I read a blog recently about some of the beliefs we are raised with around God and the link between depression and feeling worthless, and it made me consider my own experience growing up.
For me, the God I grew up with was either mean and punishing or worse, powerless and non-existent. Both my parents were brought up by practising Catholics and also Lutherans, and in my family there was either no God, or for some family members if there was, he was to blame for all the woes they believed that beset them.
I looked out as a teenager at the suffering and emptiness around me and thought, maybe they were right. Or, if they weren’t, I didn’t feel I had access to God or love.
After reading this particular blog I am now pondering upon a definite correlation between depression and one’s relationship with God that I had never considered before. It’s so obvious though! When I was 11 or 12, I was depressed: I remember being at school and thinking none of life makes sense, what is the point or purpose of it all? We’re learning all this stuff but what for? A good job… so what?
I tried talking to my family and one said she felt exactly the same and just wrote it off as the winter blues. I knew then that my primary caretakers – the ones I had thought knew all the answers – had no answers. To avoid the deep despair that I felt, I turned deeper into a life-long affair with food, accumulating other outside distractions as I grew up.
All the time I was looking for real religion and looking for God despite saying I didn’t believe there was a God.
My attempts at avoiding what I felt to be the devastating possibility that the world was only what I could see and that there was no God or love, took me further from feeling love and God. As a result I abused my body for a long time.
The presentations of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon supported me to question my belief that God was a separate entity outside of myself. The way Serge spoke of God, to me, and his obvious direct relationship with God, inspired me to open myself up to the possibility that I too could have a direct relationship with God. I began to feel the truth of what I had heard Serge Benhayon present many times: that when we are fully present in our bodies we are connected to ourselves and to God.
I felt the joy of this for myself. I could feel I was a part of God and I realised that to stay connected to God is to stay connected with my body. As a result I am now beginning to feel that God is in fact within us all – all of the time – and that we are all equal. I never stopped to feel this in the past, or if I did I ignored it.
I am beginning to appreciate the truth of what it means to know and trust my true, innermost feelings and that these do not lie to me – it is only my thoughts and emotions that can lie.
What I am also appreciating is the fact that the only way to know God is to claim who I am (and who we all naturally are) to be one with Him.
This means that any doubt that I am a Son of God or thinking I am not worthy, hampers if not prevents my connection to God. I am realising that many religions are based on God being not part of us and so, in effect, they prevent people from knowing God. For me, I am now learning the meaning of true and real religion and in this, that God is not separate from me, and in this, that there is always a connection, and it is only I who separate from this connection when I am not claiming who I truly am.
By Karin Barea, Age 42, Cleaner, Somerset, UK
This blog originated as a comment inspired by the blog:
Depression, Worthlessness & the Truth about God