yet have you ever walked into a presentation by a self-help presenter and felt like you were less because they know more? If the presenter holds themselves in that light, how can they help you to be more loving in your life if all you feel is their denigration?
I wonder if there comes a time when the conditions we place on being love are seen as excuses to not be responsible and bring the full power of our essence to the world?
Joel, this is a great analogy and makes sense as to why we cannot love another if we do not love ourselves; ‘if you want the jug to be full, you had to learn how to fill it yourself, and then there is enough to share.’
‘can I be love without being loved? Am I willing to love myself, even though others may not respond the way I think they should? Am I willing to accept myself and in turn others for wherever they are at? Am I willing to see the love that is present in everyone and connect to that regardless of how they behave (lovingly or otherwise)?’ I know this is a huge chunk to copy and paste out of this. This and the examples of where I have sought love from – the having children to be loved was once huge. But it’s so apt.
Can I love and accept myself regardless of whether other’s do? I’m coming to a point of actually feeling this as a possibility. I feel it’s a process – the being loved unconditionally I have experienced. It’s a tricky one to accept because I’m so used to putting conditions on myself. What if I lifted those conditions? How much lighter my life would be.
“Am I willing to see the love that is present in everyone and connect to that regardless of how they behave (lovingly or otherwise)?” This is something I am learning at the moment, to relate to people by their essence and understand that the behaviours that are not love are resulting from hurts. The problem is the investments and pictures of how I want or expect people to be, instead of understanding where everyone is at.
Bringing in understanding helps with letting go of how we expect people to behave.
It helps to remember that behaviours that are not love are coming from hurts, and so not to take things personally, ‘Am I willing to see the love that is present in everyone and connect to that regardless of how they behave (lovingly or otherwise)?’
This is such a beautiful question – “can I be love without being loved?” – and one worth taking the time to ponder on. In the past, before I came to the presentations of Serge Benhayon, I probably would have said no, but 14 years on, and a whole lot wiser, my answer is – absolutely, yes. In fact, I know that it is from loving myself unconditionally that the love I have for others naturally flows, and it doesn’t stop at those around me but continues to flow on out to the world. Now this is something that once upon a time I wouldn’t have even considered possible, but now I know it is and that makes me smile, all over.
Our ability to love another is founded on us first loving ourselves and we all flourish from that expansion. But when we come at love from the other direction with the need and expectation for another to love us first we completely disempower ourselves.
Absolutely, start with a strong foundation of loving ourselves first.
‘Am I willing to love myself’ – that is a great question to ask ourselves.
Recently I got a new job and I realised how much effort I’ve always put in to be part of a group, this time it wasn’t there as much. My connection with myself is first and when I do place myself second my body is loud and clear in telling me this is not the way to go.
If we all believed this, someone would have to be love first or no one would be love, when we go down the path of ‘you show me your love first’ it is the start of an arrangement. Yet when we are just love with no conditions we are already complete.
Loving, with no conditions, is truly loving.
This absolutely makes sense; ‘the message was/is that to ‘be love’ you need to first ‘self love’.’ I have found that by taking care of myself and being self-loving that I am more able to love and trust myself and as a result of this to naturally love others. This is a very simple but profound message and one that I have found to be true.
I find it can be challenging or seemingly challenging to always love yourself even when others around you don’t do the same or don’t love or like you. Yet is one of the most beautiful things to do.
It is beautiful to love ourselves, and even more so if that love is not coming from around us.
Great to ponder, and/or live this Joel, ‘Can I be love without being loved?’
An amazing sharing on love and the need we have to be loved to show love, only when we are loved first. Wow what a manipulation we have managed to come to, when the fact is that we are all love innately, and when in love with ourselves we are in love with everyone. A great pondering on the reality of it all.
Once we’re born we love with no conditions as we come full of it, very open, and very trustful…but we get hurt by not receiving the same love back from outside. Healing these hurts is key to start the way back to us, to be again the amazing beings we really are.
When we are born, we are all beautiful little bodies pulsating with love and joy, and without conditions we radiate this out to those around us. So I wonder what happens in our early years to change all that, with us ending up making our love conditional – ‘I will love you, if you love me first’. But I can feel the way of loving as a baby is still within us, simply covered over with life’s hurts and experiences, and if this is so, we can make the choice to return to this way any time we choose.
Thanks Joel for sharing such a relatable experience. These days I’m noticing that being love means just being me, and this doesn’t always have to be accepted by others. For so long I too waited for being loved, I’ve tried hard to fit in and it didn’t matter if I was feeling not okay inside. Your words inspire me to hold and love myself no matter what. I’m learning to be steady in the tension that is felt when some of my choices are not really understood, or when I notice that someone is making gossip behind my back…but for the very first time in my life I’m in a process to not wait anymore to be who I really am, and with that I can really love others, accepting and embracing everyone. After all, regardless of the apparent differences on the outside we are all the same inside.
Inma reading your comment was a reminder that the only person I can rely on to give me love is myself, everyone else is making their way back to their own love in their own way and time, and they need space to do that.
Its funny how we have tended to ‘put the cart in front of the horse’ so to speak… that is putting the doing, the expectations, the wants, the pictures, another’s love before ourselves. If we self-love first, this buoyed feeling is consistent and one is not at the mercy of responses from others. Any response is then a confirmation of the love we feel & know of ourselves.
Some great questions at the end of your post Joel. “Am I willing to see the love that is present in everyone and connect to that regardless of how they behave (lovingly or otherwise)?” I shall carry this with me today. Thankyou.
“All of this is essentially saying I have a need to ‘be loved’ before I am willing to ‘be love’. So many of us have had this belief system. ‘i’ll go there if you show mw you love me first…’ So no-one goes there and separation continues. Serge Benhayon however has shown us a new way. He knows and loves himself deeply so has no issue around others loving and accepting him. He just continues to love everyone he comes into contact with – what a beautiful reflection and role model for us all.
Am I willing? We have a choice, always, and we choose what we prioritise: connecting to and fuelling ourselves with our own love from the inside, or always seeking it from without – somewhere or something else. The former takes a willingness – our own choice to surrender and to let go and just fully accept ourselves, as we are right now, committed to being in life but with no need to improve or make better any part of it. There is great healing when we say yes in full to whatever is in front of us and fully accept it, and our part in it.
Something that I’ve been bringing more awareness to within myself is if there are conditions that I put on love, as in is there a point or moment where I essentially ditch being love and choose to react emotionally to something instead… And observing this without any judgement but from a place of readiness to learn can bring a deeper insight on our expression and being more loving…
The precision and order of the universe is exquisite as I find myself clicking on this blog this morning, this is so relevant to how I am with myself and others and I am aware that a shift is required to go deeper into a surrender where I am Love, because I am Love not because anyone has made it safe, accepted me, or told me I am. Thank you Deeply.
Profound questioning, what a well and true question we all can deepen with. Are we still waiting to be loved ? Can we actually start with ourselves first ? The answer is Yes.
If only we would be love, we would realise that we are Love, and have no need for anyone to offer anything to make us feel resolved and complete.
Before my father died I started to deeply realise that I was to bring him love instead of what I did, which was looking for love and expecting it from people…like my father.
Just before he died he asked me “how did you get there?” He felt my Connection to the love in myself.
I said: Like I told you About Serge Benhayon daddy. He is supporting us back to love.
Ha so your saying it is essential to fall in love with ourselves Elizabeth, what wonderful medicine!
Can so relate to this Joel. Especially holding myself to ransom of wanting others to be love first.
Joel these are great questions at the end of your blog that touch on pretty much every part of human life. In the times when I have been able to be love I have felt so completely myself, undeniably me, and when I’m not able to be that love it’s a shadow of who I am, I am pretty much missing. The conditions we come up with to manage our hurts around love are understandable, yet at the same time they make no sense because we are missing out on being the fullness of our essence – love. The love we are is what we really miss the most. It’s such a mixed up world how we have made love into emotional attachment and also something that comes from another (the illusive One) when every fibre of our being is actually love. Then we can fritter our whole lives away focusing on the hurts, when the untouched power of love lives inside us untapped. It’s a huge topic to explore.
Absolutely huge! Whole industries are invested in keeping us trapped into thinking everything is about attachment, and this makes so much sense from an observational point of view but it completely misses the point that we are energetic beings full of divine particles.
Are we simply a being of love, a being who has in many instances become distracted from feeling, emanating, and living that love?