Angry? Who Me? NO WAY! Or that is what I thought. I would run a mile from anger, even from myself. I went into pandering as a way of life to keep myself safe by attending to other people’s needs, keeping myself hidden and hoping thereby to keep everything peaceful.
Anger was not something I permitted in myself. There was supposedly a righteous anger where you were justified in being angry because you were upholding the good and the right. I did not get into that, because anger in any form did not fit my picture of how a Christian life should be.
When one of my sons would ask me, “Are you angry, Mum?” I would reply, “No, I am just a little annoyed.” I would have sworn on the Bible that I was not angry. I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.
When I look back into my early life with honesty, I remember situations where I was frustrated and angry. Strangely enough, and conveniently, I totally forgot and buried those experiences. So this denial was the way I lived a large part of my life. All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.
One day about four years ago, Universal Medicine came into my life. At one of the workshops that I attended I came to understand, that apart from the physical aspects of gall bladder and liver disease, there were also energetic causes. These were explained to be frustration, bitterness, resentment, rage and anger.
This seemed strange, but interesting to me at the time, because I thought, “I don’t feel any of those emotions at all.” Here I was, a woman in her seventies who had had her gall bladder removed some 45 years ago and I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.
This was a puzzle to me at the time. How could these emotions be there and I not feel them? Over time, as I accepted that there must be some truth in what was said, I chose to open up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, they were lurking somewhere deep inside.
Over the course of the next four years, through many healing sessions and workshops and opening up to being much more loving with myself, I got to feel some of these deeply buried emotions as they surfaced, finally admitting that I did feel anger.
All that aside, this morning was to bring up a deeper experience for me. I was reading a blog about commitment, a word I was uncomfortable with, feeling that this was somehow lacking in my life. I had thought I was very committed in my Christian life but commitment in my life now seemed to be so hard. It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.
As I was reading the words about commitment, I felt tears of sadness welling inside of me. I started to write down what I was feeling, and as I was writing I suddenly noticed the way I was writing had changed. I could feel a strange energy coming down my arm and into my writing hand, making my writing scrawled. As the energy of rage and anger was being felt I had the urge to push the pen and the full stop right through the page.
I felt angry – very, very angry – and it was directed at God: all those feelings that I never knew were there came rushing to the surface.
At this moment I could feel my jaws clenched so tight that my teeth were hurting. What I now felt was a deep hatred and anger at myself for deserting me, for making myself feel worthless by taking on beliefs that were not true and that denied the preciousness of who, as I have now come to know, I truly am.
In the past I had heard people rail against God, saying how God had deserted them. Back then, in my self-righteous way I would think, “I don’t feel like that about God.” But here I was doing the same railing against Him for supposedly letting me down. All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing. I had been sold a lie.
As I observed what my body was experiencing, I could feel the energy of past beliefs being cleared from my body. This left me with a sense of freedom, allowing more of the true me to be felt.
Feeling into with more understanding of the energy of the so called ‘good,’ I can now feel its disgusting nature, this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak, with the biggest one being, “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.
How dreadfully evil is that!
I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. But this time around I have been truly blessed and deeply appreciate the opportunity to now come to know the truth of the Ageless Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon, to be re-awakened once more. I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…
For this I am worthy.
By Jill Steiner, Tweed Heads South, NS, Australia
Further Reading:
Religion is a living connection
Being The Son of God
God’s Waiting Room
The Truth about Universal Medicine 
“It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.” I know about being good and nice – it was so good to have that called out and to recognise it for what it was, for me as a people-pleaser. Just being ourselves – what a beautiful natural way to live. We may even do similar things, but the energy we do them in is very different.
Gosh it just shows how numb and of course the illusion we can be in that we can think we are not angry or have no feeling of frustration, anger, bitterness, rage etc., when actually we have all of them but have just buried them so deep within our body! Your honesty and willingness to go there is truly inspiring.
Jill, how amazing we are when we deepen our understanding of God and our True-relationship with the grand-ness we all are.
‘ I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.’ When we start unpicking it, it can be quite a shock to realise how much resentment, anger, bitterness and rage we may be holding on to. I was completely ignorant of how deeply these emotions ran in my body until I started to address them, but once I got into the swing of it, over time it was surprisingly easy to let it all go!
And then the supervening Joy and Harmony we can live in is simply a normal way of existing!
Its been interesting to observe how my headaches have reduced since dealing with the frustration and resentment I used to carry.
Reading your blog again today I could see so clearly how rules and being real just don’t go together. I know for me as soon as I have a rule, an ideal, or belief about how I’m supposed to be this cuts the realness that is there for me to connect to within myself and express and take care of. As a society we seem to dismiss how beautiful and complete we are when we are born, as a result we can pour into children and adults how we are supposed to be which can suppress the true person.
Awesome what you have shared here Melinda in the importance of keeping it real and of course allowing ourselves to feel what is really going on in the body.
Yes and observing how children change as the grow – from gorgeous unselfconscious natural beings to being imposed upon by those adults around them – who were similarly imposed upon when they were young.
‘I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.’ It’s quite incredible what we choose to bury and the insistence that we don’t have a problem… yet, the raging current is turbulent under the calm surface.
I can so relate to this. We do perhaps think we are getting away with it, however sooner or later an outburst or a reaction to something tells us otherwise and whilst we can wonder where on earth it came from the answer has been beautifully shared here. We have simply decided to ignore and push under the rug the feelings we don’t like to feel or do not know what to do with, preferring to keep the surface picture intact – that we have everything under control regardless of that turbulence. At some point however the picture has to crack and we are left to deal with what should have been dealt with a long time prior – honouring our feelings and sensitivity.
Thanks for your honesty Jill, it’s a great topic on getting to the deep honesty of how we are feeling and to then be accepting of ourselves, as the honesty allows us to feel where we are truly at, which opens the door for the potential to heal and begin to choose to be love instead. This line exposes the damage of beliefs and ideals, and how when we align to them, we can become someone other than ourselves “It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.” There is such a simplicity to life by just being our real selves. Thank you Jill.
Absolutely, Melinda that hidden Joy that has always been waiting to be lived from our Inner-most Heart or Soul (one and the same!).
It is incredible how arrogant our minds can be – in total denial of any effect on our bodies … and yet the body never lies – the result of all our choices are all there to be felt in our bodies whenever we choose to feel them.
When we bury our unresolved emotions it does not mean they are not still there influencing our behaviours and day to day life.
Very true Suse … unresolved emotions remain in our bodies creating a daily tension we carry with us everywhere we go until we are prepared to truly heal them.
This blog is a great example of how we can store our emotions in the body and then carry on as if that emotion is nothing to do with us but the benefits of getting those emotions out of the body are priceless.
It feels many of what you have shared feels as though you have written about me too. The anger I buried and felt towards people was really unreal. I was angry at everyone but at the end of the day I was angry at myself. And it took a few years to let go of this and this wouldn’t have occurred if I hadn’t met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, all other modalities I immersed into just buried my anger further into my body.
It now hurts my body to be angry. And if anything I am offered the opportunity to reflect more and more and observe the part I play in it – what a change and appreciation, to Serge Universal Medicine and the Esoteric Modalities.
I guess we are usually angry with ourselves first? Then we take it out on those closest to us – and blame them. Uncovering the emotions we have buried – I thought I’d done this in over twenty years of spiritual courses, books etc, Nah. Only when I came to Universal Medicine courses and practitioners did I truly uncover them and heal.
It feels like any relationship difficulty can be traced back to our relationship with God. We would not have had any need for belief if we had stayed with Truth. All the reactions feel to be secondary. Thank you, Jill, for pointing at where I need to look into.
What a powerful and honest account of adopting a way of being because of a belief that you are not worthy. Being overly responsible for others is also a way of being to try and cover up a lack of self worth.
True Jill the Way of the Livingness is not about ‘being good and doing good’ yet when i started to come to Universal Medicine the first thing i did when it came to taking it back into my life was being a good esoteric student and making rules where there were no rules. I first had to build more love in my body to be more of me, loving and delicate me.
True – it was only when I stopped being a ‘good’ esoteric student that I started to really evolve and initiate….
Yes we are worthy, it is not God that tells us we are not worthy, it is a religion that wants us to consider ourselves less than we are. I would now choose not to subscribe to that version of religion now. It took me to realise that I would not want that for my children, therefore I cannot want that for myself.
We all carry something, be it Anger, Frustration, Arrogance, Stubbornness, Pride etc., the list is long. What Universal Medicine offers is a way to pick apart why we have these conditions, and to heal them so that we can enjoy life and not be consumed by the effects these types of energies have on our bodies.
How often do we deny our anger? For whatever reason we do not want to admit that we harbour it or even feel it – we can never be free when we don’t allow ourselves to see the prison walls we have created around ourselves to keep us in the illusion that everything is ok. We might fool our mind but then there is our body – the cells of our body pick up the vibrations of our emotions and turn the poison into something else which manifests as illness or disease..It could be a mild bout of diarrhoea if we have not built up a lot of toxicity but over years more serious ailments like arthritis or Parkinson’s or cancer can develop.
That’s the deceptive thing about anger – we think it has to be overt and loud but just think of the word seethe and you will get a version of anger that is still anger.
True, Suse… that blast of anger doesn’t have to be an outward force but can be turned inwardly, quite intensely, and buried.
I’ve read this before but it never fails to fascinate how the body can store these emotions and then when we ask the right questions it can release the energy and clear itself. It makes you wonder why we choose to hold onto it all in the first place – what purpose does it serve?
We are all very good at suppressing emotions that we don’t want to feel. This strategy however doesn’t work because eventually we will have to deal with the undealt with emotion, as well as the affects that occur in the body from denying it in the first place.
In truth we are never angry at God but actually at ourselves. For it is nothing God has done that has led us to where ever we are at but purely our own choices and their subsequent consequences which we then often blame God for.
‘I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love.’ My body tells me the same Jill and I appreciate i am now on the path of return by making self loving choices with more understanding for myself and others. We know our body reflect to us what needs to be healed, for me last weeks I wake up with my jaws clinging together, something to look at where the anger is coming from and then letting go of this build up tension.
There is also the tension of the world we live in which does not talk about energy as a real thing and yet we are feeling what is going on around us in the micro and the macro all of the time. That denial is a great tension for the body because it is then less well equipped to deal with what is in front of it.
True Lucy, we can choose to not be aware of the effect of this tension that is constantly there and we feel it all of the time and our sensitive bodies needs to cope with it.
I am now observing that if I become angry for whatever reason, my body does not cope and I am often left feeling smashed afterwards. Its as if it is unnatural for my body to go into anger and that I am made of more than this, it no longer belongs in my space.
This word really resonates with me, angry. I spent much of my childhood and adult life being permanently angry and blamed everybody else about my ill choices. I basically did not want to take responsibility for my own actions.
Then I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine workshops and saw Esoteric Healing Practitioners and over the years the anger started to ooze and fly out of my body and it wasn’t all pretty either.
Now I don’t feel like I’m Miss Angry anymore and beginning to discover who I truely am, the gentleness within me is there more than ever.
Oh anger. I have anger from time to time. I once called it frustration and my three year-old called me out. Ouch! At least he was being more honest than me and pulled me up. Being honest with ourselves is a choice and it serves no one if we’re not being honest with ourselves or others.
Jill, it’s pretty inspiring that someone in her 70s is open to make changes in her life…and to address such a huge, once buried issue. It must have been tough at the time but I’m sure it equally felt amazing to address. Very inspiring.
‘So this denial was the way I lived a large part of my life. All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.’ Until I came across Universal Medicine I hadn’t considered the false ideal of ‘good’ because being good was my major investment too, along with being right. What I hadn’t appreciated that being ‘good’ comes nowhere in relation to being ‘true’. Being good is the most successful deviation away from truth because it’s so believable.
‘Being good is the most successful deviation away from truth because it’s so believable.’ Absolutely Rachel, you cannot fault anyone who is ‘being good’ althought underneath this ‘being good’ there is the martyr offering his life for his or her faith.
A beautiful and honest account Jill of dealing with our emotions that can be hidden and hold us back from who we truly are.
Brilliant blog Jill Steiner. Buried emotions quite literally condemned us to living life in separation from the glorious and divine essence we all are naturally and equally so within. These emotions cause serious problems with the circulatory system in the body (and in life) leaving us with hardness, deep tension, fear, anxiousness, low self worth, self doubt, judgment, self loathing, critique, jealousy, rage to name but a few.
The stage is then set as the precursor to illness and disease.
Denial of an emotion may be the first stage. The second stage may be justification which can kick in when we stop denying and acknowledge the existence of this unwanted emotion. Once justification makes no sense any more we can look for ways to resolve why we have that emotion.
What a great example of the fact that we can deny incessantly from our minds that we are not angry but our body has another story to tell; a story of honesty. And we can bury this anger as deeply as we can but eventually it is sure to burst out of us, often at the most inappropriate times and with great force. Nothing can be hidden forever.
I too have recently discovered an anger that I did not know I had, and it is super ugly. Trying not to judge and to condemn doesn’t work, it just seems to perpetuate the sickly feeling of letting this emotion go free reign in my body without my noticing it. So when I ask myself, ok, so then how do we clear this? I remember the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom as taught by Serge Benhayon, who has presented on the fact that we can change the way we move which changes the thoughts we have, which changes our everything. And so far, this has worked, as I constantly step in and out of this old and no-longer-needed cloak of angry protection, with each step bringing me closer and closer to freedom from anger’s heavy and burdensome way.
ha ha the title of your blog made me laugh because it is funny how caps can shout!
The most insidious type of anger is the one that is held in the body and not expressed, it is more harming to ourselves and to the people around us. We think we can cover up anger by holding it in but people can feel it, so it is better to be honest and say we are angry and then the issue can be openly discussed and not left to fester and poison the body.
What really hurts us is how we can hang onto things for so long, and like the author not even realise that we have these things buried in our bodies. We have this idea that things from a long time ago no longer affect us but that is just not the case. Time and time again in the Universal Medicine workshops a hurt can come up that has been hidden since being a toddler.
Our beliefs lead us to express falsities and to distort our awareness. By doing that, they help to build and perpetuate dis-ease.
What a huge clearing, along with the realisation that anger was being supressed in the body. It is interesting that the things we avoid and deny usually have a healing waiting to happen.
“I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God…” – reading your post Jill and this line here to sum it all up, all I can say is thank the heavens and God for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine in re-igniting you back towards your majesty.
Other people can feel that we are angry way before we decide to admit this to ourselves! A friend of mine helped me to feel my anger recently. She said she could feel it but I was numb and blind to it. When I stayed with my body and actually took the time to feel what was actually there I started to feel a huge rage in me. I allowed myself to admit it and feel it, and I processed this all night. Underneath the rage was a huge hurt about something that had happened and about how I had responded. Allowing myself to feel the hurt meant that I could effectively heal the anger and clear it out of my body. The anger is not me. As soon as I connected to me everything fell into perspective. I am now not walking around leaking bits of anger in my comments to others and in conversation. My loving way of communicating has returned. This is what we can do for each other.
Yes, when we are very nice, that niceness can hide a towering rage, even resentment and bitterness.
Ah there is so much here that I know I’m only just uncovering. I am discovering a very constant disturbing undercurrent narrative to my life that I’m unworthy. I’m starting to have a look at it without getting hooked into ‘I’m ba’ and seeing how it drives what I do and hampers my transparency and intimacy with others. I love it how we let our buried stuff come up, because then we can choose to let it go.
God has given us ‘all’ so much from our birth to death, to the amazing awareness that comes from being human, and then to live and feel from our bodies so that we can reconnect to our essence allowing what has opened up to us with the cycles we live in.
Could it be possible that we are aware from early in life that life is more than just being human and as a human we will evolve to a much deeper understanding about life, death and reincarnation.
Simple but there is a ‘responsibility’ to understand life as a Livingness within the cycles and how we are going to reincarnate into the blessing we have held this life as our lived Way. Thus! Could “evil” keeps us away from the truth about reincarnation so we ‘cannot’ simply be able to live all of who we truly really are?
“How dreadfully evil is that!”
And understanding the energy of evil can we learn to hate that energy? that is hate the energy that delivers “evil”?
Then we have the presentation of the Way of The Livingness that has shone a light on God, birth, death and reincarnation from day one and seeing it is part of the lineage of The Ageless Wisdom, in this current era than is it any wonder that the ‘media’ are continuing the age-old patterns of discrediting, condemning, censorship and reinterpretation so that yet again an “evil” energy is holding us from the truth. Maybe this is one of the forms of “evil” that spreads the lies that are trying to keep us from the truth about birth, death and reincarnation?
How disconnected and dishonest can we be, walking around fuming perhaps even wanting to kill somebody underneath all the polite and smiles. Of course our body is going to have to react in some way!
A great expose of the evil in good.
How insidious and destructive these hidden emotions disguised as niceness or being good are.Once we develop more awareness of these, then there truly is a choice and we can finally begin to root out the evil and re-claim the absolute truth of who we are.
“I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…”
Beneath the thin veneer of niceness lurks a seething rage that masks the utter devastation we feel when we have not honoured who we truly are.
So beautifully and honestly expressed Jill and I was delighted to read your final words saying that you “now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…”. So very inspiring to know that it is never too late to make big changes in this life.
What’s interesting is that when we get reflections from other people showing us what we need to look at in ourselves, we can still convince ourselves that we do not have the same emotional issue. This to me shows how strong we are at avoiding our hurts.
This is very true. Sometimes it is far easier to smash the mirror than look deeply at its steady reflection… This is obvious when we consider that what we react to most in others is simply that which we need to look at in ourselves.
I think allowing ourselves to observe emotions that we’re feeling rather than judge them as right or wrong gives us the space to get underneath what’s behind them to truly heal and let them go rather than push them down and not resolve why they were there…
I can so relate to this, Jill, a lifetime or lifetimes spent perfecting the art of being good and perfect. It’s a horrible way to be because it is so false – yet we can be so deeply into it that it can feel very real and like we just don’t feel anything deeper. It’s a great way to hide, but it serves no one as we crush ourselves and allow the mayhem and chaos of the world to continue when we just accept and allow whatever abusive situations around us to carry on.
Wow Jill, incredible – I too know that I have deep levels of anger inside of me. Sometimes I have felt it in the pain of my joints. I too can relate to the good way of life, doing good in order to get something out of life and the unworthiness that comes with this good way of life. What a revelation – the good way of life for me is a result of feeling unworthy, unworthy of love. Now this is something to sit with…
Absolutely massive realisation to come to Jill, seeing the true evil in ‘good’ is a forever unfolding for me. We have a society that is built in ‘good’, a complete cover up for many issues that lay beneath.
What I find fascinating is how Serge Benhayon presented that the body keeps an imprint of everything we do to it – and every emotion we have. That means we may be able to bury these feelings or hide them but eventually they will re-emerge and we will need to readdress them. As a wise man said – every moment means everything.
My version of this Jill would be (re leaving a marriage and then getting a property settlement): ‘Sympathetic? Who me?No way!’ But sure enough as I delved down beneath the layers of conscious thought, I found a strand of sympathy still operating towards the image of the ‘abandoned man’. As soon as I felt the grief of this and then the harmfulness of holding onto such an emotion, I was able to surrender and the property settlement miraculously settled!
It is so important for each and every one of us to reclaim the true light of who we are… Untrammelled by the structures and old mores of our society.
This is such a healthy blog. How many of us have glossed over the anger in order to look the part and do good. It’s so healthy to uncover this and allow it out. To admit we are angry is quite liberating, but also knowing that this is not the true us is also liberating. Underneath the anger is the love, but we can’t get to the love unless we allow ourselves to feel the anger.
” I had been sold a lie.”
This is so true Jill and you have not been the only one , but the great joy is that you have called it out for yourself and alot of people, thank you.
ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY! I mean why would I want to be. It makes no sense. GET OFF MY LAWN! Where was I? Ah yes, anger. Who needs it?
When we get caught up in the ‘doing good’ we lose who we are because we think we are making a difference when we are in fact only cementing something that is untrue, and when we start to see truth we realise how harmful ‘good’ is.
Thank you Jill, I too have been coming to understand the evil that is in “good”. Being “good” is a way of telling the world to back off and leave us alone because it puts out an energy that basically says; “I am so righteous why would you hurt me, question me etc. In this way it creates a separation within us and this in turn creates a barrier between us, other people and God.
I recently had a similar experience where I could feel how fury and anger run through my whole body and especially my arms, that just wanted to fight everyone who dared to come near. I tried to blame others and of course God for abandoning me, but ended up feeling how extremely painful it is to give my power away, to give up my worthiness and how angry and frustrated I was with myself.
I always notice how vulnerable I feel when I just expressed anger, as if the karma would be coming right back.
And allowing that vulnerable feeling is probably the key to coming back to you. There is always something to feel underneath (and after) our anger that feels quite fragile and or sad.
‘Feeling into with more understanding of the energy of the so called ‘good,’ I can now feel its disgusting nature, this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak, with the biggest one being, “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.’ You’ve exposed the evil ‘good’ truly is. We are all love how can we not be worthy of God’s love.
We seem to share a lot of attributes with ants. Sadly it is not the brotherhood and teamwork I mean but the capacity to cover things in sand. We have developed our ability to fill and overlay what we feel to the extent we think our issues aren’t even there. But like a child in a fire with his hands over his eyes it surely is not the way to live and survive. Thank you Jill for your sharing here.
Profound how you have come back to truth of who we are, Godly, and that indeed all those sayings about a sin or whatever are all lies.
Not giving yourself permission to be angry or even admit you are angry is like putting a stopper in a volcano. It has to come out one way or another. It’s usually in the body, which is designed to be in harmony and cannot handle the poison of anger.
Amazing to read about the pictures of what a christian life should look like, and how perhaps these images do not allow for emotions such as anger and sadness to be looked at and resolved at the deepest level. But that it is the picture that is doing this, and the person choosing to follow that picture who is creating a life based on an image is fascinating, because I am sure this is not an exclusive practise to religions… I can see many areas of life where this takes place, so maybe it is something to do with being human where pictures are sought for the recipe of life, and perhaps there is in this a lesson for us all to learn about discernment of images, because what life is being created based on the image, and if it is not abundant with love and true joy, then surely some big questions need to be asked…
Great blog Jill, exposing the evil in good. This is one evil that I’ve held onto for many lives, all under the illusion that if I am good I will be loved. It’s been many lives lived this way and now is taking many movements to walk and know that I am loved for being me.
What a beautiful revelation of the difference between being good and being the real you.
So much healing occurs when we go deeper in our honesty and truly expose what is going on.
It’s amazing just how much we can lie to ourselves, what would life be if we were truly willing to see everything?
Jill I love how you simply link the idea of being good with the church…. It is so obvious the origins of needing to be good lay there. I guess what I was find interesting is, many people feel they are totally unaffected by the evil of christianity yet have strived to be good at points in their life…. very revealing. Awesome post Jill, and it is inspiring you have seen through the evil.
I have heard this so often ‘angry, who me no way” and have denied being angry myself, when that was exactly how I was feeling but choosing not to go there. How on Earth are we to have consistently harmonious relationships if we hide how we feel, not only from others but ourselves? When we have enough love for ourselves and others this (deceitful) way of being gets thrown out the door and we are able to bring honesty back, honesty and absolute honesty on the pathway to truth and absolute truth
I never knew I was an angry woman but I held the anger against myself – so no visible outward signs of anger to others. It was only when I first started to truly love myself – and my old habit of nail-biting (magically it seemed) – started to recede – that I realised I had been so very angry internally whilst presenting a ‘nice and good’ appearance out to others. Dealing with the sadness that had lurked beneath this anger was hugely supportive – thanks to Universal Medicine practitioners.
It is sometimes difficult to discern that one is carrying a backlog of emotion around with them, whether it be anger of frustration or grief, and it is so great when another with clear discernment actually lets you know! Then it becomes more visible and known and one can begin to realise the pattern and its hold over the body. What a wonderful healing to be able to become aware of it and let it go.
ha ha I remember that when attending the first Sacred Esoteric Healing course where it was presented the emotions we hold in our organs as you mentioned the liver an gall bladder .. anger, frustration, bitterness and rage and thought gosh I don’t have any of those … oh how wrong was I!!!! Thankfully though a lot of this has cleared now.
We tend to use words to manipulate situations so we can hold on into images, ideals and beliefs of how does it have to be.
“It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.” There is such freedom when we let go of being ‘good’ and ‘nice’.
Allowing ourselves to feel things is all that is required to heal things but we all seem to spend so much energy fighting our feelings because they do not match the picture of what we thought our lives should be. The greatest way to train yourself back into just feeling, is releasing judgement, ideals and beliefs. When you are just open to things, the feelings often pass faster than when you suppress them.
We spend a lot of time and effort in burying our emotions, thinking if we are not aware of them they will not harm us. Unfortunately the only place we can burry them is within our body, where this energy then causes disharmony and disease. It is for this reason that true health and wellbeing can only be achieved if we are willing to bring them back up and work with them in a way that they can be fully released.
I so agree. i am currently witnessing the devastation the denial and burying of emotions in ravaging the body of someone close to me. Supporting people to express what they feel – without indulgence – is so important – not something I experienced myself when I was growing up – nor for many of us I feel.
I was brought up with the notion of ‘not hanging your dirty laundry outside’ meaning you only share with he world what is good. There is a whole, deeply ingrained, culture around not airing our emotions and so there is very little support to bring them out and express them. I am witnessing this everyday in my practice, where often clients will apologise if emotions come to the surface.
Jil, this is huge.. this is powerful and real. I am blessed to have chosen this blog to read today, simply because it enriches truth it makes life simple and understandable. It make those lies be cracked and taken down.. for what they are lies.
I love what you have written and come to here: ‘I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. ‘
I can feel that I have done the same, feeling worthy by what I do good and hope that he would see that, also that I would not show everything that I am unless he provided the world to be perfectly true (which is the greatest set-up as the world is all but perfect!, so I would not have to show my whole and full self!).
It is profound to take it deeper and to feel which conditions we have placed on God and ourselves, and what lies we have introduced to be our way. Those lies are very deceptive and needs absolute reveal for we must be identified for our love not for everything that we are not. We are love. We are worth every single drop of God’s love, but this is only possible when we allow the love to be us — being presently with us.
I have attended this same course Jill several times now, and even though I have been open and willing to deeply feel where and how I am still hanging onto emotions from this life, my primary organs continue to relate to me how there is always more to uncover. Our body holds memory, and as much as we do our best to bury it, it will always remain there unless we are willing to uncover it through this process of true healing.
The saying ‘ when the student is ready, the lesson appears’ came to me reading this. As when you had opened yourself up to see what may lurk within, the truth/lesson appears and you are ready to see it.
It’s interesting how we would judge and deny our emotion to be good. I used to think ‘good’ was untouchable, like I couldn’t argue with that, but truth is the power and we have that in ourselves.
There is grave evil in any religion or lifestyle that purports the principles of being ‘good’ as the key that will make us worthy of God’s love and be acceptance. Yet with this it is deemed that we are not already great, we are not born the Sons of God and that only if we perform well will we deserve to know God. For the fact is we are Souls first, sparks of God, as such we can never be truly separated from God and the greatness we innately are. We only needed to surrender to living in connection to our Soul as there is far more magic, enrichment and power to discover when we live a life that is aligned to what is true.
It is amazing to give ourselves the space to really observe and feel, and then clear it out of our bodies. There is no shortage of work to do on clearing these things out of the body. It amazes me how simple it can be if we are willing.
It is interesting how we can say on one hand we are not angry, and then on the other hand when we are, we try to smother it or play it down and then justify why. If we were to stay with the honesty and rawness of the anger, we would get to the root cause of what has triggered the anger in the first place, and quite often it is a totally different answer to what we first thought it was.
Isn´t it amazing, that when we are open to see the truth, how believes don´t make sense anymore?! That everything we thought is true is not true anymore. For me it is like a detective game sometimes to reveal the hooks and behaviours that wants us to stay in the lie our mind created so smartly. But the soul is smarter, once you let it speak to you.
Yes it is so true Stefanie. Once the truth is felt and embraced we discover there is great freedom and clarity to be who we truly are.
We all are worth to be loved, but this is only felt when we love ourselves first.
“I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” These words used are so manipulative and crushing in every way, I always had a problem listening to them when I went to church as a child. It is a shame religion has strayed so far from the truth and love, and continues to portray a very false version of God.
A beautiful sharing Jill. It just goes to show that it is never too late, we are never too old, to start the process of our return to our true selves The releasing of emotions and hurts that have been buried for ages allows for more space in our bodies and greater clarity in our relationships.
Holding onto any picture that tells us we are not worthy, can easily be broken by appreciating ourselves deeply, and unreservedly.
It feel so amazing when we nominate and let go of that which we have buried long ago, which stops us from the self love we all know we deserve.
I agree kevmchardy and with that letting go you always feel so much lighter and brighter.
We tend to see life outwardly, that is we tend to see how we contribute to the outside (the others) and judge us based on that which we help to achieve. Yet, how we live life also has an impact on us which is unavoidable. If the ‘good’ what we produce on the outside, also generates ‘bad’ in us, the questions are: is it worth it? How much can we play along without anything happening to us? Or are we so stubborn and arrogant that we keep going because something happening to us is not a possibility? Is it true what we are trying to sustain? How can it be something true if a part is left out and gets hurt?
Any ideals and beliefs about being benevolent, doing good, right and wrong are just that, they are part of the illusion that people fall for when in search of God, when in truth the only possible way is found within in the acceptance of who we are.
I was raised in the Catholic tradition and I recall as part of the mass a line that said something like; I am not worthy. Therein lies the first lie. We are all worthy. God does not love some more than others, he just loves because he is love. Which means that if we are of God then we are also from love. No-one is any different. I understand this at a much more deeper level now thanks to Serge Benhayon and what he presents.
It is such a relief when what is buried in the body surfaces, is felt and released. It is such a simple process that allows more space in the body for the love we naturally are.
Avoiding anger is always an available option…… But actually assisted analysis allows an acceptable healing by an EPA accredited practitioner!
Humanity has been so conditioned with disinformation that has resulted in such a devastating sense of betrayal… and this is why it is so important that we live the words we speak when we talk about religion and love, brotherhood and connection.
You could say that rage actually emanates from some people, as if they’re living on a certain frequency with very short wave lengths (a.k.a. temper)… Our emotions and movements create huge ripples that can be felt by an enormous amount of people.
This is a great blog, I love how you discover what you had buried for so long, that you were brave enough to finally allow yourself to feel the fact that you were mad as hell.
I relate, I find it so much easier, doing good and being busy than I do being loving to myself and responsible. I am still struggling with just “being” accepting myself.
Could it be possible that one day our organs will be showered with Love so that they start to share differently with the body? Then as Jill has shared life will be viewed from a different perspective so True Healing along with Conventional Medicine will support humanity. “One day about four years ago, Universal Medicine came into my life. At one of the workshops that I attended I came to understand, that apart from the physical aspects of gall bladder and liver disease, there were also energetic causes. These were explained to be frustration, bitterness, resentment, rage and anger.” So then when the energetic understanding become normal we will be seeking maintenance from True Healing and support from Conventional Medicine!
At school we should be trained how to connect, connect and connect. Connection and purpose guarentee what we all deserve – a live full of love.
I agree Abby with out purpose and love we are lost in a sea of self indulgence.
It is interesting how, we may not directly or obviously feel angry or disturbed by something, but this can be picked up by a listener or someone we are talking to, in the sound, the tone and way we speak… who then may say… “Are you OK? Is everything alright?..” Highlighting how we as humans can and do choose to avoid a niggle or something that is bothering us, and yet it takes another to bring a Stop moment, to reflect back to make us question and say… ‘actually, yes, you are right, I’m not quite myself today’ Great opportunity to then bring more honesty to investigation to resolve something.
There is much that we have buried through holding back our expressions.
And the great thing is, we just have to start to express and all the holding back and its patterns is releasing itself. It is not about indulging in the question ” why did I hold back” – that can be a game to stay silent aswell, it is more for me: Lets go. Do what I feel needs to be done.
That’s exactly it! Forget what’s happened in the past just get going and let it all out without measurement or conformation!
This is a great point Shirley-Ann. To be able to use any emotion that comes up as a ‘sign-post to an unresolved hurt’ rather than allowing the reaction of it to take full flight is a sure sign of how far anyone has come in regard to thier own evolution. And there is always more to learn and to look at.
Awesome Jill, giving yourself the opportunity to feel what was obviously buried for so many years. What I found useful to read was how this was all buried under the illusion of being good or doing good, and how that masked what was really going on underneath.
Not that strange that we become angry about the situation in which we are told that we are only good when we do good. As this is putting a hold on to just be you, in all the glory that you are and actually makes us very sad but try to not feel.
What we want to run away from is the gold that is waiting for us all our lives to look at to give us the opportunity to deepen and to evolve. Thank goodness for these opportunities and in our wisdom these areas should be what we go look for.
Thank you, Jill, for describing with such honesty your process of releasing the anger that had been buried in the body for some years. It is really helpful to share these stories as we can give each other pause for reflection about our own unresolved emotions.
Being good and doing good does not allow for one ounce of honesty, as every thing is measured up against this ideal, low self worth issues are tied up with the doing good mentality, only in connection with our soul can our un dealt and unfelt emotions be resolved.
“I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. ”
I have similar experiences and I thought by doing good I could change my negative thoughts.Truth is nothing changed and only when I was inspired through Universal Medicine to feel into my body and learn to connect more deeply to my body things started to shift.
When we hold back and store up our anger, when it is finally released, it affects everyone around us.
This is such a beautiful blog in its full honesty of the many things that we can carry around with us without even realising it…till one day we are ready to face the demons that we are weighed down with…and then we get to realise that there are no demons other than the ones we create for ourselves. Thank you Jill for your inspiration and willingness to go there, for this has inspired me in so many ways.
The quietly, softly spoken person who is angry asks us to go beyond what they are presenting and feel what is underneath.
Absolutely, we can feel everything that is going on in the other person. Actually you support to release such a behaviour of playing nice and good, if you read the other person and reflect what you feel. Everyone is able to feel the discomfort in a presence of a person that hides emotions like this or in any other way. For me it is like the person has lied to me.
The joy of coming to Universal Medicine and being offered and presented with the space of absolute truth and this is the most beautiful gift in the world we can give ourselves . it is life changing forever and allowing a real understanding of all we have carried and buried and why and makes sense of everything with a depth of knowing clarity and simplicity as we allow ourselves to truly feel all there is for us in our journey home.
How much do we fall for being nice in our trying to be accepted and in avoiding conflict or in reality, to tell our truth, that what emanates inside to be expressed and shared, which in some cases could lead to a reaction in the people we are with?
Jill, I deliberately chose to re-read your blog again this morning. When I read it for the first time I really liked the way you allowed yourself to feel any buried emotions and the part where you describe the sensations in your arm and hands when writing down what you we’re experiencing stayed with me. Yesterday I was feeling an emotion and, inspired by your blog, I talked to myself about everything that I was feeling. I also observed the movements of my hands and the shape they were taking. It was a very powerful experience to observe it from a diatance, even if it was happening very very close, in my own body.
I love the understanding of commitment that you have come to now – that it is about being true to who you are and truly loving; letting go of the belief of needing to be ‘good’ rather than true to what you feel or know from inside.
It can sometimes be hard in the moment of reaction to be honest with ourselves and see the reaction for what it is – I recently had to call out in myself a certain reaction or behaviour I kept falling back on every time a situation asked me to be more – normally in life we can get away with our hurts and reactions without question but then just end up building up in the body and doing us greater harm down the track.
In fact this is such a gift what you are sharing Rebecca. Things come back again and again for us to learn and get a deeper understanding of. When we appreciate this is the case we will embrace every situation that are brought to our attention for the gift of growing awareness and the blessing that comes with it.
I agree Nico – finally situations are freed from being the annoying struggle of getting caught up and instead each one we encounter is an opportunity to reflect and evolve – always look first to ourselves rather than instantly pointing the finger at another for in the end it is only us who chooses to react or not
An old belief that I have carried and became aware of was; I do not deserve God’s love….I am unworthy to receive, which comes from my Irish catholic upbringing. What this did was to keep me shut down and in separation from my true essence which is love, which meant that my life was full of struggle and complication and exhaustion which resulted in living a loveless life. It was not till I discovered Universal Medicine and Serge Benhyon that I have cleared and healed so much old stuff from my body, that now I can feel how light my body is and how it communicates with me in every way.
What you share about God is very pertinent and something I have not explored for me. I just hold onto it feeling like I deserve to return to receiving Gods love in full but it’s such a nonsensical game played to keep the status quo. Easy to break from if I truly want to choose that.
This is what equality is all about, firstly holding ourselves equal to everything we know love and truth to be, then being willing to share this with all others.
I used to get this adrenaline buzz with getting angry. I grew up getting used to that flood of adrenaline and in some ways liking the high drama it offered. I often thought I was entitled to be angry because I was right. This rise in drama is not supportive, it is in truth distracting from getting on with life and purpose. Now if I get the rise I know to express, breathe and move my body to move in a way to come out of it. Anger is a reaction to feeling hurt; show our honest vulnerable selves and anger has no place.
“When one of my sons would ask me, “Are you angry, Mum?” I would reply, “No, I am just a little annoyed.”” I know this oh so well, the fact that I would deny what I was feeling because I did not want to feel that way, it was something that affected me for most of my life until I came to Universal Medicine and felt the freedom to express how I really felt.
It is a beautiful moment when anger is seen as a choice amongst all the other choices available throughout the day.
This is a great sharing here in your blog, highlighting how we can misleadingly think we are feeling ‘fine’, but that we have instead, in some way chosen to bury, numb or avoid acknowledging the truth of an emotion.
Indeed Johanne. And re-reading this blog again today where Jill mentions; ‘I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.’ To expose the ideal of ‘good’ made me consider what else can be buried under this ideal and how much it can trick us.
It is interesting how we measure and judge reactions as some being better or more acceptable than others, when really they are all reactions and a step away from us truly shining and contributing to our communities in a very needed way.
Great observation with the awareness of how your arm and hand hand felt while writing. I was pondered the energy we write it, I have observed I have written in a protective and angry way scrawling way and if we can be aware of how we move then we. can pick up in the different emotions that we habitually go in to.
A beautiful example of the blessing that await us as we embrace our awareness.
Children are such a radar for our emotions. Reading your blog Jill I realise there were times when my sons were young they would ask me similar questions when they picked up that I was sad, angry etc. I too would water down my response if I was not ready to take the opportunity they offered me to look deeper into how I was feeling.
Overtly I run a mile from anger too Jill, I now realise, and feel, the anger towards myself; with physical consequences. Being honest and open is the key along with taking responsibility for healing the hurts that cause the anger. A beautiful reminder of responsibility and choice, thank you Jill.
“I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…”
‘I went into pandering as a way of life to keep myself safe by attending to other people’s needs, keeping myself hidden and hoping thereby to keep everything peaceful’. The more aware we become and the more we use our natural God-given clairsentience the more horrendous we feel pandering is. Though in the past there is probably not one of us who didn’t pander in order to protect themselves from attack. This is such false peace and becomes the substitute for pure harmony, True relationships cannot built from anything but harmony and love – not safety and pandering. Great thing to expose Jill.
It’s funny how we will deny being angry, even when someone points it out. Often our response is to go into defense which creates more anger and more hardness. All we are trying to do is protect ourselves, but ultimately we are simply building a wall that holds us away from the love that we crave so deeply.
No wonder we become angry if we choose to become a ‘good’ human being as being and doing good is one of the most evil and hideous ways of being that we have in our societies. Under the cloak of doing good many atrocities to humanity are being fostered and kept alive. As we all are natural very sensitive we all feel that there is no real good in the ‘doing good’ as it is lacking love and is fueled by the pursue for personal recognition and reward. It is just the fact that we do not try to feel this fact that makes us to have rage and anger to the bones as it is not natural for us to not be honest with what we feel is true.
Every time I allow myself to feel who I am angry at the finger points towards me. I thought I was angry at God but I was really angry at myself for denying my connection with God.
Anger is an often judged emotion, and that judgement can lead to a constant denial of its existence. Rather than avoid anger as many do, opening up to the fact it is a message from within that there is a deeper sadness to be resolved can bring a true healing.
We play so many tricks, we deny how we feel, bolster ourselves up with illusions that serve no purpose. We can shift all of this by being honest, we free ourselves from a self-made prison. I was angry and hard in my movements not just in what I said. Honesty exposes the darkness and allows the light to flood in. There is so much more light than dark.
‘I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…’ this is so beautiful. It’s like we let go of the veil of deception and return to the purity we are from.
Alex Braun made a comment earlier like this: “What a revelation: Good is the greatest evil. Good always comes with wrong and bad. We cannot have the one without the other, they are inseparable twins. Truth on the other hand exists on its own, it doesn´t need an opposite to be just as love or joy. This is very worth to deeply ponder on.” – this is brilliant and I had not stopped to consider this. Good and Bad are opposites and are behaviours that we choose, and hence are not a natural expression of the body. But Truth sits above behaviours, it simply just is, and it is a natural expression from the body and the heart! Thank you Alex!
It can be fascinating to find the root cause of what may be called an uncontrollable or difficult to control emotion that comes up again and again. Once the root cause is found, though, that emotion can go away completely.
“I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love. ”
Being good is such a trap and kept me for may lifes and this life from being deeply loving and appreciative with myself. Since I learned to know Serge Benhayon I start to understand that being loving with oneself is about choices and how and in which quality I move.
It is so true Kerstin that whilst we play at being nice and good in our lives we turn our backs on truly loving and appreciating ourselves for who we naturally are.
Yes, it is never too late to heal our buried emotions and it is amazing what a difference it can make to our bodies and sense of wellbeing. At a recent Universal Medicine retreat I was able to let go of something that I had been carrying around for eons, and can now find no trace of what used to cripple me with self loathing…life changing!
Most people are fooled by the energy of “good” as it is held up as something to aspire to. It has taken me a long time to be able to see through this energy and see what is behind it. The energy of “good” and “bad” or “right” and “wrong” is actually very imposing and on an energetic level the exact same energy but at opposite ends of the scales hence why there is not an ounce of truth in any of them.
Yes, good, bad, right and wrong are not true even when they are ‘right’.
Children feel exactly where adults are at and it must be very confusing if not undermining of their ability when we deny what in truth we are feeling.
I remember asking adults if they were angry when now I can remember and understand they were trying their best to cover up to themselves how they were really feeling. My asking only made them irritated with me for pointing out something they were trying to mask and forget. I used to ask mysef what was so bad that it had to be covered up.
It is remarkable that one of your young sons asked you if you were angry when you were convinced that you were not. Although every single person is just as sensitive and able to feel energy, children are far more honest and allowing of what they feel, so it would be wise for us to not ignore their prompts. In fact by honouring them and not making them doubt their awareness, perhaps we will start having adult generations who are just as in touch with their sensitivity.
Physically we know how anger affects our body–it is harmful. But without acknowledging that we have anger and that it may be buried, and coming back to allowing ourselves to truly feel that so thoroughly while nominating this is what we feel, so that it does not own us anymore, we will be forever imprisoned by this emotion. Liberation from emotions is never to avoid it but to be with it and expose it is not a true part of us.
Lack of self worth has become such an entrenched state of play for women the world over. Dishonouring our deepest feelings is at it’s core, which of course includes the fact that we deny our divine origins and relationship. We go about life as though we are here to achieve (get things done) and to function… essentially, forgetting that we have an undeniable quality of stillness, grace, beauty and delicacy that is our worth.
“It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.” What a shift in thinking, and how stunning to invite yourself to be the real you.
God’s love is the natural foundation of all life. It is not something to be gained or earned. It simply is.
That is the key message that we can mess ourselves up with, thinking we have to do something to be worthy of Gods grace, and love, it simple is not true and not what God is about at all.
Good point Vanessa, there’s a lot of deeds done in the ‘doing of God’s work’, and ‘for the people’ but do we ever stop to really feel if these deeds are in fact true. It seems that there are a lot of campaigns these days to put the world right which feel as though they are based on the ‘good’ and ‘right’ with a dollop of anger and hurt being in the driving seat.
I know that for myself anger builds up when I have not managed to express how I truly feel. It’s like a big dam is created in my body, and my natural ease and joy just disappears. Expressing how I truly feel frees it all up and creates space in my body with which I can then move without all the pent up emotion.
‘… I am worthy’ – this is a turn around, miraculous thing to be able to say to ourselves
Amazing isn’t it, that we can successfully bury so much emotion and un-expressed tension and discover, many years later that it is still there. Sometimes it takes a stop moment, where our body eventually shows the damage that has been done. And after time this starts to occur on a physical level. It is so much simpler, healthier and expansive to stay open, be tender with ourselves, appreciate ourselves, and take a deeper look at the hurts that keep us in protection, tension, anger and nervous energy. And we realise that our hurt, hard and self-depreciating behaviours are not us at all.
Thank you Jill, I realised as I read your blog that the belief from religion we are sinners, unworthy or responsible for the death of Jesus means we must aim to be good all the time to make up for everything we have done wrong. It’s as if we are taught to continually apologise for existing and spend our lives making up for it, hoping to get approved of at some point by a resentful and judgemental God. Nothing could be further from the truth and in fact one day this type of religious belief will be seen for the abuse it actually is. A great line “It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.”
‘Doing good’ is more often than not a thinly disguised veneer overlaying an array of hurts and that includes emotions such as resentment, anger, bitterness and rage; and not to forget the devastating sadness that underpins anger.
“Anger was not something I permitted in myself.” I am being shown just this recently especially the anger I feel towards myself, though when I do I quickly feel the sadness underneath and it is then the hurt I have not wanted to feel.
It is only with this level of honesty with ourslevs that we can then make steps towards making changes. I can relate to much of whats shared,thank you Jill.
I remember being very angry in my teenage and early adult years, and then once I began to practice and then teach the Alexander Technique I became ashamed to my behaviour without acknowledging why the anger was there or where it came from. This resulted in years of self abuse in another way, deep suppression and burying of the deeper truth of where this emotion came from, why I invested in it, and how I was truly feeling about myself and my life. It has taken me years of working with Esoteric Healing practitioners to allow these feelings to surface, and discover what you did Jill, that the anger came from my lack of confidence and self worth, and was about myself before it was directed at others or the way the world was. I hear so many people say they are never angry, but can feel the energy in them through the hardness of their bodies and movements. It was through recognising the hardness and holding tight in my body that I was able to connect again with the anger.
Anger covers hurt. When I get upset and then angry I can look for the hurt.
‘All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing.’ How the church has sold us this evil lie and in our choosing of it we have only moved further from God by separating from our divine innate essence.
Often our anger is buried so deep with in our bodies that we have no recollection that we are an angry person. One thing that can give it away is that we react to and /or stay away from angry people to avoid our own anger getting exposed.
Very good clue Mary-Louise. This is why it is vital to be aware of who we avoid, and who and what we close down to, because our health and the health of the world depends on us opening up, being honest and clearing our hurts.
Good point Mary-Louise, I used to hate being around angry people, because it was a reflection on my own anger which I had not addressed. It just goes to show the extent we will go to, in order to hide and bury our own feelings of hurt, and actually then not see ourselves as being angry.
I love the way kids are so switched on and honest about the what they feel. While adults tend to tiptoe around people to not awaken the volcano, kids just name it and ask us why we are choosing it.
We use the ‘good’ as a way of bartering, saying ‘but I have done that’ etc, using it to get people to succumb to our demands, get ahead in social status, to control others. Good, is not truth and Love and Responsibility…these words are where the essence of ‘good’ lie, not in the twisted version that is used to bolster position and fend of criticism.
I have experienced extreme anger in myself only once or twice in my life where I felt I was almost out of control. (I say almost because in writing this I realise that being angry is a very effective way of controlling the situation. It dominates and subjugates those around us. ) But even though I’ve only expressed extreme anger a couple of times, I have not been a person free of anger – I’ve held my anger within but it has come out in other ways like sniping comments, lingering resentment, desperate sadness… all because I didn’t want to acknowledge I was feeling anger. I do still feel flashes of anger at times but thanks to the teachings and presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, the way I choose to live now means I have more space within me so I do not react to what is going on around me so much. I am able to be objective and respond, and if I do feel anger, frustration, sadness … and emotion, I know I’m feeling a hurt within me and am trying to numb it out with my emotions.
It is fascinating how much anger can be buried and hidden behind niceness to even such degree that even the angry person can be unaware of it. This is not to be judged in any way but to be fully understood as it serves to manage an inner dilemma. Unraveling this dilemma can be a challenging and very revealing process that requires honesty and vulnerability.
Alex this is a very profound comment you have made, and I have copy and pasted it in a comment further down as I feel it needs to be read my more…this is what I said:
“Alex Braun made a comment earlier like this: “What a revelation: Good is the greatest evil. Good always comes with wrong and bad. We cannot have the one without the other, they are inseparable twins. Truth on the other hand exists on its own, it doesn´t need an opposite to be just as love or joy. This is very worth to deeply ponder on.” – this is brilliant and I had not stopped to consider this. Good and Bad are opposites and are behaviours that we choose, and hence are not a natural expression of the body. But Truth sits above behaviours, it simply just is, and it is a natural expression from the body and the heart! Thank you Alex!
‘“I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.’ This is an amazing piece of psychological propaganda that the church has circulated for aeons to keep the human race reduced from their inherent magnificence. Thanks for outing it Jill.
This is gorgeous Jill, you have really cracked a big ideal and a mountainous belief here! You have broken the shackles that bound you in ‘good’. I grew up under the very same illusion and reacting to being ‘good’ by being ‘bad’ didn’t work either. And yes the frustration, resentment, bitterness and eventually the outbursts of rage that could no longer be contained were also all I knew and I thought I was just annoyed and irritated as I was exhausted most of the time. It is exhausting being ‘nice’ . . . in fact it is exhausting not being yourself. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and the Ageless Wisdom that reminds us of who we are and where we are returning to for knowing this we unravel ourselves from our beliefs and leave all our self imposed shackles behind.
Yes, it is like walking around with a permanent restriction and getting more and more upset with that restriction. I agree with you, Kathleen.
Jill, thank you for this great and honest sharing. The part where you describe the writing about how you were feeling and the sensations you experienced physically is something that I can relate to and that I had at times experienced not wanting to feel or admit it was there. Thank you for the insights on your deeper understanding of the emotions.
What a revelation: Good is the greatest evil. Good always comes with wrong and bad. We cannot have the one without the other, they are inseparable twins. Truth on the other hand exists on its own, it doesn´t need an opposite to be just as love or joy. This is very worth to deeply ponder on.
It’s a confronting statement that ‘good is evil’ but good is something we have to do, to become. It has a set of rules and ideals attached to it that mean we often have to override our true impulses to be good. So anything that demands we are anything other that true to ourselves is divisive and therefore evil.
Love this Alex, so true, there is no opposite to truth. Any thing that is not from the divine has an opposite, like good and bad, right and wrong……
Unworthiness is one of the astral plane’s greatest tricks on humanity – how to keep a good man or woman down – the irony being that we do it to ourselves, we choose the ghastly offering when it is held out to us. Then we cover it all up in the wound of unworthy with a sickly sweet icing called the ‘Nice’ and ‘Good’ although it is not true Good in any sense.
Spot on Lyndy and so beautifully said! I too have been caught up for eons in the web of “being nice and good” simply to seek to be accepted and ‘liked’ by others, and let’s face it, to feel ‘safe’. Thankfully this is a web I have almost completely shaken off and cleared by now, though I still find at times I can slip into the old pattern of being nice and good instead of simply being me and being honest and truthful.
Beautiful comment Henrietta – I can relate to every word you say!
Anger is so destructive of our true nature and is exposing how we can be dishonest with ourselves as it is such an emotion that we don’t like to acknowledge. But when we do it is giving us the opportunity to release this and the feelings we are covering up.
Great point Benkt, we are never the anger we express, it is just experiences we have used to block our true nature, and that loveliness that is there in our body when we allow ourselves to feel this and live with this. Feeling anger for me means time to get honest about what is still hurting me.
Indeed Benkt, I can feel that too, that anger is destructive, wants to break down that what is actually loving and supporting to us. Not only destructive to corporeally matter when we express the anger in becoming physical violent but, what to me feels even more destructive on the human level, are the breaking down of supportive relationships we have in life.
Over the past few days I have been offered the opportunity, through my body, to feel some odd moments where there has been a deeper level of frustration arising to the surface. When I overrode my body a couple of times, it was very apparent as the frustration got acted out on myself and thus to others . Now, choosing to observe the tension in my chest or jaw and know it is the moment to stop and bring deeper awareness to what is happening, appreciate being aware of this and then renounce it. This is like magic – as my body re-configures itself in that instant, there is no separation with myself or others.
‘Anger was not something I permitted in myself.’ One of the most loving and freeing gestures we can offer ourselves and others is the willingness to feel whatever is there to be felt in us and in others, without judgement or critique.
‘Commitment to being the real me’ Thank you so much Jill, this is huge! How often do we commit to the doing of things thinking we are committed whilst we leave ‘us’ behind?
So true Jane. I always thought I was committed as I put everything into being a ‘good’ parent to my children, and wife to my then husband, but at the expense of putting all my focus on them and neglecting myself in the process. In the long term, this helped none of us and eventually the neglect caught up with us all and had to be dealt with. Bringing daily committment to being who we are allows feelings to be dealt with there and then, leaving no room for them to be held in the body, only to errupt at a later date when we are least expecting it!
There can be many layers of protection over our unresolved hurts, to the extent that we do not feel them in our everyday lives. It takes a great deal of energy to keep everything under wraps, so it is a great relief and healing for the body to address the hurt and let go of the emotion.
Anger is like a scab that you keep picking at when you are little! Every time you pick at it the original pain returns that eventually and enviably leaves a scar for you to never forget. As we get older it gives you something to reflect on what happens when we hold onto anger and the lasting effects by holding on to something that is not a truth.
How awful is it that many people are living lives with a deep level of unworthiness, society fosters our doubt and many religions too. We are all sons of God equally so and any thing that tells or implies other wise is from a source of deep separation.
On the outside in many ways I don’t look that different to how I was in the past but in others ways and in all ways I am completely different, my anger in the past was all passive, bubbling away yet with me 24/7, self destructive and that has changed to an ever deepening level of appreciation.
To bring in “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love” is actually crime to humanity. When we start to believe that this is true we enter into the realm of life that is void of the love we are from and belong to and instead have a life in reaching out for love. In that reaching out we enter into many ill behaviours and belief systems that are detrimental for our health but at the same time make us think that we are doing good. How evil is that! No wonder that we carry anger with us as everything is felt by the body, also if we are not consciously aware.
I observed within me that I can get angry when I am unconcsiously taking on energy and when I was not aware that I acted from an ideal or belief.
I have often thought this, what makes anger, anger? And what makes sadness, sadness? They are both energetic experience and in that we call ourselves “angry” or identify with the emotion that is coming through us, but these are viewed on the scale as very differing emotions and they are – but they are in truth not of the same source of energy – which is not of our original essence.
Good may be something we aspire to, but that is all it can ever be. Love on the otherhand is always on the ground, real and complete in its expression. Love inspires.
Anger and frustration are most vicious when we bury the emotions and then get angry on the inside over situations, people and various things, running a constant monologue which justifies why the world is a terrible place and we should be angry, because this can go on for years and seriously affect our mental wellbeing and everyone else can often feel this inner spite.
Interesting in this is Susie, that like Jill is sharing in this blog, that she was not aware of the frustration and the anger in her body while it was very prominently there. And as you say in turn it is dictating our lives and in the basis of how we are with other people. Any occasion can trigger the hurt of what is at the basis of the angler and there we go, anger and frustration are interfering with our expression and let us do and say things we do not want to do and say and become regretful about. But how can we not be aware of the anger and frustration we carry in the first place? Could it be because we have bought into the image of doing good and with that act have lost our connection with our essence and with that with our inner feelings as well?
What we think being good is most definitely a trick in its interpretation, it keeps us forging on with duty, but there is no joy in it, and in this we miss the magic divine ingredient that is a relationship with God and the expression of it.
I am discovering that many things lie beneath the surface and that it is easy to disconnect from these in order to stay in comfort. Your blog Jill, is so confirming of what is possible when we are open to love.
The mind can actually trick us into thinking that we don’t feel certain things. It is pretty crazy to think that we can bury so much. What is great about this blog is the change in you to actually get rid of those tiny niggling feelings because actually it turned out to be something much bigger.
The Esoteric Healing modalities taught and practiced by Universal medicine and Universal Medicine practitioners, are in my experience a very loving, gentle and supportive way to get to feel the emotions and experiences we have held on to and covered over. By dis-covering them I know I can address what has happened for this to be the way my body has ‘ended up’, and I have experienced true healing as these areas come to the surface to be addressed.
“I went into pandering as a way of life to keep myself safe” ditto that was how i lived, yet the more I did that the more discontentment I felt build up in my body and the more I wanted to relief this feeling. I tried everything but nothing seemed to work until I started to look at myself and starting to express in full how I truly felt about something instead of sugar coating everything.
For a long time I have thought of anger as an unfortunate thing, that shows a horribly ugly side to the human being. But over the last week I have started to see that perhaps its not as dark as what I have seen. I experienced the other day, a close friends anger, directed at me, after I myself had treated myself quite harshly. It made me realise just how devastating it is to us, to live in this world filled with disregard, self-abuse, and unloving ways. This sadness of what we sense with others is very hard to feel and so we look for a variety of drugs to take this away. Anger is one of our go-to emotions that seems very ‘real’ but in my feelings seems specifically designed to actively remove us from what we sense and push other people and life away. So what if we considered anger not as a terrible thing, but a cry for help to deal with what we can feel? Certainly it helps me compassionately understand myself and my family in a new way. Thank you Jill.
It’s interesting that when we start to observe ourselves and our emotions/reactions, even where we thought we were squeaky clean there may be some things there to be aware of!
I used to wonder where anger came from because most of the time I was surprised when it appeared. One minute I felt fine and then the next, I was angry. Most of the time it feels like it’s come out of nowhere. So, if I was honest with myself back then I was probably angry most of the time but denied that I was. When I started to address my anger and heal the deep sadness I felt, everything changed for me. I didn’t focus on healing anger, what I focused on was self-love, self-care and self-nurture. From developing a deeper level of connection with myself, I realised I was angry at myself for separating from love. By choosing to be more loving, this was my medicine to healing anger, and this is the best medicine ever.
It’s interesting how we judge ourselves and others for feeling angry. It is a natural response to feeling hurt or sad. We cover these feelings up with hardness and protection. If we then judge we make it worse. With understanding we can help it dissolve and release rather than create more hardness and more anger.
True Rebecca, if we communicated (and in that, accepted) that feeling hurt or sad is OK, then we would not need to do much of the hardening – which is in fact crippling the body far more than the original emotion.
It’s incredible how powerful making a commitment to being the real and loving being that we are is, as you have shown Jill, and what it allows to come up to be healed as it is not part of who we truly are.
Honesty is such a great step forward to real change, it’s great when we stop pretending and burying what we feel and just start being honest.
One of the exciting things about being a student is that we can get completely surprised by what we find out about ourselves and the more we are a student the more likely it is that the surprise will be a positive one.
This blog is doing such a service for humanity. There is not of us who hasn’t been carrying an emotional reactiveness around with us, denying that it exists. And this blog paves the way for us all.
A tight jaw is a real sign for me that I have been affected by life around me, and that there is frustration present. I love that it is possible to make the connection between parts of the face and human emotions. When it is broken down it makes a lot of sense.
Thank you Jill. I had the same experience with bitterness. I did not think I was bitter until I learned that bitterness can be internal rage directed at oneself for not dealing with things.
This can be so often truth for other things – reacting? Hurt? No way, i just think the situation is unfair, or I am just standing up for someone etc etc – in the moment we can feel totally justified in our reactions and not actually clock that what is said or done is from a hurt, but in actual fact this is what is feeling the thoughts, actions or words we speak and so we have a great responsibility to be entirely transparent with ourselves and our choices.
It is interesting that denying ourselves from feeling the anger does not send it away, it suppresses it until it then explodes. I have witnessed how this feels in the body and also been on the receiving end. We have the pictures of how we think things should be, but once liberating ourselves from that, we can drop the protection and the blaming games releasing us to be our true selves.
Before we can even look at addressing anger, resentment, sadness and other deep-rooted emotions that might be influencing our lives and everyday decisions, we have to first let go and open our eyes to seeing more than meets the eye. From there, these crippling emotions can be deconstructed and our foundations for relationships, family life, work, self-care and so forth can be redeveloped.
There is so much more to what we see with our eyes alone, as you say we 1st have to open up to the possibilities and then the reality of energy and what is really going on. The more we choose to be aware the more we get to see and then everything starts to make sense. Negating the fact of energy nothing really sense and we just end up blaming others.
Free of the need to earn my place on earth, I am touched by this article and love the claiming of your inherent worth and value. Thank you, Jill.
Recently I had this experience of feeling angry towards God. It took me by surprise because I had never considered this a possibility. But there it was, being vented at something completely unrelated and when I sat with it and remained open to seeing what was really going on, I could feel this deep well of sadness that was being expressed as anger and it was about God – which seems crazy. But I do not see this as a bad thing, it is just the after effects of many lives lived in separation to his love which ultimately is gonna hurt.
Yes, that is a valuable thing to discover and I suspect very common. Well done.
This blog to me show once more that we are so much more that the taken on ideals and beliefs and that these are just ways of protecting ourselves from feeling the hurt we carry from choosing that to walk away from God, the ultimate hurt beyond all our ill behaviours. And in our arrogance we are also blaming God for leaving us while we have made this step in the first place. Honesty is our way back to return to our loving father who will never stop beholding us.
There’s no healing when we deny ourselves the honesty of what we are truly feeling. In effect we’re saying no to the healing miracles love brings, not giving ourselves the chance to live another way free of hurts. It’s like we hold onto our hurts, protecting them in the belief that they protect us when actually they slowly or quickly eat us up alive.
‘The honesty of what we are truly feeling’ is crucial. Only when I acknowledge a hurt, I start to see the reaction and the ill-behaviour the hurt entices.
Also this reclaiming of myself, as well as the power of my choices, allows me to look again at the whole situation and know that it is possible to respond in a different light.
Jill, you have exposed how buried anger can be and how it can be covered up by ‘self-righteousness’, ‘good’ and ‘nice’. Honesty is the only way to seeing clearly that leads to truth.
Ah anger and being a Christian I remember those days and no one was angry. People would yell and look super upset and yet wouldn’t be angry according to them. This then was how I was, never angry, a little upset, frustrated possibly but not angry. Why are people so reluctant to be angry? What I realise now is that anytime we’re not honest or open to see something then we protect it, it remains in or with us. The quickest way to move past or through something is to first see that it is there. Anytime we don’t then we bury it, it remains there and the funny or not so funny part is that there are others around it that see it, like we did easily when we were kids but you stand there blinding yourself to what is obvious to others. It’s not about anger and or Christians but about the simple fact that there are things that if we don’t open ourselves up to being honest then there don’t go away, they just remain hidden from our view.
It doesn’t take a genius to see the gigantic chasm between what certain religions present and what their followers live – so clearly huge stuff is being buried. Is it possible that without the false pillars of these religions to which so many of us blindly aspire, then we would feel freer, less imposed upon and more transparent in expressing the stuff that we have hidden?
There is a HUGE difference between thinking and feeling. Without discerning this we can run with many perceptions that are not true.
I remember opening up to the possibility that I was angry…just the possibility because it was something I really did not want to be, at all, ever. That possibility opened up a bit of a floodgate of what I had been holding back. I was most cross with myself though. I could pretend I was angry with others, I could divert and blame, but to be truly honest I was most cross with myself for forgetting that love meant so much to me, that I knew how to live from that space. I worked way too hard and tired myself out way too much.
Jill, this is very inspiring to read, and to appreciate the level of willingness that has to be present to explore even the possibility that you may have anger, or any other emotion for that matter, lurking unexpressed somewhere in the body. It has made me ponder on how many of us have this willingness, and are prepared to delve deeply to uncover these engrained hurts, that left undealt with will undoubtedly in time develop into some kind of physical dis-ease?
Every disconnection we feel with others including with God, comes from that we have first chosen it with ourselves, this when deeply felt is grievous but it needs not stay that way. Once we make the choice to just connect back with ourselves, to be super tender and understanding to all of our choices is a great place to start.
I can agree with that Adele, in just returning to the delicateness of our body and to honor that we can connect to our true essence once again and make life about healing and love. when we do so we are entering the pathway back to God, and restore the connection we missed so much and was aching to the bones.
Elizabeth without honesty there is no healing of the emotional baggage we carry. When we start to be honest we can also work on healing the underlying causes.
What an inspiring blog Jill. I feel you have captured what so many of us, especially women have experienced. Anger is generally not an acceptable emotion for little girls and we learn quickly to be quiet and be good. I also came into this life with an agreement with God (a one sided agreement on my part) that I would be good. It was part of the belief that I was not worthy of God’s love so I had to buy it by being good. Luckily the falseness of this bargaining was exposed very early and with the support of Universal Medicine I have rediscovered a true and equal relationship with God.
Yes, Jill, discovering that we have been sold a lie is the greatest liberation, as from that point onwards we are free of its illusionary hold.
What a farce and mockery we have made of religion when we look up to some people as knowing God better than we do, when we accept the notion that we need to jump through hoops in order to please God, and then we expect to have a rosy and comfortable life because we have been so good!
I imagine loads of people would be angry at God for these reasons alone – then again it is not really God they are disgruntled with, but our beliefs and expectations about a fabricated image of God.
Yes I suspect there are many like me who’ve been super angry with themselves for buying into an image and beliefs around God that are all false. So it wasn’t God I was angry with for not living up to my ideals no matter how vocal I was at lambasting Him, but me for walking away when I could feel all along, beneath all the hurts etc, His love never left my side.The grief I felt for not allowing this love in my life I often avoid but it’s so much simpler to be honest and feel it because it passes and in staying present I return myself to His love.
I do not have a clear memory of choosing to cut myself from God, but I do recall in moments of deep hurt and fury choosing to go into my room and locking the door and vowing that I would never ever express openly to my family again. Of course once I stopped being in the grip of that energy, my thoughts changed, but while it lasted, that choice to deliberately separate myself was infinitely more painful than whatever it was I had experienced. It was like an internal stabbing at my heart.
It is true. If only we stop long enough in honesty and allow ourselves to feel the debilitation and the error in our choices, so much pain would be eradicated from our lives.
So well said – it is the image we have of and about God that we become disgruntled and frustrated with not actually God. The same can go for so many areas in our lives when we create a picture or way we want things to be rather than allowing them just to be.
I agree, willingness to be honest is what will bring about true change.
Yes agree Eva, as Jill has done so beautifully here.
In holding on to hurts we have to hold on to much protection and anger. We can either choose to continue to invest in the hurts and associated emotions or the true power that comes from letting them go.
Anger is an interesting one, it can be tricky and hide in the most unlikely places. It is felt by those around us but often we refuse to see the hold it has on us. The fact that you have never given up on figuring out what it was that was buried deep inside you, is very brave and beautiful, it gives me strength to know that although it may take time, if you commit, you are able to heal.
I am inspired as well Sarah with the commitment to dig deeper into underlying emotions.
When we are open to feeling everything, our body let’s us know about it. What an aming opportunity we have in each life to clear and heal things.
What a powerful story… And honest revealing an extremely courageous article that cannot help opening us up to what does hide underneath the guise of good and nice… And how tenacious and covert it can be
It’s amazing how we have let these destructive emotions fill up our bodies to the point where we have to have an organ removed. But very many do not realise that this is the case – we pollute our own bodies and everything around us with our emotional reactions which are all part of a mechanism to protect our hurts. This is one of the greatest teachings of the Ageless Wisdom.
There are potentially many layers of the unexpressed from the past – this weekend I have felt more and been surprised at how they can still play out.
Sometimes we can deny an emotion for so long that when we actually get to then feel it years down the track it feels so foreign to us and it is hard to comprehend that it comes from us. This is the level of disconnection that we can have. Thank you Jill for sharing this, as it is something I too have done, denying what I have been feeling and instead playing it nice. It is so freeing to allow an honesty and express what we truly feel.
It takes a fair deal of honesty to admit how we are feeling. When we start bringing honesty to how we are feeling, it is a great start and beginning of heading towards truth
i work in customer service, and often customers just fire off their anger for seemingly no reason at all. Something very tiny sets them off. They aim their anger at the customer advisors, but this is just an outlet for their unresolved emotion. It is sitting stewing in their body waiting for an opportunity to take it out on someone. Ultimately they are extremely hurt inside and the anger is simply a cover up and a defence.
Rebecca, I know someone who is very angry most of the time and it takes very little for them to ’blow their top’. The other evening I had just got home when the phone rang and on the other end of the phone was this person who was so angry they were ’spitting blood’, so to speak. I could feel they were holding themselves so tightly so as to not ‘explode’. But it’s not them, I can feel a very hurt person who is using anger to defend themselves and I used to do this myself, and use other tactics as well to defend and protect myself. This person has had some serious health issues and to me this makes sense because their body is under so much stress from the unresolved issues that is causing the anger in their body. I shudder to think what stresses I put my body through by being so angry and frustrated all the time. Thankfully I found Universal Medicine and dealt with my emotional issues and have the understanding that not everyone has had that same opportunity.
Jill, your incredibly honest blog has certainly demonstrated the impact un-dealt with emotions and living in a way that is not true for us has on our body. And what is held within will stay there, simmering away until one day, as you experienced, it explodes out, often not in a very pleasant way. But as you share the healing that can then unfold can be very profound and life changing.
Being open to knowing the energetic cases of disease (such as a diseased gall-bladder) is the first step toward being really honest about what emotions we carry deep within us!! A great Blog Jill – pure gold
Sometimes we have buried things so deeply it can take a fair amount of de-layering to uncover them. Emotions and hurts form long ago may have been suppressed, squashed and distorted over time that in the process of coming back to the core truth of them, they may at first not seem what in truth they are.
I have also felt how my writing has changed as my emotional issues have been healed.
When we are angry being disciplined has never worked because of the force that we are in that creates a relationship with anger, so therefore we are being obedient to that energy. The energy allows the so many issues to be buried under the emotion we call anger. When we become obedient to the will of God our issues can be seen for the lies that we have been aligning to so without any emotional attachments the ill ways can be healed.
Perhaps the one that expresses the anger felt is the more real and honest rather than the “nice” one who keeps it all bottled up and releases it subtly.
Healing has it’s own rhythm, how much we choose it to be part of our lives is up to us.
It is interesting how I can pride myself on being a certain way and yet while I might be genuine and caring and sweet and kind, I can also feel other emotions such as angry and sulky and acting childish that float to the surface. Our willingness to see our issues and deal with them is though really all that matters.
It is in fact so very liberating to face up to the emotions we carry round in our bodies so we can then look at them in honesty and heal whatever there is to heal.
under all anger is grief – unexpressed, waiting to be connected to, and all the time owning our actions. That is why vulnerability is so important – to unlock the door to that which remains otherwise buried.
It’s interesting. There are those of us who bury our anger deep inside and are not even aware of it, and there are those who wear their anger on their sleeve so to speak and become known as angry people. Either way we are allowing this energy to poison our bodies until we actually take steps to choose differently and to clear it.
It is amusing that we can go through our whole life being angry for example but quite oblivious to the fact.
Most of my life I called a certain response in my body ‘fear’, because I would experience it whenever I was around aggressive looking men whom I considered to be scary.
But after learning how different reactions impact on precise areas of the body, I started to realise that the feeling in my chest was not fear after all. It was me closing my heart to people, and also holding my breath and cutting myself off from feeling God through my breathing. This was a huge revelation and has turned my life round, for one it has shed light on my own responsibility in how I react under such circumstances.
We can be so clever and creative when we choose to be dishonest and fool ourselves.
The being ‘nice’ and being ‘good’ facades can hide a multitude of hurts and lack of self-worth issues… and this hiding/protecting takes an enormous amount of time and energy to maintain – no wonder so many are exhausted!
The pressure cooker that we allow ourselves to become and believe we can contain our; frustration, bitterness, resentment, rage and anger all in one box is ludicrous.
You know what, I have been angry at the world – I still am it’s not going to disappear over night – it’s something I need to work on letting go of, not reacting – I get angry at the world for not seeing the devastation and mess we are in, for ignoring it – ignoring people – but angry serves and helps no one – only a true divine reflection does, not a righteous trying to change the world to make it a better place, but someone who lives his or her light – in full, that can turn heads by doing nothing just walking down a supermarket isle.
Burying what we really feel leads to some elaborate behaviours that once we pause, allows what’s there to surface. And it will surface in some way, as it is not of us and needs to come out just like a splinter. The doing ‘good’ I really relate to as one way I covered up the conflicting emotions of anger and hurt I felt, thinking I wasn’t ok. I felt ugly with this in my body and used this and the behaviour to numb out these emotions as evidence to say I wasn’t worthy or loveable. A game of great proportion I see many playing. And a simple return to feeling my loveliness beneath whatever is going on stops the game in its tracks.
It’s such a ‘normal’ part of life, but one we don’t like to feel. So not only have we got used to anger being around but have developed a ‘skill’ of tuning it out. This would be fine except for the simple fact that it is draining and harming to us, and can’t be dodged or dismissed. Its all matter and energy – just like us. Thank you Jill for highlighting this.
What amazingly honest true reflections that are being offered here under the vice of being nice playing good and the underlying anger at one self buried and hidden under our lives of not choosing our own love, divinity and connection to it all.
“When one of my sons would ask me, “Are you angry, Mum?” I would reply, “No, I am just a little annoyed.” I would have sworn on the Bible that I was not angry. I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.” Aren’t kids amazing, they can see the truth, feel the truth even when we are in complete denial about it. Very reassuring for them to have this confirmed which can only come when we are being truly honest with ourselves. Anger is something I verdantly denied even though I was boiling over with it.
The word ‘good’ in a reply to being asked ‘How are you?’ is actually saying… ‘thats enough… don’t ask, … ‘I’m not going there…’ not that one has to divulge a full account of detail however, it truncates expression and puts any self enquiry into the ‘too hard basket’ that then potentially get buried deep and dismissed.
The way we have been taught ‘discipline’ is a real distortion of true discipline and this is so well described in your discipline of not letting anger happen (even though it was happening). It was a strict repression when in fact discipline is an opening of ourselves up to feel everything and then align to truth. What a behaviour to have unravelled and move through. Just brilliant.
We can be so afraid to look at our emotions, like opening up a Pandora’s box! But once we start, and the momentum of our past hurts starts to clear away we realise that we are Love and that we can appreciate ourselves and each other totally and absolutely.
Shifting from focusing on a ‘good’ life to living true (based on what you feel from within) can be tricky, because it can be at times impossible to fault a life that fits the picture on one level.
Seeing through the facade of the ‘good’ is almost impossible when we are set on comparing it to the ‘bad’ we are running from. The only indication is the gnawing feeling deep inside that all is not as rosy as the perfect picture on the surface.
It can be hard for us to fathom that there is more anger in ‘nice’ than there is in the more overtly angry expressions we are so used to seeing. This is because it is pushed so far down below the surface that a huge amount of force is required to ‘put on a happy face’ and thus fool the world and perhaps even ourselves as to the extent of the sadness we are so consumed by – a sadness that comes from not living true to the love that we are.
Yes indeed. The belief that “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love” is the greatest lie of all time, keeping us away from the truth that we are in fact made of the same pure love as God.
It is interesting that we can bury certain emotions and hurts and pretend they don’t exist – I know I have done this in the past and covered it up with ‘niceness’ and ‘being good’ as well. It is such a false way to live and very exhausting trying to live up to these pictures all the time, it feels so empowering when we begin to address these hurts and emotions in an honest way and then we can begin to truly heal them and move forward feeling much lighter and more expansive.
“ANGRY? Who Me? NO WAY!” – this title Jill and the way it’s written says it all – our dishonesty is the fall of ourselves; our admission or honesty our self-salvation.
This is a very heart felt and honest sharing that exposes ‘good’ for what it is…evil.
It is amazing how we can mask the anger and say to ourselves ‘I don’t do anger’, and yet all along constantly denying what we feel and holding back on what we want to say, it’s a no brainer that something would have to give eventually – after all it’s like keeping a volcano from erupting. The trouble is if it is suppressed for too long it will turn itself onto the body and come out in the form of an inflammation issue.
I agree Julie, we can choose to ignore, play down, brush off or be downright in denial about how we really feel but eventually it comes out be it in an explosion of emotion or through illness and disease.
There seems to be so many ways to displace ones worth, when our worth is claimed it is pure joy to feel and allow a celebration of yourself.
I too thought anger was not a part of me as I had a picture of what anger looks like without allowing myself to feel. When I ignored my body and its feelings, I get the reminder from the reflections around, I kept meeting angry people! I kept condoning this abuse until it was no longer possible, wow I do feel angry for all the abuse I have accepted for a picture I have accepted as good and now this picture is down the trash can, and my life is surrounded by very loving and caring people.
This article opens my eyes that I still react with anger to some situations, when things do mot flow my way. Then I tend to see the world or people like hindrances in my way instead of appreciating what there is for me to observe and to learn.
One price we pay with hidden anger is that it is difficult, perhaps impossible, to express or receive love.
It is easy to equate being angry as being hurt or a form of protection but it must be in the body first before it comes out.
I have found that it can take longer to suppress, bury, try to deny our emotions, then to simply allow the feeling to come to the surface, observe it and then let it go. It is a loving work in progress as quite often I still choose the bury route, but when I choose the allow route, it passes much quicker and then is no longer held in my body, allowing true freedom.
When I first realised how deep my denial went over certain things and how comfortable I had got with it it was a bit of a shocker. However once accepted it has supported me to be on things more honestly since then, rather than pushing things to one side or to bury them I am far more open to looking at things as I know I never want to bury things that deeply again.
I agree Michelle, my body has shown me through various illnesses how I have buried the un dealt with things, emotions and beliefs. Being on the path of letting them go I too never want to bury things so deeply again.
‘When I look back into my early life with honesty, I remember situations where I was frustrated and angry. Strangely enough, and conveniently, I totally forgot and buried those experiences. So this denial was the way I lived a large part of my life. All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.’ – Wow Jill, I find it quite profound how you have turned this completely on its head and taken full responsibility for your own emotions and behaviours. Exquisite and a true reflection for all, that change is in fact possible. It is a choice.
That we all are worthy of god’s love, the question is to what extent do we accept this?
Yes, it is evil that makes us think we need to be good or do anything to be worthy of God’s love, because we are in essence worthy, it is impossible to be not, whatever happens.
We are very adept at burying our feelings, particularly when we are invested in being good, nice, perfect or stoic… and surely any number of these kind of facades. In many respects it’s far more honest to be the guy who punches a hole in the wall.
Angry can be so subtle in the way it is expressed or taken on. The common a saying for person that is passsive aggressive is that they seem so nice. Showing that all is totally fine but really underneath the controlled manor their this anger bubbling away and eating away at our bodies.
I know I’ve spent a lot of time angry at God but all along it was obvious I was angry with myself because it’s impossible to be angry with pure love.
I also spent a period of being angry with God, but in truth it is our self we are angry with, with the choices we have made. Only when we take responsibility and accept this, can we then change and make different choices.
Thank you Jill, this is a great sharing for how many of us live holding onto hurts/emotions and are not aware of the way these play out in our lives as we have learnt to manage them by being good and benevolent. Allowing ourselves to feel what is there to be felt without judgement is a start and to let go of those pictures we hold about another about the ways we need them to be, for holding onto those will always keep us at the mercy of others instead of the flow from our soul.
I love how you ‘outed’ the nastiness of being ‘good’ Jill – it is like a sticky blanket of ‘goo’ laid on top of the simplicity of truth. Yet when we call it out it we can see it has no power over us at all and we can return to the truth that never left us.
Yes, it is a lie that looks as if it is true. That is pernicious.
Your blog is so revealing, as it shows we have a part of us that thinks we are .. “I alright thanks … I have no issues…” yet if we stop and dig a little deeper, it is interesting how we can bury or deny something that makes us sad, angry or frustrated…A little honesty is the best service to our body.
The fact you are aware of the anger is a blessing in itself.
I hadn’t realised I had so much anger when I tried to control everything in protection from being hurt. Some of my colleagues used to refer to me as carrying a ‘chip’ on my shoulder – I don’t know where that saying was first coined.
Since the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom, I am learning more about myself and who I am and who I am not, and it isn’t always pretty. My anger has dissolved a lot more that people are noticing and from time to time if I go into a bout of it, boy does my body cop it – it has become unnatural for me to be angry anymore.
It was a great revelation for me to realise that even being mildly annoyed by something was still anger and resulted in the same hardening in my body as more obvious signs of being angry.
We can still carry traces of emotion within us even when we think we have dealt with it all. I had an experience recently with someone on the phone which was very unexpected and totally out of context. It caught me off guard and I realsied in that moment how I had not been fully present when I took the call in order to let it affect me in the way that it did. Had I not had a reaction to it, I could have offered the person on the other end of the phone a reflection to ponder on rather than actually fuelling the already lit flame. A reminder to me that there really is no ‘off time’ in terms of the responsibility we have to stay connected to who we are.
Reading this again makes me wonder about behaviours that I assume are unexplainable-is there an emotion or feeling being denied or ignored behind/underneath the behaviour?
Hear, hear to what you share here Jill. This ideal of being and doing good is not the same as being true and expressing truth and no amount of good will reconnect us to God. Like you, I am so thankful for the blessing Serge Benhayon has brought us all and the Ageless Wisdom he shares, that is within each and every one of us. We are here to reconnect to Oneness with God, not to beg his mercy and forgiveness though penitence and good deeds in the hope that he will allows us into Heaven. God gives us the fullness of his blessings constantly – and it is for us to accept them when we choose to.
Such a wondering opening to the blog Jill:’ Angry? Who Me? NO WAY! Or that is what I thought. I would run a mile from anger, even from myself.’ This communication in itself is a great warning to all of us to be open to looking at that thing which repulses us most! Usually what repulses us is very significant in our own baggage as you have so well written about here. The thing that really gets me is complication – precisely because that is what I myself was doing and had been doing for a long time. Instead of going to the simplicity of truth!
We can be angry, aggressive, violent and what not else, but underneath all of that is just sadness, sadness and pain.
How insidious is this ‘cap of goodness’ which keeps us in the illusion that we have to be a certain way to be loved. We become preoccupied with ‘doing good’ which is really only a way of looking for approval from outside and we stop being spontaneous and cement ourselves into this belief that we have to do good to be good enough, and we separate further and further from the love within. No wonder we get angry, but the ‘cap of goodness’ does not allow us to feel what we are feeling.
Being good is very similar as being nice, it covers all the frustration and anger that is underneath but not spoken because ‘we have to be good and nice to our fellow brothers’ yet if we do consider energy and that all the frustration and anger is still there only not yelled at the other person but said nicely, you get the picture of the harm being good and nice does. It is like cyber abuse, nobody sees the harm that is done by the words typed yet there is harm and hugely so. You can better have someone angry yelling at you as it is clear what is happening, nice and good are hiding the actual emotion that can be coming at you.
Wow! Lieke this has so many ramifications and we are only seeing the tip of the ice-berg when we look at the typed words as so much more could be going on? I absolutely agree that cyber abuse cause great harm and needs to be policed. “It is like cyber abuse, nobody sees the harm that is done by the words typed yet there is harm and hugely so.” Then could it be possible if we feel into whoever is being dishing out that the anger or rage over the internet, which is committing cyber abuse that they have bottled up there own emotional issues and need help? When this is understood then maybe the detractor on the internet will be the one who is needing to get help from true healing and there subject will understand it has never been there issue, so they do not take on another’s issues?
Yes understanding can bring so much more harmony to our relationships and it would not be a war of reactions as it now so often is.
I used to think some people were simply very angry people, whereas I now understand they have learned to behave in an angry way and they are not that anger themselves. I can also see the anger and resentment I have had against others and how it is so hurtful to ourselves to be in this way. Being good and doing good is not being our true selves either as you and I have learned Jill, life is a forever learning to evolve and grow
Jill, I have just re-read your blog and once again I absolutely love how you have shared so honestly about the process you went through in allowing yourself to really feel what was there to be felt. This is so inspiring and in your writing your absolutely delicate and beautiful nature can be felt.
That all that doing good had amounted to nothing and was a lie is standing out to me today as I contemplate how much I’ve invested in what isn’t from love but from a need for recognition or to be loved when I haven’t chosen to be the love that I am myself. There is more to this if I allow myself the awareness to what I have been choosing and then the letting go of these investments.
Can we all ponder back in our life and find the point where we stopped expressing? It is the cork that stops us expressing what we feel. We become a pressure cooker on legs just waiting to reach our max pressure and release everything that has built up within us usually at some small thing that gets the wrath of all the repressed anger in one hit.
The beautiful thing about God, is that no matter how angry we get – he never ceases in his love for us, a love that always returns us back to ourselves and thus to him.
It certainly is very destructive Elizabeth. In my experience when someone is in rage or anger they are pretty much unapproachable and they have the ability to create much harm.
As a child I grew up in a very angry environment and I remember feeling very anxious, but what stood out for me was how the energy of anger destroys any possibility of connection.
Great sharing Jill. What I loved about it is how you noticed in detail the changes in your body when you expressed in writing what you were feeling; super powerful.
It is incredible to read about your acceptance of the feelings as they came that morning when you were reading about commitment; it would have been familiar and easy to go for another cover up and distraction, but your commitment to change is inspiring.
I was similar Jill in that I never thought anger was something I ‘did’, frustration definitely, but not anger. Once I understood however that it is the emotion we use to harden the body in protection I could relate very much. It has been a go-to of mine without a doubt, and still is on occasions. Of course protection is an illusion as I hurt myself far more by being so, than if l’d allowed myself to feel in full the hurts I was feeling.
So beautifully said Jenny – it is only a perceived protection that we get from hardening and in the end all we do is just stop ourselves from feeling anything. Not feeling is like turning a blind eye to what is happening – it does not mean things stop happening when we close our eyes, it just means that we don’t see the damage that is happening and this can be far worse on the long run. Denial is not a river in Egypt.
So true Henrietta, and in my experience that damage doesn’t go away until we finally address and heal the hurt at it’s root… which is seldom the experience we might nominate as the cause, but usually something much further back into childhood at the very least, if not something we can then see has been carried forward by us into life. This is what taking responsibility for our hurts (and therefore our protection) really means for me… understanding that I set them up by what I carry about people and life, demanding they be a certain way (or else l’ll be hurt). Quite an intricate dynamic we have at play… for what and why is the next question. 😉
We are taught that to be good, selfless, kind, nice and to put others first are virtues to be admired – but when we do them out of a need to be recognised as good, out of a lack within ourselves, because we don’t know how to stand up and say no and not be pushed around then we can begin to fester feelings of hurt, resentment, frustration and anger – and although hard to admit to they do not make us bad people they just show us where we need to work on the way we are in life.
Jill thank you. I can relate to what you share, I too had my gallbladder out from years and years of unexpressed rage resentment and frustration, it had no where to go so my gallbladder got it and became sick. I am so grateful for the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for I would not have looked at how I was living, not expressing how I was feeling, which would have lead to this going deeper into my body and manifesting as another illness. Most of the time I saw others as being right therefore not expressing yet inside I knew what felt true for me yet didn’t express it. This has now changed, I now listen to my body and inner knowing and express more and more.
‘denial was the way I lived a large part of my life. All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.’ Absolutely my life too Jill, until I met Serge Benhayon and through the teachings of Universal Medicine, could start to look at my life honestly and truly.
It’s interesting to consider just how many of us may have these unresolved feelings of anger or other buried emotions inside us and just how they may still be affecting us now. With this consideration it seems entirely possible that we are so often dealing with these aspects of other people rather than their true essence, this reveals some of the reason why we do live together as we would naturally without buried emotions and hurts. Re-connecting to our essence allows us to feel underneath and begin to realise that we have a natural way of being in which we are all naturally in harmony with each other.
“A little annoyed” is anger. There is no difference unless it is frustration, which is a bit different.
Beautifully observed Jill: ‘I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love.’ This dynamic links directly into the punishment/reward paradigm of thought which has brought about the whole perverting slant of ‘perpetrator and vicim’ and sado-masochism. The level of punishment this card has dealt out to us as a race is astonishing. No wonder so may of us want to be ‘good’, to avoid this punishment that we ourselves are dealing out! The whole school system is an outer reflection of the way we live internally.
Our bodies are amazing at letting go energies that do not belong. Even energies that feel intense at the time, our bodies can clear them if we stay present. Then we are free to be.
It was so easy for me to hide my anger and many times I would be biting my tongue so there was no emotional out burst. Also on so many occasions I would totally deny I was angry and that I had no emotions at all when in truth I was an emotional wreck with my nerves always being on edge. Pandering was also a way that I would deal with my inability to find relief from the emotional turmoil I was in, so that on the surface everything seemingly was okay but in reality I was a shipwreck waiting to happen.
‘All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing. I had been sold a lie.’ Our spirit is the one who lies to us about being connected to God.Through our inner-heart and by reconnecting and feeling the truth that can come through us from our Soul the lies are seen for what they are.
I had many occasions too Greg when I completely denied I was angry, to the point I didn’t even consider I was ever angry… it just wasn’t my thing in my view, nor within my family. Giving myself permission to feel so much more of what’s true for me these days I can recognise there has always been quite a degree of it, and being nice was a seemingly great cover for it. Denying it didn’t help me at all even though I thought it was good to keep the peace… but really it just allowed things that weren’t right to continue unabated and without the potential disturbance my truer expression might have caused.
Spot on Jenny, hiding our emotions definitely never serves us and when we learn to speak with true expression, our emotions take a back seat and never get a look in. True expression from Love has no affect on the one who delivers because when Love is expressed it has a Unifying quality so is equally there for everyone.
Yes… it is true. It does take quite a bit of work on oneself however to reach a point where we can express from love. It is a great marker when we can manage it for the times when we have reacted and are in emotion. I find I can then pull myself up, knowing it is not helping anyone to express from this.
So true Jenny, it is like pulling the wool of the sheep’s eyes, once the light of day is seen it becomes simple to clock emotions and nominate them for not being true so they have no hold on us.
Agreed, it is very freeing from the sort of complications and struggles that arise from bringing emotions into the mix. I also find if I am not emotional, not only do I make far more sense, but the other person can listen to what l’m saying without defensiveness.
This is absolutely correct; our awareness goes up when we all take our shackles off and feel the freedom that comes from not indulging in our reactions, which brings in the emotional issues.
Yes also true Greg, when we’re emotional it is much harder to see things with clarity, even though we will often think we are in complete clarity. Thinking we are right, and having understanding and clarity are very different things however, and once we’re caught in being right (and therefore the other is wrong), we have lost our way. If this simple fact were understood and taught our relationships at every level would be much more harmonious.
When we show others true respect and decency we lose the urge to set off on the path of right or wrong so it is correct to say ‘our relationships at every level would be much more harmonious’.
Yes that’s very true Greg, with that respect and decency comes an appreciation of the other, of what they bring that is of value. It’s much harder to be dismissive or opposing with someone who you have developed a deep appreciation for.
Spot on Jenny, when we live with appreciation from the platform of decency and respect there is nowhere for the anger to take a hold, so we feel much more harmonious in our bodies. Could it be that harmony is far more rewarding to society than seeking peace? And that peace is a simple substitute that is one step away from anger?
Yes but we do have to ask why we (as a society) haven’t chosen true harmony when it is natural and known to us really, but instead have settled for the lesser version of peace. This comes back to an individual choice in fact, and the need to look at where we have each done this in our own lives. If we do it there, we will not call for it to be any different on a community or a global scale.
As you stated above Jenny, we “have settled for the lesser version of peace.” So when looking for an answer to anything the lying spirit stands out and this is stated above. “Our spirit is the one who lies to us about being connected to God. Through our inner-heart and by reconnecting and feeling the truth that can come through us from our Soul the lies are seen for what they are.” Then we as a community, we can stand up against the lies and find that with our consistent movement back to the Soul, which provides a transparent life that is simple and everyone can see how to live that way.
Absolutely Greg, and all this begins with each of us doing so for ourselves.
So true Jenny, we do do it for our-self, but it is great to seek the help, love and guidance from an Esoteric practitioner who has healed their own issues with anger.
Denying ourselves feeling frustrated or angry does not address the issue, it simply buries it. When we work on what happened before those reactions, and feel deeper into what has happened, we can heal and let go of the reactions and move on. Our path back to ourselves is what we are here to do and we grow in our evolution.
Yes, Jill. Feeling let down by God is a very convenient story that keeps us in absolute irresponsibility and delays the joyful re-union with Him that awaits us all.
“…believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love…” This is one that trips up most people… the age old tension between ‘being good’ and ‘being true’.
Being nice reminds me of smoking marijuana as this supposedly makes people very ‘relaxed’, ‘chilled’ and ‘calm’ but in fact also bury the real emotions very deeply including anger, meaning these smokers are also not what they appear.
Oh yes Michael, I remember inhabiting the haunts of marijuana and being repulsed by that ambience but imagining I should join in the be ‘cool’. One of the ‘cool’ set once called me ‘that uncool chick’ because I was feeling enthusiastic about something – and I could see myself looking to calibrate with the so-called norm of ‘calm relaxed and chilled’. It didn’t help that one of my weaknesses is ‘racy’! I was;t able to fit in that particular box and I soon stopped smoking.
That is true. When I see a long-term marihuana smoker my first impression is usually of a very angry person, even when they are polite and friendly.
We have been exposed to so much about God that is untrue, layers of separation from a natural relationship with God and the universe which occurs at all moments, even if we deny it or try to control what it means. We are part of the universal cycle / plan and we have a relationship with God in every moment through our divine essence, our soul.
Good, bad, right, wrong, angry, nice.. are they not all reactions to not living true to our natural expression? How many of us have blamed God for our own irresponsibility.
‘I would run a mile from anger, even from myself.’ – You have captured it very well here, the way we are able to not feel our own anger is that we are running away from ourselves, i.e. we distract ourselves and are not present in our bodies.
I feel that in this lifetime one emotion that I needed to address was anger – in the past I have avoided anger at any cost – a cost that I can feel in my body. I became a people pleaser and as a child repressed my joy rather than be accused of showing off. Then later in life I made another contract where I was given messages that confirmed that anger would not be tolerated and consequently when I could stand it no longer I would erupt and lash out at innocent bystanders. As I learnt to express my true feelings I realised that the emotional outbursts were subsiding and I was coming back to being the true me that was there all along.
Yesterday while putting my make-up on I was more aware of little lines around my top lip to me this was a reflection that I was holding onto bitterness. I carried on in my day not thinking anything more of it. Halfway through the day I noticed how I was reacting to something in my body and when I felt into this more I could feel there was resentment about a situation at work. I was shocked to feel this but it was good as I could call it out so it could not stay in my body any longer. This also showed me just how insidiously subtle these emotions can be to the point where we don’t even think we have them or are shocked when we do eventually feel them! I could then understand if I did have bitterness this would be the reason why .. many moments of resentment I had not felt or dealt with and so in time had built up into …. bitterness! Gosh I have learned so much from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
What a blessing!
I can totally relate to ‘being the good girl’ starting this choice very young in the family. I played this card for a very long time in different situations. Recently I felt the anger, frustration and absolute fruitlessness of this choice, and I trust it is a choice I never make again.
Awareness is so key… as soon as I ‘fessed up to myself about those roles I took on, they had less grip over me and I was freer to choose differently.
That is the beauty of awareness, we are free to choose.
‘Good’ is a huge and very dense smoke screen for irresponsibility.
I too would deny I felt angry, but I turned the anger inwards and it showed up in my nail biting habit, which I had for about fifty years!! Which then dissolved when i began to love and care more for myself – through the learning I gained from Universal Medicine – amazing!
I have anger in me, it’s not me, but a deep sadness I don’t want to feel at times, so I harden to not feel it – eh viola anger. It’s not obvious or displayed outwardly – I don’t raise my voice or shout. (maybe once a year and that’s generally to myself ) but there is an underlying anger / really sadness in me. I often get outraged at other people’s choices – which doesn’t help me or anyone else. It leaves me in reaction and exhausted. Instead of just seeing that’s how life is and people can be. I think that’s part of the sadness – seeing how unloving and uncaring the world is. I’ve liked or wanted to pretend for years that it’s really not that bad, wearing blinkers, trying to make everything okay, but really we are in a mess and many of us like it. A bit like pigs wallowing in mud.
I used to be very quietly spoken, always putting other people 1st, very polite etc.. but it was all a form of niceness. And then every so often I would explode with anger because I had been suppressing so much of what I was feeling.
I am sure many can relate to this Jill – this feeling of being good rather bring who we all naturally are – sons of God.
Wasting time thinking that God will only love us if we are ‘good’ is futile but many wasted lives have happened, hooked on this belief. Being true to who you are is the only direct path to God; ‘good’ takes you off track.
Gosh yes Samantha I can totally relate to ‘being good’ rather that living who I am. What a waste of lifetimes trying to be good enough for God to love me, when in truth we are all from love and its simply about living that truth from within.
I too held a grudge against God, and thanks to Universal Medicine I have been able to heal the hurt of feeling abandoned by God, by seeing that it was me that left Him by shutting down my heart to His ever-present Love.
So true Janet, God never leaves us and thanks a part of us has stayed connected we are returning to be the Sons of God.
In my younger, especially my teenage, years I hurled my anger towards my parents or my brother. When I decided to stop that behaviour I suppressed the anger with the belief that anger is very bad and I can’t feel anger. Both aren’t true. Understanding supports me a lot. Even though I still choose often to deny the fact that I am angry, when I choose understanding I can feel how that actually brings me back to me. Allowing myself to support me in this way is new. It is allowing myself to be (very, very) sensitive. Very often there’s sadness underneath, which I feel is lovely to release, let out. I am super sensitive and I am learning to be proud of that. Anger and hardness and other emotions just prevent me from not feeling. Thank you for this beautiful and honest blog Jill.
“I am super sensitive and I am learning to be proud of that. ” Beautiful and so true. I am learning not to judge the emotions I feel too as a recent experience showed me the harm that is caused by denying the fact that I experience emotions such as rage, anger, sadness etc. It is far more loving to claim our emotions and understand them and why they are with us.
It’s so true. Hurling our anger about isn’t the way, but neither is burying it and pretending it doesn’t exist. There is a middle way as you describe which is an acknowledgement of how we are feeling, and allowing ourselves to feel it, but not act on it or express with it. It’s true that sadness is often underneath, and if we allow ourselves to feel it we can release it and clear it.
It’s amazing how our bodies show us the way. They cannot lie. Even if something has been buried it eventually comes out in one way or another. So often we see it as an inconvenience, but this is the way we heal, and it is true and it is honest.
When things from the past come up as you say they may not always be pleasant to feel but ultimately anything which is not love that we have stored in our bodies has to come up for us to let go of the moment we choose love. The key as you say is to embrace it and so allow more space for love.
Buried emotions are the cause of illness and disease, So the first step to healing is to learn to expose them and feel them.
I was one who thought that I was really laid back, no anger what so ever, so learning that everything is energy and that energy is stored in the body if not felt – I had a pretty painful liver when it was first worked on – was such an eye opener and a release at the same time. We don’t all know it yet but all of mankind needs to wake up to the fact we all need healing to address honestly what we are holding onto.
““I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence.” And so we get caught on the hamster wheel of ‘Good’, forever attempting to make up for something that in fact we are not. Within us lies the essence of God, joyful, wise, deeply loving. When a so-called religious authority wants to deem us as ‘sinners’, it simply proves that what it is preaching is the exact opposite of the truth.
Sure Susan; take anger of sadness for instance, you can see it in the posture of someone’s body as when unresolved it buries in the body and by doing that configures the body energetically which in turn will also change the physical which you can see in on’es posture or way of moving. We all know this as we all can read energy and body postures, but the question in this is, do we want to read and see it as it is not only exposing the person we are with but also ourselves, that we actually are living a lie, a lie in a world we have created and is void of any truth. Becoming honest to this reality will make space in us to clear the hurts we hold from us being obedient to these lies that have been presented to us.
“I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love” is one of the teachings from the christian religions which is a complete lie; a lie which, as so clearly described in this blog, looks after burying our natural way of being, that is in direct connection with God instead. Not that strange that anger builds up when we do not expose this teaching to be a lie but instead buy in to this false belief as we do want to fit into the way all other people are.
I find even a permanently angry person can deny their anger – the way they move when they deny the anger contradicts them but they can easily be sure that they are not angry at that moment. In my experience we all can be quite unaware at times.
I find it very powerful when I uncover an old, buried emotion. All the emotion requires is to be felt and then we have a choice whether the emotion should still stay relevant.
We are the same incredible love in our essence as the God we come from, yet man made religion and it’s sets of ideas about who we are actually can impose beliefs that are otherwise. True religion, which lives inside us, shows us who we are and what we are part of.
Jill, what’s so inspiring about your post is that it shows that [being in your 70’s] it’s never too late to start looking at yourself and changing the quality of that towards being honest and self-loving.
Very true Zofia – it is never too late. I come across people who suggest it is too late to change due to age, but could that be an excuse to not have to take responsibility for our own choices?
‘As I was reading the words about commitment, I felt tears of sadness welling inside of me’ – it was very profound reading how you connected with your body and felt all that was being presented to you, Jill, feeling in full everything that had been suppressed as a result of buying into a lie. What was so beautiful was how easily you let go of these emotions, once you were prepared to go there. Shows how we don’t need to stay burdened as a result of our false ideals and beliefs, we just need to be honest and work with our bodies to unveil what is there that doesn’t belong.
‘Over time, as I accepted that there must be some truth in what was said, I chose to open up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, they were lurking somewhere deep inside.’ – what a gift you gave yourself, Jill, by just choosing to be open to the possibility that what you had always believed to be true, may in fact not be the truth at all.
Thank you Jill for bringing this topic to the fore. As a child I was not encouraged to have an angry outburst but instead would bottle things up. It is interesting that Only certain people picked up on this ” hidden” anger or so I thought! Having had many Esoteric Healings through Universal Medicine Practitioners but most would have seen this anger and some expressed this also to me. I have learnt through the many years of listening to Serge Benhayon how to let go of this anger and find my true self within.
The feeling of unworthiness can be based on many things – for some it is a feeling of not doing enough, for others a feeling of not being pretty enough, but these are all based on external things, when we can feel deep inside our bodies, there is a beauty that is natural and complete.
This feels like a true commitment Jill, a commitment to claiming the truth of who you are – a child of God – and a commitment to embracing the energetic responsibility that follows from being willing to accept God and all the love he is, that you and we all come from. “and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image… Of this I am worthy.”
Pandering, molly coddling, being nice, buttering people up all feel superficially soft but when you feel into the truth of them, there is an underlying steeliness.
True Alexis, it can be an absolute art form that people pride themselves on.
Graffiti feels energetically more accurate!
‘I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love…’ is a huge Christian concept that is drummed into congregations from birth. Being brought up as a Catholic I never quite understood, ‘being a sinner’ as it didn’t relate to what I felt, yet the constant bombardment of this concept was like a trickle of water and the belief seeped in that I was unworthy and not good enough.
I have also been very angry at certain stages in my life and chosen to bury this – it did of course come up as I have chosen to let go of those things I have held onto from the past – nothing can stay buried forever.
At times it can be hard to admit to a feeling or emotion – we would rather push it aside, ignore it and carry on. I know for me this was because i thought that to admit it was there made me a bad person for feeling it or thinking it – I was so ready to beat myself up and had so little self worth that the prospect of admitting something was wrong felt to much – and yet what I have come to realise is that I am not inherently flawed or broken and that those emotions I may chose are not who I truly am.
Wow Jill, this is great. I spent much of my life being nice, being good and in absolute denial that I had any anger, but I did. It wasn’t until I started to allow myself to know this that it began to clear and heal and now I no longer have the pain in my body that I used to.
This is a great expose Jill of the evil of good as promoted by christianity… its not about good – life is all about truth.
Repressed and unresolved emotions are our primary cause of disharmony in the body… and as such, underpin so much of our illness and disease. Until we start taking responsibility for the things we take on in life, the body will continue to show us that it is in fact not normal nor healthy to do so.
To commit to what is needed to live the divine precious beings we are brings up a lot and growing up with the Christian belief myself I have become aware how much of this ‘being a sinner’ and from there ‘doing good’ is still in my body. Reading your blog is facing this truth and you inspire me to have a deeper look of what is there in my body I am still holding onto so I won’t have to commit in full.
I worked on a lot of suppressed anger in my body, to be were I am today. We have to deal with this before we can be free of it to move on. Now I feel a beautiful joy in my body as I allow life to unfold without any buried anger in my body.
It’s fascinating how when we go into an emotion like rage, anger, lust or sadness, our body’s movements become SO different and a complete reflection of that emotion as opposed to anything that resembles our own way of walking, talking or even breathing. Could it be however, that we change our movements FIRST and then get the mental load come in about how we feel enormous anger towards a certain person, etc.?
I pander to other people – because I want everything to be okay, I want everyone to love one another and want everyone to live in a way I know we all can. But it doesn’t work, firstly it drains and exhausts me, it stops me from seeing the full truth of just how rotten this world and we are and lastly it’s imposing, I need to let people be where they are, still love them, but respect and observe their choices. And not let myself get so affected by them.
“I went into pandering as a way of life to keep myself safe by attending to other people’s needs, keeping myself hidden and hoping thereby to keep everything peaceful.” And so we create coping strategies that bury what we truly feel and enable us to keep ‘papering over the cracks’. Not a true strategy for a joyful life or a true society, one that sooner or later as no other option but to manifest as a major disease in our bodies.
‘this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak’ How good we have become in playing a role we deem as ‘good’ and burying ever more deeply all what we are truly feeling and how we react to the world around us. It is as if we have written a code book in which it is detailed description of how we can and cannot be to be accepted and function in our societies. This book is personal to all but has one thing in common…it is always a far cry from who we truly are.
What you share her Jill is very familiar to me. I have very much related to the belief that ‘I am not worthy of Gods love for I am a sinner’ in the past. I also relate to the ‘being and doing good’ to ‘earn my place in Heaven’. What occurs to me today, with a new understanding and relationship with God is that there is no ‘being worthy’ in God’s eyes for when a being is pure love, there is no judgment of one over another. A truly loving Father allows his children free-will, not to punish them, but so they can choose and find their own way. It would be a perverse ‘god’ who gives his children free-will and then punishes them for using it would it not – and the God I know is not perverse and does not punish but beholds us all in his love. It is for us to accept his love and surrender to it – when we are ready to do so.
Jill I can also relate with the efforts you put in to being good, how through being good you felt that would bring you a deeper connection to God. For me being good was what I thought would win people over and therefore I would feel better because other people would feel better about me, what I also realised is that massively continued to my inner anger as I kept denying my truth. In the end I have learnt and continue to learn that truth and good are two very different things.
Recognising that we don’t feel ‘right’ and becoming more aware of how we are really feeling inside are the first steps to healing.
Amazing how our children know energy and can read it really well and so it is super important to honour what they are feeling and be honest about how we are feeling with our children as adults, otherwise they learn to shut down what they are feeling and so the cycle continues through every generation.
I had spent 20 years working in a prison, in maintenance. We were appreciated by the inmates, because we fixed what they broke, it was job security because nothing wore out from age so there was always a steady amount of work. Over the years the number of people that were guests of the government that were our extended guests that were there because of repressing their anger and having it finally being released at the wrong time and place, was a vast majority of them. Most were Clarke Kents with an evil Superman inside.
When anger courses through me it feels like a force that just takes over and l have to just sit and wait it out until it passes in myself and or in others. What l do is tell myself not to take it personally if it’s coming at me and try to move gently and with loving presence if l can feel it coursing through me. If l continue to feel it but make self loving choices at the same time l can usually let it go much sooner. It feels so foreign to my body and yet so familiar. Sometimes we can be addicted to feeling these emotions as a way to feel alive and activated within. However when it passes you can feel the devastation in the body for days. Not to mention the aftermath on every one else involved.
It is so interesting learning about the different organs and how they are related to different emotions such as anger, frustration and bitterness not to mention sadness. Until this is known right across the medical scene will we ever really understand health?
Jill ‘keeping the peace’ at all costs has been something that I have invested in for a very long time. What has kept this investment going is a kind of unspoken and unexamined dread of conflict. Growing up in an environment where nobody raised their voice even when they were angry, contributed to me taking on beliefs about what constitutes a ‘happy family’ without questioning what I was taking on. It is now very apparent to me that the non expression of anger does not necessarily mean that it’s not there.
That is dreadfully evil indeed Jill and I like it how you cut this evil energy out of your body. You showed with your honest words that there is a possible way even if this – “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” is so deep down buried. I am sure there are more people out there who have had buried this same energy deep in their bodies and perhaps they find what you have shared as an inspiration to cut it out as well.
With me it wasn’t anger, it was joy. I had no idea I could be joyful, be with people and regularly experience joy with others.
“I could feel a strange energy coming down my arm and into my writing hand, making my writing scrawled. As the energy of rage and anger was being felt I had the urge to push the pen and the full stop right through the page” – i can recall the times few years ago now in wanting (for no special reason) to be able to shout out/scream in my loudest pitch voice as if for something to come up and out of my body. I remember feeling the anxiousness of emotions living inside me …and the unnaturalness, uncomfortableness and incongruity in not expressing one’s true self.
Yes Jill, the sadest part of this whole situation is not that we do or don’t have anger, but that we learn to block out and deny what we feel inside. Yes there is much more to anger than what we think, but a crucial first step to understanding this is to admit finally, it exists.
I agree Joseph – it’s not about whether what we feel is right or wrong but simply honestly acknowledging what it is we are actually feeling.
It is true evil for any institutionalised religion to deem people as unworthy of God’s love as evil is the separation from our Godly divine self.
‘All buried under the false ideal of the ‘good’.’ – the word ‘good’ certainly covers a multitude of sins. It feels like in truth ‘good’ is actually the antithesis of what we think, or tell ourselves, it is. Meaning, we may be under the illusion that being ‘good’ is a positive way to be, when in fact, it is the opposite as it’s a controlled and learnt behaviour that completely masks and suppresses how we are truly feeling, a behaviour that is meeting an ideal that is perceived to be positive thing and meeting other people’s expectations – but it is false. I have come to realise, there is no truth in ‘good’.
I so appreciate all that is being unraveled in blogs such as this, giving us all an opportunity to feel exactly what we have chosen to buy into with all the pictures, ideal and beliefs that we may have held for years, lifetimes even. It’s amazing to be exposing the falseness of how we have and maybe still are choosing to live. Until we are able to connect with the truth, nothing can or will change.
It’s quite fascinating how much we can lie to ourselves even when others can plainly feel the truth, your example illustrates this self deception very well: “When one of my sons would ask me, “Are you angry, Mum?” I would reply, “No, I am just a little annoyed.” I would have sworn on the Bible that I was not angry. I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.”
You have so well described the madness of the game we have been involved in Jill – always using some further lie to offset the original lie that we are not beloved and loving Sons of God and living that!
By understanding the language that our body speaks we get to uncover layers that we may have buried for lifetimes. Nothing escapes the body as it is the one who is carrying it and never will it cease to communicate about it. All we need to do is be willing to listen.
I can relate to what you say about anger not being an accepted thing to feel and how we tend to find other words for it to not have to admit what we actually feel in that moment. Suppressed anger is toxic and not something we would want to hang onto.
Well said Eva – once we feel the protection of anger then we have to feel what the anger is protecting, which is usually a sadness and devastation from the fact that we have stepped away from our inner knowing.
And yet we choose to for years and lifetimes. Until we finally realise that we can make another choice.
Suppressed anger is what I lived with for years and years and the reason why I was able to deny it’s existence was because I worked tirelessly to cover it up. I knew that if I missed a strenuous exercise class or a night out partying that I would start to feel the prickle of irritation that would alert me to the fact that all was not as I pretended it to be.
To be able to clear such anger is a wonderful thing, but even more beautiful is to be able to “..come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…”
Thanks Jill
It’s interesting to me in that many people that I have spoken to about charity – about the fact that its whole foundation is based upon people’s selfish desire to try to re-balance the irresponsibility of their own lives – absolutely agree and can absolutely see that as being the truth…and yet we still carry on. The momentum of ‘being nice’, ‘doing good’ is so pervasive and gigantic that for anyone to contemplate swimming against that tide can be very hard. The true evil that many religious have brought to this world will one day soon be exposed.
Without indulging it is vital that we get to the roots of these emotions so that we can heal them once and for all. The Sacred Esoteric Healing takes us to the organs of these emotions so that we can have a very ‘direct’ relationship with them and really dig for the truth – as long as we are open to that.
Learning where and how we store different emotions in our body through Sacred Esoteric Healing has been one of the most empowering and supportive tools I use everyday.
Anger is so often covered over by ‘nice.’ I know this one well, although I wasnt aware of the anger and resentment running underneath for a long time – it wasnt directed outwards, but inwards at myself!
That is true. The remarkable thing is that it can be very plain for others to see and experience what is underneath the niceness even if the person itself doesn’t seem to know until they suddenly express a large amount of anger.
Yes I know this one too Paula – we tend to think of anger as explosive with lots of shouting, aggression and banging doors etc but anger can also be silent and passive and more inwardly directed. However it is still anger and in terms of the body and other people it causes the same harm to both.
I have found from experience that whenever I deny having a certain reaction or emotion shown to me by another’s behaviour, I always – guaranteed – find that I do have the same reaction or emotion – always!
It may have a different flavour or play out in a different way, but fundamentally it is exactly the same.
We are such awesome reflections for each other.
I can relate to what you’re sharing here, Paula, if someone calls me out on something, I can instantly feel the truth in what is being shared, but, equally, I feel the arrogance of my spirit in it’s obstinance to want to show that I recognise the truth, I can literally feel it squirming trying to come up with a defence. Rather than fighting this, I’ve learnt to observe what is going on and then it’s an easier step to accept the truth and healing that has been offered to me.
Anger is something that I have definitely felt in others, sitting just underneath the veneer of niceness. It reminds me the of the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood that sat in Grandmas bed, dressed in a bonnet and bed jacket, waiting for Little Red Riding Hood to come home.
We don’t realise how our ingrained patterns, reactions, self expression and behaviours resemble something that is not who we are but we call it who we are – to avoid feeling we are run by reactions and not our Soul.
Simply loved that Jill. Son of God claiming all they are. It was a blessing to read.
It is great how your sons reflected to you that they could feel your anger and offered you the choice to acknowledge it. For me it is revealing of how often I have been offered those reflections and still chosen to hold onto an emotion with all the resulting collateral damage to myself and others. For me putting on a facade of niceness covered up so much and as I start to let it go I am releasing so much and feeling so much lighter and more joyful.
This made me laugh, how many times do we flat out refuse to admit something we know is true, such as we are angry, or we’re not as good as we pretend to be? It’s so much simpler if we just tell the truth, and with that honesty we can begin to address and change things.
We often have the notion that if we can ignore an emotional feeling to a situation then it has been dealt with however this is not the case. While there has been such an emotional reaction it is in our body until we choose a path of healing to release it and understand the root cause of the initial reaction and emotional outplay from it.
I also denied that I hold anger inside of me for a very long time, it’s not just anger but aggression as well so I know how painful they are to store, it is amazing that you have finally come to a place where you’re able to let go of that ❤
Its amazing how an emotion can lay dormant for so long until something triggers it and then it can errupt as a volcano out of nowhere. I have experienced this myself at times, and would never have thought of myself as being angry about anything. But it just shows how forceful and harming these emotions are, and yes they may lay dormant in the body, but what are they doing to us physically if they are lying there smouldering away? There surely has to be some kind of knock on effect.
I can so relate to what being in complete denial feels like – I have done this with so many things. This denial comes from clinging so hard to the pictures and ideals we take on in lieu of not being met and connected with, but it keeps feeding the emptiness and so we cling harder to the illusion created, until one day the pain of this becomes too much and we are almost forced into the humility of knowing how imperfect we are and what we have chosen to disconnect from.
Yes, the process of bringing up and out buried and unresolved emotions can be powerful indeed, but such a relief to the body who has had to work so hard to keep a lid on it all! We spend so much more ‘blood, sweat and tears’ not dealing with our hurts, than when we finally let them go.
I used to be the same about being anxious – despite the fact I lived with near constant levels of anxiety that would peak to panic attacks, it took a very long time for me to admit to myself that it was there and was not normal – I had developed great coping mechanisms but it didn’t make it go away nor did it lessen the affect it had on my body. It was only by admitting it that I could actually turn and face the issue to deal with it and I am now worlds away from that place, with any anxiety being felt straight away because it’s not my normal any more, and being able to deal with it because I know that a) it isn’t me, it doesn’t define who I am and b) I came to realise that I was anxious all the time due to not bringing all of who I am to situations – I was holding back, not expressing and moving in a way that kept me constantly racy so I was unable to settle and feel safe in myself.
“I got to feel some of these deeply buried emotions as they surfaced, finally admitting that I did feel anger.” how incredible is it that we can bury such strong emotions to the point we deny they are there, yet they affect us every day?
With niceness we learn to cover up our actual state of being not allowing each other to see where we are at and how we truly feel. To drop this mask is a start to become honest with and get to know ourselves again.
“I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love”.
Wow, this one sentence there says it all about the mistaken beliefs I carried – as long as I can remember, there was always a strong, nagging doubt, dogging my every footstep, confirming that I had done something terribly wrong and would never be allowed to pass through ‘the gates’ to return into the arms of God. Since attending Universal Medicine presentations and re-connecting to my body and deeper awareness, this lie has been completely exposed – God never went anywhere, nor shuts anyone out with big barrier-like gates – it was I who chose individuality and went walkabout in alignment with a lesser love than I Am /we all are, in truth.
It is funny whenever I have considered myself lacking in commitment and then I realise that I am very committed to living a way that is not me and the ideals and beliefs that prevent me from connecting with me, so then I realise that actually I know what commitment is, it is simply a matter of what am I committed to!
I always felt uncomfortable around angry people and perhaps this was because they reflected a level of honesty, however harmful, that I didn’t have at the time.
I have often witnessed the opposite:uncontrolled anger with self, expressed by attacking another, not a pretty sight. There is a force behind anger that is deeply harmful, especially when the intent is to wound another with words. Always better to deal with our own unexpressed hurts and resentments, express how we feel in real time and not pent them up inside. Having the understanding that it’s supports us and others to speak our truth was a revelation in my own life. Many of us are hampered because our voices were suppressed as children and as adults we’ve become incapacitated and unable to be fully ourselves in what we say and do.
We hide in ‘doing good’ but it is deadly. We bury all that we know is harmful in the world back into our bodies, attempting to correct the ill we see by ‘doing good’ rather than by expressing the truth.
Thank you Jill, a very honest sharing of your life. It is really interesting how we can hide emotions in order to not feel the truth of where we are at and how our often ill behaviour affects us and others.
It’s amazing to learn through the Ancient wisdom how the body deals with certain emotions, like anger being stored in the liver and if left unchecked can result in liver disease or arthritis. When I came to Universal Medicine anger was a problem for me even though I would have sworn it wasn’t as well so getting honest with ourselves is the best thing we can ever do as well as stopping the good doing.
Holding onto anger is like paintball when you release it, most of the times it hits the wrong person or thing and then effects everyone and thing around them.
“Over the course of the next four years, through many healing sessions and workshops and opening up to being much more loving with myself, I got to feel some of these deeply buried emotions as they surfaced, finally admitting that I did feel anger.” – a great testimony of the fact that we aren’t able to heal ourselves overnight. That it takes time, love and commitment to feel what’s really going on on the inside. To me this blog is pure inspiration that we are able to heal our hurts. I’ve used anger mostly to protect myself in an attempt to denial my sensitivity. In which I succeeded in some way, but at the expense of my own worthiness of love and connection to myself, God and everyone else.
How deceitful can we be to ourselves that we are able to bury all those feelings into our body and believe that they are not there, that we are free of these while they are actually unconsciously and predominantly dictating and ruling our lives. These beliefs makes us less aware of what is all happening and in its continuous persuade to hide the truth of who we really are is the source of the enormous exhaustion many people are suffering from.
It’s quite beautiful to see how transformative it has been for you Jill to allow those deeply suppressed emotions to come to the surface to be healed, and is a great reminder to us all to get really honest with ourselves about how we truly feel without the need to be good, polite, or nice, which all keep us from expressing how we really feel. Even when I simply share something about my workday with my wife that I thought was not really bugging me, there has been many times when I could feel something shift and a heaviness being released in my body once I talked about it openly instead of holding it in and denying that I was feeling it in the first place.
There are a lot of people walking around and getting on with their lives with anger lurking just beneath the surface often covered up by niceness. We dare not go there because being angry does not win us any favours. And so it harbors within us, festering and eating at us from the inside, as does the enormous sadness that lies beneath the anger. The sadness of walking away from the deepest truth we know.
Jill, I was seething for a long time and yet, like you, managed to ignore the fact by pasting various things over the top of it. What ludicrous games we play that we can pretend to ourselves that we don’t feel the strong emotions that are ever present in our bodies. Not only that but we enable others to continue with their false pretences as well by investing in pictures, beliefs and ideals rather than the truth. Our entire world is set up to support each others, as well as our own elaborate lies and to quash the truth the moment that it is even so much as alluded to.
‘I did not realise at the time that I had so much buried stuff.’ – this is what is so important to expose, left untouched we are like a ticking time bomb. I have been stunned at some of the ideals and beliefs I have held as I unpack what I have buried deep inside, I am still shocking myself as I peel back another layer and discover more lies lurking beneath the surface. Very cleansing to just let them go, without judgment or reaction, if it’s not the truth, it’s not who I am and has no place in my body.
Your blog is smashing through the consciousness that we can control how we feel, exposing the truth that we are always feeling, what we control is whether we allow ourselves to be aware of what we are feeling and to express it, or whether we hold it in, bury it and pretend that it isn’t there.
Its interesting to see how we can keep ourselves ignorant of what’s truly going on inside our bodies. The falseness of this belief is holding us all in the creation of our human lives. While we are so much more than that.
“Feeling into with more understanding of the energy of the so called ‘good,’ I can now feel its disgusting nature, this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak..” – agree totally and the other one similar is ‘niceness’ – both qualities [good and nice] bear down on a person to keep them at a [‘safe’] level; a level that is so far from the origins of true and yet masquerades as being this/true – the worst evil so many of us are sucked in by.
‘I had thought I was very committed in my Christian life but commitment in my life now seemed to be so hard. It was now not about the “being good and doing good” as in the past, but about just me being me – the real and loving me.’ it is so often the case that we feel we have to commit to something outside of us but the first things we must first commit to is ourselves, being present in full and expressing all the love we are.
It is true, it is only we that can desert ourselves, God never does.
We cannot hide the anger, it is revealed in our body posture, muscles, faces, and our quality of movement. Anger makes us hard and inflexible and tightens our jaws. However much we try to bury it and lead the “good and being nice” life, it builds up into a hard crust over the years.I remember at my husband’s funeral when I was being polite and friendly to guests, a young woman said to a friend of mine “I’ve never seen anyone as angry as Joan,” and I had no idea I was angry, I had also buried it deep like Jill. It wasn’t until I met Universal Medicine, despite years of therapy, that I began to realise what I had buried, and its effects on my body, and other people, for it is dishonest and deceitful to deny our feelings.
How much we bury our emotions can be quite startling when we begin to feel them.
Thank you Jill for such a beautiful and powerful sharing, there are many people who feel they are not angry at all but their actions speak otherwise, your blog offers support and inspiration of how to deeply heal any beliefs and ideals that hold us back from being our true selves.
Every doing that doesn’t carry the love of our inner-heart is actually harming. Despite all the things TV and magazines sell us constantly.
Many of us find it difficult to commit to being our real self and expressing in truth who we actually are. Silly really, given we are that first, before we take on all the different personas we play out.
Thank you Jill for your sharing – it is true that sometimes we carry things we are not even aware of because we have buried them so deep. Wow what a huge shift for you to acknowledge how you truly felt.
The word “good” has also been a big part of my life and something I have always strived to be. But it has just been a cover up for all my suppressed feelings and has held them in my body. What an amazing healing you have had, Jill, with the realisation that being good is not necessarily a self loving way to be.
Thank you Jill for exposing one of the greatest evils on earth. Considering how old Christianity is, it makes me wonder how many billions and billions of lives have been affected by this belief that we are not worthy of God’s love? Therefore, capping us from truly connecting to God in full.
Christianity does not contain the energy of Christ, it is a flaky and fake reproduction of the real thing.
The amount of anger that I had in my body was life times and life times old, so much so that it felt as if I was not angry because it felt like an old friend, and at times I was biting my tongue so I would not explode.
As my anger slowly released through Sacred Esoteric Healing the thought arose about how could this much anger exist in one body. The realisation came from questioning is it possible that anything in the body other than love is going to be felt as some form of hurt? This for me has been found to be true healing that could take place on a deeper level once the understanding that it was me resisting love that caused the anger. Then the issues around being angry were slowly resolved as the root cause was felt and nominated.
Buried experiences are those things that weigh us down. To release them is part of the process of healing. The second part is to embrace the love that is within to fill in the hole we have just cleared out. If we do not fill ourselves up by embracing more of the love that we are, then another buried experience will only just come in to replace the one we just cleared. This is simple physics.
Sometimes it can take a while to accept that there is anger held in the body, depending on the pictures we hold of how life should be, and invest in it being a certain way. Also by disguising the anger under layers of protection only serves to fool ourselves, because is it not the case that when someone is angry we can feel that they are trying to mask the fact and pretend otherwise.
I wonder – is it possible that we actually welcome, nurture and enjoy anger? Could it be that we use it as an excuse not to be transparent and intimate? Could it be the ultimate illusion that we sell ourself and willingly buy into?
The true evil of the Christian religion brilliantly exposed.
It is incredible how frequently there is not so wonderful layer lurking under the facade of ‘good’. We often read in the papers about the shock of someone losing it and going on a rampage because they were always a perfect member of society. But such false ideals about being ‘good’ is not love, it is not harmony and it certainly is not joy. I am not surprised that after a lifetime of moulding ourselves to fit the perfect picture, something breaks in some people because this imposition erodes us all from within.
It is an absolute joy to be witnessing more and more people inspired by Serge Benhayon to reclaim the glory of their full expression and in that also inspire others to reclaim their own.
“…I remember situations where I was frustrated and angry. Strangely enough, and conveniently, I totally forgot and buried those experiences…” and these buried experiences surface in out of the body in one way or another.
Ooooooohhhhhh – I didn’t think I had the ‘sin’ thing in my body – but I do – big time, and I’ve never been one for church albeit a brief dabble when I was dating someone who went to church – I took on lots of beliefs then – but this sin thing goes way back many lifetimes – it’s old and you know the biggest one for me I’m realising is sex is a ‘sin’. That’s definitely in my body – it’s so far from the truth. But I know I’m not the only one who feels this, I’ve heard of other people more so around the Catholic Church. It’s amazing the harm institutionalised religion can do to our bodies. I’ve seen people wince when you mention Church.
I feel angry today but I’ve realised it’s actually someone else’s anger and sadness I’ve taken on by reacting to them.
Kids can be very perceptive and pick up on emotions and energy naturally without questioning what they’re feeling – it’s an ability or sense we all have just more often have dulled down as adults as it’s not generally a quality that is supported in school or life. But it’s never too late to re-connect with that knowing and open up more to what we are sensing all the time…
Thank you for this powerful expose of the fact that ‘doing good’ is actually ‘doing harm’ and how we have sold out to ideals and beliefs that have kept us under the spell of being unworthy.
This is a great point of understanding to share.. the nature of healing includes allowing the grace for the unconscious to become the conscious awareness.
Trying to be “good” is a disease! It is extremely crippling and retards a person’s evolution. What is needed is for us to be true to ourselves.
Disease? I’d call it a plague..or maybe even some kind of nuclear toxic poison…I’m not sure..but whatever we call it, it needs to be exposed as one of the most potent killers of our truth and thus of us.
This is so true Elizabeth, how often are we reminded to ‘be good’ as we were growing up, and very rarely do we hear the words ‘be you, just simply be yourself’? The only place I know that inspires people to be themselves and connect to their essence is at Universal Medicine. Nowhere else that I know of, not even in my own home when I was a child, instead I was encouraged to be ‘good’.
In fact with any ‘trying’ there is a force, showing us that we are calling in another energy to be able to do whatever we’re ‘trying’ to do. There is an ease and a flow in just being our true selves.
I agree Elizabeth, seen most clearly in charity, where we try to make something good happen but most often from a starting point filled with emotion, be it guilt, sadness, regret, anger, righteousness, sometimes boredom, often seeking of recognition. Yet we can only really offer true goodness, truth, when we leave out emotion and act with care and compassion free of loading and desperation, but instead from the very heart of our bodies.
This article is very revealing of the way life is lived for many, I for one have (and still do at times) buried and hidden what has welled up inside of me. As a child I was taught to hold back my frustrations and to simply deal with them, but not taught how to actually deal with them. This is something that I have learned through being a student of Universal Medicine.
Holding back on our expression has a very harmful effect on our body and on everyone else, as we are resisting speaking the truth that is there to be shared. Even if we are angry, it is better to explain how we are feeling so the issue can be addressed, rather than suppressing it, as the way we interact with anyone and everyone afterwards will be tainted by our anger. The longer it is left un-dealt with, the anger will build and turn to frustration until it finally explodes, very possibly around a completely unrelated issue and all the while our every moment will have been tainted as we chose not to share how we were feeling at the time we felt affected by something or someone.
Jill, I love how you have exposed so clearly what experts we are at deluding ourselves. Just because we don’t allow ourselves to be angry doesn’t actually stop us from being angry, we just suppress it so we don’t feel it, or maybe mask it in another behaviour, which is equally not our true expression, such as pandering.
Emotions hidden in the corners of our heart and body stop us from feeling whole and worthy in full and equally express our truth and love in full.
One of the empowering things about understanding where our emotions come from is to learn that they are based on complete lies or part truths. Whenever the full truth is offered in any situation it brings an understanding that asks for responsibility from everyone and hence there is no one to point the finger at when it comes to our past experiences and hurts. We have also allowed them to be.
As I revisit this blog this morning I can feel how much I have bought into this ideal of being a good man and when I was younger being a good boy. But I can see how this is just a superficial level of living, a way of presenting an image rather than expressing anything I truly feel. It has also been a way of keeping the peace. Today I am aware that peace whilst preferable to war is not however the true state of harmony that is innate in us all. Being good creates an illusion of peace but living truth connects us to the truth that is harmony.
Yes, Jill. I can relate to and have seen in many of my clients how we can be so hurt and angry, but the layers of protection and hardness give little away of the turmoil within.
It is interesting how the more I become familiar with true healing the more I am aware of understand what we hold in the body, most of us come with a level of hardness, tension within our tissue that reflects what we are holding. I see this from my own body and also working with other peoples bodies. We all can look deeper at what we hold on to as issues anyhow we let them go to offer ourselves true healing.
Wow, thank you so much Jill for sharing this very personal account with us all. The ‘being and doing good’ I have found too, never works and pushes us deeper into the illusion that we must be doing ok whilst all along our bodies are storing the harm this brings.
All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing. I had been sold a lie.’ We can get caught in the trap of living ‘good’ for lifetimes and of course because ‘good’ isn’t ‘true’ it is no wonder a deep rooted anger is harboured in the body, as life after life we are left disappointed because ‘bad’ things still happen no matter how ‘good’ we are. Unless arrested we get to the point where the anger builds up so much we return to the energy of feeling like a victim, which then has to play out, and then over a number of more lifetimes arise ourselves back in the energy of ‘better’ only to fall again as we realise that this ‘good’ and ‘better’ isn’t it and get angry again. A perfect set up for us not to live the truth we know and the truth we are. When we start to live ‘truth’ suddenly it all starts to make more sense and things are put into their proper perspective.
The more I am open to feeling the truth the more aware I am of others who are carrying anger which is not expressed, I always felt that others didn’t get angry and that it was only me because my anger was obvious. We are all carrying unwanted and undealt with emotions and most of us have no idea how to handle them, I love what you share Jill as it’s honesty allows others to feel that this need not be and that we all have a choice to see and feel what we are carrying in our bodies so we can learn to deal with it.
All I can say is thank heavens and I means this sincerely for Universal Medicine and the Benhayon family who have not shied away from their service to mankind and have supported hundreds of thousands of people to claim back their lives from the misery and pain they were living in. We all seemingly lead very emotional lives believing this to be the only way not realising that actually emotions are so very harming to the body it’s as though we are actually ingesting a poison into our bodies. I personally feel that when we really understand just how damaging emotions are to us we will start to recover our bodies and there will be less illness and disease.
Jill when I reflect on this further I also see how I would avoid people that were angry, I would “Coil” and “recoil” away from people that were angry and would shout and it hurt me to the bones as a child. Yet I harboured a bigger secret, an inward anger, a boiling away anger that I would lash out at people as rage when the boiling got too much. To me life did not make sense and whilst I would deny I was angry I lived every day furious with myself for not being able to express what I felt. What an incredible transformation my life has taken since being involved in universal medicine.
“I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love”
Its amazing how deep-seated this unworthiness can be Jill, after 8yrs of developing and unfolding alongside the Ageless wisdom, I am aware that there are buried beliefs that hold me unworthy of the love & intimacy of my immediate family.
Is it lack of worth or could it just be that we do not appreciate our selves enough?
It is often easier to commit to doing things for others then caring for our self. We crave the recognition we get from another when we do a ‘good deed’. The more we appreciate and confirm our self the less we need the accolade from others.
This is what is so evil about it and bravo marylouisemyers for exposing it. In truth, we are only being nice to feed our own emptiness and that is why it is so poisonous for others to be on the receiving end of – a far cry from what we believe ‘nice’ to be.
It is quite incredible how we can suppress our emotions to such an extent that we deny their very existence. What a relief for your body that you have allowed them to surface and be released so that you can make more room for your love inside you and in turn feel the joy and vitality that this love brings.
Yes Rowena many of us from very young were initiated into schools of self suppression not self expression by family and formal education. If we had been schooled from young to love ourselves, connect to our true selves and express from there, humanity would not be plagued with illness and disease to the extent it is.
I can so relate to feeling like I don’t have feelings! No anger, no frustration…but since connecting more to my body thanks to Universal Medicine healing modalities, I’ve begun to feel that I did and do feel all of these things, but got very good at stuffing them down within my body from a young age, to such an extent that I could have sworn that I just didn’t have these emotions. I can feel how poisonous this is – to pretend everything’s fine, while stuffing down what we can feel within us, only to be dealt with another day, or result in illness and disease. It also doesn’t change anything, if we don’t express what we can feel.
Well said, Bryony. We’re getting onto something here in terms of what true health and wellbeing is.
To me someone who is angry and slams or kicks the door is more honest, you know what you are dealing with and where you are with that person, but when anger is covered up with nice, there is no honesty and it can be very confusing because you are feeling one thing and the person is displaying something else. I know that for myself if I was angry I knew it was an emotion it was not good to show so I would bottle it up and pretend everything was ok when it was not.
And we walk around like a bomb just about to go of. A person close to me was like this when I was growing up and you never knew when they would explode in uncontrollable anger. I lived in constant tension.
That’s true that was the same for me, and I remember avoiding them as much as I could, and bracing myself when it was not possible to avoid them. I never exploded in uncontrollable anger I just simmered away and got frustrated and resentful. I am sure that this was also felt from others by me, it is interesting how we can see it another but not always in ourselves.
Buried anger can come out in so many different ways. If we are unaware of it we can end up aiming snipes at someone, going into to road rage, or even committing a murder. How many of us walk around without realising the amount of anger we are carrying. There is a responsibility in learning to uncover it and feel it, as if we do not do this and it remains buried we are capable of doing much harm.
I remember in church saying on a weekly basis that I was unworthy and told constantly I was a sinner and that being really, really good was the only way to please God and avoid going to hell for eternity so learning and feeling in the body that all this was a load of nonsense was such a great release.
Anger gets left behind when I embrace understanding, be that for and of my own feelings or the actions of another. Anger seems such a waste of time as it does not evolve us to the next point, instead sticking up like mud in the sand to an emotion that harms everyone and leaves us feeling the sadness that hides underneath.
I was amazed too Jill, how much anger I held in my body while being unaware of as I buried it that deep into my body because of the beliefs I held on being angry or sad as being a bad thing to have. Actually I was in a state that I could not feel any anger or sadness as it was not an acceptable expression for me. And although these expressions are actually not true, ignoring these feeling is even a further step away from who I truly am and gives this false energies big time in me to unconsciously interfere with my being in surfacing in any moment that suited the anger or sadness and in that moment completely overruled me natural way of being and dictated my expression and behaviour.
It is interesting how we can believe that we have no emotional issues such as frustration, bitterness, resentment etc…. yet once we begin becoming more aware with the way we live and respond to things in our lives, out from seemingly nowhere an emotion surfaces showing us that there are undealt with emotions conveniently buried in ‘deep pockets’ in our psyche.
We are to systematically slash and burn all beliefs until the glory of truth is revealed in all its magnificence.
Make no mistake the purpose of a belief is to keep us from truth.
Jill this is a powerful, powerful sharing. The truth that you have come to and shared from your body cuts through the slimy belief of ‘good’ like a knife. Your crystal clear clarity deals with the slipperyness of beliefs with an absoluteness. Keep sharing Jill your ability to break down the illusion that so many people are trapped by is desperately needed.
We can find so many ways to avoid feeling our true feelings, and I love the way you talk about being loving with yourself: ‘through many healing sessions and workshops and opening up to being much more loving with myself, I got to feel some of these deeply buried emotions as they surfaced, finally admitting that I did feel anger.’ There is so much more below the surface than many of us realise and some old hurts and behaviour patterns go back centuries.
Oh yes, know this one well Jill – that you couldn’t feel any emotions such as resentment, frustration bitterness and rage and yet had had your gallbladder removed! Not that I have actually had my gallbladder removed but I DID get my foot broken on the 4th metatarsal bone which is where I had been pedalling the piano all my life in resentment! I had no idea of my level of resentment – I know that I resented the bureaucracy that I had to tussle with when teaching at University, but had no idea that I was fully in it when playing the piano. It is so habitual that it is buried. So great to get our awareness going and unearth these rooted evils.
How extraordinary is God’s love when 7 billion people can blame God for something, or many things, going ‘wrong’ in their lives on a daily basis… and yet God’s love is present without judgment, every moment of every day, waiting for us to return to the love we all come from – that is true love.
“Over the course of the next four years, through many healing sessions and workshops and opening up to being much more loving with myself, I got to feel some of these deeply buried emotions as they surfaced, finally admitting that I did feel anger” – i recall Serge Benhayon talking about having ‘an honest body’, and a few years back it didn’t make sense to me let alone the benefit and importance in having this i know today, though like you Jill when the pretence, perfectionism, protectionism is dropped [which can take a bit of time] and we become real into admission our body responds becoming spaciousness. To feel an honest spacious body by simple means of a hug versus a body that’s hardened through not being honest or shut down affirms the greatest joy there is in living with honesty towards living truly.
We believe somehow that it is easier to blame someone, including God, or something else for what happens in our lives, and yet this does us so much more harm because the pent-up emotions are stored in our bodies while we hold the blame creating enormous disharmony within. In truth it is far easier to take responsibility for our choices, let go of the emotions and reactions which allows our bodies the freedom to live harmoniously as they are divinely designed to be.
Beautiful, thank you very much for writing this Jill! I have too buried A LOT of anger, anger covering the deep sadness and hurt I have accumulated for many years. I am still opening up to feel it and I know that one day when I do open up to feel all of it, I will spend many hours, if not days, crying. But as you say, I am so blessed to have come across Universal Medicine and to be presented with real tools to deal with these hurts.
Not being brought up religious I didn’t realise I held the belief that, ‘ “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,”’ so ingrained within me. It’s amazing how this one seems to get in there without conscious awareness. I grew up unwittingly believing I had to earn love, just being myself was not an option. I was angry and the God I saw represented at school, at church, at guides I was told was loving but those saying this were usually filled with judgement, the measurement of that unattainable good that was being striven for. Feeling my essence I know the lie that says I am a sinner. I am not and nor is anyone else. God holds me and everyone else in the deepest, most loving observation. Living from observation gives people the opportunity to feel with grace what they are choosing.
A stunning example of how the bastardisation of religion has been deliberately designed to cap the masses from being who they truly are. Swindled of the true freedom that divine worth offers, the tension of this and the poison of banked up emotions cannot but be buried deep within the body. The choices you have made Jill to unshackle yourself from this prison, heal your body, and reconnect once again to who you truly are, is nothing short of inspirational.
One of the brilliant insights supported by presentations by Serge Benhayon was my understanding of pandering. When I was open to look at what I was actually doing was manipulating someone to like me or – as in sales develop a sense of rapport I could feel what false ground this type of relationship was built on. Then it was really simple to stop, however in it’s place I discovered I needed to build a foundation of self-worth in me.
There are so many people walking around being ‘nice’ when they are actually full of frustration and anger just bursting out from every pore, I am a much more reactive and obviously angry and as equally harming as this is I prefer the transparency of things being out in the open so to speak to the condensed reserved inhibited version.
I have in the past held pictures that ‘being angry’ was being very loud, shouting, threatening, physically aggressive, cutting verbally etc, I have now come to understand that anger can be a very silent thing, a slow, building poison that never shows itself but subtly moves around in the body shutting down the love, sensitivity, tender way one is. Thank you Jill for generating a deepening understanding of anger and how it can work. It is beautiful to feel you claim yourself as the true ‘Son of God’ you are.
We are very good at hiding and burying emotions with a range of behaviour, such as entertainment, drinking, taking drugs, over working, over eating etc. but perhaps being good is one of the most insidious as it hides so much with the appearance of being harmless and the ‘right’ thing when in fact it more deeply harming.
Wow Jill, very powerful. No more burying or hiding anymore – fantastic!
I loved what you wrote about by being more open and loving with yourself, it allowed the buried stuff to come up. It showed me the incredible wisdom and sensitivity of the body and of our Soul. When you had ‘set the scene’ with a foundation of love and had said yes to exploring what may lay within, your Soul can see that you are ready, the body then does it thing and brings up the buried stuff for you to explore, and let go. A divine miracle at play, starting by you choosing to say yes.
We magnify our issues and slip ups tenfold by branding ourselves as ‘sinners’, ‘incompetent’, ‘useless’ and so forth… One step out of line or life’s flow turns into a marathon of tripping over our own thoughts, wandering in a confusing direction when all we need to do is learn from each mishap and use it to step UP and evolve.
When we direct anger at someone or God it is a sign we are not taking responsibility for how we feel and our choices.
When we have buried something so deeply, all we can do at first is to open up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe the emotion or experience is being held somewhere deep inside. It can then be given permission to surface, and we are free to go even deeper.
Well nominated, Jill – “this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins”. Thank heavens for Universal Medicine and the teachings about energetic discernment that exposes the unresolved turmoil in many who present themselves as doing ‘good’.
When we come to a place of honesty Jill, it can feel very raw and exposing but can also bring a great release of tension and anger we have been holding onto. It is pretty incredible how the body copes for so long with all the abuse we give it, before it starts complaining with an illness.
A powerful blog. Those major points of healing in ones life where we come to feel how we have been living for a long time and what we have accumulated – they are a blessing. I too would never have thought I was an ‘angry’ person, but upon reading your blog can see that anger is present whenever we are not expressing our full lovely selves – it is a hardness which is ingrained into my movements.
One of the amazing aspects of this work is that you can come across things that you are regularly or even constantly doing of which you may have been almost completely unaware.
It is incredible to be aware of the fact that there are levels concerning our emotions and reactions; that our body, unless we let it go, holds on to habits and pathways that keep repeating themselves; that a tension that we feel across the chest is a protection, and if I use myself as an example my right arm pointing, was a how I was, righteous and defensive….anger does not always have to be smashing things and shouting, it is the energy of an interaction, communication where the truth lies.
I know that my first reaction to the presentation on bitterness, resentment rage etc was that these were not emotions I had felt, let alone built up in my body. Over time I began to realise that firstly, I had a misperception of these emotions, not really being willing to see them as something I sometimes chose but not as who I was. And then secondly, coming to feel that in fact there are things in life that I have felt bitter about, or built resentment over and in admitting to this and working through it I feel so much more free.
I can so relate to what you are sharing Jill – I used to tell myself that “I don’t get angry – just upset”! What I didn’t realise was that even though the anger would come out as tears it was anger nonetheless. Learning about the gallbladder too and the energy of frustration, resentment, bitterness and rage has meant that I am far more honest about reactions and much more open to its fiery potential of clarity, intuition, reading and so on.
Burying our emotions in order to live a false image on the outside simply doesn’t work. We can all feel energy so we are only fooling ourselves when we are not being honest and true to what is going on in the body. Learning to be open and transparent I no longer hide like I used to.
What a powerful moment for you Jill and how amazing that you came to realise what your anger was actually about. I have had similar moments in my life when I literally erupted but hadn’t appreciated that I was really angry about anything until I too did the same Universal Medicine course. But anyone who experiences such an eruption of anger in themselves has to have an underlying reason for it, and ultimately it is never because of what another has done to us, but always comes back to a past choice we have made that has taken us away from the truth of who we are.
Great blog Jill, the feelings of the anger come right through in your writing. It is amazing the lengths we can go to, to hide how we are feeling built on pictures of how we think we should be in this world – being stoic was my way of coping with what I was feeling, but at the same time denying how I was feeling and pretending everything was ok and under control.
I have in my life made a way of ‘seeing the best in people’, which from a young age I decided was a great thing to do. The fact is it has served me well on one level, but I now see that this is just a form of protection from seeing people as they are and a bastardisation of knowing the true essence of us all. Seeing the best in people has actually got me in trouble – because I have tended to build relationships on the potential of what could be rather than what is. These beliefs systems, including being nice and good, deny what is truly happening and what is truly being discerned and felt. They are in effect, living in illusion.
This is a blog that I can relate to as well Jill. I have had a few Practitioners mention I was angry but I too could not at first relate to these feelings! I now know it was true and I am able to accept that I kept the lid on these emotions because I didn’t wish to hurt anyone by not being nice! Having been brought up to not rock the boat or upset someone.
The truth is that when we are angry and we direct it towards God or to someone close to us we are not really angry with them but with ourselves for separating from God and from ourselves. Our anger covers up our sadness of what we are really feeling and what is really true.
Jill, it’s the silent, bubbling away anger that festers inside that we push down and cover up with being nice that is something I relate so much to. I had even mastered the fact that I believed I was not angry. Taking time to heal this has been one of my greatest gifts to me and society.
It often takes me a while to realise that I am feeling angry. It seems to come up after the event that has caused it. This is usually due to me not speaking up about how I feel at the time. It is such an ingrained pattern to bury it and smile and carry on. Gradually I am learning to speak up in the moment and therefore not allow the anger at myself to build. It is a work in progress.
I used to be very quietly spoken, polite etc.. but all this was covering up a sense of anger towards the world, God and people that I had which was covering up a massive sadness of not feeling and living the love I knew was possible from birth. It is amazing how entrenched we can become that we lose sight of the very thing we want most and try our best continuously so to replace it with something else.
I love your honesty Jill and the unfolding you got from the simple choice to stay with what you were feeling and to write it down. You have reminded me of the great gift of writing things down as it gives us a moment of reflection, what happened for you in that moment is incredible and feels like it was a fast track to healing dealing with the buried anger which you had denied yourself feeling in the past.
How bewildering and destabilizing it must be for us as children when we can easily feel something is going on, like an angry mum, and yet the adults so blatantly declare that there is no anger anywhere in sight, let alone having the church or anyone else saying we are unworthy of God’s love, when the concept of being worthy or unworthy is not even formulated in our heart.
This belief that many people carry with them that being good and nice would make us worthy of God’s love feels to me to be religion based. I too feel I have lived many lives with this in my body and shows to me that reincarnation is a fact of life. How else would I have such a strong sense of a false religion in my body? I say false Religion because being good and nice I feel takes us further away from God; we are fed how we need to be good and nice to not make God angry with us, to placate him all the time by being good and nice. We take on pictures and ideals of what God looks like and behaves like without once stopping to contemplate whether what we are fed by religion is true or not.
I remember as a young child being in a cold church and feeling the anger of the priest as he shouted his sermon at us putting the fear of God trying and probably succeeding in putting the fear of God into everyone although even at the time associating God and fear felt strange. Oh, the lies we have been sold that take us further away from where we need to be.
Lovely to feel you claiming ‘my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image’ and releasing the evil of doing and being good that we have been sold as a way to God’s love. We never need to earn God’s love we come into this life as a Son of God and the more of us who claim this knowing the wider the reflection will be to our fellow brothers still caught in the trap of being ‘good’.
When we take on false beliefs, regardless of where they come from, we can find ourselves imprisoned by them for many lifetimes.
Burying and stifling our emotions is something we all do as a strategy to cope with them… but they have to come out somewhere. Imagine the stress placed on the physical body with all of this ill energy circulating around and not being released or healed?
Jill, thank you for this blog. I would actually describe the transformation you are describing as a miracle because to see through the evil of not feeling worthy of God’s love is huge and totally life changing. This is such a testimony to the fact that there is true work on earth being done by Universal Medicine. Claiming and living our divine nature is what it is all about.
The ends we go through to not express the way we feel is endless, but they all have the same effect of being piled up and never going away, just waiting for the trigger to release all that has been simmering away on the backburner for years.
It’s interesting Jill how we bury things and hide or protect ourselves from showing all that we feel and have felt. We protect ourselves from being hurt instead of expressing that it does hurt.
I can remember feeling intensely angry about things that had happened in my life but completely unable to express it because it felt too huge and destructive an emotion. The consequence of not expressing was an inner implosion instead that resulted in a deep depression. Being brought up to be ‘nice’, to play ‘nice’ is putting a straight jacket on our expression. Teaching children how to identify what they are feeling and why, to express before things get out of control is essential education that empowers them to grow up not needing to be nice, fully able to express what they need to say with an honest truthfulness and ease.
It is gorgeous that as you opened up to more love you allowed the depth of what was buried to surface, exposing what you had denied… and then with honesty, feel and clear what was there to offer you the freedom you experienced through finally letting go of the falsity and embracing your connection to your true divinity and your worth. Gorgeous.
‘I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love.’ Brilliantly exposing here the tricks of the forces that mislead humanity Jill . . .
As if the unworthiness were not enough of a hole to dig and throw ourselves in! Then use ‘be good’ as an antidote to the horrible feeling of being unworthy – well that just throws the soil on top of us in the hole and buries us so that we cannot see the Light of God. How could we have been tricked by such an obvious, awful plan?
Allowing ourselves to its depth, the hurt and devastation of the lies we have been sold out to, there is a moment of stillness and clarity which asks us, “so how do we choose next?” And being able to hear that and ponder–that is gold.
Jill, your first paragraph feels like you were describing me. I was not aware I held any form of angry until I became a parent and things started to be exposed that I didn’t realise it was present. I have found when we are ready to heal the support is always there.
A truly revealing and honest account of the harm of ‘good’, Well done Jill to break that consciousness and super to share the truth of its misleading way.
Re-reading your blog I recall a time when my body spoke to me powerfully, but I was so dulled and divorced from it I didn’t know what it was saying. My body from head to toe lacked energy, I felt foggy, fuzzy, trance-like and I experienced strange sensations on the surface of my skin and could not shake away the feeling. I drew images of how I felt, they were usually red or pink with furry, woolly outlines. I showed these images to various practitioners conventional and complementary, no-one could help me decipher their meaning. It took me a while to realise I was experiencing a form of depression fuelled by suppressed anger, sadness, and hurt. Slowly over-time, I brought myself back to health with the support of a herbalist, exercise and changing the way I ate. It wasn’t until I met Serge Benhayon and attended Universal Medicine workshops, that I began to understand this period in my life, and received the support I needed to heal unresolved hurts carried for decades.
Jill, I was also held-in my emotions for most of my life. I found it difficult to express how I felt and battled internally because of this. For many years I was angry with myself and life but did not connect to it until something would happen that led to an eruption, then felt shame because of the anger expressed. I stayed silent when things happened and then as they were repeated, they would stew inside until it all came out in unexpected ways. I believed it was a weakness to get angry, without connecting to the feeling behind anger. Now I respond to situations as they happen and express honestly how I feel when I feel it or soon after.
It is interesting how things can affect us so deeply and yet we can claim nothing is ‘wrong’ – no different to when we are in a trauma or an accident and we go into a form of shock – and when asked if everything is OK, we just nod and say we are fine. And then once the shock wears off, we get to really give ourselves permission to feel the impact and effect on the body, something we cannot keep denying. And then of course when we finally give ourselves permission to go there and feel it in full, then this unlocks the next step for us in our freedom of expression. Thank you Jill for your amazing and candid sharing.
Powerful and deconstructing post Jill on the evil of “good” and the beauty of self-love and what it arises within oneself and the many falsities to discard.
When Serge Benhayon presented about the way emotions affect our body physically, it all made sense: I have arthritis from the hard, angry way I’d been living, I have calcified tendons in my shoulders from the constant tension, I had a stiff jaw from grinding my teeth at night, and crooked teeth from keeping my jaw so tight, and my voice had developed a harsh way of speaking that is very different now. I had a hyperactive thyroid from all the (self-induced) stress which is now back to normal as my life is considerably less stressful, and I had a prolapse from pushing myself so hard all through life, that required a hysterectomy to correct. So yes, the way I had been living and the emotions I allowed to run my life have left physical scars, not all of which can be removed this lifetime, but who knows, the more I let go, perhaps the less I will bring with me next time.
It is a big step when we become honest and let ourselves feel, where applicable, how angry and resentful we really are; and the next big step is to know that we are responsible for every choice we have made and not lash out at anybody but start the healing process.
Unresolved emotions have an enormous impact on our health and wellbeing, not to mention our ability to connect to the truest part of ourselves and express from this. Having a backlog of anger, frustration, resentment etc taints our everyday expression, and until we truly heal and release ourselves from their bind, we don’t get to enjoy the fullness of who we are, which is completely free of emotion.
I know when one of my children questions if I’m angry, it can almost makes me more angry in that moment as I am being called out, if I become defensive, it’s all downhill from there as I am compounding the lie that I am choosing to live, rather than expressing the truth. If I am honest, it’s a healing as I am choosing to take responsibility for my behaviour, which is already being felt by another, and I then have the opportunity to express why I am angry. I feel a lot of my anger comes from my reluctance to express the truth in the moment it is felt, something I am working with.
I agree Alison, all that bottled up expression is a huge weight and cause of frustration in peoples lives
Jill, as I started to read your blog I had such a strong feeling of ‘thats me’; covering up the anger, frustration, resentment, etc etc and trying to be ‘good’. Your beautiful sharing took me to another level of awareness where, at times, I can say yes that is me. I also could appreciate and feel the absolute freedom and sense of worthiness that is the true me. I particularly love what you have expressed here;
“to be re-awakened once more. I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image”…
Thank you, Jill, I love what you have shared about the consequences of denial. When we choose not to feel something, it just gets buried deeper and deeper until, after numerous attempts to bring our awareness to what is truly going on, we may finally start being open and honest, what follows can be an almighty eruption. The hurt we feel from abandoning ourselves, from falling hook, line and sinker for ideals and beliefs that were, in fact, just lies to take us away from feeling our divinity, can be very confronting and painful, but also an enormous healing.
I love your honesty here Jill and although I was not brought up as a Christian or Catholic, I can relate. I used to be very angry too and I am glad that I don’t live with it either buried or as a tension in my body anymore. I have worked through a lot of that with Esoteric Healing.
I can think of some friends that will really benefit from reading your story. Thanks for sharing.
I can so relate to the ‘being nice, being good’ lie you share here Jill…in other words don’t express or show your true feelings – and so we suppress our feelings and ‘act’ superficially, which prevents any true connection within ourselves or with each other. It is no wonder we don’t consciously feel what is truly going on in our bodies anymore when we have lived this way for decades and or lifetimes.
Great blog, Jill. Your expose of ‘good’ is particularly important. I have a fair bit to do with the charitable sector, in which good runs rife. Just like devoting oneself to Christianity (or any other belief of this type) without fully understood self, dedicating oneself to ‘doing good’ is just as hollow and hides a multitude of sins. There are very few in the sector who are truly there without something else in the way.
Hi victoria, to me it is not only the doing good but the whole concept of good and bad, right and wrong that is at the basis of this all So what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong? We are told God does judge us but is he? That he judge us on being good or bad? Can we ever being right or wrong? To me God does not classifies us as good or bad people as he actually love us all equally, no matter if we, in our eyes are good or bad. So what is it that we have made this all about. Could it be that the good and bad, the right and wrong is just a creation of us people, a creation to not feel the love we are all from and is in abundance available to connect to at any moment we are ready as we are his sons?
How grand is God’s love? Most of the population are following religions that bastardise the true relationship we naturally and innately have with God and many people have the same anger towards God, like you have expressed so honestly Jill – yet God is always and forever holding us in love without an ounce of judgment, hurt, hatred or wrath – and he is just like us! How amazing and universal His love is.
When we reject love, we are rejecting ourselves and God, and the result of this is a deep sadness which can be expressed as anger when we are not willing to take responsibility for stepping away from love. When we are angry at another person or at God we are in fact angry at ourselves.
Brilliant Jill, thank you for exposing the ill and dishonesty beneath ‘good’. What a great healing. There is in truth no ‘good’ and ‘bad’ these are re-actions.
Jill this is an amazing blog, one I can truly relate to. We are truly sold a lie when presented with ideals of goodness to live up to, and measure ourselves against.
Yes, good-ness without love is very common, yet a contradiction in terms.
Like you describe, I can relate to having feelings of being angry with God, these feelings I have come to see are actually an anger at my own choices to move away from what I know to be true.
What a freedom. We are so capped by the beliefs of religions that do not teach us first and foremost that we are love, that we are made from a body of love.
It is amazing how much stuff we can bury in our bodies until our bodies pack out and we have to bury them – all to be resurrected and dealt with in the next life as we can’t truly bury anything only delay the letting go and healing.
Thank you for sharing Jill. I found your blog to be very beautiful and deeply touching. I am inspired by your courage, honesty and return.
I have also had the ideal of being good and nice but underneath, when circumstances came up could be angry. It’s interesting that I had the perception this was normal as I had witnessed it in other people too.
Yes Michael, it is interesting that we even use the phrase ‘its normal to be angry’ if something upsets us. But when we have the understanding that our anger ultimately comes from a situation where we have completely dismissed ourselves and therefore God, and that it cannot be blamed on another, there is a wonderful opportunity to heal the hurt simply by first acknowledging it and then choosing to change our behaviour so it does not get out of control and end up as a physical symptom in the body such as heart disease.
Good has much to answer for, and I love how you express that here Jill “this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak, with the biggest one being, “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,”” …. many have felt this way hence the vast cleaving to good we see in society, but it does not address anything and everything gets buried underneath, and of course that being the case what energy are we actually operating in? This is the evil of good, it is not honest and it purports to know the answers and in that we are trapped, until as you’ve done we start to understand how we truly feel and get honest with ourselves, then we find truth and do not settle for the trap of good.
This is such a precious gift to us all Jill, your words written with such openness and heartfelt clarity and truth. This is an open invitation to all those that may too have chosen to bury anger because it was not ok to be angry as this meant we were not ‘good’ people. Reading your words -“I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” reminds me of a prayer that was always part of the Catholic Mass Service where we all had to repeat – ‘….for I am not worthy of the promises of Christ’ and this was encouraged to be said with absolute reverence – just writing about this brings up deep sadness and awareness of the evil within this ritual. This blog allows the residue of what is still sitting there to be exposed – to be exposed and released. Yes, the body knows and clearly speaks to us openly in our growing awareness and re-connection to the truth that we are truly ‘Sons of God’ and no longer is this to be denied or capped. Deep appreciation for all that Serge Benhayon by his livingness way reflects to us and to you Jill for sharing the deep healing that Serge has inspired within you.
It can be amazing to see what we don’t see. We give things a title and think they are more or more serious then others. Anger can be one of those, most people don’t like to be thought of as angry or having anger because we perceive it as being bad and yet we have many other emotions that swing into our lives that we consider are ok. It great to see anger being written about in this way, to give us all more understanding of where it lies and how we can not see it, even if we think we have our eyes open. No different when you can walk or drive past something and be convinced you never saw it before even though you find out it was there all along. The way we move and live creates our vision and so if you choice to see more of the world, you are choosing to live and move in a different way.
Incredible sharing, of how we can be so blind to ourselves and wilfully ignorant to the energetic truth of all things, including that God loves us 100% no more, no less than any other.
Beware the smiling assassin…something not always considered is that repressing our emotions is still a form of expression. It is just that the expression is turned inward and not outward, and is actually more toxic to the body to do so.
There are so many lies we are sold and so many reasons we choose to believe them. What is a blessing is understanding we can choose any time what is actually true for ourselves. With this – appreciating sometimes there is the suppression to be cleared, but it can be as simple as being willing to feel what is there and allow it to pass through rather than staying trapped in the body.
People used to describe me as an angry person, and I simply did not get it despite the fact that I would be furious when they said things like that while claiming I didn’t know what they were talking about! Ah, the irony.
It is amazing the level of self denial we can have, I would consider myself a gentle loving man but there is anger and frustration that arises in me, and it can be incredibly strong. Such anger can be very destructive, and therefore honesty about those feelings becomes extremely important, as I have realised how much an effect any anger has, not just on my body, but on those I am surrounded by, and perhaps into pools of energy that could affect anyone in the world.
Repressing anger has the same affect as Mentos put in a large bottle of soda. Everyone is affected when it explodes.
Wowser…..I was blown away and totally engaged by your blog. You are a natural storyteller and what a story you sharing with us. It blows the lid on ‘being good’ and ‘being a good Christian’. And it showed the miracles that can occur if you just stay open to another way, another possible way of looking at life, a possibility of truth…and then test it for yourself to see if there is any truth to what is being presented.
‘…this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins…’ Generally, we are so invested in good that we can’t see the wood for the trees… and perhaps its because we don’t want to see it?
The good life is one that is the most lost from who a person truly is and what they are truly feeling and experiencing. At least a person on drugs is far more open and honest about what they feel, they just have a different way of dealing with it. The reality is that we ALL have challenges, tensions and issues that are going on for us all the time and we are finding ways to manage and cope instead of healing, understanding and reading why we are being confronted with such circumstances in the first place.
The evil lie of doing good. It’s a Christian belief that has permeated society – surely if we do good things everything will be ok? Isn’t that how it goes? But what good is good when it’s not stemming from truth. If we do something that didn’t come from a true impulse to do it and we are doing it from a belief, it’s not so good after all.
Wow Jill, what an honest blog. The truth of re-claiming yourself and your connection to God is very solid, powerful and totally inspiring to read and felt throughout your words. I am deeply touched by the absoluteness of your inner foundation and divine essence emanating brightly for all to know, as expressed in your final words.
“I now have the opportunity and choice to rise out of this evil and come back to claim my absolute worthiness as a true beloved child of God, made in his image…
For this I am worthy”.
Burying anything harms our bodies, our relationships and everything we do far more than most of us realise. The evil for me was believing that I was such an angry and frustrated person only, I thought this of myself and others would confirm this also. The thing is, believing this kept me from feeling how actually precious, sensitive and sweet I was. I’ve seen over the years how we are never left alone to feel who we are when we hold onto beliefs and ideals.
So beautiful to read how you have broken your self free of what was not true by allowing yourself to feel what was in you to feel.
By experience, I know how hugely different life is when holding unresolved emotions in the body, versus living with self transparency so we can let go of what does not bring harmony to us or the world.
I also recently attended a Universal Medicine healing course with Serge Benhayon, and was very surprised to discover bitterness in my gall bladder!
As the practitioner gently activated the area of the gall bladder, that was explained can hold bitterness, it became very painful and hard and I was saying “I am not a bitter person, I have never felt bitterness toward anyone…” the practitioner let me know that I was in my head (as in thinking too much) and asked me to just feel my body…
I felt… and there it was, a well of bitterness toward… myself!
I could feel and see just how I have been holding this cruel emotion against myself for so long.
I felt it was a reaction around my deepest purpose being to shine my light but, having taken on the pain around me, I long ago enjoined and have since been adding to the very suffering I so wanted to bring something different to.
As I spoke this truth I felt it release and I tasted and smelled bile, then my gall bladder softened and it was over. I had been trying to stop having anger at myself for a long time but this was in my way. I now feel released from this constant self judgement.
I can now deepen my self understanding and appreciation.
It is phenomenal how we can deny what we do feel. I know I wanted to fit into a certain way of being and certain emotions that do not fit this I deny. But when my arm muscles tense up so much that I have claw hand I have to look at what am denying myself to feel. And it is anger or rage towards someone that I have intellectually explained away as having accepted whatever it was they did and convinced myself I now understand and have let go.
My body tells me otherwise and it is wise to listen because in the honesty and release of that energy comes the true understanding and harmony. I have tried to jump to in my head so as to not feel whatever pain is there.
I listened to an audio yesterday where Serge Benhayon presented along the lines if it would be far more truthful to say we are in self-destruct mode rather than frustrated. This is true. I feel far more real and in my body when I say/admit this.
Within us all burns a love divine that cannot be extinguished by any emotion we may call upon to not feel the aching sadness that comes from not living true to the love that we are. And although we may at times rage at God and try to blame him for our withdrawal from our divine expression, he never ever turns down the vastness of his love that serves as a beacon of light to guide us safely home.
It is very caring in itself reflecting on yourself as you have.
It is beautiful to read that you have come to place within yourself where you recognise that God’s love is there for you as equally as it is for everyone. That you are not un-worthy of his love because it is the same as yours. Your love is his love and his love is yours.
It is actually amazing when these emotions we believe we don’t have do come up, because otherwise they run in the background without our awareness. Once in the foreground of our awareness we can challenge, heal and clear them from our bodies.
Agreed Leigh, through observing with bundles of understanding and openness, emotions such as anger and sadness are given permission to surface and leave a body that is unfolding into more of what it truly is: Love
It’s usually the ones that claim to have no anger that have deep rage buried within.
What a stunningly beautiful blog Jill. Buried emotions are even more poisonous than the ones we express because they simmer away under the surface causing havoc, and sometimes they explode without warning.
Wow this blog brings up so stuff for me too – I always tried to be a ‘good’ girl, very polite and always ‘nice’ but that was a thin veil for some deep seated anger that found other ways to be expressed. One way was through a string puppet that I had who was a witch – she looked angry and ‘said’ some nasty things – rather like an alter ego for me. As I grew into adulthood, like many people I could get ‘justifiably angry’ about things or I could believe I was right about everything and criticise anyone who I felt was wrong. In truth, underneath all that anger was, and is, a deep layer of sadness that I have deliberately avoiding feeling, and still do to a certain extent.
I found the credo, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,’ coming to mind as I read this blog + another one of ‘keeping the peace’ and so see how complying with these keeps one stuffing what is perceived as negative feelings down and hopefully out of one’s awareness – numbing them out of ‘existence’. Gosh that comes as a cost, as you have so clearly shared. It’s awesome to read how Serge Benhayon and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom have supported you to clear this pent up emotion from your body so you can live in connection with your divine essence. That has been my experience as well.
Very beautiful Jill, a profound blog shared on true religion. A grace that is beholding of us all. Thank you for your expression.
The unburying of those emotions that we’ve pushed down and denied, is a wonderful thing. In the Universal Medicine healing course I’ve attended, particularly the most recent Esoteric Healing Level 4 where we bring focus to the organs in the body, I was able to feel the rage I was carrying around, aimed at myself. I say ‘wonderful’ because when we release that buried emotion we are no longer bound or imprisoned by it; there is a freedom that comes as we allow this to happen.
This comes over so strongly Jill, as I read it, I could feel the force of the anger rising until the volcano exploded. Thank goodness it did, and you were able to express your anger and let go of it. I love how you observed what your body was experiencing, and cleared the energy of past beliefs. Free at last to feel the true you.
We can bury things so much that we’re not aware of them and I think it’s great how you opened up to feeling if there were things you were holding onto that were essentially poisoning you – and not in cathartic or indulgent way but just bringing more understanding to your relationship with you and God and how you live your life; thank you for sharing this Jill.
So much is said here to be discussed Jill and I can really relate with what you have shared about feeling you are not an ‘angry’ person or have anger. I too remember the first workshop that was held and presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine in the UK regarding the emotions that are stored in different organs and thought ‘oh I don’t have anger, bitterness, or rage’. However, my body told me differently and slowly I could feel what I had stored in my body over the years from different situations starting to be released. I guess part of the lesson here is to honour what we feel, call out what is not love and express our truth as if we did this such emotions would not be able to be stored in our body. Then of course we also have the subconscious feelings/emotions that we are not even aware of like you saw in being angry with God. Gosh writing this I can really feel just how much true healing as humanity we need to do.
A great, honest sharing Jill. I grew up as a very angry kid, particularly in my teenage years. As I have became more honest about my anger I realise that I actually have a choice before I explode – and the more awareness I have of this, the more I recognise that I can decide to react or not. It’s pretty amazing and is undoing years of unhinged aggression!
I can relate to what you’ve shared Nick and yes very amazing. For me my anger didn’t surface until I was around my mid-twenties. I was shocked at first and baffled as to where this anger stemmed from. I very much wanted to know why and to get to the root cause of my angry episodes of shouting. It was through Universal Medicine and attending the Sacred Esoteric Healing courses that truly supported me to find these answers within myself and I went on an amazing journey of healing, which is still continuing to this day, to deepen more and more.
Learning that we can choose to stay with ourselves, observe and not react is enormous, it is completely life changing as then we live life rather that in constant reaction to what life throws at us.
Jill this is a great blog thanks for sharing your experience about anger and blaming God for letting us down.
“At this moment I could feel my jaws clenched so tight that my teeth were hurting. What I now felt was a deep hatred and anger at myself for deserting me, for making myself feel worthless by taking on beliefs that were not true and that denied the preciousness of who, as I have now come to know, I truly am.”
I too came to an understanding about myself that there was a deep hatred and anger at myself for deserting me and therefore God and I had been bashing myself up for lifetimes. The bitterness and resentment towards myself was huge. Now all that has been exposed I can start to love and look after myself in a loving way which my body so enjoys.
“I didn’t feel any of these emotions that were being referred to, so powerfully deceptive was the ideal of ‘good’ and the denial that I had adopted.” Such a powerful sharing Jill. The ideal of good and wanting to do good, be good is so strong that we are willing to totally deny what we feel is true in us. It is like following a picture from the head and reaching that but not taking note we have a body as well that has to come along.
Jill thank you for writing this blog. I can relate to much of what you have written, especially about hiding emotions from ourselves.
Yes, Jill, feeling unworthy of God’s love is a killer, indeed something that can imprison us for many lifetimes. It can feel so engrained that we don’t even realise we feel that way about ourselves, and for me it also took time and consistent reflection from Serge Benhayon and his beautiful family to accept that I am in fact 100% divine.
Thanks for your honesty Jill, the supposed virtue of being ‘good’ is something that is very entrenched in our society, particularly enmeshed in the Christian religions. Discovering that it does not get you one ounce closer to God I can imagine is quite a blow, and even more of a sting is the discovery that it is a chosen path AWAY from God to begin with, all in the guise of the exact opposite. Responsibility is a word most avoid for this very reason. Well done for going there and un-corking your real feelings… and setting yourself on a true path back to God in the process.
Thank you Jill. I can absolutely relate to this: this feeling of rage and frustration at having deserted myself and sold out on myself, to make myself good so that I can be worthy of being loved. All one big lie, that a few years ago I had no idea was even running me. Slowly, through Universal Medicine workshops and healing modalities, I’m coming to understand how this lie has played out in all sorts of behaviours, such as the seemingly dedicated and committed task-oriented worker, daughter, sister, girlfriend etc, but all of it in an attempt to obtain someone else’s approval, masking a deep level of disregard and self-loathing. Connecting back to me and realising that I don’t need to do any of this has been and is an amazingly liberating process, as I start to accept myself for simply being me, and not any of the roles that I’ve played, or things that I’ve done.
Ah yes, I know there have been many times I have thought that I do not feel bitterness, rage, resentment or anger – they are emotions that seemed to have to part in my life. And yet through the courses I have come to feel that actually I do have these feeling in my body when I get honest and let go – and only then can I clear them and move on. We can live life trying very hard to protect ourselves from what we see as bad – we don’t want to feel that we might get angry because we will then identify ourselves as an angry person, but what Universal medicine has shared with me is that I can get angry but I am not angry – in truth and from my essence I am amazing, but I choose anger at times. If I can see it this way it doesn’t feel as devastating to acknowledge and work through because in doing so it brings me one step closer to my essence.
Jill like you I would say I was not angry, was never angry apart from a few times yet the more I was “good” and “nice” the more I built a solid bubbling away anger that was behind everything I did, it was hurting everyone yet no-one would say I was an angry person. Only through coming to Universal Medicine did I also see the depth of the anger I fostered and start to heal the separation from myself that was at the cause of this. The denial of myself and my light and the fact I deeply missed being me.
Brilliant Jill. So many of us elder women have been brought up with similar beliefs about adhering to God’s way which means being ‘good’ at all costs. All those emotions that we were not ‘allowed’ or did not allow ourselves to express becoming well and truly buried under layers of niceness and compliance even though some of us rebelled we were still held by our thoughts. I love your story of liberation from these imprisoning attitudes. We can only truly be ourselves when we let all this go but it starts with the willingness to be open to these possibilities of what we do not want to admit and then the honesty to go further and explore more as you have done.
Isn’t it crazy that so many people doubt the fact, ‘Am I worthy of love’ or of God’s love, and this is what brings them to a life of religion, dedication and this path where they can do things to become more ‘worthy’. True religion from my understanding is about celebrating the fact our particles are MADE OF love and something very grand, and not a form of seeking/becoming anything we’re not already.
Fabulous fabulous Jill, for awakening to the fact that you have been angry. This kind of honesty is the fast track to heaven, to the heaven that resides within your and everyone’s precious inner-heart. Whoo hoo!
It never ceases to amaze me that we, as human beings, are able to convince ourselves that everything in our lives and in our bodies is just fine, all the while there are emotions galore simmering under the surface waiting to erupt, often at the most inopportune moment. Anger is one of those emotions. I denied that I was angry for a long time as did others around me, but sooner or later the anger was exposed to reveal the sadness that was buried underneath it; only then was it possible to begin the true healing.
I didn’t allow myself to get angry either and i too “went into pandering as a way of life to keep myself safe by attending to other people’s needs, keeping myself hidden and hoping thereby to keep everything peaceful.” yet my anger showed itself through my constant nail-biting from a young age – turning the outward anger I feared to express in on myself. However a few years after attending Universal Medicine presentations and some sessions with Esoteric practitioners, i found that my nail biting stopped – and I felt more at ease with myself – a miracle after years of trying to stop – because I was only dealing with symptoms, not the root cause.
This is all very familiar to me Jill – being good on the surface but seething with anger and bitterness underneath towards the ‘god’ that was supposed to reward me for my good deeds. Can you imagine God doing a deal with us in truth? Is this really his way? Not the God I know today, who is the oh so loving Father who would never judge his children. Thank you deeply to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine who have offered me the opportunity to know the unconditionally loving God who does not require good deeds from us but reflects to us that we are innately one with him, naturally love within and who made us equal with him. I too am worthy of this – as are we all.
Unworthy thoughts separate us from God and everybody around us. When we let ourselves down we let any other person down. Great sharing Jill.
The evil of being ‘good’ – I so recognise this one. It buries who we really are under a false blanket of niceness, that can feel suffocating for everyone. Yet so many of us were brought up to be good and quiet, especially girls of my generation. Thanks heaven for Universal Medicine – and its wisdom in exposing so many false trappings of life as ideals and beliefs that no longer serve humanity.
It need to be re-imprinted, the word God into our vocabulary since it’s very natural. I feel there’s some anger inside me as well for being tricked into believing in a God that was not God but people’s view of what they thought God was to be like. God is sassy and funky and very down to earth in his heavenliness.
All my life I have been avoiding conflict by adjusting myself and not being honest about how I really felt. The problem with this is that it may look good on the outside and seemingly there is peace and quiet but on an energetic level all that is suppressed is still playing out. If we could see this in the physical form it would look very ugly and distorted and it would be very easy to see that this would impact on our health and wellbeing.
A great honest blog. So often we hide the emotions that we do not want to admit that we feel. Through loving bodywork we can come to feel them again, admit them and allow them to release. Good for you for allowing this process and reclaiming yourself.
We do not realise how thick and potent the belief systems ingrained in us through institutionalised religion are. For example – we think a baptism is a baptism, albeit annoying for the poor child and the parents that need to go about the expected ritual. But a ritual it is and it has a potency in it that is ridden with evil – because it is based on capping the child not just with the trauma of the event but with the belief that it has sinned and sullied itself, and for which this child must pay repentance for the rest of its life.
We don’t consider the whole of a given situation, of something we want to say yes to because part of it suits us for whatever reason. So we say yes to the baptism because it is the done thing to do in certain religions – but we are saying yes to so much more than we realise.
As long as we view life as merely physical, we will be in life that is capped, and in the perennial struggle of a life not fully lived to the potential that’s so openly and availably there.
“For this I am Worthy” – Jill Steiner
These words do a lot to me Jill. As if they are opening up something. There’s a lot to feel and I am feeling a lot. Deeply accepting that I am a Son of God and that I am held by him, by life is something I’d love to surrender to and connect to. Thank you.
Healing from any emotion is so simple when there is a true understanding of how love works or it is better to say what happens when we are lacking in true love. True Love brings a joy that allows the body to be in harmony with everyone.
Thank you Jill Steiner for sharing this blog truly exposing the evil in doing good. I can remember feeling hatred and anger towards God but really it was anger and hatred towards myself for allowing myself to get caught up in the illusion that by being good I would be closer to God and that he would love me. It is a huge belief that many have taken on but I have found like many others that God is in every cell of my body, a lived experience that cannot be denied and cannot ever be taken away from me.
This blog shows clearly that living a life guided by images and then assuming them as real is not only unhealthy for the body but also leads to be dishonest in your expression.
Thank you for sharing Jill – I can relate to feeling angry with myself for abandoning me. Unlike you I was very aware of my anger which tended to build up and erupt apparently unpredictably which made me wary of expressing how I felt as I was conscious of how much I was burying and it felt like if I took the lid off it I wouldn’t be able to stop the torrent. Choosing to recognise my past choices and let go of beating myself up has supported me to be more loving with myself and let go of so much anger and the negative effects of the tension that I have carried in my body for years.
I for one am so glad you have shared this Jill. So many of us have been wounded by the idea that anger is bad and ‘sinful’ so we have it, but try to cut it out and pretend we are ‘great’. In my experience this is just a recipe for illness, separation and for hardness. But in recognising that the anger exists a doorway of opportunity opens up to look at the sadness and hurts that live underneath.
Very true, it is only when we acknowledge that we are angry that we can assess the root cause and heal it within ourselves, which allows us to truly renounce anger and feel the harmony and joy we naturally are.
The thing about being nice is that it is always fake. We learn to be nice and put this nice above anything else we feel, it is a mask we put on that supposedly is to cover everything else what is going on underneath. But by doing this regularly, as a daily living, we unlearn to discern what we truly feel and learn to be ignorant and negating what we know is true. But all these feelings get stored somewhere as they are unresolved or simply not expressed or cleared and thus we sometimes end up like a pressure cooker where the lid simply flies off and we explode to whatever degree that might be. Everything in life has an effect on us and ignoring it doesn’t make it go away, so it is wiser to be open to what is going on and learn to see all there is so we become more aware instead of more ignorant of ourselves and others.
You are exposing how ‘being good’ is the greatest evil on earth as it prevents us from being honest, which is the key to accessing truth.
Super well said Judith! A very simple point that breaks down the illusion of the ‘do-gooder’ being closer to God than others. Doing good is a cover up for being true.
Totally agree with you both Rachael and Judith. ‘Doing good” being good’ is just about as far away from God as you can get – a very hard shell to crack!
Wow Jill this is a corker of a blog! When we deny and contain deeply held emotions, we hurt ourselves and they can often be felt by others, especially children. The term ‘passive aggressive’ describes a person who appears controlled on the surface, but rages inside, often sensed in the way they move and speak. To be supported early in our lives to express our feelings honestly would enable us to connect to the natural intelligence of the body. Families, communities, religions often favour comfort and normality, saying and doing the right thing, following what is expected, maintaining the status quo, not expressing what is true. And thus a web of deception is formed and we are all the worse for it.
Thank you very much, Jill, for this sharing. I have been feeling how I really had to revisit my relationship with God with much more honesty, so it was a very timely read for me. As I followed your words, I could feel an entanglement inside me – anger, desolation, betrayal and abandonment all tangled up so that I could come up with my own version of scenario not to be with God.
Such is the insidiousness of being good and being righteous as you have shown Jill, it does not work it just buries what we are really feeling and makes us look good in the eyes of others who also feel this righteousness. I feel what you have exposed here is buried deep within humanity and that is why we fall for what is good and righteous over what is true. I wonder how many people feel what you have felt Jill that “I have lived many lives in this deep level of unworthiness, believing that being good would make me worthy of God’s love.
It’s mad that so many of us are quick to accuse God of abandoning us when he never leaves and will always be that constant love there to support ourselves back to love when we are able to cut through the lies we have been sold and progress to absolute honesty and beyond.
There are many things we feel that many of us are not aware of because we bury and do not want to be honest about them. I have lived like that and I know it hurts me and others and my body suffers. Bringing more honest about the emotions that come and certain things and not avoiding reactions that occur though eating, drinking, over talking has really helped. I have been surprised by what has been unearthed some times, but it is so worth going there and being honest.
If we feel unworthy it makes sense that underneath this there would be an anger towards God – even if we think we don’t believe in him – because worthiness is a belief that has come from seperative religions that believe God is a higher power that we can never be equal to. Yet the simple and beautiful truth is that we are of God and one with God – equal in every way.
Just because we cannot see anger or rage in a person it does not mean it is not there. I love that your children felt your anger and were able to give you a more honest reflection than you were about yourself. It’s amazing how much we can bury by using our mind to dismiss what we feel.
“I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love’. Oh this pure evil, for I too held this deeply ingrained old belief which affects every area of your life, I believed I did not deserve God’s love, how could I be worthy. The thing is now that I love myself, and in this love I take care of all my needs, there is no space at all for this old and false belief to remain in my body especially with the expansion I now feel sharing more of myself, no longer hiding or holding back the love that I am, that we all are.
What an amazing healing for oneself to allow the deeply buried feelings of anger to come up and be felt from our choice to separate and blame God for this and attacking our very own essence and connection. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are bringing to light the truth in healing and what is really going on for us by offering a real reflection and amazing modalities to support us to come back to this truth and the love we truly are. Exposing the underlying falseness of good is much needed to unravel our deeply ingrained ideals and beliefs and allows us the freedom to be the love we truly are.
“All my being and doing ‘good’ that I thought would bring me closer to God actually amounted to nothing. I had been sold a lie.” Dear Jill, what an awesome revelation to come to and such an amazing release from within your body. The above sentence absolutely exposes the real evil of ‘Good’ and how we are denied the truth of who we really are. When we connect to our innermost and commune with God through our bodies and express the love that naturally resides within us, ‘Good’ can be seen for what it is, a way to manipulate us into believing we have to pay God back for something we have never done.
Yes, and how many children do we see buying into this way of living in total denial to their way of being? So many. I just feel from the cells in my body that we must role model what it is to live as ourselves in the world, not from an ideal of what is acceptable and what is not.
“I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” When I read these words I read a complete lie that has caused so much suffering in the world through ‘doing good’. Pure evil to make us apologise we take up space and then we start doing good to gain God’s love. We are fed a pure lie as we are all love and equal Sons of God. Thank you, Jill, for writing down so clearly how you had buried your stuff in order to be good and how the Ageless Wisdom is there for you and everyone to come back to the true meaning of God and live in the knowing we are love. ‘For this I am worthy.’
I have spent lifetimes burying hurts, but the Ageless Wisdom has shown me there is no need to carry this baggage around that has no other purpose than to keep me being small. Being all that I am, is a joyous feeling that costs nothing.
Welcome home, Jill. Thank you for sharing so clearly your personal exposure of the evilness of ‘good’. ‘Good’ is so insidious and subtle in its nature as one truly believes one is doing true good when in fact one is deeply harming.
The teachings of the Ageless Wisdom presented by Serge Benhayon offer a way to feel who we truly are and be free of all the ideals and beliefs we have absorbed over lifetimes.
Jill, I relate to every word. I never thought or believed myself to be an angry person. I associated anger purely with screaming abuse and temper tantrums. I never behaved like that, and so, by my way of thinking I had no anger. And then, after much healing and developing self-awareness, a day came when I started to register the background thoughts that ran across my mind. It shocked me to recognise just how furious I often was, how judgemental, how negative and just how angry I was in truth.
A shocking moment, and equally an incredible unburdening. I had in fact been sustaining a sort of pleasant lie. A façade of niceness, that was a thin as parchment, had been the gap between who I believed myself to be and the actual truth of who I am.
What you have described here, so touchingly and honestly, is the juice of healing. It is self-reflection, and self-honesty and the Will to ‘go there’ and be exposed in such a way that we know who we are and what is driving us.
A wonderful blog, and one that I shall enjoy again.
How easy we tend to forget or not feel that we have any emotion like sadness, grief or anger shows the deceitfulness of the mind and its disconnection with the body. As is shown in this blog, when we connect to the body all this is still there, continuously interfering with all of our movements while our mind makes us believe that we are okay.
Spot on Nico – the mind is a very fickle tool of the spirit, skilled at fooling, masquerading and manipulating…But the honesty of the body always wins in the end, for nothing can go past the body. Only the mind can over-ride things up to a point, beyond which there is no passing, and hence the consequences must be faced and lived, and this happens in the physicality of the body which is simply a very exposing reflection of the choices one has made aligned to the spirit or to the Soul and God’s plan…
Yes Henrietta, while it is exposing when our body is showing us the truth of how we have been living, it is also a blessing to acknowledge that our body is our best friend in our return to a life in constant connection with God, a way of life all people deserve so much but still tend to reject as they love creation more.
I would earnestly ask: how many are truly willing to see the falsity of investment – of countless lives lived and actions done, aimed at ‘doing good’ and ‘being good’ as you’ve shared Jill? To renounce this and its protective and arrogant veneer in full, and feel the intensity of disconnection (rather than connection) to God and the All that this way of being has brought about…
We ravage ourselves, our bodies, our relationships and the very planet upon which we live with such falsity and dare not question the harm… until the real deal of Love we have chosen to reconnect to becomes so great that we are willing to let it all go…
Thank-you for this powerful sharing of your own reclaiming Jill. The “lie” you refer to is not one held by followers of a faith alone, for the beliefs that promulgate it have permeated the very fabric of our society, to deep, deep levels.
And thus it is no small personal ‘feat’ to reclaim that we are indeed ‘enough’ – that the lie of us being born ‘stained’ and sinful, the lie that we are not worthy in His eyes… is indeed a lie in full, insidiously planted and crafted to hold even the most earnest back from their own true claiming of the light of God and Glorious Love that is within.
“I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” – what an evil teaching that condemns a person from the start. How about instead of this, if we started with the premise that we are all Sons of God, just like Patanjali used to present, how much more different would we all be about ourselves in life? When the focus is on what you are not, then life becomes a life of mistakes, misguided choices and a miserable way to be. If the focus is on the fact that you are already everything you ever need to be and it is simply for you to choose to live this way, with no perfection asked, then it opens up the door for us all to grow, and learn and embrace all that we truly are.
Jill, your writing and your sharing here are truly precious! As are you! This is an amazing sharing as comes with a depth of honesty and willingness to explore, let be, and understand. There is not one ounce of judgement upon yourself or someone else with regards to what you have experienced, and in your sharing you allow another to do likewise – to explore in a safe space what is often festering underneath the surface for so many of us…I have recently been allowing myself to feel such much more too – pressures that I have been putting upon myself, expectations I have been imposing on myself and so much more. And to finally have the honesty to feel it and speak about it in a safe space has been an incredibly healing moment – the simple acknowledgement of what I was feeling and naming it for what it was whilst allowing myself to fully feel it as an impact in my body, allowed me to be free of this very oppression. It is intense to allow ourselves to go there, but at the same time, once through it, it does not seem like such a big thing either, and the freedom in the body and the freedom in the breath from this expression is so well worth it!
I can very much relate to your blog Jill. I have never been part of any organised religion but I can recall trying very hard to be a ‘good’ person, and at times in the expense of expressing truth. I also remember being very angry over very minor things, which often leaves me scratching my head and asking myself ‘what was that all about?’ Now, I realise my anger was simply a deep sadness from not expressing truth, not expressing myself fully and from choosing to disconnect from love, my essence. When I realised this, it was a massive healing and my angry episodes, which was mainly directed my family became less and less frequent and intense. Now, choosing to express love more and more and choosing to connect to my essence, I can feel how harmful is was to achieve being ‘good’ because is a watered down version of who I am, a vessel (body) who is here to express absolute love and truth.
Trying to be good, eventually all that has been pushed down comes up to be dealt with and with it comes the anger and frustration of all the important things not said or acted on at the time. It’s like when we try to diet, instead of listening to what supports the body, most times we throw it all in and go back to our so called ‘old ways’.
Wow Jill, this . . . ” Feeling into with more understanding of the energy of the so called ‘good,’ I can now feel its disgusting nature, this cap of goodness that covers a multitude of sins, so to speak, with the biggest one being, “I am a sinner and therefore not worthy of God’s love,” all in an attempt to separate, cut me off and extinguish any connection to my true divine essence” . . . What a powerful revelation! Loved this blog as there is something for everyone in it.
Awesome blog Jill. It seems many of us have been sold or hold the beliefs that we are not worthy of gods love and then self-love. I can relate to being angry with god and frustrated, for the way my life had gone or my lot in life so to speak. But alas I was not ready to claim myself as a son of god, holding the essence or part of in my heart as my soul naturally. It is a great reminder of how we need to claim who we are equally -as all sons of god in different stages of development but all coming back to reconnecting to his fact. Being careful to not let the false ideals and beliefs that we carry and that circulate the planet lead us to feel different.
I too became very well versed in being the “good girl,” to seek recognition and to also avoid anger or situations where confrontation could be imminent. I did this to keep everything nice and calm but I now see that there is no truth in being nice and allowing ourselves the space to feel exactly how we feel is really refreshing and the honesty unlocks so many old ways that help us to then choose to express what is there at the time without fear but a willingness to be honest and to keep building that relationship with who we innately are.
From one who has also lived a life of good I love how this blog exposes the evil of it. As I have come to see where I have expressed good and I have been able to acknowledge just how strong this has been for me from very young I have then been able to connect with feelings like you Jill that I would have said I did not feel. Thanks to Serge Benhayon I am committed to living my life as who I truly am and not the ‘good girl’.